176 | Trusting the Child's Innate Wisdom: Two More Core Principles of Effective Child-Centered Play Therapists

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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Your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class and child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode, we are continuing with the summer school series

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and we are working through the principles

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reflecting the essential personality

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characteristics of effective play therapists

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in Innovations in Play Therapy, edited by Garry Landreth.

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So we have gotten through the first three

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and we are now moving into principles four and five. Today.

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The fourth

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is being sensitive to the child's feelings and reflecting those

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feelings in a way that helps the child develop understanding.

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And the fifth is the therapist believing

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deeply in the child's ability to act responsibly

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and solving personal problems and allowing the child to do so.

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So if you'll notice,

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I'm going to go into these in depth and read specifically from the text.

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But if you'll notice this is reflective of two of

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the four pillars of the child-centered play therapy model.

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So we have the reflecting feeling skill

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and we have the choice giving and returning of responsibility

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in the fifth. So you can see how now some skills are also being referenced

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in the way that we interact from a principled perspective

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and allow that to become part of our personality

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traits in interacting with kids in a child-centered playroom.

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So we're going to read a little bit from each of these sections.

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So I am again in Innovations in Play Therapy: Issues,

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Process and Special Populations

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edited by Landreth.

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And I'm reading on page 26 for the fourth principle and 27 for the fifth principle.

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So in its total description,

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the fourth principle is that the therapist

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is always sensitive to the child's feelings

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and gently reflects those feelings in such a

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manner that the child develops self understanding.

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So before we get into the

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specific details of that, let's spend a little bit of time unpacking.

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Just the principle itself.

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One of the major responsibilities we have as a child-centered play therapist

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is to serve as the bridge between the head and the heart for a child.

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And what I mean by that is

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children live in their hearts. They are emotionally driven

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and they are completely consumed by the here

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and now feeling of whatever they're experiencing.

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So therefore we understand they're not rational,

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they don't have abstract reasoning,

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they're not going to cognitively process anything.

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So what happens is they are in their feelings, living in their heart

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by the way related aside,

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that's why we don't ask questions because questions put kids

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in their heads and they live in their hearts.

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So that creates an internal war.

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Ok. So along the same vein

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as a child is feeling something,

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the fourth principle says that we are always sensitive to the child's feelings.

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Why?

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Because children's feelings are always valid, even if behavior is unacceptable.

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And so we're always sensitive to the child's

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feelings and then we gently reflect those feelings.

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Why?

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So that the child develops self understanding, how does that happen?

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They don't have the cognition

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to connect what's going on. They're just feeling what's going on.

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So when we say

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you're so surprised that that popped out of there,

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they now have a cognitive piece

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to connect to the emotional experience

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and that allows them to develop self understanding.

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This is why the reflecting feeling skill is so powerful.

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Yes, it builds an emotional vocabulary. Yes, it builds self control.

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Yes, emotional IQ is formed. There's a lot of other benefits too.

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But biggest picture,

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it

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is the bridge between the cognitive and the emotional.

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All right. So let's read a little bit of the description here on page 26.

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So it starts by saying adults rarely attempt

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to comprehend the subjective world of children.

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And that's true.

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Kids are dismissed, ignored, hushed,

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commanded, dictated. They, they don't get a lot of adult

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goodness in many scenarios.

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So adults rarely attempt to comprehend the subjective world of children. Yet

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until that private world is accepted and understood.

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Children are not free to explore,

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to share their struggles or to change.

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There's, there's what all of what we do is predicated on.

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If the child's private world is not accepted and understood,

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they're never free to explore, share their struggles or to change.

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That's self actualization.

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Go back to Rogers. Let's think back to the core conditions.

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Let's think back to what he mentioned about the relationship

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and the fact that people want to change.

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But there has to be a relationship and environment that allows for it.

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Well, if a child's private world isn't accepted and understood,

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they are incapable of doing so.

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Ok, very important.

