Q&A Epsiode: Weekly Goals-Setting, Grandparent Gifts, Division of Labor & More

<v Speaker 1>Hi. This is Laura Vandercamp. I'm a mother of five, 0:00:08.119 --> 0:00:12.200 <v Speaker 1>an author, journalist, and speaker. And this is Sarah Hartunger. 0:00:12.440 --> 0:00:15.400 <v Speaker 1>I'm a mother of three, a practicing physician and blogger. 0:00:15.440 --> 0:00:17.760 <v Speaker 1>On the side, we are two working parents who love 0:00:17.800 --> 0:00:21.279 <v Speaker 1>our careers and our families. Welcome to best of both worlds. 0:00:21.560 --> 0:00:24.360 <v Speaker 1>Here we talk about how real women manage work, family, 0:00:24.480 --> 0:00:27.720 <v Speaker 1>and time for fun, from figuring out childcare to mapping 0:00:27.760 --> 0:00:30.320 <v Speaker 1>out long term career goals. We want you to get 0:00:30.320 --> 0:00:35.960 <v Speaker 1>the most out of life. Welcome to best of both worlds. 0:00:36.080 --> 0:00:38.880 <v Speaker 1>This is Laura. This is episode one hundred and ninety six, 0:00:38.960 --> 0:00:42.080 <v Speaker 1>airing in early May twenty twenty one. This is going 0:00:42.159 --> 0:00:45.599 <v Speaker 1>to be an all mail bag episode, taking listener questions, 0:00:45.640 --> 0:00:49.920 <v Speaker 1>some people sent in via Instagram, some through email, even 0:00:50.000 --> 0:00:53.800 <v Speaker 1>an audio question. Now that Sarah has her really cool setup, 0:00:54.240 --> 0:00:56.840 <v Speaker 1>maybe you can just quickly remind listeners how they can 0:00:56.880 --> 0:01:01.600 <v Speaker 1>send those Yes. I embarked upon for my other podcast initially, 0:01:01.600 --> 0:01:04.480 <v Speaker 1>but then realized, of course it can serve both purposes. 0:01:04.560 --> 0:01:08.360 <v Speaker 1>So we're calling the recording right now. I guess no, 0:01:08.480 --> 0:01:10.360 <v Speaker 1>we will. We're gonna slice it in. You guys are 0:01:10.360 --> 0:01:13.920 <v Speaker 1>gonna get to hear it of course, so we'll be 0:01:14.040 --> 0:01:16.240 <v Speaker 1>airing the actual audio question, and if you'd like to 0:01:16.280 --> 0:01:19.959 <v Speaker 1>submit an audio question, just click on the speak icon. 0:01:20.840 --> 0:01:22.319 <v Speaker 1>I'll see if I can send it to Laura for 0:01:22.360 --> 0:01:25.559 <v Speaker 1>her to embed into her show notes. But I will 0:01:25.800 --> 0:01:28.600 <v Speaker 1>just to hedge our bets. I will remember on Tuesday 0:01:28.640 --> 0:01:31.600 <v Speaker 1>to also include it on my blog. So as this airs, 0:01:31.680 --> 0:01:33.839 <v Speaker 1>you can go to my blog post on the shoebox 0:01:33.880 --> 0:01:35.920 <v Speaker 1>dot com and they'll be a reminder of how to 0:01:35.959 --> 0:01:38.679 <v Speaker 1>submit an audio question. You just click on the speak 0:01:38.720 --> 0:01:41.080 <v Speaker 1>pipe icon and you can use whatever on your phone 0:01:41.160 --> 0:01:44.200 <v Speaker 1>or your computer, whatever recorder. The questions are limited to 0:01:44.280 --> 0:01:47.200 <v Speaker 1>ninety seconds because I don't currently have the pro version, 0:01:47.400 --> 0:01:51.080 <v Speaker 1>but pro tip, you could always extend your question by 0:01:51.160 --> 0:01:53.400 <v Speaker 1>leaving a second question if it really is longer than 0:01:53.440 --> 0:01:56.960 <v Speaker 1>ninety seconds, And honestly, most questions don't take longer than 0:01:57.000 --> 0:01:59.880 <v Speaker 1>ninety seconds to ask anyways, what I've learned so they 0:02:00.160 --> 0:02:02.800 <v Speaker 1>want to think about changing their business model, but until then, 0:02:02.840 --> 0:02:04.920 <v Speaker 1>it's a great way for you to do it at 0:02:04.960 --> 0:02:07.880 <v Speaker 1>fifteen seconds, and then you have to pay. Then I'm 0:02:07.880 --> 0:02:10.440 <v Speaker 1>going to have more a little bit more revenue, but yes, 0:02:10.480 --> 0:02:12.640 <v Speaker 1>we would welcome more. I think it's really fun to 0:02:12.680 --> 0:02:15.760 <v Speaker 1>actually hear voices, all right, well, then we could go 0:02:15.800 --> 0:02:17.799 <v Speaker 1>ahead and play that question. Then if you are set 0:02:17.840 --> 0:02:21.080 <v Speaker 1>up to do that, let's go for it. Hello Sarah, 0:02:21.160 --> 0:02:24.040 <v Speaker 1>Hi Laura. My name is Shweita and I've been listening 0:02:24.080 --> 0:02:26.800 <v Speaker 1>to the Best of Both Worlds since twenty eighteen and 0:02:26.840 --> 0:02:30.480 <v Speaker 1>I find it very enjoyable and insightful, so thank you 0:02:30.520 --> 0:02:34.240 <v Speaker 1>for the great content. One strategy that you've discussed in 0:02:34.280 --> 0:02:37.520 <v Speaker 1>the past is to plan the next week, and not 0:02:37.680 --> 0:02:41.000 <v Speaker 1>just for work goals, but also for personal goals. I've 0:02:41.040 --> 0:02:43.639 <v Speaker 1>always done weekly planning of my work goals, but a 0:02:43.680 --> 0:02:46.880 <v Speaker 1>few weeks ago I started planning my personal goals as 0:02:46.880 --> 0:02:50.520 <v Speaker 1>well on my Friday afternoon planning sessions. And while I 0:02:50.520 --> 0:02:53.000 <v Speaker 1>do a great job in planning and completing my work 0:02:53.040 --> 0:02:56.680 <v Speaker 1>related goals, my personal goals seem to have isc problem. 0:02:57.400 --> 0:03:01.800 <v Speaker 1>They're either overly ambitious creating a capsule wardrobe in a 0:03:01.840 --> 0:03:05.480 <v Speaker 1>week and I don't finish them, or extremely mundane and 0:03:05.480 --> 0:03:07.600 <v Speaker 1>they feel like a to do list, like you know, 0:03:07.720 --> 0:03:10.120 <v Speaker 1>changing out the bulb in the porch light and it 0:03:10.160 --> 0:03:13.560 <v Speaker 1>doesn't feel fulfilling. Then, so I end up feeling frustrated 0:03:13.800 --> 0:03:16.559 <v Speaker 1>at the end of the week instead of being satisfied. 0:03:17.200 --> 0:03:19.880 <v Speaker 1>So my question is how do I set the right 0:03:19.919 --> 0:03:22.440 <v Speaker 1>scope for my personal goals so that it feels like 0:03:22.480 --> 0:03:25.240 <v Speaker 1>an accomplishment and not like a bourden and not like 0:03:25.280 --> 0:03:28.679 <v Speaker 1>box checking. Any advice for setting the size of these 0:03:28.720 --> 0:03:31.880 <v Speaker 1>weekly personal goals would be great, Thank you very much. 0:03:32.560 --> 0:03:37.600 <v Speaker 1>All Right, So that question was about setting the right 0:03:37.760 --> 0:03:40.760 <v Speaker 1>level of goals for our weekly goals? Laura, do you 0:03:40.800 --> 0:03:44.400 <v Speaker 1>have thoughts on that? Yeah? Well, I mean, this is 0:03:44.800 --> 0:03:49.000 <v Speaker 1>obviously the challenge of estimating how much we can get 0:03:49.040 --> 0:03:53.920 <v Speaker 1>done taking into account what life is like. And what 0:03:53.960 --> 0:03:55.960 <v Speaker 1>I will say is this is very difficult. It's a 0:03:56.000 --> 0:03:59.920 <v Speaker 1>time estimation question in addition to a goal estimation question, 0:04:00.000 --> 0:04:03.760 <v Speaker 1>and time estimation is difficult. Many people do not know 0:04:03.880 --> 0:04:07.200 <v Speaker 1>how long things they do quite regularly take. I mean 0:04:07.280 --> 0:04:09.280 <v Speaker 1>we're even talking things like commuting to work. There are 0:04:09.320 --> 0:04:11.720 <v Speaker 1>people who don't actually know how long it takes them 0:04:11.720 --> 0:04:15.000 <v Speaker 1>to get to work. That seems a little silly, but 0:04:15.040 --> 0:04:17.120 <v Speaker 1>there are plenty of other things that people do all 0:04:17.120 --> 0:04:18.599 <v Speaker 1>the time and don't know how long they take. And 0:04:18.760 --> 0:04:21.720 <v Speaker 1>it's the same thing with setting goals. For the weak. 0:04:21.960 --> 0:04:27.120 <v Speaker 1>What constitutes a challenging but doable sort of week, I 0:04:27.120 --> 0:04:32.400 <v Speaker 1>would say aim low, and the reason is because if 0:04:32.400 --> 0:04:36.200 <v Speaker 1>you set lower goals and you get through all of it, like, 0:04:36.240 --> 0:04:38.680 <v Speaker 1>you are always free to go pick more stuff. Like. 0:04:38.720 --> 0:04:41.760 <v Speaker 1>There is no rule saying, well, okay, if you accomplish 0:04:41.760 --> 0:04:43.839 <v Speaker 1>everything by the end of Wednesday, you have to take 0:04:43.839 --> 0:04:46.320 <v Speaker 1>the weekend off. I mean you could, of course, but 0:04:47.120 --> 0:04:49.320 <v Speaker 1>you're obviously welcome to go find some other stuff then 0:04:49.360 --> 0:04:51.040 <v Speaker 1>to fill the rest of your week if you feel 0:04:51.040 --> 0:04:53.839 <v Speaker 1>it was an inadequate week in some way, shape or form. 0:04:54.279 --> 0:04:56.440 <v Speaker 1>But the more common sin is the other way that 0:04:56.480 --> 0:04:58.880 <v Speaker 1>people try to cram too much in and then they 0:04:58.920 --> 0:05:01.360 <v Speaker 1>don't get to it all, and then they feel discouraged. 