BONUS: How Do I Parent This? with Kail Lowry

00:00:05
Speaker 1: Hello, my love, it is Lala Can Welcome to the bonus episode of They Give Them La La Pod with Cale Lowry. Hello, my love, Hello, welcome back.

00:00:14
Speaker 2: Thanks for having me.

00:00:15
Speaker 1: I have so many people who are asking wild, wild, fucking questions about parenting things that I haven't had to think about yet because my oldest is four. Okay, you're kind of you've got all the ages right, seasoned, you are seasoned af So the first question from Julianne underscore Losa says, son fifteen years old wanting to go in bedroom with girlfriend?

00:00:42
Speaker 2: Oh no, hard, past hard, no.

00:00:46
Speaker 1: Hell those when you're fifteen, fifteen to sixteen? What happens? What you end up on? Sixteen and pregnant?

00:00:52
Speaker 3: What was that line from Mean Girls? You will get pregnant and die. Not happening, not on my watch. Here's the thing, this is the part that's controversial, is like teenagers are gonna find a way to do what they want to do right totally, and you guys can live in denial about it, or you can just look in the mirror and face the music.

00:01:11
Speaker 2: Right.

00:01:12
Speaker 3: No, we're gonna we're gonna shut that down really quick. You guys can do you know, go to the basement and leave the door open. You know, siblings can come in and out. You can go in the living room, you can go outside, but we're not going in a bedroom and we're not closing the door.

00:01:25
Speaker 2: It's never happening.

00:01:26
Speaker 1: Okay, So I fifteen is young. I lost my virginity at seventeen when I was with my boyfriend, who I lost my virginity too. I was told later that my dad was like, you're letting Lauren sleep with her boyfriend and have sleepovers. And my mom was like, if they're gonna have sex, they'll figure out a way to do it in the car at school, They'll figure out how to do it in a bathroom at school. Like, they'll figure it out. So my mom was like, I'm going to try and teach my kid this is how we, you know, practice safe sex and whatnot, because we were fucking like rabbits. But I also wasn't fifteen, so you're on the hard end of like, you're not going to bed with each other.

00:02:14
Speaker 3: You're not going to bed, But I understand that it's still gonna probably happen, But y'all all better get creative because it's not gonna happen.

00:02:20
Speaker 2: On my watch.

00:02:21
Speaker 1: Oh I love that. Okay, yeah, go get creative then, because my creative I gotta prevent it, scale it back, you know.

00:02:30
Speaker 3: But outside of that, I'm not gonna like make it comfortable.

00:02:34
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna make it easy. You're not gonna go like we do have a camper, I gotta lock the camper door, you know what I mean?

00:02:38
Speaker 1: Oh my god, you have a Hella fun house? Are we teaching? I mean your oldest is fifteen and a half.

00:02:48
Speaker 2: Yeah.

00:02:49
Speaker 1: Have we had sex talks or sex talks?

00:02:52
Speaker 3: Condoms? STDs? And that's the other thing too. I think there's such a heavy emphasis on pregnancies and not enough emphasis on STDs. There she can't get.

00:03:02
Speaker 2: Rid of them.

00:03:03
Speaker 3: I No, sure you can get the clap and go get some meds, but there are certain ones you can't get rid of ever. And now you have to explain that to every partner. And I'm not trying to stigmatize it by any means, but I'm just like, this is a conversation that I feel like we're dropping the ball on in terms of the you know, the sex talks.

00:03:19
Speaker 1: I so agree with you. Yeah, And I grew up in Utah where it was like there was no separation between church and state, so church was like very heavy. I didn't grow up Mormon, but it was like, why are we having these conversations that are so just like like, don't do this because you could get pregnant and not go to heaven. It's like, what the fuck?

00:03:43
Speaker 3: Just like weird conversations that you're just like, let's be logical about this.

00:03:47
Speaker 2: Please please write.

00:03:49
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm dreading the sex talks Jillian ray Mason. How do you deal with mom guilt with giving your firstborn enough love as the newborn? So you've had multiple newborns?

00:04:06
Speaker 2: Yeah?

