Bitter Truths from a “Sweet Little Nun”: The Enemy of the Self-Centered Mind | Thubten Chodron

Okay.
So I was asked to speak about the four
miserables or the four Brahma viharas
as well as bodhicitta. Yeah.
So
in the poly tradition the order with the
uh brahma brahma vihares is love,
compassion, joy,
equinimity.
In the Sanskrit tradition there's that
same order too but then they also change
the order starting out with equinimity.
Okay? Because it's so important to have
an equal attitude towards everybody, not
play favorites.
Yeah.
What do you think in your life? Do you
have certain people that you like more
than others?
Yeah.
uh certain people that you would help
while others uh maybe you wouldn't wish
them to be hit by a truck but you
wouldn't mind if they were.
Yeah.
Um
Yeah. What would the attitude we're
trying to develop in Buddhism is seeing
that everybody wants happiness equally.
Everybody wants to be free of dooka. I
translated it as dooka. Well, no, duka
is not a translation. It's the poly and
sanskrit term because suffering is not a
very good translation.
Okay. So, everybody wants happiness. We
may get happiness from different things
but the wish for happiness is in all of
us. Yeah. The wish to be free of dooka.
Again, we may have different ailments
and different things that bother us, but
that wish is the same. Yeah. So, not
only are friends, enemies, and strangers
equal in that regard,
but we are equal to all sentient beings
in that regard.
And this uh goes very
smacks us against
uh our self-centered attitude
which says well okay uh maybe I can
conceptually think of uh people
h you know uh wanting happiness and
freedom from misery equally.
But
yeah,
when it comes to doing anything, who
comes first?
Yeah. Who comes first? Who do you take
care of first? Yeah. This one.
This one. Me.
Yeah. So somehow yeah everybody wants
happiness no suffering but my happiness
is the most important. My suffering
hurts more than everybody else's
suffering.
Yeah.
And this is what we hear growing up
isn't it? Yeah. If I don't take care of
myself who will take care of me? Yeah.
People will trample on me. Well, yes, we
have to take care of ourselves otherwise
we become a burden for others,
but or maybe I should say and
we're no more exceptional
than anybody else in terms of wanting
happiness and not wanting duka.
Yeah.
So that is really stretching things a
lot, isn't it? Yeah. To open our heart
in that way that it's not just
theoretically
I have love for everybody. Theoretically
I
have compassion for everybody.
But
I'm not important. Most important. Yeah.
So, uh, if I'm going to take care of
myself, I should take care of everybody.
If I should care about myself, I should
care about the happiness of everybody.
Make some sense.
Conceptually, makes a lot of sense. What
does it say? How about in here?
Well,
yeah. It's so nice to live in a
conceptual world, isn't it? But boy, is
it hard to really live it.
It's hard. Yeah. Because there's always
this thing of you know I am chief
foremost of
everybody.
Yeah. My happiness is more important.
Yeah. That's a big stretch. Um but I
think it's an important one. Yeah.
Because when we look more closely at our
own experience,
that selfcentered mind that makes us
think me, I, my, mine, you know, is most
important.
That mind actually
doesn't protect us. It's a big deceiver.
It says, "But you know, oh yes, cherish
yourself more than everybody else. I
will protect you. I will save you." This
is the self-centered mind talking to us.
Our self-centered mind talking to us. I
will protect you. I will always look out
for you. But actually, when we look at
our experience,
that self-centered mind causes us so
much pain.
Okay. When you think of the things that
you've said or done that you feel bad
about saying or doing. Anybody here have
that?
Yeah. Oh, just a few people. The rest of
you must feel totally good about
everything you've ever said to other
people, everything you've ever done. No,
we all have stuff that we don't feel
good about. Okay. When you look at your
motivation for doing those things,
was there some of the self-centered
thought?
Some of you are nodding. Yes. Some of
you look like you're not really sure.
Yeah.
Well, think about it some more. Okay.
just my own personal experiences,
everything I've done that I regret, all
my non-verirtuous karma. Yeah. There's
always been the thought behind it of my
happiness is
the most important, my suffering is the
most important.
Yeah.
And
with that kind of motivation,
with a little dash of attachment and a
little sprinkle of anger and a lot of
ignorance,
uh then engage in non virtues
and then uh justify it,
rationalize it. Yeah. Do all those
psychological things.
Yeah.
that how it was really good what I did.
Yeah. I did it for somebody else's
benefit.
Yeah. I did it for their benefit so they
wouldn't be mad at me.
Whose benefit was I working for?
Somebody else's or my own? I don't want
people to be mad at me. I don't want
people to think badly of me. I cherish
my my reputation.
Okay.
