335 | Art of the Session: Play Session Guidelines - Labeling, Following the Metaphor, & Neutrality

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi,

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I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode,

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we are continuing with the Art of the Session series,

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and today we are talking through guidelines for your session.

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Now,

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since we've covered

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up to this point,

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from the very beginning,

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first time that we meet the family,

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and now we're,

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what are we doing in the play sessions with the child?

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We just finished the 4 pillars.

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So we're talking today through guidelines for the sessions.

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Now,

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as mentioned,

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there are 11 things

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that you should be doing in a play session.

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Their skills,

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their strategies,

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their tools.

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Only those 11 things.

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What we're talking about today,

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they are not skills,

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but they are things to keep in mind.

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All our guidelines.

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Because there are certain things that we need to be mindful of

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that don't necessarily fall under one of the skills,

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one of the 11.

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But it's very important that we're aware of this

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and that we're adherent regarding these specific things.

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So concepts,

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if you will,

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that we need to be mindful of that will serve as guidelines.

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And if you

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Have not listened and or you would like a refresher,

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I think it would be very helpful to go back

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for

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the CCPT purism series

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because we cover some of this in the Purism series

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and these are part of this Art of the Session,

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but that would be a helpful refresher if either

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you're unfamiliar or you want to listen again.

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OK,

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so we're gonna hit 3 guidelines today.

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The first is

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following the metaphor that the child has given you.

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Tied into

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not labeling something.

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So these are kind of a a tandem duo here.

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So let me talk about not labeling something first.

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We know

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that in a playroom,

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a water bottle can be a rocket ship.

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We know that a crayon

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can be a missile.

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We know that a dragon

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can be a unicorn.

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And therefore,

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we do not label

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or give a specific word

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for what the child has picked up,

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used,

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played with,

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looked at,

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touched,

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thrown,

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whatever,

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until the child has told us what it is.

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That's the guideline of not labeling something.

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So what happens is you become the master

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of using

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nondescript words

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so

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that it,

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those,

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them.

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And so you'll say,

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you grabbed those.

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You picked that up.

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Oh,

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you got it right from the top shelf.

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And by

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keeping it very nondescript and neutral.

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You are giving the child the opportunity to tell you what it is.

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There are times when the child will not.

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So you continue

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to use the nondescript explanations.

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What I see in play sessions a lot.

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Child grabs the sword

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and play therapist says,

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you got the sword.

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And I always pause and I always say,

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is this repetitive play where in an earlier session

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the child has declared that to be a sword?

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If that's the case,

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then it was appropriate to refer to it as a sword.

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We're gonna get to that in a second.

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That's following the metaphor.

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But if that's the first time the child picked up the sword or the child

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has never told you or declared that that toy in the playroom is a sword

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to that specific child.

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Then that is no longer adherent to the model.

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We wait for the child to describe and tell us what it is that they're playing with.

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So we are not going to label

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anything.

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Until the child makes it clear.

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If they do not make it clear,

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we continue with.

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It,

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that,

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those,

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them,

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all of that.

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OK.

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Now,

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let's look at the tide concept here of following the metaphor.

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Once a child

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has given us something.

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So they pick up the sword and you don't label it as

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a sword because the child didn't say it was a sword,

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high five,

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and then the child says.

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This

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is Excalibur,

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and I'm gonna have to try to pull it out of the rock.

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You now are going to follow that metaphor

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and refer to it as Excalibur.

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Not only within that session,

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but across sessions,

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until the child tells you that it's something new.

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And this is the same with

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names that they give toys.

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What they declare toys to be,

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how they describe them.

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Whatever they give you in the way of verbal explanation,

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you follow it.

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So when they pick up the water bottle and tell you that it's a rocket ship.

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You're going to continue to refer to that as a rocket ship

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until maybe at some point they go,

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oh,

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it's not a rocket ship anymore.

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Now it's.

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Guess what,

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you have a new metaphor to follow.

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And this is the process

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within which we continue to dialogue with kids.

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We don't label,

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but we're always going to continue with what they've given us to work with.

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OK,

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so that's the first guideline.

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Second guideline,

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neutrality.

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We did a really long series on this,

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so if you're unfamiliar or if you need a refresher,

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please go back to that as well.

