No Best Friends: Sympathetic Resonance & the Architecture of Spiritual Community | Ajahn Nisabho

No more
sudd.
One of the answers is a reference to a
suta which many of you will know where
venerable Ananda says it is wonderful
Lord it is marvelous speaking to the
Buddha it strikes me that kalian
amittita is half of the holy life and
the Buddha says no venerable Ananda it
is whole of the holy life
and
in that he's also referencing this is
because I the Buddha am a spiritual
friend to sensient beings
um so there is a place for solitude and
practice there is a place for coming
back to that uh potential for awakening
in these teachings that the Buddha gave
us as a spiritual friend
and that suta highlights the importance
of community and of this term on our
path.
And it's interesting watching a
spiritual community form
because you see the potential beauty and
brightness in it.
And then you see the same old patterns
of in and out, popular, unpopular
clicks, a certain constrictedness of
spirit manifest because we're all human.
And so there's
an important role for remembering
what Calana Mitta means
and
re uh rededicating ourselves to
shaping this space in this community to
hold that most precious of jewels of
Calanamea.
There's a term
in uh well the term genius is different
in Greek. It initially or originally
meant
the spirit the animating spirit of a
place its genius.
And it was the also the piece of a being
or a place which emerged in its
fullness. The genius of a swan comes
when it steps into the water,
not so much when it's waddling on the
land.
And that word genius
is so important
because
what you find in these spaces of
kalanita spiritual community
is that because kalianita is not
predicated on how well your particular
personality gets along with another or
your ability to have a good time
but rather on, as many said, your
ability and commitment to supporting one
another on the path in wholesome
qualities and abandoning unh wholesome
qualities.
That there is a space
and grace and hospitality and
inclusivity
that allows the genius of each person to
emerge in a way that it maybe it never
has before in their lives. I know many
in the course of my years as a monk and
in this community as well
who maybe are people who if you'd met on
the street or in another context you
would have dismissed as not your type,
not interested, or perhaps your eyes
would have just slid over them a little
bit.
And what you see is when they're here
held with care and grace and
an eye towards their genius that their
full wingspan emerges and a brightness
of spirit that was waiting to be seen
comes. This is what we can hold for one
another in this space.
And I think of it often as uh strings.
Some of you have heard me invoke this
image before
where worldly relationship
is often like two entangled strings.
There's a push and pull of dynamic.
There's an entangledness.
Dharmic friendship. Kalenita is
more like what is referred to in music
as sympathetic resonance.
where in a symphony or an orchestra, if
you pluck the string of one instrument,
all the strings on all the instruments
around tuned to the same note will
resonate just a little bit and you'll
hear a hum.
This is the gentle note of cali
where you're all touching a similar note
and path internally.
We had a community member who once said,
"I've never felt closer to anyone than
these people. And yet when I leave, I I
don't miss them." And that sounds
monstrous from a worldly perspective,
but it's true. There's a sense of not
having parted. I remember when I went to
Thailand as a monk, the people I would
call who were still walking, you know,
this path of spiritual growth and
dedication,
there was never a sense that we'd missed
each other. We were still at that tuned
to that same note.
And I think you know this also by when
the Buddha teaches a discourse and
someone is inspired, they say, "It's
wonderful. It's marvelous, Lord. It's as
if what had been turned upside down has
been turned upright. as if what had been
covered has been revealed. As if a
person had lit light a lamp for those
with eyes to see, shapes in the dark.
And in each of those situations, there's
not a sense of something new being given
to you, either by teaching or community,
but rather of recognition, something
you've known, a home you've come back
to. Homecoming. One of the words for
cessation in Buddh Buddhism atangama
means settling or coming home or walking
each other home.
And so that sense when you meet someone
on this path and there's just a sense of
oh hey I've never met you before but you
again you know and you can chalk that up
to karmic resonance or past lives. I
like to but also there's just a sense
you're tuned to the same note.
