64. Tis the season to feel lonely

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Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to another episode. New listeners, old listeners. It's so great to have you here, so great to have you back for our first ever holiday special. I know it's a little bit late. I'm sorry, but I hope that we can perhaps or still have a moment of reflection and maybe it's able to help some of us who are feeling particularly lonely during this period during the holiday period. First of all, before we jump into this discussion around loneliness, I just want to say happy holidays, Happy New Year to all who are celebrating. Before we jump into the psychology, I just want to thank everyone for their support this year. It's been absolutely crazy, Like I have no way of even describing how overwhelmed and grateful I am. It's just insane to me how much this show has grown in twelve months. I remember this time last year, I felt so little motivation to continue making episodes. I just felt really burnt out. I felt like you know no one really cared, but I'm so glad I continued to do it. I'm so glad that I pushed through because now I just feel yeah, so grateful, and I just thank you, thank you a million times over. Thank you for sharing, thank you for listening, thank you for supporting the show. I just cannot say it enough times. It's really been the absolute highlight of this year. Okay, now we're going to do a bit of a segue. It's not going to be a segue. We're just going to jump right into what I want to talk about. And what I really want to talk about today is loneliness. I know, a bit of a crash, a bit of a plummet from all the gratitude and love, but I honestly think it's such an important topic to discuss at all times of the year, but particularly loneliness around the holidays and that unique kind of disconnection and isolation we tend to feel around the holiday season. And the reason I wanted to do this was because, A I can imagine this is a really common experience for many of us, and be from a personal experience. I've been hanging out with my family. I'm back at my family home for the holidays, and there is always this really strange feeling I get, especially between Christmas and New Year's, when I feel like, overwhelmingly this sense of isolation and solitude for no apparent reason. You know, I'm surrounded by my family, as I'm sure many of us and many of the listeners are, yet there is this weird empty space that feels so prominent and hard to ignore. I honestly, this time of the year, I feel more alone than ever. I'm suddenly thinking back on every relationship I've ever had and feeling this urge to reach out to all my friends to ward off this really inexplicable loneliness. And I swear this happens to me every year around the holiday. It's like clockwork, and I have a suspicion I'm not alone, and even if I am, well, I kind of needed to understand the reason behind this, just for myself, because it's been puzzling me for literally years, you know, the happiest time of the year and I've never felt more alone. So I wanted to break down some of the explanations and psychology behind why the holiday season can feel so lonely at times, especially for those of us who may be spending this season away from family, if you've had a particularly hard year, maybe you're grieving a loved one or missing someone in particular, been through a breakup, or you could just be feeling lonely for no reason at all, and that is just as valid and it's something we'll discussed more. I think it's important as always to normalize not feeling normal and happy all the time, and that's especially pertinent for this time of the year, when there is a huge expectation I think, to feel joyous and extroverted and happy and grateful, and sometimes it's really hard to feel that way even during a normal period or a normal month where the expectations aren't as high and the point of comparison is less prominent than it is at Christmas, and it is during the holiday. So let's dissect the loneliness we often feel during the holiday season and provide I had some explanation for why you might be feeling this way, So buckle in for our holiday episode for the year. I can imagine that many of us are feeling quite lonely, maybe a bit off, a bit strange at this time of the year. Maybe not, Maybe it's just me, but I'm fairly sure this is a pretty common experience just from speaking to friends and to other people around me. And I've read this article whilst I was kind of researching this episode that the holiday season and holiday loneliness is a lot more common than we think, and not just for those who find themselves physically alone as well. Feeling a bit down this time of the year is actually incredibly normal and should probably be spoken about more. And it happens for many reasons that we're going to discuss in a moment, but before then, and let's do a quick refresher on the anatomy, some of the background information and the things that we ought to know about loneliness. Loneliness, I think is an incredibly personal concept and an incredibly personal idea. Each person's idea of what loneliness is, the reactions that it creates, the triggers, the reasons behind why we feel lonely is going to be completely different. And of course there are some pretty typical ones social isolation, maybe you've moved cities, maybe you're separated from your loved ones. That are quite common. But once again, loneliness is so subjective and what might make one person feel really lonely, and really alone is not the same as what it might be for someone else. I think there's also a key distinction between being alone physically and socially and the actual idea of loneliness. They're completely different concepts. I think someone can be physically alone and you can feel completely content, you don't feel any sadness, no pangs of loneliness, no need to reach out. And then there's someone who is physically alone who might feel incredibly lonely. But it's also entirely possible to be experiencing loneliness whilst being surrounded by friends and family. I think typically how we see loneliness is the absence of other people around us, but that's not always the case. There is this massive distinction that loneliness is very much a mental and a cognitive function that isn't always tied to what's in our physical environment and how many people we're seeing and the