#53 Leif

Khalila. Yeah, hi 's Jonathan. 0:00:07.040 --> 0:00:08.600 Yeah, I called you. 0:00:08.640 --> 0:00:12.160 So you're hosting the show. Yeah, it's a personal story. 0:00:12.240 --> 0:00:14.680 Indeed. Yeah, it's kind of like an oral report that 0:00:14.800 --> 0:00:16.840 you're condescending. 0:00:19.400 --> 0:00:21.800 Well, I mean it's a report given by the mouth. 0:00:21.840 --> 0:00:24.480 I mean sure, by that metric, all your episodes are 0:00:24.600 --> 0:00:28.560 or all reports. So well, yeah, it doesn't feel so good, 0:00:28.560 --> 0:00:29.040 it doesn't. 0:00:29.120 --> 0:00:29.800 It doesn't. 0:00:30.320 --> 0:00:31.720 Here we go an oral. 0:00:31.520 --> 0:00:34.880 Report given by Khalila Holt. 0:00:35.000 --> 0:00:36.960 All right, put your name at the top of the 0:00:37.080 --> 0:00:38.040 oral report. 0:00:38.479 --> 0:00:40.000 How do you pay your name at the top of 0:00:40.120 --> 0:00:42.080 an oral report? 0:00:42.440 --> 0:00:43.000 You say it. 0:00:49.680 --> 0:00:53.840 I'm Khalila Holt and this is have You eight today's 0:00:53.880 --> 0:01:12.640 episode Lathe right after the break, I'm walking to work 0:01:12.720 --> 0:01:16.640 one morning when I spot Laife heading towards me. From 0:01:16.680 --> 0:01:20.000 the ages of twelve to fourteen, life was my crush, 0:01:20.360 --> 0:01:24.240 the object of my junior high obsession. I still google 0:01:24.319 --> 0:01:28.360 him occasionally, but he's completely absent from the internet. I 0:01:28.400 --> 0:01:31.120 have no idea what became of him. It's like he 0:01:31.280 --> 0:01:34.360 just disappeared. So when I see him on the street, 0:01:34.760 --> 0:01:37.200 I feel my heart speed up. I wonder if I 0:01:37.200 --> 0:01:40.960 should say hi. I wonder if I say hi in 0:01:41.000 --> 0:01:47.680 what tone I should go life, life, Oh Liafe. But 0:01:47.800 --> 0:01:51.280 then as I dropped closer, I realized that the man 0:01:51.360 --> 0:01:54.160 I thought was life is not life at all, and 0:01:54.240 --> 0:01:57.680 in fact, it is not even a man. He's a teenager. 0:01:58.680 --> 0:02:01.680 This makes sense give that I've not seen Laife since 0:02:01.720 --> 0:02:05.960 I was fourteen years old. Still having your heart speed 0:02:06.040 --> 0:02:08.320 up at the sight of a teenager is a sure 0:02:08.360 --> 0:02:15.359 way to feel like a creep. And just like that, 0:02:15.880 --> 0:02:19.480 to quote Carrie Bradshaw, Lefe is back on my mind 0:02:22.600 --> 0:02:25.120 all these years later, and I remember the exact type 0:02:25.120 --> 0:02:28.600 of pen laf Ro with. I remember his birthday. I 0:02:28.639 --> 0:02:31.000 remember how he kept his wallet on a long chain 0:02:31.400 --> 0:02:33.480 the first time I'd ever seen such a thing done, 0:02:33.960 --> 0:02:36.760 and wore a quicksilver sweatshirt with holes worn through the 0:02:36.800 --> 0:02:40.160 sleeves that he'd stick his thumbs through. He was pale, 0:02:40.240 --> 0:02:42.799 with blue eyes, short and slight. 0:02:43.639 --> 0:02:47.080 I remember him being kind of like wayfish, almost like 0:02:47.160 --> 0:02:48.680 kind of almost like a furial. 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:53.800 Crushes do not exist in a vacuum. They require gleeful 0:02:53.880 --> 0:02:57.799 gossip with your friends. And so I call Echia, who's 0:02:57.840 --> 0:03:00.960 been my best friend since elementary school, to talk about 0:03:00.960 --> 0:03:02.320 our old classmate Laife. 0:03:02.760 --> 0:03:05.000 He had this like light blonde hair that he died 0:03:05.000 --> 0:03:07.880 and was a long like down to her, but hair 0:03:08.000 --> 0:03:10.400 long like like a bobbling but like shag. 0:03:10.520 --> 0:03:15.840 Then yeah, there go the men's bob. Once, while away 0:03:15.880 --> 0:03:19.000 on a school sponsored trip, we phoned Leife from our 0:03:19.000 --> 0:03:23.360 hotel room, me, Lucia, and our other friend, Emily. But 0:03:23.400 --> 0:03:26.440 three of us huddled together on the scratchy Marriotte comforter, 0:03:27.000 --> 0:03:30.680 stifling our giddiness as we dialed. My God, I don't 0:03:30.720 --> 0:03:32.519 remember if we actually talked to the thing I remember 0:03:32.560 --> 0:03:35.720 is that we called. We talked to his mom. Our 0:03:35.720 --> 0:03:39.240 friend Emily asked if she could speak with Laife. It's Emily, 0:03:39.320 --> 0:03:43.480 she said. Emily said, Leife's mom, go upstairs and talk 0:03:43.520 --> 0:03:46.920 to him. Then she hung up on us. Turned out 0:03:46.920 --> 0:03:48.240 he had a sister named Emily. 0:03:49.160 --> 0:03:49.960 So weird. 0:03:51.240 --> 0:03:54.960 Lucia's stepmom was a photographer, and she once mentioned that 0:03:55.000 --> 0:03:57.560 if Leife and I ever started dating, she wanted to 0:03:57.600 --> 0:04:00.400 take our portrait. I don't think she knew I had 0:04:00.400 --> 0:04:03.560 a crush on him. Laife was just so short and 0:04:03.600 --> 0:04:06.040 I was so tall that I think she found the 0:04:06.080 --> 0:04:09.520 idea of us as a couple funny. I was already 0:04:09.560 --> 0:04:12.480 six feet tall by the end of eighth grade. I 0:04:12.520 --> 0:04:15.680 got pressured into playing basketball, but I was so meek 0:04:15.760 --> 0:04:18.640 that I usually just stood there while some terrifying girl 0:04:18.760 --> 0:04:21.599 shoved by me with the ball. I don't like to 0:04:21.600 --> 0:04:24.840 look at pictures of myself from that time, standing next 0:04:24.839 --> 0:04:27.400 to other kids my age. I look like the teacher 0:04:27.839 --> 0:04:31.520 or like someone's off putting sister home from college. None 0:04:31.520 --> 0:04:34.680 of my pants fit correctly. My socks were always pulled 0:04:34.720 --> 0:04:37.600 up too high. I used to listen to the song 0:04:37.760 --> 0:04:42.160 eleanor Rigby and panic. In my interpretation, it was a 0:04:42.160 --> 0:04:44.480 song about how no one wanted to date poor old 0:04:44.520 --> 0:04:47.640 eleanor Rigby, just like no one wanted to date me. 0:04:54.160 --> 0:04:56.360 When I was thirteen. One day I was sitting by 0:04:56.360 --> 0:04:59.279 the gym after school with my friend Desiree, when she 0:04:59.360 --> 0:05:03.560 told me, I picture you getting a boyfriend in college. 0:05:03.640 --> 0:05:06.159 She laid out this whole hypothetical where me and my 0:05:06.240 --> 0:05:09.240 future boyfriend reached for the same book at the library. 