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So once we realize that to continue

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to perceive that private world of the child, the therapist must listen intently,

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not only to what is being said,

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but also to the way it is voiced and to what is left unsaid,

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there's the non verbal component of reflecting feelings.

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Continuing the play therapist pays attention to the messages.

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The child communicates

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through activity and behavior.

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A child is always communicating to us.

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It's usually not verbally,

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but through their activity and behavior and their non verbals,

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they communicate volumes.

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So it's our job to be alert to those.

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So continuing, the therapist is alert to recognize feelings,

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the child is expressing through play or conversation

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and attempts to reflect these feelings accurately to the child

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first pillar,

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we reflect feelings.

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OK. Continuing

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the play

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therapist must maintain a high level of

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emotional connection and participation with the child.

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In order to enter into the child's private world with sensitivity,

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the therapist acts as a mirror reflecting the child's thoughts and feelings.

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Through this careful reflection,

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the child can begin to understand his or her attitudes and perceptions

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and in time change them.

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Wow,

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that is

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self actualization in a paragraph.

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So

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teasing apart components,

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we maintain high emotional connection and participation

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so that we can enter into the child's world with sensitivity,

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then we mirror back to them,

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their thoughts and feelings so that they can begin

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to understand attitudes and perceptions and change them.

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That's the beauty of the child-centered model.

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Ok. And then continuing,

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the therapist works hard to understand the child's world

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to recognize the child's feelings

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and to allow the child to express those feelings,

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sensitive understanding

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takes place to the degree that the therapist is able to release her or his

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own reality and expectations and enter with

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appreciation into the world of the child.

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Hm, let me read that again.

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That's a doozy.

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So in a good way, sensitive understanding takes place to the degree

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that the therapist is able to release her or his own reality and expectations

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and enter with appreciation into the world of the child.

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Ok. That harkens us back to

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our earlier principle.

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The the

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second principle,

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the therapist experiences unqualified acceptance of the child and does

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not wish that the child were different in some way.

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All right. So when we understand

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that

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we do not want the child to be any different than what they are.

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We don't want them to feel anything different than what they feel.

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Act any different way than how they act, think any differently than how they think

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we have to get our own

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reality and expectations out of the way

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and

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we have to have sensitive understanding,

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but that only takes place to the degree that we can get our own stuff out of the way.

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Do you see that

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this is why child-centered play therapy is so hard? Y'all

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be so proud. I hope you are so incredibly, deeply proud

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of doing this for a living

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and the investment that it takes and the skill that it takes

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and the work that it takes.

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I hope that that fulfills you at such a deep level that you are pouring so much into

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your skills so that you can pour into kids

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and help them to become better versions of themselves.

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I,

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if that doesn't make you feel like you fulfilled your reason for being on the earth,

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I don't know what could.

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So we get ourselves out of the way and then

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we enter with appreciation into the world of the child

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and then continuing in this regard,

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effective play therapists have a high tolerance for ambiguity

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which allows them to enter the child's world as a follower.

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If you have an issue with ambiguity

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that needs to be at the top of your prayer list.

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Lord,

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please help me to be better with ambiguity so that I can be better at my job

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so that I can be better for kids so

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that kids can become better versions of themselves.

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Oh, my.

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We have to have a high tolerance for ambiguity so

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that we can enter the child's world as a follower.

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So important. Ok.

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That was a good one. Wow. All right.

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Fifth principle,

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the therapist believes deeply in the child's capacity to act responsibly

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unwaveringly respects the child's ability to solve personal problems

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and allows the child to do so.

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OK. So this is kind of a

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three piece here.

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So we believe deeply in the child's capacity to act responsibly

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that is assuming the best.

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Secondly,

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they unwaveringly respect the child's ability to solve personal problems

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that is providing them freedom and autonomy and knowing that they can handle it.

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And third, allowing the child to do so,

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giving them the space.

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All right. So let me read from this section

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on page 27.

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Play therapy concentrates on the child as a growing and ever changing person.

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The play therapist believes that the child is constantly striving

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to make sense of his or her often confusing world.

