Goals. Ep 47

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Speaker 1: Hi. This is Laura Vanderkamp. I'm a mother of four, an author, journalist, and speaker. And this is Sarah hart Hunger. I'm a mother of three, practicing position and blogger. On the side, we are two working parents who love our careers and our families. Welcome to best of both worlds. Here we talk about how real women manage work, family, and time for fun, from figuring out childcare to mapping out long term career goals. We want you to get the most out of life. Welcome to best of both worlds. This is Laura. This is episode forty seven, which is originally airing in late June, and it is summer at least for our listeners in the Northern Hemisphere. I forget. Sometimes we get emails from all over and it's great. So we love our international listeners and I guess for that are Australian listeners who are entering winter as we're talking here. But yeah, so are you doing a lot of summer reading? Sarah, Yeah, I was. I was just putting together my summer reading list. It's not really a formal list. It was more just like I realized I needed to put in a lot of library holds, so I did. I used the Modern Missus Darcy Summer Reading Guide mostly and picked several that looked really juicy, and I put them all on hold, and I figure, whatever comes up from the whole list is what I'm going to read, because I a lot of them had like, you know, forty seven active requests already. But it fast, so we'll see what happens. Yeah. So with that though, I mean, because there's like this whole management strategy then, right, because what are you going to do if like six of them come up at the same time. Oh god, I don't think they will. I don't I don't have a strategy if that happens. Yeah, I guess I'll just that's fine. I'll return them and get on get on the list again. That's my strategy. Yeah, I guess you know what I thought. I don't have a good library hold strategy. But every side you can sort of see from that. If you were really really sad about not able to read a tod then you could just go buy that one. Yes, absolutely, if I was like, oh, and it's true. Actually, I'm most excited probably for Frederick Bachman's sequel to bear Town that's coming out. I forget what the actual sequels called. But it's very exciting because I loved Beartown and I actually didn't love some of his I read A Man called Ove and wasn't a big fan, but then I loved Beartown. So the fact that he decided to expand those characters made me excited. And then there's been a lot of buzz on the An American Marriage by T Gary Jones, and so yeah, if I don't get those by I would say mid July or August, I will be buying them. Yeah, and you just had your first parenting book club, right, Yes, Well, I guess this goes with our goals discussion because it was one of our goals we did our first parenting This is something I've had, like on the list of things that I've wanted to do for probably a year. I got the idea for my friend Erica in Chapel Hill who listens hi Erica, and she was part of this quarterly parenting book club, and I was so jealous and I wanted to be in one too, so I figured I would have to start one. And we had our very first installment at our house last weekend, and we actually had a babysitter just to kind of control the big kids so that we didn't have to hold it, you know, super late, like past their bedtime. We did take out pizza to be a pizza, pizza, sushi, I forget something, and so we made it super easy and then we all hung out and drank wine and talked about our kids in the book. And our first installment was using Naomi Schaeffer Riley's Be a Parent, Please, which focuses a lot on you know, the use of technology and kids. And I picked it because I figured it had a lot of fodder for debate and it was. It was awesome, and everyone wants to keep doing it, and we already have a date picked for July, and another member has offered to hosts. So I would, I'm I would consider the launch of success how many how many people? Is it like couples or is it just Yeah? So the first one was three couples in addition to Josh and I. One of the spouses actually couldn't make it, so it was like two and a half couples, so seven people total. I think the next one's going to be bigger because there were a couple that were really interested that couldn't make it to this one, and one that had just had a baby that you know she's gonna be ready soon but wasn't quite ready. So I think it'll probably be five couples. For the second, we're trying to keep it fairly intimate so that it's I mean, to some extent, it's just sort of an excuse to all get together. But adding the fact that we're reading the book is fun. And at the first one there was the most hilarious discussion of like, you know, how to get your husband to read the book because some are different than others. Josh was like super happy to do it. He loved the idea, although he also says, Okay, if we're doing a parenting book club, I'm also starting a sci fi book club, and I want you to help me do that. So now, I mean, that's fair. But so he happily read the book and so did you know one of the other spouses and then one of them, the wife, had put a post it note on the book that was like book club, please read and he announced that like he's like, I'm not going to read that effing book because there was a post it on it. So you know, we all had. Then a discussion we spun off into a discussion of Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies, because clearly that guy was a total rebel. Like it was a really it was a really fun night. It was. I highly recommend doing something like that if you're looking for a way to get parents together to talk about, you know, all those kinds of issues in a fun setting. Oh gosh, well, I'm about to, like, when we're done with this, I'm gonna email Naomi until tell her you did that, because she'll be, oh, yeah, I should have done that. Maybe, you know, because I have a little bit of connections at this point with the podcast, maybe in the future I'll see if I can, like, you know, get get an author to give me a SoundBite or something rightly good. That's definitely of the parenting books I've read recently, I would say that was one of the more would create good discussion fodder because I think people would have strong feelings about it. Naomi never mince his words, and