The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 8

Previously on Miller High Life Presents The Heavyweight Diaries. We 0:00:06.680 --> 0:00:10.920 have a season premiere wrap part Timothy Nelson. Roast beef, cheese, slaw, 0:00:11.160 --> 0:00:15.120 ham salae, hate in tuna, milk, hate everything about chicken salad, 0:00:15.320 --> 0:00:32.839 grilled chicken salad. You've not been recording, cactus. If today's 0:00:32.880 --> 0:00:36.479 reporting trip had any chance of success, I would need 0:00:36.520 --> 0:00:40.360 to do something no sane man has ever done. Rely 0:00:40.520 --> 0:00:45.360 on Timothy Nelson for etiquette advice. What does one wear 0:00:45.560 --> 0:00:50.400 to a subway sandwitchery? I ask? Are shoes and shirts permitted? 0:00:51.360 --> 0:00:55.920 There isn't a dress code, says Nelson. All dining has 0:00:55.920 --> 0:01:00.360 a dress code. I say, torriodor pants for tappas, leather 0:01:00.480 --> 0:01:05.199 vests for cutlets, and a tuxedo with an American flag 0:01:05.280 --> 0:01:15.440 cumber bun. When in bibing Miller Highlight, dress as you 0:01:15.480 --> 0:01:20.800 would for eating a sandwich. Nelson says, a white woolen 0:01:20.840 --> 0:01:25.240 bib it is. I say. Nelson picks me up at dawn. 0:01:25.800 --> 0:01:29.080 Because I am filled with desperate energy and several root 0:01:29.120 --> 0:01:32.399 beer snapses, I fail to notice that my bib is 0:01:32.480 --> 0:01:37.880 stuck in the passenger door. Seeing me grow hysterical, Nelson 0:01:37.920 --> 0:01:42.480 continues driving at a sensible speed for several miles. It 0:01:42.560 --> 0:01:47.120 is only when I grow hystericaler and finally hystericalist, that 0:01:47.200 --> 0:01:49.360 he pulls to the curb so I can yank my 0:01:49.440 --> 0:01:54.160 bib inside to safety. Why are you wearing a cape, 0:01:54.600 --> 0:01:59.200 asks Timothy Nelson. What I am wearing, I correct, is 0:01:59.200 --> 0:02:03.240 a backwards versable white woolen bibb. And are you familiar 0:02:03.280 --> 0:02:07.200 with the Henry Heimich maneuver? Because I'm considering ordering the 0:02:07.240 --> 0:02:19.080 whitefish outside the subway sandwich. We go over a checklist 0:02:19.120 --> 0:02:23.120 of our recording equipment. In the process, we learn that 0:02:23.240 --> 0:02:28.320 professional radio producer Timothy Nelson has forgotten to pack any batteries. 0:02:29.560 --> 0:02:32.320 After a good ten minutes, in which we volly blame 0:02:32.480 --> 0:02:35.640 to and fro, Nelson and I drive to a hardware 0:02:35.720 --> 0:02:39.840 store and purchase an extension cable to connect the recorder 0:02:39.919 --> 0:02:43.440 to the lighter in his van. It's only as we 0:02:43.480 --> 0:02:47.280 finish unraveling the several hundred feet of bright orange extension 0:02:47.360 --> 0:02:50.360 cord that it occurs to Nelson and I though we 0:02:50.440 --> 0:02:53.200 might better have used our visit to the hardware store 0:02:53.360 --> 0:02:59.920 to purchase batteries. How foolish, Timothy Nelson snorts, you must be, sir, 0:03:00.080 --> 0:03:03.839 and to include this detail. And you're telling I will 0:03:03.880 --> 0:03:06.680 tell it as it needs to be told, I tell him. 0:03:07.320 --> 0:03:12.000 Timothy Nelson's deluge of suggestions peak when he suggests that 0:03:12.120 --> 0:03:14.880 since the process leading up to the first episode has 0:03:14.960 --> 0:03:18.960 been so interesting, I should put out many episodes, one 0:03:19.040 --> 0:03:26.120 per week, detailing the experience. That is a spectacularly terrible idea. 0:03:26.320 --> 0:03:30.360 I snap that will alienate our audience with frivolities and 0:03:30.400 --> 0:03:34.600 have them hitting the unsubscribed button