63. Setting boundaries and sticking to them

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Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, Thank you so much for joining me for another episode. This topic has been on my mind for some time, and I honestly think it's mandatory information, mandatory learning for those of us in our twenties, as I'm sure many of you are, And of course, with the holiday season and New Years around the corner, I thought this just might be the best time to have a really deep conversation about personal and emotional boundaries. I think this time of the year is super important for us to reflect on what it is is about our lives, about our relationships that we want to improve, and how it is that we want to treat ourselves and more importantly, how it is that we want others to treat us as well. And of course, I think many of us are traveling home to see our families. I think it's such a great time to talk about boundaries, especially with family members, especially with distant relatives. All of those things. So today we are going to break down the psychology behind how we can establish sustainable and realistic boundaries in our twenties. I think that term, I think the idea of a boundary. The concept of boundaries is talked about so much in psychology and self improvement, but often the true meaning of what it means is not always clear, or the idea of what a boundary is is sometimes warped into something entirely different to its true meaning. Boundaries are meant to keep us safe, meant to keep us secure, and they help us improve our relationships, not just with others but with ourselves. So in this episode, I really want to dispel some of that ambiguity about what exactly boundaries are. We're going to talk about the equation and the makeup of a healthy boundary, why we need boundaries to flourish in our lives, how to set boundaries, the consequences of not having them, and finally, what do we do when, no matter how how we try, someone keeps it violating those expectations we have for them and those expectations about how we want to be treated. So so much valuable content and so many incredible findings and tips from psychology in this episode. I know boundary setting is definitely something I've had to learn in twenty twenty two, and maybe it's something that you are also working on. So I think it's absolutely so valuable. You know, we cannot give people unlimited access to us, we can't let people walk all over us or sacrifice our own well being for others, and our twenties are this absolutely crucial, crucial time to really start establishing how we want people to treat us, and not only that, but how we can teach people how to treat us through realistic and healthy boundary setting. So I'm very excited for this episode. The research was so fascinating and I know that I learned a lot, so I hope that you will too. And without further ado, let's talk boundaries. What are they, why do we need them, and how to stick to them? So let's start at the very beginning and understand what exactly is a boundary. This term has become such a huge part of the psycho babble in recent years, especially in terms of the expectations and the guidelines that we set for our families, our partners, our friends. I think it's fantastic that we have become so much better at being aware of what we need in our lives, and that we've also become equipped with the language to kind of stand up for ourselves and establish agency over our most important relationships. One of my friends told me this the other day. She has I think a sister who's in primary school, and it's even become part of some of our early childhood curriculum, teaching kids about boundaries, and I think that is so special and so amazing to be teaching children from a really early age how to decide and determine how they want to be treated. I think that's fantastic. So boundaries are essentially rules or limits that a person decides upon in order to create a reasonable, a safe, a secure environment for themselves, particularly in terms of their relationships. So boundaries, they are essentially emotional, physical, mental, even financial limits that we don't want the people in our lives to cross, and they are so crucial for establishing healthy relationships, because if we let people cross into a terrain or an area of our lives, or overstep how we deserve to be treated, we can be left feeling really offended, really hurt and upset. And that's not how we want to feel. I think it's also a disservice to our relationships if we don't establish boundaries within them, because it can result in a lot of built up, long term, unresolved resentment. It's important to note here that boundaries, they are essentially a really critical way that we're able to take charge of our own happiness because people are going to treat us the way that we allow them to, right. I think, genuinely, the people we surround ourselves with, I would hope are really good people, but they're often treating you in the way that they would like to be treated and how they expect to be treated. And of course they're just applying their own internal perspective to your behaviors and interactions. You know, for example, maybe one of your friends is really good at instantly replying to messages. You know, they're always on their phone, so they have no problem getting back to you asap. So when they message you, they expect the same thing back and maybe they become upset or they feel neglected when you don't do that. But for you, right you might need time away from technology, or you just might feel really overwhelmed