Empowering Connections: Dave and Yvette Ulloa’s Guide to Transforming Relationships for Veterans and Families

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<v Speaker 1>Thank you.

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<v Speaker 1>With Michael Cole, the podcast that shines a compassionate light on the journey of veterans battling through life's challenges.

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<v Speaker 1>Michael is a dual elite, certified neuro encoding specialist in coaching and keynote training presentations dedicated to guiding military veterans as they navigate the intricate pathways of post-deployment life.

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<v Speaker 1>Join him as we delve into the profound realm of neuro encoding science, empowering these brave individuals to conquer universal battles procrastination, self-doubt, fear and more.

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<v Speaker 1>Together, let's uncover the strength within you to re-engage with families and society, forging a new path forward.

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<v Speaker 2>Hello, hello, hello everybody.

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<v Speaker 2>So today we have a very special guest.

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<v Speaker 2>We have Dave and Yvette Ulloa from Warriors and Queens.

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<v Speaker 2>They're the founders of Warriors and Queens.

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<v Speaker 2>They're dedicated to helping people create extraordinary relationships.

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<v Speaker 2>They're doing amazing work everybody.

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<v Speaker 2>So this is really going to be a treat.

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<v Speaker 2>They are married for 24 years and certified with renowned relationship researcher and coach, allison Armstrong.

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<v Speaker 2>They have shared stages with Zig Ziglar, stephen Covey, tony Robbins and some others A little more difficult names I'm not going to play with right now, they'll say it, I'm sure and you know they're just absolutely amazing souls and amazing lights.

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<v Speaker 2>I am truly blessed and honored.

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<v Speaker 2>You guys are here.

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<v Speaker 2>So if you guys can, please tell us a little more about yourselves.

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<v Speaker 3>Thank you so much, michael, super grateful to be here on your podcast.

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<v Speaker 3>Your thoughts, your reality and the mission behind helping and supporting veterans is amazing and it's to be commended.

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<v Speaker 3>So thank you for hosting it.

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<v Speaker 3>Thank you for inviting us.

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<v Speaker 3>Yes, we are Dave and Yvette Ulloa.

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<v Speaker 3>I was a former police officer, she's a government employee, we both have Latino backgrounds and we've been married for 24 years.

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<v Speaker 3>This November it'll be 25.

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<v Speaker 3>And this is my beautiful queen, yvette.

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<v Speaker 4>Hi everybody.

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<v Speaker 4>We're so excited to be here.

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<v Speaker 2>Excellent, excellent.

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<v Speaker 2>So, if we can just really quick, I want to just mention on the top right hand corner.

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<v Speaker 2>There there is a blue QR code, so anyone watching right now please feel free to scan it.

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<v Speaker 2>It takes you to Empower Performance Strategies, again, for people that are listening on podcast forums later empowerperformancestrategiescom.

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<v Speaker 2>There are all kinds of resources for veterans and their families.

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<v Speaker 2>There are some books that I've written that are free.

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<v Speaker 2>There are some Facebook groups for both veterans and their families.

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<v Speaker 2>So, please, please, use the resources that are there.

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<v Speaker 2>So, guys, let's dive in, shall we?

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<v Speaker 2>Let's do it Excellent, so let's start off with, and I know the story.

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<v Speaker 3>But for our listeners, what are some of the reasons that you've moved out of being a police officer and so on, michael?

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<v Speaker 3>Because there was a time in my life where I didn't know such a thing like personal development existed.

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<v Speaker 3>I had graduated college with a bachelor's of science in criminal justice and I thought that was like the end of my education.

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<v Speaker 3>I mean, I got a college degree.

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<v Speaker 3>Why do I need to learn or grow?

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<v Speaker 3>For any other reason?

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<v Speaker 3>And so when I was a police officer for 10 years she was a government employee.

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<v Speaker 3>We found ourselves in a rat race.

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<v Speaker 3>We found ourselves struggling financially, emotionally, spiritually.

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<v Speaker 3>We had $70,000 credit card debt.

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<v Speaker 3>We were on the verge of a bankruptcy and even considering divorce at the time, and we were working so much overtime just to pay the bills.

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<v Speaker 3>And everybody talks about you know, we were trying to keep up with the Joneses, but we didn't even know who the Joneses were.

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<v Speaker 3>So we had hit a point where we were like we're good people, we're hard workers, we got college degrees.

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<v Speaker 3>How are we not living the American dream?

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<v Speaker 3>Why are we living the American nightmare?

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<v Speaker 3>And that's when we woke up and it was like this epiphany happened, where we finally made a decision to take responsibility of our life, of our future, and we started questioning a lot of the things that were taught to us from the past.

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<v Speaker 3>And so, from that is when we got introduced to Tony Robbins, we started listening to his audio programs.

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<v Speaker 3>We go to his events and I just remember, michael, I was sitting there, I'm a broke cop at the time San Jose, california, 3,000 people in 2001.

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<v Speaker 3>And I'm sitting there feeling sorry for myself, victim mode, and I remember this big guy just on the stage.

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<v Speaker 3>It was just like me and him and he's speaking to my spirit, saying there's more to you than just this average mediocre life that you're living.

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<v Speaker 3>When would now be a great time to step up From there?

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<v Speaker 3>We just left that event on fire with our personal power, but we didn't have direction, so we were just swinging the bat, Michael.

