Love The Way God Intended

00:00:09
Speaker 1: Welcome to this episode of Keep It Positive, Sweetie. Today I am talking about love the way God intended, and guys, it's something I'm still trying to navigate because I haven't figured it out. But when I think about love the way God intended, I think of two things. Charlottne and God said. It wasn't until he started to honor his wife that his whole world changed. He stopped cheating, he went to therapy. He said, I saw my whole world turn around. And then in the Bible says a man who finds a wife finds a good thing in favor upon the Lord. So I have brought two of my friends, people I love and admire so much, Shamika Daniels and doctor Darius Daniels, who are my spiritual leaders here at Changed Church in Atlanta. You guys can come, we have a good time. And you also have a church in New Jersey. Is there any other locations that I'm missing?

00:00:57
Speaker 2: We got global to me.

00:00:59
Speaker 3: Yeah, y'all have you.

00:01:01
Speaker 2: Guys.

00:01:01
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, like every time I post, you guys are like tapping into my d M s. And one lady asked me to come to Shallow High School. I just want you to know that you brought me back to the Lord from posting. So now she goes a change. Wow.

00:01:14
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I started tearing up.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, that's what I want, that's my street.

00:01:24
Speaker 2: I love it.

00:01:26
Speaker 1: But I just I love your relationship. I love how you like. I just love how you guys are.

00:01:30
Speaker 2: And I was like, if I'm going to have anybody on, I want to have you too.

00:01:33
Speaker 4: Wow.

00:01:35
Speaker 5: Some course, Thank you guys.

00:01:38
Speaker 4: We love you, we love you, and we're excited about everything that's happening with you. Super proud, impressed, and yeah, we just happen to be I'm looking forward to the conversation. Yes, we will keep it spiritual and spicy.

00:01:53
Speaker 2: That's for both. I love it.

00:01:57
Speaker 1: I love it. It's a little storytelling backstory. It was twenty nineteen, top of the year. You know, on the top of the year, we always have these revelations of things we're gonna do different. We got our New Year's resolutions and other things that we want to change in our lives. And at that time, I was like, you know what, God.

00:02:13
Speaker 2: I'm tired of the heartbreak. I'm tired of relationships not working. I know the type of woman I am. I know I'm a wife. I'm a wife, and I'm like, Lord, where is he?

00:02:23
Speaker 1: So I meet this guy and at the time, he was like every morning posting scriptures on his Instagram and like he would post like, is.

00:02:31
Speaker 2: A pandemic kid?

00:02:33
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was a top of twenty twenty nineteen. Oh pandemic hadn't happened yet. So he was posting his churches in Virginia and he was posting like sermons and I was like, Okay, this guy's really into the Lord. And he would send me doctor Tony Tony Evans.

00:02:48
Speaker 2: He had sent me his stuff. I'm like, okay, a man after guys, I'm hard.

00:02:51
Speaker 5: I don't like it.

00:02:53
Speaker 1: And I was like, okay, God, I'm gonna do it your way. I'm gonna practice your way because I'm tired of doing it. Clearly my way isn't working, so let me try it's different. And I wasn't having sex. We were going to church together and I was like this is this is really good and they always say if you have stained from sex, and it'll show you what.

00:03:10
Speaker 2: He's really around for.

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Speaker 1: And we dated for a year, didn't do anything in the whole time, and it was great.

00:03:15
Speaker 2: We built a good friendship. But what I found was that.

00:03:20
Speaker 1: I started feeling like some distance coming and I was like, something something off here. I'm not feeling the same energy. I was feeling like he wasn't keeping that same energy. Yeah, and I think he was getting worn out, you know, of the weight. And a year later we decided to break up. But I said, okay, lord, it didn't work. I was testing you.

00:03:39
Speaker 2: I'm like, look, I want this to I want this to be my testimony.

00:03:42
Speaker 1: I did it your way and it worked, and like I changed my life and I did a guy's way.

00:03:46
Speaker 2: That kind of how Charlotte Mane was.

00:03:47
Speaker 1: As soon as I started outing my wife everything that had changed, I want that to be my It was not my story, and so nay, I wasn't picking myself off the ground. I wasn't in the shower crying like I would from previous breakups. And we're still friends this day. And I was like, okay, God, there was a lesson to take from that. You know, you put practices, practices into place so that it protects us. And I was like, I'm still whole from after this, and I still have a great friend, but I'm trying to see I want to bring you guys on to kind of help dive.

00:04:20
Speaker 2: I just turned forty, yes, regulation yes, and still single.

00:04:27
Speaker 1: So I'm like, I know there's a lot of women that go through the same thing, and so I wanted to just kind of dive into it. I want to know, like, how did you guys meet and kind of what was your story?

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Speaker 2: Did you know as soon as you started?

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Speaker 4: First of all, what version do you want?

00:04:42
Speaker 2: I want?

00:04:44
Speaker 4: Okay, all right, so I'm gonna give the Okay, I'm gonna give my version.

00:04:50
Speaker 3: There we go and I my part, So I'm.

00:04:53
Speaker 4: Gonna give you the truth, all right. Part So long story short is, I went to this We met in college. So I went to this small school in Jackson, Mississippi, and she went to this larger school in Hattiesburg. So my school was like more academic, the social life was kind of trash. So we went we would go, we would drive to her school for all the parties. Yes, so it was something it was a fraternity party, sorority party, whatever. So me and my friends we went down there. So we're at this party, right, and there's this girl I see. I'm like, okay, I'm gonna go talk to her. So she's sitting on the It wasn't her. So the girl is sitting on this little bench. So I go and I started sitting. I said, on the bench, I start having a conversation with a girl. Now I want you to I want you to see what's happening here. It's a long bench, the girls on the end. I'm right next to the girl. You got all this other space on the bench. All of a sudden, she walks over sits right in between me and the girl. So my friend, one of my best friends, who like, he's here in Atlanta right now, he works with us. He was like, he was there that night. He was like, yo, what is she doing? Like, I have no idea. So the other girl gets up and leaves, and she eventually leaves. So I'm like, you didn't even want me, You just I don't want what's up with this? And then I'm leaving the party that night and she's standing by the door. She takes a piece of paper, she writes her name and the number on it and gives it to me and say, call me if you're interested.

