Therapy Sesh with Chloe Veitch

00:00:05
Speaker 1: Hello, gorgeous. It is Lala Kent. I am beyond smitten right now with my next guest. She is our Internet it girl, reality TV star, and host of the brand new radio show on the Unwell Network, Big Sister with Chloe Beach. Please welcome Chloe Beach. Hello, gorgeous, Hello, oh divine, you are like so beyond stunning.

00:00:30
Speaker 2: Oh thank you?

00:00:31
Speaker 1: Like I looked at I cyberstalked you and I thought you like, oh my, and I hate when people say this to me, so it's not now I'm saying it. Even how stunning you are on your Instagram, you're even more breathtaking in person, if that is possible.

00:00:48
Speaker 2: I love you, Thank you.

00:00:49
Speaker 1: You can stay here all day to now what.

00:00:51
Speaker 2: I used to take that as like a backhanded compliment because I would then think, oh no, my Instagram isn't good and I don't know, right am I not photogenic? But now I'm like, no, that is because I feel out when you see someone in person, they have an aura and an energy, right, which then takes it from Instagram and it's like lifelike.

00:01:07
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I think so too. And I think I watched a video of yours where you got glammed up, you got really close to the camera, you showed your your wrinkles, your smile lines, and there was something about that that I just loved so much. And I love it not only for me. I'll be thirty five this year, and even at this age, I still get onto, you know, social media and go, I want to get my nose done, yeah, to look like this girl's. I want to take these lips in to show my plastic surgeon to give me these lips.

00:01:40
Speaker 2: Yeah.

00:01:40
Speaker 1: So I love it for me, but I love that you did that. As someone who is a mom to two girls, it's very scary raising kids in this new world of social media and what they're going to be exposed to and see, and they may not feel good enough at moments. So I want to say thank you for doing that, but also on the heels of what we were just saying when you did that, when you see someone in person, there's something about the humanness that I think makes someone very beautiful the aura.

00:02:09
Speaker 2: And you humanize them. First of all, thank you. I love you for that because I always I try not to be like perfect and pristine on Instagram, and it's sober hard because even like you sometimes I look at people's instagrams, I'm like, I want a BBL.

00:02:23
Speaker 1: You just want to go so bad I can't even stand it.

00:02:26
Speaker 2: I don't want to have to go to the gym and like actually work for a bum, Like I want to just just you know, fly to Turkey get it bought right. But no, that's not the worst. My insecurity is speaking to me so like I have to kind of block it out, and I'm like, no, I'm perfect the way I am, perfect way I am. I just need to go to the gym.

00:02:43
Speaker 1: That's it.

00:02:43
Speaker 2: Build the booty. I can change. I want to change.

00:02:46
Speaker 1: But by the way, I'm the same with you as like the BBL. And then like when I Pamela Anderson started, you know, the revival of her and all of the photos that started coming.

00:02:57
Speaker 2: Out of going on Red Carpets, flawless, flawless. Yeah right, yeah, I actually just spoke about this on my radio show and me literally saying that I think I'm going to go into a Pamela Anderson because it's like it's exposure to judgment and shame and fear of like not being liked by other people, right, just like being authentically yourself. And then you kind of lean into Oh no, this is me and it's not actually that scary people see me without makeup.

00:03:26
Speaker 1: Do you think that people feel that way even who are not in the public eye. Yeah, more so than people that are in the public eye.

00:03:34
Speaker 2: Do you think I feel like I can only speak on my experience, and my experience is because I've been exposed to so many eyes on me, and like people have given me insecurities I didn't even know, like knew I had so like, I don't know, I'm trying to give you an example. My face is really long, and I never really noticed that when I was a child. It's you know, it's just a vice, guess where you can swear, you can say whatever you want. It's just a fucking vice, right, you know what? Now I'm like, oh no, does my face look really long in pictures?

00:04:11
Speaker 1: Like what? Isn't it crazy?

00:04:14
Speaker 2: What even a thing? I know?

00:04:16
Speaker 1: And I felt that like I came into reality television, I want to say, I think I had just turned twenty four. I was very impressionable. I had very little confidence, but I knew I wanted to be an entertainment and at that time, I was like broken out and it was like I either suck it up yeap and fake my confidence until I actually have it, or I got to go back to Utah and like go to college, which I'm not good at school, get a normal job like that just does not sound like something I would be good at. And I literally got confidence. People would say, like, how do I get your confidence? This was season four, twenty four years old. I'm like, I don't. I don't even have it.

00:05:03
Speaker 2: No, what is it? What is self validation? What is self love? Like? What does it mean and look like and feel like? To love yourself? And you learn that by faking it.

00:05:13
Speaker 1: You fake it until you make it, exposing yourself to feelings and judgment and then.

00:05:19
Speaker 2: Just it's like exposure therapy. My therapist says to me all the time, Okay, I'm going to put you in an emotion. You're going to feel it, and you're going to recognize that you're not going to die. So I feel the emotion and I'm like, oh my god, I feel like I'm going to die, but I don't die, Okay, perfect. So the next time I feel that emotion, I'm going to feel like I'm going to die, and it's going to expose me to that overwhelming feeling where of like I'm not good enough. Pamela Anderson prime example, she is good enough.

00:05:46
Speaker 1: And by the way, she's never looked better because it's about like what's happening internally is coming out the.

