More Than A Woman with Khadeen Ellis

00:00:00
Speaker 1: This episode discussed its early pregnancy loss view discretion is advised. If you're someone you know has had a miscarriage and need support, please call the Miscarriage and Abortion Hotline at one eight three three two four six two six three two. Hello and welcome to this episode of Keep It Positive. Sweetie. I'm Christahine Hazlet, and today I have with me. Ain't this whatch? I've been waiting for it because y'all have been asking for this one, says Kadeen Ellis my love, My god, thanks, I would.

00:00:41
Speaker 2: Like jump across you. I'm so happy to be here. I am so happy to be on this couch with you.

00:00:49
Speaker 1: No, I'm happy. Yes, Oh my god, our schedules finally aligned. We got you on the couch. I'm so excited now. And people y'all have been willing this, like they're like, what are you gonna have Kadean on? When are gonna Yeah?

00:01:01
Speaker 2: It's adult life, though, it's like you literally have to like cross reference schedule just to like see someone that you really want to see.

00:01:07
Speaker 1: No, seriously, it is crazy. I find myself like trying to get on people's calendar just to spend time with him. Because our schedules are so crazy, for sure. Are you free this day? All right? Absolutely?

00:01:18
Speaker 2: In the calendar in right now? You know? So? Are we gonna pencil the center is? It's a sharpie like sometimes you need that time. Absolutely decompressing enough for sure. I love it.

00:01:28
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm so happy you're here. When I think about Ukadeen, I think of the song I'm every Woman. So we're gonna sing it a little.

00:01:37
Speaker 2: Bit now we classic now see me. I love it. Well, you stay at you. What you're not about to do is that.

00:01:49
Speaker 1: I got it.

00:01:50
Speaker 2: My karaoke segments be terrible.

00:01:52
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, that's what it's fun if you want to try. Okay, al right, like this every woom mon, it's allid me.

00:02:06
Speaker 3: Anything you won't do, I do it naturally.

00:02:21
Speaker 1: You're harmonizing it.

00:02:22
Speaker 2: Though, I mean even heard it.

00:02:24
Speaker 1: I mean I heard the armies.

00:02:26
Speaker 2: I've been hanging around you a little bit.

00:02:29
Speaker 1: Yes, I love it.

00:02:31
Speaker 2: I love the good one. Thank you of course.

00:02:33
Speaker 1: No, you really are? You really are. I want to let the people know who you are. I know most of you already know this, But Kadeen Ellis is a host actress with credits on Tyler Pays Bruh and Will Packer's Bigger. She completed a BA in Broadcast Journalism and her m A and Speech Communications, Rhetorical Studies and Performance Studies at Halstraw University. She is also the co host of Webby Award winning podcasts Dead Ass with Kadeen and de Val, New York Times best selling author of We Over Me, A Wife and a Mom to Four Whole Boys.

00:03:09
Speaker 2: I love how you always around it out with the Whole Boys. It's always crazy when I hear my I guess, like a biography or like someone like you know, introduces me, because it's so easy to get lost in the shuffle of like I'm not doing enough for like what's next, and not even like thinking about the things that I've accomplished. So every time I hear like Webby Award winning podcast or I hear you know New York Times bestseller, it's just that's.

00:03:35
Speaker 1: Huge, you daddy, It's you.

00:03:39
Speaker 2: It's crazy.

00:03:40
Speaker 1: I can imagine all the things you've achieved.

00:03:42
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I feel like I'm just scratching the surface exactly the crazy part of it.

00:03:46
Speaker 1: Yeah. I love that. I love that the first time we met or that was introduced to you was actually when I was Season two Sisters, and I don't think I had met you yet personally, but I was introduced as Devo's new love interest and I was afraid to kiss him. And he called you and was like, can you please tell this girl it's okay.

00:04:13
Speaker 2: It's okay, and it's like okay.

00:04:15
Speaker 1: And that was the first time we actually talked on face time. I was like, oh my gosh, she's so cool. And then we developed our own friendship outside of me and Devo's friendship. Yeah. Sure, did I appreciate you for that?

00:04:26
Speaker 2: No, girl, You know it's funny because I think people just want to naturally expect for us to have.

00:04:33
Speaker 1: Me Yeah, Like why, Like, we're.

00:04:36
Speaker 2: Both professionals, we're both in the industry. Deval have it to call me to FaceTime to be like, just tell her it's okay. I mean, just even that, just let me know that. I'm just like, all right, well, it matters to you, and it really doesn't have to like, it's not your responsibility as a professional in a professional work environment to make me feel comfortable with what my husband is doing as his job as a professional. I mean, the fact that that even had to happen, that exchange. It was funny. We laughed about it, but I'm like, girl, you got to kiss that man and cash that check, okay, because we got four hole boys like we say hello and stuff to do, and you know I'm saying, and we understand what it is like just being in the industry. I think that's the positive that comes from having a spouse who's who are both in the industry, because we understand how these love scenes work. We understand how like how unattractive it is in the in the moment, like there's nothing sexy about.

00:05:30
Speaker 1: Sexy, nothing at all.

00:05:32
Speaker 2: It's literally like literally acting. So I appreciate that you after that then took the extra mouth to say like, hey, you know, I'm Crystal, and you reached out and we found out that we had so many things in common and we literally just hit it off.

00:05:44
Speaker 1: Yes literally like after a while was.

00:05:46
Speaker 2: Just like, well, who's friend is it? Anyway? He's my friend, Like you know, So I appreciate that about you just taking that extra initiative to do that, because you really didn't have to do. None of my husband's co stars, whether it's a man or a woman, owe me anything. And it's the same thing with me. When I'm doing my face work.

00:06:04
Speaker 1: It's worked, and I finally got into that realization that this is where can learn how to separate Crystal from the characters. Yes, because that was hard for me in the beginning. Really, it was so hard, because.

00:06:13
Speaker 2: Why do you think, is it because you tapped into Crystal for the character or.

00:06:17
Speaker 1: Was it just I feel like it was one just not knowing how to separate. That's my first real big role, you know, So just understanding there is a separation and then separating my morals with the character. Yeah, you know, so that was it was. It was tough for in the beginning, trying to separate and just even get comfortable in.

00:06:34
Speaker 2: That right right right now, I can get it's hard to total line because the audience sometimes they can't make the difference out either.

00:06:41
Speaker 1: No, they cannot, you know, so that's.

00:06:43
Speaker 2: Hard to navigate you.

00:06:44
Speaker 1: Yeah.

00:06:45
Speaker 2: So I don't envy you guys, because I'm like, man, people run up with a Valan expect him to be Zach at the time.

00:06:51
Speaker 1: I'm Fatima.

00:06:52
Speaker 2: You're Fatima Patina.

00:06:53
Speaker 1: Sometimes I'd be like, like.

00:06:57
Speaker 2: You didn't hear it because my name is Crystal. But I get it if people have that familiarity and they relate.

00:07:03
Speaker 1: So yes, no, for sure, and we appreciate it, really do for sure. But today I want to know Kadeen outside of being a wife and a mother. I want to know you, and I feel like the world needs to know more of who you are. I agree. Yes, So you were raised in a family from the Islands. You were the oldest of three siblings. Shout out Sakari, interested.

00:07:28
Speaker 2: Those are my babies before my babies.

00:07:30
Speaker 1: Exactly, exactly, and that's what I want to talk about. How was you being the oldest. A lot of times there's pressure put on the oldest child and then you end up being like they ended up being your babies as well. That's how it was for me, my little brother that was like my first baby.

