Alyssa Shelasky on Sperm Donors, Sex Diaries & Staying Single

00:00:06
Speaker 1: Hello, gorgeous, Welcome back to the Get Them Lalla Podcast. I am so excited for today's guest. Her name is Alyssa Silaski, aka the real life Carrie Bradshaw. We are going to dive in to her amazing modern day life and talk about her book This might be Too personal and other intimate stories which came out April fifth. You guys have to get it. So let's just get it popping. We have Alyssa Shilaski. All Right, you guys, I am about ready to have a heyday with Alissa Shlaski, the real life Carrie Bradshaw. Oh my gosh, I'm so excited.

00:00:48
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm gonna take it. Let's go with it. But I don't know if it's like I don't think they based the show. They did not base the show on me like that. My took of the column seven years ago, Sex Diaries for New York Magazine, where I profile a different New Yorker's love and sex life every single week of the year. But the show came before the column.

00:01:09
Speaker 1: Okay, so other But I mean, I'm Marie, I've read your bio and all of us outsiders. I know that the show came before, but we're all pegging you as the real life Carrie Bradshaw.

00:01:23
Speaker 2: I mean, I love it. It's been a life even like when I was a I don't know, twenties, in my twenties in New York twenty two. So I moved to New York when I was eighteen. I was always doing this and I was always talking about love and sex and writing about love and sex and keeping it real. And then the show came out and everybody was just like, how did they know about you? And how did you inspire this character? And it's like I didn't. I really can't take credit for it. It was based on Candice Bush, now another you know, another New York writer, but I've just lived this parallel life with that, with that character for so long that at this point it seems to be sort of like conflated. So I mean, there are worse things. I love it, and I love it for you, Parker. I know, the few times I've met her interviewed her, I always want to be like, you know, like I'm you and you're me, and we're and I and you're Carrie and I'm caring, and then I just don't say anything because it's just too weird. And she's such a lovely she's such a classy person that you just don't want to be like remotely, you know, too gross or like aggressive in any way.

00:02:31
Speaker 1: So I'm not intimidated by many people, but if I were to run into her, that would be I would be immediately intimidated.

00:02:40
Speaker 2: You wouldn't, though. I think it's like when somebody meets you, like there is something disarming about you and something I mean, I'm just meaning you for the first time, but I've certainly followed you. I it's surreal to be talking to you. She's very warm and yeah she's beautiful and you know, teeny and chic as hell, but she's so warm and so cool, and she's like the type of person who wants to know about you and rather than make it about her. I don't know. I think that you would not you would be thrilled. But I think in a second, you guys are probably I mean, I'm talking about it her like she's my best friend. Yeah, you're like literally twice, but I think you share a spirit. Oh my god, Laala, I love you. I have so there's so much I've wanted to say to you. Throughout the years.

00:03:24
Speaker 1: Oh, I love that.

00:03:26
Speaker 2: I really am a big fan of a big Bravo fan, and I've been loyal to you since like your first appearance on Vander Pomphlick before it was cool to like be obsessed with you. Do you know what I mean?

00:03:40
Speaker 1: You you were when it was an unpopular opinion. You were still down for La La. I love that.

00:03:48
Speaker 2: I knew it. I knew it, I knew you were magical, and I knew you'd have your moment. It didn't take long for the rest of the world to catch on. But no, I love you. I hated seeing you, well, you look so good in the at the reunion, but I hated seeing you in pain. And I'm so proud of your sobriety and fuck anybody who came for you at every I'm very fierce. I have two young kids and I'm a mama bear, and totally we don't have to talk about it. But like anybody who thought that, like you deserve what happened to you because of the circumstances, so fucking heartless, you know.

00:04:20
Speaker 1: What, in that moment, I'm glad I wasn't actually physically at the reunion because the side comments I wasn't able to hear because I was via zoom and you know, so I watched myself and I was like, damn, I was so poised during those moments, but I can't take credit because I didn't hear what was going on on the side.

00:04:41
Speaker 2: That's amazing, although I will say that's what I love about you. It's not your darkness, it's your lightness, like it's your grace. Honestly, thank you.

00:04:49
Speaker 1: I so appreciate you saying that.

00:04:51
Speaker 2: I mean, it's just such bullshit that anybody would come for you on that show, as if they're all such purists.