And so what this means and it's
interesting as a monk when you you know
people will be like is Ajin Kov your
best friend? I love Ajin Kovilo but um
but there's something very ugly about
that word special friend best friend.
There's just not very ugly, but it just
doesn't quite sit right anymore
because we're all brothers and sisters
on this path
and we're aligned in dharma
and in the sense in this community
everyone's special and no one's special
and that is beautiful. It really is.
And what that means is it takes a very
careful eye and you'll see obviously
this come out in your own interaction
with this community. You'll see, you
know, the classic judging of who's in
and who's out, who's popular, who's not,
who do I give time to, who do I not? I
have a care careful curated meditation
group at home. I could invite that
person, but they talk a lot or they
breathe loudly or they're a little
awkward.
We all have those dynamics.
And to know that in these spaces,
I can't tell you how many times that
question has come up of like, oh, I have
a great, you know, I'm going to the
retreat. I have a nice little car ride
planned. I have room for one more. I see
that person kind of foreign laurenly
hanging out over in the corner, but it's
a really nice car full of people. I
don't know if I want to mess with that
dynamic.
And every time that you're you just pull
in and go with your initial plan, at
least for me, I think 100% of the time,
there's a sense you've narrowed your
heart and you've missed the boat. And so
time and again now this phrase rings out
in my mind of like never be stingy with
the dharma. Never be stingy with the
dharma. You always almost always there's
some space for you know times when you
have you know
constraints on who you invite to things
etc obviously but in general when I've
opened the heart when you just invite
the person it's beautiful and you sense
you've touched the route you were
supposed to walk through dharma I think
the ties set this example very well
there's an inclusivity an openness a
hospitality a warmth of playfulness
And so
I think that's just very important to
keep in mind as we create this space of
remembering sympathetic resonance. Cali
and Amita. Um there's a rule in the
vineia that we aren't allowed to arrange
group meals when there's four monastics
or more going to a meal. We can't decide
who to invite. we actually have to could
put it up for lottery or do kind of
randomized or a different way of kind of
including everyone. So, you know, you
can hold that with wisdom, but just
consider like if you do have a a group
of people you really feel comfortable
with, what would it mean just to make
room for a few people you haven't
invited before, what would it mean to
like pay attention to the person you've
been dismissing a little bit in
conversation? This is a space where you
give a gift of letting someone emerge in
a way they maybe never have in their
whole life. Because there are very few
spaces like this where the quiet souls,
the quiet chittas with deep wings, with
broad wingspans can spread them fully.
There's hidden bodhic sattas all around
us.
And the Buddha said when he was talking
to uh he goes to in this one suta um
he asks these monks who are living
together how they live in Concord and
they say
I think how wonderful it is that I have
such spiritual companions to live the
holy life with. We gaze at each other
with kindly eyes mixing like milk and
water and think
why don't I put aside what I want to do
and do what these venerable ones want to
do. Doing so we live in concord.
And when the Buddha laid out the six uh
kind of guidelines for spiritual
community called the kosambia suta, he
said, "One dwells cultivating acts of
loving kindness towards one's companions
in the spiritual life by body, speech,
and mind.
One dwells with virtue in tune with
one's spiritual companions.
When one receives gains righteously
gained, one does not partake of them
without first having shared with one's
spiritual companions
and one shares right view with one's
spiritual companions. Right view which
is onward leading, penetrating, leading
to the ending of stress and suffering.
And then he gives seven qualities of
that which we'll touch later.
But that first of loving kindness
towards bo uh through acts of body
both in public and private.
Some of you will know this story where
the Buddha was walking with venerable
Nandanda and they come across a sick
monk covered in vomit and um his own
fluids and they ask why no other SA
members had been caring for them and
they say you know he wasn't that liked
in the community and the Buddha and
venerable Nanda lift him onto a bed and
care for him and the Buddha says to
venerable Nanda remember venerable Nanda
for any of you who care for the sick you
care for me. It's as if you care for me.