00:06:38
Speaker 3: What's the part that he didn't tell his story.

00:06:41
Speaker 4: I didn't know that part, and I don't believe I'm not sure if I believe it, but go ahead.

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Speaker 6: So it was one of my sorority sisters and she was actually dating a football player, and so I was just like, oh, this is a party. We don't want this party to be a disaster. So I don't want this guy to have any show. But when I saw him, now I saw him, he walked through the room, he had his hat on.

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Speaker 5: I was like, yes, like cute.

00:07:01
Speaker 6: But when I saw him go over to her, I said, I don't even want this guy to get in this trouble, so I'm gonna just go, you know.

00:07:07
Speaker 2: So he was protect it. It was cute.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, let me just going to give it my number too.

00:07:14
Speaker 6: That was my way, my subtle way of saying, you know, I'm saving, but I'm interested too.

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Speaker 4: To your credit, there were like the football players had they were had like gotten into a couple of fights.

00:07:25
Speaker 6: Yes, everything down, yeah, and so and I was and I was fundraising. So like I think we threw the party. So I probably like put the party on.

00:07:36
Speaker 2: You know. She was the girl, still the girl I love.

00:07:40
Speaker 4: And then later I'll tell you all all the stuff after that, because that was really.

00:07:47
Speaker 2: Didn't take me to call her like.

00:07:50
Speaker 4: I actually called her the next week, but she gave me. She told me her name and gave me the number. So she said Mika. I thought she said to Mikat. So when I called her dorm room, her roommate picked up pet. I was like, hey, can I speak to Tamika. I don't know Tamika lived here, And all she had to say was so it was like months because she didn't have my number, and that was back in the day I'm about to date myself. It was no cell phone. Yeah, so she now my number, so I had no way. I was like, this girl did all this and gave me a fake number. And literally we were at this event months later, me and some of my fraternity brothers and she just happened to be there. I was like, you gave me a fake number. She's like, no, idea whatever. So I kind of like reconnected after that.

00:08:46
Speaker 2: I love it. I love it. So what was like the courtship to Coven?

00:08:51
Speaker 4: It like, yeah, so that was.

00:08:56
Speaker 3: It was?

00:08:57
Speaker 4: It was.

00:08:57
Speaker 3: I think it was interesting because he was clear on what he wanted.

00:09:00
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think that was pretty cool.

00:09:01
Speaker 6: I was in the season where I had been raised in church, but I was enjoying college. So I went the Bible study on Wednesday night, church on Sunday.

00:09:07
Speaker 5: But I lived life through the week.

00:09:09
Speaker 3: Yes, And I think for him that people need to know.

00:09:12
Speaker 5: So I went to the club.

00:09:13
Speaker 2: I did all.

00:09:15
Speaker 5: I did it all, but I love Jesus.

00:09:18
Speaker 6: And so when we actually were talking, you were really clear, and I think that even made me admire you even the more and be attracted to you. You were clear, but I don't think I was as clear.

00:09:29
Speaker 4: Yeah, you were you were, you were, you were, you were figuring out. Let me tell you this. I think the people need to know this. I think the people need to No, no, no, I got you. I got you. So we are I guess we're. We were talking, but we hadn't defined the relationship. So we had talked for a while before we defined the relationship right. And I'll never forget this. This is how we went from just talking to dating exclusively to courtship. This is how we got the court shop. She literally she's getting ready to go to this there's a school in Mississippi all Corn states, so it's an HBCU. So she's getting ready to go to this fraternity party or sorority party or something at all Corn. I'm literally in my apartment in Jackson, Mississippi. I get this call. She's like, hey, me and my friends were going to all Corn tonight for this thing. I was like, all right, no, you know, have a good time whatever. She's like, but I need to ask you something. She said, I need to know before I go here. Am I taking? I was like. I was like, I was like, are you taking? What are you saying? She was like, well, I know when I go here it's gonna be people here. Whatever. I just need to know, am I taking? I was like, you taking, You'll take it. You're absolutely taken. So that's how I know people. They probably expected something way more romantic than that. But no, it's something, and it's something. I believe this I teach, and I think that sometimes stuff will stay in the gray relationally if a person isn't assertive enough yeah, to require a person to make a decision, you know what I'm saying. So I just feel like she rushed me, rush me, because it's like, yo, it's been some months, right, but at this point you should know if you want me or not in that way. And so I just felt like I didn't feel pressure, but I realized like, yeah, I want this exclusively, so I made the decision.

00:11:31
Speaker 2: Wow, I love that.

00:11:32
Speaker 1: I think nowadays dating men are not They don't apply the pressure.

00:11:36
Speaker 2: Like they used to.

00:11:37
Speaker 1: They don't you know, I don't. I go out and men don't even come up to me really swear. I'm like, I don't know if I'm intimidating. Some people say, oh, I thought you had a man. You kind of carry yourself like you already have someone. But I was thought that when you thought that, you shouldn't be out here loose and like you can pinpoint, oh, she's definitely single, right, So.

00:11:55
Speaker 2: I was taught not to do that.