0:05:10.040 --> 0:05:14.280 At the time. I was offended college. Other girls at 0:05:14.320 --> 0:05:18.960 my school, desire included, already had boyfriends the middle school 0:05:19.040 --> 0:05:21.240 version of a boyfriend where you were afraid to touch 0:05:21.279 --> 0:05:24.080 each other and broke up after a week. But still 0:05:24.680 --> 0:05:27.960 I had to wait till college. But as it turned 0:05:27.960 --> 0:05:31.280 out I did not get a boyfriend before college, nor 0:05:31.320 --> 0:05:35.640 in college, nor even for several years after college, and 0:05:35.720 --> 0:05:40.039 so I concluded the problem was not my circumstances. The 0:05:40.120 --> 0:05:44.960 problem was me. I was not datable. After meeting me 0:05:45.040 --> 0:05:48.239 for the first time, people might say, oh, she was funny, 0:05:48.760 --> 0:05:52.479 but they'd never say, is she single. I was simply 0:05:52.520 --> 0:05:56.840 not a person that anyone could think of romantically. At 0:05:56.839 --> 0:06:00.080 college parties, boys would grab my friends and start danced 0:06:00.360 --> 0:06:03.240 with them, and I would stay for a while, dancing 0:06:03.279 --> 0:06:05.680 alongside them like I was part of the good time. 0:06:06.200 --> 0:06:09.240 But eventually I'd walk away. It was weird for me 0:06:09.320 --> 0:06:12.760 to keep standing there smiling blankly at the wall while 0:06:12.800 --> 0:06:16.480 they were making out. By now, I'm in my thirties 0:06:16.920 --> 0:06:19.880 and I actually do have a boyfriend. Sam and I 0:06:19.920 --> 0:06:23.920 have been together for four years. We live together, We've 0:06:23.960 --> 0:06:26.880 taken trips, know each other's moms, list each other on 0:06:26.960 --> 0:06:31.599 emergency contact forms, and yet still I can't shake this 0:06:31.680 --> 0:06:34.560 feeling that I'm behind, that there's something wrong with me, 0:06:35.240 --> 0:06:37.920 that I started too late, and now I can never 0:06:38.000 --> 0:06:42.440 catch up. Sometimes Sam tells me stories about the girls 0:06:42.440 --> 0:06:44.680 he used to hook up with, or about his high 0:06:44.720 --> 0:06:47.800 school girlfriend, or the girlfriend he lived with before he 0:06:47.839 --> 0:06:50.520 lived with me. I know that he's not trying to 0:06:50.560 --> 0:06:53.200 get back together with any of these people. I know 0:06:53.320 --> 0:06:57.080 he has invested in our relationship as I am. Still, 0:06:57.600 --> 0:07:00.760 when he tells these stories, I feel so inadequate that 0:07:00.839 --> 0:07:04.000 I want to cry. A couple times I have cried, 0:07:04.360 --> 0:07:07.520 and he's been confused, and suddenly we're in an argument 0:07:07.680 --> 0:07:09.920 because I don't know how to explain why I'm crying. 0:07:10.920 --> 0:07:14.200 I want charming stories like that one of rhapsodizes about 0:07:14.240 --> 0:07:18.680 my past of young love and mutual discovery. Instead, my 0:07:18.800 --> 0:07:21.400 past is a wall I smiled at, and the only 0:07:21.480 --> 0:07:24.240 stories I have about people I've hooked up with are 0:07:24.320 --> 0:07:34.640 vaguely unsettling to repeat. I liked leife at a time 0:07:34.760 --> 0:07:37.880 before all that, back when it still felt like romance 0:07:37.960 --> 0:07:40.800 might happen for me, like any interaction could be the 0:07:40.800 --> 0:07:44.320 start of a love story for the ages. One time 0:07:44.480 --> 0:07:47.200 I brought Whole Food sushi for lunch and felt self 0:07:47.240 --> 0:07:50.320 conscious because I'd seen the Breakfast Club in which Molly 0:07:50.400 --> 0:07:53.800 Ringwald is mocked for bringing sushi for lunch. But Leif 0:07:53.880 --> 0:07:56.360 walked by my table and said, is that sushi? And 0:07:56.400 --> 0:07:58.600 I said yes, and he said, I love sushi, and 0:07:58.680 --> 0:08:00.720 I said, would you like a piece? He said really, 0:08:00.720 --> 0:08:02.960 and I said yes, And suddenly I was proud to 0:08:03.000 --> 0:08:06.800 have a lunch of whole food sushi. Laife talked constantly 0:08:06.840 --> 0:08:09.960 about a band called Billy Talent, a semi yelly alt 0:08:10.080 --> 0:08:14.080 rock group with lyrics about misery. I started listening to 0:08:14.120 --> 0:08:16.920 them because I knew Leafe liked them, and from there 0:08:17.080 --> 0:08:21.040 became an obsessive fan myself. Once I ran into Laife 0:08:21.080 --> 0:08:24.160 at a Billy Talent concert, I pretended not to see 0:08:24.240 --> 0:08:26.240 him because I didn't want him to think that I'd 0:08:26.240 --> 0:08:29.120 followed him there, But he came over and said hi 0:08:29.160 --> 0:08:32.800 to me. There were little moments where it almost seemed 0:08:32.800 --> 0:08:35.760 like he could be flirting with me. We followed each 0:08:35.800 --> 0:08:38.680 other on the blogging site zanga, and for a while 0:08:38.840 --> 0:08:41.280 there was some sort of glitch where Laife was unable 0:08:41.320 --> 0:08:44.480 to comment on my page. When the glitch was fixed, 0:08:44.800 --> 0:08:47.240 he was so excited that he left me one hundred 0:08:47.240 --> 0:08:51.120 comments in a row. Comment forty two said on the 0:08:51.160 --> 0:08:54.719 forty second day of Christmas, I gave to Kaylee one 0:08:54.800 --> 0:09:04.160 hundred comments, lots of typing and a pear tree. I 0:09:04.200 --> 0:09:07.320 still have a journal from that time. In it I'd 0:09:07.320 --> 0:09:11.040 write Laife all these vague letters. It is humiliating to 0:09:11.040 --> 0:09:13.800 read these letters now, to the point where I refuse 0:09:13.880 --> 0:09:17.000 to quote them here. Suffice it to say that I 0:09:17.080 --> 0:09:22.120 constantly referred to him as dearest. Surrounding the letters are 0:09:22.200 --> 0:09:25.840 my thoughts about myself, mostly how I wished I were 0:09:25.880 --> 0:09:31.599 a different person, entirely, someone charismatic and sought after. Sometimes 0:09:31.640 --> 0:09:34.120 I'd have this huge swell of self hatred that I 0:09:34.120 --> 0:09:36.920 didn't know what to do with. Once I tried to 0:09:36.960 --> 0:09:39.840 caught myself, but the kitchen knife I chose was not 0:09:39.960 --> 0:09:42.520 very sharp, and so it was harder than I thought 0:09:42.520 --> 0:09:45.880 it would be, and I gave up. When I find 0:09:45.880 --> 0:09:48.760 someone who wants to date me, I thought this feeling 0:09:48.800 --> 0:09:53.160 will go away. I hoped that Liafe might be that someone. 