00:05:51
Speaker 2: Aurba the aura. Yeah, humanizing her. M h. I love it.

00:05:56
Speaker 1: I like the the exposure therapy that your therapist. I for the first time, I want to say, in the past week two weeks, have had to acknowledge when I get jealous, we need.

00:06:12
Speaker 2: To talk about this, because time we need to talk about this.

00:06:14
Speaker 1: Okay, saying it makes me like I can feel the elephant on my.

00:06:18
Speaker 2: Chests, on yourself. You're putting yourself under the bus.

00:06:21
Speaker 1: I'm putting myself under the bus. And the only reason I acknowledged this was, have you done a human design? Your human design?

00:06:29
Speaker 2: Who I want to marry? Is Is that what I mean? No?

00:06:32
Speaker 1: But I love that, I wish that. I love that I manifest that a human design as you put your time of birth and where you were born. Oh yeah, and it's it's not like your star sign. It's a breakdown a blueprint of who you are. And my downfall is bitterness. And then I clicked on it. I was like, I don't love this word. I click on it and it said you can take other people's success as a personal attack and get jealous. And when you allow yourself to feed into that and not acknowledge it, it blankets who you are to your core, which is not that person, and it dims your light. And I was like, I'm going to throw up. I'm going to throw up.

00:07:20
Speaker 2: Someone post me at please.

00:07:24
Speaker 1: So that I've had to literally in moments where I see things and I'm like, I can't see it, I can't hear about it. It's like you're feeling envious, you're feeling jealous. You're taking their success or whatever it may be, their face, their brand new lips that you'll never have.

00:07:42
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're bum They're bum that I will have in the year.

00:07:46
Speaker 1: Once I consistently go to the camp, I can consistently do it, acknowledge that, and be okay with it. You won't die.

00:07:55
Speaker 2: Yeah. Wow, Yeah, I'm so proud of you by the way, I feel like you're my there. No, but that's hard. That's really hard because looking at yourself in the mirror and recognizing that beyond surface level, we all have toxic traits like We sometimes are the problem. Yeah, just like that meme, Am I the problem?

00:08:15
Speaker 1: Yeah?

00:08:15
Speaker 2: Sometimes we are the problem. So touched on what you've just said, my boyfriend currently my current boyfriend. That sounds really bad.

00:08:25
Speaker 1: I know it.

00:08:26
Speaker 2: My boyfriend that I love very much. We are currently going through something where he's constantly around beautiful women. Okay, he manages talent, he's got like the Love Islanders on his Rosstar and like people that he manages on a day to day and he spends extensive amounts of time with them, and I barely get to see him during the day because he's working, like sixteen seventeen hours. My ex cheated on me left me in Thailand. We were looking at engagement rings two days before he slept with multiple women. So from that previous wound, I'm currently bleeding on my current I keep on saying current partner or my partner currently, and I've had to kind of bite my tongue a few times because I'm like, I feel really upset and really angry. I don't know how to express it, but I basically want to tell him to just not ever be around women. But that's not healthy. I'm not going to do that doesn't mean, I'm a bad person for having those thoughts and feelings. I just need to work out where it comes from, right and how to expose myself to that feeling and know that I'm not going to die and lean into that trust.

00:09:35
Speaker 1: Well, that's what a trigger is. A trigger when people are feeling triggered by something, is because it's bringing you back to a moment that you were your most vulnerable, you're most hurt, and even though that's not the situation with your boyfriend, now, you cannot help the trauma that your ex created. Yeah, is that something you work through with your therapist?

00:10:00
Speaker 2: Yeah, it is. It's something that I'm almost like too fixated on and hyper aware about now. Okay, because my ex I didn't really see any red red flags. I was blinded. Now I'm like, oh shit, I'm exposed to red flags that I didn't even know were red flags. And now I'm like hyper fixating on is my boyfriend gaslight in me? Right now? I need to ask CHATGBT if this is a red flag, because I don't want to ignore it just in case I get hurt again like I did in my last relationship.

00:10:27
Speaker 1: Do you feel in your last relationship you ignored your gut, so now you don't trust yourself.

00:10:32
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, massively.

00:10:35
Speaker 1: That's completely relatable. I think any woman who has been in a serious relationship that ended could say there were many times that they ignored their gut. Is this the relationship where you had random strangers on the street trying to get you out of this relationship?

00:10:50
Speaker 2: Yeah?

00:10:51
Speaker 1: Do you feel comfortable talking about Yeah?

00:10:53
Speaker 2: Yeah?

00:10:53
Speaker 1: How long were you guys, Like, how did it start and what was it like when it ended.

00:10:59
Speaker 2: I've known him for fifteen years. He was one of my brother's friends. It was surface level. He was always in a relationship, and he was a little bit older than me, so it wasn't really like we were going to ever get together. And I met him again fresh out of a breakup. I was in America for a few months, come home see him, went to a barbecue together, and we kind of just jumped straight into it. We were going on dates every day. We were spending like hours and hours and hours together. He was staying at my family home, and then within four months of us being together, I moved us into a home because we were like, let's just do it, like, I love you, this is great. I've known you forever. I know who you are, and that honestly, you don't know who someone is just because you've known them for fifteen years. I didn't know what he was like in a relationship. I didn't know need of how he was going to be as a boyfriend.

00:11:55
Speaker 1: Yeah, well once you add intimacy, different.

