12 Steps of Christmas - Act 1

The first thing that we all do together is we
say table read, and then we say the the title
of the script that we're doing.
So all in unison, give me a table read. Twelve
Steps of Christmas, Ready go Steps of Christmas that you're
the first cast that has done it with energy Christmas.
Twelve Steps of Christmas written by Bryan Allen Act one
cell phone advertisement. Selfies flash on the screen. Young stylish,
always surrounded by friends and having a time so great
they need to share it with the world. The new
me Phone thirteen GD with Mondo, FriendFinder and pass Perfect
is your new best friend to stay connected with your friends.
Hero shots of the phone confirm its social importance. We
launch into testimonials California beach Day through the phone cam,
Neo hipster girl snaps a selfie pass perfect. It's the
only way to be your story. The image boom a
filter turns into what appears to be literally a totally
different person nearby the image dump boy took a selfie Boom.
The filter turns them into what is for sure a different,
radically better person.
Do you think that again?
As a dumpy boy, I.
Kind of like.
Doing nearby the image dumpy boy took a selfie boom.
The filter turns them into what is for sure, a different,
radically better person Mondo FriendFinder. I swear the number of
new friends you get just keeps growing and grow it.
His self image joins others to form a pyramid on
the screen. This is looking and sounding like the pyramid scheme.
It is the more kids that want to be my friend,
I get all their freads too, and then their breads,
and then their friends. It just keeps cod breads.
Some selfie images aren't included and drift alone pitifully.
I can't imagine having a self image outside of the
friendship pyramid.
Zoom in on a stray selfies not part of pyramid.
These lost souls seem so sad and alone. Pull out
and see the ad is playing on interior red apartment
kitchen morning a laptop in front of an odd Jake
read thirteen Mixed Race Tough. One of these lost souls,
it seems Jake ignores a hot breakfast while his mom,
Ashley thirty four nursing scrubs rushes around their low rent
row house apartment.
You know, if you promise, I'm getting a new GD
thirteen with Mondo Framfinder in past perfect. That could be
my topic for class. A solid presentation is just a
shot in the arm.
Migrades need. Ashley searches bear cupboards on the counter, open
delivery boxes with products to improve home Christmas decorations, sheets, handles,
and every cleaning product that exists.
Did you eat all the soup? That's my lunch?
I left the ones in the back the dollar store,
three for ones. She reads the label on one and
almost pukes.
All I know is that every other Christmas I got
my one big present.
You sure about that? What do you mean you done
with breakfast? Let's go grab your stuff.
Jake gathers as things, including headphones. You cat me these year?
You think I bought beats?
Sorry, dre, you've gone to knockoff interestingly sold to me
by a lady from Papua New Guinea downtown.
The lady with the rug.
Yep, the lady with the rug. Hurry up, We're already late.
I gotta get back.
Jake ignores her, stops to pull his bike off a
big pile of clutter under the stairs.
What about my bike?
Your cousin, Jane pink until we spray painted at Christmas Eve?
Oh way? Ashley has the door open, but Jake dives
back into the mess.
I can't tell you how much I love dragging you
to school on my break.
Jake holds up a large Legos box. What about my Legos?
You mean logos Yugoslavian? You never noticed? The blocks only
come in those drab browns and greens. The only color
was in the propaganda posters.
Close on the box shows a Legos like set of
communist era concrete factory with propaganda. The posters above the workers.
Uncle of Tito's self managed meta laggy factors. I guess
the pieces never did really fit together.
Ashley feudally gestures out the door as Jake digs deeper.
Technically, they even call this my meal brake, because nothing
warms the palette for discount soup like patients oozing from
all sorts of surprising places for eight hours.
Still, I'd like a chance to eat who gross? Ashley smiles.
With a plan, she starts sneaking up on Jake.
Yeah, I didn't even have time to change scrubs.
Jake doesn't notice her. He's focused on the unholy tickle
me Elmo knock off.
He holds.
I always knew something was off with Zelmo.
Jake squeezes the deranged plush doll to prove his point. Hey, shit,
stop with the tickling.