with replying as soon as you see a message, you know it might just be that you're busy and you don't have time to get to it. So by recognizing that and having this boundary that you know, hey, I'm not going to reply instantly, I'm not going to be able to get back to you as soon as possible, and having an open conversation about this, about how much time, how much energy you can give that friend, you allow yourselves to have a more open and a more respectful relationship with each other without having those undue pressure or expectations. Obviously, that's a pretty small boundary, right, It's a pretty negligent boundary. When we think about other ones, like sexual boundaries or physical boundaries, it can get a lot more complicated. But it can also get a lot more I wouldn't say significant, but important to really understand what you need and what you require from someone else, and what your kind of deal breakers are, what your nogo zones are. One of the big realizations I think I had when I first really began thinking about boundaries a little bit more, and I guess maturing as a person overrule is that people cannot read your mind and they are not automatically going to know exactly what you need and what you expect. That is kind of your duty. It's kind of your duty to discover that about yourself, and it's also your responsibility to make that known. Boundaries are also super important because they help define your sense of self by separating your needs and desires from others. I think this is really common in our twenties, especially for those of us who are like serial people pleasers. It's really common to find that our needs are subsumed by those of others, and we almost place what we want as less important to what others want from us. I don't think that's anyone's fault, right, That's not your fault, it's not their fault either. In most cases, people are just meeting you where you are prepared to meet them, and I think that's where boundaries come in, right, because people you know are going to take as much as you give. Of course, there are obviously a lot of instances in which people are actively manipulative or prepared to push us further than we would like to go, in which case I would say boundaries are more important. But in general, when we set boundaries early and intentionally, we can avoid some of those consequences of feeling like someone's taking advantage of us or treating us in a way that we don't want to be treated, either wittingly or unwittingly. I think this is a great time to jump into the different types of boundaries and some of the examples. I think the boundaries with our closest relationships. You know, our partners, our parents, our siblings, our friends. They're often the ones that receive the most attention, and for a good reason, right, for a very good reason. These are the people that we're closest to, who we give the most too and know us the best. But they're also the people who have the most access to our lives, and with that comes the greatest ability to impact us. So setting clear expectations and boundaries in these relationships, I think it is really crucial for our well being in all domains of our lives. There are generally around seven different types of boundaries that I think that we would often think of, so almost seven different categories. The first I think is physical, a physical boundary, and this often relates to our personal space and our physical space. For example, you might not like it when people touch you without asking or enter into your personal space, it makes you feel uncomfortable. It also may be about how people treat your physical space or your environment and wanting that to be protected, Like you don't want people to drink in your house or bring drugs into your space, or leave their rubbish an that's a physical boundary. That's you making a decision about how you want your physical environment to feel, like how you want your physical space to be respected. I used to live in the share house when I was in Canberra and we have this friend who would always come over and he would always bring like takeaway food with them. I swear like every time this person left, they would just leave their rubbish all around the kitchen and the dining room. And let me tell you, that annoyed me so much because I like a contained a mess or no mess at all. So I definitely established a boundary there and was like, you cannot leave your mess around my house, please and thank you. And I think establishing a boundary around how you like your personal space and your environment to be protected is super valid. It's so valid. Sexual boundaries are also one that I think gets a lot of attention for all the right reasons, and these kind of boundaries they essentially protect your right to consent, to ask for what you like, and to be honest about your partner and honest with your partner about things like their sexual history, their preferences, things like that, And they define what kind of sexual touch or intimacy you want, how often, when, where, and with whom. I think, for example, a sexual boundary maybe that you don't want to have sex when you're drunk or be treated in a certain way when you're with someone. Once again, so valid, and I think sexual boundaries in particular, I wasn't I was about to say, like, sexual boundaries need to be ultimately respected, but all boundaries do, sexual boundaries amongst them. But I think that they can be something that's really difficult to sometimes have a conversation about. I don't think that we as a society are very good at having conversations about sex and having conversations