00:11:57
Speaker 2: Completely different, Yeah, completely different. So it was great. There was a few things that I was like, okay, I mean I can communicate with him about this, Like he was very quick to anger. He would internalize a lot of his emotions and then he would like have an outburst. And these outbursts would happen not very much in the beginning because it was all like rainbows and sunshine. And then he started to feel the guilt. I know for a fact, because I was paying for everything, the rent, the food, his clothes, on his back. I took him away on his thirtieth birthday to Thailand, Australia. Like, but I loved that. I was like, okay, like I can be in my masculine sometimes. I love you. We can make this work as long as you're working towards like having a stable career, which he said that he was wanting to do. And it just it kind of he was just leaching off of me, and he was just comfortable with me. And I think it reached a point where other people started to notice that he was just with me because it was comfortable, and he wasn't able to give me that love because he didn't have that self love himself, Like he hated who he was as a person. And I was constantly trying to see tell him like, oh, no, you're actually a really good person. Just love yourself. You can't teach someone how to love themselves, you know. And because of my life in the industry, at first, I thought, I've been on TV a bunch, he knows me from before TV. This is going to be great. Like he's not going to be with me for the money or the fame, because like I knew him way before then, right, So when we got into the relationship, he started to see a different side of me. He was coming to podcasts. I flew him out to America where I filmed my show that I hosted with Netflix. He met the production he was in the green room, like he was living a life that was like lavish, right, you know, And I thought, maybe that will make him love me more because of these outbursts. They would get more and more and more. It wasn't like jealousy. He wouldn't try and control me. He just couldn't control himself. Oh, he didn't have the narcissist tendencies to be like, you can't do this, I'm gonna gaslight you, I'm gonna manipulate you. He didn't try to isolate you, no, Okay, if anything, it was just he wanted to do whatever he wanted to do in the relationship. But I would isolate myself because of how shitty I felt being in the relationship. If he smashed up the house, I wouldn't want my family coming around because they'd ask questions, you know. So he didn't force me to isolate myself, but he would put me in situations where I had to and I had no choice but to isolate myself. Right. But the incident you just spoke about so towards the end, it was very toxic. I should have left, But I don't guilt myself anymore and think to myself, I caused my own pain because I didn't leave. I felt like I needed to stay in that relationship to run its full course for me to fully come to the realization understanding that this is something and someone I do not want, I do not deserve this. I am completely in love with myself and I need to love myself more than him because I'm allowing him to treat me a certain way. He cheated on me multiple times, and every time I would bring it up to him, it was like I was the one apologizing.

00:15:21
Speaker 1: Oh he flipped it back, Yeah, to make you think that you were the cause of his indiscretions.

00:15:26
Speaker 2: And that was a massive red flag. But I just didn't see it.

00:15:29
Speaker 1: But you were also very very young. I mean you're you're still young, but the early twenties, you're a baby, yeah, and you think that love is something that it's just not. And when he would have these outbursts, was he like verbally.

00:15:50
Speaker 2: Abusive, Oh yeah, physical, all of the above, all of it, all of the above. That that incident that you just brought up. We were with an agent, see that I just signed with. It was an out inn. Every time he would drink, he would get like aggressive towards other people or to me, And I said to him, can you please not drink? I need you to be sober. This is a work thing. I don't want you to embarrass me. He came. He was four cans deep in the bus uber ride on the way there. So I'm like, great, now, I can't turn you background because you've already started drinking and I'm going to be late. We're mixing a mingling with everyone, and he was like off, floating about, and my nervous system is telling me like, okay, he's going to kick off. I just know it. So I'm already feeling uneasy. Yeah, constantly scanning is he over there, is he arguing with someone? Is he fighting someone? And then he comes up to me like, why are you so anxious? What's wrong with you? How do I tell someone I'm just waiting for you to fuck up because I know it's coming.

00:16:48
Speaker 1: Well, you can't, you can't. He's deeply You said what a trigger like you saying that is what it's going to pop shit off?

00:16:55
Speaker 2: Exactly? So I would ignore it, pretend to be okay, fake the confidence. No one else knew what I was going through. I was internalizing all of it. And then he couldn't get into a club because they told him he was too drunk.

00:17:06
Speaker 1: What Yeah, and you can't get into a nake club during the day during the day during the day, it was a rooftop bar.

00:17:12
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, God, he grabbed me, he shoved me. He was shouting at me like it was my fault. And then the security guard actually said to him, I'm not allowing you in. You're actually banned because of the way that you've just spoke to your girlfriend. Wow. And because someone else called him out on his own behavior towards me, he ran off for forty five minutes.

00:17:34
Speaker 1: Oh your little pussy.

00:17:35
Speaker 2: So I'm calling him, where are you. He's shouting down the phone at me like it's my fault. So now I'm having to apologize for the way I've behaved to him. For him to even come back what like the most exaggerated version of an avoidant. And I'm an anxious attachment So I'm like, this, just this balance isn't gonna work, babe. So I'm like, I've just pushed myself into understanding attachment styles and understanding my self worth and now I'll never be with an avoidant. No. Yeah, that's I.

00:18:04
Speaker 1: Think incredible that at the age of twenty six, you know that.

00:18:08
Speaker 2: And I try and preach to everyone. I'm like, if anyone is listening, please don't listen to them self help books. Just read up on anxious attachments, secure attachments.