0:05:01.800 --> 0:05:04.200 <v Speaker 1>And it's not just about the discouragement part of it. 0:05:04.200 --> 0:05:06.679 <v Speaker 1>It's that you might not have chosen the right stuff 0:05:06.680 --> 0:05:09.599 <v Speaker 1>to do first. If you don't really think through what 0:05:09.720 --> 0:05:12.440 <v Speaker 1>you're going to get through. You may have chosen stuff 0:05:12.440 --> 0:05:14.280 <v Speaker 1>that could have been done next week. You might have 0:05:14.360 --> 0:05:16.839 <v Speaker 1>chosen stuff that was not quite as urgent as the 0:05:16.839 --> 0:05:19.159 <v Speaker 1>stuff you didn't get to, and then you've brought yourself 0:05:19.200 --> 0:05:22.520 <v Speaker 1>all kinds of problems. So aim lower than you think 0:05:22.560 --> 0:05:26.080 <v Speaker 1>you're going to get to. Then see what happens. I 0:05:26.080 --> 0:05:29.560 <v Speaker 1>would suggest you know, any given day cannot accommodate more 0:05:29.600 --> 0:05:35.880 <v Speaker 1>than three, maybe five tasks that are not set appointments, 0:05:36.640 --> 0:05:38.800 <v Speaker 1>So that might be a good way to kind of 0:05:38.839 --> 0:05:41.040 <v Speaker 1>aim for like, if you've got four meetings, then set 0:05:41.040 --> 0:05:44.719 <v Speaker 1>yourself three other tasks around those meetings. If you've got 0:05:44.720 --> 0:05:47.080 <v Speaker 1>one meeting, maybe you could do more like five. But 0:05:47.520 --> 0:05:49.279 <v Speaker 1>if you have a good sense of how the week 0:05:49.320 --> 0:05:52.240 <v Speaker 1>is shaped like that, then you can allocate each goal 0:05:52.320 --> 0:05:54.359 <v Speaker 1>to a particular time and if it's like, wait, I 0:05:54.360 --> 0:05:56.119 <v Speaker 1>don't think that's going to fit, that's a good sign 0:05:56.160 --> 0:05:58.880 <v Speaker 1>that it's not going to fit. Yeah, so the time 0:05:59.080 --> 0:06:02.320 <v Speaker 1>sort of a modified time blocking approach is what you're suggesting. 0:06:02.560 --> 0:06:06.240 <v Speaker 1>It sounds like now this person specifically, and I apologize 0:06:06.240 --> 0:06:08.400 <v Speaker 1>because Laura was not able to hear the entire question 0:06:08.480 --> 0:06:10.880 <v Speaker 1>right now I summarized it. But they were asking about 0:06:10.960 --> 0:06:14.279 <v Speaker 1>personal goals in particular in addition to work goals, and 0:06:14.360 --> 0:06:16.400 <v Speaker 1>how to make sure that they're not like too trivial 0:06:16.440 --> 0:06:19.039 <v Speaker 1>so they just feel like little tasks but not too 0:06:19.120 --> 0:06:22.719 <v Speaker 1>much where they really overwhelmed themselves. And I don't have 0:06:22.760 --> 0:06:24.960 <v Speaker 1>a great answer other than trial and error. I mean, 0:06:25.000 --> 0:06:27.560 <v Speaker 1>if you pick a goal one week and it just 0:06:27.600 --> 0:06:30.160 <v Speaker 1>seems like too much, then think about whether that might 0:06:30.200 --> 0:06:32.200 <v Speaker 1>be a specific goal you want to divide into pieces. 0:06:32.240 --> 0:06:35.120 <v Speaker 1>For example, you guys know, I was working on doing 0:06:35.200 --> 0:06:38.719 <v Speaker 1>an organizing program of my home, and it quickly became 0:06:38.800 --> 0:06:41.719 <v Speaker 1>evident that doing one step every day was not going 0:06:41.720 --> 0:06:44.159 <v Speaker 1>to be doable for me. So I had to figure 0:06:44.200 --> 0:06:46.520 <v Speaker 1>that out by trial and error and then decided, you 0:06:46.520 --> 0:06:47.880 <v Speaker 1>know what, I'm going to do a couple of these 0:06:47.960 --> 0:06:51.960 <v Speaker 1>actions per week. And so I learned by doing that 0:06:51.960 --> 0:06:54.039 <v Speaker 1>that would be a meaningful amount for me that didn't 0:06:54.040 --> 0:06:58.640 <v Speaker 1>feel completely trivial, but wasn't overwhelming. So I'm not sure 0:06:58.680 --> 0:07:00.800 <v Speaker 1>we're entirely going to be able to answer this question 0:07:00.880 --> 0:07:03.680 <v Speaker 1>for you, except to give you permission that it's okay 0:07:03.800 --> 0:07:06.760 <v Speaker 1>to play with things and especially learn from the times 0:07:06.800 --> 0:07:09.800 <v Speaker 1>that you do choose too many things how you might 0:07:09.880 --> 0:07:12.400 <v Speaker 1>be able to break those town to make them more 0:07:12.440 --> 0:07:15.360 <v Speaker 1>manageable to fit the time frame of a week. Yeah, 0:07:15.400 --> 0:07:17.480 <v Speaker 1>I would say that on weekend days, I tend to 0:07:17.560 --> 0:07:19.600 <v Speaker 1>choose one or two things that I want to aim 0:07:19.640 --> 0:07:22.760 <v Speaker 1>for on the weekend, beyond kind of life maintenance of 0:07:22.880 --> 0:07:25.760 <v Speaker 1>these little personal goals I want to tackle more than that, 0:07:25.800 --> 0:07:28.200 <v Speaker 1>it's just not going to happen if you have a 0:07:28.200 --> 0:07:31.200 <v Speaker 1>busy life. I mean, that's just reality, and then maybe 0:07:31.400 --> 0:07:33.880 <v Speaker 1>one to two much smaller things for during the week 0:07:33.960 --> 0:07:36.800 <v Speaker 1>that you could tackle in the evenings. So that just 0:07:36.880 --> 0:07:39.720 <v Speaker 1>as a general rule of thumb and so apologies for 0:07:39.800 --> 0:07:43.400 <v Speaker 1>having gone on about work related time estimation not having 0:07:43.480 --> 0:07:46.520 <v Speaker 1>heard the actual question. Through the magic of podcasting, it's 0:07:46.560 --> 0:07:49.360 <v Speaker 1>going to get spliced in later, so now you know 0:07:49.400 --> 0:07:54.560 <v Speaker 1>how the sausage is made around here. That's although interesting. 0:07:55.040 --> 0:07:57.880 <v Speaker 1>Answering questions that people didn't ask is kind of a 0:07:57.960 --> 0:08:02.560 <v Speaker 1>time honored media training technique that when you learn how 0:08:02.600 --> 0:08:06.240 <v Speaker 1>to do, for instance, television or radio interviews, the goal 0:08:06.320 --> 0:08:08.360 <v Speaker 1>is always you know people will ask a question, but 0:08:08.440 --> 0:08:10.760 <v Speaker 1>you have kind of your set stuff that you also 0:08:10.800 --> 0:08:13.320 <v Speaker 1>want to say, and generally you can get to what 0:08:13.320 --> 0:08:14.920 <v Speaker 1>you want to say if you pay attention to people 0:08:14.920 --> 0:08:18.000 <v Speaker 1>who've done a lot of television, radio whenevers. I tend 0:08:18.040 --> 0:08:20.720 <v Speaker 1>to answer stuff that didn't get asked. That is very 0:08:20.760 --> 0:08:23.200 <v Speaker 1>interesting and definitely makes me think back to some of 0:08:23.240 --> 0:08:27.000 <v Speaker 1>our guest interviews, especially our more polished guests, where it's like, wow, 0:08:27.040 --> 0:08:29.080 <v Speaker 1>how did they work their book in there? Like I 0:08:29.120 --> 0:08:33.280 <v Speaker 1>asked about what they had for lunch? Yes, well, there 0:08:33.320 --> 0:08:35.839 <v Speaker 1>you go, but it's a tr question. Number two let's 0:08:35.840 --> 0:08:38.800 <v Speaker 1>move on, Sarah, how do you organize your reading life? 0:08:38.800 --> 0:08:41.000 <v Speaker 1>I think you should answer this because I basically do not, 0:08:41.360 --> 0:08:45.680 <v Speaker 1>so go for it all. Well, not organizing is a 0:08:45.679 --> 0:08:48.400 <v Speaker 1>method upon itself, so give yourself a little bit more credit. 0:08:48.840 --> 0:08:51.800 <v Speaker 1>So I do tend to have a rough plan of 0:08:51.800 --> 0:08:54.200 <v Speaker 1>what I'm going to read for a year. I know 0:08:54.280 --> 0:08:55.880 <v Speaker 1>that sounds like a lot. I've been doing it for 0:08:55.920 --> 0:08:58.560 <v Speaker 1>the last three years, and that doesn't mean that I'm 0:08:58.760 --> 0:09:01.000 <v Speaker 1>so First of all, let me tell you my reading 0:09:01.000 --> 0:09:05.440 <v Speaker 1>list making is definitely a testament to my satisficing nature. 