So when you we you know at first when
you hear this you feel like I'm getting
accused of being selfish. Oh why are you
accusing me? I came to a dharma talk to
hear about light and love and bliss and
you know and you're telling me I'm
selfish.
Yeah. Um but the Buddha had to point out
a lot of things to our to us that we
didn't like to hear.
Yeah. Did you like to hear everything
the Buddha said?
Yeah. Bu Buddha pointed out attachment
as an affliction. Did you say, "Oh,
yippee.
That's wonderful."
Attachments's an affliction. Where's my
chocolate?
Um, anger is an affliction. No,
anger is an affliction. Yeah. I work for
social justice. Anger is what tells me,
what fuels me to work for equality in
society.
Yeah. Why do I go to the no king's
march? Because I'm angry.
I don't like what this beep beep beep in
the Oval Office is beep beep beeping,
you know.
Yeah.
Um and we think yes anger is my friend.
I once did a a talk I think it was in
Michigan at the university to the
department they had a department for
conflict resolution.
Yeah. So they thought I was a sweet
little nun and they they asked me to
give a talk and I talked about they
wanted me to talk about anger, you know,
and I told them about anger and how
anger
starting with us with our own anger, you
know, is is an affliction.
And they got so mad at me
because,
you know, from their point of view,
anger is good.
Anger tells you something's wrong.
Yeah. So, why do you need, you know,
NVC, nonviolent communication? Why do
you need conflict resolution, mediation?
Because anger tells us there's something
wrong.
And uh I, you know, I said
uh I don't agree.
>> Switch mics. This one might have a
little
>> Oh, switch one. Yes.
>> I'm not talking a lot.
>> You're talking perfectly.
>> Oh, yeah. You better say nice things
about me.
I'm most important. Yes. More praise.
Come on.
So yeah, at least Kanti will praise me.
Yeah, Kanti started out at um at
Travasti Abbey and uh then
>> yeah, we we dispatched her to um
Seattle.
Yeah,
>> sewed the robe.
>> Yeah,
sewed the robe. Yeah,
she's cute. We have uh lots of stuffed
animals at the abbey and a few human
beings as well.
Yeah.
Um but do we need to be angry? Is anger
a does anger protect us or is does anger
lie behind a lot of our nonverirtue?
Does attachment protect us or does ta
attachment motivate a lot of our non
virtue?
And so this whole thing of I'm most
important when we look at it, you know,
it's a setup for nonverirtue.
And we all know
through our teachers that non virtue is
the cause of of suffering.
It keeps us going round and around in
cyclic existence.
So it's quite interesting to to look at
this self-centered mind and see it as
our enemy.
Okay. So our enemies are not external.
Yeah. believe it or not, you know that
guy in the uh
square office.
Uh you know who I'm talking about. Um
he's not an enemy.
He is a suffering sentient being who
wants to be happy and not h have pain
just like me. Just like you. Yeah. How
can I say I'm more important?
Yeah. When I look at that self-centered
mind,
there's a whole lot of what I like to
call rules of the universe.
Yeah. Some of you may have rules of the
universe.
Of course, I'm talking about my rules of
the universe. Yeah. Not yours. They may
sound alike. Okay. You want to hear my
rules of the universe? They're the most
important thing you can learn today.
Yeah. Everything you should do so that I
will be happy because my happiness is
foremost. Okay. Rules of the univer.
First of all,
everybody should like me.
Do you have that rule of the universe?
Uh yeah, one person's nodding. Yes.
Are the rest of you, are you telling the
truth?
Yeah.
My Yeah. Everybody should like me.
Yeah. Nobody should uh second rule of
the universe. Everything I do is right.
Everything I do is good. Yeah. Do you
have that rule too?
But you see something's wrong with your
rule because when you say I do
everything right, you think you're
you're talking about yourself.
But when you say I I'm saying I think
I do everything right and you nod your
head that you agree. Yeah. Then uh Yeah.
Then I I do everything right. You should
all listen to me.
Yeah. It's very interesting when we look
at the words I and you.
Yeah. When we say I, we feel like
there's a real I here.
An inherently existent I. I am more
important.
Yeah. But then when you say it, when you
say I am more important, it's you.
I is this one. You is over there.
So I am more important is here. You are.
Yeah. I care about you.
You know, I'm a good Buddhist. Yeah. So
um
But it's interesting, you know, when we
say I, I only refers to one person.
Why do we think that one person is more
important than everybody else?
Yeah. I mean, we believe in democracy,
don't we?
We don't want a king. Uh well, we say
that when it talks to some about
somebody else being a king, but I can be
a king. I can be a queen.
Yes.
Some of you may remember the show Queen
for a Day.
Yeah. Somebody who lived with the
dinosaurs who's my age. Yeah. Queen for
the day. They let they may even give you
a washing machine as a as a gift.