people in our lives. You can feel lonely in a massive, crowded room, you can feel lonely when you are surrounded by the people that you love the most. Because it is a cognitive thought, a cognitive reaction to something more internal than external I think it's also important to state our thresholds. Our individual thresholds for loneliness are also very much subjective and based on our own personal needs for connection and with that social interaction as well. I know people in my life who don't need a lot of social interaction at all. They can see someone like once a week and that's all they need to feel happy and content and healthy. And then there's others such as myself, who you know, I constantly need to be in contact with friends or family all the time, and even then I still feel alone sometimes even when I've seen people you know, earlier that day, or even now when I'm home with my family. It's this weird, inexplicable sensation of having people around you and yet not feeling as connected as you hoped. And loneliness can happen whenever whatever's happening, whatever's happening around you, and even if you aren't feeling particularly socially isolated, and it does also have a pretty powerful mental impact on our health. I think I did a whole episode about this and so common in our twenties, right, we're trying to find our feet, We're trying to discover what our relationships mean to us and the people around us, and we're shifting jobs, we're shifting from school and to work, and moving out of home and losing friends and breaking up with our partners for the first time. It is, I think, a defining mechanism, a defining experience of this decade of our twenties. It's interesting, though, because a lot of the research that you will find on loneliness if you go digging for it, if you go looking for it, it centers a lot on older adults, on people who are elderly or living in nursing homes, despite the fact that I think you can feel lonely at any age, and our twenties are also a pretty defining decade, i'd say, for this feeling and for this experience when you feel socially isolated. Studies have shown that loneliness and the loneliness that you feel can be as painful and as impactful as if you were in physical pain or experiencing some form of physical trauma. I'm pretty sure we've all experienced this. You know, that tightness in our chest, that kind of coldish sting of feeling alone, and that feeling that activates the same neurological pathways, the same parts of our brain that respond to physical pain, and of course it has an evolutionary explanation. Right We are tribal social creatures, were pack animals, and our survival in the past was dependent on being surrounded by others. You know, we could not go at the wilderness, go out life by ourselves. We needed safety insecurity in numbers so that people could help build shelters whilst others help to collect food and water and raise the children and provide security and protection from whatever was out there. So instinctually and naturally nowadays, those parts of our brains, of course still exist, and they're still going to react in the same way. When we feel that we aren't surrounded by the people that we would like to be, or when we feel alone, we're going to have that same instinctual reaction of like, oh my god, my survival is at risk. I need to find people to be around. I need to make my way back into the pack and back into the tribe in order to feel that safety and security. That's an explanation for why loneliness can hurt so much. Search is also shown that people who enjoy and have and cultivate strong social ties, they actually tend to live longer. On average, it was four years longer, and they also protect our social relationships also protect against cognitive decline and mental deterioration because those parts of our brains that are activated when we socialize, when we interact, when we connect with someone else, when we can offer them empathy and share a really nice conversation, those parts of our brain are really important for our functioning and other areas of life. It's also interesting they did this study on more than I think like three thousand participants, and it showed that people who were lonely, especially when they were older, had a higher rate of dementia as well, which just proves that being properly socially connected, whatever that means for you, is so valuable. I will also say that certain studies and research they do suggest that loneliness every now and again may be a beneficial thing when it's in small doses. A bit of solitude is actually quite beneficial because it can allow us to prioritize and focus on the relationships that do matter to us by recognizing, I guess whose absence is most profound, and hopefully giving that relationship more attention. A healthy dose of being alone as well, I think is really beneficial for being able to focus inward without distractions, without people around us, without their opinions, and in those moments where we aren't being called one way or another by the people around us, when we don't feel the need to constantly be talking to people or keeping up our social relationships, we can really uncover some of the issues that we've potentially been ignoring or even suppressing. And the time we end up spending alone with ourselves, I believe is some of the most valuable because we can honestly reflect, look inward, be frustrated with ourselves, be annoyed, but also be incredibly candid about what we want and who we would like to be. That being said, there is a time and a place for these experiences and the deep contemplation that's often brought forth by loneliness and the holidays. It's not always a pleasant experience, right, and it's not always the best time of the year when we are surrounded by joy and there is this expectation of seeing our families feeling lonely, that period of solitude, it's perhaps not the greatest time to be having that feeling back to kind of that loneliness during the holidays conundrum, that real focus of what we're talking about today. There are so many factors that can contribute to this feeling during this time of the year. I honestly I was trying to list some I was thinking them through all day to day, trying to put my finger on it, and I don't actually think we can even start to cover them all in this episode. But the primary ones I think are important to discuss are, of