85. 'Daddy issues' and dating in your 20s ft. Violet Benson

00:00:04
Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. We have an exciting guest today for a very exciting topic. We did a series on the show called Dating in Your Twenties, and our guest has decided to join us and share some of her own wisdom. Violet, how are you going.

00:00:48
Speaker 2: I'm well, thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here.

00:00:51
Speaker 1: Yeah, of course, it felt like such a natural fit. Honestly so. Violet, if you do not know her, is the host of the almost adulting podcast otherwise known as Daddy Issues Online. Some amazing advice given over there and just like some hard truth skilled So I feel like this is gonna be a great episode. Yeah, I'm excited. Thank you.

00:01:14
Speaker 2: Yeah, we got we got really, we got on really well before we started recording, so that was that's always good.

00:01:20
Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, I felt like we were sitting in like zoom talking because you're in La Yes, yeah, and I'm in Sydney and we were sitting on the zoom I think for like half an hour just actually just having having a yawn as they say in Australia, having a little chat. So I was like, we're about to pop facts. Everyone's open your ears wide.

00:01:43
Speaker 2: That's so cute. Okay, your phrases. I could tell you Australia. The minute you said the word heaps when we're talking in DMS, I'm like, okay.

00:01:50
Speaker 1: So you're in Australia, what is it heaps?

00:01:53
Speaker 2: Yeah, you said heaps, there's heaps something.

00:01:56
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, I totally say that. So it's so funny because I don't notice it until I'm on calls with people who are based in the US or based in London, and they'll be like, what did you just say? And I'm like, I don't know. I also got this like random DM from someone the other day that was like, you pronounce all of your words incorrectly, like and I was like, yeah she was, and then she like was like, these are the words that I heard in your most recent episode that were wrong, And I was like, I've got an Australian accent, Like it's not I know. Yeah, it's so strange.

00:02:31
Speaker 2: No, it's a real thing. I have gotten before, negative reviews on my almost adulting podcasts and mean dms when people get upset with me when I don't pronounce myself, when I pronounce someone's name or word incorrectly, even though English is my third language. People forget that whatever countries you're from, you and the pronouncing words differently.

00:02:52
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm exact.

00:02:53
Speaker 2: Americans forget that.

00:02:55
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's so interesting as well, considering that English is your third language. Yes, why come on, give me be nice about it. I feel like if they also spoke three plus languages, they are welcome to criticize, but if not.

00:03:10
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's kind of like if you were trying to speak French right now, because of how you grew up speaking English with the Australian accent, you will not be able to have the proper accent that French people have. Because I speak Hebrew, I have the perfect French accent when I speak French, and I'm able to mimic it perfectly. But Americans will not be able either. And I will be able to say a lot of words, but that you guys won't be able to be of how I grew up, so it's the same thing. Then people from others speak other languages can't pronounce her in English words because we've never learned how to pronounce it like that, or our mouths don't move in that way. I don't know how to explain it. There's just words, some words that we just won't be able to ever pronounce.

00:03:51
Speaker 1: I'm not even gonna try and do that awe sounding. I feel like it's going to be so embarrassing because I unfortunately only speak one language. How look at that, Wa're already off online a massive tangent. What we're really here to talk about today is dating in your twenties, and I feel like you have a lot of wisdom. Even before we jumped on this call, you were saying you're in like a long term relationship for most of your twenties, weren't you?

00:04:17
Speaker 2: Yes? I was. I was in wouldn't be funny, but just thinking if I was one of those guests you asked me a question, I'd just say yes.

00:04:27
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh, I'd be working hard.

00:04:33
Speaker 2: Okay, So, yes, I was in a relationship most of my twenties. I was on off with one of with my second boyfriend, I basically growing up. And well, I started dating when I was seventeen. I was very much a late bloomer. I wasn't interested in boys. I'd moved to America when I was fourteen. I was just trying to figure out how to speak English, and I was not even thinking about boys. I did not get them at all, especially Americans and in Los Angeles right away.

00:05:00
Speaker 1: It's a whole different.

00:05:00
Speaker 2: World with those kids. So and I had my own issues growing up, aside from I was born with a birth defect, so it gave me a lot of insecurity as I stay away from boys until late teenage years. But also I grew up as I'm known as daddy issues. I grew up with daddy issues when I got through my teenage life. So of course that subconsciously formed the way I started pursuing my partners. I didn't know this yet. You don't know this as a child, and you don't know this as an adult that a lot of the pattern of who you date has a lot to do with your childhood trauma. You don't realize that yet. So the guy that I was just it wasn't love.

