92. The psychology of platonic soulmates

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. Thank you for joining us for another episode. Today, we're going to talk about the idea of platonic soulmates. Now, this topic, this idea was inspired by a conversation that I had with a friend recently. We were talking about relationships. But I think I'm at this stage where the primary relationships in my life are my friendships, and especially in the last two years, I have felt a love and these feelings and emotions for them that are deeper than some of the romantic experiences and romantic connections that I felt. I've had friends, and I've realized this recently, who I have loved more than any boyfriend, than any partner. Their love has sustained me for longer periods of time. It has been unconditional. I can look at them and know that they will never judge me, that they make my life better, that I grow and I learn from them, and it's this feeling that doesn't really seem to fit in the friendship box for me. It's something a lot more profound, and a key characteristic of those kinds of relationships are that distance doesn't really matter, proximity doesn't matter, even similarity doesn't matter. It seems that there is this almost soulful, deep inexplainable sensation and bond that ties us together. I think we often think about the idea of soulmates and the concept of soulmates in a very restricted manner. We often think about it in terms of romance, we think about it in terms of sex, and sometimes and often, there is this debate around whether platonic soulmates can even exist, and part of that discussion is whether men and women can really truly be friends and whether friendship between opposite genders isn't going to be taken up by some sexual tension. And I think that the existence of platonic soulmates is the greatest evidence that that can be the case, that that can be the truth. Because these kinds of relationships they are they kind of blur the lines between friendship and romance, and I think that's why they're so valuable to talk about today. Sex is not everything. I think we know that and and it's particularly evident when we explore this concept. So today we're going to explore the psychology behind platonic soulmates, the distinction between these relationships and friendships compared to our partners, whether they are real, what the science and the psychology has to say about the feelings they give us, and the foundation of these deep, almost out of body relationships. But further to that, how we know if someone is a platonic soulmate, if someone who has entered our lives matches this profile and this description. This episode it is dedicated to my platonic soulmates, the loves of my life. Without further ado, let's get into it. A platonic soulmate is a feeling of deep connection and understanding without the romance that we typically associate with the term soulmate, without the physical connection, without the sexual chemistry. Consequently, I think that platonic soulmates offer each other almost a deep soul connection that goes beyond feelings of friendship and hits at something deeper that we can't always explain. The term platonic soulmate was named after the famous ancient philosopher Plato who came up or was the first one to express this idea of a relationship and a deep love that cannot be pigeonholed into a romantic kind of box, and it breaks away from typical conventions of what we think love should look like. According to this clinical psychologist, her name is Meredith Fuller's, platonic soulmates are a very long term, solid, trusting, and highly satisfying relationship. And this is backed up by this idea of the triangular theory of love that we have spoken about before on the show. So, according to the triangular theory of love, there are three things that people want in a relationship. One is passion and that comes to include things like sex and lust and chemistry and physical connection. The second is intimacy, and that doesn't just need to mean physical intimacy, it also means emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, mental intimacy, and finally commitment. Those three elements are what makes up any healthy relationship when we think about romance. But we can adapt that triangular theory of love to represent our soulmates and our platonic soulmates in a better life. So it is just those second two characters ristics firstly intimacy and secondly commitment that a platonic soulmate offers us. And it can also sometimes include passion, not so much sex and lust, hence the term platonic, meaning devoid of sex and devoid of that kind of physical engagement, but passion in another sense, passion for what they're passionate about, Passion for their life, passion for their journey. I think it's important to stress, and I know I just said it, but they do not contain this kind of element of lust or sexual arousal, which I think honestly makes our platonic soulmates in our platonic friendships a lot more sustainable, although that may be controversial. I think when we add sex and we add physical intimacy into the mix, it does become a lot more complicated, which is why we kind of put platonic soulmates on a bit of a pedestal. They feel more pure to us, and I honestly think that these relationships don't get the credit that they deserve, and they're not recognized enough in broader