#39: Why Leaders Feel Stuck And Why Pushing Harder Makes It Worse

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Eric:  Welcome to the Empower Podcast. I'm your host, Eric Pfeiffer, CEO of Empower. Coaching leadership isn't about titles or positions. It's actually about the influence and impact we have on our environments. This is where we get to learn how to operate well under pressure, lead with confidence and drive meaningful results.

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We all feel  stuck. We all get stuck at different times. The interesting thing about getting stuck is that most leaders don't actually know when it happens because it doesn't usually happen in one dramatic moment. It doesn't feel like a crisis. It feels like a slow drift until we feel stuck. You start solving the same problems over and over things that used to feel easy, now feel much heavier.

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Dawn: That's right. And the part that we as leaders often don't slow down to notice  is that something in us, right has stopped growing, which is contributing to this feeling stuck. The pressure increased. Our rhythms didn't. Our responsibilities grew, but our tools or our knowledge about how to deal with these responsibilities didn't.

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Eric: Yeah. You know, I often hear people talk about the grind, right? Yeah. Um, as entrepreneurs, as people who are trying to grow business and whatever area of life that  we're, we're wanting to be more successful, achieve more, have more wins.

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I think that's what we're gonna be getting at in, in today's podcast. So here, here's what I think is actually going on in this whole idea of like, feeling stuck, right? So we, we feel stuck. The temptation is put your head down and just kind of keep moving forward. Um, but I think there's, there are, there's an alternative  strategy.

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Yeah. Trying harder just digs the rut deeper. And this is where the grind becomes dangerous. That's right. It's kinda like we've seen those videos of, you know. Jeeps  or trucks out on a beach and they're cruising around and suddenly they hit really soft sand and they just keep spinning their wheels and they're not actually going anywhere.

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I ain't slowing down. I gotta get to where I'm going. Until we realize that our transmission, our suspension is  blasted in and our car's about to break down.

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Dawn: What it is inviting you to recognize is that  your problem, the thing that's keeping you stuck, that brick wall, it's not actually like a character flaw or an issue that you can't overcome, and it's not a signal that you're not cut out for leadership.

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Where is the invitation? What are the places that are keeping me stuck? The moments that feel like a trap, right? These traps similar to like the sand trap when you're out in a Jeep. Drew, my husband is a big off-road guy, and so it's so true. When you are driving across the desert, everything's going  fine.

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And so here's, I wanna get really practical with this episode. Eric, I wanna name  some of these common traps that you and I leaders, we coach, have found ourselves in from time to time. I want you to talk us through how, how you coach a leader out of that track.

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We're on the wrong path, we're on the wrong journey. Mm-hmm. We've somehow screwed up. But it's interesting that illustration that you're offering is your husband's actually doing the right thing. He's on an adventure. He's, but, but the reality is, as we are traversing the landscape of life and leadership and business and the, the economy and social issues, and we, we inevitably, even when we're moving in the right direction.

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And therefore you're on the right path. But now you're gonna feel stuck because what, this is a new challenge. Um, you break into a new market, um, suddenly your sales blow up and your revenues, you know, dramatically increase. What do we do? Markets shift all the time. Like, so I just wanna encourage our  listeners that this feeling of stuckness mm-hmm.

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Dawn: I, I love that. And if I can add one more layer to that is, since we're  digging into this Jeep analogy, uh, when we are out there riding through the desert and something like that happens, drew actually looks at it as an adventure.

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Yeah. How do, how do we continue to, to, to further reach our mission of putting this leadership operating system in the hands of as many  human beings as possible? Right. Well, there's a million levels that we're gonna have to, we're gonna have to, uh, conquer to achieve a mission like that at any level. If every new challenge is like, oh my gosh, this sucks, this is stupid.

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So the first one is this. It's just easier if I do it myself.  Talk to us about that trap.