00:07:45
Speaker 2: Absolutely, I think there was a great deal of pressure on me. Not that it was necessarily placed on by my parents, but knowing my parents struggle and where they came from, I feel like it was that there was no other way than for me to make them proud. So everything that I did, every decision that I made, even when I was like really young, I could think as early as like ten eleven twelve, like everything I thought about doing, I always thought about my parents first, Well, this make my family proud because I only was I the first child, I was the first grandchild. I'm the first niece. Like I was really that on my mom's side and on my dad's side. I had a couple cousins before me, but I really took to heart the responsibility that I had to be the leader by example. So you know, I was literally like my sister's mom, second mom. She's ten years younger than me. My brother's four years younger. I'm still like his mom. So this day I'm like Tristan really, but yeah, I just know how difficult it was from my parents when they came up from the Islands. My mom was seventeen when she came up from Jamaica by herself and was staying with you know, a family friend and then another family friend. And she was the oldest of six as well, so she was right. So she had to learn how to navigate in this brand new country with nothing, and her mom was like, you need to make something of yourself, go to nursing school. So my mom came up here, was living with a family friend. She started working at Burger King to just you know, make some cash. While she was in nursing school well, finishing up college first and then nursing school, worked her way up to become a manager at Burger King, then eventually got into the hospital. When she graduated from nursing school, she met my dad, you know, then they had me so just seeing how diligent my mom was, you know, and she didn't take no for an answer, And to this day she's still that way her work ethic. If anything, That's where I get it from. It's like her and my dad really had to make a way out of no way. So failure was not an option for me. Disappointing my family was not an option for me, And that was just something innate. That's something that I felt like I owed them, because so many times you hear as parents we talk about the things we sacrifice for our children. Yeah, but I don't necessarily think that it's a sacrifice for the children. You have children, and you want to give them the best. So in order to do that, you have to prioritize what makes the most sense for you and your children, and that comes with having to sacrifice sometimes. But I would never say that, for example, with me and my children, I would never say like or throw it in their face, like I've sacrificed all of this to give you the life that you've had. No, I wanted to give you this life. So because I wanted to give you this life and provide you with opportunities, which is exactly what my mom and dad did. I think that what's naturally owed to a parent is for you to do your absolute best, and that was most important to me.

00:10:46
Speaker 1: I love that. I love that. Now how did that shape how you parent Jackson, your oldest son, because he's now the big brother.

00:10:54
Speaker 2: You know, it's amazing to see how the first born, and this is even just examining, for lack of a better word, first borns, even with a couple of my friends or like even Deval who's a first born, there's like an innate sense of nurturing, leadership, responsibility that comes with the oldest. But I do give Jackson a lot of empathy because I understand the weight and the pressure that's put on you as the oldest. But he's just like naturally just a nurturer. He's a huge EmPATH. I mean, every single grade that he's been in, every teacher that he's encountered, he's won countless awards for just you know, leadership and just being a good person, being a good human, and at the root of it, being the oldest. I think that that's what's necessary because the oldest sets the tone for the rest of the kids, you know. So when Jackson says we're going right, you best believe Cairo, Kas and Kolder are going right. They don't know where they're going, but we doing it together, you know what I'm saying. That like a little old past. So it's beautiful to see that. And so many times Deval and I pulled Jackson aside because he's five years older than Cairo, so it was Deval, Jackson and I for a long time together. Yeah, and we reminisced about like being back in Brooklyn because he's one of the few that remembers the apartment and the struggle and the day in and out and the process and the hustle and the back and forth and the way we had to lean on Jackson for It's okay. There were times when things were really hard and all and I at each other. We had each other, and then we had Jackson, who was the honeymoon baby that came along. Because it's like Okay, we've been together for eight years. We're married now, like let's have a baby. Yeah, But we think about from time to time how much it was just the three of us and that's all we had. And I'll never forget when Devalon Jackson they started auditioning. We started auditioning again because if I was like, okay, i had the gym as my source of income, I'm working as a makeup artist. And we started doing auditions together for family commercial stuff, trying to get our foot into the industry. And Deval and Jackson booked the Cheerios commercial. It was the cutest things not have our Cheerios. I need to run that back. It was a really good commercial. So Jackson was about four at the time and he and Deval had this Cheerios commercial that was running, and financially we were like struggling, you know, we're just we weren't poor, but we were broke. You know. We were making this meet paycheck to paycheck and things like that, and Jackson's checks were coming in for those Cheerios commercials, and we had to use some of that money just to like get through in times. You know, we're having rents and then you have the gym and you have all these things that you're juggling. And I said to Jackson, I'm like, man, we have no idea how much he helps just by being himself. You know, he wait in there and he booked the audition, and I was just like, wow, he has no idea how much he saved us. Oh my god, in those moments when it was just really difficult, and at times when our marriage was struggling, and it was easy to say within that first five years, let's just throw in the towel, but the common goal was to make sure that we were good parents first and foremost, especially in that time because I know now we've evolved into the kids ain't first, But in that moment and in that season where we were in with Jackson, like him being the first and being the oldest, because like we have a camaraderie, yeah, because we know what it's like to have the pressure to succeed, to set the tone. So many times my brother and sister be like, man, you have a hell of a shoe to fill, you know. But I always encourage them and let them know the same way I encourage Jackson to do with his brothers is, you know, everyone has their own path and their own journey and it's not to be compared, but it's to be supported in whatever phase of life that looks like for them to help them get through that struggle. So, yeah, that was you ask me about Jackson. I didn't expect to do that to cry, but he's just such a freaking good kid.

00:15:36
Speaker 1: He's such a good kids, a light. All your kids are like, they're the sweetest.

00:15:41
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just the moments when he comes and he just checks in on me, just you know, just checking on you. Happen if I'm in the house and the well by one come look for me. But you know, Jackson makes it a point to make sure that we're okay, and he can always tell you when something's a little bit off or if devows a little bit under pressure or stressed about something, he can just tell. He just has a way of just healing in that moment. And I love him so much for that.

00:16:05
Speaker 1: Shout out, Jackson.

00:16:06
Speaker 2: Yes, I love you, love you jack.

00:16:08
Speaker 1: Yes, Oh my goodness, Okay.

00:16:14
Speaker 2: I know I'm like I thought we were just gonna be but it's all good. Just took it, tak it. It's the couch and that has to be. It's a safe space and I love that for you and whoever sits here. It's a space to open up.

00:16:28
Speaker 1: Absolutely absolutely. I want to talk about young Kadeen, seven year old, ten year old, twelve year old Kadeen. What did she dream about at that age?

00:16:40
Speaker 2: The one thing I always know that was consistent with seven, ten, twelve, fifteen, I know I always wanted to be a wife and mom. I always wanted to have a family. That was like the first thing, first priority for me. I knew that I just didn't want to just be alone or just be a career woman solely. I wanted to make sure that I had a family. But I also dreamed about being on stage and performing and being in front of the camera. And you know, that was something that I always saw. And I remember watching Miss America, Miss USA on TV with my mom and I saw the girls on stage in these beautiful dresses and they spoke so well, and I'm just like wow, like that's something I want to do. So when I was ten years old, this pageant pamphlet came because you're a pageant girl too.

00:17:26
Speaker 1: There's another one. Our connections, Our.

00:17:27
Speaker 2: Connections, Yeah yeah, yes, so a pants that came in the mail for like the Miss New York American co Ed pageant, and I was like, Mom, I think I want to like do this. My mom was just like, oh, this is like this America we watch on TV and stuff. So she's like, all right, this sounds good because you know, not all pagetes are created equal, and at that age, some of them you had to like have all the glitz and the glands and make it the girls look older than they were. And my mom wasn't about that life. But this particular pageant system, they they really wanted a girl who was age appropriate. Their focus was on on public speaking skills, interview skills, you know, being on stage and stage presence and how to carry yourself and etiquette. So my mom was like, I think this might be a good thing for you because we're back in the day people used to do like etiquette classes and stuff like that, or you had cotillions and things like that.

00:18:16
Speaker 1: We had what was called the Rites of Passage we had to go through.

00:18:19
Speaker 2: GOTCHAA, so something very similar. So once I hit the stage at ten years old, I was like, oh, yeah, this is where I want to be. But I did have this internal struggle as I hit my teens and in high school because time came for college and I had to apply for college, and you're thinking about what you want to do with the rest of your life. I come from a family of nurses, doctors, lab technicians, ultrasound texts, like everyone is in some sort of medical feel situation, and I felt the pressure to just kind of continue that because you're also kind of hearing from your West Indian family that the only way you're going to make money is if you're a doctor, a lawyer, an engineer, like those are like the three things that you can do in order to be successful. But one thing my parents never hampered was my ability to dream and to do more and to be bigger. My mother especially, and what amazes me about her. I don't feel like I give her enough credit sometimes because she's coming from an environment where like she literally knew nothing, you know, the country in Jamaica. She's from claren and Jamaica in the country, like she couldn't see past her doorstep, yes, yes, which most people can. They can't see past their immediate environment. So when she came up here and she saw all of the opportunities, she was like, my daughter can do anything, anything, and when you have at least one parent, my father's a little skeptical. He was just like, I don't know, I think that nurse money looking real good. You know, I'm saying it's given, you need to go to nursing school. But my mother especially really just tapped into all those extracurriculars and made sure that I was well rounded, so that regardless of what I decided to do, she was setting me up for success. Shout out to me, She's a gem, She's a jet is. So yeah, that was my dilemma when I hit that teenage age because I was going into high school, well leaving high school into college. And I remember my mom being upset because I took a year to go to a local college, Brooklyn College, because I was so undecided about what I wanted to do. I was having this internal tug of warts like nursing school, communications, nursing schools. It's a huge difference. There's no overlapping courses, the credits don't transfer like this was like it. But me, thinking about not wanting to waste money and time, I said, you know what, let me do some liberal arts courses at Brooklyn College for a year. Make sure that my GPA is sky high, so that way I can then set myself up to transfer into either a nursing program or communication.