society. We tend to think that there is one person out there for us, who is going to make our life a fairy tale. They're going to complete the puzzle, as they say, and that person is the person that we marry or the people that we date, whereas our friendships are kind of secondary to that. And I think the idea and the introduction of this concept of platonic soulmates kind of flips that narrative. But it can be controversial, I think perhaps because of the conflation and use of the term soulmate, which people appear to be really protective over the terms soulmates or twin flames. Maybe it's important to stop and kind of rest on that point for a second here. I did do a full episode on it. But essentially, it's this idea that you have a connection with someone that extends beyond all it's almost extraterrestrial, it's out of body. It is to do with things like fate and the universe and God, all of these things that we can't always put a tangible name to, and it's this idea that two souls abound in some supernatural way. And like I said before, it's often viewed that a partner is what offers you that there can be this expectation that we marry our soulmates and we make a life with them, we have a family. Hence why it's become a massive term in dating. I see this all the time. I get so many dms about this. I see it on my TikTok algorithm on my Instagram about people who want to meet their soulmate, or who claim that the person they're marrying is their soulmate. This idea is everywhere, but it's not always applied to our friendships. We have this belief, there is this massive narrative that we only have one and I don't believe that is true. I think that platonic soulmates do exist. They're not just good friends. They don't have to conflate sex with deep emotional commitment. It's that there is an individual or multiple individuals out there who can provide your self and your soul with what we normally and typically reserve for only a romantic partner. It's this individual who comes into your life and seems to have almost this golden touch where they make everything better for you, and it doesn't mean that you need to be sexually attracted to them. I think that that is the point I keep coming back to. But in this situation, I think sex is secondary, and what it shows is that deep emotional commitment and sex don't need to coexist for someone to be your soulmate. When I think about this in terms of other examples, I think about people in their seventy who have been together since they were nineteen or twenty, and they might not be being intimate physically anymore, but a lot of us would look at them and still call them soulmates because there is that emotional commitment. Or I think about asexuality. Just because someone isn't sexually attracted to someone doesn't mean that they can't feel a deep emotional commitment and satisfaction when they're around them. And I think that's what matters the most. It's the emotional intimacy that is shared between two people. Emotional intimacy I think matters in every relationship. But when we think about the idea of platonic soulmates, the pressure is a little bit heightened to have that very organic emotional intimacy with someone. And essentially, this term this idea, it refers to the sharing of thoughts and feelings with another person in a way that is trusting, in a way that is safe and in a way that is vulnerable. It's about being emotionally open and honest with each other. And there are three components to emotional intimacy that don't just matter for platonic soulmates, but for all relationships that we want to cultivate and sustain. These are trust, vulnerability, and communication. You can't have emotional intimacy with anyone in your life if those three things are not sustained, the first one being trust. Yes, when we think about that in terms of relationships, normally we think about fidelity and infidelity and being able to trust that your partner is loyal and being able to trust that your partners in your corner. But when we examine that a little bit deeper, I think trust also just refers to the idea, in the sensation that this person will always be in your corner, that they will never be cruel, they'll never be callous, they aren't going to try and cause you harm. And although that might seem like kind of a low barrier or not really a barrier at all, it's quite a low standard that you trust someone isn't going to try and sabotage you. If that isn't in place, if you can't trust that that person really cares about you and cares about your future and your goals and your welfare. How in the world are you meant to move on to that next stage of emotional intimacy, which is vulnerability. I love the idea of vulnerability. I adore it, and as someone who listens to a lot of Brene Brown, who talks about vulnerability quite a bit, I think it is such an undervalued characteristic and trait and experience to be shared with other people. Being vulnerable doesn't just mean trauma dumping on whoever walks in the door. It's about wanting to share your truth and having it seen and having it heard, and knowing that the other person isn't going to judge you, and that they will reciprocate your vulnerability with their own. That is what I think is at the hime out of any beautiful long term relationship, whether that be a romantic soulmate or a platonic soulmate, is this idea that you can