00:04:56
Speaker 1: I know, you know what though, I'm a tough bitch. Yeah, And I know so that you can relate to that because your resume is insane and it's not easy to get where you are. And I'm definitely inspired. That's the word of this entire When I, you know, revamped the Give Them La La podcast, it was like, I want people on who inspire me in some way. Let's talk about this, Okay. I have a baby, obviously, and I know that I would like another one, and I would like it in a certain time period. If I don't meet somebody, I'm absolutely getting a sperm donor.

00:05:35
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, you're ready for it. You're made for it.

00:05:37
Speaker 1: Made for it. So you've been there, you've been there, let's talk about it. What is going through that process?

00:05:46
Speaker 2: Like, well, it takes obviously a tough bitch like we are, somebody who does not care, you know, it has such a strong sense of self and a strong village and a strong foundation. It really doesn't matter what anybody's going to say. It's really a tough decision to make. If you're going to worry that people are going to gossip or feel bad for you, like you, you really have to be above all that, which like you're already there. I was definitely already there, you know, I don't beyond that. It doesn't take much more than just like inner strength, okay, a decision that you are ready to be a mother, and then nothing's going to get in your way. For me, I was there. I mean I was thirty eight and I'd wanted to have kids my whole life, so I was more than there. I guess I was thirty seven when I started the process. So I made up my mind. I made up my mind because I met another single mother by choice who was the sexiest, coolest woman I'd ever met in my life, totally, and I didn't have many examples of what a single mother by choice looked like. And I met her and it's it was like, yes, that that that's me. That's who I aspire to be. That's my definition of what it is to be a cool woman in the world like that. And so she she was my mentor, and she said, go to this doctor and this sperm bank and she and she's very successful, she's she's rich and I'm not. And I was like, okay, but let's talk about the reality of it. And honestly, it cost me. I'm very transparent about these things. It cost me ten thousand dollars at the end of the day, which is a lot. It was a lot for me, and it's a lot for a lot of women. But it's not what you might expect, right, Like it's like it's not like you don't need one hundred thousand dollars, you don't need a million dollars. And then the question is can you raise a baby? A lot of people are like, well, how we raise a baby without the you know, the income of a man or whatever. And the truth is like, there's many creative ways to raise a family. There's many vest things in life are phrase sorry for the cliche, but now that you have a baby, you know, it's sitting on a picnic blanket and watching the sunset. You know, it's we live in great cities where there's museums and classes and so anyway, once I was like, yes I can afford this, and yes I'm doing this. That's the hardest part is just to be like I'm in because like anything in life, it's you have to be super responsible and go to your go to the doctors and do fertility and not fuck around and not sort of like question yourself. You gotta have that faith in yourself and like faith in your baby who's not even there yet, but just faith that the two of you will be okay.

00:08:22
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, that sends chills, Like I love that and so and I love that you took me through that aspect of it, of the the emotional part, because actually, when I was thinking about, you know, in a year or two, if I don't have somebody, I will get a sperm donor. I didn't even think about the outside world and what people might say, is that so weird. I didn't even think that.

00:08:48
Speaker 2: I think you've you've exercised that muscle, Like you couldn't do what you do if you weren't already evolved enough to handle that.

00:08:57
Speaker 1: Shit, right. Is it basically like shopping for a baby daddy when you go when you get a sperm donor.

00:09:04
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I had fun with it. I saw all of this as just the like, the greatest thing in the world. I was dying to become a mother, and I figured out a way how. But I think a lot of other people of the sperm donor. Picking the donor really freaks them out. For me, it was just like, oh my god, like do I want my daughter to do? I want my future child to be really tall or really athletic, or brilliant, or speak for languages or like be a great great dancer whenever. There's all these you know, descriptions. So it was fun because it's sort of like looking around a room. You know, you've dated all of these guys and some wanted kids or didn't want kids, or you weren't sure if you want to have a baby with them, and it's like, here's one hundred thousand men who all who like you can have a baby with any of them proctly like assuming God willing, like you're you're healthy and stuff. So yeah, I went for I mean, I'll be very honest, like I went for looks and I went for genetics because I knew that I would make my child kind and funny and smart and spiritual. Like I knew I had all that covered to give somebody like great cheekbones or eyebrows or like creemy skin or whatever. I was like, why not. Life is hard enough, Like let them be tall, like let them have like a really cool, you know, mixed background. So I just had fun. And what I did was I narrowed it down to three different donors, and then I like included my family and we had like a little viewing party and I sort of presented the donors and and we you can hear their voices. You can hear like a Q and A with each donor and we listened.