00:05:44
Speaker 1: It was obsession.

00:05:45
Speaker 2: He was my drug. And I didn't know why he was my drug, but I was addicted to him. I was addicted to my relationship for eight years. It was on and off, and he was just my everything. I mean when every time we break up, I would not always felt like I couldn't breathe. I was a person that I didn't want to get out of bed until he spoke to me, until I knew we were going to be okay. It just felt he was my everything. And of course when you have those type of partners, they love it. But I guess the type of person I ended up attracting emotionally unavailable partner. Did I realize that, No, of course I didn't. I just needed him to love me, And for eight years, it was this constant chase maybe one day he will love me, and I did everything I could to be better for him. For eight years. I was shaved my body every single day as long as we were together, My body shaved every single day. I want to be beautiful for him. Did he still cheat on me all the time? Yes? Did I know? No? Because I secretly didn't want to know. I secretly didn't want to know that because I think I didn't then want to deal with what would happen if I found out, because then I would actually have to leave, And that's a whole other thing. Did I love myself when I was growing up? No, of course not, because if I did, I wouldn't have stayed in that relationship. But I think everything that happens to us, including people we date, it's not in a way that you look back and you think, I can't believe I gave him all my twenties. I can't believe I did this. It's more that was a life lesson and the reason I stay with my partner for so long was because the universe was teaching me over and over again the same mistakes that I was just for some reason, not learning. And it wasn't until I learned how to love myself that I removed myself from that relationship and started working on myself. Do I have some regrets that a part of me wishes I didn't give so many of my twenties to someone, just one person. Yes, but that's what I needed in my path to learn. I wish I didn't only exit that relationship in my late twenties and early thirties, and that was the first time I learned how to date or I had to unlearn everything I thought love was. I had to unlearn I had to learn what I like, what I don't like the other. Because when I got over that relationship with him, I tried to date guys afterwards, and I would pick fights with them, thinking that was going to make us closer. I was picked flights to get that tension because that's where I grew up with my dad when I was young, where my dad forgets I exist, so I have to act out. And when I act out, even if you be so sure of me, at least he notices me. So then accidentally in my relationship and then being the same thing where we will fight, and that's when my boyfriend payer attention to me and then we're fine.

00:08:22
Speaker 1: That was so insightful. I was so so insightful. And I think it really goes to show the complex interaction between how we were raised and how we approach intimacy and romantic relationships. And I think people often don't think that those are linked, right. They're like, Okay, well, you know, my childhood was a discreet time in my life, and my adulthood or my adolescence is also a discreet time. And there's no overlap, but it's like you really are the still the same person that's traveled through all of those experiences, and the trauma that you take from those will be brought into every chapter of your life. How do you think it was about your attachment style or how you were raised or your childhood that led you to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people?

00:09:11
Speaker 2: Okay, so here's the thing. A lot of people when they listen, they think, well, I don't have daddy issues that I can't relate, but they may have mommy issues, or they think I grew up with both my parents together, or I grew up with that parents, or whatever your dynamic and your growing up is. You'll be surprised. But everyone has some type of childhood trauma without even realize it. And trauma is not as bad of a ward as people think it is. It just means it's what formed you into the human being the adult that you are, and it's up to you now as an adult to unlearn a lot of these things. So again, even if you think, well, my dad was really nice to me, so it was my mom. Let's say there's guys out there their mom loved them so much. Guess what they have mommy.

00:09:52
Speaker 1: Issues where they.