0:09:53.280 --> 0:09:56.640 I'd talked long fantasies about how we'd get together, And 0:09:56.720 --> 0:09:59.120 sometimes I'd realize what a good mood I was in, 0:09:59.440 --> 0:10:01.680 and then I'd realized the good mood was because of 0:10:01.720 --> 0:10:05.240 something I'd made up, something that hadn't really happened at all. 0:10:12.280 --> 0:10:16.160 In the winter of eighth grade, I finally decided enough 0:10:16.200 --> 0:10:19.480 with the secret pining. It was time to let Laife 0:10:19.520 --> 0:10:24.240 know how I felt. And so I took action, and 0:10:24.400 --> 0:10:27.240 by took action, I mean that I delegated action to 0:10:27.400 --> 0:10:30.520 other people. There was a stairway right next to our 0:10:30.520 --> 0:10:33.679 classroom that was just a single flight and closed by 0:10:33.720 --> 0:10:36.920 doors on each side. It was in this room of 0:10:37.000 --> 0:10:40.720 stairs that my friends Lucia and Emily cornered Leaf and 0:10:40.760 --> 0:10:43.160 told him that I liked him while I ran home 0:10:43.200 --> 0:10:47.679 and hid. Afterwards, I asked them what he said. They 0:10:47.720 --> 0:10:52.280 told me he said okay. That night, in a fit 0:10:52.320 --> 0:10:56.559 of panic and despair, I got online. I logged onto 0:10:56.679 --> 0:10:59.679 Zanga and I wrote a veiled, angsty post about what 0:10:59.760 --> 0:11:03.319 he huge mistake I'd made. Laife saw the post as 0:11:03.360 --> 0:11:05.720 I knew he would, and he I amed my friend 0:11:05.800 --> 0:11:09.960 Karina about it. And here is where something amazing happened, 0:11:10.679 --> 0:11:14.600 because in this conversation with Karina, Laife said he would 0:11:14.640 --> 0:11:18.120 date me. He said he thought I was cool. He 0:11:18.240 --> 0:11:23.199 was going to ask me out on Valentine's Day. Seeing 0:11:23.240 --> 0:11:25.840 couples perform how much they liked each other made me 0:11:25.880 --> 0:11:29.960 feel inferior. So I hated Valentine's Day with a showy passion. 0:11:30.720 --> 0:11:34.000 Each February fourteenth, I'd wear all black as a sign 0:11:34.040 --> 0:11:38.319 of protest. Laife's thought was that this romantic gesture might 0:11:38.360 --> 0:11:41.520 help me to reclaim the holiday. I know all this 0:11:41.679 --> 0:11:45.120 because at the time, Karina promptly copy and pasted the 0:11:45.160 --> 0:11:48.440 ims with Life into an email for me. I couldn't 0:11:48.440 --> 0:11:52.520 believe what I was reading. I was so happy. Finally, 0:11:52.600 --> 0:11:56.320 I thought, finally, the thing that only happens to other people, 0:11:56.880 --> 0:12:06.200 it's now happening to me. On Valentine's Day, I got 0:12:06.280 --> 0:12:09.480 up and my mom drove me to school. People were 0:12:09.480 --> 0:12:13.359 giving out candy and paper hearts. I tried to look nonchalant. 0:12:14.160 --> 0:12:18.559 I went to science class, I went to lunch, to recess, 0:12:19.200 --> 0:12:24.280 to math, to basketball, and then school was over and 0:12:24.360 --> 0:12:27.880 I went home. Laife did not say a single word 0:12:27.880 --> 0:12:31.520 to me all day. I have no idea what happened 0:12:32.040 --> 0:12:33.440 or why he changed his mind. 0:12:34.840 --> 0:12:37.760 Huh did you ever talk to him about it? 0:12:38.640 --> 0:12:41.960 I rehash all this on the phone with Lucia. Never 0:12:42.559 --> 0:12:46.200 did we speak directly about it, like we spoke through 0:12:46.240 --> 0:12:50.000 you and Emily, through Karina on IM and like through 0:12:50.160 --> 0:12:55.679 my veiled Zanga posts. Interesting and having been my best 0:12:55.720 --> 0:12:59.040 friend for all these years, Lucia into It's what I'm 0:12:59.040 --> 0:12:59.680 building up to. 0:13:00.600 --> 0:13:04.480 So you want to try to find him more. 0:13:04.800 --> 0:13:08.040 Yeah, but I'm afraid I tried a drafting a letter, 0:13:08.120 --> 0:13:12.680 and I was like, do I just sound into same anyway? 0:13:12.760 --> 0:13:14.720 So do you think this is completely insane to do? 0:13:15.520 --> 0:13:17.560 No? I mean, I'm sure you wrote. 0:13:18.040 --> 0:13:21.520 You're a very good writer and a thoughtful person, so 0:13:21.559 --> 0:13:22.319 I'm sure. 0:13:22.280 --> 0:13:24.280 The way you approached it was good. 0:13:25.400 --> 0:13:28.640 Since googling Life had always failed me, I turned to 0:13:28.679 --> 0:13:32.160 a public records database that I get through work. I 0:13:32.200 --> 0:13:35.079 was hoping to discover a possible mailing address for Life, 0:13:35.760 --> 0:13:38.520 and I did looks like maybe he lives in Arizona. 0:13:38.760 --> 0:13:41.520 And I saw he had like a from twenty twenty 0:13:42.240 --> 0:13:45.160 court thing from defacing a political sign. 0:13:48.559 --> 0:13:50.000 Well, I guess you don't know which direction. 0:13:50.160 --> 0:13:54.680 I know it's a good direction. I want to talk 0:13:54.720 --> 0:13:57.679 to Life directly, the way I never did back then. 0:13:58.520 --> 0:14:00.200 I want to know what he really thought of me, 0:14:00.880 --> 0:14:03.920 and why he never asked me out on Valentine's Day. 0:14:05.160 --> 0:14:08.880 All these years, I've believed this story about how people 0:14:08.920 --> 0:14:12.200 don't see me romantically. But if I can change the 0:14:12.240 --> 0:14:15.400 beginning of that story, if I can see myself differently 0:14:15.440 --> 0:14:20.720 at thirteen, it could reframe everything that came after I 0:14:20.880 --> 0:14:22.360 name dropped you in the letter. 0:14:22.600 --> 0:14:24.680 Dropped me because I'm so well known. 0:14:25.120 --> 0:14:27.360 Well, I was like, we used to live together, but 0:14:27.560 --> 0:14:29.880 now we both live with our boyfriend, so that he 0:14:29.920 --> 0:14:32.800 wouldn't think I was like trying to date him now 0:14:34.080 --> 0:14:36.480 high life. I wrote in my letter, I don't know 0:14:36.480 --> 0:14:39.040 if you remember me, but we went to near North together. 