00:04:06
Speaker 1: Did it get easier as Isaac got older.

00:04:10
Speaker 3: I had a really hard time while I was pregnant with my second because I was like, I don't think there's any way that I'll love this baby the way that I love my first child, Like I just didn't know what that was going to be like. And I quickly learned that love multiplies, it doesn't divide. So the more kids I had, the more love I had.

00:04:29
Speaker 2: It was weird.

00:04:30
Speaker 3: I don't know how to explain it. So it's like if you put a circle around a circle around a circle.

00:04:34
Speaker 2: It was like the love got bigger Yeah.

00:04:36
Speaker 3: And I also think that the age gap between my first and second was really helpful too, because I had one on one time with Isaac, and then when he went to preschool in kindergarten, I had a newborn and so I gave that one on one time to just Lincoln, and so that's sort of what the pattern was.

00:04:51
Speaker 2: I don't know that.

00:04:52
Speaker 3: There's ever a way to get around mom gil ever, Like I truly think that it's something that unfortunately we have inherently.

00:05:00
Speaker 1: I think so too, And I think once you kind of conquer the one with this question, I do understand if we're talking about a newborn, you've got the hormones that are just raging. And I actually felt the same way that you felt cale when I was pregnant with Ocean. I had a very different feeling than I had when I was pregnant with Sosa, my second daughter, And I was like, I don't think I'm gonna love this baby as much as I love Ocean, Like I'm not feeling the same way that I felt when I was pregnant with Ocean. And when Sosa was born, I was like so terrified when she came out. I was like when they lay this baby on my chest, Like what if I don't what if I'm not feeling this chick? Yeah, and you're right. I love what you said that it multiplies, it doesn't divide.

00:05:52
Speaker 2: Yeah.

00:05:52
Speaker 3: I have chills because I remember Macy from Teen Moms specifically like reaching out to me and being like, Caile, I am having my second. I don't know if I she felt the same, and I sort of explained it to her, and that was years ago. But I think it's a feeling that no mom really wants to talk about. And but I don't know, it's it's it's a weird I don't know how to I don't know how to describe it.

00:06:12
Speaker 1: I have a question for you. So you had your second, Lincoln with your husband at the time. Yeah, Macy had her second with a husband, right, Yes, Okay, so all three of us have had babies where there's almost a bit of I won't speak for you, but for me, I feel a tremendous trauma bond with my first born. Yes, and I think we have a special place in our hearts for the first because it was not an ideal situation. We were in fight mode for these kids, yep, yep, and the second it was kind of like we got to experience motherhood the way you're supposed to. It's supposed to be fun, it's supposed to be you know, normal, you deal with the normal hormones and what goes into it. But the first was like the moment they were born, it was Duke's up, like, I will fuck you up for this. Baby.

00:07:13
Speaker 3: You come out guns blazing, like you grow up together, and so you're sort of experiencing different aspects of life together as the first time mom versus the second one is a little bit more chill.

00:07:25
Speaker 1: I feel, yeah, like we we I kind of know what we're doing, you know, like that baby's like I'm new to the world and you're like, I got you though, because I did this, I've done this before. Yeah, yeah, okay, so I love that. Christy five Lynn says, how do you deal with kids feeling left out?

00:07:42
Speaker 3: Carving out one in one time? I'm a big proponent of that. I will scream that from the rooftops until the day I die. Is like making sure if that's what they're talking about, maybe like siblings left out in terms of friends.

00:07:54
Speaker 2: We don't have time for that shit. We'll just move on to the next thing, you know what I mean?

00:07:58
Speaker 1: Do they feel left out amongst each other? They all play pretty well.

00:08:02
Speaker 3: My middle two will be like, oh, you love him more than me, or you know, you said he looked nice today and you didn't say I looked nice today, So like in that.

00:08:10
Speaker 2: Way, But I think that's just like a siblings thing.

00:08:13
Speaker 1: Yeah, sometimes, like these kids are smart. They there are times where Ocean will say something to me and I know the difference between this is a genuine uh, this is a genuine comment, or you're trying to hustle me for the ice cream in the fridge.