about the boundaries that exist around sexual intimacy. I feel like that's a whole other episode. But the next kind of boundary is emotional and mental boundaries. Obviously, I think all boundaries are created equal, but this one has a particular, I don't know, a particular space in my heart, and I think is often what we think about when we talk about boundaries. Your emotional and your mental boundaries. They protect your right to have your feelings respected and to hold your own beliefs about the world, with the caveat that those beliefs aren't obviously hurtful or reduce someone else's worth, Like I mean, you can't be like I have an emotional boundary that I'm allowed to be sexist or racist. No, no, that's not how it works, right. It's more so like being able to say that you don't feel like sharing something or you don't want to discuss a particular topic that's harmful to you, or standing up for yourself when someone belittles you or speaks you in a certain way, criticizes your decisions, or how you look. These are things that are related to how you feel mentally and emotionally when you're around others. Spiritual boundaries was one that I found really interesting. Actually, I am not a very spiritual or religious person anymore. That used to be quite that used to be the case, but not anymore so. I had never really thought about how religion and spirituality could be involved in boundary setting. But spiritual boundaries, essentially they protect your right to believe what you would like about the world and practice your own spiritual beliefs. For example, a spiritual or religious boundary maybe that you would like, you know, dedicated five minute break throughout the work day to pray, or time out of the week to go to church or synagogue or a mosque, even if, for example, your partner doesn't share that belief. It's a boundary that allows you to have access to your spiritual life and the spiritual side of your life without feeling like it's being compromised by someone else. And it goes the other way right, Like it may be that you don't want to discuss religion with your family because it gets heated and it's unproductive. That's also a boundary that you were allowed to set. Maybe it's one that you're thinking about as we approach the Christmas in the holiday season. Financial boundaries, this is an interesting one. They really concern how you would like to treat and use your financial resources as well as your possessions. You know, things like please don't borrow my car without asking, or being able to ask your friends to choose a cheaper restaurant because you're saving I did a whole episode on this. Actually, I think it's called financial anxiety and money in your twenties that I think is so valuable for us in our twenties, especially when people are making super different amounts of money. You know, I have friends who are still at UNI or job hunting whilst others are working jobs with like crazy salaries, and I think we should all be able to enjoy our time together without feeling like our financial boundaries are being crossed, and that the people who are closest to us are respectful of our financial situation. So yeah, financial boundaries can be things like, oh, I actually am not prepared to spend crazy amounts of money on like shared birthday gifts, and hopefully the people around you are really respectful of that. Time boundaries, time boundaries, I find these so interesting. I think I've said that about every single one, but time boundaries. Often we put these in place to protect how we want to spend the hours in our day and also how we want to spend our energy. They protect you from agreeing to do things that you don't want to do, from having people waste your time, from feeling overworked. My full time workers who are listening, I feel like this one is a huge one if you found yourself in your first full time nine to five job, establishing time boundaries around my free time, my personal time. It's something I'm so bad at. I am terrible at doing this to the point where I can be super burnt out, and I'm still not able to set that limit for myself. I'm still not able to communicate that to other people and be like, hey, no, I have a boundary around this, you know, for example, being able to say that you reserve you time in the evenings or time to be social, or that you can't spend you know, a whole day with one of your friends. I think it's also an important one with Christmas and the holidays coming up, to be able to set a boundary with your family even and say, you know, I can't spend every day with you over the holidays because you know, I want time to myself or to see my friends or to do something else to make me happy. Once again, time boundaries super important. And then we have deal breakers or what I like to call like the miscellaneous or the other category. So these might be boundaries that don't really fit into any of the above that we've discussed, and they might be really niche. One of the big deal breakers I think most of us have is around infidelity. That's one that I think of quite a bit. I think it has a lot of links to sexual boundaries, but it's also an emotional and a mental boundary. It's a big no no for me, you know, a big violation or grounds for ending a relationship even you know, maybe it's that you don't want your parents to comment on your partner or your job completely reasonable, or you don't want your housemates, I don't know, to cook meat in your frying pan. I feel like that's a bit of a physical boundary. But anyway, there are so many different categories of boundary. I found it so interesting to