00:21:01
Speaker 1: Wow, And it was communication what made like, what made you make that final choice for you?

00:21:08
Speaker 2: I just felt like my heart was not in the nursing medical field. And that's a feel that requires people to wholeheartedly want to be in that field. That's heart work, literally hard work. You need to want to care for others, and that just wasn't my thing. Not that I don't care for others, but that way. And then also just like blood vomited, it just it just I just don't have the stomach for it. I just it just did not resonate with me as something that would make me happy for the rest of my life. So I'm taking the unconventional route and I went to do communications, and I applied to three schools. Boston University had a really good program, the University of Maryland, and Hofstra. Now, my mom wanted me to stay closer to home, so of course Hofsha was her pick, because, like I said, my sister's ten years younger at that point, I'm about eighteen, she's only eight. So she's like, if you go away to college far like, you're not going to really be able to like foster this relationship with your sister, and that's important to her at the time, and it was important to me too as well. So yeah, it boiled down to where gave me the most scholarship money and it happened to be half stra Okay, so it worked out forty five minutes away from home, so I still had my space because baby, we standy household, Baby is very tight. It's very tight. You get swallowed up and there, okay, swallowed swallowed So and that was just my parents trying to protect me from the elements and being a parent. Now I completely understand it, Mom and dad. Sorry for fighting you back in the day. But like I understand, I had enough space where I didn't feel stifled, but it was enough where I was close to home, so my parents felt the comfort of me being able to come home exactly, and that's important.

00:22:57
Speaker 1: That was too chill okay, period, lucky lucky him. I love it.

00:23:07
Speaker 2: Yeah, So that's that's where the youth version of Kadeen was really trying to see past what was in my immediate right real, yeah.

00:23:19
Speaker 1: Exactly, as forty year old Kadeen. What would you tell younger Kadeen.

00:23:23
Speaker 2: Now, the one thing that always comes to mind is forget and do not worry about what other people think of you and what you're doing. That was so stifling for me, Chris. I feel like I would have taken more chances, I would have gone out on more limbs, I would have accomplished.

00:23:47
Speaker 1: More, And You've accomplished so much. But I know what you mean.

00:23:52
Speaker 2: But even just thinking about like twenty something year old Kadeen, which is now twenty years ago, you know what I'm saying is crazy girl not doing the math now because the math will be math for me half the time me in my head. But no, really, I just like that was always impressed upon me to from my family, like what will people think? And the more I sat back and looked at it over the years, I'm like, who are these said people and what are they contributing to my life and to my story that even grants them the permission to even have an opinion about what I'm doing? Right, it's ultimately at the root of it, it's my happiness and it's my life. And even if I take that chance and I fail, that's my lesson. To be learning, and I would have done a lot more had I not been so concerned about that. And I'm thankful to Devour because he's like he was always the complete opposite. He never cared what people thought, and I would always be the one in the back life like fall into the couch, like, oh God, here we go. But then I've also seen how much he was also able to accomplish earlier on in life, you know, because he just didn't give a damn.

00:25:13
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's real.

00:25:14
Speaker 2: He didn't give a damn. As long as you're not hurting anyone, you're not disrespecting anyone, do whatever it is God is telling you to do. You gotta do that, whatever purpose he's placed in your body, on your heart, on your soul, do that, yes, because he's the only one who can tell me what to do how to do it. He's providing my source of happiness. He's giving me the ability to provide for my family. So why am I listening to anybody else?

00:25:46
Speaker 1: Hello?

00:25:47
Speaker 2: That is I wish I had somebody telling me that earlier. And I'm happy and I'm grateful. For example, I have the relationship with my sister now, who's ten years my junior, and the things that I'm learning at forty and through my thirties and forties, I can tell her at twenty nine.

00:26:03
Speaker 1: Hey, sis, yes, you know I will.

00:26:06
Speaker 2: Not steer you wrong.

00:26:07
Speaker 1: Yes, okay, Yeah.

00:26:08
Speaker 2: You're gonna have your own life lessons. However, if I could just give you a little nugget to think about, yeah, that can save you some time, yes, and potential heartache, yes, in the future.

00:26:20
Speaker 1: You know, that is so real, that's so blessed. Yeah. No, that's big. That is big. You and Devao met each other in elementary school. You've known each other since elementary sentary school.

00:26:33
Speaker 2: It's wild, right, it's wild.

00:26:36
Speaker 1: Started dating in your teens, yes, and you've been together ever since. Was there ever a moment that you wish that you may have dated more or like, you know, say had that. Do you ever feel like you missed any of those moments? You know, for me, like I dated in my twenties thirties, she's going going where is where is he? But as a woman, do you ever look back like dang, I wish i'd like look back at some of your friends, like I wish I had like a little dating things, you know, not saying that you I know you were happy. But do you ever as a woman, do you ever have those moments.

00:27:14
Speaker 2: Totally in this girl to moment, I feel safe to say I do have had I had that I should say, moments where I was just like, it would be cool to kind of juggle a little bit, you know what I'm because I got friends. I hear you be juggling and what this is giving Barnum and Billy circus. You never soul Sometimes it's a little ghetto. But I was like, you know, I did have moments where I was just like, what would it be like to just like date around and like be wined and dine. But do I feel like I missed anything per se? No, what I did miss was the opportunity to just live on my own. That's one thing that I wish I did do. Yeah, I went from my and this is one thing my mother and my mother in law warned me about. You know, when we don't listen to you know, our senior y'all want to say, senior y'all ay' oh, you know you don't want to listen to your parents. They were like, you know, you guys should take some time to be individuals, Like could he get your own place, if I'll get your own place, and like you guys date and then you go to each other's houses and whatnot. But to Deval and I, well, of course him thinking from a fiscally responsible, you know, standpoints, he was like always thinking about the dollars and the sense does it make sense? He's like, why would I get a spy? You get a spy and then we both have to pay rent? Like we just pay one rent Like that just makes the most sense. Right, But you know that like Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City, like you got your little all white penthouse apartment. You know, everything is cute, you know walking down street, you know, and every woman in your head literally going to work and you're doing your career thing. Like that's the only thing, the only component that I feel like, damn, I wish I had, like even if it was like a year or two, just to like have my own spot and then just do my thing into just like coming and going and having my own personal space because I literally went from parents house to the Yeah. But in terms of like juggling guys or dating other people to see what's out there, I really don't think I was missing anything because right now like I talk to you all the time, and ghetto the ghetto, it's the hood. It's as Jamaicans would say, it's the gaza, it's the gully. Nobody wants to go there. So yeah, I don't feel like I'm missing anything. But the beauty in Devo is that over the years, because we always get the question too, like you guys have been together for twenty two years, like how do you keep it going? Beauty in dating and being with DeVos that I feel like I'm constantly dating a different version of the same person and it just keeps getting better. It just keeps getting better, like Devalid eighteen. Of course, wasn't Devlod twenty one or twenty five or thirty or you know. So we're deliberate about continuing to physically date, meaning date nights and things like that. But as we evolve and as we grow as individuals and a couple together, I think giving each other the space, grace and the latitude to change makes me feel like, damn, I'm getting like a new version of this man, like I never know what to expect, you know. So the dating within our marriage, I think is what makes me feel like damn, I really am not missing much.

00:30:16
Speaker 1: You're not. I can tell you that now. I have a lot of girl, I just want to see you. No, you don't, I'm telling you right now.

00:30:25
Speaker 2: I'm living vicariously through all of y'all's escacades. Okay, I got a friend or two who's like newly divorced or like back on the scene, or you know, younger friends and stuff who are dating, and I'm just like, oh, I'm here for the story and the group chat. Yeah, group chats.

00:30:38
Speaker 1: Being listen, the stories are It's.

00:30:41
Speaker 2: Like a rollercoaster. It's like we're laughing one minute and.

00:30:43
Speaker 1: We're all crying together and angry.