0:09:05.840 --> 0:09:09.440 <v Speaker 1>I'm sure it's not like the absolute best curated list 0:09:09.559 --> 0:09:12.640 <v Speaker 1>I could possibly create of the books that were made 0:09:12.679 --> 0:09:14.640 <v Speaker 1>for me to read. But at the same time, if 0:09:14.679 --> 0:09:17.960 <v Speaker 1>I'm reading like a slew of really good books, then 0:09:18.040 --> 0:09:19.880 <v Speaker 1>to me, it doesn't matter if they're like the absolute 0:09:19.920 --> 0:09:22.200 <v Speaker 1>best book I could have found to you know, meet 0:09:22.200 --> 0:09:25.000 <v Speaker 1>some arbitrary goals. So I make these lists, and I 0:09:25.000 --> 0:09:27.240 <v Speaker 1>don't like totally be labor them. I just kind of 0:09:27.280 --> 0:09:29.440 <v Speaker 1>like have a little Apple Notes document and if I 0:09:29.440 --> 0:09:31.079 <v Speaker 1>hear of something, I'll put it on there, and then 0:09:31.080 --> 0:09:35.280 <v Speaker 1>I'll dig deep into Modern Missus, Darcy's Recommendations and some 0:09:35.360 --> 0:09:38.320 <v Speaker 1>other podcasts recommendations that I've been getting into. I've been 0:09:38.320 --> 0:09:40.840 <v Speaker 1>into the ten Things to Tell You podcast lately, and 0:09:40.840 --> 0:09:42.440 <v Speaker 1>then a lot of times she has a lot of 0:09:42.480 --> 0:09:45.400 <v Speaker 1>book wracks that sound fascinating to me, so I've been 0:09:45.440 --> 0:09:47.839 <v Speaker 1>adding some through that, and yeah, I'll have like a 0:09:47.960 --> 0:09:50.040 <v Speaker 1>rough list for the year, and then I change it, 0:09:50.120 --> 0:09:52.280 <v Speaker 1>like I mean, I just added a book, for example, 0:09:52.320 --> 0:09:54.680 <v Speaker 1>for twenty twenty one to my library whole list because 0:09:54.679 --> 0:09:56.440 <v Speaker 1>I had heard it on a podcasts that wasn't originally 0:09:56.480 --> 0:09:58.920 <v Speaker 1>on my list. So it is absolutely a flexible list 0:09:58.960 --> 0:10:01.480 <v Speaker 1>because I do think if you give yourself like a 0:10:02.040 --> 0:10:05.240 <v Speaker 1>very structured reading assignment, like if I was like, Okay, 0:10:05.640 --> 0:10:07.520 <v Speaker 1>the first two weeks of March, I will read this book, 0:10:07.600 --> 0:10:09.280 <v Speaker 1>Like of course I wouldn't want to read that book 0:10:09.280 --> 0:10:11.040 <v Speaker 1>at that time. But it's more like, oh, I have 0:10:11.120 --> 0:10:15.040 <v Speaker 1>a cornucopia of excellent titles to choose from for like 0:10:15.120 --> 0:10:17.400 <v Speaker 1>each quarter, and then I'll like move things around as 0:10:17.400 --> 0:10:18.880 <v Speaker 1>I see fit. But it means that I never have 0:10:19.040 --> 0:10:21.360 <v Speaker 1>a lack of ideas in terms of what to put 0:10:21.360 --> 0:10:22.920 <v Speaker 1>on my list and what to read. And I do 0:10:23.000 --> 0:10:25.000 <v Speaker 1>tend to have a nonfiction and a fiction going at 0:10:25.000 --> 0:10:26.840 <v Speaker 1>the same time because I read those at different times. 0:10:26.920 --> 0:10:29.800 <v Speaker 1>Nonfiction is usually morning and fiction is usually like any 0:10:29.800 --> 0:10:33.640 <v Speaker 1>other time basically. And I also will say that I 0:10:33.720 --> 0:10:38.080 <v Speaker 1>make a point of kind of playing with and keeping 0:10:38.160 --> 0:10:40.520 <v Speaker 1>up to date my library hold list at least monthly, 0:10:40.720 --> 0:10:42.959 <v Speaker 1>usually more often because I'll get text from the library 0:10:43.000 --> 0:10:44.840 <v Speaker 1>that something has come in and that makes me, you know, 0:10:44.880 --> 0:10:46.640 <v Speaker 1>add things or want to change my list or put 0:10:46.760 --> 0:10:48.920 <v Speaker 1>put a hold on hold. As you can do. You 0:10:48.960 --> 0:10:50.520 <v Speaker 1>can get on the wait list and then decide, oh, 0:10:50.559 --> 0:10:52.199 <v Speaker 1>I don't actually want that book soon, and you can 0:10:52.280 --> 0:10:54.600 <v Speaker 1>like freeze the weight list and do all these kinds 0:10:54.640 --> 0:10:57.600 <v Speaker 1>of stuff. So that helps us well. So I typically 0:10:57.640 --> 0:10:59.319 <v Speaker 1>have books coming in, and I have a low threshold 0:10:59.360 --> 0:11:01.600 <v Speaker 1>for buying books, especially if the library doesn't have them 0:11:01.720 --> 0:11:03.960 <v Speaker 1>or I want to read them and they're like you know, 0:11:04.240 --> 0:11:06.760 <v Speaker 1>on person number one hundred in line and just go 0:11:06.800 --> 0:11:09.880 <v Speaker 1>ahead and click through and purchase. I'm a big fan 0:11:09.960 --> 0:11:13.680 <v Speaker 1>of buying books. You should definitely support authors and buy books, 0:11:13.760 --> 0:11:15.800 <v Speaker 1>but the library has to buy it too, so obviously 0:11:15.880 --> 0:11:18.040 <v Speaker 1>you know that's a way too showing that there's a 0:11:18.080 --> 0:11:21.000 <v Speaker 1>high demand. So requesting books from your library is another 0:11:21.040 --> 0:11:23.319 <v Speaker 1>way to support authors. And if they know there's long 0:11:23.400 --> 0:11:26.920 <v Speaker 1>hold lists, they may invest in extra copies. Definitely put 0:11:26.960 --> 0:11:28.280 <v Speaker 1>in a hold. You could put in a hold and 0:11:28.320 --> 0:11:30.120 <v Speaker 1>buy the book if as a way to double support 0:11:30.160 --> 0:11:33.319 <v Speaker 1>an author, that might be something you could do as well. 0:11:33.480 --> 0:11:36.680 <v Speaker 1>Look and see what's interesting coming out. Look at reviews 0:11:36.679 --> 0:11:40.160 <v Speaker 1>on Modern Missus Darcy, the Wall Street Journal's book reviews section. 0:11:41.200 --> 0:11:44.400 <v Speaker 1>You know, people I know have books coming out at 0:11:44.400 --> 0:11:46.720 <v Speaker 1>this point. I've been in not a terrible, not a 0:11:46.760 --> 0:11:49.400 <v Speaker 1>great reading place for a while, but I am reading, 0:11:49.480 --> 0:11:51.360 <v Speaker 1>as we've talked about, a chapter of war and Peace 0:11:51.440 --> 0:11:56.440 <v Speaker 1>every morning. So I have a big fiction thing going 0:11:56.600 --> 0:11:59.400 <v Speaker 1>over the course of the year, and then I'm most 0:11:59.440 --> 0:12:02.520 <v Speaker 1>of the rest of my reading is whatever nonfiction book 0:12:02.720 --> 0:12:07.200 <v Speaker 1>has caught my attention as of late. So I've recently 0:12:07.240 --> 0:12:11.560 <v Speaker 1>read Just Lahy her new book, The Addiction Inoculation, which 0:12:11.600 --> 0:12:14.040 <v Speaker 1>is fascinating. Some of our listeners might want to check 0:12:14.120 --> 0:12:17.719 <v Speaker 1>that out. She's a friend of kJ who's been on 0:12:17.760 --> 0:12:20.400 <v Speaker 1>the podcast a lot too. They have a podcast called 0:12:20.400 --> 0:12:24.400 <v Speaker 1>am Writing Together. But Jess talks about her you know, 0:12:24.760 --> 0:12:28.160 <v Speaker 1>recovery from alcoholism and this genetic history of hers that 0:12:28.200 --> 0:12:30.960 <v Speaker 1>she's done trying to not pass along to her sons. 0:12:30.960 --> 0:12:32.920 <v Speaker 1>I mean, obviously the genetics you can't help, but to 0:12:33.200 --> 0:12:36.240 <v Speaker 1>how can you keep kids who have this history from 0:12:36.360 --> 0:12:39.360 <v Speaker 1>becoming addicts and self fascinating stuff? Anyway, So that's what 0:12:39.440 --> 0:12:43.360 <v Speaker 1>I was reading the other day. So that does sound fascinating. Cool. Well, 0:12:43.360 --> 0:12:45.839 <v Speaker 1>shall we take a short ad break? Yes, yeah, take 0:12:45.840 --> 0:12:47.360 <v Speaker 1>a short ad break and we will be back in 0:12:47.440 --> 0:13:02.200 <v Speaker 1>just a minute. Well, we are back with an all 0:13:02.280 --> 0:13:06.319 <v Speaker 1>mail bag episode taking listener questions. This one came in 0:13:06.440 --> 0:13:11.160 <v Speaker 1>through Instagram. How do you navigate gifts from grandparents? I 0:13:11.160 --> 0:13:14.160 <v Speaker 1>don't want lots of stuff, but don't want to upset them? 0:13:14.240 --> 0:13:16.520 <v Speaker 1>All right, Well, Sarah, you have you have thoughts on this. 0:13:17.559 --> 0:13:21.120 <v Speaker 1>I consider myself pretty lucky in this regard in that 0:13:22.120 --> 0:13:25.600 <v Speaker 1>I think both sets of grandparents are cognizant of the 0:13:25.679 --> 0:13:29.000 <v Speaker 1>fact that I don't want o flew of random stuff 0:13:29.040 --> 0:13:31.880 <v Speaker 1>cluttering the house, although we do, I mean we totally do, 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:33.720 <v Speaker 1>by the way. Just don't get any idea that we 0:13:33.760 --> 0:13:35.840 <v Speaker 1>have this like uncluttered house, but just I guess not 0:13:35.880 --> 0:13:39.920 <v Speaker 1>to add to it supremely. And so they typically ask 0:13:40.080 --> 0:13:43.720 <v Speaker 1>and I don't know if I started like, I don't 0:13:43.720 --> 0:13:45.800 <v Speaker 1>know if I somehow who knows. Maybe it's just that 0:13:45.800 --> 0:13:48.400 <v Speaker 1>they listen to the podcast and read the blog. I 0:13:48.400 --> 0:13:50.680 <v Speaker 1>don't know that that's a strategy for everyone, but I 0:13:50.679 --> 0:13:54.240 <v Speaker 1>think you can make it known that you are, you know, 0:13:54.440 --> 0:13:58.040 <v Speaker 1>trying to reduce you have tons of plastic toys, for example, 0:13:58.160 --> 0:14:00.559 <v Speaker 1>or like you don't need any more Legos or whatever 0:14:00.600 --> 0:14:04.480 <v Speaker 1>the thing is, and you can provide suggestions because a 0:14:04.480 --> 0:14:07.360 <v Speaker 1>lot of times all grandparents want is to delight kids. 0:14:07.480 --> 0:14:11.680 <v Speaker 1>And if you say, hey, my kids love to have 0:14:11.800 --> 0:14:14.400 <v Speaker 1>a museum membership and you could take them like that 0:14:14.440 --> 0:14:18.880 <v Speaker 1>would be a wonderful grandparent gift, or