101. The psychology of ghosting

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show, or welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, Thank you for joining me for another episode. I'm guessing if you're listening to this right now, you have been ghosted. Maybe it was recently, maybe it was a while ago, but it really seems to me that ghosting has become somewhat of a universal experience amongst those of us in our twenties, especially if you're someone who is dating, or even at times those of us who aren't. So if you're not familiar with the term, ghosting is essentially when someone cuts off all communication without an explanation, essentially in order to end things with you without having to say why or give you a reason. And let's be honest, getting ghosted really sucks, especially when we really like someone or we've created an image or a fantasy of our future together. And I think additionally, in a world where we are constantly on our phones, we have technology at our fingertips. It's hard to really understand why someone can't just shoot you a message, giving you a reason why it's over, and then you can kind of both move on with clarity, I guess. Unfortunately for us, we don't live in a perfect world, and these days, even that very low standard for communication seems to have been forgotten, and it's frustrating. It stings. It feels very similar to rejection, and it can really injure our sense of self worth and self esteem because ghosting doesn't give us the closure that we all crave when a relationship, however short lived, comes to an end, and so we fill in the gaps, and normally we're not always realistic or kind to ourselves when doing this, so we blame ourselves and we look for faults in our behavior and look for problems with us. And maybe you've actually ghosted someone in return, I'll be honest, I've done that once or twice, and I'm not proud of it. But when we examine some of the psychological reasons why people feel the urge to suddenly disappear from our lives without a trace, it becomes a lot clearer that this practice, this trend has far more to do with someone else's emotional unavailability, with their emotional intelligence, their personality, their circumstances, than our own. So let's talk about it today and provide ourselves with the closure we don't get from the people who ghost us. We're going to examine whether ghosting is really as new as we think it is, how we can identify when we're going to be ghosted, but more importantly, why people do it, ranging from theories around emotional unavailability to the dark triad of narcissism, psychopathy and machiavelianism, attachment style, people pleasing, conflict, aversion, and so much more. I also want to talk about how to respond. I know our immediate reaction is sometimes to bombard this person with text messages, to keep chasing people even when it becomes obvious that they are no longer interested, or even sometimes just to lash out. I think none of those will bring us the closure that we want, and it's not going to bring us piece either. So what is the perfect way to respond to someone who has ghosted you? And I guess finally, how can we prevent ourselves from being the ghoster? As much as we disapprove of ghosting? When it's done to us, many of us are still I would say, very much guilty of doing it to others. So what does that actually say about our own psychology and self concept? Well, as we'll talk about it actually says quite a bit. And I also think we typically think of ghosting in regards to romantic connections and dating. That's definitely something I want to discuss today. But further to that, what about ghosting in friendships, in work relationships, and any kind of human interaction or communication. I think the concept is a lot more nuanced than someone not just texting you back after a mediocre first date. So there is so much to explore, especially as it relates to our twenties, where it seems everyone has a story about being ghosted. In this day and age, the psychology is fascinating and at times I think, quite unexpected. But like everything we talk about on this show, there's always an explanation behind any human behavior, including the ghost So without further ado, I say we jump straight into it. When did it become okay to essentially ice someone out of your life, to just stop communicating and hope someone gets the memo. Well, interestingly, ghosting is not an entirely new concept, although I think it's definitely on the rise with the invention of things like dating apps and social media, both of which have really detached us from our ability to genuinely communicate. But the term actually really originated in the Earth two thousands. It's what we would call a neologism, which is essentially a new term used to describe a type of human behavior that we didn't previously have a word for. I think it's very much a millennial term, and before its modern meaning, to ghost really meant to haunt and to be haunted by the memory of someone, which in some ways could be interpreted as a partial meaning of today's use of the term. You know, a relationship dies prematurely and we're left without answers and therefore somewhat haunted by the what ifs and the memories. Maybe this will make you feel better, maybe it won't. But people have been ghosted for generations. You know, their beloved would skip town, their letters would