00:30:45
Speaker 2: So that's why we have each other. That's what the group chats are for.

00:30:48
Speaker 1: That's right, that is what the group chats are for. Seriously, the world knows your family from social media initially, and you guys, share so much of your life with the world, and you spoke about learning to not care about what other people think. Sometimes social media and exposing a lot can also bring a lot of mental health issues. You know, and work on your self esteem and also anxiety and different things like that that people don't think about when you talk about social media. How have you worked around that. Has there ever been instances where you were like, oh my gosh, like this is a lot, Like I need to unplug and how do you balance all that? Girl?

00:31:32
Speaker 2: It's a daily struggle. For me. It's a daily struggle because one minute I'm just like, woo, let's do it, and the other day I'm just like I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. You know, it's just gonna disappear. There was a turning point for me though, when it came to just social media. Chrystals, couch go. Okay. So I was not signed up for social media initially when Deval presented it to me. I've said that to many people before because I just, again was grown up in a household where you just don't tell your business. You don't tell your business, and if you have an issue, it's swept under the rug to never be to never see the light of days. Yeah. Yeah, So that's that's how I'm used to functioning. So when he mentioned like, oh, like there's this social media thing, Instagram was just kind of starting to pop. You know, you have three hundred followers. It's like, oh, that's cute, and then three hundred becomes three thousand and it's like, oh, that's cute. I wasn't initially bought onto it, but he had a vision for us being in the entertainment industry. He's like, you know, booking these auditions the traditional route just is never guaranteed. Let's try something different, you know. So him being the creative and me being the talent, I'm like, sure, let's try it. So we go on social media and we start putting up clips about us being millennial parents, you know, kids and being married and all that good stuff, trucking through Brooklyn with all these kids. And early on I used to be in the comments a lot because that's just what you do. You post something and you want to see what people think about it, So you know, what should I post more of this? Should I post less? You know, kind of getting a pulse on like how it's being received, right, And for a while, you know I was doing that. And you know, when you share, you have to understand too that it's subjective. People are going to feel what they want to feel about it, and you have to deal with that if you know they're going to be sharing. If not, just don't share. If you don't want to have to open yourself up to that. And I think the big turning point for me when it comes to caring what other people think along with social media, was in September of twenty twenty. We were in the pandemic and social media was really where people were staying connected at this point because everything was shut down and everyone's just sharing what their experience looks like during you know, the whole Panini going on, and I Devalo I were actively trying to get pregnant with our fourth child because we had Jackson chyron Katz and we're trying something different because I know God has the final say, in the final answer, and I wholeheartedly believe whoever He places in my care as my child is my child, and I don't question it. So if it's four boys, four girls, two boys, two girls, I was welcoming that. However, you hear these things about the scientific approach to how you can try to sway your chance, yeah, you know, so I was just like, all right, it's the fourth one. We knew we wanted at least four children, So I'm just like, let's just see how this goes you. Let's see there's any truth in this scientific method, right, So for fun I ended up getting this book called the Baby Dust Method, and the Baby Dust Method pretty much tells a really small book, short read, but it comes along with these ovulation testers. So what you do is, when you know that you're actively trying to get pregnant, you test your ovulation after your period, like every day you're dipping the stick, dipping the sick, and then once you see that you're ovulating, you count a certain number of days into your ovulation and you have sex before that because once you're ovulating, whatever sperm is inside will then fertilize the egg. And the theory is that the boy's sperm smomes faster than the girls swarm sperm, So if you have sex preovulation, the boys will race and die off, but the girls kind of hang around and be like, yeah, when is the party getting started? You know, when is the egg going to drop? Right, So we were just see how it goes, So we tried. It was July we tried. The thing is if you have sex too far before your ovulation, then you probably just won't get pregnant at all, because by the time you ovulate, there's nothing left. Right, So July nothing happened, didn't get pregnant August. Nothing didn't get pregnant. September. I'll never forget. It was Kiro's birthday and I remember telling de Bell, we have to have sex like today, Like I don't care if I'm not in the mood or you're not in the mood, like today is the day that we need to do it. Because I tracked everything and the thing says that this is when it's supposed to be. So with Cairol's birthday party, oh, I'm so tired after the party, but I was like, stay there, I got this. So I literally did my thing and rolled over. I put the pillow under my hips and I'm like, ah, I'm good.

00:36:31
Speaker 1: He's just like, yeah, good, I'm gonna leave cool.

00:36:36
Speaker 2: Like under my pillow for like so I'm like, okay, good. So I'm like I'm sure that God in there. Good right? And then I found out now because now at this point, I'm like, okay, am I going to get pregnant? So I'm testing again now my urine for pregnancy. And I had just shot like a campaign or something for Toyota. So Janelle, my hair stylist, was at the house, so I took the stick to her and I was like, does that look do you see a little faint line there? And she's like we're like side, We're like the right, She's like this, she's putting on her glasses. I was like, she's like, I think I see something.

00:37:05
Speaker 1: Oh my god.

00:37:05
Speaker 2: So I said, shut up. I think it kind of worked. So I was like, I told her about the whole method and stuff, and I said I think this is my girl and she was like what. So we did the whole ovulation tester. I did find out a couple of days later, a solid pregnancy you know line because as you the days progressed the line of this dark.

00:37:22
Speaker 1: Dork okay, so yeah, I was like it looked like it.

00:37:26
Speaker 2: But by like day five, I definitely was pregnant. I told the val and he.

00:37:29
Speaker 1: Was like, yo, is this our girl?

00:37:31
Speaker 2: And I was like, I feel like it is, like I feel like it is if we did it the right way, it should be. So we were super excited about this pregnancy, but of course we didn't tell anyone. It was super early on and everything, so we just let it rock fast forward to October. Never forget the date. It was October eighteenth. There were day Yeah, I know, it's crazy. October eighteen. That's why she didn't forget the date that's October eighteen, did I had to go to film. I think it was filming Bigger down here in Atlanta. And a couple of days prior, there was a clip that went viral on social media from our podcast, and it was an episode we did about monogamy, and the clip that went viral was pretty much Deval feeling like I was giving him an ultimatum when it came time to get married, and there was the back and forth that we had in it. Of course, no one listens to the entire hour long episode. You take the thirty second or forty five second clip and run with it, so everyone's piling on them. They were literally like canceling me in Deval and we knew this couple was too good to be true. And Kadeen is this is that and the third and Deval is this is that and the third? And I was just like WHOA, Like I didn't expect for it to erupt the way that it did. So I'm again, Deval's not home. He went to film, so I'm just like in the comments, yeah right, and I'm just like damn, like I didn't think that people would really take it this way, like did people watch the whole episode or do they just really comment on this one clip?

00:39:07
Speaker 3: Right?

00:39:09
Speaker 2: And there are people who sided with de Val in that moment, there were people who sided with me. But either way, I was starting to get like lost in the comments.

00:39:15
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it's easy to do that, and it's.

00:39:17
Speaker 2: So easy to do that, you know, but it's also easy for you to tell yourself like I don't feel no kind of way about this this wait, yeah, like you're trying to brush it off, but then it's like deep down inside, it's still bothering you, right, I know what you mean. So I literally remember feeling when I was on the phone with de Val. He was like, you know, don't stay out in the comments. Stop, like don't worry about it, Like you know how new cycles are, is it seventy two hours? And then people will forget about it. You got three days of this, Like, but I remember reading things sometimes and then literally feeling like my stomach like just cramping, like you know, you get that like pitt in your stomach, like oh my god, Like what's happening? Like did we do the wrong thing? Like should we correct this? Do we have to make a statement like what happens when this all happens? Right?

00:39:57
Speaker 1: Yeah?

00:39:58
Speaker 2: And I remember starting to bleed, And with my three previous pregnancies, I never had any bleeding. It's like the minute I was pregnant, that was. I didn't see blood until the baby was born. But this particular time, I started to see spotting. So Deval was like, well, you know, it's still early on. Maybe you know it's going to be a fourth child. Things gonna be different in every pregnancy. He's like, this was probably the girl, so you know it's different. And he was in Atlanta. I was having more and more cramping, more and more bleeding, and it was coming like sharp cramping. So it felt very different than my previous pregnancies. So I didn't tell my mom I was pregnant yet, even she was staying with us some time. Didn't even tell her I was pregnant. And I said, he said, you know, what, do you want to go to the er and see if everything's okay? So said, you know, let me do that just for peace of mind. So I drove myself to the er and doctor checked everything. They said, viable pregnancy, heartbeat, everything, did a sonogram, they were like, maybe you just need to do a little better. Rest for a couple of days and just decompressed the bit. So I said, all right, I'll do that. So that was around noon. I went to the doctor or the er got back home around three and I was in bed. I had an integration to do for I had to make like pizza with the kids or something that I had to forget who the brand was, but I had to make pizza with them and film it and all that, and I just didn't have the strength. I just felt like I just was really out of it, and I will never forget. I'm laying in the bed and I felt like a really like a hard, like intense cram and I was like shit. So I got up and I went to the bathroom and I called it out on face time and I put him on the floor and I'm in front of the toilet and literally I pulled my underwear down and it was like waterfall.