00:09:54
Speaker 2: Now attract women like their mother and they hate them. They're pulsed by them because if they feel suf vocated and it reminds me of their mother. So then they end up chasing women who don't love them. So everyone has their own weird type of dating stuff that has to do with your parents until you realize it's happening and you have to learn it, but you have to be self aware. So I attracted my partner who was obsessed with who's my second boyfriend? Because my first one were just chilling, but my second one was like a drug because he was emotionally unavailable, which was similar to my father. And the reason we end up attracting these type of partners not just emotional unavailable, anything that feels familiar. Anytime in your life you meet someone and one person you meet and you're like, Okay, maybe I'll go out with them a few times, maybe I like them. Then someone else you meet and you're like, WHOA, I like you? What is this feeling? I don't get it, but if I love it, and it's because it feels familiar, and the familiar The reason it feels familiar is because it's a childhood wound that you have inside yourself that has an healed and your body feels at home, but not in a good way, in a way that something hurt you when you were a child, and that's what's reminding you of And what's happening is this is the psychology behind it. We attract partners are similar to our childhood traumas or our parents when they hurt us, because it's your brain hoping to revisit the same situation that happened to you in the past, and it's hoping that the outcome will be different this time. So if my father was emotional unavailable, which he was growing up, which but because I didn't understand his love language yet, So nothing I say is in a way where I want anyone to feel sorry for me, because I've worked through that. For me, my father was emotional unavailable, he didn't know express his feelings, and he didn't hug me or kiss me until I was twenty four to twenty five. And that's because I changed the cycle in our family, because I made that choice. V Until I decided to make that choice, I was dating guys like my dad, including my ex. So I started dating a man who was also emotional and available, and my brain was hoping, maybe eventually this guy will love you. So even though when you were growing up as a kid, your dad didn't love you, this man will finally give you the validation they've been searching for years. And guess what, it didn't happen because no matter what I did, I wasn't enough. Or that's what it felt like, because love first has to start with you. That's the longest relationship you're going to have in your life is a relationship you are with yourself. You can't continuously seek this outside validation, outside love if you don't love yourself, because you don't know not to mention, I don't know what love is. I grew up with a dad who didn't kiss me, or hug me, or tell me he loves me. What do I know what love is? I see my dad being cold, I think that's love. So that's what I attrack.

00:12:40
Speaker 1: Just like I have.

00:12:41
Speaker 2: Friends that grew up in a very abusive household where their parents were fighting all the time. They end up attracting a partner that they're fighting with all the time. They think that's love. So many of us don't realize but we don't even know what love is.

00:12:54
Speaker 1: I agree, honestly, and especially his people in our twenties. I think love for us is sometimes just a feeling, and we think that it's passion, and we think that it's chaos, or we think that it should just be this like easy thing, and we really don't know, because I think, just like trauma, love is also incredibly subjective. But it's interesting that you talk about how you like shifted the dynamic because I feel like when I've done a lot of work with my own therapists around my attachment style and all that comes with that, and I think it doesn't just have to do with your parental relationships. You know. As a child, I was really bullied, was really badly bullied, and I never really felt like anyone liked me, that I was like wanted or desired as a friend. And then as I got like later into my adolescence as someone people wanted to date. And so as soon as I went to university and like people were like attracted to me and there was alcohol and I was there was all this freedom, and I was living in college, which I had no standards for myself because I was like, well, I have this in a childhood wound of not feeling wanted and feeling unlovable. So the moment that someone comes in and is like, you know, even just wants to have sex with you, They don't want to give you anything more, my brain was like, well, that's showing that they want you, and that's like a really, that's something that you've always wanted. That's something that you're really like, you've always desired, and wouldn't it be amazing to finally have that. So I basically just didn't have any standards for myself and would attract people who treated me badly or who were like almost cruel or super ambivalent towards like our relationship.

00:14:39
Speaker 2: I don't know, actually you didn't know what love was. Of course, of course you equated that to love, because you said I felt unlovable. People didn't want to be my friends. And the thing is that was the reality you create to yourself. And when we feel that way about ourselves, it doesn't matter what's happening on the outside. We don't see it. And eventually you grew up and you realize, well, all these people around me are trying to love me, and I'm not even seeing it because I'm so focused on people don't love me because I grew up feeling unlovable. So again, you don't know what love is. So then you only then end up being drawn to people who don't love you, or you end up being drawn to someone that, even for a night, gives you sex because in that moment, you feel desirable and you feel wanted. And I for the longest time with my ex boyfriend, all we had really is sex that we didn't really talk. I didn't know how to open up to people. I never talked about my feelings, so I did even though that was my one partner sexually, It's all I had to offer him was my body. I want to be beautiful for him. I was having sex with him, so I also equated sex with love, and that's the thing that a lot of women do. And I've tried to talk about that before. And of course some people may not agree with my opinion when I say hold off on sex, but I believe it's genuinely important, especially if you're someone who still has to figure out your emotions and mental health and to put yourself first and to learn how to love yourself. If you accidentally fall off through sex, which has been a thing for me, then hold off because you want to get to know somebody on an emotional level before you catch up to it in a physical level. But you ask me something else, and I'm sorry that I ended up forgetting what you were talking about.