0:14:39.600 --> 0:14:41.760 I had a huge crush on you, and I was 0:14:41.800 --> 0:14:43.960 hoping you'd be up to talk to me about what 0:14:44.040 --> 0:14:47.120 you remember from that time. I hang up the phone 0:14:47.160 --> 0:15:05.240 with Lucia and I walked to the mailbox. I send 0:15:05.280 --> 0:15:08.480 off my letter, but then several weeks to go by 0:15:08.840 --> 0:15:12.280 and nothing. Did Liife get the letter and decide to 0:15:12.320 --> 0:15:15.520 ignore me? Or do I just have the wrong address 0:15:16.720 --> 0:15:20.440 usually when reporting a story. I tried calling at this point, 0:15:20.560 --> 0:15:23.760 and I did find a phone number for Laife. However, 0:15:24.240 --> 0:15:26.840 the idea of dialing it makes me want to lie 0:15:26.880 --> 0:15:30.040 down in the middle of the street and simply pass away. 0:15:31.080 --> 0:15:34.400 And so, just like I did at thirteen, I recruit 0:15:34.400 --> 0:15:35.840 someone else as an envoy. 0:15:36.440 --> 0:15:37.920 And who is it? Someone else? 0:15:38.440 --> 0:15:38.560 You? 0:15:38.960 --> 0:15:39.920 Oh, yeah, it's you. 0:15:40.400 --> 0:15:44.000 Okay, So I'm sort of like that whole quorum of 0:15:44.120 --> 0:15:46.320 girls all in one adult man. 0:15:47.160 --> 0:15:50.920 This is a regular host of this program, Jonathan Goldstein. 0:15:51.680 --> 0:15:54.040 I want him to call Laife on my behalf to 0:15:54.080 --> 0:15:56.200 see if Laife got the letter. I would be open 0:15:56.280 --> 0:15:57.760 to speaking with me. Yeah. 0:15:57.840 --> 0:15:59.840 No, I don't think that'll be awkward at all. Let 0:15:59.840 --> 0:16:03.640 me get my pattern down here. Hi, there was this girl. 0:16:03.720 --> 0:16:04.880 Her name was Khaleila Hole. 0:16:05.120 --> 0:16:06.960 You should say Kaylee first. I think you would know 0:16:07.040 --> 0:16:07.600 me by Kaylee. 0:16:08.200 --> 0:16:10.520 Hi, I'm Kaylee Holt's boss. 0:16:12.440 --> 0:16:14.520 What do you say like that? It is really weird. 0:16:14.600 --> 0:16:15.280 That is weird. 0:16:15.800 --> 0:16:19.280 No, Hi, you don't know me, but I was enlisted 0:16:19.440 --> 0:16:21.760 by an old school chum of yours. 0:16:21.960 --> 0:16:24.240 Oh, don't say school. 0:16:23.280 --> 0:16:25.800 An old flame, a paramore. 0:16:26.200 --> 0:16:29.200 My confidence is decreasing with every passing second. 0:16:29.360 --> 0:16:33.560 I want embarrass you in front of your crush. 0:16:33.600 --> 0:16:34.240 Are you joking? 0:16:34.520 --> 0:16:35.640 Choking on this bon bon? 0:16:36.520 --> 0:16:39.600 As my boss asphyxiates on a piece of candy. I 0:16:39.680 --> 0:16:42.800 weigh the pros and cons of just making the call myself, 0:16:43.560 --> 0:16:45.840 But in the end I make the same choice I 0:16:45.840 --> 0:16:49.000 did back then, better to send an incompetent in my 0:16:49.120 --> 0:16:59.360 stead while I hide at home. I obsess all day Thursday. 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:03.560 I obsessed all day Friday. Jonathan doesn't offer me a 0:17:03.600 --> 0:17:06.920 single update. I can't even tell if he's made the call. 0:17:07.040 --> 0:17:10.639 Yet then the weekend begins and I still have no 0:17:10.720 --> 0:17:15.080 idea what he's done. Okay, but whatever you did do 0:17:15.240 --> 0:17:19.800 it worked because Friday night checked my email and I 0:17:20.000 --> 0:17:22.240 had an email from Leife saying that he would talk 0:17:22.280 --> 0:17:22.480 to me. 0:17:28.000 --> 0:17:28.440 Wow. 0:17:28.640 --> 0:17:34.000 Okay, well, let me just say I am almost one 0:17:34.080 --> 0:17:36.600 hundred percent certain that I had nothing to do with that. 0:17:37.560 --> 0:17:39.400 Well really, because it happened that day. 0:17:40.040 --> 0:17:41.360 Yeah, it is suggestive. 0:17:42.359 --> 0:17:45.960 Jonathan tells me that he had indeed tried calling Leafe's number. 0:17:46.280 --> 0:17:47.800 Okay, here's the call. 0:17:47.880 --> 0:17:48.760 You ready? Okay? 0:17:48.920 --> 0:17:55.960 Yeah, okay, Hello, is Leaf there? 0:17:57.240 --> 0:17:57.680 Yes? 0:17:58.520 --> 0:18:00.680 Could I speak to him? 0:18:00.760 --> 0:18:01.000 Yes? 0:18:01.240 --> 0:18:10.480 This is her, This is Lafe. Yes, I just want 0:18:10.480 --> 0:18:12.600 to make sure I have the right person. What is 0:18:12.640 --> 0:18:13.359 your middle name? 0:18:18.160 --> 0:18:18.680 Doodles? 0:18:19.920 --> 0:18:23.920 No, No, that isn't. That isn't the life that I'm 0:18:23.960 --> 0:18:24.480 looking for. 0:18:26.359 --> 0:18:27.840 I'm on a toilet right though. 0:18:30.320 --> 0:18:32.399 Okay, is there anybody else in the house? 0:18:40.840 --> 0:18:44.399 In his email, Lafe proposed let me talk in nine days, 0:18:45.119 --> 0:18:48.879 which is kind of a weirdly long time. I can't 0:18:48.880 --> 0:18:51.520 help but worry that he'll bail last minute. But this 0:18:51.560 --> 0:18:55.040 will be just like Valentine's Day all over again. So 0:18:55.080 --> 0:18:58.480 in the meantime, hoping she might remember some clue about 0:18:58.480 --> 0:19:01.920 what happened. Back then, I text my old friend Karina, 0:19:02.520 --> 0:19:05.040 the one who broke her this whole Valentine's plan with 0:19:05.119 --> 0:19:08.680 life on I am when you texted me that it 0:19:08.720 --> 0:19:09.120 was you. 0:19:09.560 --> 0:19:13.000 I was like, oh my gosh, like, did something. 0:19:12.800 --> 0:19:16.240 Happen she calling me to say that miss Bergen died, 0:19:17.240 --> 0:19:20.840 miss Bergen being our longtime principal, which. 0:19:20.600 --> 0:19:22.720 She did, by the way, he didn't I didn't hear that. 0:19:23.040 --> 0:19:31.760 Yeah, may she. I felt deranged, texting Karina that I 0:19:31.760 --> 0:19:34.720 wanted to speak with her about life a random kid 0:19:34.760 --> 0:19:39.119 from her eighth grade class. But Karina responded, I legitimately 0:19:39.160 --> 0:19:42.399 thought about you in life last week. So, just like 0:19:42.440 --> 0:19:44.959 we used to in junior high, the two of us 0:19:45.040 --> 0:19:48.280 chat on the phone about a boy and then he I, 0:19:48.320 --> 0:19:50.240 am you shut up? 0:19:50.320 --> 0:19:52.159 Did I send you the conversation? 0:19:52.400 --> 0:19:59.880 Yes? So then I and buried. In an old AOL account, 0:20:00.520 --> 0:20:03.760 I find that email from Karina with the whole conversation 0:20:04.080 --> 0:20:06.080 between her and Life laid out. 0:20:06.560 --> 0:20:08.520 I would like, absolutely love to see it. 0:20:08.640 --> 0:20:10.160 Let me send it to you. I will just life 0:20:10.240 --> 0:20:14.399 screen name was Chaotic Detortion, which I think is just 0:20:14.520 --> 0:20:16.359 chaotic distortion spelled wrong. 