184 | Unconditional Acceptance: The Heart of Child-Centered Play Therapy

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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Your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode,

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we are continuing the summer school series where

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I'm reading from seminal works in the child-centered

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Space.

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And today I'm reading from the Art of

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the Relationship Play Therapy by Garry Landreth.

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By the way, if you don't own that book,

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you should.

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I actually have several editions of it.

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And it is so important for us to really understand this

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from a sense of this is the way that we are with children. It's a way of being

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and that is really, really clearly communicated in the art of the relationship.

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So I highly recommend that you get that book if you don't already have it.

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And if you have it,

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make sure that you're reading it,

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many of you are like I have it, but it's never left my shelf.

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Well, make sure it leaves your shelf and make sure that you start reading it.

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So we're going to dive into a really what I consider to

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be one of the most impactful sections of the entire book today.

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I love this passage and I'm going to read it for you all.

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But before I get into that

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couple of

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housekeeping updates.

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So back by popular demand, I know you're like Brenna,

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you're always changing things, but

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back by popular demand, I've had so many of you ask for

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one last hurrah of the six figure play therapy coaching,

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which is the child-centered play therapy skills and training

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coupled with the private practice and business knowledge.

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So I know that we switched those and it was the

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child-centered training specifically and then

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the six figure training separately,

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we're now combining them for one final round

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and that will begin in October. So I just want to make you aware

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if you have been wanting to have the private practice and

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the business training as well as the child centered training,

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you get one last chance.

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So please go to SixFigurePlayTherapist.com

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and you will be able to find out all the information and details about that.

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Ok.

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And then we will also talk at the end of this episode about the conference in October.

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So hang on tight for that. I'll give you more details there.

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So let me read from page 50

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in art of the relationship

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and the context of this passage is about

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how children are different

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and children's personalities play a factor in their therapeutic journey

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and being mindful of that and considerate of that and respectful of that

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is crucial to being an effective child-centered play therapist.

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So I will read passages. I'll share some commentary as we go.

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And I'm reading again, page 50 in Art of the Relationship by Landreth.

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All right. So the headline of this section is called some children are like popcorn

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and some are like molasses

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and I'm sure you can already drum up in your head where this is probably going.

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So

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I love this. Oh my gosh.

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Anyone who has ever been in the presence of children for any extended period of time

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is well acquainted with the personality and behavioral variability

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they exhibit as they go about exploring their

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world in their own individual unique ways.

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Ok. So let me pause there.

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That's essentially saying

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behaviors vary and personality changes the way children interact.

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So you have timid kids, you have shy kids, you have quiet kids, you have social kids,

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you have aggressive kids, you have life of the party kids

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just like adults, right?

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So you put a whole bunch of children in a room together

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and their behaviors are going to vary and their personality is going to be evident.

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So that's kind of the premise of the start of this.

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Some children are like popcorn,

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they do everything with great bursts of energy and activity

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when something occurs to them,

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they pop forth with exuberance to activate this new and wonderful idea.

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They're like bumblebees capable of seemingly motionless, hovering

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when something captures their attention,

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then they zoom off with a great burst of motion

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and buzz of noise to find something else of interest.

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That's Garry Landreth's,

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gentle Texan way

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of saying

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the kids that act like they have ADHD

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OK.

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Notice that I said, act like because

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you know how I feel about the over-diagnostic nature of our culture right now with

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giving every child the diagnosis of ADHD even when it's not warranted or necessary.

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But

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think about that, there are some kids

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that are just like popcorn

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and they just

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with exuberance and with energy and with excitement,

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they just go and go and go and go and they keep going to all these different things

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that is not inherently a problem

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that is not inherently an issue

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that is not something that inherently needs to be fixed or corrected.

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Some kids are like popcorn.

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OK. Let me continue.

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Other children are like molasses

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and can barely be poured from one place to another.

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They do everything with great deliberateness and careful consideration

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caught up in their own seeming inertia,

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impervious to activity being generated around them.

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They're like gyroscopes,

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everything is functioning and spinning on the inside as it should.

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But little if any movement or change is observable on the outside.

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Read

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the really calm, really seemingly indifferent.

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Don't get excited about much.

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Don't get invested about much, don't get engaged about much,

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but

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inside everything is

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doing what it's supposed to do.

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They just don't show it on the outside.

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We have internalizing and Externalizing kids. Right.

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So

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the children that are like molasses that can

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barely be poured from one place to another,

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they're deliberate, they're careful,

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they consider everything

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and they don't really notice what's going on around them.

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You don't see it on the outside,

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but it doesn't mean that there's not what is normal on the inside.

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And again,

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we could easily

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see this as some innate problem.

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They need to be more social, they need to be more engaging.

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They, they need to talk more. They're too shy, they're too reserved.