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That's right. Now, in the ideal world. We build our team by hiring exceptional individuals who come in and they multiply our ability through their skills. Mm-hmm. Uh, whether they're similar to ours or different and unique.  Um, and in the ideal world. We hire the people that never need to be invested and never need to be developed.

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So the, the parent says, you know what? Screw it. I'll just keep doing this for you. Mm-hmm. I'll just keep brushing your teeth for you. I'll just keep wiping you around for you. I'll just keep driving you around even though you're 26 years old. Yeah. I'll just keep, I'll just keep, I'll just keep that mindset keeps us stuck because number one, it minimizes the margin of anything new we can do.

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Dawn: That's right. And um, what's funny is right before we hopped on this podcast, we were actually talking about that very. Idea. And I would like to say that in me, you did hire an  exceptional employee, Chris. Yes, I agree. I agree. However, even I, with all of my exceptions, require development as I myself am growing and my capacity, my skills developing to that next level.

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Eric: And it's required on my end to be willing to take time and energy to invest in your growth and development as well. That's right. 'cause otherwise what happens  is, you know what I mean by incremental growth is, you know, that's one plus one equals two.

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Eric: I, I'll tell you what, let me, let me illustrate how this keeps people stuck. The number of times we've been invited into work with leaders and organizations where after  spending some time with that group, we begin to identify unhelpful habits.

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Yes. Who fall into this trap. Yeah. This is just who I am. This is how I've always been. I, I, I'm not good at numbers. I, I, I can never learn how to read a spreadsheet. I, you know, I don't, I don't like having hard  conversations. Um, I don't like making people feel upset. You know, I don't wanna make phone calls.

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Dawn: It makes me think of a story. I don't know if you told it on the podcast, but you told it recently where you were in a, a meeting with a very  high powered client.

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Mother, you. Right. And, and a lot of that is  because I think for all of us, right? We've had to grow and learn through our life in a lot of different areas. But the process of growth and development is challenging. It does. It does Chip away at our ego, our pride, our sense of achievement. It does make us feel, like you said earlier, disqualified.

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Eric: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting. Let me, let me share this real quick, this little story. Yeah. Um, so I, and I've shared this on the podcast, so a couple  years ago, you know, we, we were just my wife and I, and our family, and just because of life circumstances, we went through some really, really, really, really challenging circumstances that then put so much pressure on our marriage, and we found ourselves wildly disconnected and not communicating well.

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We know we're gonna end up in a bad spot. Worst spot. And I shared that because I remember. Processing with a, a good friend of mine. And, you know, in the midst of that and saying, man, I, I'm so sad for how derailed we've gotten. Mm.  And this was his, this was his response. He goes, well, you know, it's interesting, Eric, uh, because you know, you coached me for a couple of years.

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And I remember it when he said it, I was like,  bro. I must have been a really good coach because this is really good stuff stuff, but it was just, it was so powerful because the temptation is to think how far into my marriage, how far into this business, how many years have I been a leader? How many times have I led a team?

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But we, but, but we resist that, that growth edge because of, of the, the insecurities and the fears that come up and it, rather than recognizing and going, this is just a crazy opportunity, a great opportunity for me to go take my leadership, my, my operation to the next level. That's right. And it transformed literally the way that I viewed that process of marriage counseling with my wife  made it so much more, like, I felt much more positive and excited and energized and hopeful.

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Dawn: hundred percent. That's good. Okay, next trap.  I'm super busy and like my schedule's full. I'm in meetings all day, every day, and yet somehow I still feel behind.

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Ain't nobody got time for that. Like, I'm slammed, I'm busy. I, I don't, I can't find the time. To invest  into this. But let me ask this question. What's the alternative? Yeah. The alternative is I'm overwhelmed. I'm too busy. I don't have time for this. I can't slow down. And therefore what we stay stuck

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Dawn: Right. That, that's an invitation for us to pause and consider. Okay. Am I  making progress? Am I, do I have momentum or am I just busy spinning my wheels?