Yes. Cuz you were a valuable woman.
Yeah. So you're queen for a day. You get
a washing machine.
Okay. But what we label I
Yeah. is we always assume it goes to
this body, this mind.
But actually that's a matter of
perspective, isn't it?
Because other people say I too.
And they aren't referring to me.
They should because I am most important.
But when other people say I, they're
referring
to you.
So who is I and who is you?
Yeah. Is there a real eye that's more
important or is it just a matter of
perspective that we think like that?
Is it really you who your your suffering
doesn't hurt as much as mine?
Is it really
that yours that you are separate?
Because from your viewpoint, you're I
most important.
So why, you know, why do we think this
one is more important?
It's It's really not fair, is it?
Yeah. We're Americans. We believe in
fairness.
Justice. Is it just
that I consider myself more important
than everybody else? That if we had a
vote of all sentient beings minus one,
they're on one part of the ballot.
The other one, me, is on the other part
of the ballot. Who are you going to vote
for?
Everybody but minus one or me?
Well, you know,
it'd be nice to say everybody minus one
majority wins.
All sentient beings minus one are more
important than this one.
Yeah.
So just we have to start out
developing that kind of mind, you know,
a conceptual understanding of it. You
know, it takes a lot of practice to get
it from up here into here. You know, as
with everything in the dharma.
Yeah.
We start out conceptually understanding
it but wow
really living it is is another matter de
and that's why they call it practice
we practice the dharma it takes time it
takes practice it takes training
okay
so
I was telling you my rules of the
universe let's go back to that because
my roles the inner are most most
important. Okay? So everybody has to
like me. I do everything right. Okay? I
have no faults.
And if I make a mistake, you don't
notice it
because you're noticing my faults. That
is an incorrect cognition.
Even if there's maybe a tinge of truth
to it, you still aren't supposed to
notice my faults.
Okay. What do you think? Do you have
that rule of the universe?
How many of you are married?
Oh,
does your spouse not notice your faults?
Do you notice your fault? Your spouse's
faults.
Okay.
Who's more important?
Well, on the day you got married, they
were more important.
Yeah. So, that was one day. Now, we're
on to the rest of our life.
Okay. And that's why problems arise in
marriages, isn't it? Because everybody
says I am more important.
What I think what I want. I want Chinese
food. You want Mexican food. We always
go to Mexican restaurants. Let's do it
my way for once. and your spouse is
saying, "No, we always go to Chinese
restaurants. Let's go to Mexican for
once." Yeah.
This is this is our world, isn't it?
Yeah. Okay. So, I don't have any faults.
And if even if I make a mistake, you are
not supposed to notice it. Yeah. I
always get my way
because I'm always right.
One of my friends was telling me that
she and her husband went to uh marriage
counseling one time and her husband was,
you know, going on and on about all of
her faults. You know, Kathleen has this
and she does this and she does this and
she does this and you know, and he was
saying, "I'm right. You know, she's
wrong. I'm right." And the therapist
therapist was smart. therapist said to
him, "You can either be right or you
could love her."
Yeah. Do you want to have a awful
marriage or do you want to have a good
marriage?
Yeah. If you're the one that's always
right.
Yeah.
Okay.
But when we go to work, when you go to
your workplace, aren't you always right?
Yeah. Your boss doesn't understand.
Yeah. I mean, in in our monastery, you
you probably Well, you don't have any
other younger disciples with you. Just
you wait
at our monastery. Yeah.
the the students uh you know when you
try
and help them to learn something and see
something where they can refute can can
improve because you think that's why
they came there
is because they wanted to practice
dharma and improve and they look at you
and say
no
no I'm not going to do that No, you're
misperceiving me. You're projecting on
me. You talk all about uh how we project
on people. Yeah, you're talking about
yourself.
They say to me,
they don't know that I am always right.
Yeah. Even when I have a little bit of
compassion, try and tell them something
for their own good.
Yeah,
but it's interesting you know who is I
and who is you?
It really totally depends on
perspective.
So when we say I am more important
why does always I always stick to this
body and mind?
It's really not right.
I should refer to all sentient beings
because the just the sentence I want to
be happy
is what everybody says.
Yeah.
There was one uh you know we we hear in
the Jatica tales many stories of how the
Buddha when he was a bodhic satta
sacrificed things for the welfare of
other living beings. Yeah. And it's nice
tales about bunny rabbits and and so on.
Uh being compassionate,
but you know living that
is is a work in progress.