so she was definitely telling people like, just stop being like wishy washy about what you want to do, Like, if you want to ban whatever from your kid, just do it. Do it. Just do it. So that was Yeah, that's that's awesome. I'm impressed you're starting book clubs. That's just I'm not doing any book clubs. In fact, that my summer reading is somewhat Yeah. I bet you're going to read a ton this summer, though. Do you have any special picks? I don't know. I just I haven't put a whole lot of thought into it because I've been putting all sort of discretionary time lately into work with my own book launch. Off the Clock came out as we're recording this in early June. The book came out last week and so, and there were so many positive reviews and mentions like it seems like everyone is loving it. That's I hope. So if people are listening to this and haven't purchased it yet, please go do. It'd be a nice way to support our podcast, which you know, we we we don't give you ads at this point, but it would be great if you could buy the books, and Stera will have something in the future that you can you can purchase. Maybe that's the plan at least, but yeah, no, So I just actually I finished Scott Jerrek's book North, which is a cool runner Jenny Jerrick, his wife Jrek It. It was interesting. It took me a while to get into because I don't know. At the beginning, it was just a bit like, oh, why are we a bit overwrought to like what we're going to do with the Apple Chic Joe. But then I got really into it as he's on the trail running, which if you think about the craziness of this, this is a twenty one hundred mile trail from Georgia to Maine, and he to get the record had to run it in forty six days and eleven hours I think was the record, and he wound up running it forty six days and eight hours. So it was very cool. It was good, yeah, And he was so exhausted by the end of it because he wasn't sleeping right. He was sleeping like two hours a night for the last three or four days in order to hit that goal at the end. So it's sort of fascinating to hear about the mental game that is involved in getting through something like that. And I've interviewed Amelia Boone, who is a well known ultra or slash obstacle course racer, and the way these people talk about suffering and pain and sort of mentally tre just getting over it is fascinating. I knew Jerk had hit the record, so it speaks to a book that even though though you know exactly how it comes out, like you know, you can just look online and see that he got the record right, but yeah, you're still at the end like, oh my gosh, is he actually going to be able to do that? So I actually really enjoyed that. Yeah, I feel like even yeah, the logistics of it and hearing what the emotions were like through that would be really fascinating. So now I got to figure out my next book. I need to set some time on top side and figure out what I'm going to spend some time reading this summer. But well, speaking of reading, you don't set specific book number goals, do you? I can't remember, did you for last year? No? I don't. I think last year. Once I realized I was closed, I wanted to make sure I read at least one hundred books round number. But it wasn't like I had a specific number, partly because the thing with books, there's a number of very short books out there in the world, and so if you're just trying to hit a number. You can be a little silly about the goals and say, well, I'm only going to read these tiny books, those pamphlet pampoot type books that should have been just a online story and somebody convinced somebody to turn it into a printed book, so you could always do that. So I guess I wasn't so focused on the book number itself. I wanted to have a better reading life, and I think, you know, I've been satisfied with that, but I can see myself flipping into these certain habits of not putting the thought into well what am I going to read next? And when I don't put the thought into it, that's when I wind up reading a lot of the magazine stuff or just you know, whatever is sort of sitting around, which may not be what I really want to read. I get sent a lot of books just through work related stuff, and some are good and some are not, but you know a lot of them are kind of this stuff that I I would pick up to read that I don't really want to be reading more of. So I want to read more of the novels. Yeah, so I need to put more time into that. But this is a good transition to our goals, which I forgot to mention is actually our topic today, our twenty eighteen goals, How are coming along on them, how we would like to do them? So remind our listeners, Sarah, how did you set your goals for this year? So I kind of decided to divide the year into quintiles, which is a little unusual, but it was a sort of a natural decision just because I thought about, how while I have attorney leave, and then I have that sort of back to work piece, and then there's the summer, and then I felt like the rest of the year was too big to be just one giant quarter. So I figured that there would be kind of like a back to school quintile and then like an end of the year one. So yeah, I set my goals, my overarching goals, just I didn't do any like yearly lists really. Instead I did Q one and Q two, and we're actually coming to the end of Q two, so this is good timing and it is kind of amazing to think we are halfway by the time this airs through twenty eighteen, so it's nice milestone, you know, to see if there are things that I'd love to get done this year. What needs to happen between now and the end. Yeah, Well, I had set mine quarterly, which I guess is slightly which is similar, but yeah, but more normal, but more normal than the quintile. And I realized as I was putting together in the notes for this episode that I had never blogged or written or shared my quarterly goals for twenty eighteen. And I think I was feeling a little bit gold out or something at the end of the year and didn't feel like putting them out or whatever. So I had to go back hunting through my notebook to find where they were, which sells shows you right there that I probably wasn't that keen on them in the first place if they weren't posted somewhere like prominently on my desk, like these are things I really wish to do this year. So I guess I could just run through some of them, now, should I do