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Um, it definitely becomes a trap. And that we can fall into. But it, it reminds me, this is so, it's so interesting. I don't know why this image comes to mind and dear listener, if, if this resonates great, if not,  forgive me and just toss it. But I remember very well when I was a kid, this is back before video games and digital devices and all that stuff, and you know, we had, we had to play with old school toys.

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Yeah. Um, it's kinda like, you know, it was such a hectic day, which just stuff would get thrown in a box and then the next time you pulled it out, what, what did that string look like?  It was all balled up and nodded. And I remember as a kid, like pointed out, so excited to go fly the kite. Like, I know what I'm there, I wanna, I know what I wanna achieve.

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He would just sit there and he'd take that one, one knot  and he would just start kinda working on it and he would kinda get that one knot released and that would release sometimes. Six inches of string. Sometimes it would, it would release six feet of string. You didn't know. Mm-hmm. But the point is, is that in order to use that kite, we had to get the knots out.

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And what happens is it rarely works, if ever. There's oftentimes collateral damage that comes along with it. Torn strings, torn relationships,  right? Um, and so it does require some patience, and I know it's really hard for us as leaders because we wanna make forward progress, but sometimes in making forward progress, it does require us to slow down long enough so that we can achieve it.

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Well first of all, let me just say this, there are times, there are times, yes. In life, in leadership and business, in the face of challenges  where we do have to burn the midnight oil. Mm-hmm. Right? Where, where we do need to, we need to keep grinding. But I would say. Those are more often than not the exceptions than the rule.

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They're willing to slow down because what, what I try to remind them is you are not slowing down. Yeah. If to, to not do the grind. We're used to, feels like we're slowing down, we're gonna lose speed, momentum, energy. It's not, it's, it's actually, it's, it's, it's almost like a, it's counterintuitive. It's  right.

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Dawn: You're brewing nowhere fast because like, unless you actually pull over, pause, pull out the map.  Right. This is that idea of it's not wasted time. It's, it's not, doesn't feel like we're moving, but it's not wasted time. It's actually figuring out where and how we're gonna get to where we wanna go.

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Right. Because yeah, busyness and hurriedness is not a. Substitute for clarity and confidence and courage. I think sometimes we think that's gonna masquerade as clarity, courage, but this, this redirection of energy toward dealing intentionally with  where we're feeling stuck is actually the process of reconnecting, regaining, recovering clarity and confidence and courage.

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Eric: Well, first of all, let me confess that I spent the first 20 some years of my life operating on this mindset. And didn't realize how trapped I was across so many areas of my life because it, you know, you feel stuck. You, you, you feel it first. Right. But like you were saying  earlier, like we often don't recognize it until, you know.

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Eric: Like I just, I felt bankrupt. I felt like the bank accounts are empty. I've over withdrawn in every account. I, I remember just reflecting on the quality of relationships and my sense of clarity and direction in life and what I was spending my time doing, and across the board, I just felt  bankrupt.

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It's not working. It's not working. Now, it may, it may have, it may have allowed  me to escape certain pain points and difficulties and challenges over the years, but in the end, what it did is it actually caused me to avoid my own growth, my own transformation, my own maturation. Yeah. I share that because I think all of us can resonate or identify areas in our life and our relationships in our, in our business where we're just avoidant, where it's like, I know that something's not working.

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Okay. So my son, who's now 16, when he was five and my daughter was three, we were over at a friend's house and.  You know, there's this kind of rule that, you know, as a parent of young kids, where it's like if things are quiet, it's probably not a good sign. It's

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Dawn: So while we were trying to avoid what was happening and hope  that it was all for the best. Yeah. What was really happening is they were creating an ice rink of soap on the table.

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Eric: That's right. I, I love, I love that. Right? Because, you know, when, when we're talking,  we're working with clients, you know, in this area, what, what do we often, we'll say this to them. Hey, if you apply no intentionality, um, to your physical health, what, where, where does your body naturally go? What if you apply no intentionality to your finances?