00:18:17
Speaker 1: Yeah, I need to research that.

00:18:19
Speaker 2: I've been asking chatibt for years. You have a year help me.

00:18:25
Speaker 1: Was that something that your therapist raised? Was she like you need to look into this, oh, talk about it? Or this was well before the therapy. This is before the therapist. Yeah, I got into therapy because of him. Wow, okay, silver lining.

00:18:37
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm so grateful.

00:18:40
Speaker 1: So then you're looking at engagement rings and he left you in Thailand?

00:18:43
Speaker 2: M hmm, yeah, what the fuck?

00:18:45
Speaker 1: I know I would never leave you in Thailand ever.

00:18:49
Speaker 2: Thank you? Do you want to go to Thailand? We should go to Thailand.

00:18:58
Speaker 1: How long after this breakup did you land on too hard to handle?

00:19:05
Speaker 2: Oh Jesus, I mean so too hot to handle was when I was nineteen, So it was before. It was before this guy. Too hot to handle was before this guy. This guy was like last year, babe.

00:19:22
Speaker 1: I know.

00:19:24
Speaker 2: That is so recent, so recent?

00:19:26
Speaker 1: Okay, can I ask you a question?

00:19:28
Speaker 2: Ask it.

00:19:29
Speaker 1: This is an almost thirty five year old asking a twenty six year old. How do you know that you have not healed enough to be in another relationship already?

00:19:37
Speaker 2: I asked myself that a thousand times over.

00:19:39
Speaker 1: And that's no judgment, that's just a real question. Curious.

00:19:44
Speaker 2: I was so scared to get into Anopp relationship because I knew that I would put him in positions he didn't need to be in. Okay, Like, why do you want to look through my phone? Oh, because my ex cheated on me? Bullshit, that's not that's not a good enough excuse. Like, you need to heal yourself, work through whatever trauma is EXS put you through. But when I spoke to my therapist, she said to me, have three months on your own, be with friends, be with family, cry, scream, go through all of the grief stages, anger, upset, denial, and then once you've reached the end of that three months, sit down and write down why you love yourself and then work through self love. And that's what I'm continuously doing even to this day. So she said to me, you can actually heal whilst you're in another relationship. But only it's so controversial, controversial because I honestly can't even believe that I'm in another relationship right now, Like I thought I would be single for another two years because of all the stuff my ex put you through. But having a partner that's healthy, that communicates with me. I've never seen my boyfriend angry like he deals with anger in so many different ways. He doesn't need to check a table or grab me or shout in my face. He doesn't trigger that in me. He is very much like, Okay, well let's speak about it. Wow.

00:21:04
Speaker 1: Communication, And I'm like, oh my god, sounds so simple. I always say. I'm like, every time you think about anything going south, it always comes down to one of the most simple words, communication, Yet it is so complex for any of us to implement into any relationship.

00:21:23
Speaker 2: One hundred percent. Yeah. I think Also, one thing that helped with anyone that may have just got out of a toxic relationship was wanting to get into another, not another toxic relationship, but another relationship, is understanding what gas lighting is. Understanding what manipulation is in the different forms it can come in your core values, your core beliefs, moral compass. Like having a greater understanding of that is so like. Okay, So if I'm in a conversation as someone's trying to manipulate me, I get that feeling of them, this doesn't feel right, And then I can talk to my therapist about it. I feel like that's how I'm able to heal whilst being in this new relationship.

00:22:05
Speaker 1: Right.

00:22:05
Speaker 2: Yeah.

00:22:05
Speaker 1: What's the age difference between you and your current your boyfriend?

00:22:10
Speaker 2: Why? I don't know, because it's a trend on TikTok. I'm like my current boyfriend, my boyfriend, he's that three.

00:22:17
Speaker 1: Okay, so he's in his thirties.

00:22:19
Speaker 2: Got his shit together.

00:22:20
Speaker 1: We were talking about this earlier. There's just something about when someone hits their thirties, specifically women, because you just come into your own And I feel like the Kim Kardashians and Gwen Stefani's and Jalo's of the world have made even Pamela Anderson, they've made age something that we should not be afraid of, like it used to be, like I'm gonna be thirty. I've been watching Sex in the City and they talk about even friends, they talk about, oh my gosh, I'm going to be thirty, and it's like this scary, like big number that no one wants to hit. Yeah, and I don't feel like it's that way anymore. Did you?

00:23:05
Speaker 2: Was you nervous before you tenth thay? Like, what was that like combedn't I I was not.

00:23:10
Speaker 1: I didn't even think about it, and I think about it, and I'm such a thinker. I don't know why I didn't think about it.

00:23:14
Speaker 2: I love that.

00:23:15
Speaker 1: I Also, I was pregnant and gave birth at thirty, so I don't think I was fixated on the fact that I was getting older. I was more fixated on the fact that I was like growing a person inside of me.

00:23:28
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, and.

00:23:29
Speaker 1: Then you have to push it out, and you got to push it out, and you got to do the whole thing and then you have to be responsible for it for the rest of its life. And it's just you're not focused on the fact you're turning third you know, You're like.

00:23:39
Speaker 2: Oh, I have to ray y'all need to just have a vibee.

00:23:41
Speaker 1: No, don't do that.

00:23:42
Speaker 2: Shall just have a vibe.