What tickle me? Zelmo is totally real?
Jake jumps back surprise.
Oh what the hell?
What?
I just want to hug.
Jake uses Zelmo to shield Ashley and her nesty scrubs.
This one on my shoulder. Do you know what a
perforated bowl is?
Oh?
Oh? And this year know what this one is? We don't.
Oh I can tell you is that a lot of
it was coming from poor missy out.
What do you think? Ill? Stop? Okay, I'll go. Ashley lunges.
Jake tosses Zelmo at her and uses the chance to
escape out the door. He gives Zelmo a final squeeze
close on. Zelmo shakes with pained laughter and coughing fit
joy to the world. Your guy is born buzzled off,
and I'll go tickle yourself, your pervert. Exterior red apartment day,
This small New England city is covered with snow. Jake
uses his forum to brush off the windshield of their
Ford Fiesta hatchback while Ashley works.
The ice scraper.
What's all the black?
We see?
Jake is dressed in entirely in black. There's a big
basketball game. We're all supposed to wear the same color.
It's a school pride.
Then next door neighbors Mary and Chris cal in Unison.
Hey neighbors merry Christmas.
With their three daughters. They are the perfect Protestant family.
In front of a Nativity scene, they wear matching food
Drive shirts and load donation bins into their suv gearing up.
For the food drive.
The pep rally is always huge, even if each kid
only remembers one can.
That's nine hundred from Jake's school alone. Ashley gives Jake
an ugly look for not mentioning any of this, right.
Yeah, of course, well it's not much, but I'll pop
your charity cherry. What does that mean?
You got cherries? I love cherries. Ashley can't believe what
she said. Daughter number two grabs the can.
It's not cherries at soup South Delaware pork chowder, yuck.
Ashley smiles awkwardly at Mary. Jake laughs to himself. Interior
Ford Fiesta hashback day. You can see their breath as
they get in. Just pork.
That's a little vague kind of pork. Do you think.
Delaware pork and none of that in North Delaware bullshit either.
Interior Ford Fiesta hatchback. Moving later, Ashley drives silently until
seemingly out of nowhere.
I wish you mentioned the food drive. I look like
a horrible mother in person.
I forgot.
You know, they actually built that thing in their yard,
like with wood and paint and everything.
How do you compete with that?
What are you talking about?
The neighbors the you know, like when Jesus was born?
I forget the name.
The Jesus farm thing?
Wow, Mom, like organically grown Jesus little heads of Christ cabbage.
Pretty sure you mean the manger.
Don't we just call those barns now? Or is it
something different?
Point?
Is they made it? We need a Jesus somewhere for
my mom to see.
You're way too stressed out about Grandma coming over. She's
not gonna notice stuff like that.
Trust me.
Ever since I was little, my mother's been very good
at noticing things.
Shall I add it to the list, then?
Sure?
Order one Baby Jesus Christ, our Farm, Fresh Lord and Savior.
Jake reads down the rest of the list.
This is a lot of fancy crap you're buying nebulizing
diffuser with bluetooth whatever a demi task. Spoons are okay,
altra plush toilet paper with Allo inviting and e really
tp vitamins.
Ashley turns into the school parking circle and begins battling
for position.
Why don't we do had Grandma's like always?
Ashley is hurt, becomes defensive.
I think it can be just as good at our house,
don't you?
Jake nods, feigning confidence. Exterior spirot agnew middle school day.
Ashley slams on the brakes inches short of hitting Ryan
the Rhino, the high energy baby blue school mascot. The
hell is that Ryan continues dancing as if nothing happened.
That's Ryan the Rhino. It used to be the Redskins,
but we had to change it. They wanted the new
one to be an endangered species, and so Ryan the
white Rhino.
But he's a blue rhino.
Turns out him being white was also oppressive, but in
light the opposite way.
Oh why is a rhino dancing around to a song
about dogs? Isn't that speciesist?
On game days he comes around to every class. You
have no idea. How pumped up people gets me want
to puuch.
Ashley looks at students socializing outside the two story brick school.
