352 | Power, Control, and Anxiety: Unpacking the Child's Need for Dominance

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi,

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I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode,

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I'm answering a question from Heather in Minnesota.

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And I have such a hard time saying that

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like that.

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I want to say Minnesota.

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Anyway,

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so I am

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really excited about this.

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This is an interesting question about a client that has come back

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after

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being put in a higher level of care.

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And I've been getting a lot

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more questions like this lately.

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And I don't really want to digress into a whole other tangent commentary,

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but

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I,

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I'm actually really concerned for,

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for kids right now and what's going on for mental health

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treatment.

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I think that

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The ease with which kids are baker acted often when

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parents aren't even made aware of it when it's happening,

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the

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ease with which people are putting them in higher level

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treatment facilities and residential homes and all this stuff.

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This is really a huge cause for concern for me and I hope that it is for you too.

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The reactive,

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knee jerk,

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impulsive,

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big

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intervention kind of mentality.

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I think that that has the potential to be so damaging and so scarring

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for kids.

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I,

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I've worked with kids that have been banker acted before they came to see me,

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and

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it,

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it is,

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it is traumatic for them.

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And so that's just my thoughts.

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I really hope that we can

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advocate

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and that we can

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help.

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Change that process and change that system

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because

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kids need child-centered play therapy

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and

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we can provide that with confidence and with competence and with excellence

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and hopefully that will dissuade people

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from pursuing these

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really

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big intervention

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options

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because I really think that that does more harm than good in a lot of cases.

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But

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I'll circle back to the question now.

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So Heather,

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thank you for this.

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Let me read parts of this and then we'll dive in together.

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I have a client that has come back to me after a higher level of care.

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He presents with aggression,

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quote,

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causing multiple physical restraints in school each week.

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The client is also reported to have aggressive and controlling behaviors at home.

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The client also presents with anxiety

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and diagnoses of ADHD and ASD,

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though I would have never even remotely guessed he would meet criteria for ASD.

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He probably doesn't,

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Heather.

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The client appears to have all the power in the

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family system and even self-proclaims himself to be the favorite.

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I've been doing CCPT and CPRT with this family for nearly a year,

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and almost all of his play revolves around money or items of value.

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No surprise.

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Every play session we're searching for items of value,

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fighting to win a contest for items of value.

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We have at least one bank or jewelry store involved,

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and we'll spend time writing out paychecks for millions of dollars.

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The client has a thematic play of power and control,

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as he always knows where the money is,

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is the person in charge of the money,

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and or wins the money.

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At times I'm told I have the money and need to defend it,

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and he ensures that he always gets it or wins it.

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The client has also started bringing in personal items of value jewelry,

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rare trading cards,

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or gemstones.

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I've not set limits on this,

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as I have been curious on the reasoning.

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And since items of value are already a central theme in the playroom,

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I thought it might be significant for him.

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Maybe I should set some limits,

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but to clarify,

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his parents are aware and approve of this.

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OK.

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So,

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so interesting to read this because it totally aligns with

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everything we would expect.

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If we have an anxious child,

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what do we know is going to likely be

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the way that the child

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handles,

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whether it's maladaptive,

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yes,

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but

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what is

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comorbid with high levels of anxiety,

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we're going to see high levels of what?

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Power and control.

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Thank you.

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So,

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we have these as parallel tracks,

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almost always,

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high levels of anxiety,

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high levels of need for power and control.

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And aggression

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is a form

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of power.

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It's physical power.

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And often what aggression is,

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we were just talking about this in coaching this week,

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as a matter of fact,

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aggression is often

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a mask.

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Because

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no child wants to feel vulnerable,

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no human wants to feel vulnerable.

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So we will mask feelings of vulnerability

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with something else

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and to a child,

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I don't want to feel anxious,

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I don't want to feel worried.

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I don't want to feel inadequate.

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I don't want to feel incapable.

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I don't want to feel incompetent.

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I don't want to feel,

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fill in the blank.

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Well,

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the antidote in a child's world is,

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well,

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what can I do so that I don't feel those things?

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Well,

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if I'm aggressive,

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that makes me feel powerful.

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Well,

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you can see how that's a natural swing.

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I'm avoiding vulnerability,

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so I'm going to mask it with aggression.

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However,

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avoiding vulnerability is also comorbid with high levels of anxiety,

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because who wants to feel anxious?

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No one.

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All right,

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so you have control

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tied to anxiety

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and aggression tied to anxiety.

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This all makes sense.

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It also makes sense that you said the client has all the power in the family

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and proclaims himself to be the favorite.

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There's another grab for power and control.

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Why?

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Because if you self-aggrandize.

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And you say,

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I'm the best,

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I'm the smartest,

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I'm the fastest,

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I'm the favorite,

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I'm the whatever.

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You are

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ideal versus actual,

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you know,

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I'm,

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I'm actually masking the fact that I'm not any of those things,

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but I will put on airs that I am.

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Self-aggrandizing is going to make me think

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that I am those things.

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And the dynamic in a family

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very quickly shifts to everyone caters

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to the one that's the most power hungry.

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I don't want you to get mad.

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I don't want you to get aggressive.

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I don't want you to get upset.

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I don't want you to try to control things,

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so I'll just give in and say yes,

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and it furthers

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the power and control.