One example that I uh see of that
maybe it would be the beginning of a
western version of the Jatica tales
was you may remember some years ago uh
in New York on this uh people were
waiting on the subway and somebody I
don't know what happened fell off the
platform and was on the tracks, the
train tracks,
right as a car, a subway car was coming
and one man, a total stranger who was on
the train on the platform, jumped off,
laid on top of the other guy on the rail
who was on the rails, pressing him down,
pressing both of them down, and the
train went right over both of them.
And the guy who had fallen off was
unharmed and so was the guy who
jumped off.
Whoa,
that's amazing, isn't it?
When I think, you know, would I do that?
Would I jump off the subway platform
and put my own life in danger to save
save somebody else's?
Or would I stand there and go, "Oh, this
is terrible. He's going to get hurt. You
jump off and save him."
Yeah.
Oh, you pass the buck to him. Okay.
Yeah.
But that's you know
that I don't even know the man the name
of the person who did that. Yeah. He got
invited to the presidential to the um
what was it? The state of the union. It
this happened on uh with Bo uh Obama. He
was invited to the state of the union.
That deserves some recognition what he
did. Okay. But in our life you know we
have to start small steps. Yeah. Doing
something with the attachment to self
and really opening our heart and saying
everybody
wants happiness as intensely as I do.
Everybody wants to be free of suffering
as intensely as I do.
And so another version of the four
measurables of the Brahma viharus is you
put equinimity first.
Okay? And it's not just equinimity
between friend, enemy and stranger. It's
also equinimity between me and others.
Yeah. And then on that basis
cultivating love for everybody including
ourselves equally
cultivating compassion
joy for everybody including ourselves
and everybody else equally.
Yeah. It's a different way of of seeing
the Brahma vihares but it's very potent.
Yeah. And I know for my my own practice
really looking at uh the self-centered
mind and my rules of the universe.
Yeah. If I can really see them
then I see that my rules of the universe
cause me and others a lot of pain.
Yeah. How about your rules of the
universe?
Oh, one lady who's about my age is
nodding yes. All you youngans are
sitting there like, "What's this old
lady sitting in the front of the room
talking about?
I am more important."
But just think about it. Yeah, think
about it.
Okay.
Oh, I have seven more minutes before
Q&A.
So, with this thought, I'll continue on.
Um, with this thought that self and
others are equal.
Yeah.
than
living our life trying to do what is
beneficial for everybody concerned.
Yeah. And even when we do our dharma
practice
to do it for the benefit of everybody
else.
Yeah. Because we live in a world filled
with other sentient beings.
Yeah. And we're not really king or
queen.
Yeah. Of them all.
And so even when we do our dharma
practice, yeah, everything we do in our
life to have that idea of I'm doing it
for the benefit of all beings
because that will really help us in our
practice.
And then we will actually become more
loving, become more compassionate
and work for the benefit of others.
Yeah. When you see your teachers, are
they compassionate people?
Oh, that same lady is nodding yes. The
rest of And one other lady nods yes. the
other of you. Well, now you know the
truth.
Yeah.
But but really uh you know try and
adjust our perspective to taking
everybody into consideration.
Okay. So we do this. We start out just
on our own personal life. Start out with
your family and deciding what restaurant
you're going to. Yeah. The danger in
this is you'll say to your spouse, "Oh,
yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, we'll
go get Mexican food. It's what you want?
Yeah, it's fine."
No, it has to be, "Oh, that makes
somebody else happy. When somebody else
is happy, then I'm happy.
Yeah.
When you go to the No Kings March, how
many of you went to No Kings?
This side of the room is Yeah. active.
This side of the room, I don't know.
Yeah. You all sit there. No kings. Yeah.
They should march for me. Yeah. I'm
king. I'm queen. Yeah. You get your
washing machine.
Um
yeah, but to to really think I mean
imagine how different this country would
be if we cherished everybody equally to
how we cherish ourselves.
Yeah. How many of you work for ICE or
the border control?
Uh, what's wrong with you? You know,
aren't you working for the benefit of
the country getting all these aliens
out?
Okay.
I mean, why do we go for the mar to to a
march? Because we care about all living
beings.
Yeah. We want to live in a society where
people are treated respectfully.
where there actually is equal
opportunity.
Yeah, in samsara that's going to be
hard, but who cares? We work for it
anyway.
Okay.
So what I'm getting at is you know what
we learn in the dharma applies to our
self and our our own im the people
around us that we encounter every day.
But if you look the dharma also applies
to groups of people to countries.
Yeah. America first.
What about if we really cherished other
countries?
Yeah.
What about if the US aid program were
reinstated?
Yeah. So that
companies uh countries who needed more
aid, who needed medicine, who needed
food would receive it. Okay. Now, some
of you are probably thinking, why is she
talking about politics?
You know, you shouldn't talk about
politics. You don't know who's in the
off in the audience. They're going to
throw me to the floor and sh handcuff me
and drag me out here. Yeah. I'm not
talking about politics.