that? And reminder listeners how you divide into different categories. Yeah, So for each quarter, I set a personal goal, a relationships goal, and a career goal, and that's just to sort of have broad I did it. And the reason to do it quarterly as well is that I guess it's more things you can put in. And then it's also you don't feel like you have to do them all at once. So if there's something I know that I want to do but I feel like the beginning of the year has too much going on, I can say, well, that's something i'll do in the summer. Ll that's something I'll do in the fall, and you get these four fresh starts as opposed to thinking you have to do everything in January, which is never really going to work. So for Q one, I don't necessarily go for all the goals. Then I set down so clearly again this wasn't all that well thought through, like I really honestly want to do these things. So for Q one, for the personal I said I wanted to do a personal record for a mile, and I did not. Did you have a plan for training for that or you thought it would just no? And I think partly the reason it isn't is because I don't actually have to train to get a personal record, because I run so slowly that I can. In fact, I could probably go downstairs on my treadmill right now and set a pr like just today to decide to do it, which because the fastest my life. Ever, run is seven thirty five, and I know that is actually not the fastest I can run a mile, you know, so you should beat that today. I could beat that today. I could walk down and set the treadmill on eight miles per hour and just keep it at that, and that would be seven thirty. But I so, why didn't I do it? That's that's a fascinating question. I don't know. I guess maybe because I wasn't looking at these goals. But I did not do that. In Q one, so I can analyze that relationships. I wanted to do our spring break trip with the big kids. We went to London and the UK and we did that, so that was fun work. I said, write a dozen sonnets. I keep telling myself, I want to do a collection of sonnets, you know, fourteen lines them pentameter poems. I did three, so I guess three is better than none. But it's not twelve. Problem of three. Pretty good setting very specific goals. Maybe I should have said right one. Then I would be like, look, I beat my goal three times over, and like I've only did twenty five percent of my goal. Q two personal complete home renovation. That is a big yes. We had all sorts of ridiculousness with the house this spring, and I guess I was at least rational with that that I've set that as a goal for Q two as opposed to Q one. In my mind, I thought we would get through it quicker. And it's not that they took a long time once they started. It was mostly a five week project with a handful of visits later. But we didn't break ground until March twenty three on it, which was almost the end of Q one. So I kind of all that pre work would have happened faster. I know everyone says the projects take longer than you think it will, but it wasn't that we were out of our kitchen for longer than we thought, we were out of my master bathroom for longer than we thought. It was just that the prep work seemed to go on for a while. So yeah, I think that is actually really fast from our experience, at least down here, there's a lot of I guess there's more people wanting work done than there are workers to do it, So people will like sign up to start a project and like something better will come along, they'll disappear for three months. You like can't reach, like, so I think you're I think you were really tight. Actually well, and I don't think this is random either. So I had three groups of contractors come in to give bids, and I think all of them were great, but one seemed sort of more professionally organized than the other, Like it was a big company been here for years. It seemed that they were more like when you asked for something, it got there very quickly, Like they had multiple people assigned to the administration of it. Like it's though the prep work took a long time. But I felt like they weren't going to disappear, and they didn't. I mean, once they assigned people to it, they were there. And so that was a key thing because you know, and I'm not even sure that people mean, you know, nefarious things, it's just you know, some other job. There's a problem. They have to get somebody over there, and so then they're not at your place, or the permitting process takes longer than they think it will. And what actually happened for us is the permits of course took longer than they will because you're dealing with municipal government. But you know, they actually still had the people there here and they would work on something else while they were waiting for the inspector to get over. So, to give you perspective, we were having some outside work done and they started it before the hurricane and then it got finished cut that was last September and it finished in May because they they had a lot of hurricane related work. I guess that was very lucrative and more more and more exciting than all right, well, okay, so I'm happy about that. That has been good. You did good. Mark on the relationship goals, I said, run a half marathon with Michael and we we I had signed up for one that was this past weekend, June three, and it just was not going to work with the schedule for me to run a half marathon on that day without various other things not happening. But we had run the Broad Street ten miler together in early May, so I think that counts running a distance race together. And one of the good things of setting these as goals, like as specific goals, is I mean, I was just sharing this with you and our thousands of listeners quietly here. He may have been undertrained for it, so he's running a bit, you know, slower than I think I would have for that particular race, but because it was a goal to run with him, like I said, well, let's just finish it together. You know, he was saying like, why don't you run ahead? And I, no, I'm not going to run ahead because we're going to run this together. So we did. That's so cute though, So we did that. Career for Q two, of my goal is to launch off the clock, which is launched, So I guess that was going to happen regardless of what I did. Big check, Big check. So now you know Q three. Couple things. Personally, I