#12 Jesse

Hi, how are you. 0:00:05.519 --> 0:00:09.320 I'm updating all my contacts and my iPhone. Yes, okay, 0:00:09.320 --> 0:00:12.879 and I just have you down as Jackie. Yeah, and 0:00:12.880 --> 0:00:15.360 it makes me realize I don't actually know your full 0:00:15.440 --> 0:00:18.120 name is? What is Jackie short for? 0:00:19.760 --> 0:00:20.840 It's short for Jackie. 0:00:22.160 --> 0:00:25.520 No, but I mean, like what Jackie, Jacqueline. 0:00:25.079 --> 0:00:28.480 Jacqueline No, John, it's short for Jackie. And you know 0:00:28.520 --> 0:00:30.120 that because you've known me since I'm five? 0:00:30.960 --> 0:00:32.760 Why do I have in my mind that the full 0:00:32.840 --> 0:00:38.080 name is jack Arandack jack Arondack Cohen. And what's your 0:00:38.080 --> 0:00:38.680 middle name? 0:00:38.880 --> 0:00:39.640 I don't have one. 0:00:40.320 --> 0:00:44.080 Mother mustn't have loved you very much, you know what. 0:00:44.200 --> 0:00:45.360 Let's give you a middle name right now? 0:00:45.400 --> 0:00:45.879 How about that? 0:00:46.360 --> 0:00:54.880 Why Jackie Stewart, Jackie Lynn, Jackie jack Jackie Jack Cohen. 0:00:54.880 --> 0:01:01.800 And I don't care Jackety Jack's bratt sat on a 0:01:01.840 --> 0:01:12.000 candlestick from Gimblet Media. I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is 0:01:12.080 --> 0:01:30.000 Heavyweight Today's episode, Jesse. Most lives are like parallel lines, 0:01:30.440 --> 0:01:34.440 one life existing alongside another, divided only by an apartment 0:01:34.440 --> 0:01:40.039 hallway or a cubicle wall, close but never touching. So 0:01:40.080 --> 0:01:45.680 I will just ask you to start from the very beginning, Okay, 0:01:47.280 --> 0:01:51.320 lines that are parallel don't have endings or beginnings. Lives do, though, 0:01:51.640 --> 0:01:54.840 and so do stories. And this story begins in the 0:01:54.840 --> 0:01:58.960 summer of twenty thirteen in a town just outside Portland, Oregon. 0:02:00.040 --> 0:02:02.960 Jesse had just graduated college and was spending the summer 0:02:03.040 --> 0:02:07.040 working in a lab. His life was music festivals, dancing, 0:02:07.240 --> 0:02:09.880 getting stoned, and eating as much mac and cheese as 0:02:09.880 --> 0:02:13.560 he could. In other words, he was a typical American 0:02:13.600 --> 0:02:16.000 twenty one year old whose life was on course. 0:02:16.560 --> 0:02:20.520 And then one day, it's a half day at work, 0:02:21.120 --> 0:02:24.000 left the house, got a cup of coffee, was riding 0:02:24.040 --> 0:02:27.600 my bike, stopped in this little park to sip on 0:02:27.639 --> 0:02:31.280 the coffee before I headed in, And that's the last 0:02:31.320 --> 0:02:33.880 thing that I really remember about that day. 0:02:35.160 --> 0:02:38.000 Later people will tell Jesse that he plugged an earbud 0:02:38.040 --> 0:02:41.320 into his ear, turned on some LCD sound system, got 0:02:41.360 --> 0:02:44.280 back on his bicycle, rode to the same four way 0:02:44.360 --> 0:02:46.040 intersection that he always. 0:02:45.680 --> 0:02:50.680 Did, and rolled out into the intersection and was te 0:02:50.760 --> 0:02:52.520 boned by a guy going forty five. 0:02:55.639 --> 0:02:59.120 Lines that are perpendicular meet at a right angle, touching 0:02:59.520 --> 0:03:07.640 but only once and then never meeting again. As he 0:03:07.720 --> 0:03:10.160 lay split out in the middle of the street, Jesse's 0:03:10.200 --> 0:03:12.280 heart stopped for a while. 0:03:12.840 --> 0:03:17.720 He was legally dead, and then I came to with 0:03:17.840 --> 0:03:22.200 a tracheotomy down my throat, trying to throw up, and 0:03:22.360 --> 0:03:27.680 suddenly I was in a hospital room. 0:03:27.840 --> 0:03:31.480 Suddenly was actually seventeen days later, seventeen days in a 0:03:31.520 --> 0:03:34.399 coma that he woke from, unable to breathe on his own, 0:03:34.720 --> 0:03:38.120 with half his body paralyzed. Everyone was saying it looked 0:03:38.120 --> 0:03:39.600 like he'd never walk again. 0:03:40.080 --> 0:03:43.160 And I don't think people realized I was with it 0:03:43.280 --> 0:03:48.040 enough to hear them say those things. Having a surgeon 0:03:48.280 --> 0:03:51.000 say to your mom, like you might as well get 0:03:51.080 --> 0:03:54.160 rid of his car insurance because he's not gonna ever 0:03:54.240 --> 0:04:00.680 drive again. It just seemed like I wasn't gonna look anymore. 0:04:00.880 --> 0:04:04.680 I wasn't going to be with anything pretty anymore. My 0:04:05.360 --> 0:04:09.200 life I had dreamed about is no longer. Having to 0:04:09.280 --> 0:04:12.360 use a bedpan as a twenty one year old, and 0:04:12.400 --> 0:04:16.039 the embarrassment that comes with not being able to control 0:04:16.440 --> 0:04:20.200 your bladder and having a nurse have to clean you up. 0:04:21.240 --> 0:04:25.479 It just feels like, Okay, I'm in pain, I'm causing pain. 0:04:26.560 --> 0:04:29.239 My parents aren't going to have a normal life now. 0:04:31.120 --> 0:04:33.560 A lot of what I was saying was about trying 0:04:33.560 --> 0:04:37.720 to get someone to end my life. I was like, 0:04:38.120 --> 0:04:40.000 if it's not going to be a good life, like 0:04:40.760 --> 0:04:43.400 I don't want life. 0:04:43.480 --> 0:04:46.679 Every day was like this, the same dark thoughts day 0:04:46.720 --> 0:04:51.120 after day after day. And then one day Jesse felt 0:04:51.160 --> 0:04:53.960 his eyes move independently of each other. His head and 0:04:54.040 --> 0:04:57.920 arms began to flail. He thought, this is it. I'm 0:04:57.960 --> 0:05:00.280 actually going to die, like. 0:05:00.240 --> 0:05:03.560 Oh, I'm getting what I wanted. And the first emotion 0:05:03.680 --> 0:05:13.839 that came up was just anger, like this sucks. 