hear about all of these, and honestly, I think when we think about that massive landscape, you can have as many boundaries as you would like in your life. Obviously, I don't think that that's necessary, and I don't think that it's particularly healthy to put that much pressure on the people in our lives to always act a certain way. But if that's what you decide to do, then go for it. You can have as many deal breakers as you want. You can choose whatever boundaries that you would like, because at the end of the day, it's about how you want to be treated and the environment that you expect to have. Also, I think with many of these yes, you can set these boundaries with other people, but you can also set individual and internal boundaries around how you want to treat yourself. You know, for example, this year, I made a big pact with myself, a very strict boundary that I didn't want to say negative things or talk down to myself internally, and when I did that, I wanted to make sure I corrected that behavior and treated myself in a way that I would want others to treat me. So supernuanced. Right, you can have these boundaries around how others treat you, but you can also have personal and individual boundaries as well. So, now that we have a bit of a lay of the land, how can we actually go about setting healthy and realistic boundaries with others in a way that is firstly effective but also sustainable and gets us our desired outcome. Our next partner has a product I use literally every day. I started taking ag one because I've been on a bit of a health journey. I wanted to take better care of my immune system and my gut health and with one delicious scoop of AG one, you're essentially absorbing seventy five high quality vitamins, minerals, probiotics, all that good stuff, and it's really great for your nervous system and your immune system. It's just one simple micro habit that you can incorporate into your daily life with big benefits. It's super lifestyle friendly and Athletic Greens is also a climate neutral certified company, which we absolutely love on the show. Right now, it is time to reclaim your health and arm your immune system with a convenient daily nutrition. 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But I think it's also important to understand the emotional consequences of when we don't have those clear boundaries and when we keep letting ourselves be mistreated. I'm sure we all know someone who is always working late hours even when they have other commitments, or maybe a friend who always lets their partner or another friend criticize or take advantage of them with little to no consequences and at their expense. And in those situations where we haven't taken the time to set up and communicate a clear boundary with someone and be like, hey, I don't like it when you treat me that way. I expect you to treat me differently. You cannot message my work phone after nine pm, whatever it may be. When we don't do that the outcomes can be pretty severe. You know, you may feel really frustrated, really anxious, or angry or guilty. There's just this whole spectrum of emotions because our very personhood, our sense of self feels violated, because we don't feel respected. And often these emotions themselves are a sign that you need a boundary, because no one's behavior should be making you feel that way, and no one's way of treating you or approaching you should be putting you in a position where you're dealing with really heavy and hard emotions. Having positive boundaries it means that you're confident in saying no to others, and you're able to separate your thoughts and your emotions from those of other people's. You don't feel guilty about disappointing them. You don't feel guilty about standing up for yourself, even if it means maybe embarrassing them a little bit. I think many of us struggle with our boundaries because of that reason. Right, we don't want to upset someone, We don't want to put them in a position where they feel as if they've done something wrong, and out of a care and a caution around our relationships, we allow ourselves to be passive in the face of not always disrespect, but in the face of behaviors that we really don't want to tolerate. I saw this really interesting study and it said that women in particular really struggle with this because we have been conditioned in many ways to believe that the needs of others are more important than our own, and so we tend to appease, We tend to put others needs in front of our own, and not really take care of ourselves physically and mentally, and don't really set boundaries about how we expect to be treated. So the first thing to do, I think, is to identify what it is about a situation that makes you upset and what exactly it was, whether it was something someone has said, an action, a behavior that's left you feeling that way. Ultimately, I think boundaries speak to what makes us feel good and comfortable. So if something is making you uncomfortable, it's likely that it's crossed a boundary that you haven't even been able to identify yet. And at this stage it's really important to think through why did that happen, What was triggering about that, what particular element of that person's behavior made me upset? And if I'm thinking about setting a boundary and calling out this behavior, what is it that you want to accomplish by doing that? And do you think that it's something that you're going to be able to do? Do you think that having an open conversation or just saying a firm no, is that going to allow you to achieve that desired outcome? I think the other important thing