196 | Separation Anxiety in Play Therapy: When Children Want Parents in the Playroom

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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Your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get a master class in child-centered,

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play therapy and practical support and application for

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your work with children and their families.

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In today's episode. I am answering a question from Shannon in Iowa

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and her question is about separation anxiety

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and when the child wants to bring the parent into the playroom,

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and so I have answered this a couple of times in various contexts before,

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but this is something that comes up in the Collective,

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the online community almost on a weekly basis is something that comes up in coaching

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groups almost on a weekly basis and something I get asked about very,

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very frequently for the podcast as well.

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So this is obviously something that

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a lot of us are having a difficult time navigating.

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So I think it's worth revisiting.

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And I think even if you feel like you've heard some of this before,

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it might be helpful just to have a little bit of a refresher

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because really what this comes down to is confidence

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and it comes down to articulation to parents

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and it comes down to a trust in the process.

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So if we use those as our three points of grounding,

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we are much more equipped to handle something like this.

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So let me read parts of Shannon's question and then we'll dive in together.

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So my question is about separation anxiety when

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children want their parent in the playroom,

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advice on managing this in a purely child-centered play

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therapy manner while holding true to the model.

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Ok, so

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let's start with the basic premise of the context of the playroom.

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So the playroom is for the child and the therapist only.

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And I've had a lot of coaching participants.

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I've had a lot of session videos that I've watched

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where a therapist concedes and lets the parent come back

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for a variety of reasons.

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And I'm always reminding that that is not CCPT.

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The playroom is a special place, special environment

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with a special relationship and that special

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relationship is the therapist and the child.

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As soon as you introduce another person into the playroom,

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it changes the dynamic,

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it thwarts the relationship and it can undermine the process.

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So we always absolute on purpose,

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want to make sure that we are adherent to the playroom threshold door

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being the line where parents do not come into the play session.

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Now, the only

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caveat would be if the session is already over and the child wants

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to show their parents something that they made something that they did.

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For example, you can't bring a sand tray out into the lobby with you.

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So sometimes if a child says I really wanna show my mom what I made in the sand,

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the after the session is over,

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a parent can come back to see what was made or what the child wants to show them.

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But as far as coming back in that therapeutic hour,

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that is a limit that we set. So Shannon, let's kind of dive into that together.

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So first and foremost, we remind the child that

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the playroom is only for kids. That's the simplest explanation of why

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in a scenario like this, when the child really wants mom, mom is a security blanket.

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Mom is a crutch mom is the reducer of anxiety for the child.

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We understand that the child feels overwhelmed.

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So we're going to go through the ACT process.

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We're going to acknowledge the feeling first.

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You really wish mom could come back. You'd really like mom to come with us.

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You'd really like to have mom play with you as well.

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So we're going to reflect and acknowledge what the child is dealing with and facing.

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But then the most simple of the neutral limits is

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but the playroom is just for kids.

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So that is a go to phrase for the neutral limit.

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Now,

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you can also say the playroom is just for me and you

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or you can say the playroom is not for moms and dads.

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You can word that in several different ways. But the goal is to set the expectation

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that the playroom is for you and the child only.

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And then as far as choices go,

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it depends on how far the child is pushing how resistant they are.

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How difficult that transition is.

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Sometimes a kid just kind of bucks it a little bit bristles at it and then goes back

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other times, the child clings to parents in the lobby,

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you

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will not get up, will not leave.

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And in that case, you have lobby sessions,

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which we've talked about quite extensively as well, both in the Collective

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and in the podcast.

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So lobby sessions are always what our next step is

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if the child refuses to come back without mom.

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But then we address that with parents

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in a subsequent email to follow up after the fact.

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But as far as choices that go with the limit,

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it would be helpful to give the child a choice of

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involving parents in something else.

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So

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you can choose to have mom wait

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outside in the car for you or you can choose to have mom wait in the lobby for you.

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Which do you choose?

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Ok, now we're returning some control of where parent waits for child.

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Or you can choose to have mom walk you to

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the hallway door or you can choose to have mom walk you to the playroom door,

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which do you choose

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et cetera.

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So now you're providing choices related to child feeling

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that they have some connection to a parent.

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But obviously, the limit is upheld that the playroom is not for the child.

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And the follow up email would

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make it very clear that that was healthy, appropriate normal.

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We're basically trying to just neutralize and normalize what happened because a

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lot of times parents will think if a child refuses to come back

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that it was a failed play session

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and it is 100% not that was very therapeutically valuable,

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even if the child never comes back to the playroom.

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So we have to help parents understand that this is a normal part of the process.

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First and foremost.

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Second of all, we set expectations for if this continues beyond several weeks,

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because sometimes it will be a natural 2 to 3 week

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process before a child feels ready or willing to leave mom.

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But let's say we were to be six weeks in

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and child is still refusing to come back

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in that scenario, then we would prep parents ahead of time in an email.

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If your child chooses not to come back to the playroom,

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I'm going to let the child know that he's choosing for you to wait in the car.

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And then all of a sudden when parent is in the car instead of the lobby,

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the allure and the draw to remain in the lobby is lessened.

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So then parents have to be on board and partner with you

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in the process of eliminating that crutch.

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So that would be prompted for the child.

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You really wish that mom could come back.

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But you know that the playroom is just for you and me.

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If you choose to come back to the playroom with me,

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you choose to have mom wait in the lobby.

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But if you choose not to come back into the playroom with me,

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you choose for mom to wait in the car, which do you choose?

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And then you're taking away that drive to remain clingy to mom.

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And that helps with that transition into the play room.

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And it doesn't matter what the child chooses.

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If the child chooses to remain in the lobby, then parent goes out to the car.

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But if the child chooses to come back, that is their, at that point,

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that is their decision

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that they are finally willing, ready or able to come back.

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And I feel it's important to just remind everyone

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we never ever force a child into the playroom.

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So please be mindful that if a child has

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separation anxiety and does not want to leave,

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mom does not wanna come back with you.

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I mean, let's go back to what Landreth said in that book that I read earlier.

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You have to remember that you are a stranger

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to this kid and this is a strange place, a strange environment,

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a strange building with a strange person.

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And that can be really scary for anxious kids,

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can be really scary for emotionally overwhelmed kids.

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So there's a process, that's why we call it warm up and initiation, right?

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So we never force a child to come back if they

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choose not to come back for weeks at a time.

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That is their choice.

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But the beauty of the CCPT model is they will eventually choose to come back.

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So we never have to

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expect them to. We just know that it will eventually happen

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and that is remaining true to the model and making sure

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that we're managing this in a purely CCPT manner,

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which is what you asked for.

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Shannon. So thanks so much for the email.

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Thanks for letting me know that that was

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something you wanted us to process together.

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And if you would like me to cover a question for you, please reach out.

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I'd love to hear from you, brenna@thekidcounselor.com.

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Lots of things happening in The Kid Counselor world. So stay tuned.

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We'll be sending out an email newsletter and I'll

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be announcing some things on the podcast soon.

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So

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lots of excitement, lots of busyness, but it's all good. So love you all so much.

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We'll talk again soon. Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast

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with Dr. Brenna Hicks for more episodes and resources.

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Please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.