0:05:15.480 --> 0:05:18.359 As Jesse began the process of dying, he lost the 0:05:18.400 --> 0:05:20.960 ability to hold onto that anger. It was like he 0:05:21.000 --> 0:05:24.040 no longer had the strength, and so it let go. 0:05:25.120 --> 0:05:28.400 His dying brain started letting everything go, what was happening 0:05:28.440 --> 0:05:31.320 around him, all his fears for the future, and with 0:05:31.360 --> 0:05:35.799 all that gone, past memories flooded in happy memories, playing 0:05:35.839 --> 0:05:39.440 guitar for his younger cousins Emial of Savice in Lima, 0:05:39.960 --> 0:05:42.920 camping with his girlfriend in the rain, and drinking champagne 0:05:42.920 --> 0:05:44.800 as their tent slowly filled with water. 0:05:45.839 --> 0:05:48.880 I think it was rather spontaneous, though I don't remember 0:05:49.160 --> 0:05:52.680 putting like one and one together. I think it was 0:05:52.839 --> 0:05:57.960 like this this rush that happened in a matter of moments, 0:05:59.200 --> 0:06:03.000 all of the people that had ever wished well for me, 0:06:03.279 --> 0:06:07.039 or all of the hospital visitors I had made me 0:06:07.120 --> 0:06:13.280 realize that I had a really fortunate life. 0:06:17.600 --> 0:06:20.560 Jesse ended up surviving, and with his new life came 0:06:20.600 --> 0:06:23.520 in appreciation for all the things he'd never noticed before. 0:06:24.200 --> 0:06:26.640 The blue of the sky through the hospital window looked 0:06:26.640 --> 0:06:29.359 bluer somehow, the touch of a friend's hand at his 0:06:29.400 --> 0:06:32.400 bedside stirred his heart in a deeper way. When he 0:06:32.480 --> 0:06:35.240 was helped outside, the world below his feet felt like 0:06:35.240 --> 0:06:39.040 a strange and beautiful planet. Even the most familiar things 0:06:39.240 --> 0:06:39.960 were new again. 0:06:40.800 --> 0:06:42.719 If I had an apple that day, it was like 0:06:42.760 --> 0:06:46.000 the first time eating an apple. Every day got better 0:06:46.040 --> 0:06:50.839 and better, and it was easier and easier to see 0:06:50.880 --> 0:06:55.240 a life forward. And so every day now is kind 0:06:55.279 --> 0:06:57.599 of like a second chance. 0:06:59.839 --> 0:07:03.719 Think that this kind of instantaneous spiritual transformation would have 0:07:03.760 --> 0:07:06.880 an expiration date, that before long he'd be back to 0:07:06.920 --> 0:07:09.440 watching Bachelor in Paradise in bed with a bucket of 0:07:09.440 --> 0:07:12.559 Colonel Sanders on his lap and various dipping sauces neatly 0:07:12.640 --> 0:07:16.640 laid out across a pillow, just like everybody else. But 0:07:16.760 --> 0:07:20.760 for Jesse, these new feelings didn't fade. Over the next 0:07:20.840 --> 0:07:23.320 five months, as his doctors put him back together and 0:07:23.360 --> 0:07:25.960 taught him how to walk again, Jesse'd come to see 0:07:26.000 --> 0:07:28.600 that life before the accident, the life he tried so 0:07:28.720 --> 0:07:31.840 hard to hold onto, wasn't a life lived very deeply, 0:07:32.560 --> 0:07:35.040 that it was actually kind of superficial. It was a 0:07:35.080 --> 0:07:38.560 life distracting him from what was good about living, and 0:07:38.640 --> 0:07:40.480 so to mark the end of one life in the 0:07:40.480 --> 0:07:43.800 beginning of another, he changed his name, going from Jesse, 0:07:44.280 --> 0:07:48.400 a favorite moniker for TV uncles, to Gavanna, Sanskrit for 0:07:49.000 --> 0:07:59.560 giver of light. Four years later, Givanna's life looks quite 0:07:59.600 --> 0:08:03.520 different from Jesse's. Jesse was always rushing thinking about the future, 0:08:03.960 --> 0:08:08.160 but Gavanna, helped by a cane, move slowly. While Jesse 0:08:08.320 --> 0:08:11.720 enjoyed dancing in loud music, Givanna, deaf in one ear 0:08:12.000 --> 0:08:15.239 leans him close when spoken to. In spite of living 0:08:15.240 --> 0:08:18.000 with constant pain, he likes this new life better than 0:08:18.000 --> 0:08:22.200 the old one. In fact, he's grateful for it, which 0:08:22.200 --> 0:08:25.080 is why Gavanna often finds himself thinking about the man 0:08:25.200 --> 0:08:28.720 who gave him this new life. That is the driver 0:08:28.840 --> 0:08:32.160 of the car that hit him. 0:08:32.320 --> 0:08:35.040 I've always wanted to meet him. I've always wanted to 0:08:35.080 --> 0:08:39.400 sit down across from him and tell him, like, I've 0:08:39.520 --> 0:08:48.200 become increasingly grateful for being hit by that car, and 0:08:48.840 --> 0:08:52.560 I want to I want to thank him for like 0:08:52.840 --> 0:08:55.880 showing me how beautiful life can be, but I also 0:08:55.920 --> 0:09:00.240 want to say sorry, really yeah, yeah. 0:09:04.960 --> 0:09:07.840 Up until this moment, I was with him the idea 0:09:07.840 --> 0:09:10.199 of being curious and wanting to meet the driver that 0:09:10.320 --> 0:09:14.240 I kind of got, but wanting to thank him apologize 0:09:14.679 --> 0:09:18.040 to the guy who ran you over. Giovanna was acting 0:09:18.120 --> 0:09:21.360 like Jesus, and for people who give out the Jesus vibe, 0:09:21.440 --> 0:09:25.600 like say, Jesus, it doesn't usually end so well. An 0:09:25.640 --> 0:09:28.640 eye for an eye is what my wrathful Hebrew Lord instructs. 