Little Man - Act 1 / Part 2

Interior living room night Ethan enters boys slung on his shoulder.
Fugly barks crazy, put me down, flopped. Ethan dumps him
on the couch. Fugly keeps barking.
Fuggly head.
Fugly hushes guards to Doug's room. Ethan does a double take.
Okay, kid, look, I'm.
Jug Even Fugly notes it's me.
The boy digs in couch cushions, pulls out a pack
of cigarettes like he knew where to look. Ethan grabs
the pack.
No, this is just a dream, nightmare.
My salamis a coxail we need and it's all your fault.
Ethan stares, he sounds just like. Doug shakes his head.
I'm calling the authorities. He dials his phone. Doug grabs
it runs.
Ethan chases, explain how I know about your trio of testies.
Millions of men live normal lives of poly orchidism. Give
him my phone.
Doug ducks under furniture. They wrestle the phone.
You started saving her for retirement at nine. The junior
year you almost died from a peanut butter.
My Facebook's public.
You have a man crushed on Justin Timberley.
Who doesn't.
The phone slides across the floor. They die. Ethan grabs
it and stands. Doug pounces on his back. Ethan shrugs
him off. Doug falls hard on his ass and cries,
you fucking twat waffle.
Give me one more of those, you.
Fucking twat waffle.
Later, Ethan swigs a flask. Doug grabs at it. Ethan
keeps it away in Ethan's other hand the old photo
at Dodger Stadium when they were eight. He holds it
up to Doug's face. It's a match. Ethan takes a
bigger swig of whiskey. Doug swipes it in chugs. Ethan
yanks it back, stares at the boy beside him. Interior
kitchen day man and boy slump at the table, hungover.
Doug shares a cereal with Thugly and recounts his tail.
Ethan just stares.
I was helping some kids because of your don't be
a prick advice and someone steals my car. I chase
him and boom, wake up in pediatrics.
This is unreal.
No, what's unreal? Fact? I won't pop a boner for
more for.
Let's go.
This is unreal.
Know what's unreal. In fact, I won't pop a boner
for four more years.
Ethan's phone rings.
He answers, Hey, Kathy, I uh won't be in today.
Bad sushi. Thanks, ends the call. He paces, worry settles in.
What are we gonna do? Missus Lewis will see you and.
Ask questions, Just say I'm visiting.
You're a child, You'll look like a child. You can't
be home alone.
I'll hang out at your office.
Not if I want to keep my job.
I'm saying here and that old bat can kiss my
shiny hairless ass.
Exterior Ethan's driveway day. On Doug's shiny hairless ass, a
little butt crack peeks out from chew chue pajama bottoms.
Put me down, goddamnit.
With Doug flung over his shoulder, Ethan opens the car door,
tosses them in, shuts it. Doug bangs on the glass.
Interior lewis living room. That moment, Missus Lewis vacuums. She pauses,
peeks out the window. Ethan's Volva backs out of the driveway.
She resumes vacuuming. Interior Ethan's car moving day. Doug scowls
in the back seat tangled in the seat belt.
Where are we going?
I'm hungry, gotta run errands.
You just ate.
I'm a growing boy. I want a burger. Hey, you
just loss big job.
Ethan grips the steering wheel tighter, Doug.
We need someone to watch you and not ask any questions,
someone with a flexible schedule.
Door's lock. Doug panics. He tries to open the door.
Hello, are you on crack? Evil has a name, Frankie
Bitch Freddy Cougar ain't got shit on her.
Begin flashback Francine eleven, Kitty Grunge gives eight year old
Doug and Ethan a double super wedgie. They scream in pain.
She cackles, tied to a The boys watch horrified as
she smashes their Alien Action figure with a baseball bat.
The weep double headlock. Franccene makes the boys hit themselves
and their faces over and over.
Yeah, why are you hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself.
