Backstreet Boy, Real Recovery

00:00:01
Speaker 1: Hi Amber, Hi Lola.

00:00:03
Speaker 2: Welcome to an Unlikely Affair.

00:00:08
Speaker 3: Hello everybody, Welcome to another episode of an Unlikely Affair.

00:00:12
Speaker 1: I'm here with my sister wife. That's like your permanent name. Wala Kent.

00:00:16
Speaker 4: I love it. Hello everybody.

00:00:18
Speaker 1: I'm hyped on the day. I'm ella hyped on the day. I mean, thank god.

00:00:23
Speaker 3: Okay, I'm super super excited about this episode. I have like a really cool story, but I will share this in just a second. I would like to introduce a J. Alexander. I think Alexander aka Backstreet Boys Baby, my favorite of the Backstreet Boys even as a young and I like the bad boy.

00:00:45
Speaker 5: And I'm so not that that's what's great. Yeah, I'm the biggest pushover teddy Bear anyone's ever met. But I just got pigeonholed because I dyed my hair and I got tattoos and piercings and blabba bah blah. So somehow they had to find because that was the formula, right, the boy bands, Well, first of all, we never even heard that phrase until we went to Europe, and that was what they called groups of five good looking guys that sang and dance. They called them boy bands. So we never we were a vocal harmony group. That's what we called ourselves. Like oyster Men, shy Jobicy, the Temptations. That's what we grew up in the States hearing. So in a boy band, you had the young, cute one, you had the old one, you had the clown, you had the kind of mediator, like the.

00:01:37
Speaker 2: Middle guy, and then you had the bad boy. And there you are there and there it is. I'm like, okay, crown me bad boy.

00:01:45
Speaker 1: Okay.

00:01:45
Speaker 3: So when I was eight nine years old, I'm thirty seven, born in eighty eight. I'll never forget going to Target getting your barbie, and no fucking joke, I still have the Barbie version of you.

00:02:03
Speaker 2: I'm sorry.

00:02:04
Speaker 3: I'm like, oh my god, this is so it's like full circle of my life that I'm sitting sitting here with you because I was like, I grew up Mormon.

00:02:14
Speaker 1: I always love a good boy, and even if you're just playing a part.

00:02:21
Speaker 2: And I got to say, I love my Mormons.

00:02:24
Speaker 5: Uh. Growing up in kissim Me, Florida, when I was in like middle school, high school, Uh, we had right down the street from where I lived was at that point was one of the biggest Mormon temples in Florida, and uh, every day, like clockwork at my apartment building, the young the young boys in their white shirts and black ties would always roll up, and I became friends with some of them, like they were just the nicest guys. They would take a break, we played basketball and uh and yeah. And then of course once uh, once Trey and Matt did their amazing Broadway play. That kind of reinvigorated my love for Oh my god, oh have you ever seen it?

00:03:13
Speaker 1: Like three times?

00:03:13
Speaker 3: Okay, I'm obsessed because you know what's so great. It's because I because I grew up and I know all the little funny jokes, right, and then I I fell out of the church when I moved to New York City.

00:03:24
Speaker 1: It makes it that much better.

00:03:26
Speaker 3: I mean this, I mean I still play it for like in my car when I'm driving, I'll play the book more.

00:03:31
Speaker 1: Have you seen it?

00:03:32
Speaker 3: Oh?

00:03:32
Speaker 5: My Book of Mormon is one of the greatest fucking hysterical.

00:03:36
Speaker 2: What I love is when you go see it.

00:03:39
Speaker 5: The five times I've seen it, I'll go outside and have a cigarette during intermission, and like average, ten to fifteen people are walking out going what is this?

00:03:48
Speaker 2: Why am I here? This is disgusting.

00:03:50
Speaker 5: It's like, how do you not know coming into this who wrote this show? If you don't watch South Park, you're never going to love this because like it's it's comedy.

00:04:00
Speaker 2: It's comedy, but they go there comedy.

00:04:03
Speaker 3: And that, by the way, the fact that it's stayed on Broadway this song, it just shows you, like it's not you can't be on Broadway for this song. If you have a bad Broadway show where people are walking out, listen, it's not for everybody.

00:04:16
Speaker 1: I think. I remember taking my mom, who is.

00:04:19
Speaker 3: Not a part of the more of Churchy anymore, but at first she was like I'm a little offended.

00:04:23
Speaker 1: I'm like, dude, come on, lighting up. It's fucking hysterica.

00:04:26
Speaker 3: Like all that I want to do is Orlando on his mission, like and.

00:04:31
Speaker 1: The whole for disney World purposes. I don't actually don't know.

00:04:36
Speaker 2: It's just like you know, he's.

00:04:43
Speaker 5: He's he's just going on a mission and trying to spread the word and he ends up going to Africa and like it's just it's love, like.

00:04:53
Speaker 3: Come masturbate and come for the first.

00:04:57
Speaker 5: That also a lot of it stemmed from or Gasmo, which was one of the first movies that Trey and Matt did before they did basketball. I'm a big South Park nerd and I just love all a Family Guy, any of that stuff. Set's adult animation, like Paradise PD, like any of those shows.

00:05:16
Speaker 2: I mean, growing up, it was always the Simpsons.