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<v Speaker 3>But the one thing that we did know was that we wanted to be of service to others, and one of our other mentors, jim Rohn, says greatness is had by service to others.

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<v Speaker 3>So how can you be of service to others?

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<v Speaker 3>And this is where we literally just went full force in our personal development, because, as a police officer, I'm sure a lot of military and veterans will also understand this, because when you're in an environment of negativity, of trauma, of chaos every single day, seeing things that most people will never see and I worked in the hard streets of LA, I'm talking about Rampart 65 different gangs in an eight mile radius, and so that also taught.

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<v Speaker 3>So now we're in the personal development world and we're hanging out with happy people.

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<v Speaker 3>We're hanging out with people that have goals and dreams and I'm like who do I want to spend more time with?

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<v Speaker 3>Let's go over here.

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<v Speaker 3>Your environment and your peer group can make or break you.

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<v Speaker 2>Let's go over here, because your environment and your peer group can make or break you.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and the funny thing is is when you start doing that and my wife and I, Susan, are very similar, but you switch and no one understands the language you're speaking and they're like what happened to them.

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<v Speaker 2>And some are like what happened to them in a good way, and the others are going what?

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<v Speaker 3>Tony Robbins, what cult did you join?

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<v Speaker 2>I drank the Kool-Aid I'll admit that, no doubt, and life has never been better, so I love that.

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<v Speaker 2>And, yvette, will you want to add anything onto that?

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<v Speaker 4>Well, I just think that you know, knowing who our audience is today, I just have such a heart for veterans.

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<v Speaker 4>As a matter of fact, you know we've gifted veterans coming to our events and I just saw the PTSD happen with Dave, even as a police officer, slowly but surely, after seeing dead bodies, after seeing crime, after seeing some of the worst things people should never have to see how his spirit was down he would come home.

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<v Speaker 4>He didn't want to talk about anything.

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<v Speaker 4>Sometimes he said I even smelled a dead body in my nostrils.

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<v Speaker 4>I mean like little things that most humans would never, ever think about.

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<v Speaker 4>And I watched his spirit slowly die and almost towards the end, he didn't want to be around people.

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<v Speaker 4>He didn't want to open up the door for the UPS guy.

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<v Speaker 4>He started not trusting people and I watched an amazing man slowly dim his light because of all the PTSD and trauma that he went through.

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<v Speaker 4>I can't even imagine what our veterans experienced.

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<v Speaker 4>So we have a huge heart for you guys and we we know what you experience.

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<v Speaker 4>Nobody else will ever understand.

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<v Speaker 4>But we have such a heart for people and after everything we went through and we learned this, we were like Tony Robbins is amazing, but he's not gonna touch everybody.

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<v Speaker 4>He needs light.

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<v Speaker 4>Other, he's lighting all the torches, empowering us to go help people, and we noticed where vets suffer the most.

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<v Speaker 4>One of the areas they suffer the most is their relationships, and we've seen it with some of our students, and so we have such a heart for people and a heart to serve, and so we're just so grateful for you, Michael, and what you're doing, and we're excited to be here.

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<v Speaker 2>Thank you, thank you so much and thank you for sharing that.

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<v Speaker 2>You know I was talking to some other people and you know they brought to light.

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<v Speaker 2>You know the veterans and I'm not taking anything away from anybody, so understand that.

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<v Speaker 2>So this just want this to come out right.

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<v Speaker 2>Veterans, when they come back, they have time to to adjust generally not enough time and they don't, you know they're.

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<v Speaker 2>They're conditioned to have skills to go do what needs to be done and unfortunately not conditioned to come back into civilian life and that's why there's such a powerful piece for me.

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<v Speaker 2>So that communication and so on that you're talking about is such a key part, whether that be, you know, everybody's grown apart, right, they've been apart Families, the veterans themselves, the spouses, they've all changed.

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<v Speaker 2>Whether it's been two years or 25 years, they've all changed.

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<v Speaker 2>So the communication is one of the very biggest key parts that I am so passionate about.

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<v Speaker 2>So thank you for bringing that up.

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<v Speaker 2>And, dave, you know when you go and you're doing it day after day after day, you don't get that break.

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<v Speaker 2>It can be even tougher.

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<v Speaker 2>You know we're actually putting on an event, probably in about a year, for veterans and first responders just for that reason.

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<v Speaker 2>So thank you for what you did.

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<v Speaker 2>So, if we can, let's get into communication, because someone brought that up.

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<v Speaker 2>So so if you want to start, you know, veterans, of course we just talked, or I just talked about this but what are some key elements that you?

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<v Speaker 2>Let's start with the beginning?

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<v Speaker 2>How do you know?

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<v Speaker 2>Oh shit, hey, I'm in trouble With communication, with that connection with your spouse and your family, kids, whatever that may be.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, we find it.

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<v Speaker 3>When it gets to that level, michael, it's usually there's consistent arguing, consistent silent treatment where, almost like every turn and believe me when I tell you we were there it's just like constant bickering and fighting, and as it escalates it gets into yelling and belittling and making the other person wrong, and so when it gets to that point, we know that it's hit that level of hey, maybe there's something that I am doing.

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<v Speaker 3>Our philosophy at Warriors in Queens is we always start with the individual first, because most families or most couples, I should say they're used to going because nobody wants to call themselves out on their own stuff.