mysteriously be lost in the mail. People have been left without closure and without answers for all of history, particularly in romantic encounters. However, I do think that ghosting has definitely become a lot more prevalent. There was a survey conducted in the US and Canada and it looked at over eight hundred participants and it found that almost eighty percent of them had been ghosted in some form or another. And researchers and social psychologists they have a few explanations for this, the main culprit being Internet dating, but I think just the Internet in general. You know, apps like Hinge and Tinder, they give us a sense of unlimited matches and unlimited dates. It's this idea in psychology of choice overload. But they also have really undermined our ability to communicate, and as has social media and that sense of anonymity that it gives us. We have become a society that can now hide behind an online message or an unfollow rather than actually needing to have hard conversations and to expel breast ourselves honestly, and I think it's no surprise when we see the correlation with dating apps that this practice of ghosting. It typically happens in short term relationships or in the very early stages of dating when you kind of don't yet have the closeness with someone, whereby they feel you would need an answer if they were to end things. Your lives are not intertwined. You're still very much strangers, so it's easier to have less empathy around just cutting you out of their lives. I don't know. I think it is very typical for early stages in a relationship. But you do definitely hear these like horror stories about people in like five or ten year relationships whose partners suddenly disappear and they never hear from them again. And it also happens in friendships, which I think always sucks. You know, when you really feel like you connected with someone and then you never hear from them again, even when you try and reach out. And there's been this recent trend, recent term called corporate ghosting, which I know sounds super bizarre, but essentially we see it all the time. You go for an interview at a company and you never hear back, or your employer just stops giving you shifts instead of officially firing you. In all of these instances, I think it's very easy to turn the blame onto ourselves. Ghosting is very similar to rejection, if not almost identical, and so it activates some of those same negative cognitions and thought patterns. But here's the truth. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. I don't care how many times you've been ghosted or who you've been ghosted by. The reasons someone ghosts you, especially in a romantic situation, is their problem and their burden to cap and it often relates to their personality, to their emotional unavailability, their emotional intelligence, and even, like we said before, traits like narcissism or psychopathy. So let's explore some of the motivations and the reasons why people typically behave in this way from a psychological perspective as well. I think the psychology around this is so so fascinating and it reveals a lot about human behavior in general. So, firstly, if you've been ghosted by someone you were dating, most of the time it occurs because of a few reasons. So they did this study and they basically asked a bunch of people like have you been ghosted? And have you ever ghosted someone else? And the people who had ghosted other people they listed a few reasons as to why they'd done it, one of them and the most major one being faded or misplaced attraction, but also convenience and to avoid awkwardness, not because they particularly dislike you, or because they want to hurt you. Ghosting just comes with minimal emotional baggage and vulnerability. It's kind of the easy way out, and it doesn't require the other person to be accountable or honest. And that sounds like emotional unavailability to me. And I honestly believe that ghosting is the biggest indicator that someone is emotionally unavailable because this practice encapsulates so many of the behavioral signs of an emotionally unavailable person. This is someone who cannot own their own feelings, They lack the emotional skills to openly communicate, They are emotionally avoidant, and they treat connection as if it's infinite and that people are replaceable or undeserving of a response to them. And according to doctor Seth Myers, who is a clinical psychologist he's also one of the relationship experts behind the invention of e harmony throwback, but he says he would call most people who ghost emotionally unavailable because the very act of ghosting someone violates this fundamental social law of mutual respect and an even more basic human principle of communication. It may also indicate an avoidant attachment style and somewhat of an apathetic view towards dating and partnership. This person, because of the way they were raised or past relationships and their inherent emotional unavailability, has a lack of necessity for relationships, and therefore they're very quick to discard people in the most efficient way by cutting off all communication because they don't see the value in creating that psychological and emotional closure for someone else. They also probably never get to a point in their relationships in which they feel the other person actually deserves clarity. And I think honestly being ghosted