00:16:21
Speaker 1: Honestly, it just shows that you're passionate, and I feel like that's so passionate. When I tell I know I love it, it's like, honestly, so refreshing. But it's interesting. I just want to quickly talk on this. I was loostly looking into this research the other day. Sex creates like an emotional and neural bond with someone. Not saying that that doesn't mean yeah, for women is like in particular, and I'm not saying that that doesn't mean you can have as much casual sex as you want, but it's worth noting that when you are physically closed with someone in that manner, whatever sex is for you in that moment, the amount of like oxytocin, which is like the chemical associated with happiness but also bonding that is released. It's no wonder that so many people, I think, find themselves they've had sex with someone and then suddenly they're like, oh my god, I'm attached, you've got to also know what you want. Like I started doing this thing where I realized that I was very actively going for people who I actually didn't even respect or have anything in common with because I was like, oh, you know, well then they'll never leave me and I'll feel loved. And it basically like retrained my brain into not feeling that I actually deserve the love that I want it. So now I like have I like went to my therapist and was like, this is happening. I keep getting like obsessed over these men who I don't even respect.

00:17:39
Speaker 2: I get obsessed over them.

00:17:40
Speaker 1: Not anymore. This was like back maybe like a year and a half ago. I like went to her and was like, I am like there would be men who were violent, like they would be like sovice. Like literally one of them was was living with it, like living out of his car and with his friends. No shame to that, Like people go through different life circumstances.

00:18:01
Speaker 2: And he woke up with you and he said, you know what, I think I can do better?

00:18:04
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, probably, Like I think it was a long relationship, but like there was another one who's like he's like I still live at home with my mom and I hate my job, but I only worked three days a week and I know. I was like, what are you interested in? And he's like, I don't really know, like watching TV? And I was like, I was like, are you the love of my life?

00:18:25
Speaker 2: Because it's like if you have hobbies, I can be I can be your hobby because I'm interested in me.

00:18:31
Speaker 1: Yeah. And the other thing was like he couldn't drive, and I was like, I can teach him how to drive, and then you know what, he can depend on me exactly it was. It was toxic and like I can look at that now and be like I get that. I get where that was coming from. I get where that was bad because I've healed that part of myself. But the way that I did that was like I literally set out like point blank in my notes. I wrote it in my diary, like what is the bare minimum here? Like what do I want? And after like dates, I would go back and be like did they actually meet this? If I couldn't really tell, I would go on a second date. But if it was like no, then I was like I always messaged them being like I'm really like I had a really amazing time, but this isn't going anywhere, and it's like a massive thing you need to learn. So I think my question to you was like, what do you think that, what do you wish you'd known at that time, or what do you wish you'd known earlier as someone back in their twenties.

00:19:23
Speaker 2: Well, A, I wish. It's hard to say because a part of me wants to say I wish I learned how to love myself sooner. But then I also think I needed to have all these life lessons. But I guess if I was being unrealistic and more dream in dreamland, and it's yes, if I could have the same outcome as now, if nothing would change, it's something that I could wish that I learned faster. It's probably how to love myself and how to walk away from a partner that was never going to love me because it was never about that person, and I wish that I didn't, You know what, Actually I wish I wish that I would have been more brave and learn and change my generational trauma and my family's dynamic sooner, because so many years I was always so afraid of being rejected by my father, which sounds so silly for anyone out there that doesn't have the type of issues, whether it's your mother or your father, But it's this weird rejection because people don't realize if you have daddy issues, the first man that breaks your heart technically is your father, which is a little strange. But I didn't really grow up with him. And then I remember when I saw one of my friends hug my dad. I didn't understand why she even did that. And I was like, wait, you just asked your dad for advice and you guys just hugged just like that. That's so weird. She goes, do you not hug your dad? And I go, well, I don't even know what you would do. But if I tried to hug him and he was like, ew, why are you touching me? That's so not our dynamic. It's weird. So it took me years until and I never would say a lot to him because I was scared he would laugh at my face or he would reject me, and I was scared of the rejection. And that kind of created the rest of my identity where it was around the male gaze, where I was insecure enough that I stay with my ex for so long, and I was. I was just there to be pretty and have sex with my boyfriend while he was cheating on me. But that was my role, and I still didn't know who I was. So when I one day as an I used to be an accountant. Oh why Yeah, I have two degrees, So I used to be an accountant. That's one of my degrees at a big public accounting firm. And when I was getting bullied at the firm, it's actually one of the reasons I started Daddy Issues. So honestly, bless them for bullying.