00:05:20
Speaker 5: But I stopped watching the Simpsons as I got older, and then once Family Guy in South Park happened, it was over, like I because they they found the they found the magic loophole, which is, let's make fun of everyone exactly. Then nobody can come at you and be like, oh wait, no, it's like.

00:05:37
Speaker 2: Make fun of you.

00:05:40
Speaker 5: They did an episode on South Park about boy bands. This was years ago, and you could and Cartman wanted to be the bad boy. And there was definitely elements of I think myself, a little bit of Donnie Wahlberg, a little bit of There was elements blatantly say okay, that's me, that's so and so, like.

00:06:03
Speaker 2: You just knew. But it wasn't like on the nose, but yeah, I mean.

00:06:09
Speaker 5: It was pretty It was pretty obvious if you if you follow boy bands like you just knew, you know, like.

00:06:15
Speaker 4: Okay, so you are coming out that you have a solo album. That is titled Alexander James. So the album came out in January. When's your birthday?

00:06:27
Speaker 2: January ninth?

00:06:28
Speaker 1: What sign is that?

00:06:29
Speaker 2: Capricorn? Capricorn?

00:06:32
Speaker 3: I don't know much about it, but I guess he's a bad boy.

00:06:36
Speaker 5: Well no, we we have a really big heart where people pleasers. We get walked all over constantly, but we and we keep coming back for more for whatever reason.

00:06:47
Speaker 2: I don't know why we do.

00:06:48
Speaker 5: It's like, yeah, come on, you know, but I now, oh yeah, I mean.

00:06:53
Speaker 2: I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm.

00:06:54
Speaker 5: I fall right in that class. But I recently, over the last few years, have I've done a lot of soul searching and a lot of self healing and finally applied boundaries in my life, which I never had. I didn't even really I knew the word, but I didn't know, like exactly how to apply it to my life because I just let everybody in and just didn't care to trust it.

00:07:16
Speaker 1: Everybody personally, roman everything everything.

00:07:18
Speaker 2: Right now, it's like boundaries are set.

00:07:21
Speaker 5: I learned no as a complete sentence because I just said yes to everyone and everything.

00:07:27
Speaker 2: You know, somebody joked once before.

00:07:31
Speaker 5: And it it kind of rub me the wrong way, But at the same time, I was like, you know what, it's it's it was meant I think with kindness but sarcasm. Somebody said once that I would go to the opening of an envelope, and I was like Jesus, like, that's that's harsh. But I've then I kind of took a moment to reflect and go, shit, I do do a lot of things. Some are necessary and some it's just like I just want to go, like I just want to be around people, or I want to go to this event or that event. But I've dialed that way back now. I'm way more picky and choosy now, like it's just okay, enough's enough, Like you don't need to go to everything and be everywhere because it is exhausting.

00:08:14
Speaker 3: I mean it really, yeah, And I'm sure you've attributed that to your sobriety, being able to like really check in with yourself and go and.

00:08:20
Speaker 2: Deep oh yeah yeah.

00:08:22
Speaker 5: I mean daily wake up in the morning, meditate, same our prayers, daily affirmations. When I first get up, what am I grateful for today, you know, and then just kind of start start my day and if there's any moment during the day that's.

00:08:38
Speaker 2: A little sticky.

00:08:39
Speaker 5: I just either I call my best friend or I talk to my sponsor, who is my best friend, and you know, we just kind of, I mean, nine times out of ten when I'm with him somehow, some.

00:08:54
Speaker 2: Way, sobriety comes up.

00:08:55
Speaker 5: Right. It just relates to everything in our daily life, no matter what. So if anything's bothering me, instead of me harboring it or blowing it off, it's like, let's just get it. Let's just address it immediately, nip it in the bud, and then move on. Some things are easier to move on from than others. But you know, I mean I never did any step work when I got sober the first time in two thousand and one, so I just white knuckled it for seven years, and I was destined to relapse, and I was a chronic relapser like I for like the last twenty plus years. It was in out and out until this last time, and I just, you know, it was finally the right time. My youngest daughter is a big part of why I finally nipped it in the bud, so you know, and she's old enough now to kind of understand like how much she really did play a part in it, but I'll I kind of remind her every year, you know, I just say thank you. And she's nine, but she's like thirty five, so she's she's very smart, freakishly smart. And it's kind of annoying because I was, you know, I'm more of a street smart guy, you know, as opposed to BookSmart.

00:10:07
Speaker 2: I don't.

00:10:09
Speaker 5: I need to read more, but I don't. I'm more of an audio person. I guess that's the musician in me. So if I have a chance to read this book or do an audio version, I'm going to do the audio version.

00:10:19
Speaker 1: It just you know what I like to do, like you audible and follow.

00:10:22
Speaker 2: Along, oh, because I haven't tried that yet.

00:10:26
Speaker 3: If it's a self help book, like they'll let them one that I'm lately sometimes I like to highlight like I learned because I've been reading The Big Book all over again and aa, my sponsor wants.

00:10:36
Speaker 1: Me to go and highlight, highlight.

00:10:39
Speaker 3: I kind of like just transition that into just reading books outside of it.