0:20:16.600 --> 0:20:19.439 Okay, let me read this okay at ten seventeen PM. 0:20:19.560 --> 0:20:24.160 Nice and as Karina reads, here for you, Dear listener 0:20:24.600 --> 0:20:27.919 is a dramatic recreation of that I Am exchange, with 0:20:28.040 --> 0:20:32.640 two young actors playing the roles of Karina and Life. 0:20:35.040 --> 0:20:40.080 Hey, Hey, Life, what's up? Kayley's talking about what I think? 0:20:40.119 --> 0:20:40.439 She is? 0:20:40.520 --> 0:20:47.480 Right on? Zanga, hold on? Let me see Kaylee likes me, right, 0:20:48.480 --> 0:20:52.520 Did Lucia and Emily tell you something? Yeah? After school 0:20:52.520 --> 0:20:57.040 the other day. Yeah, she does well. If she comes on, 0:20:57.440 --> 0:20:58.439 will you tell her something? 0:20:59.440 --> 0:21:00.400 Yeah? 0:21:00.840 --> 0:21:03.160 If she comes on, tell her that I'll go out 0:21:03.200 --> 0:21:03.520 with her. 0:21:03.880 --> 0:21:06.000 But my health is always screwed with my life, so 0:21:06.080 --> 0:21:07.560 I'm probably not going to be able to be one 0:21:07.640 --> 0:21:08.720 hundred percent boyfriend. 0:21:08.720 --> 0:21:14.400 Material Laife had some sort of illness the whole time 0:21:14.440 --> 0:21:16.720 I knew him, but I never knew how sick he 0:21:16.880 --> 0:21:20.400 was or what he was even sick with. He sometimes 0:21:20.400 --> 0:21:23.240 had to leave school early, he was on crutches for 0:21:23.280 --> 0:21:26.840 a while, and there were days when he just looked frail. 0:21:27.000 --> 0:21:30.200 But at thirteen, we didn't think to ask any questions. 0:21:31.080 --> 0:21:33.800 Back then, Karina just thought it was sweet he was 0:21:33.840 --> 0:21:37.200 considering his health in his role as my future boyfriend. 0:21:38.920 --> 0:21:43.560 All but do you like her? This is kind of awkward. 0:21:45.520 --> 0:21:52.920 Yeah, all these years later and that, yeah, I makes 0:21:53.000 --> 0:21:56.960 my heart start pounding. I was wrong, I think see 0:21:57.040 --> 0:22:01.040 I was wrong. He liked me, he said he liked me. 0:22:02.280 --> 0:22:07.120 But then it goes on. 0:22:05.480 --> 0:22:10.040 Ohmg, don't tell her. I'm not crazy about her, but hey, 0:22:10.480 --> 0:22:18.840 she likes me. I don't hate her or anything. And kaylee'school, 0:22:19.600 --> 0:22:20.280 Yeah she is. 0:22:21.280 --> 0:22:22.960 So you want me to tell her that you'll go 0:22:23.040 --> 0:22:23.480 out with her? 0:22:23.600 --> 0:22:25.080 Why don't you just talk to her on Monday? 0:22:26.000 --> 0:22:26.879 Do you think I should? 0:22:27.440 --> 0:22:27.680 Yeah? 0:22:27.720 --> 0:22:29.560 Because I mean I don't think she would believe me, 0:22:30.320 --> 0:22:31.840 and it would be nicer if you told her. 0:22:32.520 --> 0:22:33.920 Are you getting her something on V Day? 0:22:34.800 --> 0:22:37.480 I guess when is Valentine's Day? 0:22:38.200 --> 0:22:38.480 Next? 0:22:38.560 --> 0:22:39.240 Next Tuesday? 0:22:40.320 --> 0:22:43.080 Ohmg, you should tell her on V Day because she 0:22:43.119 --> 0:22:43.760 hates V Day? 0:22:44.760 --> 0:22:46.880 WHOA, yeah, oh will. 0:22:48.320 --> 0:22:50.240 I always thought it was Lafe who came up with 0:22:50.280 --> 0:22:54.639 the Valentine's Day plan, but it was actually Karina. It 0:22:54.680 --> 0:22:58.080 wasn't a romantic gesture at all. It was the gesture 0:22:58.240 --> 0:23:02.359 of a thoughtful friend. But I don't remember anything after that. 0:23:02.440 --> 0:23:03.880 I didn't even remember that. 0:23:04.480 --> 0:23:08.520 He didn't end up saying anything, like he didn't end 0:23:08.560 --> 0:23:09.439 up saying anything to you. 0:23:09.520 --> 0:23:11.840 At all, No, we never talked about it. 0:23:13.720 --> 0:23:15.600 No, Kaylee, he did. 0:23:16.560 --> 0:23:21.919 I'm pretty sure he mentioned his health again. 0:23:23.560 --> 0:23:25.119 Maybe I like followed. 0:23:24.840 --> 0:23:27.399 Up and he was like, honestly, my health just like 0:23:27.480 --> 0:23:28.600 really isn't the best. 0:23:29.720 --> 0:23:32.320 So did life not ask me out simply because he 0:23:32.440 --> 0:23:36.840 was too ill? Was his not asking actually a romantic gesture, 0:23:37.320 --> 0:23:41.119 something worthy of a Shakespearean tragedy, or did he just 0:23:41.160 --> 0:23:49.360 not like me? I'd asked slave to talk on zoom 0:23:49.760 --> 0:23:51.600 and I pray I won't break out or have a 0:23:51.640 --> 0:23:54.600 bad hair day, because you know, I want to look good. 0:23:55.640 --> 0:23:58.520 The morning of I put on an eyeshadow that someone 0:23:58.560 --> 0:24:01.399 once told me was flattering, and wear a T shirt 0:24:01.400 --> 0:24:04.239 for my favorite band because I figure it's cool to 0:24:04.320 --> 0:24:08.280 like music. Then I head to the studio and test 0:24:08.320 --> 0:24:16.359 the microphone. Hello hello, all right, that's working. I feel ill. 0:24:17.160 --> 0:24:24.640 I feel physically ill. Oh my god, Okay, I can 0:24:24.680 --> 0:24:41.840 do this. Here we go on the zoom camera. You 0:24:41.880 --> 0:24:44.760 can't even see my T shirt or flattering eyeshadow. So 0:24:45.040 --> 0:24:47.639 that was a lot of wasted effort. I see that 0:24:47.720 --> 0:24:50.520 Leife is in the waiting room. I press the admit 0:24:50.600 --> 0:24:52.760 button and he appears on screen. 0:24:53.840 --> 0:24:54.040 Hi. 0:24:55.520 --> 0:24:55.760 Hey. 0:24:57.400 --> 0:25:00.919 In spite of his deeper voice and tattoos. Life seems 0:25:00.920 --> 0:25:05.040 the same, like there's no discrepancy between the person I 0:25:05.040 --> 0:25:08.280 imagined all these years and the one I'm actually looking at. 0:25:09.880 --> 0:25:10.480 How are you. 0:25:11.840 --> 0:25:14.520 I'm great, I'm doing great. How are you doing? 0:25:14.640 --> 0:25:20.000 I'm doing you know. Unfortunately, faced with the person I imagined 0:25:19.920 --> 0:25:22.679 all these years, I suddenly can't remember how to have 0:25:22.720 --> 0:25:30.760 a conversation. It's like I've lost twenty years of social skills. 0:25:30.320 --> 0:25:33.760 What what's your life? 0:25:35.000 --> 0:25:35.600 My life? 0:25:35.920 --> 0:25:40.800 Well, I yeah, I don't know. I just do uh 0:25:41.520 --> 0:25:45.159 life things. You know, eat food, go to the grocery store. 