00:10:48
Speaker 1: So but do you see do you okay? So it wasn't like a Q and A where you guys were like seeing each other. This was just like the sperm donor place what do you call the sperm bank?

00:10:58
Speaker 2: Yeah, yea.

00:10:59
Speaker 1: They conduct in interviews with these uh sperm donors. And then when you decide okay, this one, I like the look of it, and then they send over like their interview process.

00:11:10
Speaker 2: You get a membership, so of course, like you get the highest, like you don't skimp on this, like you get the VIP membership totally, because there's no better money spent. You know you're not going to do like clearance rack sperm, so rack sperm, like you go to the top.

00:11:27
Speaker 1: You go to fucking Bergdorf Sperm.

00:11:29
Speaker 2: Absolutely kind, that's my favorite store. So with the good package, you get the voice recording. So you see baby pictures. In my case, I did not choose a sperm thing where you can see adult pictures. I just didn't want to. I didn't care. I like the fantasy of it all. Like you see pictures, I think age ten and under, so I like sort of just imagining what they grew up to be. And I didn't want to look for this guy like all around America and like have a I'd rather discreet. I call him Vince Vaughan in my book because I love that they also have celebrity look alone, and that was his celebrity lookalike. You gotta go on, it's so fun. I'll get your code.

00:12:04
Speaker 1: I would love to do this. This sounds fucking awesome.

00:12:08
Speaker 2: Like we have the same attitude. I thought it was just fucking awesome. I thought it was fabulous, and we're joking about it and talking about sort of the superficial stuff. But there's also like so much blood work done and so much health which, of course, like you do need to know that part. There's a little bit of a question mark with a sperm donor where it's just like, you know, health history, mental health history, schizophrenia, things that like don't even necessarily show up in blood work. But as much as you can know about pretty much any guy you're going to sleep with or you know, date or make a baby with you, you do know about the sperm donors because of like the high level health info they have to put out there. So it's like once that part's done, they've got all the good health stuff. Yeah, you can have fun with it. You can pick some like Matt Damon sperm or like Ryan Seacres lookalike sperm. There's so many.

00:12:57
Speaker 1: I would pick maybe like a Denzel washing and sperm.

00:13:01
Speaker 2: So that's on. There goes fast. That shit goes fast.

00:13:05
Speaker 1: Oh, I'm sure, yeah, like a Michael B. Jordan, Like if I and I'm sure it goes fast.

00:13:11
Speaker 2: Those would go fast. I definitely thought about, like, that's my type of guy, for sure, And I was even though like I ended up my partner now as like a white boy from Maine, like the opposite. But I sort of always thought like I ended up choosing a donor who looked some somewhat like my family because I, for me personally, I just felt like my kid would. I didn't know what it would be like and if they were he or she or they were faced with a million questions about who's your real dad and the biology of it all. As it turns out, none of that matters, and nobody cares, nobody says anything. But just to protect my kid from having one more question that they had to answer in other words, like why are you black and your mother's white? Or why you know, why do you look Korean and your mother's Jewish, whatever it was, I decided to eliminate one question from their life in case it was something that continued to come up for them here in Brooklyn and where you are in LA and honestly, hopefully more and more everywhere nobody cares. Nobody like gives a shit that Hazel. My partner has now adopted Hazel. He's not her biological father, but he's been with us since she was seven months old. She knows her whole story. It's frankly, it's like boring to her. Do you know what I mean?

00:14:27
Speaker 1: Like, so, how how old is Hazel?

00:14:29
Speaker 2: So she's six? And then Sam and I had a two year have a two year old who, like I had through sex. It's so it's embarrassing because we just like had sex and got pregnant. It's so uninteresting. So it's so retro it's like there's there's no Uh, it's not as modern as I want my brand to be, but I love it. It's a blessing. No, So he's adorable.

00:14:53
Speaker 1: Well the first the first round was very modern day of year totally. Did Hazel have questions or did you just when did you decide to tell her about you know, her backstory?