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<v Speaker 3>They easily want to say no, it ain't me, it's you, you're doing this, you're saying this, and so when you blame and you judge and you point the finger, that leads to more chaos in a relationship.

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<v Speaker 3>So we always start with the individual first.

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<v Speaker 3>Let's, let's, clean up your side of the street and see what's going on.

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<v Speaker 3>What are you?

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<v Speaker 3>Are you possibly doing something that is triggering your partner?

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<v Speaker 3>Maybe it's your tone, maybe it's the certain things that you're saying, maybe it's certain ways of being, where you're not following through with your word and you say one thing but you're doing another, what are things that you are doing in your relationship?

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<v Speaker 3>That's leading to the arguments that lead to the blowouts.

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<v Speaker 3>And when you start from that place now, you can start to say, okay, I want to have partnership in my relationship, and with partnership comes conversation.

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<v Speaker 2>So really quick.

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<v Speaker 2>I just want to add something.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm sorry to interrupt because you're getting into this and I love it, but hey, everybody, if it's only someone else, it may not be everyone else.

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<v Speaker 2>Look back in the mirror.

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<v Speaker 2>I think it's really important for people to take that second.

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<v Speaker 2>If it's always somebody else, it may not be Okay.

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<v Speaker 2>Please, dave.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm sorry I interrupted, but that was really important before you got into the next piece.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, no, no, that's great.

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<v Speaker 3>And here's just another simple philosophy and then I'll have Yvette share that we find in the dynamic of a relationship of a woman and a man, a wife and a husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, is that, unfortunately, today women believe that men are hairy women who are misbehaving and they should know better and they are the ones that's going to change them.

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<v Speaker 3>Okay, A lot of women believe that, okay.

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<v Speaker 3>To change them, okay.

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<v Speaker 3>A lot of women believe that, okay.

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<v Speaker 3>But on the other side, men also believe unconsciously, that women are hairless men that talk too much and are over-emotional.

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<v Speaker 3>So when we have that unconscious belief, what do we do?

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<v Speaker 3>We try to change our partner to be more like us, and when we do that, we diminish their light, which causes a lot of chaos in relationships.

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<v Speaker 2>I love that.

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<v Speaker 2>I love that.

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<v Speaker 2>Fantastic yeah.

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<v Speaker 2>Thank you yeah.

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<v Speaker 4>And just a couple of things.

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<v Speaker 4>Like we are wired differently and when you have true partnership in a relationship, it's counterintuitive, like Dave said, he started wanting me to behave more like a man.

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<v Speaker 4>Intuitive, like Dave said he started wanting me to behave more like a man, you know.

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<v Speaker 4>Like why can't you just go to the Apple store when we go to the mall and go right in and get what you needed, rather than stop because there's a shiny object?

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<v Speaker 4>But that is the power of the feminine.

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<v Speaker 4>So we were like well, why can't you come and hang out with my girlfriends and go shopping and have longer conversations with my girlfriends and go shopping and have longer conversations?

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<v Speaker 4>And he's like I'm not wired that way.

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<v Speaker 4>And I'm like well, you would make the sacrifice if you loved me, right?

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<v Speaker 4>So that was us in our younger years.

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<v Speaker 4>But we realized men have 10 to 30 times more testosterone than women.

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<v Speaker 2>How's that for a pattern interrupt?

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<v Speaker 4>imagine that they're wired to run a certain speeds to not see the dirty socks, to not see the dirty dishes.

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<v Speaker 4>But us women have a superpower called diffuse awareness, where we can hear, see a thousand different things.

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<v Speaker 4>We can hear the baby, that thousand different things.

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<v Speaker 4>We can hear the baby that's crying next door, we can remember that our neighbor forgot to take the trash out.

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<v Speaker 4>And so we have a superpower.

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<v Speaker 4>But so we see the dirty socks, we see the dirty dishes.

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<v Speaker 4>And when I go, why isn't he doing it?

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<v Speaker 4>Well, there is power in partnership learning to ask for what you need in a way that it wires the provider to deliver it, rather than complain and nag, complain and nag, because that creates zero results.

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<v Speaker 4>So what we teach at Warriors and Queens turn every complaint into a great ask and let him know what it's going to provide, because they are wired to be providers, they are wired to be the protectors, the keepers of our garden.

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<v Speaker 4>And so if you honor the hero in him, ladies, listen to me, honor the hero in him.

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<v Speaker 4>He is not your child, he is not your, you know your slave at the house.

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<v Speaker 4>There are ways to communicate to get what you need without diminishing his power.

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<v Speaker 2>Wow, love that, absolutely love that.

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<v Speaker 2>I think we just do a drop mic and we're done yeah done.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, a little practical, michael, if we may, because sometimes hearing a theory or philosophy, it makes sense, but when we put it into real life as an example, how many of us maybe I know nobody watching this, but maybe you know people that complain about, let's say, their husband not taking out the trash?

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<v Speaker 3>Can you take out the trash please?

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<v Speaker 3>How come you never take out the trash?

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<v Speaker 3>It's trash day today.

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<v Speaker 3>Can you take out the trash, right?

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<v Speaker 3>So that's one way that sometimes people want the trash to be taken out.

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<v Speaker 3>So instead of having a great ask, they complain about it, or they demand it, or they try to manipulate it, as opposed to if the partner would have a great ask.

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<v Speaker 3>So how do you turn a complaint into a great ask?