She throws her head back, Evil cackling echoes. End flashback
Interior Franccene's apartment Day Adult Francine thirty three, Filipino American
Evil cackling. What grunge looks like when you can't let
go dark eye makeup Doc Martin's. She sits at a
state of the yard computer station.
Help, Doug, are you on crack?
Why do you still put up with that cretan and.
His ratnog He rescued him from a dumpster, Francine, Please,
we're in a bind. Doug needs a babysitter. Doug has
a kid. Yes, Doug has a.
Kid, but no woman alive would breathe with him.
Oh my god, his baby mama is a stripper. Cut
him some slack. You don't know him like I do.
Begin flashback, interior, second grade classroom, day, two thousand and two,
math lesson in progress, time out corner. Eight year old
Doug picks his nose and draws on his shoes, Aliens, dragons, boobs.
Yeah, he's a bit quirky. Translation demented.
Doug drops his pencil. It rolls to eight year old Ethan,
super nerd glasses and sink t shirt. He picks it up,
goes to Doug. You drop this, Doug grabs it, keeps strong.
Making friends can be hard.
Exterior suburban neighborhood Later, two thousand and two. Two bullies
twelve laugh at Ethan's and sink t shirt and shove
him to the ground. His sony discman cracks, He grabs
it and flees even harder. If you're different, Ethan dead
ends at a flood control channel. He panics, hides in
a storm pipe nearby. Doug Chuck's bottles in.
The water, or if you're a sociopath.
Bullies run past the pipe inside. Ethan is stuck. He sobs.
Doug appears at the pipe opening. He holds up the discman.
You drop this.
Doug's a good guy, He's my friend.
In flashback back in Francene's apartment, he.
Saved your lives.
YadA, YadA, YadA.
He made you pay.
Him ten bucks.
I offer find another grubsitter.
Can't shut your pie hole for ten seconds? Slip the
man talk.
Francceine turns boy. Doug stands in the middle of the room.
Spawn of Doug.
I am Doug, drinking Ho no cure yet for your nest,
he asked Jab of the hut, flesh eating butt face, disease,
walking dead stone.
He's extras.
Let's bring him in. The spawn of Doug.
Spawn of Doug, I am Doug, Frank and Ho no
curiate for your nasty ass. Jab of the hut, flesh
eating butt face disease, walking dead stone eat extras.
Convinced it's Doug. Later Francine's living room, Ethan is on
his phone. In the background, Doug scarfs pizza on the couch.
Francine watches, repulsed and fascinated.
Like what you see, Frank h Karma's a freaking goddess.
She cackles, pokes Doug's tummy, it jiggles, pokes it again.
Ethan the scary she man keeps touching me in a
bad way.
Ethan ends his call. He's super stressed.
Francine. Can you please do this? It's just temporary till
his balls drop. No way, enroll him in school.
Ethan and Doug freeze Ethan's face. Hope Doug's horror.
No no, no, no, no, no no, no bad, idea bad.
I'd need a birth certificate and it's easy.
Peasy motions to her workstation. Wheels turn in Ethan's head.
This could actually work.
Doug kicks pizza boxes, growls Tasmanian devil hands remote. You
gotta pass for a human kid, Fuck you, Frank Siri
target store hours.
No, why in the hell I'm going to school.
Exterior elementary school day on Marquee Fairview Elementary, where children
shine a thriving neighborhood. Public school kids, parents SUVs main
entrance kids scurry in. Ethan waits as a cranky Dug
trudges forward, dressed like a mini Ethan hair comb, neatly
big backpack.
Just fly low, blend in, just like a vagina sh
You need to make it work until this wears off.
Would you rather spend ten hours a day with Francine?
This is blackmail, leverage and no funny business.
I won't cause any shit, Dad.
Uncle Francine will pick you up.
I gotta go okay, Doki all around them, parents hug
and kiss their kids goodbye.
Don't even think about it.
Ethan bear hugs him and definitely confiscates a pack of SIGs.
That's my last pack.