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However,

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as a guideline within art of the session,

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our neutrality is important

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for so many reasons,

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but we have to be mindful

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that

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while the dynamic that's created between us and the child is fluid.

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And it ebbs and flows,

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and one session's going to feel different than another.

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Our goal is that our responses,

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our nonverbals,

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our attitude,

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our tone of voice.

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The aura

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of the session.

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Is going to be consistently neutral from our side of things.

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Meaning

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we don't have expectations,

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we don't let our emotions

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interfere

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with

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the execution of the model.

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We

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do not.

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Respond in such a way that it's clear

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we have an opinion.

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Neutrality allows us

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to unconditionally accept

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whatever's happening.

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The child,

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the circumstance,

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the play.

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The environment that's being created,

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whatever it is,

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we remain neutral.

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Now,

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we have to be congruent.

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We did a whole long discussion on congruence as well.

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We have to be congruent.

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So if we are feeling

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happy because

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something happened that made us happy.

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We accept that and we own it,

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and we acknowledge it.

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That's the human nature of CCPT relationship.

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But we don't let the happiness interfere

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with what's going on for the child,

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and we certainly don't want the child to say,

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oh,

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well,

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I just did that and it made him or her happy.

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So now I'm going to keep trying to do that

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because I want to keep making him or her happy.

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You see the difference?

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I mean,

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there are moments when a kid tells a joke or a kid

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does something funny or a kid,

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you know,

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that something happens and it just surprises both of you in a,

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in a positive way and you both laugh together.

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That's not lacking neutrality,

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that's the human

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condition of CCPT.

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But your

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emotion in any given moment

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is appropriate

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and then you're back to neutral.

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But if a child

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picks up

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your

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Protein bar wrapper,

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cause you finished your protein bar and they see the wrapper sitting next to you

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and they pick it up and they throw it away for you in the playroom

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and you go,

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oh,

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thank you so much,

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that was so thoughtful.

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You didn't need to do that,

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you were being so kind.

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That's not neutral.

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What you are communicating is what you just did pleased me.

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And therefore,

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if you didn't do that,

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you wouldn't have gotten this reaction.

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There's where we lose the neutrality.

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So our goal is

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that we remain fully adherent

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and nothing phases us

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to a point where the child is going to have their process interrupted

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by our lack of neutrality.

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So if you need more,

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please go back in and listen to the neutrality

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discussions because we've talked about that quite a bit.

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OK,

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and then 3rd and final guideline,

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we do not possess any knowledge or information that the child does not possess.

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And what that means is.

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We cannot teach.

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We cannot instruct.

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We cannot explain.

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We cannot define.

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We cannot answer questions.

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We do not have any answers.

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When we are in the playroom,

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it's an even

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ground.

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Level playing field.

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We know nothing the child doesn't know.

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So therefore,

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when the child gets out of game,

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how do you play this?

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Oh,

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you're wondering how to play this.

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I'm not sure either.

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You can say that truthfully,

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by the way,

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I'm really,

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really careful

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of not lying to kids in a playroom.

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I'm not sure how to play that either.

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Truthful,

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because I don't know how the child wants to play that game.

285
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:10,000
What,

286
00:10:10,530 --> 00:10:11,500
what's the,

287
00:10:11,849 --> 00:10:14,010
what's the name of that thing when,

288
00:10:14,210 --> 00:10:15,580
when you do this and blah blah,

289
00:10:15,650 --> 00:10:15,940
oh,

290
00:10:16,130 --> 00:10:17,719
you're trying to think of that name.

291
00:10:17,770 --> 00:10:19,729
I'm not sure what name you're thinking of.

292
00:10:20,659 --> 00:10:21,169
True.

293
00:10:22,950 --> 00:10:27,200
So the goal is that you return responsibility

294
00:10:27,820 --> 00:10:30,130
because you cannot provide information.

295
00:10:31,159 --> 00:10:34,190
When you reflect a feeling and the child's never heard that feeling before.

296
00:10:35,210 --> 00:10:36,750
You say flabbergasted,

297
00:10:36,919 --> 00:10:37,349
and they go,

298
00:10:37,390 --> 00:10:38,440
what does that mean?