Can we have a community where you when
you hear someone is ill and there are
many in this community who are moving
through illness or ill in spirit and
going through difficulty,
can we have a community where you the
first thing you do is offer to cook them
a casserole? Casserles apparently are
the go-to for grief food. I don't know
why. Or a pie or just your first
reaction. And you'll know that your
practice is gaining momentum when the
first reaction you have to receiving a
gift is who can I give it to? Or when
you hear someone sick, how can I help?
Can that be this this community? We have
people here who have come across people
in the community who've been out of a
place to live and immediately offered
them a place to stay. I can think of two
right right now. What would it mean to
have that ethos?
You have uh venerable saruta and many
don't know this but venerable saruta the
Buddha's foremost disciple in wisdom he
would stay back from alms round
sometimes just to sweep the monastery
quietly this is the Buddha's right-hand
man he's literally on the right usually
um and he would stay back and just
quietly try to sleep sweep up so that
none of the lay people who visited the
monastery would lose faith what would it
mean to see these quiet acts acts of
loving kindness done.
One maintains bodily uh verbal acts of
loving kindness towards spiritual
companions both in public and private.
The second quality.
So gossip.
This is I think the great Achilles heel
of maybe all human communities.
Um but certainly Buddhist communities
are subject to the same.
St. And Teresa of Avila was known for
never saying something around another
person that she would not say to their
face. Venerable Satim has taken that on
for this period as well. Another bikuni
at Parana,
Joseph uh or Long Propos
speaking about others in a way that
would leave the slightest mark.
And you'll notice, yeah, there's a
juiciness to gossip, but if they're
gossiping about someone with you,
what are they saying about you?
And that trust you can gain in someone
who when you kind of, you know, just lay
out the gentle invitation for like, oh,
I heard, you know, and they don't
respond and they you clearly this person
does not gossip. How safe you feel
knowing that they hold you with that
same spirit.
And so there are times, you know,
there's there are times when you have
concern about someone or you're dealing
with a difficult situation and need
feedback where you need to ask another
person for advice, but you can frame
those moments carefully. Say, I usually
don't speak behind about people behind
their back, but I I really genuinely
need some help right now or I'm
concerned. Frame it and then put it
down. But what would it mean to have a
community where we don't gossip? And
there's uh an element where we all have
those gossipy kind of friends and
there's a sense where you can let them
talk but you don't really say anything
back but you get all the goods without
having you know soleied your own karma
at all. Right? It's like gossip by
proxy. What would it mean to stay back
from that even a little bit? It is so
beautiful. It is a thunderclap when you
have someone in a spiritual community.
You can't do this with everyone in your
life obviously. Some are on a different
page, but where you just bring up a good
quality, be like, "Actually, I saw that
person do something really beautiful
last week, and they'll get the person
you're talking to will get the message.
I'm not interested."
There's a suta called the Saparisa Suta
where the Buddha says, "A true person
when asked about their own good
qualities, uh, holds back. When pressed
with questions, they speak little
holding back. When asked about their own
qual bad qualities, they speak in full
without restraint or without holding
back. We all have to hold that somewhat
carefully and with wisdom. A true person
when asked about another's bad qualities
holds back. When pressed with questions,
they speak little.
When a true person is asked about
another person's good qualities, they
speak in full, not holding back.
Lean against the wind with this.
Epicitus
uh of the Greeks said that if someone
tells you that someone has spoken badly
of you say they only said that much if
they'd known all my bad qualities they
would have said a lot more.
I love that.
Obviously you don't want to invoke a
false humility but what does it mean to
really hold back with with that
humbleness and praise another? Praise
another.
If you have someone in your life who is
a really gossipy person and you find
this extremely difficult, you can use a
skillful me and say, "Look, I'm really
trying not to speak about others behind
their back. Could you help me with that?
Could you if you hear me kind of
gossiping, call me on it." And really,
you're talking about them a little bit,
but maybe they'll get the message of
like, "Okay, we're holding each other to
this standard." Now, this is really
important in this community for us to
feel safe
when anger comes up to give feedback
using the five the conditions for
admonishment. I've mentioned this before
in the vineia in the monastic code.