They all wear the school color, baby blue.
Everyone's in blue, a school pride thing.
What lack of school pride is? A former school pride?
Interior spirot Agnew Middle School classroom day. Jake sits in
the back, wearing black and a sea of pastel. School spirit.
Presentations are underway on the whiteboard. What are you celebrating
this holiday season? Sophia thirteen, two Peppe Presents.
I'm celebrating spiro ta Agnew Middle School, where I get
to spend all day with all of my.
Friends, her friends in class Beam.
I'm celebrating today's PEP rally for Ryan, our beloved Rhino,
and for our basketball team.
A few jersey wearing basketball players Beam. And I'm especially
celebrating life management.
Skills with mister Bucket, because you help us manager school
and life and stuff.
Mister Bucket, forty red faced bucket like beans. Jake plays
the game Snake and of his old Nokia under his desk.
Chad basketball player, a Dick, and Mia Cute also a dick,
are laughing at Jake. To them, it looks like he's
jerking off. I swear. Look, he's jerking off.
Do you think that he can waves.
For that?
I was trying to clear.
I swear, Look, he's jerking off. Do you think that
he can even watch porn on that thing? Porn on you?
Porn?
Yeah, you call me? I am fatty?
Now can you please back again? That's the angle that
got me going.
They have zero idea how to respond. You're so freaking gross.
Mister Bucket notices the disturbance. They're a problem back there.
Yes, these two aren't being very sex positive. For one,
I'm feeling very shamed.
Then why don't you come up front where you'll be safe?
Jake reluctantly heads to the front. Okay, Jake, you're always
so good at telling us what you don't like. Can
you think of one thing you do well?
Sophia pretty much covered it right. It's all worth so
much appreciation.
Yay, YALLIVI. Jake doesn't know what to say. He's vulnerable
and exposed. Suddenly a song Suddenly, who let the Dogs Out?
Announces Ryan as he Jock jam dances into the classroom.
You gotta be effing kidding more.
Jake tries to use the moment to flee, but Ryan
molests him with a pumped up man Scott dance. Come on, Jake,
where's your spirit? Kids laugh as Ryan playfully charges Jake
with his horn, Jake decides to engage.
Okay, personally, I want to celebrate Ryan the Rhino here
because unlike our basketball team, he isn't too white to be.
Great, Jake. Jake knocks Ryan back with a hard elbow
to the chest.
I want to celebrate spending all day with all of you,
my friends, especially Nia. You think I'm gross. You're so
freaking gross that when you masturbate it's non consensual.
No more dancing. The mood has changed.
And I for sure want to celebrate life management skills
with mister bucket. To your credit, you do get us
a study, because holy fuck ending up like he was
scarce to shut out of us.
Ryan shoves Jake and turns off the jew the boombox.
Ol.
Ryan shoves Jake and turns off the boombox. It could
end here, but when Jake looks around, he doesn't see
one kind face. They all record with their nice cell phones,
so Jake snaps and rushes Ryan. Rhinoceros are surprisingly agile
fighters with thick protective skin. Jake is caught by its
mighty horn, but then he lands an uppercut under the
mask and that ends it. Ryan falls back, the mascot
head falling off as he hits the floor, revealing Erica
Cross fourteen stout a girl. By the time Jake has
processed that he just hit a girl, Chad is already
helping her up. Jake can't believe what he did. Interior
Principal McGriff's office day, Jake sits across the large desk
of Principal McGriff thirties.
You have an attitude problem.
I see it in kids every day, but they don't
follow through things like you do.
That sounds like a positive thing, though I have follow through.
H You're one of the smartest kids in your class,
but you fight, you swear, you don't seem to care
about anything at all.
Jake likes that list. He seemed to be.
At war with everything and everybody all the time.
Isn't that exhausting? This one hits Jake, but he plays tough.
No, I don't care, No, I don't care.
We've already tried suspending you. Maybe it's time to look
at changing your environment.
Like expelled no way. My mom would freak Jake anxiously
watches Principal McGriff decide his verdict.
For now, we'll say you're suspended until break.