00:15:05
Speaker 2: So I told her and I would say this advice is like any mother in whatever situation, Like I've always been one hundred percent honest, but to the extent that like her brain could handle it, do you know what I mean? So what I always did, was say, and I made it sound like a beautiful story, like a fairy tale, like a like enchanted and magical. And I would just say, you know, like in the beginning, it was just like Mommy and Hazy, it was just the two of us, and then we met Daddy and he's he begged and begged to be your father, and and we had a little family meeting just the two of us when you were seven months old, and you were like, yes, Mommy, I want you know, like I turned. I made it all something happy and fun instead of dark and scary. And even like about how she's born or how she was created. I'll now I use the word sperm because she kind of gets it that she's like gross, mom, don't say that word. But I used to say, like thank God for this doctor, he doctor Griffa, like he he put a seed in Mommy's tummy, like I picked the best seed and he put the seed in Mommy's tummy. And and you we grew you like the doctors. And I grew you and and then I had you. And so she always knew that she was kind of conceived through this I don't know, this like magical way that was.

00:16:26
Speaker 1: It is magical. I mean, as you're talking about it, I wish that everyone could see my face because I just like my face hurts because I'm just like, tell me more about this magical story of how Hazel came to be. I love that. And by the way, I feel like the way that you explained it to her is very much how it happened. Like you're saying, like you put it in a very magical way, but you're just putting it the way it happened, like the honest truth.

00:16:57
Speaker 2: Yeah, the honest truth. And I think because I U such warm feelings, I have such gratitude for like the doctors and and and honestly for the sperm donor who I will probably never meet him. I don't know him, I I don't know anything about him, but I love him so much, Lalla. It's it's the most like unconventional love story of all because I never need to meet him, and yet like I hold him in my heart and like in such a safe spot forever and ever. He gave me the greatest gift of all, you know. And she's perfect, she's she's unbelievable, and I owe I owe that to him. So it's a really unusual thing because it's in a way he's my great love story even wow, you know, and uh, and he's a stranger and a mystery and I am okay if I if he remains that way for the rest of my life.

00:17:51
Speaker 1: Ohlisa, that is so beautiful what you just said.

00:17:53
Speaker 2: Thank you.

00:17:54
Speaker 1: I have never heard that story before, for even a version of that story from anybody, And the way that you just explained it, that was beautiful.

00:18:05
Speaker 2: It's all perspective. And you know this now with ocean. Like, by the way, my son's name is River. I can't believe. I love the name Ocean so much. I can't believe it was not on my radar when I was pregnant with him. I mean, I'm glad I chose River and he's a boy, But I fucking love the name ocean so much.

00:18:21
Speaker 1: Thank you. Can I tell you I have always been obsessed with the ocean and everything in it. It was after I saw the documentary Blackfish. I don't know if you ever saw that, it's about Orca's in captivity, and just something started pulling at me and I said, this is my passion and I have to be a voice for animals in captivity, and I developed a deep love for the ocean, but it never crossed my mind for a name until I was in the Bahamas walking through the marina and there was a yacht called the Ocean Alexander, and I was like, oh my god, the name Ocean. It has to be my first baby.

00:18:57
Speaker 2: Right because it could be boy or girl, and like like, oh, is such a cool nickname. I don't know if you call her or we.

00:19:04
Speaker 1: Do we call her?

00:19:04
Speaker 2: Oh, it's just so perfect. You know this now as a mother who has had to sort of rewrite your own story a bit, like it is all about the perspective and the narrative we tell ourselves and when once we can make peace with it and we find the beauty around it, Like you already said, you've done where you have you found, you have your gratitude and you know how lucky you are. You know, once you have that beautiful perspective around your unique story, as complicated as it is, you just infuse that into everything you give your kids. Right, you know, you're not pretending that everything is normal. I mean, who cares about normal? Right? Or easy even? But it's if you make it, you know, enchanted and blessed and just like filled with spirit, you know, and grace, like it makes it so much easier and like sets the tone for the rest of their lives.

00:20:01
Speaker 1: I agree with you. And so many people ask me, are you worried about what Ocean may read? And I'm like, no, I'm not. I'm her mother, and no matter what, she's always gonna be okay because I'm her mother. She's surrounded with love, She's surrounded with positivity. And even though I look at the big picture and I think, you know, how did I end up here? I look at Ocean and I go, this is exactly why. Every choice that I made, every move that I made, it was all leading to this little girl right here.

00:20:37
Speaker 2: And you got pregnant, Like something was right about it that you got pregnant, you stayed pregnant. This daughter is just perfection. Yeah, think about it. I feel like you were ready to be.