00:08:28
Speaker 2: They know, they know.

00:08:32
Speaker 1: I don't know when. I don't know if it's always been this way, but kids are so freaking smart now.

00:08:37
Speaker 2: So smart, and I'm like, where did you learn this?

00:08:40
Speaker 1: Right? Yeah, my daughter is uh doing kissy faces and hearthands and I'm like, oh, what the fuck is this? And there are people that are like, it's her mom, and I go, I haven't done a kissy face since I was twenty two.

00:08:53
Speaker 2: I do it every day. So my daughter always is like and I'm like, nope, that's me, definitely me.

00:08:59
Speaker 1: So you think maybe the kissy face was just inherited yeah, because you know we all love to kissy face. Back in the day in.

00:09:06
Speaker 2: High school, you couldn't tell me anything. Now I'm doing it again. I'm doing peace signs are.

00:09:10
Speaker 1: Back, the peace sign and kissy face and heart hands. I'm like maybe Taylor Swift. I don't know what kind of music do your kids like? Like what artists post alone?

00:09:21
Speaker 2: Yeah, we're big Posty, Jelly Rowl, Morgan Wallin.

00:09:25
Speaker 3: My second son's big into rap. But I couldn't name a rap song to save my life.

00:09:30
Speaker 2: Really no, I can't. I mean I used to listen to it, but times had changed.

00:09:35
Speaker 1: I mean, I isn't good anymore. Yeah, what is like?

00:09:39
Speaker 2: Is Drake still around?

00:09:41
Speaker 1: Drake kind of got buried by Kendrick Lamore, Okay, Yeah, I think he's trying to just like re establish who he is. I mean I still fuck with Drake pretty hard. But you know, my four year old is very into like TLC and Love. She loves no Scrubs. She's very into Dream. I don't know if you remember dream. Of course, he loves you, not you, though, I'm not sure it's the healthiest of music that I'm subjecting.

00:10:13
Speaker 3: What they're singing. Why do you let them listen to this. My four year old also sings no scrubs. He'll literally ask for it. And I just am thinking, I did not know what I was singing back then, so they don't know what they're singing.

00:10:24
Speaker 1: They have no idea.

00:10:26
Speaker 2: Let that be the trauma.

00:10:27
Speaker 1: Let that the trauma is my mom. Let me listen to TLC too young.

00:10:33
Speaker 2: It's fine.

00:10:33
Speaker 1: I can think of worse things. Yo, yeah, says what do you have planned in case? Okay, this is dark, but I'm asking you, Okay, what do you have planned in case you pass away unexpectedly? Oh?

00:10:49
Speaker 3: I talk about this all the time. I do not want to live past sixty five. Okay, my kids know this. This is a common conversation in the household. I have a living will. All of my kids get a million dollars each. I have a whole estate plan that I've been working on. Well, it's been done for a long time, but I've had it. I've had it for a really long time. So no worries.

00:11:10
Speaker 1: And they go to their dads. Oh if they're like not eighteen, yeah they're not eighteen.

00:11:16
Speaker 2: Yeah. All of them go to their dads, except for to go to go to my cousin.

00:11:21
Speaker 1: Yeah, the ninety ten, right, I'm sorry, is that rude? I'm just gonna call him the ninety ten, the ninety ten.

00:11:33
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm changing his contact to my phone ninety ten.

00:11:37
Speaker 1: I mean, it's such I feel like, and I don't know if this is just like a generational thing, Like my mother doesn't even have like a will or an estate plan, not that we need it because we're grown adults now her kids, but like even just things going into probate, Whereas like I've got all my shit lined up, like I got ducks in a row.

00:12:01
Speaker 3: One thousand, and I update mine pretty regularly because I just get like, as circumstances.

00:12:05
Speaker 1: You just have more kids, so you have to.

00:12:09
Speaker 3: I have to, like, well that was one of them, like the life insurance and stuff like that. It's like, oh, I got to make sure that everyone gets an equal amount, and then I got to figure that out because who's going to get the house, and then like you know, I got to figure.

00:12:20
Speaker 2: It all out.

00:12:21
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, we don't.