even something like 0:14:18.960 --> 0:14:21.560 <v Speaker 1>some kind of digital membership. These days, there's a lot 0:14:21.560 --> 0:14:23.720 <v Speaker 1>of gaming things if you don't want stuff and you 0:14:24.080 --> 0:14:27.880 <v Speaker 1>want more technological stuff, or we have gone to like 0:14:28.120 --> 0:14:30.000 <v Speaker 1>the Doodle Crate, which is like the art version of 0:14:30.000 --> 0:14:31.680 <v Speaker 1>the Kiwi Crate, which it does sound like a lot 0:14:31.680 --> 0:14:33.400 <v Speaker 1>of stuff because they're shipping stuff your house, but it's 0:14:33.400 --> 0:14:36.520 <v Speaker 1>all kind of like consumable stuff, like once you've completed 0:14:36.560 --> 0:14:39.040 <v Speaker 1>the project, then it's done and it's not taking them 0:14:39.080 --> 0:14:41.000 <v Speaker 1>space in your house. And I ask for those things 0:14:41.040 --> 0:14:43.760 <v Speaker 1>like when I'm asked what the kids want, I ask, 0:14:43.920 --> 0:14:46.440 <v Speaker 1>or I even volunteer, like, hey, if you need ideas 0:14:46.440 --> 0:14:49.680 <v Speaker 1>for X, Y or Z's birthday, they've been talking about this, 0:14:49.680 --> 0:14:51.320 <v Speaker 1>this or this. So I think the more that you 0:14:52.120 --> 0:14:54.760 <v Speaker 1>kind of in a positive way shape what you are 0:14:54.800 --> 0:14:58.760 <v Speaker 1>interested in getting, the more that should hopefully help prevent 0:14:58.800 --> 0:15:00.960 <v Speaker 1>a deluge. And I think in the the worst case scenario, 0:15:01.560 --> 0:15:04.600 <v Speaker 1>you can always keep something for a short amount of time. 0:15:05.360 --> 0:15:08.160 <v Speaker 1>You don't have to necessarily keep something forever just because 0:15:08.200 --> 0:15:10.960 <v Speaker 1>it's been gifted to you. You could regift it to 0:15:11.040 --> 0:15:13.120 <v Speaker 1>somebody else after a month of use, if it's taking 0:15:13.160 --> 0:15:16.480 <v Speaker 1>up half of your playroom or something like that. Yeah, 0:15:16.560 --> 0:15:19.080 <v Speaker 1>I would also say that. I mean, sometimes people get 0:15:19.120 --> 0:15:23.040 <v Speaker 1>a little bit overly obsessed with having zero clutter and 0:15:23.160 --> 0:15:26.560 <v Speaker 1>zero stuff, and I think that's an impossible goal when 0:15:26.560 --> 0:15:30.000 <v Speaker 1>you have small kids. I mean, I don't know what 0:15:30.160 --> 0:15:33.760 <v Speaker 1>exactly this person's threshold is, but you know, I had 0:15:34.040 --> 0:15:37.040 <v Speaker 1>a question on Instagram recently if somebody was like, oh, 0:15:37.080 --> 0:15:39.080 <v Speaker 1>I'd love to do puzzles with my kids, but I 0:15:39.080 --> 0:15:42.880 <v Speaker 1>don't want stuff in the house, And I'm like, uh, 0:15:42.960 --> 0:15:45.080 <v Speaker 1>they didn't want to have any puzzles or legos in 0:15:45.120 --> 0:15:46.760 <v Speaker 1>the house that they would do as a fun activity 0:15:46.760 --> 0:15:48.800 <v Speaker 1>with their kids because it might be stuff. I mean, 0:15:48.840 --> 0:15:52.600 <v Speaker 1>it's just I'm sorry, have your fun, Let the kids 0:15:52.600 --> 0:15:55.680 <v Speaker 1>have their fun. You deal with the clutter later. If 0:15:55.760 --> 0:15:57.480 <v Speaker 1>you want a house that's going to look like a 0:15:57.520 --> 0:16:00.600 <v Speaker 1>magazine like, you know, I'm sorry, it's just going to 0:16:00.720 --> 0:16:04.360 <v Speaker 1>not happen until the kids are older. And I think 0:16:04.440 --> 0:16:06.560 <v Speaker 1>we need to learn to let go a little bit 0:16:06.600 --> 0:16:08.160 <v Speaker 1>and be okay with that. Now. I'm not saying that 0:16:08.160 --> 0:16:10.200 <v Speaker 1>if you live in an eight hundred square foot apartment 0:16:10.640 --> 0:16:14.400 <v Speaker 1>and your grandparents get you this, you know, giant like 0:16:15.280 --> 0:16:18.360 <v Speaker 1>three set Barbie castle, like three Barbie castles in a 0:16:18.440 --> 0:16:21.760 <v Speaker 1>row or something like that, that might be problematic. But 0:16:22.800 --> 0:16:25.800 <v Speaker 1>you know, I think at least leaving yourself open to 0:16:25.840 --> 0:16:28.640 <v Speaker 1>a little bit of stuff is okay. And as Sarah said, 0:16:28.640 --> 0:16:31.840 <v Speaker 1>you can move it out after a while, after the 0:16:31.920 --> 0:16:33.640 <v Speaker 1>kids have played with it, if you want to move 0:16:33.640 --> 0:16:36.360 <v Speaker 1>on to something else. I think it's only the people 0:16:36.400 --> 0:16:38.760 <v Speaker 1>who like either haven't had kids or just have one 0:16:38.800 --> 0:16:40.840 <v Speaker 1>eight month old that have the fantasy of no stuff. 0:16:40.880 --> 0:16:45.400 <v Speaker 1>Like I think I had that fantasy, but it's untenable. 0:16:45.520 --> 0:16:48.760 <v Speaker 1>It's untenable. I would like to hear from someone I 0:16:48.760 --> 0:16:53.720 <v Speaker 1>don't know, well, maybe and it's okay, yeah, it's okay. No, 0:16:53.840 --> 0:16:55.720 <v Speaker 1>I mean I would say, like, don't not do puzzles 0:16:55.760 --> 0:16:57.640 <v Speaker 1>with your kids. Because the puzzle will be there. Like, 0:16:57.720 --> 0:17:00.560 <v Speaker 1>don't not build a lego set with your you know, preteen, 0:17:00.680 --> 0:17:04.000 <v Speaker 1>because then the legos will be there. This just seems 0:17:04.040 --> 0:17:07.520 <v Speaker 1>like a you know, strange way to organize your life 0:17:07.520 --> 0:17:10.240 <v Speaker 1>that you're so into not having clutter that you wouldn't 0:17:10.280 --> 0:17:14.600 <v Speaker 1>do things. I don't know anyway, Sarah, what tasks do 0:17:14.640 --> 0:17:17.719 <v Speaker 1>you find become equal with your partner most easily? And 0:17:17.840 --> 0:17:20.080 <v Speaker 1>as a sort of corollary to that that, I'm adding, 0:17:20.119 --> 0:17:22.440 <v Speaker 1>what are the things that you think are our hardest 0:17:22.480 --> 0:17:25.520 <v Speaker 1>to make equal or shouldn't be equal? I guess because 0:17:25.600 --> 0:17:28.159 <v Speaker 1>not everything has to be. I think the question was, 0:17:28.280 --> 0:17:30.280 <v Speaker 1>and this is probably my fault, what is the most 0:17:30.359 --> 0:17:32.399 <v Speaker 1>likely to become unequal? But I think we should answer 0:17:32.440 --> 0:17:35.480 <v Speaker 1>in the positive way. Okay, first, perhaps I don't know. 0:17:36.000 --> 0:17:38.639 <v Speaker 1>I always feel like when there's a very clear delineation 0:17:38.680 --> 0:17:41.720 <v Speaker 1>of I'm doing this and you're doing that, that that helps. 0:17:42.240 --> 0:17:44.639 <v Speaker 1>Like recently, our kids were going to do ice skating 0:17:44.720 --> 0:17:46.560 <v Speaker 1>and I was just and there was like an issue 0:17:46.560 --> 0:17:49.520 <v Speaker 1>where like we had to we had credit sort of 0:17:49.600 --> 0:17:51.720 <v Speaker 1>and I am like the kind of person who hates 0:17:52.000 --> 0:17:54.560 <v Speaker 1>asking for stuff from businesses, and my husband's like, well, 0:17:54.560 --> 0:17:56.320 <v Speaker 1>why it was a birthday party we didn't do. And 0:17:56.359 --> 0:17:59.800 <v Speaker 1>I'm like, great, you are totally in charge of ice skating. 0:17:59.800 --> 0:18:02.119 <v Speaker 1>Now I don't want anything to do with it, like 0:18:02.640 --> 0:18:04.280 <v Speaker 1>you call them, you work with them, whatever, And he 0:18:04.600 --> 0:18:07.680 <v Speaker 1>did it like it's fine, and of course he's always right. 0:18:07.720 --> 0:18:10.240 <v Speaker 1>They were like, oh, we're happy to you know, accommedy 0:18:10.320 --> 0:18:13.360 <v Speaker 1>your credit or whatever. But I just hate doing that anyway. Sorry, 0:18:13.359 --> 0:18:15.320 <v Speaker 1>that's a total digression, but I think that it helped that. 0:18:15.359 --> 0:18:17.200 <v Speaker 1>It wasn't like, oh, well you call and then I'll 0:18:17.200 --> 0:18:19.399 <v Speaker 1>do this. It was like, you're in charge of that. 0:18:19.480 --> 0:18:21.640 <v Speaker 1>And I think about like your kids and doctor's appointments. 0:18:21.640 --> 0:18:25.160 <v Speaker 1>I remember your husband typically well it's yeah, that's sort 0:18:25.160 --> 0:18:27.040 <v Speaker 1>of a mix. I mean with five, there's just a 0:18:27.080 --> 0:18:29.600 <v Speaker 1>lot of them who we have split them at different points, 0:18:29.640 --> 0:18:31.360 <v Speaker 1>like you know, having two kids go at one point 0:18:31.359 --> 0:18:33.440 <v Speaker 1>and he'll take that and two at another and I'll 0:18:33.440 --> 0:18:35.719 <v Speaker 1>take that. He tends to be more in charge of 0:18:35.800 --> 0:18:41.560 <v Speaker 1>dental related stuff, possibly because I would massively fall down 0:18:41.600 --> 0:18:45.680 <v Speaker 1>on the job. I have perhaps lower dental standards than 0:18:45.720 --> 0:18:50.280 <v Speaker 1>he does. So, for instance, Ruth, he's in charge of orthodontia. 