We're not allowed to give admonishment
feedback to another monastic. Usually,
unless we've fulfilled 15 conditions,
there's a lot. There's like five, three
different lists of five. The two ones I
want to hold up now are speaking from a
mind of loving kindness and asking and
receiving permission.
Can we hold that much in this community?
Because that those two firewalls will
change everything. I know one monastic
who's had to wait a whole year before
having a mind of loving kindness. But
usually it won't take that long. Usually
it's just wait 15 minutes until that
splinter of annoyance is gone because
people will sense if you have that in
you and it'll change the whole
conversation.
Wait until you can speak from loving
kindness with each other. Be curious. Be
gentle. Understand that often you don't
need to call someone on something right
away. We're mindful in this community.
Usually give people a chance, ask them
questions or just give them a chance to
see it of the their own accord and trust
mindfulness, too.
verbal acts of loving kindness
and mental acts of loving kindness in
public and private.
I've never really known what public acts
of mental unkindness means in this case,
but in terms of how you hold this.
I really think of this when you have
someone in the community who is
difficult like venerable sen who's our
teacher without us necessarily having
asked for them to be our teacher.
Can you remember I need to maintain
mental acts of loving kindness towards
these companions?
And don't think of them necessarily as
your friend in that moment. Think of
them as your brother or your sister in
the dharma.
And the goal and one of the purposes of
your family is to show you where your
buttons are. And that's something we do
for each other. Thank goodness is but
it's done in a space of safety with
people you can talk with. there's a
crucible at work in this gym now in this
community where we have a chance to
truly purify our hearts together but
that it happens in relationship.
So have gratitude for that. I've
mentioned this before, but the Sufi
teacher Gertief who there was one very
difficult person in his community and
one day he was gone and this person just
got on everyone nerves too much and they
chased him away and Gertief returned and
said, "Where's where's where's this
person?" And they said, "Oh, he got he
just went too far. We we told him to
leave." And Gertie said, "That person
has the particularly unique quality of
making everyone around him angry. I pay
him to be here. We need to go get him.
There's a teaching in the Mahayana that
the bodhic sappas split off part of
their chittas and send them down as the
difficult boss or the friend or the
situation to push and teach us.
This is how we can think of those and
with compassion because if someone is
bringing a lot of suffering into a space
then they'll be suffering too.
Maintain acts of loving kindness.
And as Ajin Kovilo referenced a few
weeks ago, part of our practice can also
be dedicating the goodness of our lives
to those we love and in this community.
Are you holding a few people in this
community in in your heart and telling
them that you're thinking of them?
Because there's people in this
community, I guarantee who can use that
right now. We have people who have just
recovered from cancer, who've just come
down with cancer, been diagnosed with
it, who've lost mothers, who are having
children who are going through
addiction. Can we hold them?
The next one dwells with tila, virtue in
tune
and just supporting one another in
holding to
a standard of virtue which is truly
unique in the world.
And know that when you hold your own
sila purely, your own virtue,
you set an example that will touch those
around you.
And really considering
supporting one another in that through
either getting a confession partner.
Confession is a loaded term, but it's
called opening in Buddhism where every
two weeks Ajin Kovilo and I do this. We
encourage people to do it on our Discord
server. We have a whole formula where
you open your heart and air the dusty
corners and say the things that you wish
you'd done a little more beautifully and
rejoice in the things you did
beautifully. What would it mean to open
that hand to one another or just to a
Buddha image at least?
And the fifth aspect
where the Buddha says that one does not
partake of gains righteously gained
without first sharing with one's
companions.
I know uh in other I have a friend a
monk friend who lived in Japan who said
in Japan this aspect of giving is so
deeply ingrained. If you walk into
someone's house and compliment a
painting on the wall, there's roughly a
50% chance they'll take it down and try
to give it to you.