be your worst self your best self with that person. You can be so vulnerable, you can break down in front of them, you can be selfish in front of them, you can say things you've never said to anyone else, and they'll still love you. It's that unconditional compassion and unconditional love and affection that they will always have, and that's really hard to come by. I think the only way that some people ever feel that is with their family members, and even then sometimes that's not the case. So vulnerability is the second ingredient of emotional intimacy that I think is important to remember and to kind of to cultivate. And the final one is communication. You can't know someone, you can't love someone, you can't see someone if the relationship is only marked by silence, if you don't openly communicate about what is actually going on in your brain. And I think communication is this way of peering into our subconscious and our unconscious minds, in allowing someone to see the things that we want them to see. There is this idea, and I think the thing that gets in the way of a lot of our romantic relationships and even our friendships sometimes is thinking that people should be able to read your mind and thinking that if they know you well enough, you shouldn't have to communicate with them how you're feeling and what's going on with you. But all good relationships have a level of communication that allows them to be sustained. And regardless of whether you are connected with someone through this magical, soulful, inexplicable bond, you still need to be able to communicate with them and show them that you care and let them into your mind. So those are the three kind of pillars of emotional intimacy that I think allow us and provide us with the opportunity to have an idea like soulmates. They are again, trust, vulnerability, and communication, and if you don't have those, you won't be able to be emotionally intimate with someone else. And I think that differs from physical intimacy a lot. I don't even think that needs explaining, but sometimes we use physical intimacy to kind of mask our vulnerability and to kind of prevent us from having to be emotionally intimate with someone. Hence the idea of emotional unavailability. When we see a relationship only as chemistry and only as that spark, we forget about the thing that matters the most, which is that deep connection and ability to be present with someone and to let them in. And I think that's where we see the idea of platonic soulmates really come into play, because in that situation, there isn't that sexual element, there isn't that physical intimacy. The relationship is built on purely a foundation of emotional intimacy, and then also mental and spiritual intimacy as well. I kind of want to take a moment to talk about my own platonic soulmates. For a while, I think I didn't really believe in this idea that you could have a soulmate that wasn't someone you were romantically attached to or attracted to. Where so, like I said, this very narrow narrative that soulmates are the people that you marry, They're the people that you build a family with, They're the loves of your life. And then suddenly I entered this era of my life of my twenties, in which that entire spectrum, that entire error and field of romance, my romantic life basically kind of shut off. And when I allowed that area of my life to kind of fizzle and to take kind of be put on the back burner, essentially all of these relationships and all of these friendships started blossoming and blooming into friendships that I never could have imagined. And I think about this. One example of this amazing person, her name is Gracie, that I met last year, and almost instantly she entered my life. And it was a feeling that I have never experienced. I've never experienced it when it comes to dating. I've never experienced it really in any domain. It was like this instant recognition that in some way we were the same person, and in some way I knew that she would be in my life forever. And it was so confronting, but I remember like saying that to her and being like, I think we're going to be best friends. I think that we are going to be amazing for each other. And when I said that, all I could think about was those examples of people who go on a date with someone and recount at their wedding how they told them they were going to marry them, Like it really did kind of feel like that. It felt like, Wow, have I just met like the love of my life? And in some ways I think that I had. I think when I allowed my brain to see my relationships and the deep relationships I had with people as more than just romantic connections, and I stopped pigeonholing all of my relationships into kind of like either these are romantic or they're just friendships. This whole new level of intimacy and vulnerability opened up for me, and it was just the most amazing experience and has provided me with so much joy, and especially in our twenties when we really are reaching for connection, stumbling across a platonic soulmate just feels like it feels life changing. So what I want to talk about next is what actually makes a platonic soulmate and how we can know and how we can identify if someone we've met might just be one of these people. So all of that and more in just a second. I feel like I spent the first half of this episode really just going on a