0:09:29.000 --> 0:09:31.560 Even if you don't want to, you have an obligation 0:09:32.120 --> 0:09:35.120 take an eyeball for later. You never know it might 0:09:35.160 --> 0:09:38.560 come in handy, and to show extra piety, maybe grab 0:09:38.559 --> 0:09:41.840 a fistful of eyelash. But at the very least, saith 0:09:41.880 --> 0:09:44.839 the Lord. If a guy almost kills you, make him 0:09:44.840 --> 0:09:52.320 beg for your forgiveness. You sincerely don't feel like you're 0:09:52.360 --> 0:09:53.520 looking for an apology. 0:09:54.840 --> 0:09:57.200 I don't blame him for what happened that day. We've 0:09:57.200 --> 0:10:00.920 all been late to work, We've all on yellow lights, 0:10:02.000 --> 0:10:05.400 like every day that I'd drive on a busy street 0:10:05.400 --> 0:10:10.920 with intersections going over thirty. I kind of can imagine 0:10:11.040 --> 0:10:13.360 what it would be like for a bicyclist to suddenly 0:10:13.360 --> 0:10:13.760 be there. 0:10:15.360 --> 0:10:17.840 Givanna says that the driver was never found guilty of 0:10:17.840 --> 0:10:20.960 any crime. He wasn't drinking, he wasn't on his phone. 0:10:21.520 --> 0:10:24.040 In the end, no fault was ever determined. 0:10:24.600 --> 0:10:27.400 I don't need an apology from him. I think the 0:10:27.440 --> 0:10:31.360 only person that can really tell him it's okay, the 0:10:31.400 --> 0:10:33.840 only person that maybe he would believe that it's okay 0:10:33.880 --> 0:10:34.160 as me. 0:10:36.640 --> 0:10:38.600 And you're not afraid that it feels like a little 0:10:38.600 --> 0:10:40.160 too grand, you know what I mean. 0:10:42.320 --> 0:10:46.320 I can see that, like, oh, you're trying to love 0:10:46.360 --> 0:10:50.600 everybody because you want people to look at you and 0:10:50.840 --> 0:10:55.640 like praise you. But the whole point of loving everyone 0:10:55.760 --> 0:10:59.480 is almost a selfish thing, because loving people feels good, 0:11:00.080 --> 0:11:02.840 giving the people feels good. I don't know why we 0:11:02.920 --> 0:11:07.120 would almost shame people for wanting to be that generous. 0:11:08.440 --> 0:11:11.720 I think by we, Givanna is politely saying me that 0:11:11.800 --> 0:11:15.280 I'm shaming him for acting how people should act. But 0:11:15.320 --> 0:11:17.880 I'm more hung up on how people do act, or 0:11:17.880 --> 0:11:20.680 at least how I act, which is kind of grabby. 0:11:21.400 --> 0:11:23.480 So I want to know if there's anything the driver 0:11:23.679 --> 0:11:25.040 can provide for him. 0:11:25.720 --> 0:11:29.440 I think the only thing I want from him is 0:11:29.520 --> 0:11:35.560 maybe for him to explain that day to me. I've 0:11:35.559 --> 0:11:39.360 always been curious about what happened that day. 0:11:39.520 --> 0:11:42.880 Givanna doesn't remember anything about that day and knows almost 0:11:42.880 --> 0:11:45.959 nothing about the driver, so his mind fixates on the 0:11:46.000 --> 0:11:50.119 few bits of information he has. First the police photograph 0:11:50.120 --> 0:11:53.800 of the accident. In it, the driver gazes into the camera, 0:11:54.040 --> 0:11:58.520 stunned and helpless as Javannah lies bleeding on the street. Second, 0:11:59.080 --> 0:12:01.680 the phone call when a policeman called him up with 0:12:01.720 --> 0:12:05.079 the news that Javanna would survive, the driver broke down weeping. 0:12:05.760 --> 0:12:15.400 And the third thing, the driver's name, Christian. I begin 0:12:15.480 --> 0:12:18.200 my search for Christians in the Portland area, and it 0:12:18.240 --> 0:12:20.920 turns out to be harder than I'd imagined. So I 0:12:20.960 --> 0:12:25.560 start combing through databases, the special kind that require log 0:12:25.640 --> 0:12:30.960 in names and service fees. Why do you need money, 0:12:31.040 --> 0:12:34.680 Alex Bloomberg asks, while picking his teeth clean of chia seeds. 0:12:35.440 --> 0:12:38.959 I want to find a man named Christian, I say, why, 0:12:39.000 --> 0:12:42.240 he asks, laughing, as he good naturedly jabs and elbow 0:12:42.240 --> 0:12:45.200 into Lisa Chow's ribs. So you can also find a 0:12:45.200 --> 0:12:48.240 man named Jewish and a man named Muslim and record 0:12:48.280 --> 0:12:53.880 them walking into a bar for your podcast. No, I say, 0:12:53.920 --> 0:12:57.679 gnashing my teeth so I can repair the past and 0:12:57.840 --> 0:13:00.760 win a damn Peabody award and start getting some respect 0:13:00.800 --> 0:13:04.400 around here. Of course, I only say that last part 0:13:04.440 --> 0:13:06.840 to myself. The last thing I need is to be 0:13:06.880 --> 0:13:10.200 exiled back to Canada, to wander sub zero streets while 0:13:10.240 --> 0:13:13.720 drinking frozen milk from a bag, dancing