252 | Mastering Neutrality: The "Missing Tenet" in Child-Centered Play Therapy

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi,

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I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode,

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we are diving into a new series on neutrality.

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And

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I've been thinking a lot about this lately.

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I've been watching play session videos and in

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the Collective and on the coaching calls.

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I've been noticing.

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That there are some moments where

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even though

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it is theoretically CCPT.

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It is not neutral.

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And I realized that I haven't really

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brought this up,

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and we haven't really talked about this.

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So

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I want to

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span maybe I don't know,

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2, 3, 4 weeks on this

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because I really think this is

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a pretty important piece of what we do

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and if this gets missed,

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I think we inevitably find ourselves

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inadvertently deviating from

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the intention of CCPT

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even if we're not deviating in the execution of CCPT.

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And I think once we dive into this,

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you'll potentially understand a little bit more about

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what I mean and the difference there.

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So,

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let me

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give you a little bit of background.

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I,

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many of you know,

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I've been in this

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profession and field for 20 years,

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literally next month,

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it'll be 20 years.

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And

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I remember vividly

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the handful of times.

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I can tell you

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which office I was in.

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I can tell you where I was sitting in the room.

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I can tell you which kid I was playing with.

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I can tell you what they were doing when it happened.

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When I say vivid memories,

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it's that vivid.

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I remember every detail

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of several moments

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with these specific kids

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where something happened.

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And I did not remain neutral,

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even though I remained adherent.

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In other words,

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my tone of voice was not neutral,

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my body language was not neutral,

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maybe the

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attitude

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with which I interacted was not neutral.

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My emotions certainly were not neutral.

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And

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I remember

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sensing,

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oh wow,

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like you,

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you said the thing that was adherent,

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but

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that didn't feel

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congruent because it wasn't neutral.

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And I'm telling this story to let you know,

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I hated

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what happened after those moments.

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I hated how I felt.

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I hated how the child looked at me.

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I hated

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the child's reaction after the fact.

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I hated the silence

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that emerged as a result of my lack of neutrality.

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I really felt there was a fracture.

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I felt that there was a rupture.

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It was tangible.

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And thankfully it wasn't

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long lived.

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It was reparable.

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But the few times that I early in my career,

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I was not neutral.

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I remember

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how much I hated

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what happened after that.

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And I reached a point,

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maybe the 3rd or 4th time.

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Where I just made a decision.

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I never want to be in this position again.

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And I refuse to.

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And here's why I gave you that story before I dive into this because

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I never learned

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about neutrality.

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Not one person,

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not one text,

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not one training.

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No one,

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nothing has ever.

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Shared with me the concept of neutrality

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when it comes to CCPT.

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But I was very aware of it

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when I didn't convey it

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and what happened

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as a result.

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So this is more kind of a live and learn,

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you,

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you trial and error your way through things

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sometimes and lessons are acquired along the way.

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I hated,

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and I know that's a strong word,

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but I mean it.

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I hated

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what happened when I wasn't neutral with kids.

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And I just decided in that moment I will never do it again.

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So when we get into this series,

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we're going to talk through

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lots of my thoughts about this and,

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and best practices to try to remain neutral and things that can sometimes get

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in the way and we don't even realize that we're not being fully neutral,

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so we're going to really kind of dive in pretty deeply here.

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But I liken this to.

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I don't mean to be funny here,

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but I liken this to

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a choice.

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Because

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CCPT is all about empowerment choices

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and enforcement choices,

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and this is a huge piece of what we do with our kids.

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It's one of our four pillars.

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So pretty consistently kids are given choices.

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This is a choice.

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You have a choice to be neutral,

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or you have a choice to not be neutral.

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And

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I'm sad to say this,

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but it's just the reality of things.

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I know

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in my

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soul,

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some of you will choose not to be neutral.

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And I have to accept that.

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I,

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I just have to know that that is

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the truth and that's the reality,

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and it is what it is.

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But

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from the depth of my being,

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I'm going to do everything I can

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to hope that as many of you as possible

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will choose

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to be neutral moving forward.

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Because when we are not,

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it fractures and ruptures and damages the relationship.

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And it's in subtle ways.

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And often we

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are still following CCPT principles.

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We are still using CCPT skills.

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But the neutrality is not there.

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And

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we are going to talk a lot more

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in depth about what neutrality actually is in the playroom,

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but

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I would define it as

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a sense of no matter what happens,

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we have no

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Obvious reaction.

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So,

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our tone of voice stays the same,

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our facial expression stays the same,

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our skills stay the same,

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our interactions stay the same,

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our emotions stay the same,

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we are neutral.