0:25:45.240 --> 0:25:48.720 I've got a dog. You know, what's your dog? 0:25:48.960 --> 0:25:49.080 Like? 0:25:49.840 --> 0:25:57.320 What's your dog's name? Ronan good. Given that I'm incapable 0:25:57.440 --> 0:26:01.159 of asking any question more specific than what is your life? 0:26:01.320 --> 0:26:04.240 Or who is your dog? Life takes the lead. 0:26:04.680 --> 0:26:07.800 They've been doing like a lot of activisty stuff in Tucson, 0:26:08.240 --> 0:26:12.959 and that consumes more of my time than I probably 0:26:13.000 --> 0:26:13.679 should let it. 0:26:14.520 --> 0:26:17.639 In fact, the nine day delay Laye asked for was 0:26:17.680 --> 0:26:21.359 because of his activism. A few weeks earlier, he was 0:26:21.400 --> 0:26:24.680 at a protest with the Stop Coop City movement when 0:26:24.720 --> 0:26:27.240 he was tased and slammed against the ground by a 0:26:27.280 --> 0:26:32.840 police officer, he's been recovering from a concussion. At this point, 0:26:33.040 --> 0:26:36.640 we're forty minutes into the conversation, and I've somehow managed 0:26:36.720 --> 0:26:40.120 to avoid asking Laife any questions about eighth grade at all, 0:26:41.080 --> 0:26:43.040 even though he knows we're here to talk about how 0:26:43.080 --> 0:26:46.080 much I liked him. Bringing up that time still makes 0:26:46.119 --> 0:26:51.520 me nervous. What what do you remember about me? 0:26:52.560 --> 0:26:57.000 Yeah? I uh, I remember you being very tall and 0:26:57.680 --> 0:27:00.560 maybe a little awkward, but maybe it's because of the 0:27:00.560 --> 0:27:01.320 crush or whatever. 0:27:01.359 --> 0:27:02.320 No, I was awkward. 0:27:02.520 --> 0:27:06.600 Yeah, yeah, Like I know that you told me at 0:27:06.640 --> 0:27:08.520 some point that you had a crush on me. I 0:27:08.560 --> 0:27:11.240 have like a vague memory of like there's like that 0:27:11.480 --> 0:27:15.879 stairwell Lucia telling me or something like that, like in 0:27:15.880 --> 0:27:16.480 the stairwell. 0:27:16.640 --> 0:27:20.280 Yeah. I ramble through my memories of what happened after 0:27:20.320 --> 0:27:25.000 that stairwell moment, and finally up to the question that 0:27:25.080 --> 0:27:27.720 I really came here to ask you were going to 0:27:27.800 --> 0:27:31.320 ask me out on Valentine's Day, but then that never 0:27:31.480 --> 0:27:34.240 happened and I don't know why. 0:27:35.720 --> 0:27:42.920 Oof, I'm sorry, Yeah, I don't remember. Like the Zanga 0:27:43.040 --> 0:27:45.360 post sounds vaguely familiar. 0:27:46.400 --> 0:27:48.840 Can I send you because I, in fact have these 0:27:48.880 --> 0:27:52.399 ims between you and Karina? No way can I email 0:27:52.440 --> 0:27:53.840 them to you? Yeah? 0:27:54.520 --> 0:27:57.560 See what cringeyesque things I have to say? 0:27:58.960 --> 0:28:02.679 Leife mostly read through the ims and silence, but at 0:28:02.680 --> 0:28:07.280 one point he makes a face and again goes when 0:28:07.320 --> 0:28:09.520 he's done, he laughed self consciously. 0:28:11.640 --> 0:28:15.320 All right, Well that was that was That was fun? 0:28:15.960 --> 0:28:17.359 Do you you have no memory of this? 0:28:18.440 --> 0:28:23.320 I don't know. Vaguely. I guess like it's obviously obviously 0:28:23.359 --> 0:28:23.880 it happened. 0:28:23.960 --> 0:28:26.159 I mean, you would be weird if I typed all this, supen. 0:28:26.840 --> 0:28:28.800 Yeah, yeah, it'd be pretty weird. 0:28:29.480 --> 0:28:31.040 What part were you oofing? 0:28:31.160 --> 0:28:31.200 And? 0:28:32.720 --> 0:28:32.920 Oh? 0:28:33.240 --> 0:28:36.520 Just I mean, don't tell her. I'm not crazy about her, 0:28:36.600 --> 0:28:39.240 but hey, she likes it was just like that. 0:28:40.160 --> 0:28:40.720 Yikes. 0:28:46.360 --> 0:28:49.680 I don't really know what happened. Obviously we didn't date. 0:28:50.040 --> 0:28:53.120 I don't I don't think totally forgotten. 0:28:54.160 --> 0:28:55.960 I mean that would kind of be worse if we did. 0:28:56.080 --> 0:28:58.440 Dan was gone from your memory. 0:28:58.840 --> 0:28:59.960 Yeah, that'd be real shitty. 0:29:00.200 --> 0:29:03.200 Yeah, I mean like seems like you did not like me. 0:29:04.440 --> 0:29:10.280 I do remember you being like very funny, but uh yeah, 0:29:10.480 --> 0:29:13.120 I do agree, though I think I like wasn't like 0:29:13.720 --> 0:29:14.880 into you into. 0:29:14.600 --> 0:29:23.960 You to use the eighth grade parlance, but then Lafe 0:29:24.000 --> 0:29:27.120 phrase is a key thing I've been wondering about the 0:29:27.240 --> 0:29:30.440 explanation that he gave to Karina At the time his 0:29:30.560 --> 0:29:31.960 mysterious health issues. 0:29:32.640 --> 0:29:36.360 I was like, very, very, very sick. I was like 0:29:36.520 --> 0:29:40.200 in the process essentially of getting diagnosed with Crohn's disease. 0:29:41.200 --> 0:29:45.960 Crones is an autoimmune disease. Life's intestine was attacking itself, 0:29:46.400 --> 0:29:48.840 making it hard for him to do basic things like 0:29:49.000 --> 0:29:52.200 walk or eat. In the years I knew him, though 0:29:52.680 --> 0:29:55.360 Laife didn't know he had CRONES. He didn't know what 0:29:55.440 --> 0:29:58.600 was wrong with him. He was just getting worse and worse. 0:29:59.680 --> 0:30:03.400 It took over two years of waiting rooms and misdiagnoses 0:30:03.640 --> 0:30:06.680 before he finally got to a doctor who helped him. 0:30:07.000 --> 0:30:09.920 At that point, he was so sick that the doctor 0:30:09.960 --> 0:30:12.640 pulled his mom aside to say that she thought Laife 0:30:12.800 --> 0:30:17.320 might die. They immediately admitted him to the hospital, where 0:30:17.320 --> 0:30:25.560 he stayed for three months. I'm not a monster, so 0:30:25.800 --> 0:30:28.520 of course I'd never say that I'm happy someone was 0:30:28.560 --> 0:30:32.480 so ill they almost died. But hearing all this, I 0:30:32.520 --> 0:30:35.640 can't help but feel kind of relieved, because if Life 0:30:35.720 --> 0:30:38.120 was that sick the whole time I knew him, then 0:30:38.160 --> 0:30:41.280 it wasn't about me not being good enough. There probably 0:30:41.320 --> 0:30:43.800 just wasn't any space in his brain for dating and 0:30:43.880 --> 0:30:49.320 crushes at all. So I put this to Liife. 0:30:48.280 --> 0:30:50.080 I for sure had crushes. 0:30:51.120 --> 0:30:54.040 Well, there goes that theory. Can I ask you how 0:30:54.080 --> 0:30:54.640 to crush on? 0:30:56.120 --> 0:30:59.800 Yeah? Yeah, I know I had a crush on, So 0:31:01.240 --> 0:31:02.200 I was gonna. 0:31:01.920 --> 0:31:05.120 Ask you that. Actually, that's what I always suspected. 