00:23:43
Speaker 1: Even thirty though, was very young. Like I look back and that relationship ended, and I'm like, Okay, if if we were to redo this, I wouldn't redo it, because my my four year old is magical. Yeah, but I'm like women who think that we obviously have the biological clock happening. Let's just say we live in a perfect world. And that's not a thing. Thirty is very young. I would not advise anybody to have a child at thirty. Yeah, I would say, wait a minute, because you become an entirely new person, like get reacquainted with the person that you will now be, and then bring the baby into the mix. That's what I would say. Yeah, now that you asked me for my advice.

00:24:24
Speaker 2: No, but I wanted your advice. I think that's something that we all need to hear because the biological clock is such a thing and I don't know what it is, but like, if I'm just being vulnerable for a minute, I've felt such a shift in my energy and my emotional intelligence and my maturity in a way that's like good for me. I'm like, okay, I can have like an adult conversation, pay my taxes whatever, Da da da da da. But then a part of me mourns that version of me that had no cares, no responsibilities, like going out with my friends, having a three day are waking up at six pm, and now I can't do that, and it's like, oh, I've changed so much. I think that's why I have that fear, not necessarily because of the number thirty but it's because it's that dread of if I'm not where I'm supposed to be by that age, does that mean I've failed? And I don't think that's true. I just think that's the pressure I'm putting on my own head that I feel like everyone does, whether that age is thirty, forty fifty, twenty twenty five. I feel like I've evolved so much, and like you have to like being a mom, your podcasts evolved so much through different stages, like you said, like rolling with the punches.

00:25:43
Speaker 1: That's what I've and as a vir girl that does not like I don't like the wind to blow away, that I'm not planning. I don't like to not have control. And once you well, once I had kids, it was like, oh, I'm realizing how little control I have over everything in life. And I'm wondering if that if you've always been that way, or if when you enter too hot to handle, because then you're in the public eye and you can kind of take that. There's two directions you can go. There's people that enter reality TV or whatever it may be, the public eye and they're either there for that moment and then they go back to normal life or they really take the opportunity by the balls and they catapult it and parlay it into something different. Do you feel like you were born that way of always striving for more and wanting more, or once you got a taste of the opportunities that too hot to Handle brought to you, was say like, oh I want I'm here to take over the entire house, like the door has been opened.

00:26:52
Speaker 2: I was way too young, Domin Knive, so we even have that thought, any of those thoughts. I think when I got the show Taught to Hand or I was nineteen years old, I was there for a laugh. I thought, probably won't find love. I'm just here for a good time. Yeah. And then the confidence I got from the fans' reactions of me being on screens, being authentically myself and just being weird, funny and full of ADHD, I was like, oh, I am enough. And then like having people constantly message me every day like you've helped me tell my boyfriend that this is toxic and I've left my boyfriend and I'm like, oh shit. My purpose is to speak and be vulnerable about shit that's going on in my life to help other people go through theirs. And I feel like I'm the type of person to always want, Like I'm always like, what's next, what's the next thing? I want to do something else. But I also because I have ADHD pour myself in so many different directions that sometimes I just paralyze and I'm like, Oh, I don't want to do anything, or I have so much to do, I just don't want to start. Yeah, you know, and then that feeds into my insecurities of not being enough my self, limiting beliefs. Some of my friends in the same industry that started on the same show as me at driving Lamborghinis, they have millions in the bank, they have multiple businesses. I'm not there. That means I've failed. So it's like realizing an age of whatever age you're at, that everyone is always going to be on a different path. You just got to be always driving to be the best version of yourself and being happy with what you have. Someone actually sent me a voice note the other day because when the radio show launched with Unwell and Serious XM, I didn't celebrate it. I was like, oh, it's a small win. One of my friends went, you fucking joke it.

00:28:40
Speaker 1: I feel like you and I are the same person right now.

00:28:42
Speaker 2: Yeah.

00:28:43
Speaker 1: Sorry, everything you're saying is hitting very close literally. Okay, So you didn't feel like you could celebrate it because you felt like it was a small win because.

00:28:51
Speaker 2: In our industry, it's a small win. It's like, oh, she has a podcast, whereas to someone that kind of goes to work, goes home wants to listen to that podcast, it's like that's a big win for them. It's like, I wish I could have my own bookcast. My friend said to me, she said, you are in an industry where you could have everything and still not be enough. So you need to know that you are enough and then everything else will fall into place, and then you'll feel validated in that, you know.

00:29:19
Speaker 1: Yeah, No, you're speaking so true to me and I know many other people because I constantly am feeling when I feel at peace or content, I go, we've gotten lazy. Look at what this person's doing. Look you're what that person is doing. This is a small win. Yeah, And I will beat myself up until I have exhausted, Like I will go to bed at night with a splitting headache and I'm like I have kaoed myself. Yeah, to the point of just like bruised, beaten, battered, and how did we get here? And the other the other day when I had a acknowledged you get bitter, you get jealous, you take some people's success as a personal attack, has nothing to do with you. I was sitting here thinking about all of the things that I've wanted in the past two years, and my biggest thing was I wanted to bring another baby into the world. I don't know if you know this. I had a really toxic relationship that my daughter, Ocean, came out of she's four. Because I was so just traumatized by that whole situation, I ended up getting a sperm donor for my second baby because I knew I wanted more kids.