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They don't participate at birthday parties.

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They don't ever seem to have any friends because they don't talk to anyone.

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This is not inherently a problem.

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It's not something that needs to inherently be fixed.

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These are personality traits of children.

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Some kids are like popcorn, some kids are like molasses

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and let's go back to the grounding of this entire theory.

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We unconditionally accept children as they are

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where they are, when they are for who they are.

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We don't have to expect them to change.

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We don't want them to be any different than what they are.

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So the Molasses kid

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is just as accepted as the popcorn kid.

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The popcorn kid is just as accepted as the Molasses kid depending

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on your personality because as soon as I said that I thought,

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oh, that made me sound like I favor one over the other.

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There are some therapists that would 1000 times

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over want a popcorn kid in their playroom.

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And then there are some therapists that 1000 times

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over would want a molasses kid in their playroom.

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But a true CCPT is going to accept and unconditionally love both.

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Ok. Let me continue.

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Some children are like mushrooms,

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they pop forth overnight.

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Other children are like orchids.

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They take 7 to 12 years to bloom.

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Wow. Y'all think about that.

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This passage is so incredible to me.

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Some are going to just instantaneously.

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They, they get in there and they just like they bloom, boom, like they just like that

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and then some are like orchids.

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The, the process is so long and it takes so much more

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intentional lengths of time for it to take place.

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The effective play therapist is the kind of person

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who waits for orchids

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but is patient with mushrooms.

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Let me read that again.

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It's actually

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in bold in the book, by the way. So

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usually if something is underlined or in bold in a book,

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it means something and it matters.

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The effective play therapist is the kind of person

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who waits for orchids

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but is patient with mushrooms

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that just, that's who we're supposed to be,

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whether your popcorn,

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your molasses

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your mushroom

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or

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you're an orchid,

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it doesn't matter

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you're all doing what you need to do in your way in your time

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based on who you are

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and we trust that it will work out the

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way it's supposed to because that's the child-centered way.

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Ok, let me continue. Each child has his unique approach to the solution to problems

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and how life should be lived.

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Therefore,

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as the child already possesses

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those qualities necessary

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for growing and becoming a well adjusted mature individual,

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the therapist waits patiently for the child to discover that unique self.

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Let me pause there.

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The child already possesses the qualities necessary for

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growing and becoming well adjusted and mature.

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We believe that that's self actualization,

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the child has what the child needs.

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So therefore,

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the therapist waits patiently

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for the child to discover it,

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to become that self,

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to figure out what that self looks like

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to evolve into that self. We wait patiently

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continuing.

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The therapist has a sincere belief

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in the child's ability to work out difficulties

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and so does not out of his or her impatience

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suggest that the child become involved in other activities

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or talk about more important topics

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which other significant adults have said are important and

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should be explored because this child needs to change

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if that doesn't in one sentence,

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wrap up one of the most consistent

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and most consistently frustrating elements of our job

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when we

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trust the child and trust the process

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and an adult in the child's world does not.

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So let me read that again.

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The therapist has a sincere belief in the child's ability to work out difficulties.

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And so does not out of his or her impatience

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suggest that the child become involved in other activities

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or talk about more important topics

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which other significant adults have said are

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more important and should be explored.

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Quote, because this child needs to change.

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That's the pressure that we feel all the time.

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My child told me that you haven't asked him one thing about the divorce.

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My child said that all they do is play with you

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and you have not said one thing about their aggression.

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Can you please bring up the fact that he smacked

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a kid at school today and that's not ok.

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And I told him he needs to talk to you about that

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sound familiar. It's, it's a broken record.

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This is, this is the way that adults in a child's world respond

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and I'm not faulting them for it. You don't know what you don't know,

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they're not child-centered. They don't understand. It's a way of being.

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They don't understand the philosophies and the tenets of this approach.

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So they can't be expected to understand

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why we don't.

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But it's our job to help them understand.

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That's why the consultations are so important.

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That's why setting expectations are so important.

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We have to make sure that they understand as much as they can,

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why we're not going

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to

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suggest the child becomes involved in other activities

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and why we're not going to talk about more important things.

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We can't

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if we honor and believe

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that the child already possesses what they need to change

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and in their time, they will.

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All right, last sentence

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because the therapist respects the child.

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He does not interrupt or talk down to the child.

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Nor does the therapist discount what the child says or the feelings he experiences.

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So there

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is

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built in respect to this process.

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And you know,

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I think about how many teenagers who are much more

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verbal and much more articulate with whom I work,

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say to me

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about someone in their life, their mom, their dad, their

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boyfriend or girlfriend, their best friend

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in passing. I can't tell you how many times a teenager has said to me,

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you know what if they want my respect, they have to give respect.

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My teenagers say that all the time.