has probably saved you a lot of future emotional suffering. So I would say take it as a blessing that this person has removed themselves from your life, rather than you having to do it four months down the track when you realize they are entirely emotionally avoidant and emotionally unavailable. They really did you a favor, and I think we all know that saying what is meant for you will not miss you, and I don't think that you are meant to be with an emotionally unavailable person. I think the other element of this is emotional intelligence. When people ask me why do people ghost? Why have I been ghosted? I always ask them to tell me how emotionally intelligent they think that person was. In psychology, this idea of emotional intelligence is also known as EQ. It refers to the ability to understand and manage your own emotions, as well as recognize the emotions of those around you. Opponent of that is not only obviously effective communication, which is essentially nonexistent when someone goess to you, but also empathy, which refers to the ability to sense and respect other's emotions. People who struggle with empathy, many of them find it difficult to consider the impact of their actions on others, leading them to I would say, engage in ghosting more often as a means of avoiding confrontation or emotional discomfort and taking the easy way out, the most convenient route for them at the expense of another person's feelings. A person's propensity to ghost is negatively correlated to their emotional intelligence. They typically do not have the emotional maturity to deal with complex human emotions, but additionally, they are unable to put themselves in your situation and empathize as to what they would have wanted if the tables had turned they were in your position, and I think that's a good reminder and a good thing to recognize the next time you're ghosted. Honestly, thank god you didn't end up with someone who didn't even have the empathy to send you a text saying they weren't interested. Imagine how much empathy they would have shown you when you were stressed at work or when you were arguing. You know, absolutely not. I think low EQ is a massive red flag, and if someone is willing to ghost you, they are showing their true colors. Personality, of course, is another underlying theme here. So according to this psychologist her name is Kelsey M. Latima, people who ghost in relationships are more likely to have what we would call undesirable personality traits and as well kind of these behaviors that we would call very self centered, very avoidant, narcissistic, and at times manipulative. So there's this theory in psychology. It's known as the dark triad, and it refers to a set of three very distinct personality traits that are considered socially malevolent and inherently exploitative. So these are narcissism, machiavelianism, and psychopathy. And it's believed that behaviors like ghosting are much more common in people who possess these traits. So let's quickly go through them. Narcissism, it refers to an inflated sense of self, a grandiosity that kind of tends to correspond with their social status and what other people can offer them. Individuals who are high in narcissism, they often have an exaggerated sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy for others. They tend to exploit others for their own gain and kind of engauge in these self enhancement tactics to maintain like a very polished self image. Machiavelianism is another that's the tendency towards manipulation and very i would say calculated, self serving social strategies. It's almost like they love to play games with other people. And finally, we have my favorite slash least favorite psychopathy, and that's actually a personality disorder, so someone can be a sociopath or a psychopath, but it's also a personality trait and it reflects a lack of impulse control, antisocial behavior, and just an overall lack of regard for other people's feelings. So if you are high on these dark triad traits, you may be more likely to choose ghosting rather than other direct and more empathetic ways to end a relationship. You know, it's very easy to send a casual I enjoyed our time together. But text, you know, that's very easy to do. And this theory that narcissism, macuvellinism, psychopathy were linked to ghosting, it was actually explored in this paper that they published in twenty twenty one. So in their study they looked at three hundred and fourteen participants and they found that people with higher levels of these dark triad traits were more likely not only to ghost people, but also to report that they found nothing wrong with that behavior. They found that entirely acceptable men, in particular, who displayed higher levels of narcissism, they were the most I would say, fond of ghosting as a way to end a relationship. And I think this makes a lot of sense when we dive a little bit deeper into it. If you're a narcissist, you prioritize your own needs about the feelings of others, and that can lead you to abruptly end a relationship without consideration for the impact it has on the other person. These people have this inflated sense of self importance and that makes them believe that they are entitled to move on without providing you an explanation and without providing you closure. When we think of machiavelianism, these individuals sometimes actually use ghosting as