00:41:48
Speaker 1: Oh my god.

00:41:50
Speaker 2: So at that point I was like, oh my god, I think I'm having a miscarriage. So he's on the phone like I couldn't believe what he was seeing. At that point, I just like sat on the toilet and I remember passing passing the baby, and you know, he's on the phone like what do you need? Like he's not there, right, I'm here. And then Cairo's knocking on the door and he's just like, mom are you gonna come make pizza with us? And I'm like a mess in the bathroom and I'm like, yeah, Buddie, I'm coming. Mommy's just using the bathroom really great, you know, and there's like blood everywhere, and so that was just like, Hey, I'm gonna come home. And I was like, you're not coming home because you just booked this role on this show and this is what we've been working for. You're not coming home. And I'm gonna stay here and I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna tell my mom what just happened and we're gonna be fine. So Kyro and Kazure at the door, and I'm like, guys, go downstairs with Jackson and just take everything out and mommy will be downstairs. Is so Deval's on the phone with me. Of course I'm a mess. I scrambled to clean everything up. I jump in the shower really quickly and went downstairs and made pizza. The kids kidding me, Yeah, went downstairs and made pizza with the kids and didn't even have time to process everything. But of course called DeValve back when everything was done, and he was also like a mess on the phone, and I was too, and I didn't have him, of course, where each other's like comfort. And I ended up telling my mom what happened, and of course she helped as best as she could, but then she had a flight to leave out the next morning to go to New York. So I was kind of just left to like pick up the pieces. So Deval said to me, just come here, Yeah, just come to Georgia. I have a hotel room. You guys can just stay with me. The kids were virtual learning anyway, and he said yeah, and he said, just book a flight in another day or two to come, and I said, okay, I'll figure something out. So at the time, we were house hunting and that night, well that evening, he had sent four big bouquets of roses. There were four red, three red, and one white, all on the doorstep that night, which was really sweet, nice little gesture that he sent. So the white was of course for the baby that we lost. And that night we were on Zillow, and he's like, let's just try to take our minds office for a little bit. Let's just look at some houses. So we're looking at houses, and that's actually came across the house we live in now when I was looking for the Zillo. But I said, baby, that's not in our budget. That price for you? How does how did this How did this house get through the filter? I said, because this price point wasn't word the filter. But God said okay, So so God said, yeah, I want you to see this house. So and we had looked at houses prior in July, but nothing really stuck. So I came down to Atlanta with the three boys. No, my mom took Kas to New York, so I came with Cairo and Jackson. And while I'm down there, of course, it was nice to just kind of lay with DeValve for a little bit and just kind of process everything and talk that through. And my realtor Arian happened to reach out and she's like, hey, girl, you know, just checking touching basis. I'm like, it's crazy that you hit me up because I'm actually in Atlanta, and she's just like, you want to go look at some houses and I'm just like, that's the last thing I want to do is to look at no houses and about like, oh you should go look like go and just like it out a little bit, take your mind off things. I'm like, you know what, all right? So I went to look at that house, and I'm like, something about this house is just like I don't know how it ended up in my search, but I need to go see it. I need to be in an environment to manifest whatever it is we want. Like I want to eventually have a house like this one day. So let me just go see what it feels.

00:45:51
Speaker 1: Like step foot on that ground.

00:45:54
Speaker 2: That's it. So I went to see the house, fell in love with it. I fell in love with the house. That's not in my budget, right. We had some tax things going on too. We're trying to square some things away. So our financial advisor said, I don't know if now it's the right time, guys, but God said, So Deval comes to look at the house. I'm in the house. Deval calls me. He's like, babe, guess what I rapped early? He wasn't supposed to wrap till the night time. It was at thirty. He said, I rapped I said, where are you in relation to this address? Right? Put it in? Put it in right now. You have to come see this sla, I said, I said, you just need to come stand in this space.

00:46:30
Speaker 3: Yeah.

00:46:31
Speaker 2: So he came, he looked at the house, he saw me. We eventually met in the backyard because he was walking through with the realtor and we locked eyes, and I mean we were both like, oh my god, like we need something like this, you know. And in that moment, I was just using it as an opportunity to say, okay, okay, okay, God, I see what's out there. I see how we have to work and how we have to move to get something like this. So the realtor who was selling the house, she left. We stayed back with realtor Arion. We were just chatting about, you know, things and real real estate stuff, and she forgot she locked her keys in her car. Oh no, she locked her keys in her car. So we called Triple A to come and get her keys out of her car. And we're just sitting in our car. In the meantime, we get a call from our financial advisor while we're in the car with Arian and we're like, oh, it's funny. You call because we looked at this house. We've just been in love with child. We can't afford it, Like, I don't know what we're gonna do. So Deval steps out of the car to talk to Sean, who's our financial advisor is also his godbrother, and Deval's walking through the driveway and he's like, and I see him doing like this. He's like, okay, you know yes. So Deval comes back and he's like, you never guess what just happened. I said what he said, we got preapproved for X amount of dollars. Wow, we can afford this house.

00:47:51
Speaker 1: Oh my god, as he's standing.

00:47:54
Speaker 2: On the driveway. So I say that to say after telling the story, yeah, you cannot. Sharing for me is I feel like it's a responsibility that I have because so many times sharing allows people to understand that they're not alone in certain circumstances. Because I know how lonely I felt over the years dealing with things that I thought was only me. I felt like I was the anomaly. God, Why am me? Why am I having to go through this? But by sharing, you say, wow, like I'm not the only one who's going through this. This is just a part of life, So having the courage to share and then having people then just be so negative and mean and just nasty, and then it affecting your life physically where you lose a baby in the process. And I didn't think about it at the time, but Deval was so resentful because it was like it was because of what happened on social media. I know that's why you lost that baby. You were in those comments. People were like doubling down, people were being mean, like I know how that affected you, and I didn't see it in that moment. So that really deterred me for a while from wanting to share. But it also made me understand how important it was to protect my peace, to understand that if I do here share something, it can be possibly misconstrued in some kind of way and you have to deal with that backlash. Or you could just completely tune all of the noise out and say, I'm not even going to the comments, I'm not even going to look. I'm going to take my break from my own mental health in this space, in this moment, because that's what I need because it's not going to happen to me again. So I implore people before you start to make the negative comments about whatever it is. People try to pin us against each other all the time because they want so badly for me and Crystal to hate each other for what. It's never gonna happen, Like it just the negativity that the breeding ground for negativity that social media has become, or that it is really can impact someone's real life.

00:50:02
Speaker 1: No, it really can if we allow it, If.

00:50:04
Speaker 2: We allow it to. That's that's the key part. Social media is not a real place, y'all. It's not. People have lives and have worlds outside of this. Your birthday passed in October eighteenth. Never forget your birthday. I was with you for your birthday on a school night, Okay, on a school night. We were out having a grand old time. I was with you and some of your closest girlfriends and we had a beautiful haibachi dinner at another friend of yours house she hosted for us, and we had a grand old time. My uncle passed on October fourth. I wasn't on social media like that. My uncle passed. He was somebody I was super close to. So I wasn't posting for nobody, no specifically, you know, we post social media, But but then people say Kadeen did not post Crystal for her birthday, so.

00:50:52
Speaker 1: Not as beef.

00:50:56
Speaker 2: She favor because she not posted for Christmas birthday. And I imagine if me and Crystal really was like hearing what y'all thought it was in the comments, and I could be like, damn Crystal, that feels a kind of way like this beef because I didn't post on social media. Meanwhile, me and her was hugged up having drinks to eat habachi on your actual birthday in real life, because we do real life shit over.

00:51:14
Speaker 1: Here, period, you know what I'm saying, And life real life.