He watches Ethan leave. Doug smirks on Zips' backpack. Interior
school hallway day, Loud, bustling children five to eleven everywhere,
cheerful murals of books, rainbows and butterflies on banner, cookies
for caring helping kids worldwide. A huddle of fifth grade
girls suddenly hush. Third grade boys pause on an R
two D two BB eight debate. Something's got their attention.
All the kids turn to see the coolest kid ever
in a backwards Dodger's cap and a Star Wars t
shirt of Chewbacca and cool shades party animal. It's Doug
Minnie Ethan clothes gone. He struts down the hall, puts
on cool shades that match to bockets. The kids ooh
and ah. He passes the fifth grade.
Girls nods sub ladies.
Doug slips on something. He goes down on his ass.
All the kids laugh. Doug gets to his feet, plays
it off.
I'm good, I'm good, All good.
Show's over.
Ew He's got poop on his butt.
On Doug's backside, brown gooey stain chocolate pudding, Annoying fifth
graders Jake and Ashford eleven twelve point to Doug.
Chewbacca pooped his pants.
Poo Baca, back up Boga.
Furious Doug rushes, Ashford, tackles up. Doug sits on Ashford's face,
grinds in the chocolate pudding.
How you luck him up? Whoop? Now? Shit face?
The bell drowns. Ashford's cries. Kids scurry off.
Stump this right, now.
A woman's hand yanks Doug off the sobbing fifth grader.
It's Julia, the woman from the hospital. Doug interior classroom,
Day twenty four. Second graders settle in. Julia writes on
the whiteboard independent worktime. She gives Doug a concerned look.
Steps into the hallway. Doug sits beside the teacher's desk,
towel under his butt. Miserable students glance at the new kid.
A boy approaches. It's Wyatt from the ball incident.
You're new, you're annoying.
I'm white, I'm almost eight.
Great, go feed the hamster.
Miss Jones says, we can't have a hamster because kids
are allergic.
Did you have an accident? I have lots, so I
keep extra towels in my cubby. I get a sticker
every day. I don't have an accident. I want to see.
He scampers to his desk. Doug's face the fuck in
the hall. Principal Garcia sixty three. She's counting the days
til retirement. Talks with Julia.
Zero tolerance, no exceptions, but it's his first day at
a new school.
He's just scared.
In the classroom. Doug laughs hysterically.
He's probably a great kid.
On three x five card happy face emoji with speech bubble.
If you feel something, say something, and five lonely stickers
five for a whole bu he can't stop laughing feelings hurts?
Why it walks away? Paul?
Fifth graders no better and this child's been thrown off.
Classroom Doug gobbles candy from a big jar on Julia's desk.
No, he's intimidated by new people.
Rachel eight, clone of the Ulsen Twins, approaches.
You can't touch those. I'm telling yo, snitch, you're gonna
call the po po haul. He's all alone classroom.
Doug stands on the chair with the candy jar.
Hasn't made any friends yet.
Hey, who wants some candy?
Squeals of joy from the kids they surround un.
Paul, All right, I'm sure you'll handle this appropriately, miss Jones.
She hands Julia a plastic bag with a pink bundle.
Inside classroom mayhem, Doug tosses candy. Kids dive like a
pinata burst. Julia enters. Doug later order restored. Kids read
quietly on the board, silent reading. Julia takes a big
gulp from a water bottle. Rough day, and it's only
eight thirty. Doug sits in the thinking corner. There's a
poster of three happy bees. How can you be safe,
be respectful, and be responsible? He glowers, pissed off in
pink leggings. Rachel the nark waves her raised hand frantically.
Yes, Rachel, I told Doug he wasn't allowed.
She smirks at Doug.
I'm sure you did. But Doug is new, he doesn't
know all the rules yet.
Julia doesn't see Doug give Rachel the finger. Later, students
busy at work, Julia and Doug said it a table
to the side. Doug slump's head on arms. He gazes
at her pretty face.