to consider when we are thinking about boundaries and how to set them and our personal lives and our private lives is what exactly is the boundary that you want to set and does it directly correlate to the outcome that you want? The boundary, I think has to be specific to the behavior or action that has caused you to become upset. Otherwise it's just a boundary for boundary's sake, and it probably won't change much. I think it's important to be very very clear with ourselves. What is your boundary? Why do you need this boundary? Why is it important? Is it that you don't want your parents to ask about your dating life, or that you need more space or a dedicated a loane time from your partner, whatever it may be, You're not going to get anywhere if you're not able to articulate it to yourself to begin with. And I think it's really important to have an on standing of why do I need this boundary, what need does it serve, why is it important? And get those things kind of iron doubt before you begin to approach the idea of communicating that to another party. The next step. I think it's the scary one, isn't it. We all knew what was coming. You're going to need to verbalize that boundary to the other person otherwise it's never going to happen. Like I said before, it's a hard truth. But people can't read your mind and we can't expect them to either. So you will need to verbalize to the other person what it is you need, what behavior you're willing to accept, and how you want to be treated. I think if you want to maintain the relationship with the person you're speaking to, you're going to need to go on with an approach and try not to blindside them. Often when we often I think when we have experiences where something offends us or we feel upset, we have this tendency to be really reactive, particularly when something disrupts our boundaries. Sometimes I don't know, will be in a situation and that behavior that we dislike might come up. Someone might say something or ask something of us, and in that moment we feel like we might burst, especially if it's something that's been bothering us for a while. You know, we're sitting in that situation and we just feel the frustration like bubbling up. And I would advise you from personal experience to not react immediately. It doesn't mean you can't see anything in the moment or you need to bite your tongue, but just take a second so that you don't let your feelings almost blind you or get in the way of achieving the outcome you want. Take a deep breath, and then say something. The worst thing you can do, especially if it's a relationship you want to maintain, is say something that you don't mean or something that you might regret out of anger. You're still able to stand up for yourself, and I think you're doing more of a service if you go into it rationally. Eventually, though, you know, you're going to have to have a conversation, and in that conversation be really clear with the other person about what it is that you want. What is it about the behavior or the action that it's upset you and why that needs to change. This is like a really common strategy in couples counseling actually, and that's to use eye language. So like I feel bad when you put me down, I feel stressed when you want me to reply instantly, I feel upset or angry when you ask me about my dating life or when you make comments about my weight. And by using that eye language, it makes sure that the other person doesn't feel defensive, rather they feel receptive to what you're saying, which is a positive outcome for everyone. Also, try and use succinct, clear phrases to clarify exactly why you feel this way and why you feel the need to set this boundary. I think there's nothing that healthy open communication cannot do, especially if it's someone who cares about us, who cares about you, who cares about your relationship, and if it is the case that that person does react negatively, well, I do think that's highly indicative that there's a deeper lack of disrespect or maybe there are other things that need to be addressed. It's also very normal they have to reiterate it, maybe a couple of times. I wouldn't go above like one or two, or maybe you will have to correct their behavior. But if it does keep happening and they don't apologize, or they don't actively seek to change, and they keep crossing your boundary, maybe it's time for more drastic measures. I think it's worth noting here that people with healthy boundaries are able to adjust their boundary depending on a situation to allow for I would say, like the appropriate level of connection. You know, in practice we consciously and unconsciously use boundaries to decide what allows us to feel comfortable, and on a daily basis that might change. But you might have a very strict, like do not go past this point type of setup. But sometimes it's important to make sure that our boundaries aren't too strict and on the flip side, like when our boundaries are too permeable, when they're too flexible, often we tend to let people take advantage of us or accept treatment that we don't deserve. It's like we don't have a boundary at all. So it's about finding that middle ground right where we're able to receive the respect we deserve, but we're also able to understand that people make mistakes and adapt to our circumstances. When we're in the process of establishing healthy boundaries, I think naturally, the people that are used to you behaving in some way, the people who are used to being able to say whatever they want or to take advantage of you, they're going to get upset. And some people might even continue