00:11:56
Speaker 1: But it's like men do not They're not intentional. They don't come to you say hey, like I would like to say know you. It's always it's almost like they want you to come up to them. And I don't know if if bo genders are now like scared of rejection.

00:12:10
Speaker 4: Yeah.

00:12:10
Speaker 6: We talk about that often when we're working with other couples and when we're talking to singles, And I think that is one of the things because even with him, honestly, well you know, you.

00:12:18
Speaker 3: Were trying to talk to somebody else, But honestly, I don't know if he.

00:12:21
Speaker 4: Wait a minute, time out. I wasn't trying to talk to someone else.

00:12:28
Speaker 2: Well, you were.

00:12:28
Speaker 3: Sitting next to my sororities.

00:12:30
Speaker 4: Oh you're right. I thought you meant when we were courted.

00:12:35
Speaker 6: Initial meeting, But even with that, you were super casual with it.

00:12:39
Speaker 3: And so I don't know.

00:12:40
Speaker 6: Some men may you know, not want to be rejected or turned down, and so and people. I felt like, at first we would tell the story, people would be like, well, it says the Bible says, who findance a wife? So you we went after him, And I'm like, well, I feel like, if it's something that you're interested in, sometimes you have to just kind.

00:12:55
Speaker 5: Of put yourself out there.

00:12:56
Speaker 6: Yes, why I did the piece of paper, and then if he's interested, then he would you know.

00:13:00
Speaker 4: Yeah, but it wasn't. Yeah, I don't feel like she was. I didn't feel like thirsty. I didn't feel any of that. It was like her making sure I knew she was interested exactly. And there are ways to do that. And I mean, and guys know you know what I mean, because guys can definitely tell when you're not giving us I don't.

00:13:18
Speaker 1: Know, because there's a few that don't.

00:13:21
Speaker 2: Yeah, either like just don't read the room or can't read like I'm not giving you any.

00:13:27
Speaker 4: Place I don't Right, they could be persistent, though.

00:13:33
Speaker 2: I'm like, no, don't go it all but the right one. We wanted to fly all the questions, the pressure.

00:13:40
Speaker 1: So yesterday in church, you said that you felt like you were called to be his help mad Yes, at what point did you I guess, like once you knew that you guys were going to be together, at what point you say, this is what I was called to do? And what did he do to make you know that? Because a lot of times I think when we look for characteristics and actions and men to be like, Okay, feel safe with this, and I'm put on nerve to help this person?

00:14:02
Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, what was it that?

00:14:03
Speaker 4: So?

00:14:03
Speaker 6: I think when we were dating, we always complimented each other, but I think it actually took years into our marriage where I actually adopted the mindset like I really was created for Darius Daniels, because.

00:14:15
Speaker 2: I feel like we're like a piece of a puzzle.

00:14:17
Speaker 6: The places that maybe I had strengths, then you know, we just compliment each other in that way. And I remember I was going through my own healing journey where I needed to be emotionally healthy. A lot of times I got a lot of my worth and value out of what I did and not necessarily who I was. And so in that process I was able to start learning who Shamika was.

00:14:37
Speaker 3: And in that I'm like.

00:14:38
Speaker 6: I am super created. Like God really created Shamika for Darius. And I mean after that revelation, because it was so bad, I would tell him, people would ask me like what do you do? And when I would say I help him in you know, helping with the business or helping with.

00:14:51
Speaker 5: The church, like okay, well what do you do for you?

00:14:53
Speaker 6: And I would feel some type of way And it's just like, as I began to really process it, I'm like, Okay, I'm a everything I do I add value to I'm like, God.

00:15:02
Speaker 5: Really brought me his life so that I can add value.

00:15:05
Speaker 6: So I'm clear that whatever Darius says he wants to do, where this jump over the moment, I am to help him get there.

00:15:13
Speaker 2: Can we take That's a real thing.

00:15:18
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of times women they're not sure if what their purpose is. For a man, I think that definitely like shows your what you've shown her because you made her feel safe and like to know that, Okay, this is what I'm here for.

00:15:32
Speaker 4: Yeah, you know, I was doing this was and it was it's a different kind of podcast, but it was. It was men, right who And there's a couple of guys and they have a slightly different view on gender roles and particular nature, right, and so they were talking about we started talking about like this idea of like helpmate, and I feel like sometimes when people say that word, at least at least in this context, they kind of reduced helpmate to like domestic duties. Feel like, that's not that's not what she does. So when she says helpmate, it's not like she sweeps floors. It means that I feel like I have a vision that is so robust it requires gifts other than mine, and so I recognize that those gifts are in her, and so she brings to the vision the things I can't bring to the vision. So she's helping me in that way, not just frying chicken. And I think, and there's nothing against that at all, right, but I think helpmate can mean different things to different people, and I think it's important for people to have the freedom to say, well, help make means for me. We're about to build this empire together, yes, yeah, or help make means for me. You know, I'm just gonna focus on raising the children or whatever that is. But I recognize that in her and straight up this is no hyperpotly whether it's on whether it's what our business is or what personal life or church, it wouldn't be what it is if she had brought her gifts to the table.

00:17:09
Speaker 1: Oh no, yeah, no, absolutely, just the fact I remember the first y'all did the pop up in Atlanta.

00:17:15
Speaker 2: Yeah, and chadla Moore he performed my little brother. He hit me and he was like, yo, sis, He's like, y'all gotta come.

00:17:22
Speaker 1: He said, I'm performing for or singing for Change Church or do the pop up pull up. I was like, all right, but love Chandler, like this kid has prayed over me, like very prophetics, feel like he knows the Lord was raised in the church.

00:17:37
Speaker 2: And I was like, all right, cool, like I'll come.