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<v Speaker 4>Wait, because, remember, when men are so wired and so focused, the last thing you want to go is interrupt the football game or interrupt when they're working at their computer.

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<v Speaker 4>So wait when there's a window that there can be a conversation.

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<v Speaker 4>Hey babe, can I ask you for a big favor?

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<v Speaker 4>Sure, listen, sunday is trash day and I would really, really love your help taking the trash out.

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<v Speaker 4>And by taking the trash out, what it would provide for me is it would help me feel safer, I would feel more peaceful, I would take a deep breath because I don't have to be outside at night, and it also would just make me feel better about the whole house operation.

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<v Speaker 3>I would take a deep breath because I don't have to be outside at night, and it also would just make me feel better about the whole house operation.

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<v Speaker 3>Would that be a possibility?

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<v Speaker 3>A hundred percent, I'll go take it out right now, sweetie.

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<v Speaker 3>Thank you, babe.

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<v Speaker 3>So now watch this, mike.

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<v Speaker 3>I just want to point something really, really powerful out.

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<v Speaker 3>How she just asked, is she called upon the hero in me and gave me an opportunity to be her provider.

00:17:46.430 --> 00:18:10.589
<v Speaker 3>Now, that's a different way of actually asking for the trash to be taken out than telling me, demanding me or complaining about it, because now that's partnership, where she's honoring the hero and as the hero I'm going to step into wanting to provide what she wants, not because she's controlling or manipulating, but because she's seeking my inspired devotion.

00:18:11.316 --> 00:18:12.099
<v Speaker 2>That's beautiful, man.

00:18:12.099 --> 00:18:13.540
<v Speaker 2>Guys, that was fantastic.

00:18:13.540 --> 00:18:16.503
<v Speaker 2>I was literally going to ask me role play and he went right into it.

00:18:16.503 --> 00:18:18.079
<v Speaker 2>It's like I'm not even needed here.

00:18:18.079 --> 00:18:18.923
<v Speaker 2>That was fantastic.

00:18:18.923 --> 00:18:23.144
<v Speaker 2>Such a game changer, right?

00:18:23.144 --> 00:18:25.701
<v Speaker 2>It's fantastic.

00:18:25.701 --> 00:18:27.201
<v Speaker 2>So please, man.

00:18:28.154 --> 00:18:45.301
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, no, I was just going to say when you start to speak in a way that empowers each other rather than diminish each other the world opens up to be able to do the things that God put in your heart to do in life, because you're not spending so much time with tension, arguing and bickering.

00:18:46.042 --> 00:18:47.726
<v Speaker 2>I love it, absolutely love it, guys.

00:18:47.726 --> 00:18:52.398
<v Speaker 2>I mean, can we do the opposite as well, so that our viewers can see that happen as well?

00:18:53.760 --> 00:18:56.365
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, absolutely so.

00:18:56.365 --> 00:19:03.824
<v Speaker 4>Basically, one of the things that women need is to be able to tell them about our day.

00:19:03.824 --> 00:19:09.440
<v Speaker 4>Okay, a lot of times we get shut down and we don't feel seen or we don't feel safe.

00:19:09.440 --> 00:19:23.684
<v Speaker 4>So, a lot of times when, when the gentleman comes home from work, for example, and the lady's been working with the kids, running the kitchen, doing a million things, or maybe she even went to work and came back, there's a lot of clash when coming home.

00:19:23.684 --> 00:19:31.343
<v Speaker 4>So, gentlemen, we will tell you the biggest hint we don't want to be fixed even though.

00:19:31.502 --> 00:19:33.605
<v Speaker 4>God wired you to fix.

00:19:33.605 --> 00:19:38.440
<v Speaker 4>The way you can fix us is by listening to us.

00:19:38.440 --> 00:19:40.944
<v Speaker 4>So we'll do a little role play of him coming home.

00:19:40.944 --> 00:19:47.559
<v Speaker 4>Ladies, don't attack him with everything you wanted to say all day long as soon as they walk in the door.

00:19:47.559 --> 00:19:49.586
<v Speaker 4>We had a client that we were working with.

00:19:49.586 --> 00:19:54.105
<v Speaker 4>She's like I was waiting for him in the garage ready to tell him about my day.

00:19:54.105 --> 00:19:57.601
<v Speaker 4>So we're going to give you guys a secret and a really powerful tool.

00:19:58.041 --> 00:20:09.207
<v Speaker 3>Before we do that, I think it's important to know that when you understand and truly know that men and women are wired differently, then we communicate differently, which means we also receive communication differently.

00:20:09.207 --> 00:20:22.449
<v Speaker 3>There was a study done with children back in the day and they put a young girl, a baby toddler, and her parents on the other side and in between the toddler and the parents they put an obstacle.

00:20:22.449 --> 00:20:29.888
<v Speaker 3>And when the baby girl got to the obstacle and trying and seeing her parents on the other side, she would start crying hysterically.

00:20:29.888 --> 00:20:36.179
<v Speaker 3>Okay, they did the same thing with the baby little baby boy, a toddler and the parents on the other side, and they put an obstacle.

00:20:36.179 --> 00:20:42.840
<v Speaker 3>Well, when the boy, the little baby boy, got to the obstacle, he started climbing the obstacle, he started laughing, he started playful.