00:10:44
Speaker 5: Yeah, someday I'm going to read the Big Book from cover to cover. I've read what my sponsor has kind of focused on. And we have a men's group every Thursday, and we started every time with pages eighty six, eighty seven, eighty eight up on Awakening, and like that's I literally read those pages every morning like that, just that that is just the only way to start my day, because it always applies to the day. It doesn't matter where I am, you know, if I forget my little mini big book with me when I travel.

00:11:17
Speaker 2: Hello, just pull it up online on the phone and just.

00:11:20
Speaker 5: You know, finally I screenshot at all the pages so I don't have to search for it anymore. If I have a bad service, you know, or if I just wake up and I'm just in a pissy mood and I forget to do it, which happens, yep. Then I'm like, wait, it's something is wrong, something's missing.

00:11:34
Speaker 2: Oh hold on, and I'll pull off the side of the road and I'll read it. And then I'll yep.

00:11:37
Speaker 3: I always read like the promises when i'm in like self pity, or I'm like, I'm I have almost two years sober, and I'm like, how come this hasn't happened, how come I haven't found my person?

00:11:48
Speaker 1: This is wrong?

00:11:49
Speaker 3: And I'm like, no, read the fucking promises, and it says sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly they will materialize. I literally said this to myself this morning. If you work for them, yeah, that's action. So stop your complaining, get out of your like head.

00:12:06
Speaker 2: And faith without works is dead. Yeah, it doesn't do anything. If you don't do the work.

00:12:10
Speaker 3: You should read, like find someone that you could read the book Big Book with once a week for like fifteen minutes. It's really changed everything for me. I mean, my sponsors like, I don't disagree.

00:12:20
Speaker 2: Yeah, I need to read it.

00:12:22
Speaker 5: It's definitely on my to do list and it has been for years. But now that I'm finally doing the steps, like I never like, like I said earlier, I white knuckle did it. I didn't do the steps, and I figured, okay, you know, I go to meetings, I'm good, like we all think newly sober and literally, you know, the first couple of times that I tried doing the steps, I relapse on the four step, which everybody does generally.

00:12:49
Speaker 2: This time I was like, no, I'm gonna I'm gonna do it.

00:12:53
Speaker 5: And honestly, my sponsor he took me to take me to the airport and he he basically put the fear of God in me. He was like, look, dude, I've done as much as I can with you. If you're not going to do the work, then maybe I shouldn't be your sponsor. He's like, I feel like I should. I should call you know, Rachelle and be like, I'm sorry. I tried, but I can't. I just can't do it anymore. And that scared the shit.

00:13:24
Speaker 2: Out of me. I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, you have to be my sponsor, like I can't.

00:13:27
Speaker 5: So I got on that flight and I was just like my brain was going on thousand miles a minute. I'm like, okay, dude, the minute you get home, you got to do your four step. You've got to do it. And literally I was gone for two days. The day I got home, called him, said come to the house and.

00:13:42
Speaker 2: We just did it.

00:13:44
Speaker 5: And surprisingly, because he knows everything, we talk about everything.

00:13:49
Speaker 2: He learned some shit and I was shocked. And that's what was That's how I knew I did.

00:13:53
Speaker 5: It a proper, thorough four step because there was a lot of things that I didn't share with Yeah.

00:13:58
Speaker 3: Just for everybody that's listening that doesn't know about alcoholics, anonymous, like they say, you're as sick as your darkest secrets, and within the fourth step, sometimes you have to uncover and discard those things that that you just don't want.

00:14:13
Speaker 1: People to know.

00:14:13
Speaker 3: But as soon as you do, and if you do it thoroughly, like you said, and honestly, then you get that relief.

00:14:19
Speaker 2: Fearless moral inventory.

00:14:21
Speaker 5: Man. It's it's it's rough to have to. I think the hardest part about it is writing out your part in it. It's very easy.

00:14:31
Speaker 2: It's very easy to blame everybody else, to go, Okay, I know what you did wrong to hurt me.

00:14:37
Speaker 5: But it's the hardest part to say, Okay, what did I what was my part in it?

00:14:40
Speaker 2: What did I do back? Or what did I do to start this hurt?

00:14:46
Speaker 3: Yes?

00:14:46
Speaker 1: Holding up the mirror.

00:14:47
Speaker 3: I think like one of the greatest things that someone ever told me is they got a big book someone gave someone wanted to get sober, so they gave them a big book and when you open the inside, the front cover was a mirror.

00:14:58
Speaker 1: They like, that's a genius.

00:15:00
Speaker 3: They glue to mirror inside and they're like everyone else is in the pop problem. It's an inside job and it starts with you. And I was like, oh shit, like that that really there was a.

00:15:10
Speaker 5: There was a guy at this meeting I went to years ago. He's fully tatted and he had the word grateful and the word surrender but backwards on his arms. And I was like, and it's just I was fixated on it, like everyone's sharing. I just listened that day and I barely listened to anybody because I was so focused on this dude's tattoos. And after the meeting, I was like, bro, I just have to ask, why are your tattoos backwards? Like it's it's bothering me. He's like, well, I'm sorry, it's bothering you. But he said every morning when I wake up and I'm brushing my teeth and I'm getting ready for the day, in the in the mirror, it's written normal. So I got obsessed with that idea. So the last time I was in treatment, there was all these little plaques that everybody made. It was like a little piece of tile and you would leave a message behind. And I kept looking at all these different tiles and everybody had the same quote, like multiple people had the same quote, and it just said WC.