want to come up with a philanthropy plan that I want to be a little bit more intentional about giving money to organizations what I intend to do with it. And it's not like I'm giving away millions here, but I think, you know, it's enough to be no good because it's easy to sort of just get like, oh, I'll give a little of that because they asked, or a little bit of and but it's like, wait, what are my real top priorities to make sure that you're actually covering what you want, not just who's the loudest asking for it. Yeah, yeah, No, So I'm going to do that relationships with the Yellowstone trip with the family later this summer, career, figure out next book. But that's already done, got done actually in Q one. So my next book is coming out in March of twenty nineteen. So are you off the hook or do you have to figure out the next book? Like that doesn't seem fair. I don't know. I guess you get to decide. Well, I could, I could put some time into think about it. Or maybe I'll just work on finishing the novel I've been working on. So that would be another another option. Q four personal celebrate my fortieth relationships. I thought I'd take at least a short trip with my husband, and then career. Well, see, here we go. Career, I said, write something during National Novel Writing Months. That's when you do fifty thousand words and thirty days. So maybe combine what I would be working on the novel in Q three with Q four. So maybe that's what I'll do. We'll see exciting. Well that's excellent. I feel like you you did really well. I mean, there were a few randoms in there, so I guess it's like sort of like that soul searching of like did you really want to run that pr prob I guess, but otherwise I feel like, yeah, you did really well. All right, how about you. I'm just like realizing mine are like too complex, but don't summarize. I did really got time. We're only twenty minutes half of this episode, that's true. And you know, interestingly, we appreciate listener feedback, and we did get some feedback after a couple of our sort of conversational off the cough episodes that you really like those. So I mean that made me happy because they're really fun to do. And I also kind of know what you mean because in some of my favorite podcasts, I really enjoy those episodes as well. So even though to us, I'm like, is this going to be boring for people, at the same time, I'm like, I love listening to other people talk about this kind of specific stuff, so I am hopeful that it will not be terribly boring, but you can let us know nicely. No, I'm just kidding either way. So Okay, So again, I had two quintiles that have gone by and three to come, and I'm going to mostly just talk about what went on and not that much of the future because I haven't really decided yet, but I will say Q one was really good. The time that I was home with childcare. It was amazing. But you can get done when you're was one not working and you also have full time childcare. Yes, not sustainable, but it was really wonderful. I feel like I got. One of my goals was to spend focused time with the big hits every day. I definitely did with my older one. I did with Cameron sometimes I had tons of baby time. I was shockingly well rested, even though she didn't sleep that much. It was just a great time. My other goals were to have family dinners on Sundays, and I did do this, and I will say that the main secret, not secret, but my main factor of success was to have our nannygo shopping on Friday to have the ingredients, because it was always like, oh, it's Sunday and I didn't have the time to go to the store and make something. But if I already had the ingredients, I would generally use them because of course I didn't want them to go bad, and it's much easier to cook when you already have stuff there. So yes, Number three was to get back into exercise and complete something called the DM method, which was sort of to help with diastasis. I did that for a few weeks. I then switched to something called Mama Strong, which is similar, and I did her core camp program and I finished it, and so I would give that a success. I mean, did I like get a six pack. No, but I would say I learned a little bit about like targeting those muscles in the right kind of a way. I would give myself a check because I was pretty consistent with exercise outline a future ebook or book or whatever it's going to be. I did write a chapter list and sort of a mini proposal and was sort of shocked and thrilled to get contacted by someone in the industry, which you know, nothing is in the works formally at all, but even the fact that there was a contact with slightly thrilling, So you know, I moved to move on with that in the future. Kan Mari the home, I did the essentials, I did the clothing, I did the kids stuff, but I would not say I did a complete job. I wrote Laura, I think you're rubbing off on me because some of it. I was just like, eh, maybe I don't care that much, So you know, there is. I definitely still feel calmer when what is around me is is fairly spare and not all over the place. But at the same time, I don't know that I want to devote hours to like that deep clean out, because I just I guess, you know, that's an hour you're not doing something else. So good. Yep, combine the kids rooms. I was dreading this, but Annabel and Cameron are now sharing a room, and honestly, Josh has done a lot of the work to kind of get it fixed, all of the work to get it fixed up and ready for them, But I I helped push them along, I guess, and it is done, and it's gone much better than expected. Actually, I thought it would ruin the bedtime routine, and you know, they were so I was so used to putting Cameron to bed and then having time with Annabel, But now we do it at the same time. A lot of times Cameron falls asleep while we're reading to Annabelle, so that works. But it's been much more successful than I thought. So if you are going to have to combine kids, don't be scared. It's okay. And then I sort of set separate habit goals and I tend to do this on a monthly, but I guess I also kind of looked and saw what I wanted to get for a quarter done, and I just put to read something daily, which I did. I read a lot in Q one, and to try to keep the minutes on my phone less than ninety minutes, and I was pretty successful during that quarter. And then finally I