0:18:50.440 --> 0:18:53.680 <v Speaker 1>Ruth has an expander. Now I don't even know how 0:18:53.720 --> 0:18:55.960 <v Speaker 1>to do it. He's been doing it every night. Now. 0:18:56.000 --> 0:18:59.280 <v Speaker 1>Of course that works because we're in a period of 0:18:59.280 --> 0:19:02.720 <v Speaker 1>time where we still work from home. But you know, again, 0:19:02.760 --> 0:19:05.360 <v Speaker 1>it's like when one person has totally different standards from another. 0:19:05.400 --> 0:19:06.879 <v Speaker 1>I guess she was sort of obvious. But he's like, well, 0:19:06.880 --> 0:19:09.280 <v Speaker 1>I want to take Sam in to, you know, get 0:19:09.320 --> 0:19:11.879 <v Speaker 1>him evaluated, because I think his lower teeth are crooked. 0:19:11.880 --> 0:19:14.399 <v Speaker 1>And I'm like, who cares if your lower teeth are crooked? 0:19:14.400 --> 0:19:16.679 <v Speaker 1>No one sees them anyway, I wouldn't have brought him in. 0:19:17.280 --> 0:19:20.520 <v Speaker 1>And so he's like, if it's a situation like that, 0:19:21.480 --> 0:19:25.320 <v Speaker 1>the party who cares more should probably do it. If 0:19:25.320 --> 0:19:28.800 <v Speaker 1>you evaluate the various spheres of life, you may find 0:19:28.880 --> 0:19:31.520 <v Speaker 1>out that there are certain things that one of you 0:19:31.640 --> 0:19:34.480 <v Speaker 1>cares more about than the other, you know, and some 0:19:34.560 --> 0:19:39.000 <v Speaker 1>of it obviously is gonna split probably stereotypical gender lines. 0:19:39.040 --> 0:19:40.760 <v Speaker 1>Like my husband tends to do more of the home 0:19:40.800 --> 0:19:43.639 <v Speaker 1>repair stuff. He's like, well, we I called the you know, 0:19:43.720 --> 0:19:45.680 <v Speaker 1>AC guys to get them to come in to service it. 0:19:45.720 --> 0:19:49.399 <v Speaker 1>And I'm like, oh, that, yes, that, But you know, 0:19:49.440 --> 0:19:52.359 <v Speaker 1>then there's other stuff that like I'm pretty sure the 0:19:52.400 --> 0:19:56.760 <v Speaker 1>summer camp spreadsheet would not happen if it were not 0:19:57.040 --> 0:20:01.479 <v Speaker 1>me doing it. One thing that we have bound works 0:20:01.520 --> 0:20:04.119 <v Speaker 1>well is to also divide based on energy. So I 0:20:04.160 --> 0:20:07.320 <v Speaker 1>am basically terrible at night. I mean, when he's not here, 0:20:07.520 --> 0:20:10.280 <v Speaker 1>I by default have to handle it. And oddly I 0:20:10.280 --> 0:20:12.320 <v Speaker 1>think the kids know I'm terrible and kind of humor 0:20:12.359 --> 0:20:14.760 <v Speaker 1>me a little bit, so that helps. But when he 0:20:14.960 --> 0:20:16.920 <v Speaker 1>is here, he tends to put the kids to bed, 0:20:16.960 --> 0:20:19.199 <v Speaker 1>he deals with any shenanigans of kids getting out of 0:20:19.240 --> 0:20:21.679 <v Speaker 1>bed like he just knows my tolerance for that is 0:20:21.760 --> 0:20:26.119 <v Speaker 1>so bad that he just kind of does it. So 0:20:26.200 --> 0:20:28.640 <v Speaker 1>that is one also, I say, I would say positive 0:20:28.680 --> 0:20:31.040 <v Speaker 1>one that takes advantage of kind of natural differences in 0:20:31.080 --> 0:20:34.840 <v Speaker 1>our energy level at that time of day. Yeah, I'm 0:20:34.880 --> 0:20:39.040 <v Speaker 1>trying to split the sleep disruptions more evenly right now, 0:20:39.080 --> 0:20:42.280 <v Speaker 1>having some challenges with it. Although you know what I'll do, 0:20:42.359 --> 0:20:44.080 <v Speaker 1>I'll go sleep in the guest room. And so then 0:20:44.119 --> 0:20:47.160 <v Speaker 1>Michael is in the room with Henry in the closet. 0:20:47.359 --> 0:20:52.960 <v Speaker 1>Right some nights, but I would love to sleep past six. 0:20:53.040 --> 0:20:54.720 <v Speaker 1>And so last night I was in the gas room 0:20:54.760 --> 0:20:58.200 <v Speaker 1>and I'm like, please give me till six, And so 0:20:58.240 --> 0:21:01.680 <v Speaker 1>they appear in my room and he's like, no, it's 0:21:01.720 --> 0:21:03.240 <v Speaker 1>morning and he has to be the baby. And then 0:21:03.280 --> 0:21:04.960 <v Speaker 1>I was like, let me just go look at the clock. 0:21:06.160 --> 0:21:09.080 <v Speaker 1>It was it was five forty five, so it was close, 0:21:09.359 --> 0:21:13.240 <v Speaker 1>but it was not six. I was just like, come on, like, 0:21:13.320 --> 0:21:18.320 <v Speaker 1>couldn't go fifteen minutes? Two more minutes. I do feel 0:21:18.320 --> 0:21:20.800 <v Speaker 1>like and this since the asker did ask about what 0:21:20.880 --> 0:21:24.480 <v Speaker 1>quickly becomes unequal, unfortunately I always felt like, and this 0:21:24.600 --> 0:21:26.680 <v Speaker 1>is not his fault, but I felt like baby care 0:21:27.000 --> 0:21:30.520 <v Speaker 1>was just typically where we would fall apart, partly because 0:21:31.080 --> 0:21:34.359 <v Speaker 1>you know, if you are nursing and that is the 0:21:34.400 --> 0:21:38.800 <v Speaker 1>most easy, kind of reliable way to soothe your baby, 0:21:39.000 --> 0:21:42.080 <v Speaker 1>then only one person's able to do that, and then 0:21:42.520 --> 0:21:45.840 <v Speaker 1>sometimes that just sort of extends over to like you 0:21:45.960 --> 0:21:48.199 <v Speaker 1>just end up being the baby wrangler. So there have 0:21:48.240 --> 0:21:50.199 <v Speaker 1>been times when I have had to say, like, and 0:21:50.280 --> 0:21:52.600 <v Speaker 1>this is more applicable when our kids were younger, but 0:21:52.680 --> 0:21:54.840 <v Speaker 1>I would just be like, I have been with the 0:21:54.920 --> 0:21:57.840 <v Speaker 1>one year old the entire day, and you've been doing 0:21:57.920 --> 0:21:59.919 <v Speaker 1>fun stuff with the big kids, and we need to 0:22:00.119 --> 0:22:03.080 <v Speaker 1>like consciously trade. And then he does and he's like, oh, yeah, 0:22:03.080 --> 0:22:05.280 <v Speaker 1>you're right, But I think that would be a natural 0:22:05.320 --> 0:22:08.639 <v Speaker 1>one where we tend to kind of fall apart, and 0:22:08.640 --> 0:22:10.920 <v Speaker 1>that's not our intention, but it just kind of happens, 0:22:11.200 --> 0:22:14.600 <v Speaker 1>or it used to happen exactly. But you know, having 0:22:14.680 --> 0:22:17.680 <v Speaker 1>discussions about it always good. I mean, obviously this could 0:22:17.680 --> 0:22:20.280 <v Speaker 1>be a topic of a whole episode, but you know, 0:22:20.480 --> 0:22:24.600 <v Speaker 1>I think in general, making sure that you are aware 0:22:24.640 --> 0:22:27.200 <v Speaker 1>also of what your partner is doing, because this does 0:22:27.280 --> 0:22:30.680 <v Speaker 1>happen sometimes. As you know, our past guest Tiffany Doufu 0:22:31.080 --> 0:22:33.359 <v Speaker 1>talked about in her book that she and her husband 0:22:33.359 --> 0:22:35.000 <v Speaker 1>made the list of the things that she were doing. 0:22:35.080 --> 0:22:36.880 <v Speaker 1>You know, she'd made the list first, and it's like, oh, 0:22:36.880 --> 0:22:38.640 <v Speaker 1>I'm doing fifty things and you're doing too, and it's 0:22:38.640 --> 0:22:40.560 <v Speaker 1>been like, well, he could list fifty things that she 0:22:40.600 --> 0:22:43.679 <v Speaker 1>hadn't even thought of, and so it was you know, 0:22:44.080 --> 0:22:46.240 <v Speaker 1>there are there are things that happen like our bike 0:22:46.320 --> 0:22:50.199 <v Speaker 1>tires get you know, inflated, balls get inflated. You know, 0:22:50.359 --> 0:22:53.439 <v Speaker 1>plants appear in the backyard. Like these are just things 0:22:53.920 --> 0:22:57.080 <v Speaker 1>that happen and I don't even think about it. And 0:22:57.119 --> 0:23:00.000 <v Speaker 1>so you know I could then say like, oh, well, god, 0:23:00.280 --> 0:23:02.080 <v Speaker 1>you know, why was I up at five forty five 0:23:02.119 --> 0:23:03.679 <v Speaker 1>instead of six? I mean, I think it's because he 0:23:03.720 --> 0:23:05.440 <v Speaker 1>was up since four, like he was up with the 0:23:05.440 --> 0:23:07.640 <v Speaker 1>baby since four gave him to me at five forty five, 0:23:07.760 --> 0:23:10.560 <v Speaker 1>like apparently, you know we gave them to that, but 0:23:11.200 --> 0:23:13.439 <v Speaker 1>it was you know, it's just you want to make 0:23:13.480 --> 0:23:17.320 <v Speaker 1>sure that before you think things are terribly unequal, you 0:23:17.359 --> 0:23:19.959 <v Speaker 1>take a good look at what is really happening and 0:23:20.000 --> 0:23:23.040 <v Speaker 1>see what they think might be unequal too. And I'm 0:23:23.040 --> 0:23:25.120 <v Speaker 1>glad you mentioned dropped the ball. That is my favorite 0:23:25.119 --> 0:23:28.000 <v Speaker 1>Division of Labor parent book, I think because you can 0:23:28.040 --> 0:23:30.560 <v Speaker 1>hear the love and their relationship as she talks about it, 0:23:31.119 --> 0:23:33.080 <v Speaker 1>and it has a certain playfulness, but at the same 