00:12:22
Speaker 3: Actually, like the fucked up part is that we live under unique circumstances, and so I don't if something happens to me, I don't want to throw them to the wolves and say, like, you got to figure this out. So I got us here, so I kind of have to figure out what happens if I'm gone, Like I don't want them to have to like go bankrupt or like have to pay bills that they don't have money.

00:12:44
Speaker 2: Like, I don't know. It's just a weird. It's such a weird place to be to.

00:12:47
Speaker 1: Think about you dead, yes, and yeah, fucking crazy and so dark when you're going through that entire situation of like if you die, what do you want to have happened to this? I cried most of those conversations.

00:13:01
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's hard because you really have to put yourself in that space.

00:13:05
Speaker 1: Yes, Oh my god, Kelsey underscore skinner, how do you stay calm uh with a toddler? She's struggling and feels very guilty.

00:13:14
Speaker 3: Okay, So one of the things one of my kids has, it's called p C. It it's like parent let therapy where parents go with the child and we are trying to tackle like those big emotions. And she was telling me that when a child is having like a meltdown or something, you sort of have to not ignore it, but you do have to wait until they calm down to have those conversations with the child, because just like an adult, you cannot talk to someone who's in this like emotionally charged space.

00:13:43
Speaker 2: You have to wait until they calm down.

00:13:45
Speaker 3: There's a name for it, and it's called, Oh, it's called effective ignoring. So you redirect one time and then you have to ignore everything else after that. You don't want to feed into the tantrum or the meltdown. With the negotiations, you tell them one or two times and wait to they calm down, and then have the conversation redirect or something after they're already calm.

00:14:04
Speaker 1: Okay, oh I love that, and that is extremely helpful.

00:14:08
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean just think about it.

00:14:09
Speaker 3: You're gonna you're telling your child who's probably having a meltdown, like, oh, if you keep doing this, I'm gonna call dad.

00:14:14
Speaker 2: If you keep doing this, I'm gonna do this. If you keep doing this, it's not help.

00:14:17
Speaker 3: They're not processing their own feelings that they're currently having, let alone the consequence of whatever is happening.

00:14:23
Speaker 1: Okay, Oh I love this.

00:14:26
Speaker 2: Yeah. She it's called I think it's called pc pc it, which is like parent led therapy.

00:14:30
Speaker 1: That's why very helpful. Look at you. I'm gonna look this up. Uh Vic underscore on ninety four. How does slash did she deal with toxic co parenting?

00:14:42
Speaker 2: This is a gray Rock method.

00:14:44
Speaker 3: Gray Rock method, you literally cannot engage with any behaviors, any comments, conversations except for when it has to do with the kids. Also, there's apps that you can talk to your co parents through.

00:14:56
Speaker 1: We have I'm in ofw bitch I use.

00:15:02
Speaker 2: Talking parents, Talking parents.

00:15:04
Speaker 1: That's what he uses for his other baby mama.

00:15:06
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's familiar, it sucks, but like, and it's hard, it's so frickin' hard.

00:15:13
Speaker 2: But you literally can't respond to anything outside of kids.

00:15:16
Speaker 1: Yeah, gray rocking is really hard for me. I show all my cards very quickly, Like I show I'm like the threatener. I'm like, listen, motherfucker, you do this, this is gonna happen. And then I'm not prepared to actually make that happen.

00:15:31
Speaker 3: No, never, we never are, and so they're just like empty threats. That's the only thing that like, that's the only thing I can think of gray Rock.

00:15:38
Speaker 1: You know what, though, that's so helpful, Like you said, if you can just look at a text and ignore every single thing except for the details that have to do with the kid, and it has to be productive, right what like because they can they'll learn they know what triggers you, and they'll pocket that and bring those things up just to get you to engage.

00:16:04
Speaker 2: One thousand percent.

00:16:05
Speaker 3: And the other thing is email too, Like if texting doesn't work, do email, because you're if you don't have your notifications on. If you're communicating via email only you it sort of creates a pause in between each reaction and so you kind of have a minute to like decompress for a second, or maybe you forget about it, where like a text message is in your face. So I feel like it's a little bit power in the pause sort of deal.