Do you remember me, Doug?
Doug sighs. You can almost see the hearts in his eyes.
I found you unconscious in the street. I called the paramedics.
What happened at the hospital? You just disappeared?
Doug snaps out of love sick puppy mode, thinks fast.
Uncle ethan gummy. He takes care of me. I don't
live with my.
Parents, puts on the best sad kid face and fake snobs.
Hey boy, let's pick up, Let's let's go let's go
from Doug snaps out and and boie, You're still not
You're not a victim. You're still old Doug kind of
you know, making your way. So don't be too uh.
You know you can be a little vulnerable, but don't
be over vulnerable, be a liar too, Yeah, exactly.
Doug snaps out of love sick puppy mode, thinks fast.
Uncle Ethan got me. He takes care of me. I
don't lose with my parents.
Puts on the best sad kid face and fake sobs.
We've had it go because he works a.
Lot more fake sobs. Julia's face sobbins.
We were just so worried about you.
I miss my money.
She comforts him with a hug. Doug snuggles in.
I'm glad you're part of our class, Doug. You'll like
it here.
Doug nods, nestled in her embrace. Interior exterior School day
A series of shots Doug's first day of school at Dodgeball.
Rachel wales a big red mark on her face.
But she didn't dodge Wolf thinking corner.
Now in cafeteria, Doug eats four burritos, swipes kids lunches
in science, the lab is set up for an experiment.
Any questions, where do babies come from?
Yeah, we're going at the.
End of.
Later classroom, Doug yawns the math lesson creek. Five on
clock time. Lads hands go around from one to one twenty.
Doug bored out of his gourd glance. This is a round.
A sneaky grin spreads across his face. A huge fart erupts. Kids,
You giggle, Doug Fane's innocent. Someone else sparks, then another
a part chain reaction. It's most real, some faith. The
smell is awful. Class out of control?
All right, everyone out.
I don't like you're plugging your nose.
Everybody get out. Cotageous all right, everyone out.
Doug smirks. Math lesson over. Mission accomplished. Later two thirty
on the clock, Kids line up with backpacks. Doug pushes
to the front.
Doug, please move your pin to red and go to
the end of the line.
Doug huffs. To the behavior chart. A continuum of colors
close pins with each student's name clip to the chart.
All pins except Dougs are on green. Good job. He
moves his pin from yellow warning to red. Need to improve.
He scowls.
Before we leave, remember be positive and try your best.
Tomorrow's a new start, and we're all o work in progress.
Give me what with this? Just kids on the entire class.
Okay, before we leave, remember be positive and try your best.
Tomorrow's a new start and we're all.
Ow work progress.
Exterior school pickup area day. Kids climb into cars. Doug
weights still in pink leggings from a mini van. Stephen
five sticks his time out at Doug. Doug responds with
a blowjob gesture. Stephen freezes, intrigued, then mimics Doug. The
van door.
Shuts all buckled in Steven now, smack of.
A hand, sound of Stephen crying. Mini van pulls away.
Doug snickers. He looks around. He's the only kid left.
He sits on the curb, takes lot frank and swat.
The faint chimes grow louder. Doug's head snaps in his direction.
The Mister Chili truck rolls down the street. Doug blinks
begin quick flashes of Doug's memory. Grown up Doug chases
the stolen car grill of the Mister Chili truck just
before impact, in flashes back on Doug. He jumps up,
chases the truck.
Hey, stop, stop.
The truck pulls over. Carl steps out.
Hello, Deed, Doug, how you been You you hit?
It was your truck?
Sorry about that. El Nino was taking a little too
long to kick.
In Doug's brown knits confusion. More memories are triggered, begin
quick flashes. Carl offers Doug the swirly blue al Nino
popsicle on wrapper. A boy holding an umbrella in flashes
back on, Doug.
You did this to me?
Why don't you remember me? I guess it's been a while.
Put on a few pounds, a little snow on the
roof now.