course, firstly, our family relationships, good or bad. Even the most perfect family dynamics, the most perfect family can be overwhelming after a while, especially if you're not used to having this kind of exposure, or you're used to having an element of independence, and you know you might live elsewhere and you're coming back for the holidays and Christmas. Is this like rapid and intense exposure to family and the family dynamics, the history, the chaos, sometimes even the drama, and that can be not only quite exhausting but also kind of like frustrating and yeah, really intense when you're used to the support of a family from a distance, and that exposure, that closeness doesn't always have the desired effect, and it can actually make us feel even more disconnected because we're sitting amongst our family members where exposed to them in this like really heightened intense environment, and we can just feel incredibly exhausted and we really just want to shut down. We're not actually quite We're not actually used to this. It can be so overwhelming. Then, of course, there are those of us who may have a strained or even non existent relationship with our family, and this period can be especially difficult and almost beckon in a lot of loneliness and sadness for very obvious reasons. So I think if that is you and you relate to that, I'm sending you so much love. There really is no explanation I think that I can provide for this experience. And I hate when people say things like, oh it makes you stronger, or things happen for a reason. Just know that there are people who love you, and I'm sending you strength for what I'm sure can be a really tough time. I think even if we do have a relationship with our family for the holidays and we are able to go and see them during this time, sometimes that can also be really strained or we feel like there are elements of ourselves that we can't be completely honest about, or elements of ourselves which aren't going to receive the full respect that we really deserve, especially when it comes to our families. Christmas, the holidays, whatever you celebrate, if it means exposure to family, it can sometimes mean it can dealing those elements and characteristics and as a result, feeling a lot less like ourselves and therefore more disconnected. And I think a final element that comes into this is if we're grieving someone, If this is your first Christmas without someone really important to you, I know this time can be particularly challenging, especially with that narrative and that emphasis on family and being surrounded by your loved ones this time of the year is particularly hard. We feel this pressure to bring our loved ones close and to spend time with family, and not being able to do that for whatever reason, whether it's because of a separation or a death, or because of a strained relationship with our family. I think that of course, is especially painful. And it's no wonder that if you are going through this situation you might be feeling particularly lonely, particularly disconnected. I read this really interesting article when I was researching this. The holidays they're actually often the hardest for those who don't have that reliable support system or who don't have access to family in the way that many of us do. This includes, I guess all those things we just talked about, people who've lost loved ones, maybe have a strained relationship and non existent relationship. Maybe you've had to put up a boundary like we talked about last week, and that wasn't respected by your family members and cutting off contact, not being in their life for the holiday season was the only way to move forward. Additionally, the holidays, they're often full of these scenes everywhere we look on social media, on the television of people spending really happy and joyous times with their family and friends, leading a lot of us, they think, or some of us, to feel you're maybe the only one without someone in their life during this time. Of course, I know that's not the case. You know that's not the case. But it's all wrapped up in this idea of comparison. The thing we all do, we all compare, and it's a huge contributor to loneliness in the holiday season. I want to talk a little bit more about comparison because I think it's really important when we talk about loneliness during the holiday season, this time is a time for oversharing. We see people in love, people traveling, people with their families and beautiful partners they get to spend the holidays with. We see them in front of their Christmas tree with all their gifts, and you know, this big extended group of people. I think I've said it before, but I think it's important to stress again in those instances. Comparison is a real thief of joy here. It's honestly one of the phrases I lived by after hearing it, I think a few years ago and now I and I know personally I say it to myself so much. You know, comparison is a thief of joy. But I know personally it can be such a challenge not to compare. You know, I just did a whole episode on this a few weeks ago. But especially at times like this, it's just so easy. It's everywhere you look. It's across billboards, it's literally everywhere. It's on our phones, it's in the conversations we have with colleagues, it's in the group chats that we're in. But comparison, it can exacerbate so much loneliness and so many insecurities we might already have, and with our lives often on display around the holiday season, with people you know sharing their home cooked meals and their trees and their gifts and their family, it can be especially hard to avoid this and of course can make us feel even more disconnected and can really heighten what might always already be a sense of judgment around what we don't have, and a sense of our lives lacking. Of course, all of these factors, our family, our friends, our social environment are very pertinent, are very important to consider, but there are other elements of our environment I think also contribute to loneliness around this time, especially if you're living somewhere where it's really dark and cold during the holidays, Seasonal effective disorder, seasonal depression. It does not play around and on top of many of these other factors and experiences, think you know that separation from family, that's financial things to think about, there's the stress from the business of this year. Our