299
00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:39,909
Oh,

300
00:10:40,020 --> 00:10:42,580
you're wondering what flabbergasted means.

301
00:10:42,739 --> 00:10:44,169
We don't answer that question.

302
00:10:44,260 --> 00:10:46,369
We're not going to define that emotion for them.

303
00:10:48,599 --> 00:10:50,059
I don't understand how

304
00:10:50,229 --> 00:10:51,570
this doesn't happen and this,

305
00:10:51,669 --> 00:10:52,099
oh,

306
00:10:52,109 --> 00:10:52,340
well,

307
00:10:52,390 --> 00:10:53,340
if you do this,

308
00:10:53,429 --> 00:10:54,669
then usually that works.

309
00:10:55,630 --> 00:10:58,150
Those are not adherent conversations.

310
00:10:58,989 --> 00:11:00,419
The guideline says

311
00:11:00,750 --> 00:11:02,989
that we know nothing that the child doesn't know.

312
00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:05,150
We possess nothing the child doesn't possess.

313
00:11:05,869 --> 00:11:06,859
So therefore,

314
00:11:07,030 --> 00:11:08,500
we're always trying

315
00:11:08,789 --> 00:11:09,979
to make it known

316
00:11:10,390 --> 00:11:12,429
that if the child needs or wants

317
00:11:12,669 --> 00:11:14,580
knowledge or to figure something out,

318
00:11:15,150 --> 00:11:18,619
they have the opportunity to acquire the knowledge or figure something out.

319
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:21,390
It goes back to they're in charge,

320
00:11:21,599 --> 00:11:22,640
they get to decide.

321
00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:25,270
You are capable and competent.

322
00:11:26,469 --> 00:11:28,179
How do you spell such and such?

323
00:11:28,510 --> 00:11:28,710
Oh,

324
00:11:28,919 --> 00:11:30,549
you're not sure how to spell that word.

325
00:11:32,039 --> 00:11:34,039
And if it's really important to them,

326
00:11:34,210 --> 00:11:35,640
they'll figure out how to spell it.

327
00:11:36,010 --> 00:11:39,239
I had a session where a 12 year old girl with dyslexia

328
00:11:39,650 --> 00:11:41,799
wanted me to write the word anniversary for her.

329
00:11:42,489 --> 00:11:44,239
I actually showed this clip on the Collective,

330
00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:46,039
so some of you might have remembered this clip.

331
00:11:46,929 --> 00:11:47,729
And

332
00:11:47,979 --> 00:11:48,409
I

333
00:11:48,580 --> 00:11:48,780
said,

334
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:49,010
oh,

335
00:11:49,059 --> 00:11:49,859
you want me to write this,

336
00:11:49,940 --> 00:11:51,349
I wonder what letter comes next.

337
00:11:52,140 --> 00:11:54,890
And she really wanted me to write that word,

338
00:11:55,099 --> 00:11:57,270
and I continued to return responsibility,

339
00:11:57,330 --> 00:11:59,460
and she continued to try to get me to write it.

340
00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:00,059
And guess what?

341
00:12:00,179 --> 00:12:01,549
She eventually spelled that word.

342
00:12:01,780 --> 00:12:05,419
Did it spell anniversary the way the dictionary would spell anniversary,

343
00:12:05,510 --> 00:12:06,450
not even close.

344
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,049
But she gave it to her parents anyway,

345
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,109
and they hung it up in their bedroom anyway.

346
00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:13,250
And at the end of the session,

347
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:13,950
she said,

348
00:12:14,599 --> 00:12:15,799
did I spell that right?

349
00:12:17,210 --> 00:12:19,380
I don't know any information that she doesn't know.

350
00:12:19,590 --> 00:12:19,989
So I said,

351
00:12:20,030 --> 00:12:20,280
oh,

352
00:12:20,309 --> 00:12:22,130
you're not sure if you spelled that right,

353
00:12:22,190 --> 00:12:23,789
but you spelled it the way you spelled it.

354
00:12:25,940 --> 00:12:28,030
There's a very important component

355
00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:29,580
to the no teaching,

356
00:12:29,659 --> 00:12:30,380
no instructing,

357
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:31,130
no preaching,

358
00:12:31,260 --> 00:12:32,330
no advising.