for Canadian nickels, 0:13:13.720 --> 0:13:18.880 and begging strangers for podcasting opportunities. Alex takes a sip 0:13:18.920 --> 0:13:21.560 of his kombucha and, as he rushes off to a 0:13:21.600 --> 0:13:24.840 business meeting, says he'll venmo me the money, and I 0:13:24.920 --> 0:13:31.800 pretend to know what that means. I order the police 0:13:31.800 --> 0:13:34.520 report of the accident, and while I wait for its arrival, 0:13:34.679 --> 0:13:38.359 I continue my online search for Christian. I try pseudonyms, 0:13:38.440 --> 0:13:44.000 name variations, anything I can think of. Still no dice. Desperate, 0:13:44.320 --> 0:13:47.480 I turn to something called a phone book, which it 0:13:47.520 --> 0:13:51.040 turns out is kind of like Facebook, but without photos 0:13:51.040 --> 0:13:54.559 of your high school gym teacher's new SKA band. From there, 0:13:54.880 --> 0:13:59.160 I get even more old school, actually telephoning the telephone 0:13:59.200 --> 0:14:08.000 numbers from the telephone book. Oh, hi, is Christian there. 0:14:09.160 --> 0:14:11.559 I know I can't help you. No, we lived here 0:14:11.600 --> 0:14:12.080 like that. 0:14:14.559 --> 0:14:17.000 And ventilating department. I'm not able to come to the 0:14:17.000 --> 0:14:19.400 phone right now, Mom and somebody else. 0:14:19.520 --> 0:14:25.200 Okay, But after several weeks have failed attempt, Hello, Hi 0:14:25.360 --> 0:14:26.240 is Christian there? 0:14:28.040 --> 0:14:29.440 Well, I'm sad. 0:14:31.080 --> 0:14:34.280 I finally get through to Christian's childhood home. But when 0:14:34.280 --> 0:14:36.720 I explain that I'm calling about the car crash and 0:14:36.720 --> 0:14:40.280 about Gavannah wanting to meet Christian, his stepmom gets on 0:14:40.320 --> 0:14:40.840 the phone. 0:14:41.000 --> 0:14:43.040 We have a lot of concern for Chris on this. 0:14:43.800 --> 0:14:47.600 I hear you. I hear you. He has suffered from 0:14:47.680 --> 0:14:50.880 PTSD because of that accident. We don't want to make 0:14:50.920 --> 0:14:55.000 that any worse. I just say to stave go diving 0:14:55.040 --> 0:14:55.800 back into that. 0:14:58.720 --> 0:15:01.680 Even after all these years, Christian's parents are still worried 0:15:01.680 --> 0:15:04.320 about him. They won't give me his phone number, but 0:15:04.320 --> 0:15:07.040 they do agree to pass along my message. So over 0:15:07.080 --> 0:15:09.760 the next few months, I check in with them periodically 0:15:10.120 --> 0:15:14.560 to see if there's any news to report. Hello, well, 0:15:14.880 --> 0:15:18.080 I there, This is Jonathan Goldstein calling back. We spoke 0:15:18.160 --> 0:15:21.520 last week weeks ago. I was last week, any movement, 0:15:22.200 --> 0:15:25.560 any new news, write him a note and ask him. 0:15:25.840 --> 0:15:28.240 Let me grab a pen here, let me grab well here, 0:15:28.320 --> 0:15:29.880 Let me have you a talk to my husban. I'm 0:15:29.880 --> 0:15:31.520 going to put my wife on the phone because of 0:15:31.600 --> 0:15:33.640 actually again, I'll pass it. I'll let him know you 0:15:33.640 --> 0:15:36.880 call it, and I will pass on that you called again. 0:15:38.160 --> 0:15:41.760 Eventually I begin feeling like a trusted friend of the family. 0:15:42.880 --> 0:15:47.160 Right it's mister, is the silver Stein? 0:15:48.560 --> 0:15:59.320 Goldstein? For months I wait to hear from Christian. In 0:15:59.400 --> 0:16:04.640 the interim, I discover something called fidget spinners wind Haven, Tornado, fidget, 0:16:04.840 --> 0:16:09.160 Golden snitch, Harry Potter, fidget, you name it. To mitigate 0:16:09.160 --> 0:16:17.920 my anxiety. I passed the days spinning them. How do 0:16:18.000 --> 0:16:21.040 these fidget spin so easily? I wonder? And why is 0:16:21.080 --> 0:16:24.600 this sensation between my thumb and index finger more satisfying 0:16:24.640 --> 0:16:29.040 than all of my personal relationships and career accomplishments Stacked 0:16:29.160 --> 0:16:37.400 end to end, you might call a circle a line 0:16:37.440 --> 0:16:42.440 that's lost its way forward, neurotically retracing its footsteps, making 0:16:42.560 --> 0:16:49.080 loop after loop after loop after loop after loop after 0:16:55.680 --> 0:16:58.800 and then one day after an evening of dervish like spinning. 0:16:59.160 --> 0:17:01.520 I emerge from an underground fidget den in the back 0:17:01.640 --> 0:17:05.040 room of a Chinatown foot massage parlor, fingers blistered and 0:17:05.119 --> 0:17:08.280 eyes squinting at my phone in the cruel noontime sun. 0:17:09.080 --> 0:17:13.159 It's then that I see I've received an email Hello. 0:17:13.240 --> 0:17:16.600 The subject heading reads, will you be available Friday to 0:17:16.640 --> 0:17:23.840 talk on the phone? Thanks Christian. After the break Christian. 