00:17:39
Speaker 1: So I came and I saw you walk in, and you know, some people just have a presence. And I was like and I never like literally had never watched you, hadn't seen you. I just knew you were heard like it was.

00:17:51
Speaker 4: Yeah.

00:17:51
Speaker 1: I was like, and I don't even remember this, but she smiled at me, and I smiled like.

00:17:55
Speaker 2: I was like, I don't know what she recognized me, but.

00:17:59
Speaker 1: You had that presence from the very first time. And that's when I was sold. And I was so happy. When you guys decided to come to Land, I was like, they're really use that was that was a great, great night.

00:18:10
Speaker 4: Lord.

00:18:11
Speaker 2: I hope they don't go somewhere else, do populist somewhere?

00:18:16
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I knew, like, yeah, you're right, Like it couldn't be what it is without you.

00:18:21
Speaker 5: And I just love what I do.

00:18:23
Speaker 6: I feel like, from day one, whatever it is we've done together, I've enjoyed doing it.

00:18:27
Speaker 2: That's I love it.

00:18:30
Speaker 1: When you guys were like first dating, what were some of the boundaries that you put into place to get this love that God intended?

00:18:38
Speaker 2: Because you clearly have the love the way God intended.

00:18:41
Speaker 4: Yeah, I feel like we learned a lot on by experimentation. You know. I feel like both of my parents, Like I was, I was texting my dad on the way here. I was like, Yo, how long y'all been married? I just wanted to because today it's her parents forty fifth anniversary. That's crazy y'all been married and it's like their forty fifth is in September.

00:19:04
Speaker 1: Wow.

00:19:04
Speaker 4: And so anyway, I'm like, man, they've been married a long time. They got married young.

00:19:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, but.

00:19:14
Speaker 4: I have no backstory, no guidance. I saw the marriage. I saw nothing about the day.

00:19:19
Speaker 2: Wow.

00:19:20
Speaker 4: So a lot of that was just kind of experiment, Yeah, how good are we? How okay do we need to day in public? Like do we need to stay in public or not? Like, Okay, can we netflix and chill and chill? I don't know, I don't know. Yeah, It's like we had we kind of like tried out. I was like, okay, I don't know if we can chill and chill?

00:19:46
Speaker 6: Like me to a church, I'm going to say who it was, Yeah, viable service for our first day.

00:19:55
Speaker 4: No, no, no, that was Second Date. Was the movie we watched. Remember that movie? Because I had to get some balance balance in my life at that point. It was it was a little weird, like yo, my pastor college was like listen, she told me I went to church for the day.

00:20:22
Speaker 3: But you know what we did do is we submitted to counsels.

00:20:24
Speaker 6: Because he understood that guy had a calling on his life early and we just kind of didn't know what to do. And so we had a pastor there in Mississippi where he talked to him like, hey, you know, I'm interested in d Jamiica and we want to do this the right way.

00:20:37
Speaker 2: So we were coached through.

00:20:38
Speaker 4: That helped us. Yeah, we got we got coaching while we recorded.

00:20:42
Speaker 2: That's good and so that was for us.

00:20:46
Speaker 4: Yeah.

00:20:47
Speaker 2: Wow, because a lot of people don't have it. We are literally figuring it out and making mistakes.

00:20:52
Speaker 3: As I'm an advocate for that.

00:20:53
Speaker 2: I love it. Wow, Oh my goodness.

00:20:58
Speaker 1: I wish a lot of people more people had the council while dating.

00:21:01
Speaker 2: You ly don't get the counsel to decide you'renna be married.

00:21:04
Speaker 4: Yeah, you know, And like we come across from data, like one out of four couples who even get it primarily find it effective because what most of them need as a couple if they're just starting off, is coaching. What they need individually is counseling. You see what I'm saying. So it's like we're doing marriage counselor it's like they kind of have been married long enough to cause trauma to each other. Right, but they've gone through their own trauma individually, and because of that, they need to do that individual work in therapy to get back to a baseline, and then unique coaching on how to actually bring those two lives together. And I just think, I don't know, I was broke. I was, you know, trying to figure it out when we were dating. But I was very clear, like in terms of my vision for my life, and I knew because it's just some stuff I saw growing up, how bad relationships make it really hard have a good life. Yes, So super early on, I was like, Yo, we need some help with this because it's like I can't be in my doing room, not able to go to class because I'm crying over I got stuff to do. So we got we got to make sure this is right. So we kind of went. We went hard, we did earlier.

00:22:19
Speaker 3: I expectations early on.

00:22:21
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, I was like I might be broke. Like it was like it was all of that, like can you handle that? Could you could potentially make more money than me? Are you think less of me because of that?

00:22:30
Speaker 2: Yeah?

00:22:30
Speaker 4: It was like that, And you.

00:22:31
Speaker 6: Talk to me about even what you expected of me, like you know, in a woman Okay, so that was interesting.

00:22:37
Speaker 4: We just we just you just tell all of the businesses. It wasn't that she's referring to this one thing because she had like some sorority sisters that maybe manage their emotions a bit differently. So me, I just kind of we were having a conversation. I was like, Hey, I'm never going to raise my voice at you. You don't have to raise your voice at me. And then y'all just went down the list. I'm never gonna cut your tires, so I'm not gonna I didn't have a water bed. But there was an instance where somebody, not herh somebody cut somebody. I'm not gonna cut. So it was like it was that that's what she was reversed.

00:23:21
Speaker 6: But it was a lot of communication though, and so we did get to know each other. And that's one of the things that we teach couples even when they're dating now that when you're dating, it's like the process of gathering data. That's one of the things he always says, dating means gathering data. When you get to the point where you've gathered enough data and you feel like maybe they're the one, that's when.