00:30:32
Speaker 2: Oh my good love.

00:30:33
Speaker 1: Yeah, so she's ten months old. Oh congratulations, thanks.

00:30:37
Speaker 2: Oh that's beautiful, thank you.

00:30:39
Speaker 1: So that was like a whole thing, right, I'm like, Okay, I need to pick the donor, and you know, health wise, we have to work well together, but also like I'm bringing a member into the family and I just need to make sure like, yeah, she's already going to have a lot of people ask her questions. How do I make her life less difficult?

00:30:56
Speaker 2: Right?

00:30:57
Speaker 1: And I just said I want to pour my heart and soul into just being the best mom, and I want to be available for every single moment. And then I start having moments of jealousy, right, And I literally had to sit down and like feel the ground and go, why are we jealous? Talk myself through it. I was literally having a conversation with myself that's that do it no, totally asking myself questions aloud and answering them aloud like a psychopath.

00:31:24
Speaker 2: Uh huh.

00:31:26
Speaker 1: And then I thought about all of the things that I have wanted and craved and what makes me feel peaceful and whole, and it always comes back to my two kids. Right. I'll be able to build brands, I'll be able to record a podcast. What I'll never be able to do is get that moment back where I was so fucked up on being jealous and in my own head that I missed my daughter doing something amazing, right, Because those moments are so fleeting, and it doesn't even have to go back to kids. You having a beautiful, romantic dinner with your boyfriend. You'll never get that moment back. You will never get the moment back of someone saying to you, we're giving you your own show on the Unwell Network. That's never going to happen age. So if we don't celebrate the win in the moment, it's gone.

00:32:17
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's enough to.

00:32:19
Speaker 1: Bring you to your knees too.

00:32:21
Speaker 2: I'm on my knees. It brought me to my knees right now. I'm like, okay, I'm present.

00:32:28
Speaker 1: So did you ever end up celebrating or did your friend saying that resonate?

00:32:35
Speaker 2: It was kind of too late for me to celebrate because it was already like eight pm on the night that I launched. But I took a moment for gratitude. I think that's okay to me. That would be a celebratory moment of gratitude to just recognize what I've done. And I think, like, even with you, like you've been through so much to be where you are today, sometimes we don't even need a win, look back and reflect, Oh fuck, yeah, have birth to babies, babe. Yeah, Like you look gorgeous, thank you look a day over twenty five. I love that A style of Madonna style icon. I fucking love like, Honestly, sometimes we are more than enough.

00:33:18
Speaker 1: I feel like women battle this more than men. I just don't see men sitting here being like I'm not enough.

00:33:26
Speaker 2: Yeah. I it's funny because Sam.

00:33:31
Speaker 1: I think that women have such a this internal battle that is so complex, and we're all looking for the answers to why we deal with things in a certain way. And I don't know if you're ever able to conquer it unless you just you gain years, right, and then you can look at someone who's younger than you and say, I know what you're feeling. Shake it off. But then cut you're in your fifties or whatever, and it's a whole new set of insecurities and problems.

00:34:03
Speaker 2: Yeah, now my back's now. I need a new hip, right, I can't walk in heels anymore. Oh my god, I don't even want to think about it.

00:34:12
Speaker 1: It's scary.

00:34:13
Speaker 2: Yeah. I think the lesson is embracing who you are, no matter how long I'm far you are down the road. So like me, I was mourning a person that I was before I got responsibilities. Yeah, you were just talking about mourning the person you were before you had a child and become a mother. But it's like we have to disembrace it and roll with the punches.

00:34:33
Speaker 1: Roll with the punches.

00:34:34
Speaker 2: Sometimes they're not punches they're kisses.

00:34:36
Speaker 1: Oh I love that too.

00:34:38
Speaker 2: It's like an hyper pie a quote.

00:34:42
Speaker 1: So I call my family my pod because we're like orcas. Like I bought a house when my relationship went south with my eggs. My mom moved out, and then I moved my brother in, and now we all live together and we're like raising these kids as a family. And I'm like love that. It's like a very beautiful situation in structure that we've created, right, and it's not gonna last forever. You know, my brother's going to find a person. I will one day find my partner, but for now, like it's great. Do you have like your little circle of people? I mean at twenty six, I well, at twenty six, I was a drunk, full transparency. We're approaching seven years of sobriety one day at a tengratulation. But thank you. And I wonder, because you've been in this for so long and because you experienced such a toxic relationship at such a young age, did you learn to keep your circle tight?

00:35:37
Speaker 2: No? No, no, I feel like it's been hard for me because I've tried to be cautious about who I'm friends with, who I'm letting into my circle. But I'm such an energy person. I think if you have a good vibe, I will allow you in my life completely and fully until you prove me otherwise, okay. Which is an extensive version of like a friend group. I have friends, friends of friends, friends of family friends. Everyone has access to me, and I feel like that's one thing that I'm working on in therapy to kind of limit that access to a certain degree. Yeah, so I get drained a lot. It's like, oh shit, okay, oh so.

00:36:15
Speaker 1: Energy drains you, Like I When I'm around a lot of people, I feel like I have an interaction hangover. Yeah, where like I need to retreat and like be by myself. Is that what happens to you?