0:31:05.520 --> 0:31:06.640 You got me figured out. 0:31:07.480 --> 0:31:10.440 Circa had shown up at our school one year from Ireland, 0:31:10.760 --> 0:31:14.120 and all the guys instantly loved her. Somehow, in that 0:31:14.160 --> 0:31:18.160 one year she dated three or four people. I, as 0:31:18.160 --> 0:31:22.360 someone who'd never dated anyone, found this profoundly unfair, Like 0:31:22.680 --> 0:31:26.320 what about the rest of us? In my moments of insecurity, 0:31:26.760 --> 0:31:29.719 I always used to think, there's no way Life likes me, 0:31:30.160 --> 0:31:33.600 because I'm pretty sure he likes Circa. So while on 0:31:33.640 --> 0:31:36.400 the one hand, it's validating to hear that my read 0:31:36.560 --> 0:31:40.160 was right, on the other hand, it's devastating to hear 0:31:40.280 --> 0:31:42.960 that my read was right. I move on to my 0:31:43.040 --> 0:31:45.959 next theory. Do you think that any of it was 0:31:46.120 --> 0:31:47.400 height related? 0:31:48.880 --> 0:31:51.120 Uh? 0:31:51.520 --> 0:31:55.640 I don't think so. I don't think so. 0:31:55.640 --> 0:31:58.760 So what was my problem? I ask Laife? If I 0:31:58.800 --> 0:32:02.120 had some defect that prevented him from seeing me romantically, 0:32:02.880 --> 0:32:08.920 and although he really thinks about it, he can't come 0:32:09.000 --> 0:32:09.920 up with an answer. 0:32:10.400 --> 0:32:12.760 I'm just trying to think if like, there has ever 0:32:12.840 --> 0:32:15.640 been anyone where I like, I'd love to date this person, 0:32:15.680 --> 0:32:17.200 but they've got this defect, you know. 0:32:18.120 --> 0:32:21.760 Who he falls for. Life says has always felt beyond words, 0:32:22.600 --> 0:32:30.960 especially in the eighth grade. Well, how do you feel 0:32:31.000 --> 0:32:34.320 about talking? Am I freaking you out? No? 0:32:34.400 --> 0:32:37.959 Not at all. Okay, it's fun to catch up and like, 0:32:38.240 --> 0:32:41.760 hear what you remember? It's really nice to talk to Yeah, 0:32:41.880 --> 0:32:44.160 you too, killy, and talk to you soon, all right, 0:32:44.280 --> 0:32:45.000 talk to you soon. 0:32:51.160 --> 0:32:53.560 I'd felt good while I was talking to Life. He 0:32:53.720 --> 0:32:57.280 was cool and nice as he'd always been, And yet 0:32:57.680 --> 0:33:00.880 as soon as we hang up, I suddenly feel really sad. 0:33:01.960 --> 0:33:04.720 I sit there for a while alone in the studio, 0:33:05.680 --> 0:33:09.920 and then, as I always have in times of stress, Hello, honey, 0:33:10.760 --> 0:33:14.160 I call my mom. I filler in on the conversation 0:33:14.800 --> 0:33:18.280 and how the only logical conclusion seems to be that yes, 0:33:18.480 --> 0:33:21.480 I was right, I am, in fact undateable. 0:33:21.960 --> 0:33:24.000 Who wouldn't want to date you? You're awesome? 0:33:24.640 --> 0:33:28.520 Thanks, and I mean I know I'm your mother. But 0:33:28.640 --> 0:33:32.160 that is also true. I feel like that's true in 0:33:32.240 --> 0:33:34.800 terms of like people wanting to like be my friend, 0:33:35.000 --> 0:33:37.640 but I don't feel like that's true for like dating. 0:33:39.040 --> 0:33:41.560 You feel it not just from when you were younger, but. 0:33:41.560 --> 0:33:48.400 You feel it even now. Yeah, that makes me feel. 0:33:48.200 --> 0:33:48.840 Kind of sad. 0:33:49.680 --> 0:33:54.360 I'm sorry, don't be sorry. 0:33:55.120 --> 0:33:56.880 It makes me feel kind of sad, and it makes 0:33:56.880 --> 0:33:57.720 me feel. 0:33:57.440 --> 0:34:00.680 Mad at people that don't see you. 0:34:07.840 --> 0:34:09.600 I don't. Yeah, I think I'm having a hard time 0:34:09.680 --> 0:34:12.440 characterizing it because I do feel like weirdly emotional, but 0:34:12.520 --> 0:34:15.399 also like he was nice and the conversation was good, 0:34:15.440 --> 0:34:16.880 you know, So I don't want it to seem like 0:34:16.920 --> 0:34:19.120 I thought he was like being an asshole or anything 0:34:19.200 --> 0:34:22.239 like he wasn't. I don't hear that from you at all. 0:34:22.320 --> 0:34:26.880 I don't care anything about any judgment about him. Yeah. 0:34:27.440 --> 0:34:31.879 You trying to piece it together for you? Yeah, yeah, 0:34:32.080 --> 0:34:41.200 give yourself a little space. I give myself several weeks 0:34:41.200 --> 0:34:44.479 of space. And then as I keep trying to piece 0:34:44.520 --> 0:34:47.799 it together, I decide there's one more person I want 0:34:47.840 --> 0:34:50.640 to speak with. Very excited to talk to you. So 0:34:50.680 --> 0:34:52.920 thanks for being up to do this weird thing. 0:34:53.520 --> 0:34:56.760 Yeah, no, it is weird, and I definitely feel weird 0:34:56.800 --> 0:34:57.319 about it. 0:34:58.320 --> 0:35:02.279 This is Circa, the Irish girl that Lafe and the 0:35:02.320 --> 0:35:06.520 rest of the entire fucking class was into. Because in 0:35:06.560 --> 0:35:08.840 case it's not weird enough to reach out to my 0:35:08.960 --> 0:35:12.479 crush after nearly twenty years, why not also reach out 0:35:12.640 --> 0:35:15.319 to my crushes crush. I always suspected he had a 0:35:15.320 --> 0:35:17.719 crush on you, and he said, yes, did you know. 0:35:17.680 --> 0:35:23.879 That M like Jesus, Like he would like he would 0:35:23.920 --> 0:35:25.800 like burn CDs for me and stuff. 0:35:26.680 --> 0:35:28.360 She knows I feel like. 0:35:28.400 --> 0:35:32.920 He also gave me a sticker that said George W. 0:35:33.040 --> 0:35:34.919 Bush is a punk ass chump, So. 0:35:34.960 --> 0:35:37.440 Like, yeah, I had an awareness. 0:35:37.960 --> 0:35:40.200 I want to talk to Circa because I think of 0:35:40.239 --> 0:35:44.279 her as the anti me. Like, here's how Circa's Valentine's 0:35:44.360 --> 0:35:47.120 Day went in junior high. She walked up to her 0:35:47.120 --> 0:35:50.080 boyfriend at the time holding a Hershy's kiss and said, 0:35:50.520 --> 0:35:52.560 do you want this or do you want a real one? 0:35:53.600 --> 0:35:56.920 I wanted to tell me how she achieved such romantic success, 0:35:57.320 --> 0:36:00.439 what she had that I didn't have. I had laid 0:36:00.440 --> 0:36:02.600 all this out and my initial message to her. 0:36:03.200 --> 0:36:05.520 So I said this to my husband and he was 0:36:05.600 --> 0:36:07.759 kind of like, well, it's obvious isn't it like you 0:36:07.800 --> 0:36:10.879 were just new and different? And I think that's exactly it. 0:36:11.080 --> 0:36:13.799 Like you guys had all been together from the age 0:36:13.840 --> 0:36:18.600 of two. Do you know, so I literally was just 0:36:18.680 --> 0:36:21.160 new and different. I honestly think it was that simple. 