0:17:26.160 --> 0:17:29.400 On Friday, Christian tells me about life since the accident, 0:17:29.840 --> 0:17:33.359 the depression, the panic attacks. He tells me about waking 0:17:33.440 --> 0:17:35.359 up in the middle of the night, scared to death 0:17:35.800 --> 0:17:38.920 but not sure why. He tells me how he'd begun drinking, 0:17:39.280 --> 0:17:43.080 about feeling empty, how sometimes when he's driving he feels 0:17:43.080 --> 0:17:45.480 so anxious and lost that he finds it hard to 0:17:45.520 --> 0:17:47.639 breathe and has to pull off to the side of 0:17:47.640 --> 0:17:52.440 the road. But what surprises me most is when Christian says, 0:17:52.680 --> 0:17:56.240 almost word for word, the same thing that Javanna said, 0:17:56.440 --> 0:17:59.000 not just that he's changed as a result of the crash, 0:17:59.119 --> 0:18:02.600 but that his whole life is different. After the crash, 0:18:02.720 --> 0:18:05.280 he dropped out of school. He had his own business, 0:18:05.480 --> 0:18:09.240 but gave that up too. Like Giovanna, Christian feels like 0:18:09.280 --> 0:18:13.200 a completely different person, and like Javanna, Christian was also 0:18:13.240 --> 0:18:16.280 advised by the people closest to him not to revisit 0:18:16.320 --> 0:18:19.120 that day, not to meet with the man from the accident, 0:18:19.800 --> 0:18:24.000 that such things simply aren't done. And yet in spite 0:18:24.040 --> 0:18:27.640 of all that, Christians decided it's something he wants to do. 0:18:32.520 --> 0:18:35.880 Lines that meet intersect, and then grow further apart are 0:18:35.920 --> 0:18:40.320 called perpendicular lines that reintersect. There is no name for 0:18:40.359 --> 0:18:43.760 such a thing. Up until this point, I had been 0:18:43.760 --> 0:18:47.200 mostly caught up in Giavanna's story, but in talking with Christian, 0:18:47.680 --> 0:18:51.359 I start to worry about his trajectory too. I needed 0:18:51.400 --> 0:18:53.359 to talk with someone who knew more about this stuff 0:18:53.359 --> 0:18:56.399 than I did. I needed to talk to a real therapist, 0:18:57.400 --> 0:19:00.760 and so I reached out to a grief and couples counselor. 0:19:01.240 --> 0:19:03.600 My mother was a therapist, and when she passed away, 0:19:03.640 --> 0:19:06.880 I started working with grieving children as a volunteer. 0:19:07.080 --> 0:19:09.639 Matt has a calm way of speaking, like a cross 0:19:09.680 --> 0:19:12.560 between hal from two thousand and one and someone who 0:19:12.640 --> 0:19:15.440 enjoys thoughtfully chewing on the arm of his eyeglasses. 0:19:15.880 --> 0:19:18.000 And a friend suggested that I get another degree in 0:19:18.040 --> 0:19:22.119 go back and start professionalizing my interest in that topic. 0:19:22.240 --> 0:19:25.440 I liked Matt right away. From the moment we shook hands. 0:19:25.720 --> 0:19:27.840 I felt like you could see right through to the 0:19:27.880 --> 0:19:31.679 deepest recesses of my mind. I felt naked before this 0:19:31.760 --> 0:19:35.960 man's keen psychological gaze, the breeze goose pimpling the nude 0:19:36.000 --> 0:19:39.960 flesh of my psyche. I quickly caught Matt up on 0:19:40.000 --> 0:19:43.119 the Christian and Javanna situation about the meeting we were 0:19:43.160 --> 0:19:45.080 planning and asked what he thought. 0:19:46.359 --> 0:19:52.879 Yeah, I guess it sounds dicey, like this could go 0:19:53.040 --> 0:19:57.200 really wrong. You know, this was a really traumatizing thing 0:19:57.280 --> 0:20:00.800 for these people, and they they come at it with 0:20:00.880 --> 0:20:05.600 feelings that have not been worked through, and that could 0:20:05.600 --> 0:20:06.240 be a disaster. 0:20:07.280 --> 0:20:09.439 Matt says, you never really know what you're going to 0:20:09.480 --> 0:20:13.040 feel until you actually step foot in the room. Christian 0:20:13.080 --> 0:20:17.119 could become re traumatized, Javanna could get angrier than he anticipated. 0:20:17.600 --> 0:20:21.639 You just don't know. I mean, it means facing something difficult, 0:20:21.720 --> 0:20:26.080 and people would much rather ignore something difficult, even you know, 0:20:26.160 --> 0:20:29.000 even in families, even in loving relationships and couples. You 0:20:29.040 --> 0:20:29.880 see that all the time. 0:20:30.640 --> 0:20:33.040 But as we talk about how eager Javanna and Christian 0:20:33.080 --> 0:20:36.000 are to meet each other. Matt admits that it's possible 0:20:36.040 --> 0:20:39.160 this plan might not be disastrous, that it might actually 0:20:39.200 --> 0:20:42.720 be good, that there was something even potentially beautiful about it. 0:20:43.359 --> 0:20:47.000 If you're given the opportunity to face the source of 0:20:47.560 --> 0:20:52.439 this event that had so much meaning, it's a tremendous 0:20:52.440 --> 0:20:54.280 opportunity for reconciliation. 0:20:56.520 --> 0:20:58.960 Matt offers to speak to Christian and Javanna on the 0:20:59.000 --> 0:21:02.520 phone separately, just to assess how emotionally prepared they are 0:21:02.600 --> 0:21:05.919 to face each other. He also says it'd be advisable 0:21:06.000 --> 0:21:08.280 to have an actual therapist on hand when they meet, 0:21:09.000 --> 0:21:13.720 and lucky for me, I had just the one. So 0:21:13.800 --> 0:21:23.199 you want to go to Portland, I'd love to. You 0:21:23.240 --> 0:21:26.840 want to travel with your therapist to Oregon, Alex says 0:21:26.960 --> 0:21:30.000 when I ask him to pay for Matt's airfare. He's 0:21:30.040 --> 0:21:34.800 not my therapist, I say, blushing, He's a friend. It's 0:21:34.840 --> 0:21:38.320 for a story, a business story. Matt and I can 0:21:38.320 --> 0:21:41.560 even share a hotel room. Might actually be better stay 0:21:41.640 --> 0:21:45.679 up late gossiping about the story. The business story, I 0:21:45.760 --> 0:21:49.560 mean Alex's bull of chia seeds arrives and he cuts 0:21:49.600 --> 0:21:57.639 me off, agreeing to vimeo me the money, so I 0:21:57.640 --> 0:21:59.040 don't know, what do you think of this set up? 0:21:59.119 --> 0:22:00.800 I mean, so I should. 