00:20:48
Speaker 1: A mom too, right absolutely. I was like, let's do this. Yeah, yes, I mine's uneventful too, and very like you said, you have one cool story. One not so cool mind was like we downloaded the fertility app and I was like, time for bank sessions, Like I'm ready to have a baby. And be a mother. So that's my story. It wouldn't be li live if I didn't get a little raunchy.

00:21:19
Speaker 2: I need I pay my rent writing about low jobs and rim jobs and you know.

00:21:26
Speaker 1: So let's talk about that. What are you doing with that mouth to be engaged multiple times? Like, what are you doing to make a man put a ring on it more than once?

00:21:38
Speaker 2: I think it's because I never wanted to get married, so they all came, you know what I mean, I never cared, which, by the way, being pregnant also was like everyone was like, who's going to date you now? And it's like, who's not gonna date me now? Like I literally need nothing from a man, and they all were like so captivated by that. Right, I don't know why I do date. I have a wild side. My poor Sam missed like my slutty years. But I used to I used to love, you know, I was very lucky, Like I think I I think I like had an orgasm the night I lost my virginity. I think I had three orgasms that night. Like I had a very healthy relationship with sex and you know adult you know, adult consensual, safe sex. But nevertheless, I had a very good relationship with sex. I loved it. It changes in your forties, it changes. It sucks like.

00:22:32
Speaker 1: It does change when you get older. I feel after kids. I don't know, it's still nice. It's still nice, but I used to really like, you know, crave it.

00:22:39
Speaker 2: You know what? What? What? Where were we with?

00:22:43
Speaker 1: We were talking about how we were talking about how you've been engaged so many times and I have to like, I have this right here. You were engaged to us Celebrity Chef and you moved to Italy.

00:22:57
Speaker 2: I was engaged to Spike from Top Chef when Brothers of Bravo. Yeah. I don't know if you remember him or.

00:23:04
Speaker 1: If you watch the Top Chef, but of course I do.

00:23:06
Speaker 2: He's wonderful, He's I had a crush on him on the show, and I interviewed him for a story for a magazine kind of like I manipulated this interview because I was just dying to meet him. Said like a feeling that we would have chemistry, and we did so. I was engaged to Spike for a couple of years. I have nothing but wonderful things to say about him. He's as like delicious as he appears to be on TV. It just life with a chef was not for me, and I was ready to have kids even then, like in my late twenties early thirties, and he was on a completely different road to stardom or you know, this sort of sexy chef life, and we kind of crashed and burned. But he has kids now and I have kids now, and it's all good. We don't work like it's strange, right, nothing bad to say about him.

00:23:56
Speaker 1: I love Yeah, the timing was just off.

00:23:58
Speaker 2: The timing was off. You know, it looks like he really found his soulmate. I'm not sure. We had a lot of heat, and we had a lot of connection and certainly friendship. And yeah, he's hot, He's really hot. I love me. I loved being his girlfriend. But it looks like he found his soulmate and so I'm happy for him.

00:24:18
Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that for him. And what about this the random guy on a vest ba You asked him for directions and it turned into a two year relationship.

00:24:27
Speaker 2: Yeah. So after Spike, I became a food writer. When I was with him, part I wanted to integrate into his life, like I never knew how to even like make toast, you know what I mean, Like I couldn't boil water. And here I was with a chef who was surrounded like Tom Calichio was always visiting and all these big time chefs, and I just I hated feeling like a wallflower. I hate that feeling, and so I just sort of like integrate into the food world. So I became a food writer, which was great, and that got me. After a Spike and I broke up, I was like, I'm gonna do my eat prey love thing and moved to Italy and right through the pain and you know, and the first human being, literally the first part Italian I spoke to asking for directions to my Airbnb ended up being this ugly yet sexy, dark brooding guy on a Vespa hand rolling cigarette who I ended up staying with for three years.

00:25:21
Speaker 1: That is insane. So he wasn't physically he wasn't physically attractive.

00:25:27
Speaker 2: I think you get what I mean when I say ugly sexy.

00:25:30
Speaker 1: Ugly sexy. I'll be honest, bless, I don't know what that means, all right. I was just kind of thinking, you have an example.

00:25:38
Speaker 2: He was really tall. He was Oh god, who would we both know? I don't want to not like a Jax because he wasn't cheesy. He was Italian. He was like very sotistic, totally a snob and all, you know, I don't know, just like a dark, rooting European man like Javier brought Bardem or.