I'm talking about ethical conduct.
I'm not talking about politics. I'm
talking about human values of love and
compassion and respect.
Okay? Dharma, you know, isn't just about
me and my the people near me. Yeah. It
pertains to everything in our life.
Yeah. When we talk about ethical
conduct, Sila, it's not just for people
who have a nice hairo and funny clothes.
Yeah. Yeah. Your hair looks really good
today, I tell you.
Yeah. How does mine look?
>> Oh, it's beautiful.
>> Oh, yes. I
>> Millimeter.
>> Yes. I did it especially because I was
coming here. I wanted to look good.
Yeah. My makeup's okay.
>> Oh, you don't like my makeup?
Yeah. But you know, dharma applies not
just to me. It applies
to everything in our youth. Eth ethical
conduct, you know, isn't an elementary
practice for people, you know, with our
hairdo and funny clothes. Ethical
conduct is the root to being happy.
Yeah.
Ethical conduct helps us overcome this
self-centered mind that is our enemy.
Yeah. My teacher Zopache was uh quite
emphatic about that. You know your
self-centered mind is your enemy. Yeah.
So when you're miserable,
instead of pointing the finger at the
other person,
like we usually do because it's
everybody else's fault that we're
unhappy,
but he said, "Point the finger at your
self-centered mind."
It's an incredible uh technique, but
when we point the finger at the
self-centered mind, we don't point here,
okay? because that we already do that.
We already blame oursel. We're not
talking about blaming ourselves. We're
not talking about feeling guilty. We're
talking about seeing that our
self-centered mind is not an inherent
part of who we are.
Yeah. It's something extra and added on
that is not in the basic nature of the
mind. It can be eliminated.
Yeah. So when we point we when we
practice this way we put our
self-centered mind outside you can
decorate it and make it look like some
kind of figure you know whatever you
think is really like
you know
you put it outside and when you're
unhappy
you point to your self-centered mind and
said it's your problem
I'm not going to be unhappy.
Self-centered mind, you're the cause of
this problem. I am giving my unhappiness
to you. You can be unhappy
because you created the cause.
And then your mind is relaxed again.
What do you think of that way of
thinking?
Sounds crazy, doesn't it? Yeah.
My teacher taught it. I said, "Okay,
yeah, but I'm still more important."
So, I'll tell you one one story about
that. Um, in the summer of
when was it? Long time ago. I think it
was um 87. In the summer of 87, I had
the fortune to be able to go to Tibet
and uh
I was
encountered the attendant of one of my
teachers there and my teacher had had
died already but uh he took me to um my
my teacher's that my teacher's family.
Yeah.
and we were staying there. And then we
wanted to go uh to this lake called
Lamolo Lato. It's a very famous lake in
Tibet where when they want to find the
incarnation of the Daly Lama, they send
a uh a group of monks out there who look
in the lake and they can see special
signs that give them an indication of um
where the the next Daly Lama was born.
Yeah. So, we wanted to see that lake.
It's down in a valley and we, you know,
you're up on kind of looks like a
volcano, but I don't know. I mean, in
the sense that you're up on top looking
way down at this lake. Anyway, to get
from the the house to to the lake, it
was a few days journey and uh we went on
horseback.
Okay. Uh and so
because that's you know way a good means
of transportation in in Tibet in the
1980s.
So um there were a few of us in this
group and they gave me a very nice sweet
horse. Okay. I called her Nelly Bell and
uh
she was very sweet. Well, there was one
western monk who was in our group and
then the rest uh Tibetans, I think, and
uh and his horse was not so cooperative.
His horse would when we had to cross
streams would stop in the middle of the
stream
and he's sitting there, you know,
kicking it and trying to get the c the
horse to go the rest of the way. So he
he crossed a few streams like that.
Anyway, we got to one stream and his
horse,
you know, would would not budge and or
no, it was before we got to that stream.
And his horse again, you know, was
giving problems and I said to him, I
have a really sweet horse. Let's change
horses. Yeah. Um and and Nelly Bell, you
know, can escort you across the streams.
Well, he was a monk.
And you know, men,
no.
You know, I'm riding this horse. You
know, it's okay. You know, you're a
woman. You have the sweet horse.
Anyway, he he refused my offer and I
really sincerely meant it because this
was somebody I had worked with before uh
at a Dharma center and we did not get
along always, you know, because he
really arrogant guy, you know, and
we worked together. It was always his
fault that I was miserable. I was really
trying on this trip to be kind and to
see his good qualities because he has
many good qualities. So that's why I
offered him the horse to change horses,
he refused.