bit of a rant about how amazing platonic soulmates are and why romance and sex is and everything. And I guess you could you could probably hear that I'm very passionate about this, but it didn't really give us all you guys, much information about what exactly that means. What does it actually mean for someone to be a quote unquote platonic soulmate. Firstly, I think the thing that distinguishes them from a romantic soulmate and our concept of a romantic soulmate is that you can have more than one. Like I said before, there is this very narrow lens that we were typically used to viewing soulmates through, and that is that they are these romantic partners and we have one and we found them. But really, you can have more than one soulmate. A soulmate is someone that you choose to invest in, and it's an individual who you feel a deep connection with, and there are so many people on this planet you are bound to feel that with more than one person. And I'm not saying that in a cynical way of you know, the idea of soulmates doesn't even exist. But I think that I don't like the idea of a soulmate singular. I like the idea of a soulmate plural. And that's essentially why I think platonic soulmates are so so fascinating and so worthwhile to discuss, because it really pushes back against this narrative that there is one person out there for you. They will fulfill you, they will make you the happiest version of yourself, and everyone else is kind of secondary to that. I also think they define the typical idea and the typical structure of a friendship. Typical friendships, as we know in psychology, are based off of three kind of can and they're formed in the presence of three conditions, and those are proximity, similarity, and reciprocity. So essentially, for a friendship to form, you need to be close to that person. Distance can't really be a problem because you need to have the convenience and well, I guess just the convenience of being able to run into them and readily organized plans and actually see them in your daily life. The second is similarity. I think this comes down to values. It is very hard, not impossible, but very hard. I would say to cultivate a friendship with someone that you have nothing in common with. All friendships need this bedrock of similarity. And maybe that similarity in regards to the university that you both attend, or some hobby or passion that you have, or a similarity in terms of values. It doesn't really matter. But typically a friendship cannot for if there isn't something kind of linking you together and some joint interest. And the final condition for a typical friendship is reciprocity. So essentially, what that means is that you reciprocate each other's intentions and you reciprocate each other's energy. So we do need those three conditions to be met to make any friendship. But as a friendship gains its deepness, as you might come to realize that this person you're friends with maybe more than just a friend, they may be a platonic soulmate, some of those conditions actually become less important. We've got to remind ourselves the idea of a platonic soulmate still rests on that assumption of this deep soulful fate like bond, and those bonds do not disappear with distance, They do not disappear with similarity, and in some cases they do not disappear even if you guys are no longer in each other's lives and reciprocating the effort that is put in. A soulmate is going to exist regardless of whether you guys are in constant contact or around each other twenty four to seven, because it's almost like this dual energy source that you're both tapping into and you both share in some ways. The idea is that this bond never fades because it was predestined, and with platonic soulmates, I think there's a lot less pressure that's placed on them. When we think about our romantic relationships and our romantic soulmates, there is a lot of rhetoric around the need to have children and the need to get married, and then we have these financial responsibilities that kind of fall into our lap when we become a couple, and as we get older, we've got to share finances and make compromises. And in platonic relationships and platonic soulmates, I think that's less of a priority. You are more able to allow the other person to just be who they want to be without the pressure of being romantically intertwined. And I think that's where we really see the distinction between a relationship and a romantic soulmate, a platonic soulmate, and then just a friendship. There is not as much pressure to be in each other's pockets all the time and to have all those shared responsibilities. But it's also a friendship that is deeper and has a more lasting bond than a typical, typical acquaintance or a typical friendship. That intersection of those two ideas is where we find our platonic soulmate. So how do you know if someone in your life is a platonic soulmate. I think that's actually kind of a question and an answer in itself, because if you have to ask yourself that question, they're probably not. And I know that's really harsh, but the idea of a soulmate is that your soul and their soul recognize each other. And I know that's not based in a lot of psychology, and there is probably a very very intricate biological psychological explanation as to why we think that's the case. But if we're just talking in terms of this kind of general