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Because

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there's no boundaries,

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there's no limits,

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no one is saying,

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You really want X,

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but that is not for Y.

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You can choose A and B.

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OK,

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if we're not setting boundaries,

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if we have no limits.

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If there are no expectations of you will not be in control all the time.

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The child will capitalize on it and take it as far as he or she can go.

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Therefore,

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let's talk about play now.

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I think,

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Heather,

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I think you have a really solid handle on what's going on.

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This is absolutely about power and control.

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Why?

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Because

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if there's items of value,

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you're powerful.

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That that's why there's a notion of the rich are powerful in the world,

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because

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if you have money,

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you can make things happen.

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It actually

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is very closely tied to having power.

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So therefore,

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jewels and things of value

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and

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all of the stuff that you're describing,

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it makes sense.

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He's creating a scenario where he has ultimate power and control.

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And even if he gives you

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moments where you have the money and you have to defend it,

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that's a pendulum

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swing.

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That's a shift.

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He's giving you a little bit of power and control.

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That's huge in session.

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He's had it all.

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He willingly gives you a little bit of it.

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Now it's short-lived,

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and it's means to an end because you have to defend it and then you fail.

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He always ends up with it anyway.

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So ha ha,

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too bad for you.

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I've got the power again,

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but he did give it to you

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for a short little snippet of time.

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That's meaningful.

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So we can see that he is in fact realizing

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he doesn't have to have the power at all times.

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He's willing to give it up in fits and spurts.

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That's encouraging.

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But

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we recognize absolutely power and control.

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He's the one that knows where the money is.

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He's the one that knows how to get it.

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He,

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all of that makes sense.

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OK.

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So now,

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if he's starting to bring in his own

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items,

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there's

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deeper stuff going on.

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Because

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now this isn't hypothetical anymore.

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I'm actually bringing something in that is valuable to me.

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Now,

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it might not have high monetary value.

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But

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Maybe they do.

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I don't know.

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The rare trading card.

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I mean,

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in my mind,

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is that a $5 trading card or a $5000 trading card?

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I don't know.

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I suspect 5.

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But regardless,

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it's valuable to him.

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So now it's first person.

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Now there's ownership and

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real connection to something.

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I actually have things that are worth a lot.

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I actually have a lot of power and control because these are valuable.

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It's next level processing.

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This is really important.

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So when you said I've not set a limit on this,

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I certainly wouldn't.

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Listen,

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one of the things that we recognize is if a child brings something from home,

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there's significance there.

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Sometimes it's for a relation.

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They're trying to

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connect with us.

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Sometimes it's because they want to let us into what's going on in their lives.

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Sometimes it's because there's

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safety in that item and they want to bring it in with them.

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Sometimes it's to have play related to that item.

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The only time I set a limit if a child wants to bring something

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into the playroom is if it has a screen or it's electronic in nature.

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It's a screen-free zone in the playroom,

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so

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a tablet is off limits,

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a phone is off limits.

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Anything with a screen is off limits,

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but if a child wants to bring a toy or

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an object or an item or something into the playroom,

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There's no need to set a limit on that.

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There's a reason that they're bringing it in.

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Sometimes kids want to bring in something to show you.

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Sometimes kids want to bring in something to work on.

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There's always relevance and significance to whatever they're introducing.

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So Heather,

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I would not set a limit on that.

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His parents are aware it's not a secret.

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You see the value in it.

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He's bringing in something that very closely aligns with his thematic play.

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So,

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it just becomes another toy for him to use in his storyline,

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in his play.

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So,

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I absolutely agree with your decision to not set a limit there.

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And

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I'm actually really happy to hear that you're doing CPRT as well,

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because parents really need,

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you're going to have to do a lot of psychoed

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with these parents,

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it sounds like,

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and you're really going to have to encourage them and equip them

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with

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foundational limit setting

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and helping them understand

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that without

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Safety and without security,

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there can be no relationship.

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A child needs boundaries.

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A child needs limits.

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It is actually unhealthy and damaging

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for a child to be able to do whatever they want.

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They crave

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stability and safety and security,

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and that is only found in limits.

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So they're only needed when they're needed.

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They don't need to set arbitrary limits.

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They don't need to set

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random limits that don't have any purpose,

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but

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this child is craving

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structure

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and limits,

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and parents really need to be able to implement those at home.

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And so I'm hopeful that through the CPRT process.

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that will unfold,

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and you might have to do a lot of cheerleading

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with this family to really help them understand the value

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of being consistent

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and

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not walking around on eggshells

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and ensuring that the child is actually getting the limits that are

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needed for him to be able to learn how to regulate.

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Let's face it,

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a child never has to learn to regulate

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if there are never limits.

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So if we want a child that can self regulate

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and can self-control.

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They have to practice that within the

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constraints of boundaries and limits,

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so boundaries and limits are necessary.

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So Heather,

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thank you so much for the question,

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and I hope that that is helpful for all of us.

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We all have kids that bring stuff into playrooms,

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and we all have kids that will play out the same theme over and over and over again.

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And so it's helpful to kind of unpack things like that sometimes.

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I love y'all so much.

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Have a great week.

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We'll talk again soon.

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Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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For more episodes and resources,

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please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.