00:25:57
Speaker 1: Something like it, you know what I mean. Yes, I totally not, but.

00:26:02
Speaker 2: Like presents as a hot, confident and real you know, but he was. It was just like this Italian dream. I was a fever dream and I was taking Italian and we were cooking together and we were drinking a lot of new cronies and sex was good, but he was he was really dark. That was the last guy. Like that was the final straw for me in terms of like difficult men, like this guy had demons. Yeah, and you know I was then like by then thirty two and then thirty four, and then suddenly you're thirty five, and it's just like, get me off the vespa, Like, get me.

00:26:38
Speaker 1: Off the fucking vespa. Okay, what about what about this CFO close talker with a deadly stinky cheese habit.

00:26:48
Speaker 2: Oh that poor guy. Yeah, that was just that was like an unfortunate he had hygiene issues.

00:26:55
Speaker 1: Okay, let's talk about that. You say, is a close talker. Did did the stinky cheese breath?

00:27:00
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was real bad, and he was super confident and he was like it went. I won't say where he went, but he had like he was a very polished guy, and he would like he probably read some leadership book at some point where it's like shake some of his hand and look them in the eye and of a really like present conversation. I was like, maybe not that present, like maybe like back it up a little distant.

00:27:21
Speaker 1: I was with this guy. I won't mention his name, but and I told him this on multiple occasions. He smelled like a farm animal most of the time. And I'm gonna be so rude right now, but I'm not saying his name, so it doesn't matter, Melissa. His breath smelled like a dead animal shit in it. And you told him that, Yeah, I did. I tried to be kind. I was like, hey, when you bathe, you should like you soap like. I was trying to be nice and be like, hey, we should we should brush our teeth like more than just once a week. And it wasn't. It wasn't hitten right. So then I just lost my mind and I told him all about.

00:28:06
Speaker 2: Oh my god, that is so because it sounds like it was because of like a lack of trying, Like I do think maybe every now and then there's like a guttural like they say, there's like you know, there's a something deeper like a gut situation.

00:28:20
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, can I tell you this person. I got into a fight one time when we were dating, and I made a comment about him brushing his teeth and he said, I do brush my teeth and I said, well, then maybe you have stomach issues. Okay, Then the last one we're going to talk about is your husband, who you met on Tinder.

00:28:42
Speaker 2: And who I refuse to marry.

00:28:44
Speaker 1: So he's not your hut.

00:28:45
Speaker 2: Oh we might as well be. I'm not against like I am against marriage, but I'm not. It doesn't offend me in any way because I love him. We're monogamous. I hope to do with him forever.

00:28:56
Speaker 1: Your life partner. He's my life partner's father of your children exactly.

00:29:00
Speaker 2: He legally adopted Hazel this year in the middle of the pandemic. We changed her last name to his act so because I really wanted my kids to have the same last name. I just didn't want there to be any question about like are they I used to hate when people be like, so is River like her half or her step and he got to her fucking brother. I know. Do you have siblings that are from different parents?

00:29:26
Speaker 1: Yes, I have a half brother and we have the same last name. We come, we have the same same dad, but he we're fifteen years apart. So a lot of people I have to explain because they're like, wow, so your mom had him when she was like fifteen, and I'm like, no, right, so then I have to go into the whole thing. But it's like, no, he's not my Oh so he's your half brother. No, he's my fucking brother exactly.

00:29:50
Speaker 2: He's your family. He's your family.

00:29:52
Speaker 1: I don't half anything here.

00:29:53
Speaker 2: No, I don't like that at all. And I just didn't. I wanted to. I don't know. I just wanted to prevent them from happening. And also I have Sam has a great His last name is Russell. It was just like such a that's a great last name.

00:30:05
Speaker 1: That's a great last name.

00:30:06
Speaker 2: I know, I'm like Schlaskiam a mouthful, but like Russell's Russell is so classy.

00:30:10
Speaker 1: Would you ever change your last name?

00:30:12
Speaker 2: I've been a right professional writer my entire life, and I just like, you know, my byline and my books and stuff, So I don't think I would although like I think my being Alyssa Russell would have like been given me an entirely different life, you know than like Melissa Shilaski. I sound like inherently like this, like you know, gossipy Jewish lady from the Upper West Side or something.

00:30:34
Speaker 1: But oh, I love it.