That's a couple of days to cool off. I can
be good, I swear.
I'm not sure you can.
Jake takes this in.
Get control of yourself. Any more of this and we'll
have to look at more extreme measures. This is your
final warning.
Principal McGriff picks up the phone and dials interior redepartment
living room day. Ashley storms in with Jake, following It's
not fair. Kids made fun of me and clam up.
They react to your reactions. You react to that. You
have the mentality of a.
Little I'm just supposed to take it.
Life has bullies, Jake and disappointments, god knows.
Get used to it.
Jake feels guilty by.
The way leaving work to pick you up from suspension
does not help you get some super expensive phone that's
not looking great right now.
Jake is selfishly alarmed, and he begins to play an angle.
I'm sorry, honest, I'm sorry, Mom, Ashley needed this, not
sensing Jake's intent, You really think I can pull this off.
Jake walks over, seeing behind her that the place is
a wreck.
Don't worry, We'll get everything super nice. I can help out.
We can totally show this place off. But why don't
we give ourselves a bit more time, something more realistic
like Easter or even just New Year's We can start
a whole new tradition.
What oh, I get it, as long as nothing messes
with Christmas at Grandma's or you're one big present right.
Jake is caught and they both know it.
Unbelievable, Jake, if we can't even have each other's back.
But who cares where we have it?
Ashley does very much.
Not for nothing, now that it's just you and me here,
I thought we could host for once.
Jake walks over to the boxes of stuff.
Ashley ordered, why I spend so much money on this
fancy stuff? Plus then being all bity with me, like
any of this is my fault?
Doesn't know how to respond. She checks the time.
Now it's supposed to be a bad mother because I
need to get back to work. Maybe this is all
my faults. I'm not around enough or patient enough or
something crazy. Bullshit like this doesn't happen with other moms
only me. Man, I know I never had fights like
this with my mother.
Exactly.
You're doing all this stuff to make our place as
good as Grandma's.
Why pretend this hits Ashley hard? It's perfect there. Ashley
is at a loss, then is struck by something.
Christ feels like I'm fighting with your father. At least
the court could force him to change with AA, I
don't know what to.
Do with you at this rate, You're never getting a
fancy smartphone.
Ashley walks away, and moments later, Adore slams an old
ceramic Santa statue, falls off the mantle and breaks Santa's
rosy cheek smile that shattered into pieces. Jake bolts exterior
Red Apartment Day. Jake flies out the door and takes
off Exterior town Streets Day, running down a street lined
with rowhouses, cutting across front yards and baseball fields until
a red light stops him at a crosswalk with other pedestrians.
He can't stand waiting. He tries to clear brown slush,
but falls short and splashes everywhere. No time to apologize,
he dodges traffic, continues his sprint Exterior town Square Day.
The whole town is beautifully decked out for Christmas. Lights
hang on small trees, Christmas music plays in the air,
Shoppers and cars create the usual holiday hustle and bustle.
Jake cuts in and out of the excitement until exterior
Mall Day. He finally arrives at his destination, the mall
interior mall line for Santa Day. Underneath a fronty costume,
Carl thirty eight puts the fun in functional alcoholic keeps
over excited kids under control. You can tell Carl loves Christmas,
but all that good cheers snaps sour when he sees
a disturbance in line. In line, two bullies kids too
cool for Santa cut in front of excited younger kids
full of Christmas spear hunter, Hey, no cuts. They turn
and tower over the terrified protester. What did you say? I?
Oh my, I just a voice from behind? Hey, you
tiny townies. Carl is one righteously pissed elf. As the
bullies turn, Karl digs into his pocket and pulls out
a soiled bar napkin.
See this, you know what this is? This is the
Naughty List? Do you know what happens when you do
bad shit? Bad shit equals bad results. That's not real.
It's all dirty.
Of course it's dirty. It's the Naughty List for Christ's sake.
Logic checks out, can't deny it. Carl checks the list,
and you ain't getting shit, loser. You're not Santa. You
heard Elf? You don't know. Yeah, I'm a fucking elf,
the head Elf. I report directly to Santa.