00:20:42.840 --> 00:20:45.625
<v Speaker 3>It was more like a challenge for him to get to his parents.

00:20:45.625 --> 00:20:47.707
<v Speaker 3>And so what does that tell us?

00:20:47.707 --> 00:20:53.906
<v Speaker 3>It tells us that men and women are wired differently when an obstacle or a problem shows up.

00:20:53.906 --> 00:21:00.344
<v Speaker 3>So when our ladies are communicating with us, as men, we're wired to solve problems.

00:21:00.344 --> 00:21:02.808
<v Speaker 3>So when they're talking to us, we're listening.

00:21:02.808 --> 00:21:05.202
<v Speaker 3>What is the purpose of this conversation?

00:21:05.202 --> 00:21:11.957
<v Speaker 3>Is there anything that I need to do to fix something to solve, something to serve her, to solve the problem.

00:21:12.898 --> 00:21:17.307
<v Speaker 3>Most women, when they're talking to us, they just want to be heard.

00:21:17.307 --> 00:21:21.105
<v Speaker 3>What Yvette's talking about is called the metal report.

00:21:21.105 --> 00:21:26.201
<v Speaker 3>They just want to share their day because they get love through connection and conversation.

00:21:26.201 --> 00:21:36.169
<v Speaker 3>They don't want to be fixed, they don't need you to solve a problem, they just want you to be present and allow them to what we call empty their basket.

00:21:36.169 --> 00:21:45.474
<v Speaker 3>So once a day I'll come to Yvette and because I already know the tension's building up, all the information that's coming in throughout her day, the tension's building up, all the information that's coming in throughout her day, the tension's building up.

00:21:45.474 --> 00:21:57.066
<v Speaker 3>If your lady is tense and so much information and she's not getting it out, it shuts her down, it overwhelms her, which means less intimacy.

00:21:57.066 --> 00:21:58.821
<v Speaker 3>Let's just put it that way, right?

00:21:58.821 --> 00:22:07.189
<v Speaker 3>So I'll come to Yvette once a day and I'll say, hey, babe, would you like to empty your basket right now or tell me how your day went?

00:22:08.371 --> 00:22:14.323
<v Speaker 4>Oh, that was it.

00:22:20.455 --> 00:22:24.167
<v Speaker 3>Awesome Is is there anything you want me to do with that information?

00:22:24.167 --> 00:22:26.194
<v Speaker 3>No, nine times out of 10, to do with that information?

00:22:26.194 --> 00:22:29.441
<v Speaker 3>No, nine times out of 10, that's going to be the answer.

00:22:29.441 --> 00:22:33.602
<v Speaker 3>There might be one time where she's like, yes, you know what, I can really use your support on this.

00:22:33.602 --> 00:22:36.438
<v Speaker 3>But nine times out of 10, and now guess what just happened.

00:22:36.438 --> 00:22:43.217
<v Speaker 3>Partnership she got to share her day and she got to get connected to the love of her life.

00:22:43.217 --> 00:22:45.900
<v Speaker 3>She didn't, she didn't feel less than good enough.

00:22:45.940 --> 00:22:57.451
<v Speaker 3>Because here's this, the subconscious message that sometimes we send our partner and our wives and our girlfriends is if I'm trying to solve a problem and fix her, then at some level maybe I think she's not good enough for me.

00:22:57.451 --> 00:23:00.403
<v Speaker 3>Why would you try to fix me or change me?

00:23:00.403 --> 00:23:07.141
<v Speaker 3>And so you're tugging on an unconscious thought that they have that they might not be good enough or they might lose love.

00:23:07.141 --> 00:23:12.780
<v Speaker 3>So that one little thing of holding the basket, having her share the meta report and just listen.

00:23:12.780 --> 00:23:13.804
<v Speaker 3>Now, guys, here's the key.

00:23:13.804 --> 00:23:15.395
<v Speaker 3>You've got to be present.

00:23:15.395 --> 00:23:29.210
<v Speaker 3>So here's the challenge with most men in my experience is we're running 100 miles a minute and we got 50 things going on with our cell phones, weapons of mass distraction, the worries of tomorrow and the pains of the past.

00:23:29.210 --> 00:23:41.959
<v Speaker 3>And our ladies can tell when we're not listening we may be right there, but if our eyes start to get glazed over because we're thinking about that pickleball shot that we should have hit better, then boom.

00:23:42.019 --> 00:24:03.147
<v Speaker 2>I love it, I love it, I love it and it's true, what you're saying is absolute truth, but they Susan knows it's like okay, yes, you're right, I'm sorry and and you're totally right, I love that and and just great information, man, um, and absolutely fantastic.

00:24:03.167 --> 00:24:04.069
<v Speaker 2>Can I can I ask?

00:24:04.069 --> 00:24:05.633
<v Speaker 2>We got about six minutes left here.

00:24:05.633 --> 00:24:31.794
<v Speaker 2>So, um, can I ask maybe more role play, um, when, when, when a veteran um comes home and again they're the and this is kind of the key part where I deal with the most is with transition, so when they're first coming home and they're really having trouble with communication, so with the family, and let's not focus on the kids necessarily right now, but just the spouses, or girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever the case may be.

00:24:31.794 --> 00:24:36.931
<v Speaker 2>Can you give some tips and some thoughts on the best ways to break the walls down?