had some bucket list items. One was to take the big kids ice skating, and it didn't happen. My husband was not that excited about it, so we didn't go. And you know, with me having to strap, I wasn't gonna be able to skate with Genevieve, So if he wasn't into it, it it wasn't gonna happen. But I'll do it next winter because I'm excited about it. To read ten books. I read way. I think I read like sixteen or seventeen during that quarter. To listen to an album daily. I did that at least through most of January and I think part of February, and listen to at least thirty of the top albums of twenty seventeen according to certain websites. So that was cool. And then I had a three date nights as a goal, and I think we did two, and Genevieve might have been present for one of them. So unfortunately, that tells me I need to I mean, I really do enjoy date nights, but I wasn't really I wasn't really ready to leave. I had more issues with the f eating of Genevieve than I did with the other kids, and I just wasn't ready to leave her. So there you go. But I'm going to work on that now that she's older. That was q. Q one was like really good, like I felt very on top of things. Q two, I'm that's sort of that fifth trimester period. I went back to work on March fifth. It's now June seventh, so it's been three months. And I will at least say that I set the bar really low, like I did not. I mostly put things on the list that I knew would have to happen anyway, like Annabelle's birthday party. And you'll see these are my goals. Were like to work on establishing rhythms that work for that time. And I will give I'm like, what kind of goal? What was that? Was in a weird mood with these, But I will say, check, I figured out I kind of have to go to bed at like nine, and if I get it at five, I can get a little bit done before Genevieve works wakes up, to get in any work out early because it's not going to happen later, and to read while I'm pumping. So I would say, those are the things I've figured out that work for right now, So check. Continue work on positive parenting. I think I'd just read some parenting book and I don't know this is terrib well, it might have been after the Catherine Renaldo, which I love for philosophy, but it was too vague of a goal. So yeah, we'll leave it to day to kind of be really to try not to panic at work about overload and really look at the day's plan and try to avoid frenetic multitasking and distractions. Too vague again, and I would say fifty to fifty. I was better at delegation with some things, but the residency is approaching and that's led to a lot more of these kind of just little things that seem to pop up all the time. While I'm also seeing patients and trying to keep up with the documentation and trying to call patients back and trying to pump. So it's just been really it's been challenging, and I don't think it's a failure on my part. It's just a tough situation and I'm just getting through it. Number four was to pump five times a day, and I just accept the outcome, and shockingly, I don't even pump five times a day. I pumped three to four times, three at work, sometimes one at home, and it's the outcome's been fine, better than the last round with my second child. I'm keeping up. I still have a lot in the freezer and I don't even really use it in the freezer. I haven't even thought about the freezer in a while, to be honest. And so I will give myself a gold star because this was an epic struggle a couple of months ago. And then number five good nutrition, rest, like try to take care of my body. I would say, yes, I could eat better than I have been, but it's not been total disaster, and I've really done well with exercise and found a routine that I like with the workouts i'm doing now. And then the habits were to read daily, yes, because I read one pumping so that's kind of a forced yes. To continue to work on staying off my phone, No, because I also go on my phone while I'm pumping, So there you go. To try to meditate for five minutes a day, Nope. To cook on Sundays a few I did it, but not consistently. And then to do like a gratitude practice daily. I was trying to pick things that would center me through this tough time, but no, none of them really worked for me this time. If you're trying to get off your way, let me back up at this. If you're trying to be off during the pump time, like what what would you be doing? And is set? Are you trying to increase? Like I'd rather I'd rather be reading And I'm happier to be reading a book than having just then scrolling through Instagram and the other time that I've been rolling that, I don't really like it, and I feel better if I was reading a book like on the Kindle app, but instead it's been social media stuff. Is after I put the kids to bed, I tend to lie down on the couch in the room because they're dependent on that, and then I end up getting sort of stuck on the couch and either I fall asleep or I'm like wasted. So yeah, it's just the thing. I'm actually not that mad at myself. That's the funny thing. Even though I didn't make my goal, I'm like and whatever, this is what I had to do these past three months. But I did write it down as a goal, so I have to say I feel I don't know. I think I think that's fine. I mean, yes, it's better to read the e book, and I felt so. I often have to sit in my three year old's room while he falls asleep too. It's just either that or I'm sitting outside the door trying to keep him from running out and running outside, which just happened. But so you know, when I'm good about it, I'm reading a book on my kindle lap when I'm not thinking about it. Then I'm on social media and honestly it's it's like makes it slightly nicer versus what it would be. So I don't know, I think that's okay. Yeah, maybe my failure was making that a goal, right, So there you go. And then finally my sort of bucket list items I'm really happy with. So Annabell's first drop off birthday party check big success. Have a our Disney trip. Round three was a success, although we were both sick and then I had like vertigo, which sucks, but it's over planning makeovers to complete those. I did three, which was awesome and fun, and I'm gonna actually do some follow ups with those people parenting book Club to launch yes as we discussed and revisit note yoga which I I didn't because I pivoted to those beach body