to disrespect your boundaries. They might never be supportive of what you need. I think in these instances when you feel like, oh, you know, I set this boundary with my partner or with my friend, and they just keep pushing it, they keep violating it, They still keep saying those things to me, they still keep using my car without asking, or they still keep making comments about this or interrupting my personal and my free time. Sometimes we can feel, you know, like the problem is me, not them, and that's definitely not the case. You deserve to be treated the way that you want to be treated. So in those instances where you feel your resolve cracking, really reiterate to yourself why it is that you've felt the need to enact that boundary in the first place. What were you protecting yourself from or providing for yourself? And do you still have that need. I'm guessing the answer is probably yes. Right. You know, everyone has a need to feel respected and a need to feel like they're treated the way they deserve. So if it's the case that you've set the boundary, you've had the conversation, and there's someone in your life who just, no matter what, can't seem to respect that, maybe it's time to consider some other options. So that leads us to our next conundrum, right, what do you do when someone continues to violate your boundaries? When someone crosses our boundaries, it can create a lot of emotions most of the time, you know, it's anger. It's anger, it's sadness, it's anxiety, it's fear. I have this anecdote for you, and I hope it will be useful. And of time, when I repeatedly found someone I was really close to not respecting a boundary I was actively trying to set with them. So I had this with a friend and they were going through a really difficult time, and you know what, that's fine. I think we all go through periods like that. But her reliance on me was quite unhealthy and was really beginning to disturb in my life in some ways in a way that was really upsetting, and I couldn't help this person. And I got to the point where I would be receiving these messages that would just send me into like a tizzy, and it would just be incredibly emotional content, incredibly aggressive content, and I would wake up in the morning and I would just be fearful that this person overnight had set me something really traumatic, or had tried to call me, or had sent me really aggressive text message, and I was on high alert to take on their emotional baggage and often their anger at any given point. And it got to this point of being incredibly stressful and intense for me, like to a point of intense mental distress where I genuinely could not manage everything going on in my life and this friendship. And I had talked and communicated to this person a few times about this and reiterated that I couldn't have these intense discussions or received these messages and it would be good for her to maybe get some professional help because I just didn't have the capacity or the skills to do it. And despite that, that boundary was not respect did that boundary of being like, I cannot be this person for you, please do not treat me like your therapist or like your psychologist. Please don't send me these messages. It wasn't respected, and that was really hard because I wanted her to treat me well. I wanted to have a healthy relationship. So what do we do in those situations when no matter what you do, you just find that these people or this person keeps encroaching on the space or the nogo zone where you really don't feel comfortable. Something I realized is that you can't control other people or make them someone that they're not. Once again, you know, you only get to control yourself and teach people how to treat you. But if they won't take that lesson, then maybe it's time for something more drastic. If you've tried to calmly let the person know that what they did wasn't okay, that they violated your boundary, that this is something that's important to you, something that you would like to be respected, maybe it's time to rethink their behavior and time to rethink their attitude towards you. Importantly, sometimes you've just got to accept that people are not going to respect your boundaries no matter what you do. And this is such a difficult truth because I think we like to think that the best of people, and we really want to give people second, third, sometimes fourth chances. So it can be really disappointing to realize this and to have to make a hard decision from this realization that this person actually doesn't care whether I feel respected. They actually don't care what I have to say for myself and how I want to be treated. But here is where you come in, right, you have the agency to choose whether you accept that behavior or whether you're ready to disengage. It's also important from the get go to have a clear consequence in your mind. But how are you going to react if this does happen, if someone does cross this boundary and be intentional with writing that down, acknowledging it, and enacting that consequence. When you feel the boundary has been crossed, often that means reducing your contact with them, blocking them, cutting them out of your life. This also comes down to being really clear with yourself about what treatment you're willing to accept and what you don't. I don't think that realization comes easily, right. It's not something that you're going to wake up one day and be like, oh my gosh, I finally realized that I deserve to be treated well, but it comes with time and with maturity, and I think with some of those trial and error experiences like we were