00:21:44
Speaker 1: Thank you so much.

00:21:46
Speaker 2: Strong.

00:21:47
Speaker 1: I wonder how they're going, Yeah, how are you going? Friends?

00:21:51
Speaker 2: So because of that, I created Daddy Issues secretly, and Daddy Issues when I created it, and I got to see with just through memes that my and when I created Daddy Issues, I created an alter ego because at this point I had no idea who I was, and I felt so invisible. I had no identity, and the people created me. Because when I started posting random things anonymously, because I was anonymous for almost two years, is when I suddenly got to see, oh, other people can relate. Oh I thought I was alone in this okay, And that gave me the and when I created Daddy Issues, I wrote about a girl who was my alter ego because I can never be as cool as her. She was a popular girl. She was a skinny, pretty girl that everyone liked. She grew up rich. I grew up poor. She had all the money, she had, all the drugs, all the boys liked her. I was so invisible, or at least thought that was my view, that was my reality. And that's how I was able to have the confidence to run Daddy Issues, which is so funny because I was pretending to be her, and that gave me and seeing how people could relate that I'm not alone, it gave me the confidence. And the first time I life that, I said, you know what, I don't care anymore if my dad's going to reject me, because I want to tell him that I love him. Because my father may not have who knows when how many more years I have with him. I want him to know that I love him, and that's all that matters. And I want to hug my dad, and I'm okay if he says no, or because at least I tried so, because at least then he'll know that I love him. So I started doing that. It was a practice I started. I started on the phone when we were about to talk on the phone barely but we're about to hang up, and I would say, wait, Dad, hold on. He's like what, I'm like, I love you, and it's like he hang ups. Then eventually I'm like, way, Dad, I love you. Silence stays on the phone, say on the phone, hangs up. Then eventually, Dad, I love you. Silence me too, hang up. Then eventually I love you. I love you too. I know it's so sweet.

00:23:45
Speaker 1: That is really sweet.

00:23:46
Speaker 2: Yeah, And then eventually started, you know, trying to hug each other and all that, and now my whole family dynamic is so different and in a weird way, that helped me learn how to love myself. And I helped me stop feeling this bless you. Sorry, I get so sensitive about my dad's so that's okay. It helped me stop feary like my dad's love was the scariest thing to me. So once I wasn't scared of being rejected by my father, almost felt like I was free because even in that moment, I would have known whether or not he was going to be super kate, and if he didn't, I would have finally let it go, and if he did, whatever, But in that moment also is when I got to learn love languages and all that and attachmentselves, and I got to learn that my father did try his whole life to love me. I just didn't know because my dad's love language was putting a roof over my head and acts of service because his father was an alcoholic drug who got beat up to death when he was when my dad was seventeen for being a Jew in Communist Russia, and he left my father and his mother with nothing. So my dads were to never be like his father, to provide us with the home and get me through school. And that's exactly what he did. That's how he showed me his love. But I didn't know because I'm just a child. I just want to be hugged and I don't have that. But he didn't grow up with that. So as an adult, I got to learn that, and I got to forgive my father for not knowing any better, and I got to show him love and he gets to give me love back, and I get to show love to the world. And that's actually one of the reasons I created my podcast because it was me being so fascinating curious about all these things I didn't grow up with, and it made me want to as I'm learning everything, I want to share it with my audience.

00:25:29
Speaker 1: Oh that's so beautiful, it really is, and a massive testament to you that I think not many people have the self awareness and the vulnerability to actually approach that issue within their family. Like so many people just kind of get to the point where they're like, this is how it's always going to be beautifully changed. Like you healed your generational and trauma, Like you genuinely did that as a single individual. You sat back and were like, this is mine to fix and you did it. And that's so nice. Oh it's so deserving. You're so deserving of that as well. And what do you think when I really want to pick up on what you talked about when you talked about love languages as well? Do you did a minute? Do you want to pause from fine? Okay? Are you sure getting away? Period?

00:26:21
Speaker 2: Start? Oh?

00:26:22
Speaker 1: Okay? Do you think that knowing what you now know about your dad's love language has changed your love languages over time or changed how you approach, how you communicate or show your love language?