environment is obviously going to play a huge part, and as we know, our environment is a massive determinant to our state of mind and our well being. And often our mental state can mimic our external surroundings. So if you are already in a vulnerable state because you know that this year you don't get or go home, maybe you're working because you have that stream relationship with your family, and then suddenly it's freezing cold and it's super dark and it just feels gross outside. I can imagine all of those factors really play on top of each other, they play into each other and create that feeling of loneliness that has been the point of this discussion. Another one that's really interesting for me that someone I know actually brought up was that when we go home for the holidays, or when we travel or we're going to see family, there is this loss of consistency in the habits and the lifestyle that we normally keep, and a kind of a disruption to the peace and normalcy of everyday life. I find this when I come home right like I'm used to waking up at a certain time, getting to choose what I want to do when I want to do it, being able to see my friends. You know, none of my friends live, you know, only a couple of them actually live where my parents live, So it's like an immediate seven day period of time where the only social connection I have in person is my family, and that is so disruptive, and I always think, like, oh, what's going on without me? Like I get this almost foamo, and then I feel guilt. I'm like, oh, I haven't seen my family and so long I want to be spending time with them. I love them, I enjoy their company, but I'm also used to having the life that I have that is separate from them, And when the holidays come around, it's this kind of big disruption to that, and I have to recalibrate so much of my life to adapt to this weird period in which everything gets put on pause. I think also there can many times during this period be these unrealistic expectations and memories this nostalgia. And I think nostalgia is one of the most beautiful parts about being human, Like it's incredible that we can reflect on beautiful times in our lives and feel those same feelings and those same sensations, Like that's just wonderful. But it also comes with its downsides, for sure, particularly when we think about memories of past holidays or past Christmases or whatever where you did get to celebrate with loved ones and everything went perfectly, and you know, you've got to see everyone that you loved and spend time with your friends and your family. And maybe this year that wasn't the case. Things came up, you weren't able to be close with them, you weren't able to make it back. Maybe you don't have that relationship with your family anymore, you can't afford to make that trip. And thinking back on those times when the situation was perfect, when when you were able to make those memories, can be even more difficult. I think often when we're unable to get together with friends and family, it can make us even more nostalgic, and we remember these old times when everything was different, and it can make us feel pretty down and pretty unhappy, especially when we imagine that this loneliness that we might be feeling will possist, which we know it weren't. It's not going to last forever, but it's very easy to say that. It's very easy for me to say that, and it's a very different thing to believe that. And finally, loneliness during the holidays, why does it happen often because it's a time to reflect during the holiday period we often get leave from university and work. It's a period of rest. Everything's on pause, and with that comes a lack of things to keep us occupied. When we think about our everyday lives, there is so much to busy our minds with. You know, you've got work, you've got to go to uni, you've got to keep up with your friends, you've got to keep up with the gym, or keep up with your hobbies, and there's so many things, so many things that are on our mind. But when those things do go on pause, such as during this period, and they disappear, we no longer have that distraction, and we recognize that that's maybe actually what they are, a distraction from what some of our deeper and truer feelings may be. And in this period around the holidays, those very feelings that we've suppressed they come back in full force, and that results in some of that discomfort and loneliness. That's a key point that I was thinking about when I was writing today's episode. Of course, we cannot talk about this experience of the loneliness, this sensation without talking about expectations and the external expectations placed on us throughout this time. The hype, to be happy and to be grateful. You know, it's everywhere the most wonderful time of the year, a time of joy and gratitude and love and family. And implicit within that expectation is that if you cannot feel that way, if you are struggling, if you are really just not feeling it, if you're away from your family and friends, if you're feeling alone, or maybe you just wish you had somebody, you're a bit of a grinch. I see this. It's everywhere. It's everywhere, it's in movies, it's in the narrative told around us that the holiday should be reveled like not the time of the year, and that is going to put that place is so much pressure on us. So even if you are struggling, even if you are just really not having a great time, it's going to make you feel so much guilt and shame, and it's going to make it feel like you are the problem because this narrative is being pushed across every platform to be happy and to be grateful. Honestly, someone needs to write a Christmas album for those who are spending the holidays alone, like we need to change the narrative or like maybe a sad rom com or just a normal rom com where you are just a happy single person who can't make it home for the holidays, and I don't know, you buy yourself like a family sized potato bake and a bottle of wine, like it's just another day. Like Hallmark, the rights are available, you need to buy this movie. I honestly think it would sell because that is the case for so many of us, for so many people, like this is just not a special time, like everyone is telling us that it should be, for all of those reasons that we've discussed, for so many reasons, like there's already this sense of I think depression and this lack of things to distract