in hordes. But in 0:03:34.680 --> 0:03:38.640 the ensuing silence, I secretly make a mental note to 0:03:38.720 --> 0:03:51.640 reconsider the idea. We arrive at the restaurant well passed 0:03:51.720 --> 0:03:56.960 lunch hour. I am famished bursting through the door, microphone 0:03:56.960 --> 0:04:00.800 extended like a divining rod, Timothy Nelson and steps on 0:04:00.840 --> 0:04:06.240 my bib, causing me to fall onto my backside. Gazing 0:04:06.320 --> 0:04:10.760 up from the ground, extension corps tangled about my waist, legs, 0:04:10.880 --> 0:04:15.440 neck and bib, I see a fluorescent menu wall. There 0:04:15.520 --> 0:04:19.800 is something called a meat ball sub If the photograph 0:04:19.880 --> 0:04:23.640 is to be trusted, This culinary miracle is constructed by 0:04:23.720 --> 0:04:28.000 rolling meat into small balls and placing them, like happy 0:04:28.040 --> 0:04:34.159 little sailors inside a submarine made of bread, Tugging on 0:04:34.200 --> 0:04:37.440 his pant leg I tell Timothy Nelson that I would 0:04:37.480 --> 0:04:41.920 like to try the meat ball. Don't tell me, he says, 0:04:42.400 --> 0:04:46.960 tell the subway sandwich artist, Ahi, yes, I tell him, 0:04:47.240 --> 0:04:51.120 with all the sarcasm I can muster. I shall immediately 0:04:51.120 --> 0:04:56.040 inform the Jatta of Gyros, the Picasso of poe boys, 0:04:57.000 --> 0:05:08.599 the Mireau of heroes rising off my fanny, or, for 0:05:08.720 --> 0:05:13.279 those listening in Great Britain, my batoxes. I catch the 0:05:13.320 --> 0:05:17.760 eye of the uniform teenaged counterman. What can I get 0:05:17.800 --> 0:05:21.080 you guys started with today? He asks, with a snap 0:05:21.160 --> 0:05:25.279 of what appears to be hospital gloves. I would like 0:05:25.320 --> 0:05:30.640 a meat ball, submarine sandwich, I say, absolutely, says the counterman. 0:05:31.000 --> 0:05:33.920 And what kind of bread would you like? I always 0:05:33.920 --> 0:05:39.279 have the Italian, says Nelson. Oh really, I say, rising 0:05:39.279 --> 0:05:42.640 to my feet and casually adjusting my white woolen floor 0:05:42.720 --> 0:05:46.719 length bib from which part of Italy? Is it a 0:05:46.720 --> 0:05:52.159 pia dina for Romagna ooh? Or a Tuscan chiaciata. Don't 0:05:52.200 --> 0:05:55.480 tell me it's one of those panae caffones they make 0:05:55.560 --> 0:06:03.960 in Campagna. Because no, thanks, You're embarrassing me, says Timothy Nelson. Oh, 0:06:04.000 --> 0:06:06.400 you can't stand to see me have a good time. 0:06:06.839 --> 0:06:12.880 I say, we are here on assignment. Nelson says, fine. 0:06:12.920 --> 0:06:24.400 I say, watch how a real journalist operates, say, I say, 0:06:24.880 --> 0:06:28.359 rising onto tippy toes and straining my recorder over the 0:06:28.440 --> 0:06:31.960 counter so that the spongy tip of my microphone grazes 0:06:32.080 --> 0:06:37.680 the counterman's lips. There was a sandwich my friend here 0:06:37.920 --> 0:06:43.240 ordered that was well, it was the wrong sandwich. And 0:06:43.320 --> 0:06:46.640 we were wondering, that is, my friend and I were 0:06:46.680 --> 0:06:52.160 wondering if you might know who might have prepared his sandwich. Hm, 0:06:52.200 --> 0:06:56.200 says the counterman, a pubescent crack in his voice. Do 0:06:56.279 --> 0:06:59.279 you know when you visited? I can check the schedule? 0:07:00.440 --> 0:07:04.880 April the fourth, says Timothy Nelson with alacrity. Supper hour. 0:07:05.720 --> 0:07:10.880 I remember because it was my Lady and Eyes tenth anniversary. 0:07:12.120 --> 0:07:15.160 As the hallmark jangle of hollinoates wafts out of the 0:07:15.200 --> 0:07:21.320 ceiling speakers, I stare at Timothy Nelson in horror. Makes sense. 