a tool to maintain control and to maintain power. By abruptly cutting off contact with you, they create confusion, they create anxiety, and they know that they create a sense of longing and that means that you're going to be thinking about them, and that gives them a sense of control over the relationship and a sense of control over you by using I would say silence almost as like a weapon. And finally, psychopaths they obviously lack empathy, which we spoke about before, but another big component of this disorder and of this t right is that they don't feel a sense of responsibility or guilt for the emotional impact their actions have. So whilst you could sit down with someone and say, oh, you know, you probably shouldn't ghost that person because it's really going to hurt their feelings, it's going to make them feel really rejected, it's going to injure their self esteem. Someone who's a psychopath genuinely does not have the natural levels of empathy to even understand that argument, So it's really it doesn't make sense to them. They see their world only as efficiency, and if they're done with a relationship, well, the most efficient, minimal impact, you know, the easiest thing for them to do is just to stop talking to you. And I'm obviously not claiming that every person who ghosts you can be labeled a psychopath or a narcissist. I really kind of disagree with us throwing those words around, but it is just one explanation. I also think it's important to note that there are some other less sinister, but at times I would stay still really unhealthy reasons that people cut off communication as a way to end a connection. And one of those is people pleasing tendencies, which I think is almost the opposite of lacking empathy, but instead having an excess of empathy. That it's maladaptive and it causes us to act in a manner that we think is helpful, but actually it's equally as hurtful. So if you are a lifelong people pleaser, you've probably spent your whole life highly attuned to the feelings of others, but you also have a lot of problems and insecurities around disappointing people or telling them something that they don't want to hear. So ending a relationship when you are this kind of person, when you have this kind of instinct, can be really difficult because feelings will be hurt. So we avoid having to explicitly let someone down by simply leaving them to figure it out by themselves, by ghosting them. And it may seem nice and it probably saves you the emotional discomfort of hurting someone, but really you're doing more damage than if you just fought against your people pleasing instinct and told them the truth. That's kind of the paradox of people pleasing at times. Sometimes we think we're doing the nice thing, but really we're just saving ourselves the emotional discomfort of having to let someone down when really they're still suffering. And I guess a final explanation that I really want to rest on for a second is that sometimes people just don't feel safe enough to end things through face to face communication. I think ghosting isn't always callous. We like to be nuanced on this show, and in some situations it's actually used as a way to prevent a potentially undesirable and dangerous situation in which confronting the person may actually be really emotionally volatile and perhaps unsafe. I do think those instances are very rare, though, and in most cases you can still give someone a phone call or I just think honesty is the best policy when possible. You know, we're all adults, we're not children. You need to own your emotions and be prepared to have hard conversations. Our avoidance of such situations, I think it may actually indicate sometimes that we are the emotionally unavailable ones. And the truth is that in any long term relationship with a partner, with a friend, with a family member, sometimes you need to have difficult chats and you need to let people down. But I think, regardless of someone's intentions, regardless of our understanding of those motivations, being ghosted can create a lot of confusion and anxiety, and there's a scientific reason as to why we feel that way. It's not just you, it's not just you alone in this situation. But if you've faced an instance where you have been ghosted, as unfortunate as it is, I think there is an ideal way to respond and to respond not just externally to someone else, but also internally. There's something to be learnt from being ghosted. We're going to talk about that in just a second. After this shortbreak ghosting it it takes us by surprise, it's very quick, it's ruthless, and unfortunately for the person being ghosted, it can be somewhat psychologically challenging to kind of integrate and get over it. You know, you feel angry, You're going to feel rejected. Your self esteem may even lapse, or you will respond with cynicism around dating and connection, you know, giving up on love, being like I cannot take another ghost I cannot take another instance of rejection. So why is that? There is this really fascinating article. I really actually would recommend it for further reading if you're interested. It's called In Defense of Ghosting, and the author explains how at the very heart of ghosting is rejection, and the reason we find it so difficult is because we wanted a different outcome, and that's something that we can't always accept. Psychologically, as a species, we