Doug squints, imagines old Carl as a young, slim version.
Holy shit, I stream Joe.
Oh that's what you kids called me.
Name's Carl, Carl, Joe, whoever you are. It's been a
real fun trip down memory lane. No change me back,
and we called it a day. This being a kid
again thing sucks.
Ass language, young man.
Don't be a douche change.
Me back, afraid I can't.
What the hell not, son, I've been in this business
for fifty years, sold ice cream of thousands of kids,
seeing them all grow up with your all of them
except you.
You're boring me.
How much Carl's brow furrows?
Money to change me back?
It's not that simple.
I see where this is going. How long do I
got to suck your popsicle?
God?
All right, one more time. Let's let's not get in
the meat in the middle of that. Start with money
to change me back?
Place, money to change me back.
It's not that simple.
I see where this is going. How long do I
gotta suck your.
Popsuper Doug getting the do over?
Do over?
This is a kickball. This is my life.
You need to learn to be a decent human being, kind, helpful, respectful.
It all starts when you're a child. If you can
do this, you can get to be a grown up again.
If not, you stay a child.
This blows Carl.
I retire at the end of the month.
You got till then, and we'll be watching. Doug turns
it's Francine's car.
He turns back to Carl, who's watching Carl.
Carl and the mister Chili truck are gone. Interior exterior
Francine's car day grunge, Rock blairs, Francine smokes. Doug opens
the door.
Hot.
Think's good on you.
You're late. Frank got pulled over again for driving while.
Ugly at that time of the month.
Get in.
Doug climbs in, shuts the door. He savors the smoke.
Give me one jonesing, huh, buckle up.
He crosses his arms. She punches him in the crotch,
son of a nutcracker.
Listen up, dunk Beetle. I don't like this babysity shit either.
I'm only doing this for my brother. So here's how
it's gonna play out. You do what I say. You
keep your rat dog away from me.
Takes another drag, blows it in his face.
And you guess, smokes you in?
Are you out?
Doug rides in pain, He seeds and buckles up. Exterior
Ethan Street day. Francene parks the car three houses down
from Ethan's. Crouched behind her car, Francene scans the area,
nods to Doug. They dash to the door. Almost there,
you who, Frances? They freeze. Missus Lewis appears out of
thin air.
Hi, Missus Lewis.
Hey, mister Lewis.
Waves to mister Lewis on his porch, newly decorated in
LGBTQ rainbow flags. He wears a rainbow love is Love
t shirt.
This young man your son.
She pinches Doug's cheeks.
He winces nephew, our other sisters. Kid say hello, Bob,
Hello Bob, Bob, go get your homework started.
She squeezes his arm. He squirms, free runs inside.
He's staying with Ethan for a while. I'm babysitting.
Oh wonderful.
We just adore Ethan and his girlfriend and his boyfriend. Gay, bisexual,
gender fluid, polyammers. However, he identifies.
We're allies.
A Frupple is much more inclusive and free. We could
use a little more love in this.
World, Francine suppresses her smirk.
Absolutely chose.
Interior kitchen night. Dug and Ethan open bags of food
from Big Top Burger.
A fucking do over. And I only got till the
end of the month, ten days. And he said, I'm
being watched by who holio.
He sees what's in the bag A kid's meal.
Really kind of made sense.
There's a toy tears pool in Doug's eyes, rolled down
his cheeks. He slumps, defeated, fugly jumps onto the table,
licks Doug's face, then sniffs around the bag and crawls
in ethan Pat's Doug's are unsure of what to do. Awkward.
Hey, it's not that bad. It's only your first day
of torture.
I can't do this.
You have to. What I mean is sure you can.
Come on, you've got this.
Doug looks up, hopeful.
You already know how to read and write, do math.
The rest is just listening to the teacher, following rules,
being nice.
To gravity sinks in. No one says a word. The
only sound is fugly munching from inside the bag.
I'm fucked
To be continued