00:30:35
Speaker 2: Thank you for your name.

00:30:37
Speaker 1: What's the time? What's the why am I blinking? The age difference between River and Hazel four.

00:30:44
Speaker 2: Years apart, which was more than I wanted. But I so I had Hazel at thirty eight, Sam and I sort of trying. I had a miscarriage. I had a bunch of chemical pregnancies, which I don't know if you've ever had them. That's weird because you like, you get the positive pregnancy result, right, and then like you get a really heavy period ten days later, you know, So it's a little bit of a mind fuck, but it's not, you know, it happens. And then I did IVF, which I found to be like our unique form of human torture. And I had my daughter. So I was sort of like, do I want to put myself through this. I already have a kid, Like, I'll be okay if it's well, of course we'll be okay. So I didn't do another round of IVF, and then we gave up, and then we got pregnant. It's like very you know, classic, that.

00:31:27
Speaker 1: Is everyone's story. Do you think it's because the like the pressure is gone, like your body feels relaxed for.

00:31:33
Speaker 2: Me, yes, one hundred percent. Yeah, we were back to having sex for the sake of pleasure again totally. And yeah, my body was relaxed exactly. And I remember it was really good sex. I don't know if there's any science behind that, but it was like it was all flowing, you know what I mean, Like and we and I was forty two, So I got pregnant that time and had a beautiful pregnancy and then came River.

00:31:59
Speaker 1: So no complations with your pregnancy with River I had.

00:32:02
Speaker 2: It's so funny because I know Sheena had it to. I'd pre clamsya with both my pregnancies.

00:32:06
Speaker 1: That is so scary.

00:32:07
Speaker 2: It's it's the only reason. I mean now I'm forty four, but I would never I would never do it again because I like how many times you want to press your love, but you should tell Shina you do get it, Like chances are you'll get it with your second pregnancy, and it's okay. You just have to like be really diligent about checking your blood pressure. You got it, like you it's not a joke. It's it's not a joke at all.

00:32:27
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I remember sheen at the reunion, like she she said, I believe she said she could have died.

00:32:33
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, you definitely can die if it's not if you don't catch it or have a stroke. It's serious. It's very scary. I know I felt for her. I'm not like the biggest sena empathize. I mean, I like her a lot, but I'm always you know, she's dramatic. But then like when I heard her say that, I was like, oh, no, she's been she was she went through hell.

00:32:50
Speaker 1: That's absolutely yeah, so you said you I'm loving this conversation. By the way, I said, you don't believe in marriage? Can you elaborate, like what makes you not believe in it?

00:33:05
Speaker 2: Okay? Well, the three times I was engaged, I didn't It did nothing for me, Like I didn't care about the rings were all beautiful, Fine, I just didn't fulfill something that I've been waiting for my whole life anything like that. And on top of that, I just felt an enormous amount of pressure. Maybe it was because they all you know it was with the wrong person all three times, or my gut, my intuition knew something. But I just felt this pressure, like I don't know, I felt trapped, and that took away the point for me, which was just to feel lifted up by the relationship and like your life was only enhanced and like you're this was I don't know. I always wanted, like my soul to be watered by the person I'm with, and I always staid started to feel like claustrophobic and kind of nervous, and I didn't like all the attention on like us being perfect forever and ever. So after I called off the third one, I was like, also, I could never call my mother again and be like I'm engaged, Like I can never like I can't do that to the people I love ever again. I come from tons of aunts and they all like would take their dresses out from the basement and like air out the moth claws and then bring the dresses right back down to the basement, you know. And then when I met when I was pregnant with Hazel, I had a boyfriend in LA. I was in New York. He's in LA, lived in Echo Park. And it was the first truly non monogamous, super unique, way out of the box relationship. And it was the best love story of my life because he was my person. I adored him. I didn't care what he was doing. He fulfilled everything I needed, and I didn't care what he was doing when we weren't together. Blah blah, blah blah. You'll have to read the chapter in my book. It's actually really heartbreaking because his roommate, they were like these two women, gorgeous womanizers living in Echo Park, musicians, and his roommate had struggled with the addiction. And by the time Hazel's life began, like his roommate Ben's life ended. I mean, it's like it's it was the most beautiful, romantic, and heartbreaking time on so many levels. So all that to say, by the time Ed, He's like come off that relationship, and I was like, I I do best with relationships that are like on the fringe, Like I don't need the non monogamy because I've just never I'm like, a, I'm just not personally, I'm not interested in sleeping with more than one person at once. You know. Yeah, it's it's not for me. And it gets messy. I mean we're like, we're the last people out there who I feel like are not like like you know, ethically non monogamous or whatever. But but I found after that, I was like, that works for me, like whatever. That was like a relationship that has its own set of rules and moves at its own speed and pace and and sort of like just grows and evolves on it organically. Like that's for me, right, No, I it's something changed. And I was like, I'll never get married. And then when I met Sam, I said that on our first day, Well, I was like, well, first of all, I have a baby at home, she's six months old. Also, I'm never gonna get married, so that's what you're looking for, you know, good luck? And he was like cool, cool and cool, you know, I love it, right, And so it just it was off the table from the beginning for us, and it still is. I don't know. I get like, here's what I know, and you know this as well as anybody. Love is really complicated and it can often be cruel, and it is just the only thing like we can't ever really understand or control. And knowing what I know about that, I don't understand why why anybody would like lock in for life with one person, knowing that life throws you curveballs and people change, and you know, people start to hate each other or you've thought you find somebody else, and like you can't help but what you're feeling, and you know whatever, I'm as traditional as the next person. I'm super I don't want if they're say I'm cheated on me, it would not be good. Like I'm not saying I want this crazy free love kind of like nineteen seventies lifestyle. I want the grounded traditional values and all that. I just I don't want to be legally bound to someone, knowing that life fucks with you sometimes.