00:24:36.931 --> 00:24:47.773
<v Speaker 2>If you will and I know you've touched base on this, but if we can go a little deeper, when someone's really struggling from coming back from the military or the day with the first responder, you know either.

00:24:47.773 --> 00:24:50.428
<v Speaker 2>Either way, can you give some tips or thoughts there?

00:24:52.157 --> 00:24:52.460
<v Speaker 3>Absolutely.

00:24:52.460 --> 00:24:57.853
<v Speaker 3>One of the one of the great frameworks that we teach is called honoring transition time.

00:24:57.853 --> 00:25:09.349
<v Speaker 3>Honoring transition time Because, as men, and especially if you're in military, you've learned how to be laser focused for a specific outcome.

00:25:09.349 --> 00:25:13.701
<v Speaker 3>And we teach two different modes hunting mode and gathering mode.

00:25:13.701 --> 00:25:18.871
<v Speaker 3>Hunting mode is all about being laser focused with an outcome, and this is where you got to go hunt a deer.

00:25:18.871 --> 00:25:19.952
<v Speaker 3>You can't get distracted.

00:25:19.952 --> 00:25:20.933
<v Speaker 3>There's no flexibility.

00:25:20.933 --> 00:25:25.170
<v Speaker 3>You got to stay focused, so it's linear until you reach that outcome.

00:25:25.170 --> 00:25:32.630
<v Speaker 3>Gathering mode, on the other side, is more open, more flexible, gathering through the meadow, looking at the berries, remembering where you came from.

00:25:32.630 --> 00:25:35.048
<v Speaker 3>So you're open to conversation, you're more flexible.

00:25:35.048 --> 00:25:42.623
<v Speaker 3>You're not necessarily focused on an outcome.

00:25:42.623 --> 00:25:44.244
<v Speaker 3>You're more free, observant, spontaneous, right.

00:25:44.244 --> 00:25:44.608
<v Speaker 3>So those are the two modes that we're in.

00:25:44.516 --> 00:26:04.189
<v Speaker 3>But when somebody's in hunting mode and let's say they're at work where I used to be a police officer and I'd come home and I'm in hunting mode because the person that's in hunting mode it's very difficult to go from work mode to husband mode without some sort of transition, because we we need to transition from one mode to the other.

00:26:04.189 --> 00:26:05.131
<v Speaker 3>Absolutely.

00:26:05.131 --> 00:26:06.012
<v Speaker 3>Does that make sense?

00:26:06.012 --> 00:26:08.925
<v Speaker 3>Yes, so when I would come home, this was the the challenge.

00:26:08.925 --> 00:26:09.848
<v Speaker 3>I would come home.

00:26:09.848 --> 00:26:10.980
<v Speaker 3>We didn't understand any of this stuff.

00:26:10.980 --> 00:26:20.742
<v Speaker 3>So yvette would be home, she'd just make dinner and immediately because she wants to gather, she wants to communicate she would come and she'd give me a kiss on the cheek and she would start telling me about her entire day.

00:26:20.742 --> 00:26:27.364
<v Speaker 3>And I would look at her in my and thinking I got to go change, I got to go shower, but I wouldn't say anything.

00:26:27.364 --> 00:26:30.172
<v Speaker 3>I kind of was just rude and I would move on and I would leave.

00:26:30.172 --> 00:26:37.670
<v Speaker 3>And now she felt dishonored and disrespected and lost connection because I didn't sit there and talk to her and listen to her about her day.

00:26:37.670 --> 00:26:45.368
<v Speaker 3>Now I would go change, I would take a shower, I, unconsciously, I would do something to transition so that I can be her husband.

00:26:45.368 --> 00:26:48.526
<v Speaker 3>So now I come out, I'm ready to be her husband.

00:26:48.586 --> 00:27:04.708
<v Speaker 3>I transitioned from police officer to husband and now we're sitting down at the dinner table and she's giving me the silent treatment, right Totally, and I'm trying to figure out what happened and she's upset because I just I disconnect, I disconnected and I'm trying to talk and she's giving me the silent treatment.

00:27:04.708 --> 00:27:16.953
<v Speaker 3>You know she's very short with her answers and so now none of us know what's going on other than now it's time to go to sleep, and she's sleeping on her side of the bed, I'm sleeping on mine, and we had no idea what happened because we didn't know how to talk about it.

00:27:16.953 --> 00:27:22.712
<v Speaker 3>So, today, what we teach couples and people is to honor transition time.

00:27:22.712 --> 00:27:34.597
<v Speaker 3>So when you're hunting partner and, by the way, sometimes women are also in hunting mode because of the way we are today, right, so when your partner comes home, how do we honor transition time?

00:27:34.959 --> 00:27:35.119
<v Speaker 4>Yeah.

00:27:35.119 --> 00:27:43.451
<v Speaker 4>So if it's like a daily thing when he comes home remember I told you about the lady waiting in the garage for her husband so I run to the door.

00:27:43.451 --> 00:27:49.827
<v Speaker 4>We are like so, hey, babe, how are you welcome babe with you?

00:27:49.827 --> 00:27:52.352
<v Speaker 4>Go do your thing.

00:27:52.352 --> 00:27:54.795
<v Speaker 4>Now he goes, he does his transition.

00:27:54.795 --> 00:27:59.125
<v Speaker 4>We already talked about what is the transition ritual that you need?