00:16:23
Speaker 2: It was like, who the hell is WC? And I looked it up.

00:16:26
Speaker 5: It was Winston Churchill, and he had a very famous quote that said, if you're going through hell, keep going. So I got that tattooed on my neck, but backwards, so I see that every morning when I'm getting ready for the day, Like, you know, doesn't matter how shitty the day is or how you're feeling, just keep going.

00:16:47
Speaker 4: Oh, I've really needed this podcast today. I'm just I know that I've I'm just observing and listening because I feel like, maybe I this was meant to.

00:16:56
Speaker 1: Be happening right now. I love that I want to get a tattoo.

00:17:00
Speaker 5: It takes two people to have a meeting, so technically we're having one right now, if I really think about it, technically we're having one right now.

00:17:07
Speaker 3: And that's the beauty of sobriety. I was literally coming from I live in Montana.

00:17:12
Speaker 1: Flying back.

00:17:13
Speaker 3: I have the worst anxiety when I fly, and I've been off my antidepressant now for like four months, since I really feel like my systems and this is like sixteen years of being on an antidepressant.

00:17:24
Speaker 1: I'm like tripping.

00:17:25
Speaker 3: Every time I go. My fucking legs go numb. I'm shaking. I think I'm gonna I can't breathe. And the greatest thing about sobriety is I know my ten am meeting that starts at nine in LA I can go on zoom and I literally sit there on the plane and do an AA meeting. And that's like, that's the gift of sobriety. We get to like do it whenever wherever, all over the world. There's meetings at all times. There's no fucking excuse.

00:17:52
Speaker 2: No, there really is no excuse. There really isn't.

00:17:55
Speaker 5: And again, like I said, it takes two people to have a meeting. So even if you're not able to physically get to one, call someone that's in the program, and you're having a meeting.

00:18:05
Speaker 2: I mean, it's just that simple.

00:18:06
Speaker 5: I used to have one at my house. Not yet, I'm not. I'm not done with my steps yet. I've just gotten extremely busy. I'm on my ninth step, which I mean I was doing a ninth step over the last probably three years. But I'm kind of going back through who I really need to make amends with and who I've already made my peace with that I just don't want to reach out to.

00:18:33
Speaker 2: Yeah, and because there is the like I just wrote.

00:18:37
Speaker 5: Down everybody, and then I have kind of taken some time to reflect and go, I really don't want to talk to you or you know what, I kind of made my piece already with you and and always.

00:18:50
Speaker 2: Going to be.

00:18:50
Speaker 4: Is it even going to be a beneficial conversation for the other person?

00:18:54
Speaker 5: Well, I mean that's the thing about doing a nice step is like if you're if by if by doing it is going to hurt or harm someone, then you don't do it.

00:19:01
Speaker 1: Exactly, so you just make a living amends.

00:19:04
Speaker 5: But a couple of these people, I really don't care if I hurt because they really just destroyed me so and they're just horrible human beings.

00:19:11
Speaker 2: But again, I just don't feel the need, you know.

00:19:16
Speaker 5: But yeah, I mean once, yeah, because doing a doing a ten step is you know again, that's living amends.

00:19:23
Speaker 2: I'm doing that daily anyways.

00:19:25
Speaker 5: And you know, doing an eleven step, you know that whole spiritual connection, which I definitely understand more now than I'm not a religious person by any means.

00:19:36
Speaker 2: I'm definitely a more spiritual person.

00:19:38
Speaker 1: What does your higher power look like?

00:19:40
Speaker 2: My higher power? You know, she's awesome? No, I you know I I.

00:19:53
Speaker 5: It's all all around me always, I you know, I.

00:19:59
Speaker 2: I kind of grew up.

00:20:00
Speaker 5: Yeah, I went to church a few times when I was younger, but I developed this opinion of I don't want to go someplace to have someone else interpolate to me their version of the spoken word.

00:20:17
Speaker 2: That's their opinion.

00:20:19
Speaker 5: That's how they see it, that's how they read it, that's how they're they're obtaining it, and I'm going to see it differently. If I read something and you read something, we might get the same thing out of it.

00:20:31
Speaker 2: We might not. So I figured, I figured, you know what, I don't.

00:20:36
Speaker 5: I don't need that in my life, to know that there is something greater than myself that has kept me alive number one and has allowed me to kind of come over this hump. And it's it's just a beautiful feeling, you know, to just know that no matter what, I can always lean on my higher power, no matter what you know.

00:20:59
Speaker 2: And again, it's your higher power is whatever you want it to be.

00:21:12
Speaker 1: How do you translate that with your girls? You have daughters right now?

00:21:15
Speaker 2: Have two girls, yep, thirteen and nine.

00:21:18
Speaker 5: Yeah, boys are not in the conversation, well not really, but there is. My oldest is now starting to talk about a boy, and I'm just like God damn it.

00:21:30
Speaker 1: I know crazy, No, no, no, I know it's hard.

00:21:33
Speaker 5: My best friend, though he's already in the thick of it. He has my oldest daughter and his daughter are like best friends. And his daughter's fourteen, mine's thirteen. And when she started school this year, like met a boy and it's just been full speed ahead.

00:21:51
Speaker 2: And he's just he's like, I wasn't prepared. It just happened overnight.