00:26:42
Speaker 2: So I think as we get older, our love languages are constantly changing as we are constantly evolving, hopefully, which is what you should be doing. And I think the coolest thing about love languages is that we don't realize two things. Number one, the love languages that you have as an adult, actually the love languages you didn't get as a child. Yes, voice, so my love languages were touch and words of information, but I didn't know that was my love languages. But that's what I lacked. And the love language I was giving to other people were gifts and acts of service because that's what I grew up with my father. And the second thing that we don't know about love languages aside from it's always changing, So I guess the second thing is that it's always changing. So then the third thing we don't realize love languages applied to everything, and a lot of times we tend to apply them only in dating. And then how often do we have breakups with our friends? And that's a thing that we never really talk about friendship breakups and the friends. But love languages also happened in your friendships, in your family dynamic with my sister, my sister and I during the pandemic. We had a really big fight and I just couldn't get it. She called me selfish all these words, and I did, and she said, you make you just don't love me. It feels like you don't care about me. And I said, I don't understand. I'm trying so hard to show you that I love you. Every day I text you how amazing you are and how much you're killing it, and I've been buying your children gifts because I love you so much. She goes, You're so fucking shallow, Like it's like you never answer my text, you don't call me, and then you just tell me I'm amazing. What does that even mean? And that's when I sat down. Instead of attacking my sister back and not speaking to her whatever people like to do these days, I realized, wait, why would she say I'm shallow? I don't get it. I'm showing you that I love her. And then I realized, wait, does she not feel loved by me? What does this mean? And then I started digging into love languages and I realized, oh, I bet we have different love languages. I bet I'm doing my best to show her that I love her, but she's not speaking the same love language as me, so to her, she feels un love by her own sister and we're best friends. And that's when I realized, Karen, what's your love language? And said, what are you talking about? And I said, Karen, just do the test, the random free test on Google languages. I think that's where we have the issue. So again I put my ego aside to figure out instead of taking what she said personally, to understand how can I make my sister feel loved? And that's when I realized, for her, what is it physical touch and quality time or her love languages? So we are the pandemic, so we can't do quality time. So she's missing that, and I mean physical touch and the quality time I'm not. I'm so busy with work that's not priority for me to answer people's sex right away or to call. So I'm doing what I know best, which is hey, you're doing great, or you look so cute in that outfit, because that works for me, but for her it's shallow. So once I realized that my phone's always on, do not disturb, But with my sister, I remove that. So she texts me, I answer right away. I always call her I check in with her now the pandemic's over, and make sure to spend time with her because I know that's what's important to her. Is it one of my It is technically one of my love languages now, but in the past was it No? But because I knew that's have she feelt loved, I made the effort to do that. So I think it's the same thing with couples as well. You should ask each other or your friends what are your love languages, and even if those are not your love languages, then you can put the effort to make the other person feel loved because a lot it's so sad the fact that all these years growing up with my father, he did his best in his own way to show me that you loved me, and I've was this lonely child thinking what does my father hate me so much? You know?

00:30:29
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's so rough, I think, but it shows a great maturity and I think self awareness to recognize that your love languages aren't just for what you need, but therefore what others want to receive from you as well, and you have to adapt them to different circumstances, especially in relationships where you really love the person and I think a familial and a sister relationship is such a good example of that where it's like, okay, I feel like sometimes love languages don't really apply in like the early stages of dating if you're not like committed to each other. But when it comes to those like lifelong relationships that are always going to be by your side, it's worth really acknowledging, like where your capacity for showing love and the kind of love you show has come from, and how it can change over time, because I also agree, I do believe that it will change, and there are certain people in your life who will change that for you. Like I think I was always someone who I thought my love language was like physical touch and words of affirmation. And then I had this boyfriend who was so generous with me and would always give me gifts that he'd really thought about, and I always felt so awkward about receiving those, and I I was always like oh no, no, no, like this is weird. This is like what are you doing? You're bribing me?

00:31:46
Speaker 2: Like what are you bribing me?

00:31:48
Speaker 1: I don't know. I just I wasn't used to it. I was like worth yeah, I was like, this actually makes me uncomfortable and then he was like, no, I'm actually just doing this because I love you. And I was like, and then it can change. And now I'm much better at receiving gifts from people when I'm like, you know, when they've really a bad way.

00:32:06
Speaker 2: He knew how to express himself.