0:36:21.520 --> 0:36:23.440 I think that's part of it. But I feel like 0:36:23.480 --> 0:36:26.919 there was something about your personality too, Like I feel 0:36:26.960 --> 0:36:31.000 like there was some like charisma or like confidence or 0:36:31.200 --> 0:36:33.120 I don't know, I feel like I think. 0:36:32.960 --> 0:36:35.680 That that has got to be fakeatily make it though, 0:36:35.719 --> 0:36:39.560 doesn't it Because looking back and looking at the challenge 0:36:39.560 --> 0:36:43.120 that was laid at my doorstep, I probably just leant 0:36:43.160 --> 0:36:46.440 into some kind of confident persona. 0:36:47.520 --> 0:36:50.960 Sarah only attended Near North for a single year, and 0:36:51.000 --> 0:36:54.720 it wasn't an easy transition because of her mom's job. 0:36:55.040 --> 0:36:58.200 She was upbraided at twelve years old and plopped down 0:36:58.280 --> 0:37:01.760 in a foreign country. Her dad all her old friends 0:37:02.160 --> 0:37:05.440 stayed back in Ireland. She remembers the day she came 0:37:05.480 --> 0:37:07.440 to visit our school for the first time. 0:37:07.560 --> 0:37:09.719 And I remember crying and I remember saying I don't 0:37:09.719 --> 0:37:15.120 want to go there. My memory isn't a feeling invincible 0:37:15.200 --> 0:37:17.680 or anything like quite the opposite. 0:37:17.440 --> 0:37:19.839 Like like. 0:37:21.360 --> 0:37:25.800 Overwhelmed and shut down, you know. It's that sense of panic, 0:37:25.920 --> 0:37:28.880 Sirka thinks that made her act so confident when she 0:37:28.920 --> 0:37:33.560 started school with us. It was her way of managing Still, 0:37:33.680 --> 0:37:36.279 in the year I knew her, she often felt insecure, 0:37:36.920 --> 0:37:40.680 and dating didn't make that feeling go away anyway you 0:37:40.719 --> 0:37:53.120 cut it. Boyfriend, No boyfriend? Junior high is hard, Sarka 0:37:53.239 --> 0:37:55.239 tells me she's been married for about a year and 0:37:55.280 --> 0:37:58.920 a half. Now, how did you guys meet? We went 0:37:58.960 --> 0:38:02.080 on tyin day. I'd ask s Life the same question 0:38:02.520 --> 0:38:03.800 about how he met his. 0:38:03.719 --> 0:38:08.240 Partner, Actually through Tinder. We are a tender success story. 0:38:08.360 --> 0:38:12.400 I met my boyfriend through Tender too nice. Serka Life 0:38:12.600 --> 0:38:15.319 me even though I always felt like they had some 0:38:15.480 --> 0:38:19.319 power I lacked. Almost two decades later, we all ended 0:38:19.400 --> 0:38:22.680 up in the same place, living with people we met 0:38:22.719 --> 0:38:32.280 on Tinder. Back when I talked with my friend Karina, 0:38:32.760 --> 0:38:34.600 I'd asked her what her impression had been to me 0:38:35.000 --> 0:38:36.760 when we knew each other in junior high. 0:38:37.520 --> 0:38:40.480 Oh my gosh, Kayleie, I adored you. 0:38:40.880 --> 0:38:46.120 I remember you being very intelligent, you were very funny. 0:38:46.960 --> 0:38:50.719 I know you like you were you were tall, just 0:38:50.920 --> 0:38:53.120 you know at that age, I feel like you always 0:38:53.160 --> 0:38:56.200 look at everyone else and like, don't form your confidence 0:38:56.320 --> 0:38:59.600 or like embrace every bit of yourself until later in life, 0:38:59.680 --> 0:39:03.439 and I remember being like, she has so many things 0:39:03.480 --> 0:39:04.759 going for her, like I. 0:39:06.360 --> 0:39:06.960 Hope that she. 0:39:08.400 --> 0:39:13.880 Becomes more confident. My past self was tall and awkward, 0:39:14.239 --> 0:39:17.319 and the boy I liked didn't like me. And all 0:39:17.360 --> 0:39:21.319 these years later, I'm still tall and still awkward, and 0:39:21.360 --> 0:39:26.320 I still often feel left behind by romance. But then again, 0:39:26.840 --> 0:39:29.240 the junior high me would never have had the courage 0:39:29.280 --> 0:39:33.200 to have these conversations at all. So maybe I did 0:39:33.239 --> 0:39:36.759 become more confident, and some people do want to date me. 0:39:37.719 --> 0:39:43.160 I'd want to date me. These days, I don't think 0:39:43.200 --> 0:39:46.520 too much about Valentine's Day. It turns out that I 0:39:46.520 --> 0:39:50.040 don't like being one of those performative couples anymore than 0:39:50.080 --> 0:39:55.520 I liked watching those performative couples. This year, on February fourteenth, 0:39:55.920 --> 0:40:00.400 my boyfriend made dinner. I did the dishes. Happy to Tuesday, 0:40:00.400 --> 0:40:05.480 he said, Happy Tuesday, I said. Then we watched TV. 0:40:06.600 --> 0:40:59.440 It was nice. 0:40:39.160 --> 0:40:48.680 Now that the fernitures returning to its goodwill home, now 0:40:48.760 --> 0:40:50.080 that the last. 0:40:49.920 --> 0:40:54.959 Month's rent is skiming with the damage to pot take 0:40:55.040 --> 0:41:08.880 this moment to deserve if We met Lee Too, Thanks 0:41:09.000 --> 0:41:13.000 Edacidan Lee. 0:41:15.280 --> 0:41:18.280 This episode of Heavyweight was produced by me Khalila Holt 0:41:18.320 --> 0:41:22.640 along with Jonathan Goldstein and Phoebe Flanagan. Our supervising producer 0:41:22.719 --> 0:41:26.920 is Stevie Lane. Production assistants from Mohiney mcgauker. Special thanks 0:41:26.920 --> 0:41:30.920 to Max Green, Flora Lichtman, and Connor Sampson. Editorial guidance 0:41:30.920 --> 0:41:34.479 from Emily Condon. In the im recreation, Karina was played 0:41:34.480 --> 0:41:37.200 by Reagan Dedeer and Laife was played by John Clawson. 0:41:37.640 --> 0:41:40.480 Thanks to Greg Holt and Tony John for making that possible. 0:41:40.880 --> 0:41:44.120 Bobby Lord mixed the episode with original music by Christine Fellows, 0:41:44.200 --> 0:41:47.640 John K. Sampson, Blue Dot Sessions, and Bobby Lord. Additional 0:41:47.719 --> 0:41:50.399 music credits can be found on our website gilimedia dot 0:41:50.400 --> 0:41:53.160 com slash Heavyweight. Our theme song is by The Weaker 0:41:53.200 --> 0:41:57.520 Dance courtesy of Epitaph Records. Heavyweight is a Spotify original podcast. 0:41:57.640 --> 0:42:01.200 Follow us on Twitter at Heavyweight, on Instagram at Heavyweight Podcast, 0:42:01.400 --> 0:42:04.600 or email us at Heavyweight At gimlimedia dot com. You 0:42:04.640 --> 0:42:07.040 can follow our show on Spotify and tap the belt 0:42:07.040 --> 0:42:10.520 to receive notifications when new episodes drop. We'll be back 0:42:10.600 --> 0:42:12.320 next week with a new episode