0:22:00.520 --> 0:22:03.960 Say that I'm in Portland, Matt and I prepare the 0:22:04.000 --> 0:22:07.040 hotel room for Javanna and Christian's arrival. I mean, and 0:22:07.080 --> 0:22:09.199 then this puts some money equal footing that you know 0:22:09.280 --> 0:22:10.760 that they're both down chairs and they don't have to 0:22:10.800 --> 0:22:12.720 sit side by side of it, so that an already 0:22:12.760 --> 0:22:16.000 dicey situation isn't made diceier by us all having to 0:22:16.040 --> 0:22:19.720 sit crisscross apple sauce on my unmade hotel bed. I've 0:22:19.720 --> 0:22:23.120 rented a suite with chairs and a COUCHU. 0:22:23.480 --> 0:22:25.959 Yeah, that's we're both over there kind of. 0:22:26.520 --> 0:22:30.400 I expend my nervous energy by arranging and rearranging the furniture. 0:22:31.080 --> 0:22:34.920 Working in such close proximity, I can't help catching wisps 0:22:34.920 --> 0:22:39.920 of Matt's aftershave, a masculine, leathery scent that recalls grandfather's 0:22:39.960 --> 0:22:43.680 barbering strop. So I would, just, if you're comfortable with it, 0:22:43.720 --> 0:22:44.400 I would ask. 0:22:44.240 --> 0:22:45.000 You to sit. 0:22:49.760 --> 0:22:54.760 On the couch with me. Yeah, okay, would that be okay? 0:22:55.280 --> 0:22:58.000 Yeah? 0:22:58.640 --> 0:23:03.960 Our exchange is preempty by a tentative knock at the door. Hello, Hello, 0:23:04.200 --> 0:23:07.240 Gavanna arrives first come on in thank You. 0:23:07.520 --> 0:23:08.640 This is man time. 0:23:09.320 --> 0:23:12.520 Gravanna's tall and thin, with long red hair and a beard. 0:23:13.000 --> 0:23:17.160 The clothing he's wearing his robelike Jesus, like his movement 0:23:17.320 --> 0:23:21.239 slow and careful. So Christian is on his way. I 0:23:21.320 --> 0:23:23.520 believe he might be a little bit late because of 0:23:23.560 --> 0:23:28.280 the parade as it happens today is Portland's Rose Bowl Parade. 0:23:28.600 --> 0:23:31.120 I keep waiting for the sound of Alice Cooper's Schools 0:23:31.160 --> 0:23:34.199 Out for Summer, performed on tubas and snare drums to 0:23:34.280 --> 0:23:37.840 fade into the distance, but it never does. It's like 0:23:37.880 --> 0:23:40.480 the parade route this year is stuck in a spiral 0:23:40.560 --> 0:23:45.240 of endless laps around our hotel. Outside the window, life 0:23:45.359 --> 0:23:52.600 in all its obnoxious splendor, was going on at this point. 0:23:52.760 --> 0:23:58.440 Christian still hasn't arrived. Eleven oh five, eleven, ten, eleven, fifteen, 0:23:58.520 --> 0:24:01.960 eleven twenty. It begins to set in that Christian might 0:24:01.960 --> 0:24:03.879 have had a change of heart and may never show, 0:24:04.240 --> 0:24:06.240 and I'd have to return to Gimlet with my tail 0:24:06.320 --> 0:24:09.800 between my legs, scamper over to Alex's treadmill desk and 0:24:09.880 --> 0:24:12.200 admit he was right and I was wrong, and how 0:24:12.200 --> 0:24:15.680 He's always right? He and Lisa chow because they understand 0:24:15.760 --> 0:24:19.680 the quote financial risk of flying a therapist across the country, 0:24:19.800 --> 0:24:23.440 renting this whole dumb hotel suite, arranging furniture according to 0:24:23.480 --> 0:24:25.840 the laws of FENSHUEI which I don't even know at 0:24:25.880 --> 0:24:33.800 that are Christian, Hi clue, Christian. 0:24:35.480 --> 0:24:35.800 Christian? 0:24:35.880 --> 0:24:36.760 This is Jivanna. 0:24:39.640 --> 0:24:43.040 Christian enters the room. He's solid looking and crew cut 0:24:43.040 --> 0:24:45.919 it wearing jeans and running shoes. He looks like the 0:24:45.960 --> 0:24:49.280 amiable guy in a sports bar whose voice rises easily 0:24:49.280 --> 0:24:53.440 above the din when ordering a beer. Standing side by side, 0:24:53.600 --> 0:24:57.240 these two young men could not seem less alike. Once 0:24:57.240 --> 0:24:59.800 they've taken each other in, they sit down in armchairs, 0:24:59.800 --> 0:25:03.040 op at one another, Christian with his hands on his knees, 0:25:03.359 --> 0:25:07.320 Givanna sunk into his chair. For a while, they quietly 0:25:07.400 --> 0:25:12.280 watch each other. Givanna pulls out a small bottle of 0:25:12.320 --> 0:25:15.480 sandalwood oil that he keeps around his neck. He explains 0:25:15.480 --> 0:25:18.199 that it's the oil burned in ashrams to maintain a 0:25:18.240 --> 0:25:21.000 deep level of meditation and body awareness. 0:25:21.400 --> 0:25:23.720 So I don't know if anyone else wants to smell this, 0:25:23.920 --> 0:25:25.760 but I treat it very preciously. 0:25:27.040 --> 0:25:30.440 Givanna passes it around and we each smell it. When 0:25:30.440 --> 0:25:34.400 we're done, the room returns to silence. Matt looks from 0:25:34.440 --> 0:25:37.480 Christian to Javanna. He wonders aloud what it might have 0:25:37.560 --> 0:25:41.080 been like had they met under different circumstances. 