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Isn't that at the root of so many of the issues that come into our playrooms,

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kids are trying to make sense of confusion in their world

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in 100 different ways.

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The world is extremely confusing

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and kids are just trying to make sense of the confusion.

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Ok. Continuing, the therapist trusts

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that the child's inborn motivation is

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toward health independence and self actualization

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and believes that the child has the capacity within himself to become more mature

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if given the opportunity.

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I literally just talked about all that, right?

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So this is what we believe. Everything hinges back to that.

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Ok.

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The play therapist knows that healthy children must be problem solvers

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and communicates an inner faith in the child's ability to work out his own problems,

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to recover

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and to adapt.

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Let me read that again.

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The play therapist knows that healthy children

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must be problem solvers

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and communicates an inner faith in the child's ability to work out his own problems,

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to recover and to adapt.

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This is why we provide choices, this is why we esteem build, this is why we encourage,

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we are communicating ad nauseum,

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you are capable,

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you are competent.

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I trust you, you can trust yourself. I believe in you, you can believe in yourself

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because inherently we know that you have to be a problem solver

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to be a healthy child.

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Incredible. Ok. Continuing, the play therapist sees the individual as important,

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capable and dependable

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and helps the child become independent

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by allowing the child to assume responsibility for making decisions and choices,

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choice giving pillar.

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The therapist does not try to make things happen

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or pressure the child to change.

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We don't speed up the process. We don't make suggestions,

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we don't hint at things,

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we don't nudge a child in a direction.

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We don't try to make things happen or pressure the child to change

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the decision to change or not to change behavior

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always remains with the child.

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Ok. That's the end of that section of the book.

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However, I'm going to add lib a little bit here.

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The decision to change or not to change behavior always remains with the child.

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However,

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if we believe everything we've already talked about,

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and if we embody these five principles, we've already talked about.

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And if we go back to Roger's core conditions

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and we understand the process of self actualization,

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then the child will inevitably choose to change.

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So while that sounds very

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nebulous and undecided,

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the decision to change or not to change, behavior always remains with the child,

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I can see a parent or a critic or an adult that does not understand this model saying,

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well, then the child would just choose not to change.

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And then why, why can you even say that this is going to work?

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If the child gets to make the decision of whether or

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not to change or not and they just choose not to,

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then we're right where we started.

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Well,

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let's talk about all the things we've already talked about.

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And in light of those things,

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we know that the child will

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always

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choose to change

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because

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they want to self actualize, they want to be the best version of themselves.

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No one stays stuck in maladaptive behaviors.

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If they have the time, the tools and the opportunity,

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the relationship and the environment

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which allows them to move out of it.

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So are there conditions that are required?

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Of course, just like the core conditions with Rogers, client centered? Right?

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Does a relationship need to exist? Yes.

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Does the environment need to be appropriate? Yes, that's why we have a playroom.

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But with all of those factors,

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the child will inevitably choose to change.

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So fifth principle, we believe deeply in the child's capacity.

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So let me try that again.

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The therapist believes deeply in the child's capacity to act responsibly

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unwaveringly respects the child's ability to solve personal problems and

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allows the child to do so because they will.

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All right y'all,

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I hope that encourages you this week. We're halfway there. These are gold nuggets.

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Oh my gosh. I, I know this stuff and I teach this stuff but just

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diving into it and really processing it and working through it.

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It's just, it makes me excited and it makes me

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so humbly grateful

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to have this as a career. I,

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I can't tell you the number of days

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that I think to myself,

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I get

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to play with kids

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and watch them evolve

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and it's my job

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and yes, part of my job is to coach and train and you know,

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do all kinds of things with therapists too.

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But in a playroom with a child,

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what an incredible

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space

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to say. This is what I do for a living

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and I'm, I'm honored and blessed to feel that

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that's the gift that I've been given. So

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I hope you feel the same. I hope, you know how much I love you.

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I hope you have a great week. We'll talk again soon. Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr

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Brenna Hicks. For more episodes and resources.

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Please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.