00:23:38
Speaker 3: You ask the question am I taking or not?

00:23:40
Speaker 5: Are you ready for that?

00:23:41
Speaker 6: So we did a really good job with just getting to know each other and to gather data.

00:23:46
Speaker 2: I think that's really important, getting to know each other.

00:23:49
Speaker 1: And that's for me, Like when I do start dating sort of getting to know someone, my main thing is like I want to be their best friend, Like because the way I treat my best home guy r homeboy, Like I don't just know judgment, it's like I ride for you. I want that in a relationship as well, you know, and if you don't take the time to cultivate that, it's not gonna work.

00:24:08
Speaker 4: Only best friends can keep vows.

00:24:11
Speaker 2: Wow, y'all can we say that again?

00:24:13
Speaker 4: Only best friends can love love. Being a lover alone does not get you through better or worse, rich or poor, sickness and in health.

00:24:24
Speaker 2: Only best friends. Wow, that's good. That's a good nigga. That's my takeaway already. I got my takeaway for this episode. What are like okay and dating for?

00:24:34
Speaker 1: If you were giving advice to young women, what is something or that are green flags to give a woman? Because I know you have the spirit of discerning that our induition that guy has already given us. But what are some green flags for young men that they should look for in women and that men should look for and or that, Yeah, to know, like if you were telling me, because like this is what these are things you need to look for to know that this man is like on the right.

00:24:56
Speaker 2: These are green because you got red flags. You got green flags?

00:24:58
Speaker 1: Yeah, man, do I run towards him?

00:25:01
Speaker 2: Or do I run away?

00:25:03
Speaker 4: So here would be a few things. I just did this thing where it was like we joke about this. If I had a daughter.

00:25:10
Speaker 2: I've been following, Yeah, that's coming up to you.

00:25:12
Speaker 4: Yeah, be upset about that stuff. I would tell her. She would be on game like.

00:25:20
Speaker 5: That.

00:25:21
Speaker 2: That's what I got daughter.

00:25:22
Speaker 5: She's like watching, She's like, I got it.

00:25:24
Speaker 4: I know what to do.

00:25:24
Speaker 2: It's so good reals that you've been doing right.

00:25:29
Speaker 4: So but anyway, like I would say, just a couple of everybody, you got your you have your preferences. I would say to a women, you got your preferences as a woman, and so it's okay to have those preferences, but it's it's important to be clear on what your standards are, right, and so standards not the ceiling, that's the floor. That's like yo, this is the least I'm take you. Yeah, it's like, yeah, this is a non negotiable and so your preferences can be negotiable, your standards shouldn't be and then the standards determine what inflex right. So let's say, like I would you know, I would say in terms of standard, if you're talking long term relationship with a man, you need to know is he responsible? You know what I mean? Like, is he responsible? Not just you know, is he a hard worker? Is he responsible? Does that mean? Because that lets me know I can trust him. I mean, he's going to be responsible with business, but he's also going to be responsible in his decisions because he knows how these decisions affect me. So I know, certain decisions I make, it doesn't just affect me, It affects her, It affects my kids. If I do something stupid, it affects my business, all those kinds of things. So I would say responsible. It's going to be one two. And this is what I'm not talking about emotionally. I'm not talking about like being hyper emotional here, but empathy.

00:26:52
Speaker 2: Yes, if he.

00:26:54
Speaker 4: Doesn't have empathy, he will never be able to meet your emotional needs. If not he's going to be judging your needs and you should feel that way or instead of getting a sense of like what does this person actually need? Because we put it this way, it's like, if you're not gonna be my relational needs, what you're telling me is you can only shop in one store, but I'm not gonna put what you need on the shelf. So I'm gonna say responsible. It needs to have needs to be there, needs to be empathy. I think the person needs to have ethics. Yes, yeah, like they need to have a standard. I don't want just a person that won't lie to me.

00:27:32
Speaker 5: I want a person that just don't lie period.

00:27:36
Speaker 4: Yeah. So I like and I think those are probably the top three.

00:27:42
Speaker 6: And so I think if I was talking to a woman about all of this, I would first say, you need to know what you want for you. I wish I had known, which you know, God he strategically put us together, But if I had known who Shamika was early on and what I needed, I felt like I could have communicated things differently with him and would have just giving us a jump start and in our relationship.

00:28:02
Speaker 5: So I would probably first by.

00:28:03
Speaker 6: Saying to any woman, know what you need, even on an emotional because I feel like we have this checklist. You know, you got to have good credit, you gotta have this much money in a bank, those type of things. But I'm like, let's think about emotionally what you need to like, do you need someone that's going to affirm you? Do you need someone that's going to be affectionate to you? And that way, when you have this emotional list too, as you're gathering data, you're asking the right type of questions and see if this is the right type of person for you. So I would kind of say your list or your list has what it truly of what you need, and then based off of that, I would say, okay, these are green flags. So like, if I'm big on family, then I'm asking questions during the dating process, how's your relationship with your family? What do y'all do during holidays? So if this person is doing none of that and they're not open to it, that's a real yes, right, So I would kind of gage it in that way.

00:28:52
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love it.

00:28:53
Speaker 1: I love it because for me, like telling a business, now, that's what you're for.

00:29:03
Speaker 2: I really want to know my business.

00:29:05
Speaker 1: So there recently I was my should we had as a team of prayer and my realtor was there and she had posted me on her story and this young woman had a dream that me and her brother got married, and she she woke up and saw me on her friend's store and she was like, do you know this girl? She was like, I had a dream to her and my brother were together. So my friend she's like, let me see what you look like. So she sends me everything is like Instagram, what you got to see the perception first, So she's like, oh, yeah.