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In other words,

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were unfazed.

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And the child never feels a sense of

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wow

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Because

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often when I watch play sessions,

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and often when I'm

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hearing examples or,

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you know,

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here's what happened in a playroom being conveyed to me.

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Even if what is being said

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is adherent.

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It's certainly not neutral.

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And I think that this gets in the way

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of not only the relationship we have with our kids,

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but it gets in the way of

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the model.

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Because everything about

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child centeredness

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is unconditional.

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We can't have unconditional acceptance.

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If we are not neutral.

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It's impossible.

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Because no matter what happens in the playroom,

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it can't bother you.

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If it bothers you,

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you don't unconditionally accept the child.

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So all of this is woven together and nobody

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presents this

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in a way that this becomes a tenant

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that we learn.

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I just kind of figured it out,

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and I think some of you have also figured it out.

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Actually,

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a lot of my coaching people,

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I've watched you

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go from

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lacking neutrality early on in the program

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to being extremely neutral toward the end of it.

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It is something you can master.

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It is something that you can work on.

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It is a choice.

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It's that simple.

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I don't know if I've ever shared the story.

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If I have,

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it'll still be funny the second time around,

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but not funny for me,

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funny for you.

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I spoke ages and ages ago,

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really the first time that I was asked to speak for a long length of time.

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I had to speak at a church for about 45 minutes,

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and it was the first time that I spoke at length.

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It was videotaped,

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yes,

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on a VHS recorder back then.

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Video taped.

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I watched it back.

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I said,

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um,

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I lost count after the 500 mark,

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so many times.

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This is the same scenario,

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because if you've heard this story before,

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you know that after I watched that video.

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To myself in my own head,

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I said you will never say the word um again.

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And that was it.

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That was it for me.

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It was in that moment I made a choice and I've never looked back.

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Same principle applies with this neutrality concept.

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You can make a decision at this very second.

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No matter what happens forever

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moving forward in my playroom with my clients,

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I'm going to be neutral.

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And there's lots of things we need to do to get there.

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We're going to talk through those things.

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But neutrality is a choice.

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And

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if you want control,

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you're not neutral.

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If you get flustered,

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you're not neutral.

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If a kid's behavior irritates you,

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you're not neutral.

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If a certain type of play gets under your skin,

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you're not neutral.

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When a kid hurts you

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and you react,

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you're not neutral.

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Example after example after example that I see.

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This is something we have to get our heads around.

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And I think if we do this.

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Not only are we so much better of a clinician for it.

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But our kids get the gift

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of nothing to get in the way of their process.

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We,

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we try to stay out of kids' way.

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We talk about that concept a lot.

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We just need to get out of their way because they will self-actualize.

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When we're not neutral,

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that gets in the way.

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So,

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this series is specifically to address that.

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So I hope that this is exciting.

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I hope that this is giving you something to think about.

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That's one of my favorite things is when you all

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ruminate over things,

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and it's a food for thought scenario.

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We're planting seeds

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so that we

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can be at the top tier of our field.

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And I'm sure there are lots and lots and lots of play therapists

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that

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are clinically sound,

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but have no

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concept of whether or not their responses are perceived as neutral or not.

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And

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not on my watch.

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So

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anyway,

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that's where we're going with the series.

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I hope that that excites you.

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I hope that you're looking forward to it.

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If you would like to reach out,

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please do so,

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brenna@thekidcounselor.com.

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If you haven't,

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I haven't said this in a while,

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so if you have not checked it out,

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please check out www.CCPTCollective.com.

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You will find a wealth of resources there,

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forums,

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discussions,

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all kinds of posts from people all over the world that are practicing CCPT.

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And a huge network of like-minded people that you will find to be your tribe.

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You get

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two opportunities each week to do a live Zoom call with me

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and all of the other members that hop on the call.

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So definitely check that out if you haven't yet or if you're new to the podcast,

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first of all,

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so glad you're here.

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Please check that out.

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It is just an incredible place to hang out and

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to be with your people.

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And also,

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if you are interested in any of the coaching programs that I offer,

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please go to www.playtherapypro.com

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and you can find out about all of the upcoming trainings

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and coaching programs that are available.

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Many of you have reached out and said,

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Where do I find out about that stuff?

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So Play Therapy Pro is where you need to go,

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and that will give you

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the tracks and what those programs look like so you can set up a call with me.

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All right,

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y'all,

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I hope you have a lovely week.

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We'll talk again soon.

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Love you.

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Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr.

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Brenna Hicks.

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For more episodes and resources,

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please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.