And and he not only refused,
he proceeded to tell me everything he
didn't like about me because I told you
we didn't get along before when we
worked. So then he goes, "No, and you
did this and you did this and you did
this and so and so even told me, you
know, that you did that and this other
person told me that you did this and
you're so cool on B and nobody in the
organization likes you
and he gave it to me, you know, after
sweet innocent me offered him my my
horse." He replied with just this
barrage of
So,
for some reason, maybe because it was we
were on a spiritual pilgrimage to this
lake,
I thought cuz usually I do not like
being criticized.
Yeah,
I do not like being criticized because I
already told you I'm never wrong
and I don't have any faults. And here he
is taking out this whole, you know, he
must have been keeping, you know, tabs
on this for a long time because it all
came out. And my first thing was he's
criticizing me. And then I thought, no,
that's my self-centered mind that
doesn't like to be critic criticized.
And it's my self-centered mind that
maybe I have to actually acknowledge
that I did some of those things that he
was criticizing.
Yeah.
So, it's my self-centered mind that's
the cause of my problem here. And so,
you know, I just practiced the whole
rest of the way, you know, as his horse
continued to get stuck in the middle of
the stream and my horse went across to
think, you know,
my unhappiness at being the brunt of of
his
rampage, verbal rampage. Um, I'm giving
this pain to my self-centered thought.
Yeah. It was the first time I ever
really did this meditation.
You know, pain, self-centered thought.
You take it. You take it. You take it.
Yeah. And the self-centered thought was
my my decoration. I told you you could
de make a self-centered thought the way
you Yeah. was this sweet little innocent
girl with a lace collar, you know, kind
of like uh uh Ruth Bader used to wear,
you know, that lace. Except um my sweet
little girl did not have her qualities.
It was like
be nice to me,
please. And you know, that was an anot
how I pictured my self-centered thought.
And I just I said, "Okay, you can have
all this suffering." Yeah, he's
criticizing you. He's not criticizing
me.
And by the time we got to where we were
going the next day and set up camp or
that evening, my mind was peaceful.
It was amazing because usually if that
had happened, I would be so angry,
you know. that you could see the fire
coming out of my ears. I would be so
angry. And that evening because I
practiced like that, my mind was
peaceful.
Oh,
give the pain to the self-centered
thought. Let your own mind be happy.
Okay.
So, yeah. So, that was a vivid
experience for me. I
don't know how many times I've done that
technique since then because I'm always
right. Um,
yeah. But, uh, you know, that that
ability to say, "Oh, I it's the fault of
my self-centeredness."
Yeah,
when we are kind to people, when our
compassion comes out. I'm over time now.
Sorry. No, actually I'm not sorry. That
was a lie. I confess. Um I'm not
um
Okay.
Where was my train of thought? I got
lost there.
What was I just saying? Something about
self. Oh yes, his holiness. Yeah. When
we are compassionate to others. Yeah.
Sometimes,
wouldn't it be nice if they said thank
you?
Yeah. I mean, everything we did for
them,
how we sacrificed, we worked overtime so
that you could go home to your family.
Yeah. Whatever it was. And people don't
always say thank you when we're kind to
them.
What's wrong with you? I did something
nice for you. You should repay my
kindness. At least a thank you. A gift
would be better, but at least a thank
you.
Yeah.
And his holiness Daly Lama says when we
are compassionate,
Yeah. Then the act of being
compassionate and is the reward. You
don't need a thank you.
The act of doing something for someone
else and how good that feels.
That
is all we really need.
We don't need a thank you card. We don't
need a birthday present. We don't need a
bouquet of flowers.
Yeah.
That compassion itself is its own
reward.
Whoa.
That's another one to practice, isn't
it?
You know, similar with love. when we you
know not only when we alleviate
somebody's kindness but when we give uh
give them gifts and so on.
Yeah. The giving is the reward.
Yeah. And for you is the giving the
reward or
you want something back. I mean at least
a thank you.
Yeah. At least somebody, you know,
holding what you gave them, that ugly
thing that somebody gave you that you
didn't want that now you're giving
somebody else because it's their
birthday because you want to get rid of
it. Least they could do is say thank
you.
But just yeah making what we do in our
life its own reward
you know if we do it with a good
motivation.
Okay
now it's question and answer time. Okay.
Su
a numo.
>> We have time for questions.
>> Are you sure you rejoice?
Are you sure it was good? Okay,
questions. Yeah.
Okay,
>> Joseph visiting here from uh Toronto.
>> Thank you, Venerable. Um I had a
specific question regarding
compassion, cultivating compassion.
So I'm noticing um in personal practice
a kind of I'm trying to find the right
word to describe it. So I I'd have to
use a story as an example.