0:07:21.360 --> 0:07:24.040 Something went wrong with the orders, says the oily knock 0:07:24.080 --> 0:07:30.000 kneed counterman. April fourth, Dinner time is Perry shift? Perry, 0:07:30.040 --> 0:07:36.000 I ask, my dumbass brother, He snarls, pushing my microphone 0:07:36.040 --> 0:07:40.080 ever closer so that the saliva saturated nub is pressed 0:07:40.120 --> 0:07:45.640 firmly against his teeth. I press on. Sounds like you 0:07:45.720 --> 0:07:52.960 and your brother Perry have issues. Uh yeah, he says, Dude, 0:07:53.200 --> 0:07:58.800 the two of us haven't spoken in months, months, I repeat, 0:07:59.040 --> 0:08:05.040 with a mix of curiosity, greed, and desperation. And that 0:08:05.120 --> 0:08:08.960 can get super awkward, he continues, since we sometimes work 0:08:09.040 --> 0:08:13.120 the same shift. Straining up onto the nails of my 0:08:13.240 --> 0:08:17.200 tippy toes, I navigate the mic into the counterman's mouth, 0:08:17.600 --> 0:08:21.600 careful not to activate his gag reflex, but equally careful 0:08:21.680 --> 0:08:28.320 to capture each delicious narrative droplet of wet emotion. Interesting, 0:08:28.840 --> 0:08:34.439 I say, barely managing to contain my ecstasy. How did 0:08:34.480 --> 0:08:39.200 the bad blood begin? Perry stole my girlfriend, he says. 0:08:39.920 --> 0:08:43.240 And worst of all, she sits around here all day 0:08:43.640 --> 0:08:47.120 scarfing hot peppers and mayo and making googly eyes at 0:08:47.200 --> 0:08:51.800 him during his shift. Well, that sounds like the kind 0:08:51.800 --> 0:08:54.920 of problem that's unique to you, but that lots of 0:08:54.960 --> 0:08:57.760 people could relate to. At the same time, I tell him, 0:08:58.640 --> 0:09:01.040 like the kind of thing you've been putting off but 0:09:01.120 --> 0:09:04.160 you want to address, possibly through the use of a 0:09:04.200 --> 0:09:09.000 third party interlocutor. Uh, I don't know what you're talking 0:09:09.040 --> 0:09:15.040 about Stammers, the Sandwich artist of sadness. But uh okay, 0:09:16.440 --> 0:09:19.640 As Holland oates harmonize, I lock eyes with my co 0:09:19.880 --> 0:09:24.439 reporter Timothy. I say, I have work to do here, 0:09:25.120 --> 0:09:29.520 real work, and also I never want to see you 0:09:29.600 --> 0:09:34.120 for as long as I live. Well see me you shall, 0:09:34.640 --> 0:09:38.040 as I'm currently stationed in your office at the union desk, 0:09:38.480 --> 0:09:42.840 he says, for once in his woe begotten life. Timothy 0:09:42.880 --> 0:09:46.800 Nelson is right. But I'd worry about that sometime in 0:09:46.840 --> 0:09:51.199 the future, because for now I was a beautiful bumblebee 0:09:51.559 --> 0:09:57.040 happily rolling around in the sweet nectar of storytelling. The 0:09:57.080 --> 0:10:04.240 Heavyweight season had been saved. This has been the final 0:10:04.320 --> 0:10:08.080 chapter of the Heavyweight Diaries. The new season of Heavyweight 0:10:08.120 --> 0:10:12.440 will begin in one week on September twenty sixth. Remember 0:10:12.760 --> 0:10:15.680 the best place to listen to Heavyweight is on Spotify. 0:10:16.080 --> 0:10:18.360 The second best place to listen to Heavyweight is in 0:10:18.400 --> 0:10:22.680 the emotional echo chamber of Your beautiful Beating Heart. Heavyweight 0:10:22.760 --> 0:10:26.600 is me Jonathan Goldstein along with Jorgeos, Stevie Lane, Khalila Holt, 0:10:26.600 --> 0:10:29.680 and Ba Parker. This episode was mixed by the wonderful 0:10:29.720 --> 0:10:33.000 Emma Monger. Music by Bobby Lord. Our ad music is 0:10:33.120 --> 0:10:37.200 Vivaldi Spring, performed by the Wichita State University Chamber Players. 0:10:38.120 --> 0:10:40.040 See you next week for season four.