00:51:18
Speaker 2: And life be real life, and our real life is so much better than social media. Devo says it all the time. You get a sixty second video from me, I forget the math because he's always like, that's this how many many minutes in a day. I'm not gonna do the math, do the math. But you get literally maybe one percent of my life. So when it feels like I share so much, am I really sharing that much?

00:51:41
Speaker 1: Right?

00:51:42
Speaker 2: Because the social media persona that you get, yes, it is authentic and it's organic to who I am and my family, and I think that's why we resonate with so many people.

00:51:52
Speaker 1: Yes, but don't.

00:51:52
Speaker 2: Get it twisted. Real life is a thousand times more better than that. Yeah, it's a thousand times and better. And that's the stuff that I protect, and that's the stuff that I don't share. And that's the stuff that I will not allow to be infultrated by negativity because we keep it positive in switty period, that's what we do. So I told that long story to say, you just never know how someone's real life can be impacted by just the negativity that's spewed. You think that one little comment, yeah, you think that one little comment is not going to go far. Maybe they take it and they're run with it. They will take it in they're run with it. So now I just have learned even more. When I need to take my breaks, I take my breaks because I all know the same thing too. I take my breaks because I feel like they're well deserved and they're needed. Because I want to be in real life showing up for my family as they need. I need to be showing up for myself as I need. There's a whole lot of responsibility. My father the other day was like, you have so many things in your brain I don't know how you do it because I'm doing school applications, I'm doing this one. That one's got a school trip, this one has that. I got work to do. There's so many things in my brain. Have time to entertain negativity. I will not allow it. Yeah, I won't allow it. I can't. I can't. I can't.

00:53:08
Speaker 1: So, Kadeen, with everything that you have going on, what do you do for your sanity? I know you love to travel, but what what does Kadeen do to text? To carve out some time? This is what this is my mean time. What are you doing to keep your mental health strong? To keep saying? Because it is a lot. You do have a million things going on, and I would love to know how you balance it all because I'm struggling over here and it's just me.

00:53:36
Speaker 2: You don't even got a dog, girl, I'm like a dog. Before you had like dog, they were like intransit they just.

00:53:44
Speaker 1: Like, Yeah, I was a vessel. Yes, it was a vessel to find them a home.

00:53:50
Speaker 2: I love that. I that you were the conduit. Yes it did not. Yes, yes, well traveling is huge for me. So yes, I do like to decompressed by a way, change of environment change of scenery is very big for me. Alone time is also very important meditating. You know, I'm working on my relationship with God, which is the thing that I hadn't done earlier on because I was also very confused about it. I grew up Seventh day Adventists and there were just so many like no's and like it was so rigid, and I didn't know how I could fit within the compound of God's love as a Seven day Adventist. So when I kind of said to myself, you know what, that's not the only way, then I said, Okay, I'm going to take my own walk in my own route. So I more recently have been finding my own way to learn more about my relationship with God. So that's bringing me a lot of peace and just a lot of downtime with my husband and my kids. Like sometimes I just need that because we have so many people who are in and out of the house. You know, we have the podcast crew that comes to the town, and though they're like family, that's still like pe people energy. It's just all.

00:55:00
Speaker 1: And their family and they know the way around, and still you still feel.

00:55:02
Speaker 2: Like absolutely you still has to be right exactly. So there's never really like in my downtime time to be not devous a social butterfly. He's always just like, come on mine, Like I'm going to bed, y'all. Like just literally, like two days ago, he told his cousin and his wife to come by with their daughter. I'm like, y'all, have a good time.

00:55:19
Speaker 1: I'm going down. You know, you'll take your time. I'm like that have with my family. They'll come and they know I will just disappear in my room. Y'all help yourselves. I love y'all.

00:55:28
Speaker 2: I said, I'm not being anti social baby, but I just like my four walls right now and I'm going to need that. So that and then this girlfriend's time like catching up. You know, there's certain people that I feel like I need to have in my orbit in order to stay sane because they either just get me or we're going through something similarly, or we can just decompress and have a good time, you know. And just other self care practices like a good massage every now and again, things like that super important to me. So yeah, those are a couple of things that I do to just stay to re energize the recharge station that I need every now and again.

00:56:03
Speaker 1: I love that. I love that. So you are you just embarked in the forties. Welcome, Thank you.

00:56:10
Speaker 2: I love it. You know how scary forty sounds.

00:56:14
Speaker 1: Girl. So you remember my birthday party? Yes, I didn't put how old I was turning on the invitation because I did not want anybody to know I was forty years old. I was like, oh my god. So like and you come to a realization like, oh my god, I'm like halfway through my life expectancy. There's so many more things that I want to accomplish, and I feel like, like you said earlier, you just scratching the surface. And I felt the same way, and I did not want people to know how old it was. And then Tyler gets up in the middle of that room thirty years.

00:56:44
Speaker 3: I was like, forty years what I told you how I was?

00:56:51
Speaker 1: I was well in that moment, I was like, I felt myself kind of coro, like, oh my god, I don't want people knowing how old I am because I just it may I felt old. And then the next day I woke up and I was like, Yo, this is a blessing girl. People do not make it this far. I've gained so much wisdom and just looking at my life and I'm waking up in a penthouse of the hotel, like you know, like, yes, this is my life. Yes, I was like, God, you are amazing. Yes, and I should not be ashamed or embarrassed of how old I am.

00:57:20
Speaker 2: Absolutely.

00:57:20
Speaker 1: But what I want to ask you is did you have any type of insecurity about turning forty?

00:57:25
Speaker 2: You know I didn't. I have more of an insecurity about thirty for some reason. I don't know what I like more than I did too. Yeah, I have more than because I'm like, wait, thirty, like now I'm kind to be responsible. But then I think about forty.

00:57:39
Speaker 1: Right.

00:57:40
Speaker 2: The way I can equate it is like you're on a roller coaster.

00:57:43
Speaker 1: It's like.

00:57:45
Speaker 2: And then you're like you're at that hump right there, and then forty is like the beginning of the dance, like, don't hands up, child, because I'm going to enjoy the ride.

00:57:54
Speaker 1: Yes, but I love who I am at forty. Oh my gosh, who.

00:58:00
Speaker 2: I am at forty? I am that much more focused. I'm that much more deliberate with my interactions. I'm that much more intentional about where I'm investing my time and my energy there's an unapologetic way. Yeah that comes with forty. It is, and I don't know what it is. I think I think what made us scare two is also thinking about like our prior generations. When you think of forty, you thought that they just looked older or carried themselves older. But baby, listen, if this is forty and for my girls who are like in their twenties and thirties and watching like, it gets so much better. It really does, because you're so sure of who you are and what you want. And I'm thinking about some women who are super successful and haven't started to even really build their resume till they're in their forty fifties. Yes, because there's so much life after that.

00:58:52
Speaker 1: It's so much life after, there's so much.

00:58:55
Speaker 2: So, Yeah, I'm excited for the forties. I'm actually happy to be here. I didn't I thought I was going to be a little bit more like, oh my god, I cant believe I'm forty, but feeling like I'm in the best shape of my life in the gym.

00:59:06
Speaker 1: Hey look good you show for New York Fast and Weeks Act.

00:59:11
Speaker 2: That was a challenge, baby, Thank you, thank you, thanks so good. That was like a personal thing for me to say, can I do it? Because with Jackson and I was in my twenties, I got back after him, Kyro and Kaz came back to back, so it took me a little longer to get back after them. And then with Coda, I was like, yeah, I'm pushing eight. I'm like, is this really gonna you know? And it took a little bit longer for me, but I think I was that much more committed. I also have been making a conscious effort to be aware of what I'm putting in my body. And after seeing a holistic doctor and getting a blood work panel done, she told me about so many things that I ingest on a day to day basis, like regularly that caused inflammation, but not like in the hives form, which I told you I just got hives like last night, like randomly. But Denor made a good point. Maybe it's because something in the food of the Bowling Alley was something I'm allergic to that I haven't been having, and then I ate it and then that was the reaction. Right, But there's so many things that we're consuming on a day to day basis that it's not going to necessarily show up as hives per se, but internally it's clogging you know, your digestive track. It's just causing joint issues inflammation. Like I was going to the chiropractor often, and once I change my diet, lower back pain went away. My gut health is so much better. I don't have the bloating that I normally had. Like there are just so many things that have changed for me once I took control of my health and wellness. And it's want to feel good about myself and put on a dress and I feel like, oh, I have to like camouflage things like that. So yeah, I've been trying to hit the gym hard. Thank you get this heart pumping. So I can live long for these boys, God willing and my husband, so we can really enjoy and when we're in our seventies, be healthy enough to be able to enjoy, you know, what's left of life. So I just look forward to that.