00:36:30
Speaker 2: Definitely? I was actually sober for two and a half years. Wow, I was a friend of Bill as well. Really yeah, I love of time And it was the moment, like I learned so much about myself in those two and a half years of sobriety and I feel like I completely shifted. And I looked at myself. I was how old was I? I think I was twenty Okay, Yeah, I looked at all my previous friends in the circles I was in and it was just like people that I didn't really want or should have around me. It was very much like bloodsucking creatures. And now I have like a smaller friend group. Well was something that actually happened quite recently. I am a few months ago. If I'm being completely honest, I had really really, really really low dip. I felt really.

00:37:21
Speaker 1: Low.

00:37:21
Speaker 2: I didn't want to be here. It was like, okay, I've had enough. So I rang one of my friends. Actually, no, I rang my therapist and I said, I'm having these thoughts. I'm really worried, but like I'm almost kind of at peace with it. It's weird, like it's scary when you have those thoughts because you don't necessarily want to fight against them. It's almost like you just want to give in to them. It's the best way I can describe it. And she said, okay, that's fine, Like, thank you for being honest with me. Let's who do you feel safe around. And I'm like, I mean, I don't really feel anything right now. I'm feeling numb. She said, well, let me call your friend Brian. I'm like, okay, So she called Brian, who's one of my best friends. I met him one perfect match. He was one of the producers. Okay, and it was really scary because I'm away from home. I only moved to LA about a year ago. It's taken me a while. Like I don't even feel fully settled in right now. Like, so my friendship group is so sporadic. I'm still learning people. He came to my house and oh, I'm getting emotional. He came to my house and he held me like a baby, and it was one of the only times that I'd drank since been sober, and all those thoughts come back to me. So I haven't spoken about this publicly yet, but I went back to drinking after being sober, and I feel like, because oh my god, I'm so sorry not I.

00:38:42
Speaker 1: Wish I wouldn't have thrown those things the way. Can we get her a tissue please, I can dub it. Are you okay? Yeah, Well you're in such a safe space. Oh I love that.

00:38:51
Speaker 2: Thank you. I feel like because I like announced to the world that I was sober in sobriety, and I still get messages to this day like you've helped me go to AA and like find myself. And my daughter is so thankful that her Mum's now sober. I've been carrying these guilt of like I'm not sober anymore. You know, I felt like a fraud because I feel like, oh God, if I tell people that I've drank or that I've gone back to drinking, what if I'm putting other people's lives at risk? Like what if they idolize me for being sober? And then if I say I'm back drinking, they go, right, I'm going to drink now because Chloe's drinking, Like I feel like, because I'm a person of influence, I I don't want to feel that guilt and that pressure. You know, there's a lot of pressure. But again, oh thank you such a cry baby.

00:39:56
Speaker 1: But you're in good company with that.

00:39:58
Speaker 2: Yeah. One of the the moments that I knew that my friend Brian loved me, And so anyone out there listening, it's so important to just let your guard down when you need to, because if I'd have kept quiet, I wouldn't have had such an enlightenment on how much my friend Brian loves me. So he cradled me like a baby. He took me to the doctors. I got the help that I needed. I spoke to professionals. And then I came back home and I was like, I can't go home because my bedroom's a mess, and he said, no, I got a cleaner to clean your bedroom for you. Do you want me to come and stay around yours until you feel better? So it's like he was there for me. He doesn't just love me because I'm funny. He doesn't just love me because I dress nice when I go out and he looks good next to me, and I look good next to him. I could be at my lowest of loves and he'd still be there for me. And I carried so much shame for having all these emotions, and it actually might describe stronger. It's like I could trust you with my life. Yeah, Like that's a friend. So I answer to your question, I've only probably got one or two friends that I hold closer to me.

00:41:14
Speaker 1: I love everything that just happened just now, and I'm so happy that you have, Brian. I don't want you to feel the weight of other people's sobriety or addiction. I don't want that is not your story, And it's easier said than done because I've had those moments too where I'm like I anything that is forever can become very daunting and paralyzing, and there are moments when I think about, like I can never have another drink again. I start having anxiety because it's a forever, yeah, And that's why I'm like, okay, just one day at a time. But I also have those moments of if I were to do this, I would let other people down. And me saying to you is what I'm saying is also me trying to practice what I preach. Not that I'm going to go out and drink, but I just don't want you to feel like that is your responsibility, because it isn't. There's so many other things that you've offered just on this forty two minutes of a podcast that I know that I'm going to carry very closely, and I know other people are going to do the exact same And you're just so wise for a twenty six year old, Like I was not like you at all at twenty six, And we do and it's just a part of our story. And I've learned in this life that we're all just doing the best that we can. And it's such a it's such a funky time because we're all doing the best we can, but no one's trying to help anyone out right. The internet's gotten vile. Yeah, everyone's up in arms about just the state of everything. And that's just one one pressure that you should take off of yourself. Yeah, you know, definitely, not that that would carry any weight, but as someone who's sober, I'm telling you, like, please don't carry that with you. Thank you, You're very welcome.

00:43:26
Speaker 2: The first time I've actually said it out loud, I feel kind of good. Yeah, this was amazing good. That's me practicing what I preach. I'm like, I'm preaching people to be vulnerable. There you go, there's my It's very hard.