So there's a story in the sutas of the
Buddha is giving touring a monastery and
he comes across a sick monk who's been
left on his own and he's defecating and
he's covered in his own filth and he
asks what why is why has this monk been
left alone like that and the monks say
that oh he does nothing for us so we we
do nothing for him and so I'm noticing
it as an individual there's a lot of
anger or a feeling of rage at even the
whiff of indifference or apathy or a
lack of empathy and if it doesn't feel
feels then that's just adding suffering
onto suffering. So like I guess the
question is how do we cultivate
compassion for
uh those who are indifferent or don't or
lack empathy? How do we have care for
that and not uh add suffering onto
suffering?
>> Yeah. Okay.
It's the same thing. Get in touch with
how much you want to be happy and how
much you don't want to suffer. Get in
touch with that. I mean that is kind of
running our whole life and then think
that person is exactly the same from
their perspective. The intensity that I
feel about my happiness and my
suffering, that's what they feel. We're
exactly alike.
Why should I just eliminate my
suffering?
Eliminate theirs, too. In other words,
suffering is suffering. It doesn't
matter whose it is. It's something to be
eliminated.
Yeah.
And if we can do something, we do
something. Sometimes we can't, but at
least we can cultivate compassion and
make prayers
uh aspirations for their benefit.
Something to keep our heart open and
connected.
Okay.
Other questions?
>> People can raise their hand or on Zoom.
Cheryl,
>> I have a question. Um, you got my
attention with anger being an
affliction. And um, I I've lived with
anger. It's pretty strong anger my whole
life. I I kind of blame it on PTSD, but
it comes
>> Can you talk like this? I have a
hearing.
>> Oh, can you hear me now? Okay.
>> Yeah. Talk right into it.
>> Right into it. It's pretend
noises that close to you.
>> Okay. So, um can talk about anger as a
mind state and how to work with anger. I
mean, I see it. I see it. And I and I
see after I have an episode of really
intense anger, I was like, man, I that
was so unnecessary,
but yet there it was.
So, thank you. I just want to
>> Yeah. Oh, so what was the question?
Well, the question is mind state mind
state of anger. How do we reconcile the
mind state of anger with with the
affliction of anger? Maybe that's the
question.
>> Oh, my the affliction of anger when it's
manifest is a mental state of anger.
>> Yeah.
>> It's there.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. And anger um
>> anger looks like it's going to be our
friend and protect us,
>> but it isn't.
>> No, it's not.
>> Yeah.
>> Over and over again, it's not.
>> Yeah.
>> Okay. Did I answer your question?
>> Yeah, you did. You did. Thank you.
>> Okay. Good.
>> In the back over there.
Uh
uh first thank you for the talk. You
really enjoyed it. Um I would say like
as part of dharma practice we talk about
cherishing and wishing for the happiness
not just of our families but of all
sensient beings. Um but what if we
haven't been able to do that for
ourselves? Um do you there's a saying
put on your you know air mask or
breathing masks before you help others.
And if you're shown in the state of you
don't really cherish yourself, what do
you propose this person does in dharma
practice?
>> Okay. So you're saying uh
we don't really feel like helping
somebody, but we want to be a good
Buddhist, so we put on a a nice face and
fake it till we make it.
Yeah. Okay.
So there's a couple of things there. One
is when we notice that the self-centered
thought or the anger whatever it is is
rate is manifest at that time.
Stop pause and change our motivation.
Yeah. So that's one way just change our
motivation. Know that person wants to be
happy
as much as I do. Yes. their happiness is
important. At least get it to the level
where you can say that to yourself
instead of calling that person names,
you know, change the motivation as best
as you can. Yeah.
If you you know and then do something,
you know, you may not have a totally
perfectly compassionate motivation, but
it hurts the self-centered thought
to make it move to do something nice
when it feels like it doesn't want to.
So hurting the self-centered thought is
good. So, it's not a thing of, oh, I'm
doing it because I feel guilty and I
don't really want to, but I don't want
that everybody to think bad of me. It's
like, okay, yeah, that person's
important. I do care about them. There's
still some caring more about myself,
but my value is that other people are
import as important as I am.
So, my self-centered thought doesn't
like it. That's good. I get to do
something
against my self-centered thought, which
is my real enemy. And so, you do
something kind for that person.
Yeah.
>> One more question.
>> Thanks.
>> There's someone on Zoom.
>> Okay. The person on Zoom.
>> Somebody over here. Actually, would you
want to go live or the person on Zoom?
>> Uh, as long as I can hear it.
>> Okay, let's try the person on Zoom.
>> Okay, you may have to repeat it.
>> Okay, person on Zoom.
>> Oh, hi. Um, my name's Julie. Can you
hear me? Okay.
>> Yeah.