00:29:34
Speaker 2: She's single.

00:29:37
Speaker 1: So then she sent it to me and she's like, he's interested in you, and I was like, yeah, send in my number. But yeah, and like we're talking and have so many similarities and raised too. He was raised my pastors, so he's like he knows his sister's like, don't let him feel you know the word too, And I'm like okay. But it was a situation where like he's like, y'all need to get back in church because COVID really kind of got people used to just sitting at home watching it versus getting coming back in which is I love that we are back in church in the house, just with like minded people who are in alignment.

00:30:12
Speaker 2: But I'm looking wondering.

00:30:13
Speaker 1: Like okay as I navigate this, because I'm like, okay, lord, I just feel like this is my years from this.

00:30:18
Speaker 2: I feel like I was bringing my husband, you know.

00:30:21
Speaker 1: And people like kind of like when I bought this house, they were like, why are you buying this house? Like you're never going to find a man, like like it was gonna be intimidating for someone else.

00:30:29
Speaker 2: And I was like, well, I'm forty.

00:30:30
Speaker 1: I'm not going to keep waiting on him to come, like if he don't ever come, I'm gonna live where I want to exactly. And so as I navigate this water, so if you could tell me as little sis and that it's not that we're not that far apart.

00:30:45
Speaker 2: But like.

00:30:47
Speaker 1: Little sis, because I noticed you're doing the what I would tell my daughter as I'm navigating this, because I aesthetically this man is fine, yes for fine, And I'm like, come on, lord, yes, and we have so many similarities and we're gonna get continue to get to know each other. But as I navigate this, what would you tell me? Like it's just his advice, like hey, sis, this is what you should do, if this is why you really like this is how you should like navigate this.

00:31:15
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think I would. I would tell you let me keep it a buck, right, Yeah, okay, listen, I would say, I want you to be super clear on what you feel like you have to have in a relationship to be fulfilled, and whether or not he is actually demonstrating some of that versus whether or not you are falling for what might just be potential.

00:32:07
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's good.

00:32:10
Speaker 4: I think you should see potential, But you don't fall in love with right, You need to you want to fall in love with the and so. And when I'm talking about potential, I'm not talking about like career or anything like that. Of course it takes time, but like how do we put it? We put it so it's like your needs need to automatically be his values. So for example, if she needs affirmation, I need to value affirment. That way is always going to be organic for me and it's not going to be something I have to put on and she is not going to have to live with wondering am I gonna get it this week? You know what I'm saying. So I don't know what I think those needs are different for everybody, Like, yo, what what do I really need in a relationship? And then when I look at him, it's like, does he just kind of do that automatically? And if so, I would be like, Yeah, that's a that's a that's a proceed, that's a dream. And if it's not there yet, it doesn't mean it's a red light. It's just me it's a yellow light, right, Yeah, is he gonna have to Is he gonna have to to try to do this? Of course he's gonna have to learn how to do it the way you need it. Yeah, but he's got a value and then it will be organic and automatic. That's that's to me, that's the most.

00:33:32
Speaker 6: Important, and that's what's helped us because we and we talk about this, we do check in, So we believe in doing check ins often just to see how we're doing with our needs, like emotionally, how you're doing. But then even I believe in when I'm working with couples, I tell him like every quarter, like our lives are changing so much.

00:33:47
Speaker 5: As we we get halfway.

00:33:48
Speaker 6: Through the year, we want something totally different, right, affirm my life. I feel like I need more more affection in this season. That's what I tell him, and so we kind of I believe, like every quarter, do a whole check in, talk about really what it is that you need just.

00:34:10
Speaker 3: In this moment.

00:34:11
Speaker 6: You may be dealing with things or going through shows and you might just need a little more affection or a little more affirmation. So I'm big on doing the check ins. And this is all a part of communication, and it's going to even help the relationship even the more.

00:34:22
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, now you spoke on something about basic kind of loving each other the way you need to be loved. Did that all come from communicating just basic communication like this is what I need?

00:34:32
Speaker 2: Or was that trial and error? Like did you?

00:34:34
Speaker 1: Were you ever not getting what you needed and like like hey, this is what I need?

00:34:38
Speaker 4: Right, Yes, it's all the time.

00:34:41
Speaker 5: And I think it's because we didn't know like a lot of this stuff. We had to teach ourselves.

00:34:45
Speaker 6: So, yes, we had somebody that coached us in the dating, but once we jumped in the marriage, we were twenty two.

00:34:50
Speaker 3: Yeah, young, Yeah, we were young.

00:34:52
Speaker 4: Yeah, so at that age you don't know you enough. Well, we didn't know us. We didn't know us enough to be able to even articulate to another person what we need, which and I know this sounds easy for us to say, but I wish people would trust us a little bit more when we say this, when people feel like, yo, I'm so behind schedule and I wish I would be married about now, and I'm just like, your experience is going to be so much better because all the years we spent getting to know ourselves, it was also years we spent doing some damage to each other that we had to heal right, and that that can be really it could be really tough. And when a person is a little bit older and they've done the work and they know who they are, they know what they need, you start light years ahead of where we've actually started. Anything more blissful, and your relationship can be like a like an airplane takeoff as opposed to a roller coaster when you do it. When we did it, it was like it's a roller coaster ups and downs because there's some things we just didn't know about each other. So there's some experimentation and then there's like some honest conversations. So like, we've been working on this thing we call it relationships on censor.

00:36:15
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm ready to get it. In relationships, I can.