0:25:41.240 --> 0:25:45.840 Imagining you two coincidentally running into each other and then 0:25:46.160 --> 0:25:48.399 kind of figuring it out who each other was. 0:25:49.080 --> 0:25:54.560 I know immediately was that I would know immediately. Yeah, 0:25:55.240 --> 0:25:56.480 I'll never forget your face. 0:26:04.119 --> 0:26:06.520 It was the most transformative day of both their lives. 0:26:06.800 --> 0:26:09.800 And since Christian can't forget anything about it and Javanna 0:26:09.840 --> 0:26:13.120 can't remember anything about it, some kind of exchange needs 0:26:13.119 --> 0:26:16.119 to happen so that Javanna can reclaim the day and 0:26:16.240 --> 0:26:19.720 Christian can finally lay it to rest. Christian takes a 0:26:19.760 --> 0:26:24.640 deep breath and begins, I. 0:26:24.640 --> 0:26:29.359 Was going to school. I had an easy day. I 0:26:29.440 --> 0:26:32.440 was needed to be in class around twelve o'clock, so 0:26:32.520 --> 0:26:36.240 I woke up early and I had pre nutritious meal. 0:26:36.240 --> 0:26:38.439 I had oatmeal, a little bit of milk and innate that. 0:26:38.600 --> 0:26:41.200 Then I was just driving the school, and then. 0:26:42.520 --> 0:26:43.359 That's where I met you. 0:26:44.880 --> 0:26:49.119 Throughout the day, this language will recur. Christian never says 0:26:49.240 --> 0:26:52.879 when I hit you or when we crashed. It's almost 0:26:52.880 --> 0:26:57.120 always when we met, as in when two lines meet 0:26:57.640 --> 0:27:00.919 without agency, as though drawn by the tremulous hand of 0:27:00.920 --> 0:27:03.440 a child holding down a ruler in math class. 0:27:04.320 --> 0:27:08.560 So when we met, I remember there being a really 0:27:08.640 --> 0:27:13.040 large car in front of me, and I've processed this 0:27:13.119 --> 0:27:16.040 moment in my head over and over again. How that 0:27:16.080 --> 0:27:18.439 car in front of me blocked the view of my 0:27:18.600 --> 0:27:21.640 car because I have a really small on a civic 0:27:22.200 --> 0:27:24.919 and you thought you were fine. 0:27:27.720 --> 0:27:31.680 That's how I've understood it, too, is that we didn't 0:27:31.720 --> 0:27:36.200 see each other. I guess until it was too late. 0:27:42.560 --> 0:27:48.959 I saw the moments when you hit my windshield. 0:27:51.119 --> 0:27:54.280 According to the police report, earbuds were found lodged in 0:27:54.320 --> 0:27:57.000 the windshield. The impact of the crash had caused the 0:27:57.080 --> 0:27:58.280 roof of the car to cave in. 0:27:59.400 --> 0:28:01.480 For some reason, I was able to get the car parked, 0:28:02.119 --> 0:28:06.480 and I rushed to you. Some one yells at me, 0:28:07.040 --> 0:28:09.560 called nine one one, called nine one one, get help. 0:28:10.400 --> 0:28:13.360 I tried to call nine one one, and I couldn't 0:28:13.359 --> 0:28:17.679 do it. I tried over and over and over to 0:28:17.800 --> 0:28:20.200 type numbers in the phone, and I was in shock. 0:28:22.119 --> 0:28:25.600 Somebody else said they got we got the emergency responders 0:28:25.600 --> 0:28:30.439 on the phone. There on the way. We all just 0:28:30.640 --> 0:28:34.119 huddled around you, and you were going I think, in 0:28:34.160 --> 0:28:37.880 and out of consciousness, and we were trying to cheer 0:28:37.880 --> 0:28:41.880 you on. Just stay with it, stay with it. And 0:28:41.960 --> 0:28:46.080 everybody around us were we're trying to fight for you. 0:28:48.480 --> 0:28:51.840 I was over your body and I was looking down at. 0:28:51.760 --> 0:28:55.080 You, and it was just trying to cheer you. 0:28:55.120 --> 0:29:04.360 All the paramedics came and they were able to get 0:29:04.400 --> 0:29:06.560 you in the ambulance and everything, and then I just 0:29:06.600 --> 0:29:09.040 remember I just wanted to run away. I just wanted 0:29:09.040 --> 0:29:11.840 to get out of there, run away. And one of 0:29:11.840 --> 0:29:15.120 the police officers stayed with me and kept me calm, 0:29:15.160 --> 0:29:19.600 and I remember, uh, after a few hours, going to 0:29:19.640 --> 0:29:21.760 my dad and being like a bad thing happened, and 0:29:21.840 --> 0:29:23.719 I cried with him for a long time. Then we 0:29:24.160 --> 0:29:27.160 he we prayed for you, and my family prayed for you. 0:29:29.120 --> 0:29:34.000 That's pretty much what I remember from that day. It 0:29:34.080 --> 0:29:37.360 was very scary for me. I was very worried about you. 0:29:44.280 --> 0:29:47.760 I wanted to meet you because you're kind of like 0:29:47.840 --> 0:29:51.440 a fable in my head until now, like you're the 0:29:51.520 --> 0:29:58.440 man who sent me on this second half of my life. 0:29:58.760 --> 0:30:03.080 I've wanted I wanted to know how you are and 0:30:03.120 --> 0:30:03.640 how you've. 0:30:03.520 --> 0:30:10.480 Been You wanted to let Christian know I know that, 0:30:10.640 --> 0:30:13.400 like you were okay too. 0:30:13.680 --> 0:30:21.240 Yeah, I think I'm okay as well. Yeah. I don't 0:30:21.280 --> 0:30:25.400 know what happened at that intersection, and I can only 0:30:25.440 --> 0:30:28.959 believe that I'm at least, if not more, of fifty 0:30:28.960 --> 0:30:32.640 percent at fault. And I've been wanting to tell you 0:30:32.680 --> 0:30:38.440 for a long time that I'm sorry, that it's all right. 