I handle everything from his gambling debts to suppressing talk
of union. This list tells me all sorts of things.
I can even tell the future. You know what it
says about you?
It says you're peeking. Look around you? What are you like?
Seven eight? This is as good as it gets for
your kid.
You smell funny, so do you?
We all smell funny. Maybe you think some toy can.
Make you forget the stench of your failed little life.
I want a wife, flak or scooter, but it can't.
No toy can do the trick. Look, you're in the
caterpillar stage.
Soon you'll spin a cocoon out of your own bullshit
and your fear of anyone with purpose, until you emerge
a beautiful, fully formed.
Towny nearby, Jake isn't sure what to think, but he's
definitely amused in line, Carl continues to lay into Bully
number one. Classic Towny.
You'll know the exact price of gas all over town,
even though you can't drive because you rolled your mom's
forward escort and got your third d UI. You'll get
out of hand at all the JV football games, even
though you don't have a kid in the game.
This could be the end of it, but Carl takes
it too far. Twice is bad for you.
Pretty soon, you'll figure out the reason you look like
a water buffalo's because mommy liked Off brand schnops more
than she liked being pregnant with you.
Bully number two begins to cry. Colombn Angel twenties Mexican
mal Santa pulls Carl away. He has a thick accent
and is difficult to understand.
Hey, come on, bro, shift toward cal Ma demienfo Hey
what we talk about?
Bro?
Hey, phileas Merry Christmas?
Cant Hey, that's up.
Well, children, it's Santo class Angel leads Carl towards a
nearby hallway. I don't say that, kids think you're racist.
I'm not racist. Santa is the racist. All the fine,
fine gifts for all the well scrubbed lily white shoulder
in Connecticut. Now compare that to what Paco, a village
boy in western Bolivia, what he will be opening up
Christmas morning.
Remember, while we talk about your b oh man, can't
get fired again.
Don't fuck up. Jake hurries to follow Carl into hallway
to bathrooms. Jake watches an aus said Carl take off
his green jacket and elf hat, then kick off his
elf shoes. He takes a big swig from a bottle
of soda as he leans against the wall.
Hey, there, Santa's overgrown little helper.
Sorry, kid, this elf is off as mary clock.
Carl turns and sees his son, Jake. Holy shit, Jake.
Carl rushes over and hugs him. Jake is not super huggy.
They talk past each other, Jake launching into his problem,
and Carl confused but happy to see his kid.
It's been a whole year just listening.
Well, your balls are falling, you get hardened, class chafing,
too much from the too much.
Jesus, it's nothing to do with my dick.
I just figured it's gotta be something your mom can
help with.
Listen to me, I'm not going to get what I
want for Christmas.
You know I'm not really an elf right, and this
whole Santa song and dance it's truthfully no, No, I.
Need your help.
I need mom to like me so I can get
what I want this year. Teach me how I can
make her happy.
I'm probably the worst pick for that.
One, exactly.
I need you to teach me how to not be you.
This hits Carl.
Wow, I'm flattered you want my help, but it's for
literally the most insulting reason possible.
We're fighting really bad.
Everyone fights with their mom. How bad can it be?
It's like you guys used to.
Carl knows how bad that is.
I'm sort of afraid I can't change, but you were
able to.
Mom said so Ashley's opinion of him is big news
to Carl.
She said that, yeah, that you're way different now because
of that twelve step thing, right.
Carl confirms with a small, uncertain nod.
Teach me switch drinking with whatever I do that pisses
off mom. If it works for you, then it could
work for me.
We can't even be seen together. My po would flip.
It was part of the whole divorce shebang.
We can sneak we have less than a week. Can
you help me or not?
The twelve steps aren't really designed for kids. Do you
even care that I might not get my me phone?
Do you care about me? Or are you the same
as before?
Harl looks at his son's pleading face. Of course I care.
I can help you said it.
I'm a change man.
Jake lights up and smiles at an unsure curl interior,
Red Apartment living room morning. Ashley folds a mountain of
laundry behind her. Jake puts on his coat and heads
to the door.