00:36:18
Speaker 4: But it's like couples, and I think, yeah, our lean is like yo, not uncensored in terms of hurting each other, but you gotta be usensory area. So like those check ins, it's like it's not brutal, but it's just like yo, we say like instead of saying how am I doing, it's like how we say your emotions are like cups? How your cups?

00:36:41
Speaker 5: As I love.

00:36:44
Speaker 4: My affirmation cup is a little low, but you gotta if it's low, she's got to say it's low instead of trying to spare my feelings. Relationship, so we just I feel like the unsensored communication is the is the key that's helped us so much.

00:37:00
Speaker 6: So and then I know for us too, because we were so young, we had to read a lot. We have read so much material and it was taken it and tried this with one person said what somebody else saying?

00:37:09
Speaker 5: So now get a combination, right, I'm.

00:37:11
Speaker 2: The same way. All these type of relationship books I have.

00:37:15
Speaker 1: It's crazy, like I've read books like it was one book that like how to get a man or so how to keep from like all these things women should do.

00:37:24
Speaker 2: I've read. I've read The Weight, I've read every single book that I.

00:37:27
Speaker 1: Can tell me in different ways how to keep from me, and I will, like I feel like turning forty, there was times in my thirties I felt like I was behind the mark, like career was going great, and I look around, like, Lord, I have everything I want.

00:37:43
Speaker 2: Where is the love? You know? And like, I know I have love in me.

00:37:46
Speaker 1: I give it to everybody that I'm around, But where is my person? And there are times where I would get discouraged, Like I would walk into my room and all the pillows been lined up on one side of the bed where somebody else should be, and I'm just like, is this my life right?

00:38:00
Speaker 4: You know?

00:38:00
Speaker 2: And it gets discouraging, it really does.

00:38:03
Speaker 1: And I think now once I hit forty, I hit a place where clarity. I'm talking about extreme clarity and what I want in therapy, healing and unlearning a lot of things. And I think, now I'm realizing, I know everything's in God's timing, but it's also knowing like you're saying you've learned, you have learned so much and be a lot of years ahead when you are a little late to the game, or if you think you're gonna be right on time, and even with my crow, like I know how I am. Like, Guy's like, no, you need to focus on this right now because I know if I bring somebody in, you're gonna be a.

00:38:36
Speaker 2: Little distracted, because that's like what you need.

00:38:41
Speaker 1: I never want my person to feel neglected, like and I put a lot of other things back.

00:38:46
Speaker 2: To make sure they're good right right right now.

00:38:47
Speaker 1: So I feel like a part of that is because he knows the right time.

00:38:53
Speaker 2: But I feel like the time is coming. I feel like it's drawing here time. It's been an amazing start. And even my manager, Donor, she was just like she said it was something at the top of the year. I just feel it.

00:39:04
Speaker 1: She was like, this is going to be an incredible year for you, and she was like, I feel you're gonna find your husband, like business, everything's.

00:39:09
Speaker 2: Just going to like explode. And I feel that too.

00:39:13
Speaker 1: It's off to a great start, but I'm still trying to like figure out this whole dating thing and trying to like it down.

00:39:23
Speaker 6: I think what I would probably say is so with the data, yes, you're learning each other, you're gathering data. But I think when I had the revelation of and it's some of the stuff we probably read, and it's in scriptures, how it talks about a husband and wife, how you're supposed to meet each other's needs when we start leaning into communication first and learning each other's needs. And so my number one goal is to meet his needs and his his mine. I felt like it just did something new for our relationship.

00:39:46
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:39:47
Speaker 2: I love it.

00:39:48
Speaker 1: I want to know for you, guys, what is like the definition of love the way God into it for you too?

00:39:54
Speaker 4: So for me, it's going to be a couple of things. And well, let me tell you what I mean, what I think about when you say that, right, I think about this. The creator of a thing knows how to get the best out of it. So because for me, this whole idea of love and relationships is God's idea. Doing it his way. Isn't just about Yo, I want to do this because it's right unquote right in the sense, but like I want to do it this way because it's wise. It just makes sense to listen to the person that kind of created it, you know. And so for me what that means practically, And I know people some people have a problem with this, but it's like some people talk about like the term servant leadership. It's like for me with my wife, is I'm a servant lover and by that is, what are the relational needs that God intended to be met in the context of marriage? There are like, there are certain things that only I can do emotionally and relationally for her. Yes, and so saying part of my job as a husband is to do those things. Yeah, that is like, Yo, that is love God's way. This is love is he intended?

00:41:17
Speaker 2: Absolutely?

00:41:17
Speaker 4: Yeah, So it's a I mean, I said a couple of things, but you know, I'm a speaker, so I go, I say too much.

00:41:22
Speaker 2: So that's so good. That's good.

00:41:25
Speaker 6: And I would ded all that because it goes all back to the scriptures where in marriage it talks about a husband is supposed to satisfy his wife and vice versa wife satisfy her husband. So that's I believe if you meet each other's needs, you keep God in the foundation as a foundation, then I believe the marriage can be everything that God has called it to be.

00:41:41
Speaker 1: Yeah, what do you feel like love the way God intended in a dating pace for people who aren't married yet.

00:41:47
Speaker 4: Yep, So a couple of things. So one is obviously the it's the gathering the data, and that is Okay, what are my standards and what are my needs? And do I feel like this person meets them organically? Now, once that's taking place, it's about to be a little controversial. Okay, We're about to get a little controversial once you kind of feel like I got a green light here, and when I say green light, meaning okay, I feel safe investing fully emotionally. I don't think you should be reckless emotionally, but like, okay, I'm going all in emotionally here. I feel like the same patterns and not the same but similar the similar way you would serve relational needs when you married, you practice that when you're dating, right, Yeah, so I think it's just that I know it is. Yeah, that's controversial. Wait a minute, so I'm not saying everything right, of course, there are certain things that should be reserved for marriage. Yet at the same time, it's like, I you, so you're gonna wait until the ring before you practice meeting her needs? You know what I mean? Like, you're gonna wait because I know you think when you say I do, you can just the switch and it takes it to another level and it's like no, not really. So I believe it's kind of like dating is great practice, and it's not just if it's loved God's way, then it can show up in the dating phase and in the marriage phase.