0:30:40.720 --> 0:30:44.720 The things I experienced later in the hospital and in 0:30:44.800 --> 0:30:50.920 my recovery were very beautiful for me, and I wouldn't 0:30:50.960 --> 0:30:58.360 have gotten to experience a lot without that accident. And 0:30:58.440 --> 0:31:02.560 it leads me to believe my heart that I love you. 0:31:04.760 --> 0:31:11.840 I love you too. Christian gets up on his feet. 0:31:12.440 --> 0:31:17.040 Gavanna rises too, and then they meet and it's Christian, 0:31:17.320 --> 0:31:31.720 not Givanna, who initiates it. It isn't a half hug, 0:31:32.040 --> 0:31:34.520 one of those awkward, one armed things that men do, 0:31:35.200 --> 0:31:41.840 but a full on embrace. Later, when I speak to Gavanna, 0:31:42.160 --> 0:31:44.200 he'll tell me that Christian didn't strike him as the 0:31:44.280 --> 0:31:47.240 huggy type, but that the hug he gave felt like 0:31:47.280 --> 0:31:49.560 the hug of someone who'd been saving up his hugs. 0:31:52.600 --> 0:31:53.840 I thought you could pick me up. 0:31:54.480 --> 0:31:56.680 I feel like you could pick me up, Gavannah says, 0:31:58.840 --> 0:32:03.640 I probably could, says. They sit back down, but continue 0:32:03.640 --> 0:32:06.120 to touch each other's fingers from across the coffee table. 0:32:06.680 --> 0:32:09.520 They look at each other without saying anything. They stay 0:32:09.600 --> 0:32:13.560 quiet like this for what feels like a long time. Later, 0:32:13.600 --> 0:32:16.080 I'll ask Jirvanna how he thought it all went, and 0:32:16.120 --> 0:32:18.640 he'll say that more than the talking or even the 0:32:18.680 --> 0:32:22.040 sense of sorrow, he shared, he was actually touching Christian. 0:32:22.240 --> 0:32:24.800 That felt the most powerful, that made him feel the 0:32:24.800 --> 0:32:25.520 most connected. 0:32:28.040 --> 0:32:30.480 I think we probably should have met a lot sooner. 0:32:31.520 --> 0:32:36.360 Yeah, I feel like lawyers hash things out before the 0:32:36.400 --> 0:32:39.200 people get to him. If I could do it over, 0:32:40.160 --> 0:32:44.400 we would have met a lot earlier. I'm happy I 0:32:44.440 --> 0:32:44.960 came today. 0:32:53.400 --> 0:32:56.200 Only one line has to alter its course, even the 0:32:56.240 --> 0:33:00.920 tiniest bit, and eventually two parallel lines will meet. It 0:33:00.960 --> 0:33:05.320 could take forever, only happening at some theoretical infinity point, 0:33:05.560 --> 0:33:08.400 or it could take four years and happen in a 0:33:08.400 --> 0:33:09.600 Portland hotel room. 0:33:10.360 --> 0:33:15.800 You'll be safe, you too, and okay. 0:33:19.920 --> 0:33:22.520 Christian sets off to find his girlfriend at the parade, 0:33:22.640 --> 0:33:25.680 and shortly after Javanna leaves two to meet up with 0:33:25.760 --> 0:33:30.200 friends outside. It's Saturday morning. And the streets of downtown 0:33:30.240 --> 0:33:33.280 Portland are bustling in a cab. On our way to lunch, 0:33:33.680 --> 0:33:35.680 Matt and I pass a group of young guys on 0:33:35.720 --> 0:33:39.000 a street corner. They're carrying shopping bags and look like 0:33:39.040 --> 0:33:41.800 they might be discussing where to eat. At the center 0:33:41.880 --> 0:33:44.560 of the group is a tall, thin redhead, his hair 0:33:44.600 --> 0:33:48.640 and a bun. Is that Javanna? Matt asks, I don't 0:33:48.680 --> 0:33:52.360 think so. I say he looks too young. But as 0:33:52.360 --> 0:33:55.440 we get closer we see that it is Javanna, out 0:33:55.480 --> 0:33:58.680 in the sunshine, shopping with his friends. He's not Jesusy 0:33:58.720 --> 0:34:02.960 at all. He's just the kid arise meat. But only 0:34:03.000 --> 0:34:06.640 for a second, and then we all continue along our 0:34:06.680 --> 0:34:25.000 separate paths. 0:34:39.800 --> 0:34:49.279 Now that the Fernitures return into its goodwill home, Now 0:34:49.360 --> 0:34:54.160 that the last month's rant is scheming with the damage 0:34:54.200 --> 0:34:57.840 to potty, take this moment to deserve. 0:35:00.440 --> 0:35:09.480 Man too felt from the Thames. 0:35:09.520 --> 0:35:18.920 A Heavyweight is hosted and produced by me Jonathan Goldstein 0:35:19.000 --> 0:35:22.240 along with Khalila Holt. The senior producer is Caitlin Roberts, 0:35:22.640 --> 0:35:26.280 editing by Jorge just, Alex Bloomberg and Wendy Door. Special 0:35:26.360 --> 0:35:29.759 thanks to Emily Condon, Devin Taylor and Jackie Cohen. The 0:35:29.840 --> 0:35:33.000 show was mixed by Kate Bolinski, music by Christine Fellows, 0:35:33.160 --> 0:35:36.640 John K. Sampson, and Edwich. Additional music credits for this 0:35:36.719 --> 0:35:39.640 episode can be found on our website, Gimletmedia dot com 0:35:39.920 --> 0:35:43.279 slash Heavyweight. Our theme music is by the Weaker Bands 0:35:43.320 --> 0:35:46.520 courtesy of Epitaph Records, and our ad music is by 0:35:46.600 --> 0:35:50.280 Hailey Shaw. Follow us on Twitter at Heavyweight or email 0:35:50.400 --> 0:35:53.440 us at Heavyweight at gimbletmedia dot com. We'll have a 0:35:53.520 --> 0:35:55.439 new episode next week. 0:35:56.400 --> 0:36:08.040 Niway garrol O grams on bills. 0:36:04.920 --> 0:36:06.200 Are we repeated? 0:36:11.880 --> 0:36:11.920 H