01:01:00
Speaker 1: So I want to know you have dreams and things that you want to do. You have centered your life and your world around your husband, your boys, and the things that you guys have done together. What does Kadeen want to do? What are your dreams? What are your aspirations because I know personally I want you to share and say it out loud, because there is power in the tongue, there is power speaking it, and I want those things that happen for you. So what are some of yous?

01:01:25
Speaker 2: And I appreciate that, thank you for giving me the space and platform to do this. I did say early on that like one of my main goals was to be a wife and mom, and I think that I know that I do that well very well, Yeah, very well. So having accomplished that. It's funny when you have children, you always hear about women saying I lost myself, I lost myself and the kids, or I lost myself in this marriage. And for me, I used to subscribe to that. But for me, I kind of want to change the narrative around that because I feel like saying you lost yourself is looking at it from a negative standpoint. But for me, with each child, there was a rebirth of Kadeen and I feel like my children empowered and they were a catalyst for igniting this flame in me. Yeah, where I feel like I'm unstoppable now. So while I'm not having any more children, but I can now grow with my children and my husband, Kadeen. Forty year old Kadeen is looking forward to getting back into my career side of things. Like you said, I went to school for broadcasting, graduated, you know, from my master's in communication and speech and performance. So I want to get back in front of the camera. I want to be an actress. I want to be a TV host. I want to have my own daytime talk show. For me, the opportunities and their endless are they really are end this, But now I can focus on actually putting the work in. I don't have to feel like, Okay, well I'm going to get this far ahead and then may have to stop for a year or two, you know, to be at home and then get back and then get back into it again. It's like a double dutch rope and get in and out and he's like yeah, and then somebody double handed, so you can't quite get in and jump right, you know. So for me, it's like it's no more double dutch. I'm in the rope and I'm going I'm catching a rhythm, and I'm catching a rhythm. So I'm working on that, you know, maybe a product line or two. They're just a couple of things that really are just speaking to me. But like I said before, in my forties, now I'm more deliberate and more intentional and more sure of where I want to go exactly. And I feel that God has not denied me those opportunities. He's just deferred them unto a time where I can better be able to receive it. Yes, because he can get He could have given me some of these opportunities a long time ago. There were things that I have turned down, that Devow has turned down, that we've turned down as a collective because it didn't align with what we were doing in that moment, what we wanted out of the opportunity. It may not have aligned with our morals. There were so many things that we've passed up on. But really and truly, I just believe that God was giving me these experiences and building up the wisdom within so that when these opportunities resurface, They're going to be that much bigger, that much better, and I'm going to be that much more prepared for it.

01:04:28
Speaker 1: And you will know a delay is not a denial, and you will be more prepared for it. I'm a true testimony, I'm a living testimony of that that a delay is not a denial. And the nose or the what you feel like is not yet, not yet, not yet, not yet. When the time does come and God says now, it is far much bigger than you could ever imagine me.

01:04:52
Speaker 2: I know that for a fact, and you're so right about that, Crystal, and I receive that because sometimes you have to hear it again. And in the meantime, just practice and be ready, be prepared. You need to prepare for when your opportunity presents itself and be ready, you know, because when God says yes and says now, if you're not ready and doing your part, even baby, and that's on you, it is, that's on you. Like I was shown you the way, you know, and I opened this door, don't let a slam in your face. So I'm just working now on just preparing myself physically mentally, also having those talks with him to just say, you know, well, what is it that you want me to do? What am I here for?

01:05:34
Speaker 1: What is my purpose?

01:05:35
Speaker 2: And a lot of times I questioned what my purpose is, but I do truly feel now I can see that I'm walking in my purpose, you know, with our podcast, with our live shows, with our social media presence. So many people have said to me when I get to like hug and squeeze those people in real life meet and greets, or if I'm run into somebody at Target or the supermarket. I've had so many people say, could he you and Devo or you, you know, as a woman, have just changed my perspective on self, or you have saved my marriage, or you encouraged my husband to just open up more, or you know, Devou encourage me to approach my husband this way and it saved my marriage. You can't tell me we're not out here doing God's work. Come on now, because it doesn't look the same for everybody.

01:06:19
Speaker 1: Does not, that's real.

01:06:20
Speaker 2: It doesn't look the same for everybody. So I've embraced that, and that's why I won't shy away from social media completely just yet, because I feel like there's still work, more work to be done, and I'm gonna keep it positive sweet as long as y'all keep it positive period, and if you don't period.

01:06:40
Speaker 1: I love that I actually watch your This is my second live show, that our third live show that I've seen you guys, yes, and it was absolutely incredible. And I'm doing my first Live show.

01:06:52
Speaker 2: So excited for you. I mean, I knew it was coming. It was going to be a natural success, and we've encouraged you to do it from the podcast to the life show. Is so such a good time. I'm so mad's going to be out day. It's the thou was fortieth. So you take my baby Bay out because it's past four or five birthdays.

01:07:11
Speaker 1: He's been working. Absolutely Yea put.

01:07:13
Speaker 2: A hard block on those dates. I'm like, listen, we gotta we gotta get it. But I can't wait if you drop a second date though, I'm just throwing that out. They're selfishly. March twenty ninth is a cute day. I mean, you sold out the thirtieth like a day. It's giving give us an extra day, it's giving it OnCore, it's giving OnCore. Perform it right. But I'm excited for you, Crystal. Seriously, I'm super proud of what you've been able to do just with keep it. I mean, we've spoken about your story just for being stylists, being a recording artistes just so many years of doing different things and now you're like walking in your purpose and you're living your dream and you're touching so many people, and I've been watching the episodes and those are the comments that I read. How people just rally around you and just love you because it's like what's not to love. And I think that's why it was so easy for us to hit it off too. It's just like two women's women just like are positive and want to see the best, and we'll encourage each other and we share. We don't get keep there's no competition. It's just like it's so refreshing to meet someone like you. And I'm so glad that God placed you in our life the way he did. Dakota's godmother too. Everyone knows that, and we're very selective about our babies and who's going to be their godparents. And just the camaraderie that you built with Deval and even just building out the show and then your podcast need a positive Sweetie baby, like it just makes so much sense for you. And I'm just so.

01:08:36
Speaker 1: Happy, Thank you. I appreciate that.

01:08:39
Speaker 2: I can't wait to see like the roller coaster. We hands up it me and you were in the front seat of the roller coaster, hands up okay, and we're going down, going it's going down.

01:08:50
Speaker 1: If there's any advice you could give me because this is my first show. Yes, I am. I have moments where I wake up because I've put a lot on my plate.

01:08:58
Speaker 2: Yeah, like what else this show, it's putting a whole lot on our plate. Okay, A dance routine, like, oh my gosh, me dance like I was a professional dancer, like competitive, I should say, up until I was about eighteen nineteen when I met de Valuchel. I was just like, dance what I would be with this dude over here? Right? But I'm a dancing but he Yeah, but just to use that side of my brain again, I really had to be like, oh my god, like choreography and doing a split and stretching, like I really had to push myself there. So in terms of you, an advice for your live show, continue to show up as your true and authentic self. That's who people want to see. Yeah, that's who people want to see. And you're a performer as well, Like I am, Like I feel like I come alive on stage. I love to feel the energy of the crowd. I love just see the faces of the people who just love and support my family. So it's the same for you, like everyone there, and it's funny because you called me before our Dallas show. Yes, you facetimed me, and you were just like, Sis, what's up, just touching base, like how are you feeling about the show and everything? And my girl, I got a dance like I'm nervous and you I'm going to actually give you the advice you gave me because it literally made me feel so much better. You have no idea, and I said it about Crystal just told me this and I was like, oh my god, that makes so much sense. It was like, I think I told you that before. It sounded better coming for Christmas. I'm sorry, Okay, sounds better for somebody else. But you literally said to me, everyone who bought a ticket and will be in that building is there because they love and support you and everything that you've been doing. They're there for a reason. And I was like, you're absolutely right, Like, there's not a bunch of Heckler's there, I'm not going out to do a talent showing to see what you know, who's going to give me a ten? Even though it was a tet it because maybe we've been on tour and Beyonce last year, that's how inspired. Okay, we want you were in Sweden and all sorts of places. So no, but literally you you made me feel so much better because I'm just like, I'm just going to have a good time with people who want to come and just be in my space and my company, and I get to love on them and they get to love on me. And it's just that reciprocity that you feel when you're in that environment. So just tap into that because it's going to flow. It is going to flow, and you were going to be just fine.