Mom, do you not understand how this whole being grounded
thing works?
I do?
I just I really want to help with the food drive.
I figure I have all this extra time now.
Ashley is surprised, then considers. Jake displays the can of
soup in his hand.
Okay, work, when you get back, you need to handle
dinner on your own. Maybe be on a lookout for
some tasty in the collection. Ben, you're needy too, you know, thanks?
Mom.
Jake smiles and heads out. Interior Carl's Apartment bedroom day.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas by Ben
Crosby plays as camera navigates artifacts of an alcoholics life,
discarded shirts on their third round of booze, sweat, confusing trash,
one elf shoe, empty bottles of seagrum. Seven whiskey camera
finds the music we hear is Carl's phone alarm, which
he's ignoring. He sleeps in the wrong direction on a
stained mattress, wearing boxers and one remaining elf shoe. The
cell rings. He closes one eye to read blocked number.
Wuck, I think I know this block number.
He turns over and ignores it until thing voicemail alert.
He curses to himself and plays it on speaker.
Carl, missing a meeting with your parole officer is a
very bad thing. Why because I'm judge jury and bribable
prison guard who can let.
Carl sits up, looks around at his life and sighs.
It also means extra work for me. I hate that
puts me in a mood.
Carl gets on his feet. Bathroom, toilet, trees and laundry
are everywhere. The counter is covered with loose change, gum,
lighters and bits of garbage. Carl inspects his face in
the mirror. He tests from different angles, but there is
no hiding his wrecked appearance looking for us.
For me anyway, you're so consistent in missing your performance markers,
I don't feel the.
Need to come out.
Kitchen Carl discovers a half eaten bread the sandwich and
a dunkin Donuts wrapper. He brushes it off before taking
a bite.
Hey, it is breakfast.
Let's go down on our list here. Number one general upkeep.
I envisioned a new layer of clutter on top of
the old one. I could count them like rings on
a tree to date the last time you tied it up.
Looking around, Carl must concede. Jordan nailed it. Exterior Carl's
apartment day. Jake puts down his bike and knocks on
the door. Interior Carl's apartment Kitchen day. Carl finds a
glass of whiskey coke and the inspects it against the light.
He grabs a coffee mug and pours a drink back
and forth between the two cups like a science experiment.
Number two a Hey meetings, Ben Danny, Uh, I.
Actually miss hearing you lie. Allows me to pretend you
take this seriously.
Carl drinks from the grimaces at the taste.
Three job search, I have a job, Thank you a
mudding career is a mall.
Santas Lackey isn't what I'm looking for.
Exterior Carl's Apartment Day, Jake fogs the window as he
cups his hands and peeks inside. Interior Carl's apartment living
room day. Carl collapses onto the couch.
Fourth and most importantly, new offenses.
None knock one proud of that?
Are we?
Until I met you, I didn't know a person to
be so smug and defeat.
Carl drinks the hell what's.
The point Even if you try to be less of
a fuck up, you probably just fuck that.
Up to loud angry knocks startle Carl. Exterior Carl's Apartment Day.
Jake waits. Carl opens the door, still in the middle
of putting on one of those dirty T shirts from
the floor. Jake can only conclude, Dude, you forgot.
What don't always assume the worst? That's crazy, boy.
You do need help. We should get started right away.
Come in.
Jake walks in, pissed off. Interior Carl's apartment living room, continuous.
Carl scrambles to hide signs of drinking. He notices the
soup you brought lunch Mom thinks I'm helping with the
canned food drive. Okay, well here they do donations.
At them all.
Okay, good. I felt bad about that part.
Sorry, it's a tad messy. You got a bit of
a late star. But I got my coffee here and
ready roll.
This is the new you. You sure you can help me.
I'm just looking found it.
Carl triumphantly holds up a red notebook, my old AA notebook.
Look, underneath all the real twelve steps, I wrote a
modified one just for us.
You're not hooked on hooch. You just gotta be a
better kid.
Indeed, beneath the actual twelve steps, Carl wrote his own.