00:32:07
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it was so sweet. It was really sweet. He like, yeah, he was a good boyfriend. Shout out to that boyfriend. He was a goodie. Before we wrap up, I do want to ask just like one final question here, because I feel like a lot of what we've spoken about today is navigating our childhood wounds and these versions of our younger self that we have to adapt and bring into our current selves and understand and love. So what would you say to like your younger self, that little girl who didn't feel particularly loved or seen by her father, or any of those versions of you.

00:32:43
Speaker 2: I guess what I would tell my younger self. I would tell my younger self that all the things in that moment that I think are important and matter will not matter a couple of years from now. Whether it was dying to be popular in high school, to be seen the boys that I thought were cool, the guys that I was seeing the none of them matter and wanting to get love from people that ever loved me, that all that would not matter as long as love myself. I think the biggest lesson I could have given my younger self is that no one else knows what they're doing, and everyone else is just as insecure as you are. That's the biggest lesson that I would take away. And it took me a lot of years to learn that no one else, everyone else is a loser just like you. Because first you're like, I'm the biggest loser in this room, and then you're like, wait, no, everyone else is a loser in this room. No one is thinking about you. No one's thinking about me right now. No one's judging me, no one gives a shit about me. And you know what, that's beautiful. That's amazing because I didn't get to walk around and live my life and do everything I want to do because no one gives a shit. We spent so much of our lives caring so much what everyone else thinks, until one day we realize that no one was ever thinking about us at all. They were thinking about themselves and their ibs and and you know, the guy who didn't text them and whatever it else, they weren't thinking. They don't give a shit. Then you forgot to brush your hair. They weren't looking at you, and tomorrow they're not going to remember that because they're going to think about something else. So you're going to spend your whole life what not moving forward, not doing sure because God forbid, someone else is going to judge you. Fuck those people you know tells you not to do something, it's people that are too scared to do it themselves. So what I would tell my younger self is to everyone's so insecure and to not listen to other people to tell me that I can't do something or that I or know, because what the F did they know?

00:34:24
Speaker 1: Mmm? I totally agree. One of my friends said this to me the other day and it really resonated. It was like, you will never be judged by someone doing better than you. No one doing better than you is ever going to judge down on you because they know you know.

00:34:41
Speaker 2: I just that makes me feel I really needed to hear that. That makes me feel so really there.

00:34:47
Speaker 1: Thank you for saying that.

00:34:48
Speaker 2: I'm gonna write that Downeah, really good advice.

00:34:51
Speaker 1: It really changed things to me. You know, I feel like, wow, I feel like both of us have online a big online You have a massive online presence, mindless so but still an online presence. And sometimes people can be really mean, yeah, really mean, and it's just it really I was talking to my friend about it and she said that to me. She was like, listen, none of these people have what you have. If they did, they wouldn't be saying anything. Can you imagine someone doing better than you, ever criticizing you or putting you down. It's like no, because they're not insecure, because they would have that need to prove themselves by tall poppy syndrome like we were talking about before.

00:35:36
Speaker 2: So yeah, like Kylie Jenner is not sitting around thinking like that's a stupid episode. She's more thinking, Okay, don't want to listen to this or not goodbye, you know, and then she goes back to her multi billion dollar company exactly.

00:35:50
Speaker 1: Meanwhile, we're just here like h letting little trolls like ruin our days. So it's a good thing to remember. That's a really good advice. I'm glad you liked it. Well, thank you for coming on, of course, thank you so much for having me. It was honestly probably one of my favorite episodes. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I hope that everyone who is listening right now learned something, enjoyed it, and let you go and listen to Almost Adulting and follow Daddy Issues on Instagram because both are incredible slices and corners of the Internet.

00:36:25
Speaker 2: Yes, thank you so much for having me. Almost Adulting is on every Tuesday and Thursday. My sole episodes or guest episodes normally Thursday. My short episodes and more fun episodes are Tuesdays, available on all platforms, and then I'm Fellow Benson. You can follow me on Instagram and then my memacount Daddy Issues Underscore.

00:36:42
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so funny. I've actually been following Daddy Issues since I was like nineteen eighteen. Really, yeah, it would have been a while. I remember, like me and my friends really lacking it back when I was in So that's so cool that full circle moment for me. Thank you everyone for listening today. If you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now if you feel cold to do so, of course, it really helps the show to grow. Also, feel free to join the community and follow us at that Psychology podcast on Instagram. We take episode suggestions, we'd love to hear from you, and as always, to have a lovely week wherever you are in the world, and we will be back next week for another episode.