us, and these expectations that this needs to be amazing. And then you combine that with like the environmental factors or the fact that you may be not close to your family, you know, the family being the pillar of this season, and it all just kind of gets wrapped up in this feeling of disconnection for many of us, and maybe it even results and you're dreading the holiday season, that external and even internal expectation making it so much worse. So what can we do if you are feeling this way right now. If you're coming out of Christmas and just feeling really down about yourself and just feeling a little bit lost, a little bit lonely, I think the first thing to do is just to find that, you know, whatever it is the small joys that give you meaning and the things that you can enjoy about this time, whether it is the holiday time if you are someone who is on leave at the moment, or it's the cookies and the food and the crappy movies, and you know, the opportunity to buy yourself a really expensive, ridiculous gift because it's Christmas and because it's the holidays, whatever you need, you can take advantage or whatever best serves you. If it means that you're going to feel better about this season and if it's going to curb some of your loneliness. I think it's also important to think and plan ahead about what there is to look forward to when everything kind of comes back to normal. Maybe it's not planning a trip or planning something important for you, maybe a concert, something that you can look forward to so that you don't get I think stuck in the sadness of this period of the loneliness and coming into both of those points, like, treat yourself honestly, do it. There is nothing that a little dopamine hit from some retail therapy or some like yummy food or whatever, a little gift isn't going to help with. It's honestly, you real thing. You've got to sometimes be the one to reward yourself, especially if you're spending the holidays alone. This is a great time to be able to parent yourself and treat yourself the way that you would want to be treated as if you were a child, Like treat yourself to the experiences that you would want to have at this time. Because you really are the person who's in control of your happiness for most of the part, you know, not all of it. There are obviously other factors, but our happiness is very much in our control when we get to decide our environment and what we give to give to ourselves. Of course, they also think it's important to text, call reach out to the people that do make you feel sane and connected. Reach out to them. I'm sure they would love to hear from you, and it's a way of allowing yourself to acknowledge that there are people who care about you. You're not alone, even if so many aspects of this season try and convince us that we are and that they are there for you and there are people that love you. I think it's also just a great way just to get some of that social connection and social interaction that can often curb our loneliness. Get off social media. This is like the biggest tip. When it's the holiday time, I honestly cannot be on social media. I get so much fomo. I'm constantly comparing myself. Literally, it's so overwhelming. I cannot deal with it. Everyone's on their vacations and to having the best time and getting the best Christmas gifts and have this beautiful relationship or this beautiful family, And I know that for me, comparison, like I said, is the thief of joy. So I make a conscious decision to stay away for as much as I can allow myself to and just put an end to that before it even begins. And I use this time instead to rest and relax. Rest and relax when you can. We are so much better able to navigate these feelings of isolation, of loneliness, of feeling a little bit crap. When we have the mental resources we need at our disposal, including a well rested mind. It's so much better for our cognitive state when we feel well rested, when we have the energy to ward off some of these negative feelings. Distract yourself if you have to as well, like just go outside, do some shopping, see a friend. If you're able to watch Emily in Paris, I don't know, I just saw that that came out. I may have been schwatched it. It's very fun. Anything that will allow you to find those small moments and the small things to be grateful for, and these small distractions. And if you are someone who spent the holidays alone and you'll listen this and relating to this, I just want to say, I think you're doing an amazing job. I don't want to say I'm sorry. I feel like pity is such a terrible feeling to have a lobbied at you, But I just think that you deserve a lot of credit. I know it can be really, really difficult to go through this period by yourself, even for those of us who are surrounded by family. You know, some of those things we talked about are so real. There is this disruption to our daily habits. We don't get to see our friends. We're kind of in this state where we don't have those distractions that we normally have. Or maybe you're just looking around and everyone seems to have a perfect relationship, they have someone to spend the holidays with, or they have this perfect family and you don't, and comparison is really your enemy in those moments. It's so much easier said than done. But whatever you can do to try and interrupt or disrupt that nasty little comparative beast, I think we're better for it. That's all I have for you today. I just want to say thank you so much for listening to the Christmas special, thank you so much for supporting the show this year. Oh my god, it's been insane. Next week we are kicking off the start of My New Year's series. So the next three episodes are all going to be around creating the best version of yourself for twenty twenty three and how some of the psychology can explain things like New Year's resolutions, how to have a mental glow up, how to choose the love that you deserve, how to let go of the things that do not serve you. So I'm so excited I've been doing so much planning and so much research and it's just incredible and if you do feel cool to do so. If you did enjoy this episode, please feel free to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify podcast, wherever you are listening, and make sure to follow us at that psychology podcast. Thank you again, I will see you later this week. I'll see you next week for a new episode.