Okay, hit me, what's step one?
Step one might be too hard for you right now,
that's okay.
We can skip around. Why not we make the rules.
You can do that, which brings me to step three.
Remembering the shitty job you did on your own, surrender
some control and give yourself over to a higher power.
That's me.
You don't strike me as a higher power.
Have some faith. I've been through all this before.
Carl puts on parts of the Elf costume. It's actually substantial.
Garb nice twenty five years and one hundred mall workers.
Ago gotta say that elf cosplay is alarming.
Dis guys, that legal business is no joke. No't have
me spending Christmas in jail.
He adds a Santa hat and Beard flashes a Santa
like gang sign o.
To the third you're ready to obey your higher elf.
Carl throws on big mirrored aviators to finish his disguise.
Exterior town Square day, Jake walks while Carl rides the
two small bike looking good.
But watch out, my front wheel is busty.
The warp front wheel struggles over the snow and slush wind.
No car anyway, Such a hypocrisy.
A successful person rides a bike, they're called progressive or
a bicycle enthusiast. But when I do it, it's just
called too many duys.
Watches of original pink under bike's paint.
It's time for you to make some amends, repair your
harm with responsibility and love.
Baby.
It'll cover steps eight and nine. Amends for what start.
Small, my disciple? What made your mother so upset?
Jake doesn't want to say, but close on Carl's shitty
sall screen, Jake plays social media posts of the classroom
incident picking up after we left off.
And let's not forget missus Bucket, that community treasure. Some
old guys outside the VFW said she can suck patriotism
off a flag. That cock guy something too told our
English teacher that.
Time got a little too excited.
Where And let's not forget missus Bucket, that community treasure.
Some old guys outside the VFW said she can suck
patriotism off a flag. That cock guy substitute told our
English class she can suck the meaning.
Awful word a disgrace zoop keeper when it's a great detail.
The video cuts off.
You kids know about missus b.
Man.
She used to suck off regulars that brings bol rama
with commitment like it was noble, like it would help
us win. The war lord knows that woman never pays. Yeah,
your intidnet was pretty ripe for some amends.
Jake mounts the back pegs of the bike and they
take off exterior JoJo's Endhouse, family eatery parking lot day.
Carl walks ahead of a tentative Jake.
How do you know this Eric is in there anyway? Here?
Snapchat story.
So that's why you want a phone.
So you can join your friends as a social media zombie.
No, definitely not. I don't care about friends.
Carl starts joking around with Jake to loosen him up Snapchat.
Huh, that's the porn one.
Seriously, No, so that's it, Dan, you can tell me
you want to send out your digital dick.
Let's know.
They arrive.
Carl opens the door for Jake interior JoJo's Endhouse family
eatery day. As they enter, Carl doesn't see teen hosts
Zara nearby.
I wish we had dick picks when I was younger.
All we could do is take up holaroids, send it
in the mail, like with a stamp.
You know. It didn't just show.
Cock and balls at showed heart.
It's much more personal, but also much more intrusive for
the same reason.
Carl finally notices his hostess, Zara, who heard everything. A
nearby family with young children are also scandalized.
Oh so the lesson is don't.
Show your penis to a lady unless you're super sure,
like positive, like get a notary involved, right, because otherwise
hashtag her?
What's wrong with you?
What kind of sick freak dresses up like some elf
Santa hybrid and talks about cock and a family eater.
Oh hey, keep a kid appropriate watch the Santa cock
and before you offer, we don't need a.
Table, thank you.
Jake wants out, but Carl nudges him.
I actually just need to talk to erkrof Yes Eric.
Across, Zara starers Carl down.
Employees can't have visitors melandity.
Sorry, elf Santa, you.
Think you can lord over this place because you're better
than us. Maybe I am the elf and that means
I know shit about you, like how the relationship with
your husband Pillow has taken a romantic turn. I read
all about it on my list, checked it twice, then
six times since then.
Girly, it's a pretty hot red.
If you catch my drift, we'll see who's tough with
markets here.
Zara storms off to the back.