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Is that things don't generally accidentally move toward greater order and health and maturity. Mm-hmm. Knots don't naturally resolve themselves mm-hmm. Without some intentional force. So if, if we're in a, if you're in a coaching call with  somebody you've gotten to this point, just give us. One or two things that you would want to encourage that client toward in terms of, okay, well, what does it mean to apply intentional force?

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Yes. Yes. That's usually the invitation to look at the thing. Right. Stare at it. It's not pretty. It's ugly. It's painful, but you gotta look at it. You gotta look at it and, and here's the beautiful thing. That invitation doesn't  mean that you have to immediately solve it.

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Owning the challenge, staring at it, wrestling with it until we got the breakthrough. I would say every breakthrough in all of human history  was predicated on somebody who was willing to bite down on that challenge and say, I don't know how to solve you. I don't have the answer yet. I don't know where even, I can't even guarantee where this is going, but I, I know one thing I, I've, I've, I'm grabbing hold of you.

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Dawn: Yeah. And that I, I wanna double click on that because so often  we can be afraid to even look at some of these problems face, we can avoid the hard thing because something in us is like, well, if I look at it, but I don't know how to solve it right away, what if I get stuck there? What if I get stuck in that uncomfortable feeling or it exposes something about my inadequacies?

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One of my, one of my greatest grievances with social media is that  the only thing we generally see is the what's on the other side of a breakthrough. Yeah. Success, achievement, expertise. Social media is this wonderful platform where we get to celebrate the other side of the challenge. Mm-hmm. The battle.

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So a lot of our listeners know that. Yes, yes, yes. I was  a pastor at some form of time in my life. And so the words that I would often use was, we have to be willing to identify and engage the battle. To have any chance of a breakthrough. But if we, if we stick with it to get to the breakthrough, then we get the blessing on the other side.

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If somebody out there is  thinking about it, I would definitely join that platform and I'd be happy like we do oftentimes even in our, in our podcast and definitely in our coaching sessions. I mean, I am over and over again sharing. The journey of the stories of my own battles. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And why? Because I want, I want our clients to be like, oh, this is what it, this is what's required.

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Yeah. I'm not alone. There's, I'm not alone. Yeah. And that in and of itself is often enough to give us just that a little bit of breathing room that can get us moving again. Yeah. But what happens is, out of self-protection and busyness and all of the things we already talked about,  we wanna lock it down.

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This is par for the course, the challenges you're facing, the difficulties you're facing. Kinda like my buddies said to me, Hey, maybe you're not derailed. Yeah. Maybe you're not a mess. Maybe you're not as, yeah, and maybe you're not the wreck that you think you are. Maybe, maybe you're just missing out the fact this is part of the adventure.

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Mm-hmm. Right? Second question. What's one small shift that I can  make that would help me engage this experience more effectively? And for some of us, that's just gonna be like owning it, naming it, grabbing hold of it. Yeah. For others of us, it's gonna be like, Hey, you know what? I need to slow down and actually take time to reflect on this.

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Further us further in the direction that we're looking for. We're not looking for a complete overhaul. We're not looking for an overnight transformation. We're not looking for a reinvention,  just one small shift at a time. And that's how we get unstuck. And that's how underdeveloped leadership begins to become developed leadership.

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And just remember this, you  are not alone. There's that phrase again that honestly just, just throwing it out. There could be a really cool title for a podcast, and it certainly would fit the vibe and ethos of this podcast. But guess what? You're not alone and you don't have to stay stuck.

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Hey,  thanks for tuning into this powerful episode. Today's conversation is a great reminder that leadership isn't just about what you do, it's about who you are becoming. If this episode gave you something to think about or inspired you in any way, share it with a friend or colleague, leave a quick review and make sure you've subscribed so that you never miss an episode.