00:16:31
Speaker 1: There is power in the pause. And I always love to go to the note section and purge all of your feelings, go back, ad rewrite, and by the time you're finished and you've got the perfect response, you're over it.

00:16:42
Speaker 2: You're like, you don't even want to send it.

00:16:44
Speaker 1: Half the time you're like, I never want to see this again.

00:16:47
Speaker 3: But it takes a long I don't want to discredit the period that it takes to get to that point is sort of hard, because yeah, you just got to you got to be in the right mindset to even be at that place.

00:16:58
Speaker 1: Well, and we're not talking about like little drama. We're talking about you discussing your child. Like that's the rawest emotion anyone can have, is when you're discussing your baby children.

00:17:12
Speaker 2: Yeah, agreed, Jess.

00:17:15
Speaker 1: Dot Barrett Bio. Dad isn't very involved and lives six hours away. My son misses him, Slash asks for him. Do you ever deal with that?

00:17:22
Speaker 2: No, my kids have never asked for their dads.

00:17:25
Speaker 1: Yeah, same, I've asked.

00:17:26
Speaker 2: I asked for my dad growing up.

00:17:28
Speaker 3: But I think when there was a period of no contact, you know, around the time Lux was born, my therapist told me to write everything down and so you know, if the relationship was the same by the time you know, Lux turned eighteen or whatever, I had detailed explanations and writing for those with those time stamps on it, and so my child could understand where my head was at during that time or what was going on. And so that's sort of a way too, because I think so often you hear like, oh, you know, my my baby mama kept me away from the child, or you know, they never never text. But it's like, here's like a stack of letters that I wrote to you your whole life about where my head was, where you know, what was going on during that time. And obviously we know that you know, anyone can fabricate. But I think that if you're going to put the effort into doing something like that for your child because of the dad, you're probably not going to fabricate, you know what I mean, Like they're going to put the effort where it needs to be, right.

00:18:21
Speaker 1: I don't even know how I would deal with with a child being like I want to see my dad and they live far away. That sounds like a complex one that I wish I could help with. But I don't think I'm going to give you any good advice. You gave great advice. Kil Rooftop Underscore News TV. I caught my kids smoking weed.

00:18:42
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't know what to say about that one.

00:18:45
Speaker 2: I'm not there yet. But I smoked a lot of weed as a teenager.

00:18:48
Speaker 1: So you were a little pothead.

00:18:50
Speaker 2: Oh big pothead, big pothead?

00:18:52
Speaker 1: Oh god? And you know I no one could tell you shit, no, no, we're up in these stret's smoke in your jas. I smoked like a fucking it was when I moved to LA I was into the edibles.

00:19:09
Speaker 2: Oh okay, so fun.

00:19:12
Speaker 1: I wish I could. I'm not I'm not at that point either. Obviously. My four year old's not like, hey, mom, I'd love to smoke a joint with you, but like it does freak me the fuck out.

00:19:22
Speaker 3: I don't even know what I would say, Like, I don't know what I if. My he's so anti like vapes, anti smoking, anti god.

00:19:30
Speaker 1: He's like a dream child.

00:19:32
Speaker 3: Truly, I mean, knock on wood, he truly is like I have had no issues.

00:19:37
Speaker 1: When someone says the word vape, I start to feeding, I'm like, where what huh? All come over six hours to get to a vape? Sure? I don't give one fuck, no no problem, all right. The last one I have for you is my This is from Shannon Evans. My daughter started cussing lately and she won't stop. She's ten, she will she will lip it too.

00:20:04
Speaker 2: What the F I mean, I'm gonna get canceled for this.

00:20:09
Speaker 3: But kids cussing is my favorite thing.

00:20:14
Speaker 1: I mean, I remember my lawyer said to me, he was like, here's the thing about kids cussing. I tell my kids, you can't cuss out in the regular world. Right when you're at home, as long as you're using the cuss word correctly, have a fucking heyday. I don't give a shit.