Remember it doesn't matter what someone else did. You're fixing
what you did. You see here, Jake scans the place.
None of the waitresses are Erica. Then he zeros in
on Jojo, the hen mascot got here. Speaking of cosplay,
you must have a mascot complex or something.
Go now, hurry, Jake. Hurry's across the restaurant to back tables.
Jake approaches done stops before the great bird. Jojo is stumped,
but then does a dance for Jake.
Damn it, Erica, stop dancing for a second, or actually
keep it up, because you see, I realized that mascots
are important.
I'm sorry I had a problem with Ryan the Rhino.
Jojo opens her bird wings noncommittally.
I mean it, mascots remind us went it here and
it must be really hot in there? And you answer
the age old question who let the dogs out a rhino?
Did?
That's actually really clever. Jake spots Zara emerged with team
manager Mark nineteen can almost grow the badass team facial
hair he's going for.
I'm legit, sorry I bunched you. Please accept my apology.
Jake waits for a response as Jojo scratches her head
before he sees Erica clearing the table.
Next to him.
Oh hi, Erica, you know this fruity kid host a stamp.
Carl gets into it with Mark.
Even if Sana ELFs were real and you were one,
I'd still.
Fuck you up.
Son.
Zara is so impressed. What You're gonna attack me? While
sugar Plums danced in my head.
Uh uh.
Nah. You know what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna find out where you live, and I'm gonna
go to your mom's room, and I'm going to love
her tenderly and well, I'm gonna show her a gentle
rest of procative love she stopped dreaming of years before
you crawled out.
This was a show stopper. They don't know how to respond.
You could have just been reasonable.
But now this guy's gonna spend Christmas deciding this hot
peace mother's glow is from holiday cheer or from Miss
Elfe's special delivery back tables.
Fiery hatred in Erica's eyes as she steps toward Jake.
This is the violent little patriarch I told you about.
The enraged hen puffs out its magnificent chest as it
advances on Jake, looking like it might peck him to death.
I didn't mean to.
Don't victim blame me.
Listen, it was a mistake.
Don't explain to Jojo.
Jake doesn't know what to do. He looks up front
and sees Carl feuding with Zara and Mark. When Jake
turns back around, Erica slams him in the face with
a server's tray. Wow, fuck I fear, I go ahead, girls,
don't give me that gender binary crap. Holding his bloody nose,
Jake staggers away exterior JoJo's Henhouse family eatery parking lot day.
Jake comes out fuming, Carl's following behind.
Making immense sucks and fuck all these people, I even
try god.
Karl sits on the curb. He packs a snowball and
offers it, not exactly in the mood.
No, it's for your face.
Jake holds it against his face and he calms, some,
you don't get it. My school is full of assholes.
Horse, it is. Some people totally deserve bad shit. That's
what school's good for, not to teach you about logarithms
or teapot domes or the righteous men of the Whiskey Rebellion.
It's there to prepare you for a world of assholes.
That doesn't seem right. Come here, sit down, let's look around.
Jake joins Karl on the curb. As they scan their surroundings.
Carl points to an adorable family walking down the sidewalk.
That adorable family, they're probably assholes. Mom cheats on dad,
but it ain't her fault. Because I don't know, you
can only get off to some very specific type of
Vietnamese porn or something. And they both know their daughter's
real father is one of a dozen potential men, none
of whom she currently calls dad.
Jake points at an innocent old man shambling along. What
about him?
That guy, he's an asshole too, I'm sure of it.
He's just an innocent old man.
No one that old isn't very racist and weirdly specific racism,
like distrust of those thieven Danes or something.
The old man gives them a polite wave, shuffles on harmlessly.
Hell, being angry can even be fun if someone deserves it.
But then you spend your whole day judging people. It's
a trap.
Jake understands this deeply. He throws the snowball. Life can
be shitty, but you're way too young to believe it's
not going to be okay. Two down, cross him.
Out, Jake, crosses of eight and nine. You can't help
feeling proud and act one you guys, I was fucking frantic.
Crowd was so amazing, potty, great,