01:11:21
Speaker 1: Thank you.

01:11:21
Speaker 2: Just you know, Divin I will belsing whistles first of all when you pick it next day, because sult me first. I can make sure you count may because you know my hYP of flight anytime I can, yes, for sure, sure, for sure.

01:11:32
Speaker 1: I appreciate that. Okay, So now we are to my favorite part of the show. It's okay positive outcomes, Okay, where our listeners right in and we give them advice on whatever they're dealing with.

01:11:45
Speaker 2: I love to let us.

01:11:48
Speaker 1: So this one says. I'm thirty three with five kids and have been married for twelve years. My last three pregnancies were higher risk. I've allowed my spouse to control my bird control and continually put my life at risk with these pregnancies. My husband has been cheating off and on since twenty seventeen, and with the high risk pregnancies, I've been stuck with him all these years that I've been wanting to get out of this marriage. Our children are eleven, nine, four, two, and six months. I can't even work full time, and my small children are not able to attend daycare just yet. I have a part time job to support myself my children. Because of the amount of children I have, I can't afford housing, so that causes me to be stuck with him. He's very controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive, and I'm afraid of him. Do you have any words of encouragement to help me build the curge to get out of this relationship?

01:12:39
Speaker 2: Wow, that was a mouthful.

01:12:41
Speaker 1: That was a lot. I feel for her.

01:12:43
Speaker 2: Thirty three and has been married.

01:12:45
Speaker 1: For twelve years kids. Yeah, so that's.

01:12:48
Speaker 2: Nineteen that she got married or it's been with him, yeah, and then within that five I mean, because that's so many layers to it. So you're in an abusive relationship very much, and then you have five children who are also exposed to this abuse. I wonder if she has a village, like anyone to lean on, because it's hard. Like I'm thinking about how difficult that must be to be in an environment where you're not supported someone who's controlling and manipulating birth control methods.

01:13:14
Speaker 1: That is crazy, And I mean it seems like it's been happening from a young If you've been with him since nineteen, this is someone that has had time to manipulate you.

01:13:22
Speaker 2: Oh for sure, and he knows exactly what he's doing. I want to ask her, like, does she have a village of people or anyone that she can lean on for support to just kind of help her get her footing. And I want to encourage her and just let her know that everything is seasonal. Everything is seasonal. I don't think that this is going to be the rest of her life. It doesn't have to be the rest of her life, but it's particularly hard when you have that many children and then work and then finances and stuff like that. So I would encourage her to kind of seek, you know, any kind of refuge that she can or kind of support and advice from people around her who may be able to help her find a way out, because that's a particularly difficult situation.

01:13:59
Speaker 1: To Yeah, it's very difficult, but definitely you need to get out of this. Wow, yeah, for sure, because this is this isn't good. Oh my goodness. Yeah. I echo everything you just said for sure, and I pray that you seek the help that you need, that you definitely get around the right people. One thing that I was taught we just were talking about in church yesterday was letting go of like friend groups that don't serve you, you know, and especially the walk that you're trying to be on. So if you're around people who their man are doing the same thing you're not, you're less apt to like get out of that situation. But if you're around people who know their worth and like, hey girl, you deserve better, then you're like, wait a minute, I do deserve it, and you're more apt to get out of that for sure.

01:14:45
Speaker 2: Around people who can speak life and positivity into you, for sure. And also birth control is very personal, Like that's insane that he can control her birth control in a way, like there has to be a way for her to personally make that decision between her and her health care provider to get on something that can protect her, especially if he's not going to be the one to protect her. For example, like the valid I was on the IUD for a long time and then that was messing with me hormonally and just my whole body was thrown off. So he in turn had the bessectomy to protect us from future pregnancies because we knew we were done with children. But he doesn't even seem like he would have the capacity to even have that conversation with her about what's going to be the best interest of her help. So yeah, I'll pray for her as well too, that she can find the strength to get past this and hopefully she can find some support through family.

01:15:35
Speaker 1: For sure. The next thing we do is what I'm going through and what I'm growing through, And right now I would say I am going through an evolution period, another season of uncertainty. Really, you know, I'm saying knowing that it's something more than I want to do and achieve, but also trying to be patient and not jump the Gunyah.

01:16:07
Speaker 2: Mine is kind of similar when you said to you, I was gonna say, I'm going through a season of discomfort, but I'm also growing through the discomfort. That's good because I feel like you need to be in an uncomfortable space in order to evoke change. And I know that on the other side of this discomfort is just me figuring out what's next. And once I know that, then I can move with a sense of certainty. But I also to know that this level of discomfort that I'm feeling too is also God's way of just kind of pushing me into a direction that He's preparing me for something, and I embrace it. Where most people would try to run away from the discomfort, I'm trying to embrace it, as scary as it is sometimes, but just knowing and having faith that it's going to work out as it. Yeah, and my grandmother always says nothing beats the right time, so oh that's good. Nothing beats the right time, so and it's always got time, That's what she used to tell me. So I am looking forward to the other side of this discomfort and the beauty that will bloom from it some one springtime, like you know that like weird like winter fields, like downtrodden and cold and dark, but then it's like the light and the blooming and the spring, and I feel like I'm in line with the seasons right now, Like it's I'm on the cusp of something, oh absolutely, and I'm just embracing it.

01:17:34
Speaker 1: I love it. I love it, and then we like to do what it's called keep it blank, sweete. Okay, So for this episode, I would say I have one go ahead, give me yours.

01:17:51
Speaker 2: I think the overarching takeaway for me with everything that we spoke about, and this is actually my word for twenty twenty four. I always have like a word happening year. Keep it deliberate, sweetie. And I say keep it deliberate, because if you are intentional and deliberate with where you're putting your time, your energy, your space, your spirit, your heart, you will be very focused on what you need and what you can be to others. So keep it deliberate. It's my thing.

01:18:21
Speaker 1: I love it, and I will say keep it authentic, sweetye. Something you told me just be myself, and I would implore you all to do the same. So keep it authentic, sweetye. Thank you so much. Love. We're stuck in.

01:18:41
Speaker 2: I love you girls. You're great. This is such a good time, so good. I feel you're talking about so many things.

01:18:49
Speaker 1: For sure.

01:18:49
Speaker 2: We haven't even scratched services like other stuff.

01:18:55
Speaker 1: You know. Let us know I'll come.

01:18:57
Speaker 2: Yes.

01:18:58
Speaker 1: Thank you guys so much, so much for tuning into this episode of Keep It Positive. Sweetie. If you want to write into our open listener letter, you can write it to Keep It Positive Sweetie at gmail dot com and that's Sweetie with an Ie. You can follow me on all platforms at Love chrysal Orinee. That's Luv, on Instagram, Twitter, or x and TikTok. Canadeen you tell the people where they can find you.

01:19:19
Speaker 2: You can find me at on Instagram at Kadeen I Am. Oh my goodness, I'm on Instagram at Kadeen I Am. I'm also given TikTok a try y'all, so yeah, I'm over there too, Kadeen I Am. And then of course our podcast My Husband and I Dead Ass was Kadeen in Devell and you can find our Instagram page dead Ass the podcast as well, and our New York Times bestselling book Yes We of Me, It's on my nice same We over meet Baby. The counter Intuitive Approach to getting everything you want out of your relationship. Go ahead and grab your copy today and tell a friend please get it, get it, get it. Guys.

01:19:51
Speaker 1: Thank you guys so much for tuning in. Please have an amazing week. In the meantime and in between times you know what to do. Keep it positive, sweetie period.

01:19:59
Speaker 4: Guys, thank you so much, Heavenly Father for this moment. Father God, thank you for getting everyone here safely.

01:20:16
Speaker 2: Lord.

01:20:16
Speaker 4: We asked that you bless this time together, Father God, that for those that are watching and listening to this podcast, Father God, that you will open their hearts and their ears to receive what you want them to receive. Bless Kadeen and christ as they have open and vulnerable conversation, Father God, and let this space just continue to.

01:20:30
Speaker 1: Feel safe for everyone to speak and share.

01:20:33
Speaker 4: Lord, we love you, we honor you, and we bring you all the glory, honor, and praise and your name.

01:20:37
Speaker 1: We pray.

01:20:37
Speaker 2: Amen. Amen, Amen,