00:27:59.125 --> 00:28:03.619
<v Speaker 4>He said I need about 15 minutes, I need a shower, I want to change clothes.

00:28:03.619 --> 00:28:09.571
<v Speaker 4>And then he comes in and he's like okay, babe, so tell me about your day.

00:28:09.571 --> 00:28:11.141
<v Speaker 4>And he's holding the basket.

00:28:11.981 --> 00:28:16.086
<v Speaker 4>That changed so much in our marriage.

00:28:16.086 --> 00:28:24.576
<v Speaker 4>I can't even tell you how heard, seen and safe I feel and how respected and appreciated he feels.

00:28:24.576 --> 00:28:27.009
<v Speaker 4>And you can do the same thing for the other way around.

00:28:27.009 --> 00:28:31.230
<v Speaker 4>You know, if the spouse is coming home and maybe the gentleman was at house.

00:28:31.230 --> 00:28:39.674
<v Speaker 4>Also, if you're in the military and you need a certain time coming home as a vet, you need some type of transition.

00:28:39.674 --> 00:28:41.527
<v Speaker 4>Ask for what you need.

00:28:41.527 --> 00:28:44.950
<v Speaker 4>Listen, I'm not going to be able to talk about what's going on.

00:28:44.950 --> 00:28:47.268
<v Speaker 4>This is what I need for a little while.

00:28:47.268 --> 00:28:53.048
<v Speaker 4>I need time to work out, I need time to process and then I'll let you know when I'm ready.

00:28:53.048 --> 00:29:01.446
<v Speaker 4>Ask for what you need, because whatever is left in the world of the unsaid is what starts hurting relationships.

00:29:01.928 --> 00:29:03.530
<v Speaker 2>Absolutely Fantastic guys.

00:29:03.530 --> 00:29:04.693
<v Speaker 2>Absolutely fantastic.

00:29:04.693 --> 00:29:12.622
<v Speaker 2>And that communication, especially when transition is happening and throughout life as a human being, it's super important.

00:29:12.622 --> 00:29:15.268
<v Speaker 2>So really really appreciate those amazing tips.

00:29:15.268 --> 00:29:16.791
<v Speaker 2>Really do Fantastic.

00:29:16.791 --> 00:29:27.257
<v Speaker 2>So we're at the end of the show and, man, we got to get you guys back like 10 more times.

00:29:27.257 --> 00:29:33.060
<v Speaker 2>Fantastic, Thank you.

00:29:33.080 --> 00:29:36.691
<v Speaker 3>So can you give us our three tips for getting veterans and their families further.

00:29:36.691 --> 00:29:37.192
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, great question.

00:29:37.192 --> 00:29:50.132
<v Speaker 3>So the three tips, as we talked about one would be honoring transition time and making sure that you know about transition time and honor it, and the more you do that, the more your partner you're going to have better communication.

00:29:50.132 --> 00:29:51.402
<v Speaker 3>What would you say?

00:29:51.461 --> 00:30:00.142
<v Speaker 4>another tip would be Number two would be turn complaints into great asks and let the person know what it's going to provide.

00:30:00.142 --> 00:30:06.941
<v Speaker 4>Stack the providing, because that really, really makes it worth it for the partner to deliver on.

00:30:08.604 --> 00:30:21.105
<v Speaker 3>Third thing I'll share with you, michael, I would say, is surround yourself with an empowering community is massively, massively important, especially in the area of relationships.

00:30:21.105 --> 00:30:30.743
<v Speaker 3>You tell me the five people that you're hanging out with and within 10 to 20%, I'll tell you exactly what your income is, what your relationship score is, what your health is.

00:30:30.743 --> 00:30:34.852
<v Speaker 3>So who you hang out with is who you start to become.

00:30:34.852 --> 00:30:44.404
<v Speaker 3>If you lie down with dogs, you've come up with fleas, but if you soar with eagles, you can achieve things that you've never even dreamed of, and your past doesn't equal your future.

00:30:44.404 --> 00:30:51.111
<v Speaker 3>So just because you had a certain group of friends and maybe they're not uplifting you or empowering, you, find an empowering peer group.

00:30:51.111 --> 00:31:00.932
<v Speaker 3>That's why we created Warriors and Queens, kind of selfishly, because we wanted to surround ourselves with other people that valued relationships that held each other to a higher standard.

00:31:00.932 --> 00:31:14.012
<v Speaker 3>And, michael, because of the amazing work that you're doing and you're aware I feel your passion for veterans and I just think it's so amazing on how many podcasts that you do, the time and energy you put into it as a gift.

00:31:14.422 --> 00:31:19.601
<v Speaker 3>What yvette and I would love to do is scholarship two of your community members.

00:31:19.601 --> 00:31:20.182
<v Speaker 3>You choose them.

00:31:20.182 --> 00:31:35.729
<v Speaker 3>However, you want to two tickets to our live event that's coming up in September, of the 27th to the 29th here in Palm Beach Gardens, that weekend I'm just telling you Friday, saturday, sunday it's about 10 years of therapy in a weekend.

00:31:35.729 --> 00:31:37.532
<v Speaker 3>I promise you that.

00:31:37.532 --> 00:31:38.721
<v Speaker 3>So, michael, you choose.

00:31:38.721 --> 00:31:39.624
<v Speaker 3>Whoever the two are.