0:23:33.119 --> 0:23:35.760 <v Speaker 1>time it's like really powerful. So you should have your 0:23:35.760 --> 0:23:39.520 <v Speaker 1>partner and yourself read that. Apparently in their case, he 0:23:39.600 --> 0:23:41.280 <v Speaker 1>was the one getting up with their baby all the time, 0:23:41.359 --> 0:23:45.520 <v Speaker 1>like she slept really deeply. So there you go, splits 0:23:45.520 --> 0:23:48.919 <v Speaker 1>differently different ways, all right. So our next question is 0:23:50.200 --> 0:23:55.159 <v Speaker 1>navigating the transition from one to two kids. So Sarah 0:23:55.200 --> 0:23:57.720 <v Speaker 1>was joking about this. We have a particular they're sort 0:23:57.720 --> 0:24:00.840 <v Speaker 1>of ongoing best of both worlds jokes, and we always 0:24:00.960 --> 0:24:03.840 <v Speaker 1>laugh about fathers who make the joke whenever their kid 0:24:03.920 --> 0:24:05.719 <v Speaker 1>they're going from two to three of like, oh well, 0:24:05.760 --> 0:24:08.720 <v Speaker 1>we're going from man to man. To zone defense. It's like, well, 0:24:09.320 --> 0:24:12.440 <v Speaker 1>that implies that you never had both two kids on 0:24:12.480 --> 0:24:17.080 <v Speaker 1>your own ever, because if you ever say that, you 0:24:17.080 --> 0:24:20.760 <v Speaker 1>were already doing zone defense, right, like, so like, thank 0:24:20.800 --> 0:24:23.359 <v Speaker 1>you for sharing with us that you have never had 0:24:23.400 --> 0:24:26.879 <v Speaker 1>your two children to yourself. But okay, yeah, so you 0:24:26.920 --> 0:24:29.520 <v Speaker 1>could make that joke. I love it. I love it. It 0:24:29.240 --> 0:24:32.479 <v Speaker 1>It is a best of both worlds trope or something 0:24:32.720 --> 0:24:36.800 <v Speaker 1>to have a little bit of snark about that particular statement. 0:24:36.840 --> 0:24:40.040 <v Speaker 1>So yes, I agree, I do feel like so, you know, 0:24:40.280 --> 0:24:42.119 <v Speaker 1>Laura wrote, oh, we could talk about two to three 0:24:42.200 --> 0:24:43.640 <v Speaker 1>or three to four or four to five. I'm like, well, 0:24:43.880 --> 0:24:46.439 <v Speaker 1>I don't know the latter couple of those, but I 0:24:46.480 --> 0:24:49.600 <v Speaker 1>found zero to one the hardest by far, because all 0:24:49.600 --> 0:24:51.800 <v Speaker 1>of a sudden, your life is not about you. It's 0:24:51.800 --> 0:24:55.719 <v Speaker 1>about many other things. And one to two the second hardest, 0:24:55.760 --> 0:24:58.040 <v Speaker 1>and two to three the third hardest. So maybe it 0:24:58.040 --> 0:24:59.919 <v Speaker 1>does keep getting eat Maybe the answers just have lu 0:25:00.119 --> 0:25:02.560 <v Speaker 1>and lots of kids it don't get easier. But actually, 0:25:02.600 --> 0:25:05.800 <v Speaker 1>to me, there's a really big difference between adding a 0:25:05.880 --> 0:25:07.760 <v Speaker 1>child when you have like a three or four year 0:25:07.760 --> 0:25:09.360 <v Speaker 1>old and then adding a child when you have say 0:25:09.400 --> 0:25:11.400 <v Speaker 1>like an eighteen month old or a twenty month old. 0:25:12.119 --> 0:25:14.760 <v Speaker 1>I did just say, give yourself a break if you 0:25:14.800 --> 0:25:16.399 <v Speaker 1>were going to have a baby and toddler, and know 0:25:16.440 --> 0:25:18.600 <v Speaker 1>that that time period is short because your toddler is 0:25:18.640 --> 0:25:20.560 <v Speaker 1>quickly going to age out to preschooler and things will 0:25:20.560 --> 0:25:22.920 <v Speaker 1>get a little bit better and then your baby will 0:25:22.920 --> 0:25:24.760 <v Speaker 1>be a toddler. You won't have a screaming new bore 0:25:24.880 --> 0:25:27.920 <v Speaker 1>like things are going to get better, but hire the help, 0:25:28.720 --> 0:25:31.119 <v Speaker 1>give yourself a break. Don't expect that things are going 0:25:31.160 --> 0:25:33.320 <v Speaker 1>to be perfect or easy. Like I personally found that 0:25:33.359 --> 0:25:35.760 <v Speaker 1>to be a very challenging time. And it wasn't the 0:25:35.800 --> 0:25:39.000 <v Speaker 1>two kids particularly, it was twenty two month old and 0:25:39.119 --> 0:25:41.800 <v Speaker 1>zero year old, or like twenty six month old and 0:25:42.440 --> 0:25:45.320 <v Speaker 1>six month old or whatever you know we had. So again, 0:25:45.359 --> 0:25:47.600 <v Speaker 1>the age spacing is going to play a role, and 0:25:48.080 --> 0:25:50.000 <v Speaker 1>know that that's going to be temporary because they're not 0:25:50.040 --> 0:25:53.639 <v Speaker 1>going to stay both tiny babies and toddlers forever. And 0:25:53.720 --> 0:25:56.359 <v Speaker 1>that is the time to ask for help, whether that 0:25:56.480 --> 0:26:01.160 <v Speaker 1>is from friends, family members, or people that you employ. Yeah, 0:26:01.240 --> 0:26:03.000 <v Speaker 1>I mean, I would say I don't even really have 0:26:03.040 --> 0:26:07.120 <v Speaker 1>any many memories of when Jasper was for Sam had 0:26:07.160 --> 0:26:08.919 <v Speaker 1>just turned two and Ruth was a baby. I mean 0:26:08.960 --> 0:26:12.480 <v Speaker 1>I clearly that time happened, but it was just a 0:26:13.160 --> 0:26:15.400 <v Speaker 1>you know, you get through it one way or the other, 0:26:15.680 --> 0:26:18.760 <v Speaker 1>and to recognize that that is probably not going to 0:26:18.800 --> 0:26:23.159 <v Speaker 1>be your most relaxing period of life. And if you have, 0:26:23.280 --> 0:26:25.600 <v Speaker 1>for instance, two under two or two under three, two 0:26:25.680 --> 0:26:27.239 <v Speaker 1>under two and a half, whatever, I mean, these are 0:26:27.480 --> 0:26:30.840 <v Speaker 1>these are just really really challenging times. Yeah, the baby 0:26:30.960 --> 0:26:33.040 <v Speaker 1>is actually you can put the baby down and like, 0:26:33.359 --> 0:26:35.200 <v Speaker 1>especially if the baby isn't mobile, they're not going to 0:26:35.240 --> 0:26:36.840 <v Speaker 1>go anywhere, like they're not going to get into trouble, 0:26:36.920 --> 0:26:39.320 <v Speaker 1>So you might be better off focusing on your two 0:26:39.400 --> 0:26:43.080 <v Speaker 1>year old at that point and you know, viewing that 0:26:43.080 --> 0:26:47.000 <v Speaker 1>that is the more mediate pressing issue and the baby 0:26:47.040 --> 0:26:50.480 <v Speaker 1>will then command more time later in life when that's happened, 0:26:50.560 --> 0:26:52.919 <v Speaker 1>and get very good at like nursing while walking around. 0:26:53.560 --> 0:26:56.359 <v Speaker 1>That was my other thing. Like you have this nice 0:26:56.359 --> 0:26:59.040 <v Speaker 1>idea of people with first time children. They're like, I'm 0:26:59.119 --> 0:27:01.359 <v Speaker 1>in my chair with my feet propped up and my 0:27:01.640 --> 0:27:04.480 <v Speaker 1>pillow and my you know, water on one side and 0:27:04.520 --> 0:27:06.720 <v Speaker 1>the stop watch so I know how long I'm on 0:27:06.760 --> 0:27:08.840 <v Speaker 1>each side. And then it's like when you have a 0:27:08.880 --> 0:27:11.760 <v Speaker 1>second kid, you're just like I am cooking dinner and 0:27:11.800 --> 0:27:14.520 <v Speaker 1>watching a toddler while nursing. So just like run with that, 0:27:15.320 --> 0:27:17.919 <v Speaker 1>you get very good at it. I don't think I 0:27:17.920 --> 0:27:21.879 <v Speaker 1>could ever do that, but yes, that sounds awesome. But 0:27:22.000 --> 0:27:23.639 <v Speaker 1>I did a lot of sit on the floor and 0:27:23.640 --> 0:27:27.239 <v Speaker 1>play with toddler while nursing. Yes, exactly. And you can 0:27:27.240 --> 0:27:30.159 <v Speaker 1>always ignore the little tiny one for a brief period 0:27:30.200 --> 0:27:33.800 <v Speaker 1>because they're not going to remember true, true, whereas the 0:27:33.800 --> 0:27:37.000 <v Speaker 1>bigger one is all right, Sarah. So this next question 0:27:37.080 --> 0:27:40.119 <v Speaker 1>is particularly for you. How do you save energy for 0:27:40.240 --> 0:27:43.320 <v Speaker 1>after kid bedtime? This person says, I'm so often falling 0:27:43.359 --> 0:27:47.760 <v Speaker 1>asleep and get nothing done. Is it for me? Because 0:27:47.760 --> 0:27:50.320 <v Speaker 1>I don't have any good answer to this, I think 0:27:50.320 --> 0:27:54.920 <v Speaker 1>it's for you. You're more likely to actually, well, yes, okay, 0:27:54.960 --> 0:27:57.520 <v Speaker 1>I will. I will just say that I don't have 0:27:57.600 --> 0:27:59.480 <v Speaker 1>a great answer for this because I don't have a 0:27:59.480 --> 0:28:03.760 <v Speaker 1>lot of energy after kid bedtime. I set my sights 0:28:03.800 --> 0:28:06.120 <v Speaker 1>really low in terms of how much I am going 0:28:06.160 --> 0:28:09.920 <v Speaker 1>to do or experience. If I get thirty to sixty 0:28:09.960 --> 0:28:13.439 <v Speaker 1>minutes to either read or hang out with my husband, 0:28:13.480 --> 0:28:15.959 <v Speaker 1>then that is a win. I do get more on 0:28:16.040 --> 0:28:18.600 <v Speaker 1>weekends because I tend to sleep in, and then I'm 0:28:18.800 --> 0:28:21.200 <v Speaker 1>less tired. But you know, the flip side of getting 0:28:21.280 --> 0:28:23.600 <v Speaker 1>up early is you can't then stay up till midnight. 