00:21:55
Speaker 5: He's like, she used to be into like anime and freaking photography, and she was kind of a nerd and she was fun and da da dah, and now it's like and I told him, I said, dude, the minute I went to your house one day and I saw her wearing makeup, that was when it started. And then once the once the hormones and everything else is going on, there's no way to stop it.

00:22:19
Speaker 2: It's full it's full steam ahead.

00:22:21
Speaker 5: And but me, I've been best friends with my best friend for twenty five years, and I was like, okay, I need to I I'm gonna just make up a scenario that all of you have to come to my house so I can meet this kid, because if he's not cool in my eyes, Uncle AJ's gonna be like nah, dude, no, like this this yeah.

00:22:42
Speaker 2: And he's a really really, really good kid.

00:22:45
Speaker 5: So I was like, all right, but you know, I tease him constantly about this whole situation.

00:22:51
Speaker 2: And he's just he's like, you just wait, bro.

00:22:53
Speaker 5: It's gonna come overnight. You're not going to be prepared. And luckily for me, my girls do competitive dance, they sing, they do all the things, and so they're preoccupied. The dance schedule is the most insane schedule, way different.

00:23:10
Speaker 2: Than when I was.

00:23:11
Speaker 3: By the way, good for you that you're like dedicated that that ship is.

00:23:14
Speaker 5: Hard, it's insane. So they don't have time for boys per se. But once they make the time, then there's there's nothing more I could do. Like I had this vision of my of my oldest like like a boy coming to ask her out on a date or to come to the house and say, hey, you know, I'm here for my date with you.

00:23:34
Speaker 2: We're gonna go to the movies whatever.

00:23:36
Speaker 5: And me opening the door shirtless with all my tattoos and being like, just so you know, I went to prison.

00:23:45
Speaker 1: But it doesn't show that on Google.

00:23:49
Speaker 5: All he has to do is google me and go No, dude, you're in a boy band man like went to prison, but actually Joey Fotillon from in Sync, he's got to girls.

00:24:00
Speaker 2: One is in college and he youngest, I think she's fifteen.

00:24:03
Speaker 5: Now. Gave me the best advice for what to say to the boy that takes my daughter out for her first date, which is when he comes to the door, have a nice little simple conversation.

00:24:16
Speaker 2: Just be like listen, you know, make sure she's back at this.

00:24:20
Speaker 5: Time, blah blah blah, and just remember whatever you do to her, I'm gonna do to you.

00:24:28
Speaker 2: So is that and put the fear of God.

00:24:31
Speaker 4: She and I are single parents, so if we said that, I'm sure the guy would be well that.

00:24:34
Speaker 2: Sounds fuck, that's amazing.

00:24:38
Speaker 3: Yeah, I have a sixteen year old and that is hard. It's so hard and being single. Now they're looking at me like who you bringing home and.

00:24:46
Speaker 5: Like oh.

00:24:49
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, and they have they have an opinion like everything.

00:24:53
Speaker 1: I have two girls sixteen.

00:24:54
Speaker 4: And yeah we both have two girls minor babies. Hers are we share a baby daddy?

00:24:59
Speaker 2: Nice. Yeah, there's a twist. She was the.

00:25:03
Speaker 3: Mistress and I was the wife and welcome to an Where do I.

00:25:07
Speaker 2: And where do I? Fall in this mix, I gotta wait, hold on.

00:25:09
Speaker 5: But I was the guy you just didn't know it was. I had I had dark hair, then I wasn't. I wasn't blonde.

00:25:16
Speaker 1: No, you're going on tour in the fall, right, You're back.

00:25:22
Speaker 2: Yes, I'm going on my own.

00:25:25
Speaker 4: It. Do you think that because this is your first time flying solo?

00:25:29
Speaker 2: So I did.

00:25:31
Speaker 5: I mean, I'm going to say yes because I I released a solo project in two thousand and nine that was only really seen in like parts of Southeast Asia and then Europe. I toured in Europe, did a couple in like Japan, but my management at the time and I were not seeing eye to eye, so it never really came into fruition. And it was a great album. But if you listen to it today, every song sounds like a battery boy song. Okay, because I didn't know who I was yet, I didn't know how to not write and make music that sounds like a group.

00:26:10
Speaker 2: So I was I did what I thought was what people want to hear.

00:26:15
Speaker 5: So this time this is this is me, like this is That's why I wanted to reintroduce the world to to alex And because you know, one of the things that I learned Three years ago when we finished the DNA tour, my wife and I were separated, so I was living on my own, so I had a little bit.

00:26:35
Speaker 2: More free time per se.

00:26:38
Speaker 5: So I hopped in my truck and drove to Scottsdale, Arizona, and I admitted myself into an outpatient program at a place called the Meadows for Love and for Love.

00:26:48
Speaker 2: And Relationship Addiction because.