But what would it mean to really take
the Buddhist words seriously when he
says, "If beings only knew, as I knew,
the fruits of giving, they never would
eat without having first given. Not if
that it was their last mouthful, they
would not eat without first having given
if there is someone to give to. But
because beings do not know as I know the
fruits of giving, they eat without
having given and stinginess overcomes
their mind.
So just making a habit of giving to one
another. Train it. You'll notice
whenever Ajin Kovo and I we invite other
monastics, we have gifts for them. I
have gifts for both of you. They're
hidden behind the shoe screen. Um
but what would it mean to have that? Or
whenever you come, you don't have to
bring a big dish for the potluck, but
just maybe make two PB&J sandwiches and
cut them into little squares. Just
something come with something. What
would it mean to come with something to
give a little bit? And when that impulse
comes, I could give this and give it.
Ajin Chaw says sometimes it requires a
little bit of fierceness. Like you have
two apples. You want to keep the big
apple, but give the big apple. He says,
give it, give the big apple.
and he he grunts like that. It's in
there. That's a quote. Um it's better in
Thai. Um
but for this community to have that that
quality of, you know, and and you really
see when this has been trained, we have
someone here who on Mother's Day brought
I think 10 different bouquets of flowers
to give out, who's dedicated their first
paycheck to five grandmothers back in
their home country and an orphanage.
Give and trust that quality of letting
go. It is the first on the list of
paritas spiritual perfections and it is
the last that the Buddha perfected. It
is relinquishment of self at its most
profound level from the beginning to the
end give.
And if you are about to order that
Amazon item, what would it mean just to
change the address to a friend's you
know
and part of that is hospitality.
The Buddha said there's six objects of
reverence. the Buddha, the Dharma, the
Sana, training, heedfulness,
and hospitality,
receiving guests.
And I love how he adds that fifth
because we can get so fixated on the
first five with just we're doing our own
practice, this person's getting in the
way. I remember as a young monk at Mop
John where I ordained, I would be kind
of devoting myself to my own meditation,
but I was the guest monk. And then we'd
learned that 15 people had come
unannounced from Malaysia for a retreat.
And my job was for a week to just look
after all of them. And there's a part of
the young monk's mind which does not
rejoice, leap up and grow confident in
such news. But if you turn your heart
completely to my practice now is making
someone feel as cared for as I can. This
is sacred. It was the most brightening
experience. And then when I went to
visit another monastery, I somehow ended
up in the Abbottzkouti. And I feel like
that was karma. So
trust this aspect of hospitality.
So if you aren't opening up your home
once every two weeks, can you do that?
Can you open up and feed people?
Can you make room in your gatherings for
those who you might not otherwise?
If you haven't signed up for our
hospitality and housesitting WhatsApp
group, consider it because if this
monastery thing is going to work out, we
need people to host people. It is such a
gift. I know it's an ask. And this is
the thing is true Donna often hurts a
little bit. It's how you know you're
really pushing the edge. When I'm
packing for a trip, I think many of you
know the sense. You come to the point of
your baggage where you're like, "Oo, any
more gifts and this is going to be
awkward." Push past that always a little
bit. Stretch. Find what you're stingy
with. Is it time? Is it attention? Is it
the spotlight? Give that away. Is it
your sense of this is my home and this
is my sacred space? Can you open it and
invoke that sanctity which is deeper?
Where is your trigger point? Where is
yourself hiding? And challenge that by
giving.
We want a community where if someone
posts that they're coming to Seattle, we
have five or six people offer their
homes immediately and you will find
there's huge brightness. These are
amazing people who are coming to us. Can
you open your home? Can you open your
heart? Can you open the car ride? Can
you open the group which you've
cultivated a little bit to others?
Sympathetic resonance, a deeper song.
And finally,
the sixth quality is right view which is
shared towards the ending of suffering.
And this is the fact that we're all
walking the same path here supporting
each other on it. And I think this is
why so many communes failed is they
didn't have this shared right view.
And when the Buddha outlines this,
he talks about one with right view has
considers, do I have the character of
one with right view?