0:28:23.640 --> 0:28:26.359 <v Speaker 1>I mean maybe some people can, but I definitely cannot. 0:28:26.600 --> 0:28:28.840 <v Speaker 1>So I'm usually in bed by nine thirty to ten, 0:28:29.400 --> 0:28:31.080 <v Speaker 1>and my kids go to bed at like eight thirty 0:28:31.119 --> 0:28:33.199 <v Speaker 1>to nine. So you do the math. There's not a 0:28:33.240 --> 0:28:35.000 <v Speaker 1>lot of window in there, and you can imagine that's 0:28:35.040 --> 0:28:38.520 <v Speaker 1>not a super high energy window either, So I think 0:28:38.520 --> 0:28:40.960 <v Speaker 1>it's okay if that's not a time you get a 0:28:41.000 --> 0:28:43.920 <v Speaker 1>lot done. I think being realistic and knowing that, you 0:28:44.000 --> 0:28:46.080 <v Speaker 1>know what, that's my thirty minutes of wine down time. 0:28:46.760 --> 0:28:49.600 <v Speaker 1>If that's all you really have, then then maybe that's okay. 0:28:49.720 --> 0:28:54.000 <v Speaker 1>Maybe that's your quote unquote season right now. Yeah. Well, 0:28:54.040 --> 0:28:57.880 <v Speaker 1>and Sarah Sarah has chosen to put her personal time 0:28:58.080 --> 0:29:00.400 <v Speaker 1>in the early morning, which is an option like if 0:29:00.400 --> 0:29:03.280 <v Speaker 1>you don't have any energy at the end of the day, 0:29:03.480 --> 0:29:05.920 <v Speaker 1>but you do in the morning, then consciously use the 0:29:05.920 --> 0:29:08.240 <v Speaker 1>morning as me time, Like you don't have to only 0:29:08.320 --> 0:29:10.920 <v Speaker 1>do me time at night after your kids go to bed. 0:29:11.000 --> 0:29:13.719 <v Speaker 1>I mean, it's obviously convenient time for it for many people, 0:29:13.800 --> 0:29:16.360 <v Speaker 1>but you may in fact have the energy to do 0:29:16.760 --> 0:29:20.040 <v Speaker 1>sort of more effortful things in the morning, like Sarah 0:29:20.080 --> 0:29:23.000 <v Speaker 1>doing her workout in the morning, doing her blog writing, 0:29:23.120 --> 0:29:25.280 <v Speaker 1>doing some reading in the morning, doing your meditation the 0:29:25.280 --> 0:29:28.840 <v Speaker 1>way we could listen through Sarah's extensive morning routine. You know, 0:29:28.880 --> 0:29:30.880 <v Speaker 1>that's all stuff that would for many people be a 0:29:30.920 --> 0:29:33.360 <v Speaker 1>lot harder to do at night. Like what we do 0:29:33.400 --> 0:29:35.160 <v Speaker 1>with our free time at night tends to be more 0:29:35.440 --> 0:29:38.920 <v Speaker 1>watching TV because you know that's nobody has that much 0:29:39.040 --> 0:29:41.880 <v Speaker 1>energy at night, even if they tend to think they do. 0:29:42.760 --> 0:29:45.480 <v Speaker 1>I think it does help, though, to be clear about 0:29:45.480 --> 0:29:48.800 <v Speaker 1>how much time is there. So, for instance, if you 0:29:48.880 --> 0:29:51.160 <v Speaker 1>aren't going to go to bed until let's say ten 0:29:51.280 --> 0:29:53.520 <v Speaker 1>thirty for whatever reason, that is the time you have 0:29:53.600 --> 0:29:56.640 <v Speaker 1>said as your normal weeknight bedtime, and you put your 0:29:56.680 --> 0:29:59.280 <v Speaker 1>kids to bed I don't know eight, then you do, 0:29:59.440 --> 0:30:01.680 <v Speaker 1>in fact have two and a half hours, and it 0:30:01.720 --> 0:30:04.320 <v Speaker 1>helps to know what that amount of time is and 0:30:04.400 --> 0:30:07.680 <v Speaker 1>then to have some sort of plan for it. I'm 0:30:07.680 --> 0:30:09.440 <v Speaker 1>not saying like you need to, you know, set every 0:30:09.520 --> 0:30:11.520 <v Speaker 1>minute or schedule like you would during the day, like 0:30:11.560 --> 0:30:14.240 <v Speaker 1>every fifteen minutes. I've got appointments for these sorts of things, 0:30:14.320 --> 0:30:16.800 <v Speaker 1>and send your spouse like an outlook invite for watching 0:30:16.840 --> 0:30:20.959 <v Speaker 1>a show, but Knowing that you might have two hours 0:30:21.000 --> 0:30:22.959 <v Speaker 1>before you need to get ready for bed can encourage 0:30:23.000 --> 0:30:24.880 <v Speaker 1>you to think a little bit more mindfully of like, well, 0:30:24.880 --> 0:30:27.640 <v Speaker 1>what could I do in two hours? And the good 0:30:27.640 --> 0:30:30.120 <v Speaker 1>news is that that's like enough to do a lot. 0:30:30.200 --> 0:30:32.440 <v Speaker 1>I mean, you could watch a movie on a weeknight 0:30:32.560 --> 0:30:34.560 <v Speaker 1>like that might feel if you were just thinking about it, 0:30:34.560 --> 0:30:37.120 <v Speaker 1>that would feel sort of irresponsible, right, But you know, 0:30:37.280 --> 0:30:39.160 <v Speaker 1>if you know you have two hours, like you can 0:30:39.280 --> 0:30:42.840 <v Speaker 1>in fact do that. Or you could, you know, set 0:30:42.880 --> 0:30:44.800 <v Speaker 1>a phone call with a friend, like we're going to 0:30:44.880 --> 0:30:46.880 <v Speaker 1>talk on Thursday night after the kids go to bed, 0:30:46.920 --> 0:30:48.640 <v Speaker 1>and then you know that's coming up and you'd look 0:30:48.680 --> 0:30:50.280 <v Speaker 1>forward to it. Like, if you have things you're looking 0:30:50.320 --> 0:30:52.920 <v Speaker 1>forward to, it can be a little bit easier to 0:30:53.000 --> 0:30:56.360 <v Speaker 1>sort of manage your energy and preserve a little bit 0:30:56.400 --> 0:30:59.480 <v Speaker 1>of your energy for that knowing that good stuff is 0:30:59.520 --> 0:31:01.720 <v Speaker 1>coming up. Now. If you don't have anything you're looking 0:31:01.760 --> 0:31:04.800 <v Speaker 1>forward to do, well, then it's a little bit harder 0:31:04.840 --> 0:31:07.400 <v Speaker 1>to manage your energy and to store it towards that 0:31:07.800 --> 0:31:10.800 <v Speaker 1>evening too. But if you know you don't have any energy, 0:31:10.800 --> 0:31:12.760 <v Speaker 1>you may as well just go to bed and then 0:31:13.040 --> 0:31:15.640 <v Speaker 1>wake up earlier and do whatever it was you were 0:31:15.760 --> 0:31:18.160 <v Speaker 1>going to do in the morning. Yeah, And I know 0:31:18.200 --> 0:31:20.400 <v Speaker 1>we've had some guests on that are all about their 0:31:20.480 --> 0:31:23.160 <v Speaker 1>second shift and working late at night. And if that 0:31:23.240 --> 0:31:26.680 <v Speaker 1>works for some people, that's wonderful. But I also don't 0:31:26.680 --> 0:31:30.440 <v Speaker 1>think it's a requirement to be, at least in my experience, 0:31:30.960 --> 0:31:36.160 <v Speaker 1>a reasonably successful employed female with a family that enjoys 0:31:36.200 --> 0:31:39.600 <v Speaker 1>both life and family time. I don't feel like I 0:31:39.640 --> 0:31:42.400 <v Speaker 1>would get much done that was of any substance if 0:31:42.440 --> 0:31:44.320 <v Speaker 1>I did try to force myself to work at night. 0:31:44.440 --> 0:31:47.000 <v Speaker 1>And I have friends who do, and then I have 0:31:47.040 --> 0:31:51.040 <v Speaker 1>friends who absolutely never do, And so I think sometimes 0:31:51.080 --> 0:31:53.720 <v Speaker 1>the myth that that's kind of a requirement can be 0:31:53.720 --> 0:31:56.320 <v Speaker 1>a little dangerous if you are going to do the 0:31:56.360 --> 0:31:58.960 <v Speaker 1>split shift, Like if you know that there are certain 0:31:59.000 --> 0:32:01.480 <v Speaker 1>tasks you of left for the evening because you've made 0:32:01.480 --> 0:32:04.000 <v Speaker 1>a conscious choice to leave work earlier, which remember that 0:32:04.120 --> 0:32:06.080 <v Speaker 1>is the reason you do a split shift, is that 0:32:06.120 --> 0:32:09.000 <v Speaker 1>you have left work earlier than you otherwise would have 0:32:09.280 --> 0:32:13.160 <v Speaker 1>and are moving that time to the evening. Have a 0:32:13.280 --> 0:32:15.360 <v Speaker 1>list of what you intend to do again. This is 0:32:15.360 --> 0:32:17.120 <v Speaker 1>going to help with managing your energy too. It's not 0:32:17.120 --> 0:32:19.480 <v Speaker 1>like I'm going to get through a thousand email backlog 0:32:19.520 --> 0:32:22.560 <v Speaker 1>between eight and ten, Like, no, you are not, but 0:32:22.680 --> 0:32:24.920 <v Speaker 1>if you have, Okay, I need to send responses to 0:32:24.960 --> 0:32:29.280 <v Speaker 1>these three things, send out the minutes for my meeting 0:32:29.480 --> 0:32:32.200 <v Speaker 1>that is tomorrow at nine am, and then review the 0:32:32.200 --> 0:32:34.360 <v Speaker 1>notes for the meeting that then happens at ten. Like 0:32:34.520 --> 0:32:36.840 <v Speaker 1>those things, you can get through in that shift. And 0:32:36.920 --> 0:32:39.520 <v Speaker 1>so if you have that list of what needs to happen, 0:32:40.000 --> 0:32:42.040 <v Speaker 1>then you will be able to manage your energy to 0:32:42.120 --> 0:32:43.880 <v Speaker 1>know to get through that and know that when you're done, 0:32:43.880 --> 0:32:46.200 <v Speaker 1>you're done, and hopefully be done enough earlier that you 0:32:46.240 --> 0:32:48.240 <v Speaker 1>can still watch a show or do something else fun 0:32:48.280 --> 0:32:51.840 <v Speaker 1>for thirty minutes in there. All right, Sarah, do you 0:32:51.920 --> 0:32:55.560 <v Speaker 1>ever wish you had a few years to experience stay 0:32:55.600 --> 0:32:58.320 <v Speaker 1>at home mom life? Thought this was kind of an 0:32:58.360 --> 0:33:03.400 <v Speaker 1>interesting question that the Yeah, me too. I thought it 0:33:03.440 --> 0:33:05.479 <v Speaker 1>was a fun question. It did make me stop and 0:33:05.520 --> 0:33:08.440 <v Speaker 1>think for a minute, and I was like, well, I 0:33:08.440 --> 0:33:10.920 <v Speaker 1>guess I could have done that. Like, you know, we 0:33:11.440 --> 0:33:16.000 <v Speaker 1>would have survived quite fine if I had chosen to 0:33:16.040 --> 0:33:20.080 <v Speaker 1>do that, And I probably could even have re entered 0:33:20.120 --> 0:33:23.600 <v Speaker 1>the workforce and done fine as well. From a career perspective. 