workouts which I love so much, although there is a yoga workout in there and I've been doing it, so there you go. So yeah, that was that was pretty much it. I don't really have Q three done yet, so maybe we'll update you at the end of the year. How about I've enjoyed listening to some other people's goals podcasts, so the Am Writing Podcast with jess On kJ talking about their writing processes and all that. They all set goals for the year and we're talking about them. In a recent episode, they had an interesting framework they were trying to set. I think like three goals you can control and three you can't, which makes me a little ant say, like, I don't like this idea of goals. I can't control. But you know, because I don't even read all this of the smart goals right that they're specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time targeted or whatever. The last one is time bound, and the achievable and realistic are important, I think in manews. But because I guess I just don't like to set a goal and then do everything I can and fail at it, I guess that's the reality, and it's true. It's like, should they really be goals? Like get my book published? Is that a goal? Or like create an proposal that I'm proud of, Like I can control one but I can't control the other, or like commit to exercising X amount of days versus like have gorgeous apps, Like I can control one, but I can't necessarily control the other. So I tend to prefer the process type goals versus the pie in the sky. It just kind of depends on the look. Although I do understand that people find big goals motivating sometimes, and in the sense that if you're trying to do something which is a huge stretch reach and you can't actually control everything, sometimes you are really thinking hard about it. You're trying lots of different things, and that can motivate you to do things you wouldn't otherwise. But yeah, or even like a race goal, like if you're like, I'm going to run this race in this time, that's kind of a you can't control that, but at the time same time, it may shape your behaviors in a way that just saying trained really hard. Yeah, So I guess there's something to be said for that. I think you just need to know yourself and if you're going to find a goal that you cannot be sure you would achieve, to be motivational or to be demotivational, and it just makes you feel bad about yourself. So because I think, I mean, goal setting is about feeling better about yourself, and in my mind, maybe for other people it's not. Maybe you know, other people think it should be solely about results and if you don't achieve them, you should feel bad about it. I don't know, but that's just never interesting. Yeah, I agree with you. Goals tend to make me happy whether I make them, whether I reach them or don't. If you reach them, it's happy, and if I don't, it sort of like helps me tailor myself for next time. But having the active goals and the process of sitting down and creating them definitely makes me happier. And that maybe, I mean, some people are built differently and may not feel that way. Yeah, so we'd love to here for you listeners, like what you think about goals. Are you into sort of the doable process goals, which it sounds like mostly Sarah and I are, or do you like this idea of setting I guess what is Jim Collins called the big, hairy, audacious goal. You know that you're not sure you'll reach and it has to you know, you change all your processes and stuff to make it even possible for that to do. If you find that motivational, let us know, because I bet there's two goals setting camps here in the world. We have to create a little dichotomy for that, and maybe someone who's entirely anti goal, that's true, that could be the third. All right, Well, moving on to the Q and A. Yeah, so this question is from Alison. She says I'm a little bit behind both you in life stages. She's thirty, married, working full time, fellow lover of planning excellent. She finds the podcast so interesting in a looking ahead kind of way side note, I've been fascinated at the number of notes we've gotten from people who don't have children, who are in sort of a pre kids stage of life, but are listening to this podcast as I don't know. Yeah, that's impressive, although maybe they're they're trying to make you know, we're sort of like a goal, not a goal, but like one vision of what it could possibly be, and they're trying to decide if they really want to do that. I mean, in some ways it could be hope. We're hope. But yeah, I agree, that's really cool. So she says, my husband and I are looking to try to start a family soon. Eventually we want multiple kids. I have heard a lot from friends, colleagues, even this podcast about balancing life and work after baby. But in a couple of months before you first got pregnant, what do you wish you had known? Are there ways you would have organized your life, schedule, et cetera to prepare you or do you wish you'd just all out embraced your freedom? Also, how did you cope with early pregnancy at work, especially when that involves travel, conferences, events, et cetera. Dealing with low energy reduced output while keeping the pregnancy somewhat under wraps and a demanding work sphere. So yeah, I definitely had a few thoughts on this one. Supposed to embrace the freedom, did you did you and your husband like, did you guys purposely take any big I mean we did like some trips, and I remember like we would try to see as many like I think I went to lots of movies while I while I was pregnant, because it's true, either are things that are going to become so much more difficult later, and you should try to. If you have a buckalist destination that you don't see being fun to do with kids, do it. So I do think there's something research. Yeah, I mean certainly you can travel when you have kids, either with them or without them, So I certainly am not you know, one of my least favorite genres of blog posts or like the thirty things you should Do before having children, because it implies like your life is over when you have kids, and that is not true at all. Yes, things may require more planning, you might require more logistical things, but you know it was stuff on that list is always like your skydiving. You know, I didn't want to skydive before kids. I don't want to skydive after kids. There's no