What is the character of one with right
view? Just as a mother cow would always
know even as she was grazing where her
calf was. Even so, as one goes about
one's daily tasks, one does not lose
their respect and care for her training
in the higher mind.
Even as you do your task, can you always
be thinking of this path? Someone has
thought of the bu Buddhanu sati
recollection of the Buddha as how a
mother always is thinking a little bit
of her child. This is always in your
heart.
Or the Buddha says one says, "Do I have
the character of one with right view?"
Just as a tender infant would draw back
their foot or hand from a flame, even so
if one transgresses virtue, their
precepts, one immediately opens their
heart to another companion in the holy
life and confesses it. What does it mean
where when you see, oh, I did something
un beautiful there, you immediately go
to someone you trust and just open
yourself to them. This is embarrassing,
but it's fun if you have someone you
trust. It opens no dusty corners.
And then the Buddha says, "The strength
of one of right view is that when the
dharma taught by the blessed one is
being taught, one lends ear and gains
joy in that teaching."
And I love that the strength, our
strength as dharma practitioners is our
love of hearing the dharma. And that can
be listening to a talk, but it can be
hearing and looking for the dharma in
each of us around us. There is dharma
speaking in each person here. How can
you find that and hold it with care? And
if we keep with care this spiritual
community and create this architecture
of faith, then the monastery itself will
take care of itself physically. But this
is what's precious. Be it in a gym or
northbend. So I'm wishing you all all
the best.
Suan.
>> So, we have time for some questions or
comments. Feel free to raise your hand
and we'll have a mic over to you or if
you're on Zoom, you can raise your
cartoon hand. And this we get to open up
to Silananda and Kema as well.
Don't be too shy because we admonished
you at the beginning of this gathering.
That's not right. It's okay. You can
raise your hands. Just being mindful.
Hello. Thank you so much for the talk
and the meditation. They both were
beautiful. Uh my question is for
venerable Selenanda. Um when you were
talking about the friends and teachers
and parents and everyone that has
supported you in your life, I really
started feeling like that gratitude and
just joy for everything that they've
given me. And it somehow became, oh,
they are right here. Like I can feel
that these two nice gentlemen be next to
me are my friends sort of already. So I
was wondering if that sounds um
useful to you as a practice when you're
not on the couch or how is it that you
that you practice with this? Thank you.
Are you related to the two men next to
you? Okay, just checking.
Uh I remember the first time I realized
the power of this meditation. Um I went
to the airport to get on a flight and I
was the whole experience was blissful
because I could see like how all the
people around me were um helping to make
that possible. And yeah, everywhere I
looked, I I saw kindness. I saw uh
cooperation, generosity, and believe me,
that was not my previous experience at
the airport. It was always like, how can
I get through this as quickly as
possible? How can I maximize my comfort?
How can I get away from the annoying
people? Things like that. But I think
you know to your question yeah if you do
this meditation a lot it per it starts
to pervade your your space and so
anywhere you enter into you
automatically pick up on um acts of
goodwill and I'm sure the two gentlemen
next to you are very well behaved um and
maybe you even smiled at you but even if
they didn't like they're just they've
taken the time out this morning to come
to a a gathering where people are
creating virtues. So that is definitely
something to notice and to rejoice in.
So I think that yeah it that's exactly
kind of the effect that this meditation
can have. It it radiates outwards this
perception of kindness all around you
and it I mean it seems to have no limits
actually. Like sometimes I stare at the
carpet and I'm like somebody designed
that pattern. like I've been staring at
it actually for the past hour, but you
know, someone put thought into it and
the whole purpose is to like vent your
feet from being cold. So, it's like
really profound. Um, so I'm really glad
you had that experience.
I thanks um both for the talk of the
meditation. Um, as I think about some of
the practices that were shared today,
um, I find them to be really easy in
this setting and in this community, but
when I think about leaving this
community, they become a little less
easy. Um, particularly Ajan, you made
this point on on right view. um for
those who may not be on the path or have
right view um practicing these things in
a communal sense can sometimes uh
introduce tension where I want to invite
um you know the maximum number of people
but if we don't all share the same views
there could be some tension in a group
so I just like to hear your thoughts on
Yeah, great question.