00:37:21
Speaker 1: You know, I'm on your same page, by the way, I just wanted to get your perspective. I remember after my wedding was postponed at that time due to the pandemic, my mom she kept trying to say it in a very soft way, and keep in mind my parents were married for forty years before my dad passed away, and so I come from successful marriages. You know, I've seen it with right, so you know, so it has nothing to do with me being traumatized by marriage. But she kept saying, if you marry him, you're going to lose your power because we kept trying to put a new day on the calendar and it kept getting canceled because COVID was just not allowing it to happen. And now you know, cut to where we are now and everything I know. I'm just so I will do a ceremony that we can celebrate our love. But when it comes down to the marriage, I am not having it. I will never get married to somebody. We will be together forever. That's that's what I want, just like that's what you want. I don't want to mess around with anybody. I just want a partner for life. But they're no contract involved. I don't need that, no contract. It adds so much pressure. And it's just like I hate all my friends are married and they're happily married. And I hate to sound like a hater, but I honestly find it to be like foolish, like really like knowing what we know?

00:38:50
Speaker 2: Why do that? It's it's hard. It takes a really like evolved mind to understand that both things can exist, That you can want to be with someone forever and still believe in love and all of that, and yet feel that marriage is bullshit. Like you both can exist totally.

00:39:07
Speaker 1: I had the best time with you on on my podcast. You have no idea, me too.

00:39:12
Speaker 2: I also just want to say I really love DJ James Kennedy. I just have to say that, and I think that you. I know you too. For you. I love how you have man like taken care of him, and I love the friend you've been to him, even when it's he's made it impossible for you.

00:39:26
Speaker 1: You know what, James Kennedy is such a fabulous soul. And if I always tell him, whoever is not your friend is missing out because he is the funnest friends you'll ever have. You got to be tough, you got to be able to take some insults. Yeah, but he doesn't mean them. He loves hard, so that means he fights hard. But I adore DJ James Kennedy.

00:39:47
Speaker 2: I know he's he's he's on your level. He's on your well not quite. No one's quite on your level. But he's yeah, he's a good he's a good soul. I could tell and you should go on. I want you to go switch to real houses with Beverly Hills. That's the last name going to say about my right.

00:40:01
Speaker 1: Can can you write into Anti Cohen and tell him that, yeah.

00:40:03
Speaker 2: You belong there, like it's time for you to elevate.

00:40:06
Speaker 1: You know that I want to elevate. Where where can people get your book? This might be too personal and other intimate stories.

00:40:14
Speaker 2: So it's everywhere you can get on Amazon or your local bookstore, and you please follow me at Alyssa Shlaski.

00:40:22
Speaker 1: I can't wait to read your book.

00:40:23
Speaker 2: Oh my god, Lalla, I really love your rooting for you and you got this.

00:40:27
Speaker 1: I really love you too. Thank you so much, babe. Okay, bye bye