0:33:23.680 --> 0:33:26.000 <v Speaker 1>That is one nice thing about being a physician. You 0:33:26.040 --> 0:33:28.800 <v Speaker 1>can keep your board certification, and if you primarily want 0:33:28.800 --> 0:33:30.920 <v Speaker 1>to do a clinical job, you can take a little 0:33:30.920 --> 0:33:35.000 <v Speaker 1>bit of time off and go back. So this actually 0:33:35.080 --> 0:33:37.400 <v Speaker 1>wasn't as much as theoretical as it sounded. I was like, 0:33:37.440 --> 0:33:41.200 <v Speaker 1>well it could have been. I think that it sounds nice, 0:33:41.320 --> 0:33:44.360 <v Speaker 1>like I'm picturing myself ticking walks with my kids like, 0:33:44.840 --> 0:33:48.160 <v Speaker 1>but then if I actually placed myself into that reality, 0:33:48.960 --> 0:33:52.440 <v Speaker 1>it would mean not having like somebody to help with 0:33:52.560 --> 0:33:55.000 <v Speaker 1>childcare and housework and stuff like that. So I would 0:33:55.000 --> 0:33:59.800 <v Speaker 1>have been doing a lot of that, and I know, 0:33:59.880 --> 0:34:02.960 <v Speaker 1>like the societal answers, I'm I'm like supposed to have 0:34:03.000 --> 0:34:07.160 <v Speaker 1>wanted that or like be really sad that I didn't 0:34:07.200 --> 0:34:09.839 <v Speaker 1>experience that. But I guess the only thing I might 0:34:09.880 --> 0:34:11.520 <v Speaker 1>have done might have done if I could have like 0:34:11.560 --> 0:34:13.880 <v Speaker 1>magically known that everything would have been fine, is not 0:34:13.920 --> 0:34:16.040 <v Speaker 1>to ever have had to pump to just stay with 0:34:16.080 --> 0:34:18.640 <v Speaker 1>my babies for twelve months. But that's like a maternity leave. 0:34:18.719 --> 0:34:21.920 <v Speaker 1>That's that's like a Norwegian maternity that's not being a 0:34:21.960 --> 0:34:24.719 <v Speaker 1>stay at home mom. Yes, I would have taken if 0:34:24.719 --> 0:34:26.880 <v Speaker 1>I could have, I would have taken a Norwegian maternity leave. 0:34:26.960 --> 0:34:28.440 <v Speaker 1>Let me let me just make that clear if that 0:34:28.480 --> 0:34:30.839 <v Speaker 1>had been an option, I think I would have found 0:34:30.880 --> 0:34:33.520 <v Speaker 1>that to be a nice balance. But I'm pretty sure 0:34:33.840 --> 0:34:36.200 <v Speaker 1>that by six months in I'd have fifteen other projects 0:34:36.239 --> 0:34:38.840 <v Speaker 1>I wanted to do, because I don't. I just don't 0:34:39.239 --> 0:34:41.879 <v Speaker 1>know if I would have been happy not doing it, 0:34:41.960 --> 0:34:44.920 <v Speaker 1>and by twelve months I would have been incredible. I 0:34:44.960 --> 0:34:47.200 <v Speaker 1>think I would have been very, very very ready to 0:34:47.200 --> 0:34:50.719 <v Speaker 1>get back to my own kind of autonomous work not 0:34:50.840 --> 0:34:53.399 <v Speaker 1>at home. So so I guess my answer is yes 0:34:53.440 --> 0:34:56.680 <v Speaker 1>and no. But I I mean I could, like I 0:34:56.680 --> 0:34:58.719 <v Speaker 1>sort of answered my own question, like in theory, I 0:34:58.719 --> 0:35:00.560 <v Speaker 1>could have done that, and I didn't, So I guess 0:35:00.640 --> 0:35:03.279 <v Speaker 1>I didn't want to. Now do we all wish we 0:35:03.320 --> 0:35:05.200 <v Speaker 1>could live our lives like ten times and experience it 0:35:05.200 --> 0:35:07.880 <v Speaker 1>all types of different ways and see what was fun? Like? Sure, 0:35:08.000 --> 0:35:11.680 <v Speaker 1>but we don't get to Sadly, Yeah, it's a nice 0:35:11.719 --> 0:35:14.200 <v Speaker 1>idea though, be a good sci fi book. Sarah and 0:35:14.239 --> 0:35:16.640 <v Speaker 1>I have both kind of chosen not to do that. 0:35:16.880 --> 0:35:18.879 <v Speaker 1>So in the sense of like, did we ever wish 0:35:18.880 --> 0:35:21.920 <v Speaker 1>we could experience, Well, no, because we chose not to write, 0:35:22.280 --> 0:35:25.400 <v Speaker 1>And so that's kind of I mean the nature of 0:35:25.440 --> 0:35:28.160 <v Speaker 1>that question, right, And it's also like I'm not sure 0:35:28.160 --> 0:35:31.600 <v Speaker 1>what would be so incredibly different from the experience I've had. 0:35:31.600 --> 0:35:33.839 <v Speaker 1>I mean, because I've been with my children on enough 0:35:33.960 --> 0:35:36.839 <v Speaker 1>days that I am quite aware of what's involved in 0:35:37.360 --> 0:35:40.640 <v Speaker 1>caring for them. You know, I have had many a 0:35:40.680 --> 0:35:44.239 <v Speaker 1>Tuesday when I've not been working for some reason or another, 0:35:44.239 --> 0:35:46.040 <v Speaker 1>and I have done stuff with the kids, like I've 0:35:46.040 --> 0:35:49.200 <v Speaker 1>had weekends and stuff. I've mean there quite a bit 0:35:49.280 --> 0:35:53.920 <v Speaker 1>I'm at home, so it's you know, not particularly some 0:35:54.480 --> 0:35:57.560 <v Speaker 1>world that I feel like I've missed a huge amount 0:35:57.600 --> 0:36:00.480 <v Speaker 1>on in my feeling, I've gotten to do a lot 0:36:00.480 --> 0:36:03.440 <v Speaker 1>of that really cool stuff that might have been, you know, 0:36:03.600 --> 0:36:05.319 <v Speaker 1>done as a stay at home mom, only I've also 0:36:05.360 --> 0:36:08.640 <v Speaker 1>gotten to have a really cool career too. So I 0:36:08.640 --> 0:36:10.799 <v Speaker 1>guess my answer is now, I don't wonder what it 0:36:10.800 --> 0:36:15.680 <v Speaker 1>would be like, because that's not what we've chosen to do. Well, 0:36:15.680 --> 0:36:18.400 <v Speaker 1>this has been best of both worlds, Sara, unless you 0:36:18.400 --> 0:36:21.560 <v Speaker 1>have something else you want to add to that, No, 0:36:21.680 --> 0:36:23.279 <v Speaker 1>I just think that was such a fun question. So 0:36:23.320 --> 0:36:25.719 <v Speaker 1>thank you for asking it. Yeah, thank you for asking that, 0:36:26.520 --> 0:36:29.880 <v Speaker 1>and to our listeners like you have also permission not 0:36:30.080 --> 0:36:32.680 <v Speaker 1>to have the feeling that you know you've missed it. 0:36:32.800 --> 0:36:35.320 <v Speaker 1>I know there's this sort of idea that you're supposed 0:36:35.320 --> 0:36:37.000 <v Speaker 1>to be like guilty or wistful or whatever, and if 0:36:37.000 --> 0:36:39.239 <v Speaker 1>you're not, you're not like I mean, I'm sure many 0:36:39.280 --> 0:36:41.759 <v Speaker 1>people have experienced a great amount of time with their kids. 0:36:41.800 --> 0:36:43.719 <v Speaker 1>That's the whole thing. We say. The best of both 0:36:43.760 --> 0:36:45.600 <v Speaker 1>worlds is like, even if you are working a full 0:36:45.600 --> 0:36:48.080 <v Speaker 1>time job, there is a lot of other time that 0:36:48.160 --> 0:36:51.200 <v Speaker 1>you experience with your family as well, so it's not 0:36:51.320 --> 0:36:53.719 <v Speaker 1>quite the trade off that people often think it is. 0:36:54.320 --> 0:36:56.239 <v Speaker 1>All right, well, speaking of that, this has been best 0:36:56.239 --> 0:36:58.799 <v Speaker 1>in both worlds. We've been doing our mailbag episode and 0:36:58.840 --> 0:37:00.839 <v Speaker 1>we will be back next week with more on making 0:37:00.880 --> 0:37:05.319 <v Speaker 1>work and life fit together. Thanks for listening. You can 0:37:05.320 --> 0:37:08.839 <v Speaker 1>find me Sarah at the shoebox dot com or at 0:37:08.960 --> 0:37:12.400 <v Speaker 1>the Underscore Shoebox on Instagram, and you can find me 0:37:12.960 --> 0:37:16.680 <v Speaker 1>Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. This has been the 0:37:16.680 --> 0:37:20.200 <v Speaker 1>best of Both Worlds podcasts. Please join us next time 0:37:20.480 --> 0:37:23.040 <v Speaker 1>for more on making work and life work together.