archetype in this narrative, it is this idea that your soul recognizes another soul. So if you have to double back and really question that, and you have to question whether they're your platonic soulmate, the chances are that they're not. But there are some other signs that are really strong and important to remember. So there is that instant recognition. It's almost like family, almost like you've known them in a past life. And once again, that is not a psychological term. In psychology, the idea of a past life is not one that is seen as valid or reliant, but you can believe in what you want to believe. And it's this idea that our we have past selves. We've lived lives before, and in those lives, someone that you were close to or someone that was important to you has returned in the form or the body of a soulmate in this life. So that's kind of more of it, a spiritually enlightened idea of this recognition. But I think that instant recognition that we feel can also be explained by some science as well. Similarity is incredibly powerful. If you share the same values as someone, if you share the same interests as someone, if you share the same neighborhood as someone and the same friends as them as well, it makes it a lot easier for you to get along. And so when you initially meet someone and you're doing all those that kind of initial snooping work and seeing where they stand and seeing what they're all about, often in those instances, the part of our brain that is searching for similar connections is going to see their similarity to us as a real positive trait and therefore attach ourselves to them at a greater rate and kind of magnify how much we like them, So that's kind of more of a psychological explanation for that recognition, and the recognition is perhaps the biggest indicator of a platonic soulmate. The next is one that I mentioned before, But you should be able to be your best self but also your worst self with that person. I was having this discussion with a friend the other day, actually, and it's this person that I have known since I was like maybe ten or eleven years old. She is my best friend. She is a platonic soulmate. I don't even want to use the term platonic. She is just a soulmate. And I was saying to her, isn't it just so beautiful that no matter what we do in life, you could do the worst thing a person could ever do and I could still love you. I might not forgive you, I might not agree with what you've done, but I would still love you and I would still support you. And that is just the most powerful feeling for someone to say to you. I think the most powerful thing for someone to say to you to say, regardless of your worst self, I will still love you. And I think it also comes with the idea that if you're saying that to someone you probably know what their worst self is already and you're willing to accept that. So it's not like they're going to turn it into like a mass murderer. You probably wouldn't say that to someone who you're convinced is actually inherently a bad person. But regardless of that, I do still think that is a really massive component of the deepness of this connection is your willingness to accept them when they are on their best behavior, when they're on their worst behavior, when they are the best version of them self or the worst version of themselves. It's all a package, right, and you're willing to accept that. The next indicator I think is that it's easy. The best relationships in life are easy. They don't require you to push yourself to a point of being uncomfortable. They don't leave you questioning, oh, what are we going to talk about when we see each other next. There is none of that friction, And I think that that friction is really noticeable in some relationships, and in a platonic soulmate situation, it's probably there is none. There shouldn't be any friction. It just feel like you're flowing down a very easygoing river and this person is by your side. I think there is also this mutual understanding of the other person's needs. Obviously not without communication, and you still need to communicate those, but it's this awareness of what they need in their life. It's this awareness of I guess their love languages, and they're insecurities and maybe some of their childhood wounds. All of that is something that the other person has taken time to understand and still loves about you, but it's also willing to address with you, with you by their side. And then there are some other ones that I think are just added bonuses right and are definitely indicators of this type of relationship. Laughter. Laughter is the most amazing thing, and I think it's because when we're enjoying someone's company and where we feel free to laugh and to be entertained by them, we are saying to them, I am so totally comfortable with you, and I'm not laughing because I'm nervous. I'm not laughing because this is the natural response to you telling a bad joke. It's because I genuinely find you funny and because I genuinely love being around you. And it's kind of like those situations. I don't know if you've ever had those where you're with a friend and like me and my friends called the Sillies, like everything they do is just hilarious because you feel so comfortable that all of that joy and happiness kind of bubbles to the surface. It's not that they're, you know, the next Cherry Seinfeld