00:26:52
Speaker 5: I was sober, but I wanted to get to the root of like because obviously most addicts know the drinking and the drugs, that's all symptomatic, that's not the real problem. And I suffered from a condition that my best friend calls piece of shitism. So I hated the person I was, and I did everything I did because I wanted the attention. I wanted the external validation. If you don't like me, oh my god, what am I going to do to make you like me? So self esteem was like, definitely not number one on my list. So I went there, supposed to stay for four weeks. I stayed for twelve weeks. Fell in love with Scottsdale. I'm a big golfer too, so like he was heaven Monday through Friday, I'm in therapy for three hours and then golf every freaking weekend in one hundred and sixteen degrees. But I learned boundaries there fell in love with this woman that I have to meet someday. Her name is Brene Brown. She is like a motivational speaker. She is like I feel like she's my second mom and I've never met her, but she We watched videos of her in therapy and I'm just like, oh my god, like she gets it, she gets me, and I actually have a tattoo. Uh. Braving is one of her mantras, which is boundaries, reliability, accountability, vault, integrity, non judgment, and gratitude And I have bb down there, like she really touched it.

00:28:22
Speaker 1: If you meet her. I just I said this to Lalla the other night.

00:28:26
Speaker 3: We were ling in, but I said, you know who Brene Brown is, and she does this beautiful she Her claim to famous is ted talk about shame ability, remembers that she is.

00:28:35
Speaker 1: I'm dying to a wonderful woman.

00:28:38
Speaker 2: Yeah.

00:28:38
Speaker 5: So I learned a lot from her, learn a lot from my group boundaries, but the but the one thing that pertained to me specifically was that okay, aj is a character in a band doesn't define who I am.

00:28:53
Speaker 2: I didn't know how to separate the two for years.

00:28:55
Speaker 5: So I would come off stage and instead of turning it off and just being normal, I stayed in AJ mode.

00:29:04
Speaker 2: And because I again, he was getting all the attention.

00:29:08
Speaker 5: He was the one that everybody wanted to be around, all the hanger on hers, the leeches, the fake ass people. But I didn't see that, you know. But so now I wanted to reinvent myself. I wanted to reintroduce the world to me. And so from the EP which was HI, my name is alex to the full LP, which is my name is Alexander James. And that's going to be my mantra from this point on, like anything I do on my own is going to be under my name, because you know, and I was It's funny. When I put the album out, I was. I was mad because I couldn't put it up on all the DSPs as Alexander James because it would have been difficult for people to find, right, So it still had to go under ajmclean, which bothered me, and I had to do a lot of about it and a lot of like reflecting, like okay, don't don't bite your own hand like it's okay, But it bothered me, you know. And but I go back to the same scenario with like Timberlake, Like you know, he was justin Timberlake of InSync right for years until now. Granted he left the group, that's a different scenario. I'm not I'm not leaving my boys going on record saying that. But you know, at some point, god willing, there will be a definitive line between the two.

00:30:37
Speaker 2: But I know that's not going to happen right out the gate. And that's no.

00:30:39
Speaker 1: It takes time. Yeah, it takes a lot of time.

00:30:41
Speaker 2: Yeah.

00:30:43
Speaker 4: I mean, I think it's wonderful and I think I just us touching on sobriety and all of those things. It does open your eyes to like getting really to the root of who you are, what you want in life, what makes you tick, beyond the flashing lights and the articles which you know, it becomes very addicting you've been in it for decades. Yeah, and I think we also are, our alcoholic minds become addicted to the very high highs and the low lows. Oh yeah, and once you, like you said, get to the root of what makes me tick?

00:31:19
Speaker 1: What do I care about? Why am I this way?

00:31:21
Speaker 4: You were able to put out this album, and I think I think this could very well be the start of that definitive moment you're talking about.

00:31:28
Speaker 2: I definitely agree.

00:31:30
Speaker 5: You know, there's there's three songs on the album that are three very pivotal phases in my life. One is a song called Arizona that was inspired by my stint in Arizona, and it's it's a rough lesson even if you don't know me. It's rougher if you do know me on a personal level, because it is it's a very much a singing in the mirror reflection song. Yeah. And then there's a song called Relapse, which I, in sobriety did a lot of fucked up shit and you know, got involved with people, places and things that I shouldn't have but I was sober, but I was acting alcoholically, and so that song is about that part. And even after you know, Arizona and doing all this self realization stuff, I still hadn't jumped into the steps. I still wasn't doing doing the proper things. So of course I'm gonna how I didn't relapse through this phase literally I have no idea. But then the final chapter is the last song on the album is a song called better Man and that is where I am today and it kind of encompasses lyrically everything from Arizona, Relapse and now into one song, and it really is. And that's actually the aim of the tour that I'm going to do in the fall is the Better Man Tour. We kick off in October. The official dates are going on sale on Father's Day.

00:33:11
Speaker 2: So I was.

00:33:11
Speaker 4: Trying to and will you post on your Instagram people, It'll be everywhere?

00:33:15
Speaker 5: Yeah, because I was trying to think of a like a like a moment to post about it and give the dates. Because I recently recently got on Twitch and I did a live stream with my all Girl band and I made the announcement that there is going to be a tour, and then I said, I'll make the announcement of the actual dates on Father's Day.

00:33:47
Speaker 3: Okay, So I have a random question that just popped in my mind, which usually happens because I have a d D. If I were to go on your Spotify or app or wherever you get your like, what is your go to song?

00:33:57
Speaker 1: Like, what do you love? What kind of music are you listening to?

00:34:00
Speaker 2: I like this question like a kaleidoscope.

00:34:03
Speaker 5: I mean, I really listened to literally everything, and I've learned new styles of music over the years that I never would have listened to.

