230 | The Calm Before the Storm: Understanding Shifts in Child-Centered Play Therapy

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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Your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get a master class in child-centered,

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play therapy and practical support and application for

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your work with children and their families.

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In today's episode. I am answering a question from Jyotsna in India.

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And her question is

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about

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a child that comes in one way

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and in the middle of a session

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completely transforms and takes a totally different direction in their play

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and how to make sense of that.

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So, a really interesting question Jyotsna

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thank you so much. It's so nice to hear from you in India.

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And

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I know that you are actively doing your master's in

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well through the United Kingdom,

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but really exciting to have listeners in India. So really happy to hear from you.

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Ok. So I'll read parts of the question and then we'll dive in.

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I'm wondering what to make of a child who walks in. Sleepily

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lies down,

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chooses a book to be read to. And the book was the grumpy monkey seems fitting

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and then announces that he wants to destroy everything

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proceeds to tip all the baskets that had everything that can go in the sand tray,

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then hurls toys across the room

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and as he walks out, kicks a box of blocks.

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Oh,

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I love these kinds of sessions and I'm

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saying that legitimately that was not sarcasm.

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I really like that kind of session because

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I just, I love having the front row seat to what's going on with a child.

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So,

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Jyotsna, thanks so much for bringing this up. Let's talk through this.

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So when a child walks in

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and

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lays down says they're bored, says they're tired,

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lies down,

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does a really calm,

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you know, sedentary type of activity.

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There are several reasons that can happen in this particular case,

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I would call it the calm before the storm.

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And what I mean by that is

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that's essentially

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an internal battle

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for what's to come. In other words, I know I have this work that needs to be done,

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but I need to prepare myself for this.

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I don't know that I'm ready. I don't know that I want to do this.

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So

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sometimes

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that very calm, indifferent kind of attitude can be a little bit avoidant.

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They know what they need to do,

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but they don't feel ready or willing or able to do it yet.

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So they'll just kind of avoid it and do something else. Instead,

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sometimes it is actually an internal warring

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of.

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I really would rather just sit here and be calm,

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but no, I can't. I have to get up and destroy things.

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So it's often a waffling that's going on between the head and the heart if you will.

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I think he literally was just preparing for the work that he needed to do.

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You did not mention how many sessions in you are.

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But that seems to me like a really big obstacle and hurdle that was overcome almost

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as if he'd been waiting to fully dive into the work that he needed to do.

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It was either in preparation or it was in fear.

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People pleasing perfectionism.

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You know, I'm not really sure what the circumstances are.

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So

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when he comes in

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is sleepy, lies down, chooses a book

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and then announces he wants to destroy everything

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when a child tells you what they're about to

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do and what they're about to do is quite dysregulated

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and sometimes it'll just be what they say they want to do. So

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I want to pour this sand all over your head.

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Now, whether the child is actually going to pour the sand all over your head,

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you know, you never know, it's happened before to me.

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But

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ideally, you would like to think that they're just hypothetically saying that

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or sometimes they say

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I'm going to and then they actually follow through and do it.

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But in either case, when a child throws that out,

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what if I think I'm going to, I want to,

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that kind of thing.

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It's always a little bit of a test,

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a little bit of a dip, the toe, little bit of, let me see how I feel, saying it out loud.

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Let me see how I handle

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just admitting it.

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Let me see how you respond. Let me see if you react. Let me see if you set a limit.

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Let me see if there's any kind of relational damage from me bringing this up.

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It's, it's a testing

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and then he proceeds to

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destroy everything like he said, he was going to

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and then he starts throwing things across the room.

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All right. So we see some mess making.

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We see some destructive play.

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We see absolutely some aggressive play.

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I would argue that was

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an absolute release

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of so much pent up junk.

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So I can almost guarantee you there's angst, I can almost guarantee you.

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There's anxiety.

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I think there's so much he's been holding on

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and

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you have, I mean, I use that analogy all the time.

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You know, a spool can only be so tightly wound,

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the string can get tighter and tighter and tighter, but eventually it will snap.

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And the playroom is one of those unique places in a child's life where they

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actually have an outlet and a channel for

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all the stuff that they're carrying around.

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So when a child feels the need to release all that big stuff,

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it usually comes out in

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mess making and destruction and aggression

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because they're just finally saying, ok, good. I can clear all of this

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and

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parents sometimes are horrified to hear that,

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especially when you meet with them for a consultation

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and you mentioned that there,

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there's been some mess making play or some aggressive play

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and they go, oh my gosh. And you know, there's this big reaction

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and our job is always to normalize and reassure them.

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This is exactly what we want.

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This is, this is what we were hoping for.

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We know that he needs to release this. We know that he needs to let all of this go.

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We we understand there needs to be a channel for this healthy outlet.

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I'm so glad that he's doing this. This is really what we've been waiting for

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and that not only kind of normalizes it for them,

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but it also helps them to see the value of it

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because this is very valuable meaningful work.

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Now, you mentioned that he hurled toys across the room.

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So I have no idea what kind of toy I have no

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idea if you were in the general direction of said hurling,

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but

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just be aware that if you need to,

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you would set a limit.

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So if he's throwing toys that can get broken,

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if he's throwing toys that are going to cause damage to your wall,

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if he's throwing toys that are hard and are going to potentially hit you,

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you would set a limit if necessary. Now remember the only reasons we would set a limit

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are your safety, his safety and the toys can't be broken or damaged

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and property can't be broken or damaged.

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So those would be the reasons we would set limits.

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But the release and the aggression and the mess making and the destruction

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that's really appropriate and

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healthy play.

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So, unless you feel that there's a safety issue or that there's a damage issue,

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I personally, in my room,

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I would not set a limit on anything you described unless

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something was being thrown directly at me that could hurt me.

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But then I would just provide choices of where he could throw those same toys.

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So if he really needs to throw something, there are alternatives to that

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and

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what you're describing really,

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I think is a child that just finally dove into the work that he needed to do.

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And that's best case scenario. That's one of my favorite things

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when a child's been holding off and resisting and avoiding and waiting and not sure.

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And there's just been this back and forth hem and haw

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and then all of a sudden they're like, ok, here we go.

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Oh my gosh. I internally celebrate those sessions so much.

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I had someone tell me ages ago

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you smile on the outside and you do back flips and cartwheels, you know,

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on the inside too,

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because we have to remain neutral, right?

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Our affect is not supposed to be happy that a child is mess making. But

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we have all of these emotions inside going on when the child

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finally starts to dive in and face what they need to.

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So,

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Jyotsna

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thank you so much for this email. I hope that all of you find that helpful

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and we need to be mindful always

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that

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children know the work they need to do.

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And sometimes it seems a little bit discombobulated.

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Sometimes it seems a little bit

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unmatched. I mean, why in the world did he come in?

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Lay down, read a book and then just start destroying everything.

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I know that doesn't seem congruent,

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but in the grand scheme of things, we can see how it was preparation.

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And so we may not always be able to connect things,

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but we know that trusting the child means trusting that the

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child's going to do the work that the child needs to do

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and ultimately trusting the process.

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And I think that's what's going on right there. So

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again, Jyotsna,

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thanks so much for the email. Please email me brenna@thekidcounselor.com.

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You can also leave a voicemail if you're in the States at 813-812-5525.

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Love y'all. Great to be with you. Talk again soon. Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with

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Dr Brenna Hicks for more episodes and resources.

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Please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.