00:43:39
Speaker 1: It's very hard to be vulnerable. And and once we are going back to the me admitting my jealousy issues, I'm like, at the moment, it was very suffocating. Yeah, And I'm like, but for some reason, I feel like I've just come out as like an addict all over again. Right, Yeah, I'm like, oh the elephant. Okay, we're living in our truth and the only way to get a handle and implement tools YEP is admitting is always the first step with any grassing yourself up right exactly, So what is your show on a happier, fun, exciting note. Your show on the Unwell Network, tell us what it's called the radio show? It was supposed to be a podcast.

00:44:25
Speaker 2: No, I wanted to. I wanted to go into the podcast well okay, Alex Cooper and them. But then she's just done a massive deal with Serious XM, and I was like, I want to be the first ogs to have a radio show. Another thing under my belt. I've just hosted my first epishow, Sneaky Links, that's out on Netflix right now. It's all so exciting. Oh my gosh, it's crazy. I definitely celebrated that whim good for going out for dinner. Yes, but it's called Big Sister with Chloe Beach, and it's a space in which we talk about reality TV, my opinions on it, and also just giving people advice. Basically what we have just spoken about, okay, is like every Friday Live at twelve pmst Ah. I love it. I call my friends. I'm like, babe, I need some advice. My boyfriend's been busing me off. What should I do? So it's very much fun, emotional, vulnerable. It's got that shock factor.

00:45:21
Speaker 1: Do people write in, Yeah, they call in.

00:45:24
Speaker 2: Oh, they call call in.

00:45:25
Speaker 1: You've got the personal connection going, yeah, And do you stick to one topic each Friday or is it kind of all all over the place like a tangent.

00:45:35
Speaker 2: Whatever's happening that week? Okay, Yeah, we have segments. We've got de Lulu is not the Slulu. It's where I basically say something that's been going on in my life that I've been delusional about. Okay, and I kind of go into the solution. And then we have a segment where someone calls in. I give them advice, and I call my friend, they give me advice, and then we just talk about the a reality show that's been viral, Like we spoke about Love Island.

00:46:00
Speaker 1: So my brother has been watching Love Island. I've never watched Love Island. I watched like a couple episodes of season two because I thought that this one guy was super hot and I d M him and the can we believe it? His name again? It was season two. His name was oh dear like tall. Yes, this covered season season two, so they're on season seven, so this was like, but I had just started watching season two because I'm like, this guy's hot. And then he had in his bio that he was on Love Island. But he responded to my DM right off the bat as, are you trying to get your back blown out?

00:46:42
Speaker 2: Wha? I was like, oh yeah.

00:46:48
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, I'll catch you when I land.

00:46:51
Speaker 2: Give me three to five business marchandised to figure out.

00:46:55
Speaker 1: But I was like, wow, like how confident?

00:46:58
Speaker 2: What did you say? What was your first message?

00:47:01
Speaker 1: Well, I have no game anymore, so my first message to him was the chef's kiss emoji?

00:47:06
Speaker 2: Okay?

00:47:07
Speaker 1: And then hero, are you trying to get your bag blown out?

00:47:10
Speaker 2: Which is vile?

00:47:11
Speaker 1: It's a lot where will be gone?

00:47:13
Speaker 2: I'm sorry it's gone.

00:47:15
Speaker 1: Does your man have any friends? Any good ones? He's too busy right?

00:47:21
Speaker 2: Yeah? I mean I wouldn't well hit me in mind. Please show me the radio this Friday reckon Advice.

00:47:32
Speaker 1: I love this so much. My last question is how do you know if someone is the one.

00:47:43
Speaker 2: For me personally?

00:47:44
Speaker 1: Right now?

00:47:46
Speaker 2: I can see the growth after every conversation. Okay, I can feel my nervous system get quiet and quie. I can feel physically my body's reaction to stress and lesson and it's like a dance. You know, it's not it's going to be perfect. Sometimes you'll piss me off. I'll piss it. Yeah, it's you just feel.

00:48:09
Speaker 1: It, you feel it. I love what you said about the conversations because it sounds to me what I gathered is that you know someone is going to be the one. I mean, none of us have a crystal ball and we don't know what the future holds, but evolving together.

00:48:26
Speaker 2: And I think also trusting in yourself because you can have that feeling that they're the one, right, but like, don't be an idiot. You know, there's like intuition and gut feelings and then like reality, yeah, red flags and all the other bullshit and smoke and mirrors. So I don't believe in love at first sight or someone definitely being the one because my parents were married and now they're no longer. Yeah, So I think you just gotta trust your gut, trust it instincts, and just communicate. Yeah, and having great set. That's very fan. I'm sorry, thank you for the rest of my life. Thank you very much. That's one. There, it is, you're the one. You're the one.

00:49:12
Speaker 1: I've done enough charity fucking for the rest of my life. Oh my god, for shre Yeah no more. All right, I'm over it. Where can people find you? Follow you, watch you on TV, give me all the Tea Oh No So shows.

00:49:24
Speaker 2: I'm klobbe Bach and you can watch my newish show Sneak Links on Netflix premiere in It's out now, and then my radio show is live every Friday on a serious XM channel seven eight six.

00:49:37
Speaker 1: This is so exciting. I'm celebrating for you. Thank you, congratulations on all of your massive wins. Thank you for being on my podcast, my love. Thank you for listening to another episode of the Give Them a La Podcast. I'm going to catch you guys on Monday for the bonus and again next Wednesday.

00:49:53
Speaker 2: Bye,