difference, just like you're right, You're right. I would say only if there's something like like I sort of do wish that we had we didn't really have the money because we were too young than never real jobs, but like if you did, like if you know, I'd really like to go to New Zealand. But I don't really feel like doing that flight with kids anytime soon, So I kind of like that would have been a fun thing to have done before, like that kind of really, but I mean we certainly will do that kind of thing later with kids. It's just that in the baby years it is a little bit more challenging to go on a you know, eighteen hour flight. So if there are big things, then get it out of your system. But you're right, it is not. And I do hate the narrative that your life is over. And I also hate the narrative that like just wait, you'll everything's just gonna be horrible, like even then everything will change, Like I this is the like, yes, I was Laura before having kids, and I'm Laura after having kids. And I think, you know, if you know yourself you're going to know yourself after you are going to be the same person. Certain things may wind up magnified just because there are so and stressful situations with children that don't exist without them. But you know, people are like, oh, when I first saw my baby's face, everything changed, Like I think you're just a little bit dramatic, Like, you know, you're still the same person. And you know the fact that this person is thinking about all this stuff, probably this means that she knows herself and it's going to be the same. So yeah, I mean, if you want to go to New Zealand, I guess go to New Zealand. But so she travels for work, maybe she travels for work internationally anyway, Like you know, so she's going to keep doing right, so she may be having to go to New Zealand matter or not. I think we both thought that. I mean, once the pregnancy is definitely a go, you might want to think about childcare strategically, what you're gonna need. Yeah, people fixate on like the bottle warmer and like decorating the nursery and honestly all that stuff. I'm not kidding. You could literally sit in your hospital bed pick up an Amazon Prime and ship at all your house in forty eight hours and like have the stuff you need delivered prior to I mean, I'm not recommending that necessarily, but I think there's some misplaced efforts, And I think the biggest thing you can do is figure out your childcare situation. Like think about, like you know, finding out from your friends if there are good daycares or even like you know, finding out if someone has a great nanny that's going to be not needed at a certain point, Like that is one thing that if you get that in place, you're golden. So I think doing that and not doing that early is a great way for setting yourself up for massive stress when you're trying to go back to work. You know, the people like, oh, well, I don't want to think about childcare because I'm not sure what I want to do, like put it in place, Like that's setting yourself up for not going Like if you're thinking that, like you're not going back to where, Like that's an entirely separate issue. Don't sabotage yourself by them being like, oh, couldn't find good childcare, so I looked for jas, I went chose daycares for oldest for Josper when I was four months pregnant, because that way I knew I would get a spot when I wanted it. I did it when I had a line on the stick, like literally because I knew it was a very like I knew this specific the Duke Daycare was like, and all the faculty member would steal up all the spots, and I was a resident and it was like, I get in a spot spot. So yes, yeah, as much research, and I had done the research prior to getting pregnant so that I knew I could get on the list as soon as I saw the line on the stick, So now we there you go. Because it was one that was a quarter mile from our house and was good, and so that was what I wanted like that, because stuff like that, you know it's going to be you're going to be dealing with it daily, so you want to minimize the difficulties involved in it. Like certainly, if you're thinking about this that your kid will be in for a few years, I mean, you might want to look for places that actually have cafeteria facilities, like so they're making the kids like lunch, so you're not having to pack that daily for instance, that would be a good thing to look into. I was going to say, if you have friends that have kids that you admire and seem happy and well adjusted, hang out with them for brunch or something with the kids, because I do think that, and you know, be careful of who you're choosing. You want to choose people that seem to enjoy that time a life, because I think a lot of people would talk you off. The ledge of how much you might be worried about things, and seeing them in action and how they're still enjoying their lives and having fun and fitting everything together could be really valuable. Like I definitely some of Josh's friends were a little older and had kids and just I don't know, getting to see like, oh, you know, this looks really fun actually kind of takes a little bit of the anxiety away. Took a little bit of the anxiety away from it. Yeah, it's interesting because I feel like in the past, people spent more time around more kids. It seems to me that a lot of people have not really spent extended amounts of time caring for kids until they have their own. I guess I did a lot of babysitting my little brother I was old enough when he was born that I remember a lot of the babyhood. And then my older brother had kids relatively young. He and his wife did so, and I was in the same town as them when their kids were little, so I saw a lot of their babyhood as well. And so I think a lot of people are not familiar with it, and so it becomes this big sort of disorienting thing in a way that it wouldn't necessarily if you'd had sort of more extended family experience around kids. Yeah, any tips for early pregnancy. I will say I did the like non conventional thing and told my practice manager super early because I really did feel like crap, and I prefer to get the sympathy rather than just show look, you know, I mean, I think they were going to figure it out anyway. So I guess that really depends on your job. You know. Some people also have a great pregnancy. Not everybody has nausea. You