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Don't for a second think that kids don't feel that

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they don't have the verbal capacity or the

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cognitive understanding to say something like that.

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But don't for a second

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think that they don't understand the reciprocal

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nature of respect in a relationship.

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If you want a child to respect you

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and care about you and love you and

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accept you and do all of the things you extend that to the child first.

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It's unconditional love, unconditional acceptance.

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Therefore, we don't interrupt, we don't talk down,

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we don't discount what the child says or the feelings that he experiences why?

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Because they're valid and they matter.

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This is the nature of the child-centered play therapist

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because some children are popcorn, some are molasses,

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some are mushrooms, some are orchids

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and even with parent pressure

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and even with

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outside expectation,

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there's mutual respect built in to what we do,

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we respect where they are, who they are, how they are, why they are

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when they are.

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That is what being

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CCPT means.

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And this is not as much a skill set

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as it is a way of being, right?

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OK.

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Hope that, that resonated with you as much as it does with me.

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I love that passage in the book.

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All right, final thoughts.

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As I mentioned in a recent episode,

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I am in fact going to be at the conference and we

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are planning a meet up on Friday that Friday of the conference.

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We will have an all things CCPT. So

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if you are a podcast listener, if you are a collective member,

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if you are a coaching participant

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or if you just

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like CCPT,

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I would love to have you.

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So please make sure you are signed up for my email newsletter.

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That is how I will be communicating updates

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and details about that meet up. And of course, I will also mention it on the podcast

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in future episodes,

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but just be mindful that I'm going to be giving updates as we solidify details

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and I can make them available to you. So

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make sure you sign up for my newsletter

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if you haven't already, playtherapypodcast.com.

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And as always, y'all make me so happy. You bring me so much joy.

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I wanted to share a really quick little thing.

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I got an email

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and

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the email said I listened to your Field of Dreams episode

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and it was perfect timing because I was setting up my playroom

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and it made me think about how if you build it, they will come

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in the movie,

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by the way related aside, if you've not seen Field of Dreams,

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please go rent it from your library and

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I guess you don't rent it anymore, do you? That's the Blockbuster Days y'all.

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I'm talking about my age here.

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You can't go rent movies anymore. Do you know how sad that is?

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I used to love going to Blockbuster. Anyway,

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um, please check out the movie from your library

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and watch Field of Dreams. It is just

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the most wonderful baseball movie.

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But she emailed me and said

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I was listening to your episode and if you know, if you build it, they will come

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and I'm setting up my playroom and I'm just thinking, wow,

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like I'm building this playroom and kids will come

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and she sent me a picture of her like newly established playroom

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and she's an Iranian play therapist.

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And I just had this moment where I was like,

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there are playrooms all over the world and I'm getting emotional, but

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there are playrooms springing up all over the world

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from people that love kids

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and love child

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centeredness

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and every single playroom that is created, every single playroom that is set up,

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every person that puts

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carefully selected toys in a room

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and opens the door and lets kids come in.

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Amazing things happen.

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And this is the gift that we have,

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we get to do this for a living

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and kids are better for it and families are better for it. And

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families in Iran,

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I mean, think about the,

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the cultural implications of that

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kids in Iran in a war torn part of the world

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are given

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the environment and the relationship

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where they can flourish and they can thrive and they can heal

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and develop lifelong skills.

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I was so so encouraged by that email. I was so happy to see that picture

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and

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I hope that that doesn't get lost. I, I hope that we

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stay focused

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on

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the why behind what we do

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our playroom is this special, special place

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that kids come

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and

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it's like nowhere else in their world.

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And every time we

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have time with a child

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in the playroom

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that is

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lifelong significance

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in that child's life.

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And I was just so encouraged by that and I'm so grateful to have received that.

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And

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I know you all do your work and you listen and you're in

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the collective or you coach with me or you're a podcast listener.

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And I know you don't have the benefit of

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people emailing you from all around the world.

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I wish you did it.

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It is the most fulfilling, incredible humbling thing of my whole life.

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But I want you to know

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this is worldwide

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and it is so meaningful. I,

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I hope you understand that in little pockets, literally all over the world.

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I get emails from every pocket of the world

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of someone finding play therapy, finding child-centered

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and going all in and saying,

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I wanna create a playroom and have kids come play with me and I wanna see

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what happens

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in the child-centered model and I wanna see how kids work through their stuff

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and then it happens and

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the whole world is better for it.

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So

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I love y'all. I hope that you

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do not

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discount or undermine

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in any way. The significance of every moment spent in a play room with a kid.

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It's so powerful, it's so meaningful and it's so significant

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and that's just something that I think we celebrate every day

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of our lives that this is what we do for a living

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love y'all. We'll talk again soon. Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr

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Brenna Hicks. For more episodes and resources.

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Please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.