359
00:12:33,549 --> 00:12:35,539
What we're communicating is,

360
00:12:35,909 --> 00:12:37,419
you are fully in charge.

361
00:12:38,119 --> 00:12:39,640
You are fully capable.

362
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:43,659
And you can trust yourself to do anything that needs to be done.

363
00:12:44,289 --> 00:12:46,690
And it's far less about the outcome

364
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:48,469
than it is about the effort.

365
00:12:49,609 --> 00:12:51,210
So in the grand scheme of things,

366
00:12:51,750 --> 00:12:53,219
is there an appropriate way,

367
00:12:53,349 --> 00:12:53,820
air quote,

368
00:12:53,909 --> 00:12:54,989
to spell anniversary?

369
00:12:55,070 --> 00:12:55,549
Yes.

370
00:12:56,909 --> 00:12:57,419
But

371
00:12:57,630 --> 00:12:59,539
did she feel far more accomplished

372
00:12:59,950 --> 00:13:00,340
for

373
00:13:00,669 --> 00:13:05,140
struggling and wrestling with how to sound that out and do her best on that banner

374
00:13:05,789 --> 00:13:07,539
than me to just spell it for her?

375
00:13:07,789 --> 00:13:08,580
Absolutely.

376
00:13:10,650 --> 00:13:14,210
That's why we do not give anything to the child.

377
00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:16,380
If they don't know and they don't possess it,

378
00:13:16,469 --> 00:13:17,169
we don't either.

379
00:13:18,119 --> 00:13:20,070
So hopefully those 3 guidelines

380
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:20,950
will

381
00:13:21,309 --> 00:13:23,549
serve as kind of a grounding for you,

382
00:13:23,869 --> 00:13:25,590
things to keep in mind for sure,

383
00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:27,429
not skills necessarily,

384
00:13:27,679 --> 00:13:30,669
but definitely things that if we are not doing these things,

385
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,869
we are likely not adherent to the model,

386
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:36,159
and this series is all about adherence to the model.

387
00:13:37,030 --> 00:13:37,270
All right,

388
00:13:37,469 --> 00:13:38,070
shoot me an email.

389
00:13:38,109 --> 00:13:40,859
I'd love to hear from you brenna@thekidcounselor.com.

390
00:13:41,150 --> 00:13:44,020
I am solidifying details for the meetup.

391
00:13:44,270 --> 00:13:45,299
I now know the date.

392
00:13:45,349 --> 00:13:46,260
I now know,

393
00:13:46,349 --> 00:13:47,500
I think the place,

394
00:13:47,590 --> 00:13:49,469
so I'm just waiting for confirmation.

395
00:13:49,909 --> 00:13:52,219
So as soon as I have that situated,

396
00:13:52,590 --> 00:13:54,030
I will have it in the show notes.

397
00:13:54,070 --> 00:13:56,309
You can RSVP and I'm very much looking

398
00:13:56,309 --> 00:13:58,190
forward to hanging out with y'all if you're going

399
00:13:58,190 --> 00:14:02,400
to be in Houston or if you can drive to Houston or fly to Houston or.

400
00:14:03,140 --> 00:14:03,219
Plane,

401
00:14:03,229 --> 00:14:03,590
train,

402
00:14:03,669 --> 00:14:04,109
automobile.

403
00:14:04,150 --> 00:14:04,979
I don't care.

404
00:14:05,229 --> 00:14:06,340
However you want to get there,

405
00:14:06,469 --> 00:14:08,539
if you're gonna be in Houston for the conference,

406
00:14:08,549 --> 00:14:09,770
or you can get there,

407
00:14:09,989 --> 00:14:10,630
come hang out with me,

408
00:14:10,710 --> 00:14:11,359
it'll be fun.

409
00:14:11,669 --> 00:14:11,830
All right,

410
00:14:11,989 --> 00:14:12,309
love y'all.

411
00:14:12,380 --> 00:14:13,150
We'll talk again soon.

412
00:14:13,309 --> 00:14:13,549
Bye.

413
00:14:14,609 --> 00:14:17,369
Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr.

414
00:14:17,530 --> 00:14:18,479
Brenna Hicks.

415
00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:20,640
For more episodes and resources,

416
00:14:20,729 --> 00:14:25,489
please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.