might be really lucky and feel completely fine. Literally, some people are asymptomatic, so keeping under wraps might just be a matter of some loose or until Yeah, they may not have extended nausea. It might be like just a few weeks like not. You know, some people it's longer into into the first and second trimester and all that. But yeah, and especially if it's your first pregnancy, people, I guess it takes a little bit longer to pop out as they say done. And I actually found with my first pregnancy that I could I was almost up to six months before you could look at me and for sure be like, yeah, that's happening. So uh, you know, you can you could be more discrewed about it if you want. Even actually after that, I would wear like a blazer and a scarf, and you know, nine months, yeah you can tell, but like six months maybe not. If you wear black and everything's draping, it's not so obvious. And you know, obviously by that point many people want to be telling people. But if there's certain things like you don't want to. Like I remember, I had some meeting at one point while I was pregnant, and I was I was trying to get a group to like give me some work. I was meeting with them. I wanted to be working with them, and I thought that walking in like six months pregnant would not be the first the best way to start that off, And so I just didn't mention it right, and you know, it never came up, Like people, if they're polite, are not going to ask. So yeah, now I think you can. You can strategically drape the it's not something you're you're willing to share. Yet. As for traveling, I don't know. I guess my big thing was always making sure I was in your bathrooms. Yeah. Yeah, travels. I mean I think I flew to Veil at like thirty three weeks pregnant when my husband broke his leg with Annabelle. So travels travels fine while pregnant. You're gonna be miserable wherever it is interesting places all good, exactly exactly. Yeah, No, we actually went to I flew to South Africa when I was pregnant with Jasper. I flew to Denmark as well too. I definitely wear some long trips in there, I remember that, all right. Love of the Week, Yeah, okay. Mine is an app called song Kick because you know how like you find out a group you let, a band you like is coming to the area it's like too late and the tickets are all gone, or you hear from a friend that they saw this group that you really like and you're like, damn it, I didn't even know. Well you can like again non sponsored sorry disclaimer, have to say it, but this is an app where you can enter your area and like it will look at all the music on your phone and you can add any groups that you like, and it sort of learns your taste and then it'll do a pop up notification when somebody announces a tour, which I mean, I guess it depends when you live. If you're in New York, that might get annoying, like maybe you'd get a pop up every day, but in Miami it only happens every week or so, and it's been really helpful. Like my father, John Misty is coming. I don't know if anybody knows him, but I'm super excited and I already got the tickets and I don't think I would have known if it wasn't for the app. That's cool. So, yeah, you're a music fan. That sounds like a great way to plan that. I had to make sure that you can get the tickets and not have to necessarily, you know, pay a lot for resale tickets. Yes, you can get them straight off a ticket masters fast. Well. My love of the week I'm gonna give a shout out to this one school fundraiser my kids did. It's called Original Works, And I really am not a big fan of school fundraisers in general. This is like the we could do a whole episode on how much the bake sale concept is that we overpriced wrapping paper or whatever. Like the bake sale has just become this like touchstone of like manufactured guilt or something. But you know, people sell overpriced wrapping paper that you don't really want in the first place anyway, or the little tins of popcorn, and then the kids want you to buy it so that they can get those prizes. Just it's all bad in so many ways, but this one it's it's basically the kids do original artwork and then the company takes the pictures that they draw and puts it on stuff that's basically like conference swag items, right, so t shirts or mugs or you know all that kind of thing. And so I got three jumbo size nice coffee mugs like dishwasher microwave safe, one with each of my three elementary school kids artwork on it, and so I actually use them, like these are good mugs and they have my kids art on it, and that's so much better than like the ten of cheddar popcorn that I shouldn't be eating anyway. So I was a fan of that as an option. Then they didn't have a lot of other stuff that would have I think this was like the loan. I love that, Like that's something I'd actually want to buy for family members. Again, the little wrapping paper type of a thing. That's right. Yeah, No, I mean I think it takes it took a little bit more effort in the sense of you had to have which I assumed that the company had sent their consultants and to help with this like that they had the art come in certain sizes, and they had the carve out time in the class to do it. But you know, they do art anyway, so it's not like they had to suddenly do art when they wouldn't have otherwise. And then, yeah, you know, this stuff is actually useful if you choose the right Again, it's like conference swag type stuff, so you have to choose the ones you'd actually use versus stuff you wouldn't. But the mugs was a good option, so we have that. So that's my love of the week. All right, Well, this has been Best of Both Worlds Episode forty seven. We have mostly been talking our twenty eighteen goals and then also the question of things to do before your kid first kid comes. I guess we put to New Zealand on the list, unless you know you're already going to New Zealand for work anyway, and which case you'll be doing that afterwards, so don't worry about it. We'll be back next week for more on making work in life fit together. Thanks for listening. You can find me Sarah at the shoebox dot com or at the Underscore Shoebox on Instagram, and you can find me Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. This has been the best of Both Worlds podcasts. Please join us next time for more on making work and life work together.