00:20:31
Speaker 3: I said that on my podcast. The problem is because I did that with my kids. It backfired like all it was was cussing, Like it was just straight cussing all the time.

00:20:40
Speaker 2: So I was like, we got to steel back.

00:20:41
Speaker 1: And so when you have seven kids and you allow them all to cuss, it's one giant bleep.

00:20:47
Speaker 2: Right. My two year old this morning said, oh shit, So I.

00:20:51
Speaker 1: Was like that, No, but at that age, it's so they don't know.

00:20:57
Speaker 3: They don't and I can't like same notes from pcit do not acknowledge what I don't approve, repeat back what I do.

00:21:07
Speaker 2: So she said, ignore when they cuss.

00:21:09
Speaker 1: Okay, good to know.

00:21:11
Speaker 2: I laugh and I have to look the other way.

00:21:13
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's funny, especially at that age. I remember the first time my daughter called me a stupid bitch, which obviously she had heard somewhere.

00:21:21
Speaker 2: But also it was in the right context.

00:21:24
Speaker 1: Some and I was being a stupid bitch, so I just.

00:21:27
Speaker 2: Meant like she used it properly.

00:21:32
Speaker 1: She wanted the hot tip heated now, and I refused, I'm sorry, stupid bitch, and I was like, I've never been so hurt. Cal I hurt me.

00:21:44
Speaker 2: Sorry, I'm laughing at your pain.

00:21:45
Speaker 1: No, it's fine, but it's kind of like similar to the first time she told me she hated me, And now if she says it, I'm like, you'll get over it.

00:21:52
Speaker 2: Like yeah, you'll move on, it'll be right now.

00:21:55
Speaker 1: She's four. If she hears a cussword, she disciplines all of us.

00:22:00
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, like a like a jar.

00:22:03
Speaker 1: Yes, And it's like, you will not say that, Gigi. My mom will wash your mouth out with soap. That is terrible what you just said. So she's now, but I know that it's going to roll back around again, like this woman has a ten year old who's cussing unfortunately, like they're exposed to school TikTok all the things I think you just say, like you know what, when you're like at a restaurant or at school, try not to cuss when you're here with your friends, Like I don't really care. It's not hurting anybody. I feel when you when you bring down a heavy hammer. Kids want to rebel, rebeil oh, rebel, rebel.

00:22:38
Speaker 3: No one thousand percent. I feel like like desensitizing them to it a little bit. That was my whole theory. Like I said it back, I think it's different with boys too, because they'll just keep pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing it. Right, girls test in a different way. So I definitely backfired on me, But yeah, I agree, like, just don't acknowledge it and then they're like, oh, I didn't get the reaction.

00:22:57
Speaker 1: I wanted exactly. And I think you, like, your kids are gonna grow up knowing that, like you're a cool bitch, right, Like I hope so they will. They're gonna they're not gonna feel judgment from you because you had your mistakes mistakes on a public forum, you know, kind of like when people ask me, are you nervous for your kids to watch you on vander Pump Rules, Not at all. I want my kids to see that like mom got a little too drunk and took her top off in front of like a bunch of people, Like I've seen some shit. I'm gonna give you a roadmap on how to not embarrass the hell out of yourself, and if you choose to still do it, just know I'll love you there's no judgment here. And if you choose to look at me and say I want to be nothing like my mother, like great, I've done my job.

00:23:47
Speaker 3: I think that that is sort of the fact that I had on my oldest like he wants to. He knows that I've already fucked up enough for everybody, so he sort of is like, Mom's gonna think Mom will get through this.

00:23:58
Speaker 2: I'm gonna call my mom. It'll be fine. She's got to judge me, And so that's kind of the nice flip side of it.

00:24:05
Speaker 1: All right, there's always a silver lining, and I'm here to find it with you, guys. Cal I really had the best time with you. You are so freaking easy to talk to.

00:24:13
Speaker 2: Thank you. I'm so happy to be here. Thank you for having me.

00:24:16
Speaker 1: I it was a pleasure you guys. Thank you for listening to another bonus episode of the Give Them a La Podcast. We will catch you next Monday and on Wednesday for a regular old episode. Bye.