00:34:13
Speaker 2: The country country is number one.

00:34:16
Speaker 5: I was never a big country guy. I mean, who didn't love Faith Faith Hill when she came out, obviously, you know, But Breathe was a pop record period, you know what I mean. It was on top forty radio. It wasn't a country record. But I didn't really dive into country until we did a duet with Florida Georgia Line a few years back, and then we toured with them. It was US FGL and Nelly and what That's when I really kind of fell in love with because at that point they had broken down the kind of stereotype of doing songs with like urban artists and these types of things us exactly. So that's when I was like, oh, country is not country anymore.

00:35:05
Speaker 2: Country is pop.

00:35:06
Speaker 3: It's Bhilly Ray Cyrus did it with who did he do?

00:35:09
Speaker 2: Little? Nas Little?

00:35:11
Speaker 5: That was after FGL had done their song with Nelly, a song called drive.

00:35:15
Speaker 2: I think it was called yes So.

00:35:17
Speaker 4: But you guys wasn't like the first crossover of the two Nelly and Tim McGrath.

00:35:23
Speaker 2: I think my head, I think they did. Like, I think they did something too.

00:35:27
Speaker 3: It was like Belly Ray Cyrus did something and then eventually Billy Ray was way later.

00:35:32
Speaker 1: I was in my twenties when that happened. The og there we go.

00:35:37
Speaker 2: When was FGL and Nelly?

00:35:39
Speaker 5: Was that in the mid two thousand, like like two thousand, No, Nelly n FGL. I wonder when that was like two fourteen?

00:35:49
Speaker 2: Maybe do you know who I.

00:35:51
Speaker 1: Have the biggest girl crush on too?

00:35:54
Speaker 3: Really and I don't swing that way, but if I were to swing that way, Halsey Okay.

00:35:59
Speaker 4: Said, Okay, I like it.

00:36:04
Speaker 5: I mean no, I mean I yeah, I uh, I'm trying like I It's it's weird.

00:36:12
Speaker 2: So I used to have the biggest crush on Jessica Bale.

00:36:15
Speaker 5: And then and then now knowing her and she's married to a dear friend of mine, it.

00:36:22
Speaker 2: Makes it weird. It makes it weird. Uh my first time meeting.

00:36:27
Speaker 5: Her, Uh, Justin had a show at the I think it was at the Forum, and I was I was with my wife and we went backstage to you know, say hi, to everybody. And Jess was in the dressing room and I had never met her before. And my wife just throws men on the bus.

00:36:42
Speaker 2: She's like, he has the biggest crush on you.

00:36:44
Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh my god, did your turn beat right?

00:36:47
Speaker 5: I did?

00:36:48
Speaker 2: I did? But then Jess was so nice. She's like, well, you're my favorite, You're my favorite.

00:36:53
Speaker 5: Anyways, I'm like, oh God, I'm like, okay, well I can die happy now.

00:37:00
Speaker 3: But I just met her in Bozeman for the first time. Hair swan because they live in they live in Montana.

00:37:09
Speaker 1: People yes, like.

00:37:12
Speaker 5: I mean, I you know, I I think probably one of the most random artists that I'm a fan of, which I fell in love with when I first moved to California and in two thousand, I'm a I'm one of those guys that like puts twenty fours on his truck and like that's just you know whatever. And I was in my I think I was in my range Rover and bumping loud as I can and ya and sail away.

00:37:41
Speaker 2: And then there's one Carpe Carpe something, and.

00:37:48
Speaker 5: Then also there's the one that the Fuji sampled, which is that.

00:37:54
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I'll never forget this.

00:38:00
Speaker 5: Like Hoopedie pulls up next to me on like twenty six is, you know, on freaking airbags and is like doing this to me because of my my you know range, And I put the window down and he like lowers his music and he hears say the way and he puts his window right back up, and I'm like what everybody loves them some and ya.

00:38:21
Speaker 2: Come on, man, it's the best and yea or.

00:38:24
Speaker 5: Like emotion heap, like I love that, like ethereal Celtic.

00:38:29
Speaker 4: I'm into oh yeah, fuck, dude, are there? Why those innocent yes bring me to my yeah song?

00:38:40
Speaker 2: That song? Because I was, God, how old was I when that sack?

00:38:45
Speaker 5: When that song came out, there was like maybe thirteen fourteen, and like there was a a woman making kind of like orgasmic sounds on that song, and it really made me like I was like.

00:39:00
Speaker 2: Something's happening and I shouldn't be happening.

00:39:02
Speaker 5: And I'm listening to this song and I'm like what is it? Like I didn't I wasn't in touch with my hormones yet and like, but that song, I'll never forget that like deep breathing woman's voice and like moaning and I'm like, what the hell is this ship was.

00:39:19
Speaker 2: Enigma.

00:39:22
Speaker 4: Every moment of this podcast, by the way, we have touched on him getting in touch with his hormones. Sobriety, my pants, my pants. I'm so grateful that you made time for us today.

00:39:35
Speaker 5: I mean, thank you guys for having me, honestly, and we all should go to a meeting or definitely okay, wait.

00:39:40
Speaker 1: Two things.

00:39:40
Speaker 3: Meeting, yes, because AA comes before everything and then a concert.

00:39:45
Speaker 2: Done, meeting done.