or the next Amy Poehler. They don't have to be like the most hilarious person technically, but it's because they allow your joy to bubble over, and I think that is just the most beautiful thing. They also allow you to sit in silence. You can sit in silence with this person and not be awkward. It all comes back to that sense of being comfortable in their presence because some part of you recognizes some part of them, and you both know it's the same. You recognize a part of yourself in that other person. And they help you grow. They help you become a better version of yourself because they know you well enough to know what's going to motivate you. They know you well enough to know what are you insecure about? But what also your ambitions? And I'm so invested in your life, You're so invested in mine. That I want to be able to bring you to that level where you want to be. So I guess that's kind of an extensive list. But when I was thinking back to my own experiences with this idea of a platonic soulmate, those were the things that really came to mind for me, and they were the ones that really stood out to me as distinguishing perhaps just a regular friendship or a regular acquaintance and this kind of deeper, inexplicable connection that we just appear to have with some people. I do want to say here, though, there is a lot of hype around this idea of soulmates, platonic, romantic or otherwise, and sometimes that can leave those of us who don't quite know if we've met these people feeling like a failure, feeling like there's something wrong with us, that everyone around us is having these deep, meaningful connections and we're not. I don't think that's the case. I really don't think that's the case. I think I am a big proponent of the argument that soulmates are not just met, they're also made. There may be someone in your life who, with the bit of extra effort and energy and the time to build that vulnerability will be a platonic soulmate, will be your person. But I also like to remind myself at times, and I like to remind others who feel insecure about the fact that maybe their relationships aren't as deep as they would like them to be, that you haven't yet met all the people that you have loved and all the people who will love you. Your future is so wide, especially for those of us in our twenties, and you have decades ahead of you to meet the most spectacular, amazing people. And you should wait. You should wait for them. You shouldn't force it with someone. I've promised that these people show up when you least expect them, and I hate that saying, but I guess it's true, which annoys me even more. But they will just show up in your life when you most need them and when you least expect them, and like I said, there will be that instant recognition. No one goes through life unloved. I think there's not a single person I know in this world, not a single person who exists who I think goes through life unloved by at least someone around them or even a stranger. So you don't need to have met your platonic soulmate and have a best friend or the person that is the love of your life right now. That will come. It will come, and you can also cultivate that and you can be your own soulmate. Sometimes that's a really beautiful way of seeing things that anything that you think of friendship or a relationship needs to give you, you can give yourself. And that includes some of that unconditional love we were speaking about, some of that mutual understanding of needs, some of that laughter, some of that space to grow. Those are all things that you can give to you and we don't always need to be looking outwardly to have those. Mads net. So, I just want to say that if you're listening to this being like, oh my goodness, what am I doing wrong? This platonic soul made idea sounds amazing. I want to get in on that and I haven't been able to yet. Don't worry about it. There'll be someone out there. There'll be multiple people out there who are going to show up in your life and fill that cup so full you do need more cops. So thank you so much for listening to today's episode. If you have a platonic soul made of your own. You should tell me about them, or you should share this episode with them, let them know that they are seen and that you love them and that you will always be there for them. I'm gonna send this episode to my platonic soul mate. I'm hoping that she's already listening, but if not, here's her reminder to subscribe to my show and leave me a five star review. I'm hoping she's already done that as well, but if you haven't, you should take some time to leave a five star review wherever you are listening right now. It really helps the show to grow and to reach new people and new audiences, and it also makes my day. I read every single one of your reviews when I'm feeling good, when i'm feeling bad. They always just make me happier. So if you have an episode suggestion as well, please feel free to follow me at that psychology podcast and send me a DM with your idea. I love hearing about your experiences and how they relate to my own, but also how they may be somewhat universal for a lot of us in our twenties. So follow me over there and send me your episode suggestions, send me your feedback or just say hi, and as always, thank you so much for listening to today's episode. We will be back next week with another episode. Yeah.