I think there's those in our lives who,
you know, are have different values than
us and um who we have no choice but to
have time with um and spend time with.
And I I really think with many like that
it you know holding these virtuous the
word for good in or kind of goodness of
a kind in Buddhism is kusla which means
skillfulness skill um because it's it's
an acquired skill that you have to
cultivate like how do you navigate in
the world that does not support these
values without gossiping without
compromising your own sense of integrity
and it takes some really skillful means
that are sometimes a little playful and
sometimes creative.
Um, you know, one thing is you will find
as you practice, you know, your path
begins to diverge a bit from old
friendships. It just does. And one thing
I've recommended is instead of trying to
juggle a bunch of coffee dates or
something with old friends who you maybe
you don't resonate with in the same way.
See if you can batch all all those
friends into like one or two dinners a
month or something and bring them all
together and then just give and let
trust that note of giving to drown out
any sort of discord and just be
brightening and honor those
relationships because cutting it off
often is not the right decision.
And with others who um and obviously we
don't there's there shouldn't be
judgment here, you know, like we're all
on different paths. Um,
but it is worth acknowledging who's
supporting our values. Um, and so with
those that we're inevitably in a lot of
contact with, family or certain
co-workers or friends, I really find it
almost like a game like how can I find
their dharmic language, you know, and
not compromise my own sea, be silent at
the right times or steer the
conversation correctly or kind of joke a
little bit. um or how can I ask
questions that lead them to talk about
something that's really actually
meaningful to them as well. Um so yeah,
it is difficult and when I say you know
try to include a lot of people you know
who wouldn't otherwise be included in a
in a gathering I mean people whose
values align like the Buddha did say
associate with wise people. Um it is
okay to
be distinguishing those people in your
life to some extent. I and hold this
very lightly. We don't want to judge. Um
it's just some people will support these
qualities in your life and you want to
draw near them. So don't know if that
answered the question at all. Okay.
Whenever the Buddha lays out often a
kind of idea like one dwells with
virtue, he says he always adds this or
usually and one does not exalt oneself
and disparage others. So just always
keeping that in mind even while we make
distinguish distinctions between who we
want to spend time with a lot.
Yeah. In the back there.
Oh, sorry. Sorry. What are you going to
say? Please, you're closer there
actually.
>> Thank you.
>> Thank you, Ajan. Thank you for the
meditation and the talk. It was really
good. I was able to connect to a part of
me that has been struggling with the
person I love the most, my mother, but
who is the person who challenged me the
most. And actually yesterday when when
sharing with a couple of kalan kalyanas,
we were sharing this struggle our
biggest teachers and how I see it with
my mother. The one who challenged me the
most with my patients is my mom. And
they they have the same struggle. How to
cultivate the growth, the support and
asking for that support from these
spiritual friends instead of just
complaining and trauma dumping on them.
Thank you.
So the Can you repeat the question? I'm
sorry.
Is it how to
talk?
>> How to cultivate growth
>> with these kalana?
How to not just to trauma dump? not just
to share the complaining about our
people but also ask for the support and
growth together. Mhm.
>> I I think if you frame it like you just
did, it would really set the tone for
the the whole interaction. And the fact
that you're talking to Kalana Mitas
already, you're with a group that
understands what's skillful speech,
what's unskillful speech, and they
probably have a a good motivation of
wanting to help, not wanting to harm you
or your mother. Um, but I really liked
what Ajan Nisabo said about kind of
owning um, whatever difficulty you're
having with somebody. You could say,
"Yeah, I don't want to gossip or
slander. Um, but I'm struggling right
now and I'm I'm needing some support."