00:39:48
Speaker 5: And so you're in Bozeman and she's moving back in on Okay, so that's where that's where she's makes sense because that's where Justin lives.

00:39:57
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, So we play pickleball at the same pickleball center, the only pick a ball center, and so Riley it like she volunteers for the younger kids, and they obviously have younger kids, and so she.

00:40:10
Speaker 1: Was playing with them and I'm like, do you know who that is?

00:40:12
Speaker 4: She's like, you know, just so wild, it's so crazy.

00:40:17
Speaker 5: I definitely want to down the road get it, Like Justin already sold me on it, but I'm like, I really want to ranch. Nothing massive, but I want to I want a place to go with the fam that is like off the grid.

00:40:31
Speaker 2: Yes, and I'm going away.

00:40:33
Speaker 5: Don't email me, don't text me unless someone dies. I don't want to hear from anybody. And I love animals, so I want like and I'm obsessed with goats.

00:40:43
Speaker 2: I just I love goats.

00:40:44
Speaker 1: Oh my god, can we come.

00:40:46
Speaker 2: I want goats, I want long I want sheep.

00:40:50
Speaker 5: I want long haired cows, but like the mini cows, and I don't want uh horses are high maintenance, and I do love horses, but I just want animals and I'm not going to kill. I just want animals, just and.

00:41:05
Speaker 2: Like I'm not well probably yeah. I do want fresh eggs, but I do not dirty. I do not like chickens.

00:41:15
Speaker 5: Chicken birds freak me out, like birds really freaked me out. I did this thing at the Playboy Mansion when it was still around. I was honoring Diane Warren. This was years ago, and she is a big animal conservationist and mainly birds.

00:41:33
Speaker 2: She's like, loves her birds.

00:41:35
Speaker 5: And I went there. I gave my little speech. They presented her with this award, and I'm like, okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna dip out. I came and did what I needed to do and show my support.

00:41:45
Speaker 2: For my girl.

00:41:46
Speaker 5: And then the press was like, oh, let's get a picture of you and Diane. I'm like, okay, so I'm posed next to her, and dude, I could have shipped my pants. They put a cockatoo on this arm and and I'm a call on this arm and I'm like, literally my eyes are like this. I'm like, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, like I'm holding my breath. No sudden movements, like I freaked out, like I can't.

00:42:15
Speaker 1: You're like snakes.

00:42:17
Speaker 3: If I see a snaks, you know there's.

00:42:22
Speaker 2: No clowns, absolutely not. And frogs. Frogs also things that jump.

00:42:29
Speaker 1: I don't like predictable thing.

00:42:32
Speaker 5: Yes, I lived when I was in Orlando before I moved to l A. I lived a mile and a half from my mom's house. I had a frog in my toilet. One afternoon, I made her drive to my house to get the frog out of my toilet.

00:42:46
Speaker 2: I couldn't even you couldn't give it a flash. No, I didn't want to kill it, but I didn't want it jumping on me.

00:42:54
Speaker 3: I love that we found this out about anything that jumps.

00:42:59
Speaker 2: I don't know that tarantula's jump. I didn't know that.

00:43:02
Speaker 5: My first My first in and rehab was at Sierra Tuson and Tucson, Arizona, and it was in July. So I was introduced to havevelina's, which are gnarly tarantula's. I'm monsoon scorpions, centipedes, but the tarantula thing. I saw one over they had this thing called the butt Hut where you can smoke, and I was outside having a cigarette and I saw one kind of in the pathway.

00:43:28
Speaker 2: And I'm like, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

00:43:31
Speaker 5: And then I went to walk around it like wide, and it reared up and jumped up like a good two and.

00:43:37
Speaker 2: A half feet.

00:43:39
Speaker 5: Oh my god, I'm pretty sure I blacked out and then I ended up back in my room. But I was like, oh hell no, I did not know that they can do that. So no, And recently I was at I was at a friend's daughter's birthday party and she's obsessed which she has a bearded dragon, she had rats, she has a tarantula. So they had this animal guy come with like all these exact animals for the kids to play with. In Son of a Bitch, put the tarentula on my head and I I I I've never been more still in my life, and I thought maybe this will be like the turning point and I'll be able to hold run.

00:44:21
Speaker 1: In my hair.

00:44:23
Speaker 5: No, I whipped my head. It fell down. We're in the living room of my friend's house and like we can't find it.

00:44:32
Speaker 2: Oh.

00:44:33
Speaker 5: I'm like, I'm so sorry because there's like little six year.

00:44:37
Speaker 2: Olds running around and I'm like, oh my god, I'm gonna kill somebody.

00:44:40
Speaker 1: Remove their teeth. I think when they're.

00:44:42
Speaker 5: Yeah, they they well, they grin. I think they grind them, they grind the fangs or something that happens. I don't know, but I was thankfully we found it rather quickly, but I was like, oh my god, I'm gonna kill somebody's kid with a tarantula.

00:44:56
Speaker 2: You know, it happens. What are you gonna do?

00:44:59
Speaker 3: You could do?

00:45:00
Speaker 4: Thank you for joining us on an unlikely affair.

00:45:03
Speaker 2: Amber. I love you to death. I love you.

00:45:05
Speaker 4: Thank you guys for listening to this episode. We're going to catch you next week. Love y'all, Bye bye,