00:31:39.624 --> 00:31:45.508
<v Speaker 3>You can do a raffle, you can do a contest, however you want to do it, and we will scholarship two veterans to our event this year.

00:31:45.769 --> 00:31:48.800
<v Speaker 2>for you, chills and everything, chills and everything.

00:31:48.800 --> 00:31:50.124
<v Speaker 2>Thank you so much.

00:31:50.124 --> 00:31:52.207
<v Speaker 2>That is amazing.

00:31:52.207 --> 00:31:54.250
<v Speaker 2>That is just amazing for you guys to do that.

00:31:54.250 --> 00:31:56.794
<v Speaker 2>Wow, wasn't expecting that.

00:31:56.794 --> 00:31:59.647
<v Speaker 2>Everybody, again, thank you, and we'll be there.

00:31:59.647 --> 00:32:04.771
<v Speaker 2>So I'm excited for being there and getting to play with you guys for sure.

00:32:04.771 --> 00:32:06.887
<v Speaker 2>So, again, thank you for doing that.

00:32:06.887 --> 00:32:08.807
<v Speaker 2>And how do people reach you?

00:32:10.740 --> 00:32:11.623
<v Speaker 4>Absolutely so.

00:32:11.623 --> 00:32:15.732
<v Speaker 4>Warriorsandqueenscom is our website.

00:32:15.732 --> 00:32:18.153
<v Speaker 4>You can find us in Facebook under Warriors and Queens dot com is our Web site.

00:32:18.153 --> 00:32:19.279
<v Speaker 4>You can find us in Facebook under Warriors and Queens.

00:32:19.279 --> 00:32:23.308
<v Speaker 4>And we also would like to offer a little gift, michael, if you're open.

00:32:23.308 --> 00:32:25.173
<v Speaker 4>Just a little gift at the end.

00:32:25.359 --> 00:32:31.128
<v Speaker 4>If you guys want one of our e-courses, you go to Warriors and Queens dot com.

00:32:31.128 --> 00:32:36.468
<v Speaker 4>Forward, slash the number three and then the word steps so Warriors and Queens dot.

00:32:36.468 --> 00:32:37.534
<v Speaker 4>And then the word steps so warriorsandqueenscom.

00:32:37.534 --> 00:32:37.875
<v Speaker 4>Forward.

00:32:37.875 --> 00:32:39.402
<v Speaker 4>Slash three steps.

00:32:39.402 --> 00:33:07.771
<v Speaker 4>We're going to gift you our free e-course on taking your life to the next level with relationships, and you will learn some of the things that cause breakdowns in relationships, that are subconscious, that most people don't even realize how to heal the brokenness of a relationship and how to take steps forward in creating an unshakable relationship, because we believe that you can have an unshakable relationship.

00:33:07.771 --> 00:33:10.710
<v Speaker 4>So find us, dave and Yvette Ulloa.

00:33:10.710 --> 00:33:12.989
<v Speaker 4>We're on Facebook, instagram, tiktok.

00:33:12.989 --> 00:33:26.986
<v Speaker 4>But more importantly, we want to be connected to your heart, because you have a heart to serve and we thank you for all that you have done for our freedom, and we just have such a love for the veterans all over the world.

00:33:27.666 --> 00:33:28.048
<v Speaker 2>Thank you.

00:33:28.048 --> 00:33:29.111
<v Speaker 2>Thank you guys very much.

00:33:29.111 --> 00:33:30.461
<v Speaker 2>I'm honored to know you people.

00:33:30.461 --> 00:33:33.587
<v Speaker 2>Your souls shine bright, so thank you.

00:33:33.587 --> 00:33:35.673
<v Speaker 2>As we go, I just want to again thank you.

00:33:35.673 --> 00:33:37.163
<v Speaker 2>You know time is the most precious resource we have as humans.

00:33:37.163 --> 00:33:37.605
<v Speaker 2>We don't get it back.

00:33:37.605 --> 00:33:37.946
<v Speaker 2>So thank you, um.

00:33:37.946 --> 00:33:38.809
<v Speaker 2>As we go, I just want to again thank you.

00:33:38.809 --> 00:33:40.174
<v Speaker 2>You know time is the most precious resource we have as humans.

00:33:40.174 --> 00:33:40.635
<v Speaker 2>We don't get it back.

00:33:40.635 --> 00:33:41.700
<v Speaker 2>So thank you so much for spending this time with us.

00:33:42.101 --> 00:33:50.481
<v Speaker 2>Um, making it feel like christmas in june, for for our listeners oh so thank you again, and I can't wait to have you back on the show.

00:33:50.501 --> 00:34:02.288
<v Speaker 1>All right, everybody, we are out of here thank you for joining us on another insightful journey of your Thoughts your Reality podcast with your host, michael Cole.

00:34:02.288 --> 00:34:05.930
<v Speaker 1>We hope the conversation sparked some thoughts that resonate with you.

00:34:05.930 --> 00:34:12.487
<v Speaker 1>To dive deeper into empowering your thoughts and enhancing your reality, visit empowerperformancestrategiescom.

00:34:12.487 --> 00:34:17.490
<v Speaker 1>Remember your thoughts shape your reality, so make them count.

00:34:17.490 --> 00:34:22.552
<v Speaker 1>Until next time, stay inspired and keep creating the reality you desire.

00:34:22.552 --> 00:34:24.306
<v Speaker 1>Catch you on the next episode.