>> Okay. Hi. Thank you so much for your
talk today.
I'm wondering if you can help me shift
my perspective and how I would apply the
self-centered mind to a recent
situation.
And it's hard to be vulnerable and give
my honest
feelings about this situation that's so
minor in the grand scheme of things. Um,
I was at the store recently and somebody
called me when I was at the store for a
different thing and she said, "Oh,
you're at that store. I was just at that
store and they were out of this thing
that I needed. Will you check to see if
it's back in?" And I said, "Absolutely,
no problem." And she said, "If it's
there, can you pick it up for me?" It
was there. And I did. and she said,
"Thank you." Um, but she didn't pay me
for it.
>> She didn't pay you back.
>> Oh my goodness.
Can you imagine that?
>> That's it.
>> That's exactly what I do.
>> The rules of the universe.
>> This is terrible. Terrible.
>> Yeah. You were so kind.
>> Yeah. and she just took it and enjoyed
it without paying you back. Oh, my heart
goes out with compassion to you. Yeah.
Yeah. This is exactly when my when my
own self-centered mind does this, this
is exactly how I talk to it. I make fun
of it.
>> Oh, that's so good.
And then and then the mind can relax. I
love you just shifted it for me. Make
fun of it. Make light of it rather than
if I don't say anything I'm a doormat.
>> If I say something I'm petty and shallow
because it's only money.
>> Yeah.
>> But instead just be silly with it.
>> Make fun of your own self-centerness.
Ah
>> yeah.
>> Thank you.
>> Just Yeah. just do it over the top, you
know, like I just did for you. Oh, you
poor baby. You paid for somebody else's
thing and they just took it as if you
were a doormat and didn't pay you back.
Oh, this is terrible.
>> And you know, if you do that, it really
works, you know.
>> Yeah. Because you have to, you know, I
mean, we are the way our mind works
sometimes is actually hilarious.
>> We have to learn to laugh at ourself.
>> Yeah.
>> Thank you.
>> Sometimes people so serious.
>> I do that.
>> Yeah.
>> Everything is so serious.
>> Yeah. You guys so serious. The first
time. Should I tell them what you asked
me? No, I won't do that. Yeah. Yeah. So
serious.
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, poor baby.
>> You too.
>> Okay. So, really make fun of yourself.
It's it's a wonderful antidote.
Yeah. And I think in our dharma
practice, we need to learn to laugh
more. Yeah. Because our mind is funny,
isn't it? When you look at what you
think sometimes, isn't it hilarious?
I I I have two minutes. I'll tell you a
story of what I had what I did. Yeah. I
I have to finish on time because,
you know, they need Yeah. No. Yeah. Oh,
you want to blame yourself? Great.
They have to eat. Yeah. Yeah. The women.
Yeah. You have to eat, too. Yeah. Uh,
but you're on my side, so you know.
Anyway, so what happened? What was that
story I was going to tell you now
about Oh, yes.
Yeah. I am full of stories. So, one time
when I was I was still pretty much a
baby nun at that time, but Oh, yeah. I
was working at another dharma center and
the monks there. Oh, they treated me
awfully. And I got so angry, you know,
because they they were really macho and
uh and I was persecuted
and so I I went to do retreat after
that. Um
I was in Europe when they were making
fun of me. I went to Indian back to
India. I was doing retreat,
sitting there in my little hut doing
retreat, so peaceful and thinking, you
know, my teacher was at the at the same
center. And I thought,
he sees me sitting here. Yeah. Because
my teacher obviously has psychic powers
and knows what I'm doing. Yeah. And I'm
foremost in his thought. Yeah. Yeah. He
has thousands of disciples. But you know
I he thinks so he's looking and he's
saying, "Oh, look at her. She's such a
perfect,
you know, really dedicated, sincere
practitioner."
And I thought, "That's what, you know,
he's looking at me now and that's what
he's thinking." And then as soon as I
thought that thought, I burst out
laughing.
Yeah. In my quiet cootie, you know, I
burst out laughing because it was
hilarious.
Yeah.
I think that Yeah, that's what he's
thinking about me. And when I'm sitting
there feeling so arrogant because I'm
such a good disciple and my teacher's
going to see me as a good disciple.
Yeah. my teacher's gonna go, "Oh, I'm so
glad she's my disciple
then." I mean, what a hilarious idea.
So, I just cracked up laughing in the
middle of my meditation session.
Yeah. So, we have to learn to laugh at
ourselves and the the stupidagios
the way our mind thinks sometimes.
Yeah.
Okay, it's their lunchtime.
>> Can we get three big sados for venerable
tupin children? Sad.
Sad.
>> Thank you. Oh, I got three. I want three
more. Sudden.
You don't really mean it. You're just
saying