talking about, right, if you're treated poorly enough times, eventually you get a little bit sick, give it and you start to realize, like, oh, I should probably be standing up for myself in this instance, and sometimes there's nothing left to do but let go. You know, I firmly believe that most people are not toxic or bad people. You know, with the exception of people with severe personality disorders like narcissism or psychopathy. But even in those instances, like they're not bad people. It's a condition, and you know, that's a whole other ball game entirely. But I do believe that behavior like this or toxicity, like the continual violation of your boundaries, it's not your fault. And it's not because they're a bad person. It's normally due to something that they're not addressing. Maybe it's their inability to respect themselves. And ultimately it's their loss. If they have to give up a relationship with you, Oh my gosh, that's their loss, absolutely, because at the end of the day, you really do deserve to be respected and loved and treated how you want to be treated, regardless of whether this person is a colleague, is a friend, or a family member, even a partner. That doesn't change that fact that you deserve to be treated and respected the way that you want to be treated. But still, sometimes you do have to cut off contact in order to protect yourself and take control of your happiness, and that can be a really hard decision and not one I think any of us would take lightly. So I would really make sure that you've explored or opportunities and also that it's going to give you the outcome that you want. That cutting this person off, that saying goodbye to them is what's going to make you happier and is going to leave your life in a better place. I think if you can have one final conversation with that person about why this needs to happen, and just see if you can get any of that recognition from them their behavior is causing you harm, and if not, you know you did what you needed to do and it's probably time to say goodbye, which I know is a lot easier said than done, especially when we think about you know, family, I'm sure many of us have had to set boundaries with our family members, and when they've been violated, we've had to make hard decisions. So I definitely don't envy you on a smaller scale, you know. I had to do this with someone I was dating at the start of the year, and I had set this boundary that if I were to date this person, I needed to feel like they respected me and wanted me around. And I communicated that to them, and they never did. They never made me feel respected, even after I'd expressed that many times, and finally I just had to go. I had to be like, I'm sorry, you can't be part of my life anymore. And oh my god, it was so hard. I remember having that conversation and just being in tears. But I also never felt more proud of myself for finally realizing what I deserved and how I expected to be treated by people who claim to love me. It was like one of the most empowering moments, like a turning point in my relationship with myself, and I gave myself time to grieve that relationship, but I also gave myself time to grieve and be sad about the fact that I had let that behavior go on for so long that I had let an important boundary be crossed. So if you're at that stage, if you're having this dilemma, if you've done all those steps right, you've thought to yourself, what is it about this behavior that's upsetting me? Will this boundary actually give me the outcome that I want? How can I set this boundary. I've had this conversation with them, I've communicated clearly what it is about their behavior that upsets me, and still still nothing has changed. Maybe you're at that point where nothing is going to change, right, Like, you can't change this person. You can only change your environment, and you can only make the decisions for yourself. So I think it's always something to consider, especially when we talk about really serious boundaries as well. Anyhow, I hope that you liked this episode. It was kind of deep, kind of emotional. I feel like that's always the case. I always notice that when I share heaps of personal anecdotes, I'm like, oh wow, I could really relate to this this episode this week, and seems that this was one of those. So I hope that if you're listening and you're thinking about boundaries around the holiday season, around your relationships, that this was helpful, that you learned something even researching this, like I learned something. I learned something super helpful, and I think it's just such a valu kind of learning resource, or like a like a valuable insight to have valuable knowledge. So thank you so much for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to leave it a five star review on Apple, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now. It really helps the show grow and helps it reach new people. This has been such a crazy year. Thank you to everyone who's already left a review. It's like overwhelming and I really really appreciate it. If you want to have a say over what episodes I publish next year, well follow me on Instagram at that Psychology podcast. I put out a poll there every week to decide what I record for one of those episodes that week. So go and give it a follow if you want to, if that's something you want to do. If not, that's all right. Thanks for coming along for the journey, and I hope everyone learns something about boundaries before the holiday season. I know for many of us it is a hard time, so best in luck, happy holidays, and thank you so much for listening