crave closure. Any relationship, however short lived, it was. It requires us to put partial trust in another person that they will treat us well and respect our best interests. You know, without that, there really wouldn't have even been that spark. There wouldn't have been that connection. So, whether it's been a few days, a few weeks, a few months, our brains craven ending that gives us answers, and we respond poorly to situations where there are blanks or there is ambiguity, and it kind of essentially feels like it renders us powerless and leaves us with no opportunity to ask questions and to be provided with the information that would help us to emotionally process the experience that silence that we hear that there's nothingness there. In order to compensate for that, we provide our own answers to fill in the blanks and to give ourselves the closure that we desire. And often our explanations typically conclude that there was a problem with us rather than them. You know, we were too loud, we were too unattractive, we were too boring, and none of those things are correct, absolutely none of them. They were the immature one, They were emotionally unavailable, they were childish, you know, any human with a properly developed frontal lobe knows how to be kind but honest, and knows how to type out a text message providing you with an explanation. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. Even if you saw it coming, even if you know maybe the date was a little bit awkward, you still deserve an answer, right. That's just a genuine level of human respect. I think the other reason, though, that we find it so difficult is because we use social cues from others to regulate our emotions but also to provide us feedback around our value and our worthiness. So when we are rejected in such a callous way, we don't have any sense of how to react because well, they've kind of given us nothing to work with, so we don't really know what we can fix. We don't know how to respond. So, according to this article by Psychology Today, an amazing resource. By the way, if you're a psychology student out there, this is a great resource to use. But social cues, as we know, they allow us to regulate our own behavior according to how other people react and the information that other people are giving us, either through their words or through their actions. But when we are ghosted. It really deprives you of those usual social cues and it creates a sense of emotional dysregulation where you feel out of control. It's also just the science of good old faction, like rejection, which we all know is awful and we've all been rejected. Ghosting is a form of rejection, and from a psychological standpoint, this really does just threaten our basic human need for belongingness and for social connection. When we experience this, it can trigger a range of negative emotions like sadness, like shame, even anger, because the brain perceives rejection and ghosting as a threat to our social standing, as a threat to how accepted we are, as a threat to our inclusion in the in group, and that activates some of the same neural pathways that are associated with physical pain. It's an evolutionary siren, an evolutionary alarm in our head that goes, oh my gosh, this person doesn't like me. Will that mean that I survive? Because if I'm not liked historically, that meant I would not survive, and I would not live to pass on my genetics. I would not live to see my old age. And that psychological hurt can lead to a diminished sense of self worth and self esteem, and we begin to I would say, really it internalized that you know there is no outward explanation provided by that person. I've said that a million times, but no one is giving us an answer. We have to come up without ourselves. So it really destabilizes our self perception and our worldview, and it leaves us feeling particularly vulnerable and particularly uncertain. So what do we do now? What in the next steps here? What is the best way to respond? I always say this on this show, and it is a very deep personal philosophy of mine, But no response is the most powerful response, especially when we consider why people ghost and the personality traits that may be inherent within them, things like narcissism, things like psychopathy, things like machiavelianism. Remember, for some people, not all, but for some, ghosting is a way of asserting their power and their sense of entitlement. They may expect you to lash out, They may expect you to act needy and to triple message them, and that only feeds their ego in those instances, if you're really craving closure, I think a message template that I read that I think is spectacular and that you could send would be you know, hey, I haven't heard from you, while I'm not sure what happened, but I don't want to pursue this. I think my time is too valuable and I don't want to leave this door open. Best of luck that focus on this is my choice. You may have ghosted me, but I'm the one who's actually choosing to officially close the door. Is I think a very powerful statement, not just to them, but to yourself that you have agency in this situation. Honestly, I don't think texting people when they've ghosted you is advisable, But I would say that if you really need that tangible, solid ending, you really need that closure, make sure you frame it in a way that puts you at the epicenter of