00:43:20
Speaker 2: Thank you guys so much. We are going to get to the part of the show where we.

00:43:24
Speaker 1: Have positive outcomes and this is where the fans write in and we kind.

00:43:29
Speaker 2: Of give them advice.

00:43:30
Speaker 1: So this one says, I've had a boyfriend for five years.

00:43:34
Speaker 2: We live together and have a child together.

00:43:36
Speaker 1: I'm having a hard time deciding whether or not we should be together because we're five years in with a baby and he has not proposed.

00:43:43
Speaker 2: We've talked about marriage.

00:43:45
Speaker 1: He says he wants to be married, but he's not ready because he wants to make sure we're financially secure before doing So what should I do?

00:43:52
Speaker 2: We really just kind of tech it. We really just talked about this.

00:43:57
Speaker 4: You know, if I was talking to her, one of the things I would tell it is like, I want you to give your self permission to define too long.

00:44:05
Speaker 1: For you, because nobody can define that.

00:44:09
Speaker 4: You know what season of life you're in, you know the kind of investment that you've made in the relationship, and how you try to show yourself to be a person that wants to spend the rest of your life with this person, and at some point you have to decide, you have to accept that I can't control another person. The only person I can control is me, And you have to set a boundary because I don't know if there's anything she can do besides assuring him that money's not an issue for her to make him change his mind. So if I had a daughter, I would tell her. I wouldn't say give it another year, give it two years. I was like, when you feel like you've had enough, then that's the right time, like.

00:45:00
Speaker 1: Put on you what their talent is, like why are you Like I'm sure her friends may be like, girl, why are you still with him? Or why are you waiting this long? But that's their timeline that may not be hers. And I feel like society and our peers put that pressure on us to like, oh, then you start pressuring your guy, like, so, what are you gonna do this? Because I'm embarrassed because everybody else thinks we should have done this by now.

00:45:19
Speaker 2: Right.

00:45:19
Speaker 3: Yeah, so that's good.

00:45:21
Speaker 2: How do you feel about that?

00:45:22
Speaker 1: No?

00:45:22
Speaker 6: No, so I do agree. I believe that she does have to set her own boundaries. But I know also sometimes with guys, they want to get it because we're portraying this lifestyle that we want to live and they feel like they have to have enough to.

00:45:36
Speaker 4: Keep up with it.

00:45:37
Speaker 6: Yeah, So in assuring him, I would assure him and I would live in that way to show right now like I'm good, I just want you and we don't have to ever have anything else, and I'm good. But I would make sure that I'm living that as well if that's the true issue, because that might not be.

00:45:51
Speaker 2: The true issue.

00:45:51
Speaker 4: Yeah, A lot of times I don't feel like women are putting that pressure. Sometimes they are, but a lot of times you've been with them five years, you probably not putting that kind of pressure on them monetarily. But ma'am, we do put that pressure on ourselves.

00:46:05
Speaker 5: Okay.

00:46:05
Speaker 1: So we are coming to the clothes, and we like to end it with keep it blank, sweety, and you fill in the blank with something that resonated from the podcast. So I'll start with let me see because there's so many nuggets. Good Lord, I would say, keep it honest, sweety, Keep it honest, because you have to be honest with each other.

00:46:30
Speaker 6: Yeah, So that's what I was gonna say.

00:46:34
Speaker 3: I can come up with a couple more.

00:46:37
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm gonna say, I don't know, y'all gonna wonder where I got this this one from. Yeah. No, but I mean it. I mean it. I'm gonna say, keep it spicy, sweet, I like it. Yeah, I think, Yeah, I think some of the conversations need to be edgy. I mean, keep it uncensored. I mean spicy in the sense that things that you are feeling that are positive and passionate, articulating those things. Yeah. And I'm just speaking from a man's perspective, because the thirty year old man still need to hear with a three year old boy, Oh you know how you three year old boys like, look at your look at the muscles, and he starts flexing his muscles. It affects the thirty year old man the same way he just done visibly flex He's flexing internally. So he needs to hear those things. So she will do that. So I walk in the room and she'll make a noise.

00:47:31
Speaker 7: You know sometimes like it will be at church, and I'm like, wait, you know what I mean? Yeah, Yeah, I'm like, we need that.

00:47:44
Speaker 4: That's spicy.

00:47:47
Speaker 2: I love it.

00:47:48
Speaker 6: I would probably say so, I really want to say honest, but I will say keep it real, and I will say real within you, like, you need to know what you want and be able to communicate what you want. And so I think if you're being honest and real in the relationship, then it's gonna it's going to just help so many different things. And I think when we start being something else other than who we truly are, then that's where everything goes left.

00:48:08
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's good.

00:48:08
Speaker 1: So we want you guys to keep it honest, keep it real, and keep it spicy.

00:48:15
Speaker 2: That's so good. I love it.

00:48:17
Speaker 1: So I just want to thank you guys so much for coming and thank you guys for tuning in. I hope you enjoyed this episode of Keep it Positive, Sweetie.

00:48:24
Speaker 2: And make sure you guys continue to keep it positive.

00:48:26
Speaker 1: I love you, guys, and I hope you got so much out of this as I did.

00:48:32
Speaker 2: You