So, you know, asking explaining to them
where you're coming from, asking are are
you able to help me with this? Maybe
they're not. Maybe they're also
struggling with their mother at the
time. So just, you know, being very
clear about your intention and the fact
that you're already talking to a group
of of spiritual friends. I think that's
a really great place to start. And um
yeah, I think that's about it.
>> One more and we'll just make Alex run
all the way over. Could we also have the
two men who are sitting next to Janette
stand just so we can see if you are
indeed well behaved?
Good. Good. Yes. All right. Yeah, they
check out.
>> Um, this is kind of a follow-up question
to the previous question.
Um, how do you know when you're,
you know, in a relationship with
somebody, whether that's a friend or
not, and it's gotten to the point where
a majority of the relationship is you
practicing your patience. And so in a
way, you know, they're helping you along
that journey. But at what point
is is it appropriate or what signs do
you see in yourself where it would be
for the best to maybe cut ties, you
know, where cuz just considering
boundaries at a certain point, you know,
you can only practice so much and it's
just a a touchy kind of balance. So just
looking for some guidance as to when is
it appropriate to yeah kind of step
back.
That's a great question.
I think um Ajin Amro compares our
interaction with the world to sharpening
a knife where you balance occlusion and
interaction or say immersion in
spiritual friendship with sort of
interaction with other notes and people
um where if the angle of the blade is
too shallow and you're just pulling away
and kind of coming into yourself all the
time, there's no sharpening. But if it's
if the angle's too sharp and you're
always kind of interacting too much
where you can't maintain mindfulness,
then it, you know, do the blade too. Um,
so you need to get the right angle. And
I think a really healthy metric for that
is, you know, in the long term, am I
able to maintain a sense of kind of
centeredness here? A sense of my own
kind of Yeah. center of gravity. And
with some interactions what I find is
there's a point where you are working
with something and then there's a point
where it begins to take up resonance in
you the dynamic the sar is almost become
encrusted in you and that's not a good
sign and I think really noticing when
you need to take a step back in those
cases
um yeah and you'll also notice there's
certain points say with family
especially where you won't really be
able to tell where your defilements
begin and theirs begin that the
tentacles are just tangled and it's like
a mess and in those situations like
knowing okay I might need a little
distance until I can see where my realm
of responsibility ends and theirs begins
again and can maintain that level of
sila.
I would say that cutting things off with
radio silence often requires a huge
amount of energy to sustain. It takes
huge energy to sustain radio silence
with family or something. And so to be
really cautious with that move but there
are chances for that. But there's also
chances for like skillful boundaries or
playful ones, you know, just saying I,
you know, establishing a clear agreement
between you like I if you talk to me in
this way, I I I actually I'm not going
to I'll I'll just leave. That's sort of
a boundary that we're agreeing to
together. And if it happens, then you
can invoke it in the future. um or some
kind of playful, skillful means where
it's like look uh for every time you
kind of snap at me um you've got to
watch this movie with me that you hate
but I really like you know like sorry
and I'm keeping ch tabby just like a
spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go
down sometimes but yeah this we are not
doormats here it's important to know how
to draw boundaries yeah anything to add
either of you
okay
Yeah, I think Aan, you focused on really
knowing your own limits, your own
capacity, and I would put the focus
there. Um, and being really honest
sometimes
we can't handle things that we think we
should be able to or that we used to be
able to. So to just, you know, provide
ourselves with compassion, understanding
in these situations is quite difficult
for us. Um so to yeah not be afraid to
say this is too much. Um but also your
question it it made me think that
sometimes we don't know the answer to
something unless we kind of experiment
like we have to kind of try different
approaches different strategies. Um and
me that always makes me a little bit
uncomfortable. I want to know what's the
one right way to do something. But
sometimes there isn't and it's a dynamic
the other person you know is has many
different sides as well. So it's a
matter of like um being willing to yeah
see things from a different angle and
then try something out but really being
taking care of oursel in the process and
just really knowing our own heart mind
and whether it's it's getting too much
and being willing to step back but
keeping our heart open. If you know if
you're able to engage in the future,
always leaving that as a possibility.