control, that gives you the sense of agency. But I really do think silence is the loudest sound when it comes to ghosting. I always try and think about this. Remember how you reacted to their silence, Remember how it left you feeling really hungry for more. Well, give them the feeling in return, Prove to them that you know your value and you're worth and you're not going to beg You're not going to ask for attention. You have an abundance of connections and options, and if they decide to treat you with disrespect, if they decide to treat you this way, that is entirely their right. But you're not going to argue with them. These individuals, I don't think they deserve a response. You know, they didn't care enough about your emotional needs and they don't really require any more thought from you. If that's the case, sometimes that urge is strong. Like I said, it's only psychologically natural to want answers. So if you're very much opposed to sending a text message, as I would probably advise you don't, the best way to avoid that is to remove them as a potential stimulus. So out of sight, out of mind, unfollow, delete your text thread, remove anything that might trigger you or provide a cue that you should message them or that you should reach out. And if you do see them, I would always say, be kind, show them that their actions did absolutely nothing to shake your self confidence, nothing to shake your resolve. They did you a favor by removing themselves from your life. You're also not going to change their mind. That's an important thing to remember as well. And I think it's also valuable to ask, you know, do you even want to change their mind? This person is most likely emotionally unavailable, emotionally unintelligent, or they are, you know, an unrestrained, unself aware people pleaser. What kind of future would you have had with them? Anyways? I would say probably not an emotionally satisfying one. Their opinion really doesn't mean anything to you. This person barely knew you. You barely knew them to the point where they couldn't even provide you with a message or the closure, or the empathy or the answers that you deserve. So I think the best is yet to come. And I would say my final piece of advice for getting over you know, the sense of being ghosted and kind of the pain of being ghosted is to let that disappointment teach you a lesson and allow it to inform your own actions and your own empathy. Meet their lack of empathy with an abundance of your own. And next time you're in a situation where you're feeling the urge to just kind of eye someone out, think about what you would want think about this experience. You know, we've all experienced that impulse because sometimes I think in the chaos of life, the last thing we want to do is have to deal with disappointing someone. But all of these experiences, I do think make us a more genuine, authentic, empathetic person, and you don't want to stoop to their level. You don't want to be someone who goes someone. A friend of mine actually has this really amazing anti ghosting message she uses, and I I had to ask her one day to like send it to me because I think it's so valuable. It goes something. I think it's pretty simple. It's like, hey, I really enjoyed getting to know you, and you're a wonderful person. Unfortunately, I don't see this going any further, but I truly wish you the best simple closure for you and for them. And it saves the bad blood of, you know, having to run into someone at a party and awkwardly pretend like you didn't fully ignore them. You know, honesty is always the best policy. We are not here to be ghosting people, whoever they are in your life. And finally, if I haven't said enough, you are not accountable for their actions or their choices. You are not at fault. That was their decision, and the best way you can move forward is to kind of rest back in your own power. Is to remind you that you are confident. Remind yourself that you are self assured, that you are spectacular and the right person would never think of treating you this way. Remember, no one's actions can hurt you if you don't let it. This person was never going to be good enough for you. They revealed that for you. They did you a favor, and the best way you can respond to that is by taking their answer, taking their response, and moving on. You don't need to beg this is not the person for you. This is just a blip on your radar. I just think life gets so much better when we realize that other people's opinions don't matter unless we let them. And this is really one of those instances where this person was like a complete stranger to you, perhaps even a couple of weeks ago, and they will become a stranger again and there is no harm in that. So I really hope that you enjoyed this episode. I really did. I love talking about ghosting. It's something that my friends and I talk about quite a bit actually, around who we've been ghost to buy, But also when did it become socially acceptable to do that? And I do think that the rise of technology and social media and online interactions have really lessened our sense of accountability when it comes to other people's emotions. That's just one of my theories. But if you have been ghosted, however recent it was, I hope this episode provided you with the closure that that person didn't. You really do deserve it. 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