272 | Fine Tuning Limit-Setting: Clarifying the "A" in the ACT Framework

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi,

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I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode,

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I would like to provide some clarity.

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On

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reflecting feelings in limit setting.

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So I know that's

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complicated,

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but

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I

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realized that

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sometimes when we think about reflecting feelings,

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we think about reflecting cognitions,

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which I'll dive into that a little bit,

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but then also when we move into ACT of limits.

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We most often are reflecting something else other than an emotion,

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and I just wanted to make sure that we were all clear on

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what that looks like and and how that works because it's a

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little bit different than traditional reflection

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of feeling from the reflective responses.

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So keep in mind

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limit setting is a pillar.

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Reflecting feelings is

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a pillar,

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but reflecting feelings is also a reflective response.

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So that's the only one that.

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Serves both functions

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and it shifts a little bit based on

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whether you're just reflecting feeling as a reflective response

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or whether you're reflecting feeling as part of a limit.

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So we're going to dive into that,

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but before we do,

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Wanted to share a couple of updates and thoughts.

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First,

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the conference in Mississippi was a blast and

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Y'all no joke.

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You talk about Southern hospitality and Mississippi

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is the prototype for Southern hospitality.

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It was

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so lovely.

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It it was freezing.

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I literally have a picture of my hand with a handful of snow

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from being there.

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This Florida girl was a little cold,

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but

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honestly,

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I felt so loved and welcomed and appreciated and it was just,

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it was so much fun

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and we had our meet up,

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which was incredible.

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So really glad to have been in Mississippi,

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and I'm coming to Virginia in a few weeks.

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So if you are within driving distance or are

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planning to go to the Virginia APT conference,

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we're gonna have a meet up there too,

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and I would love to see you at both.

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So

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check show notes for the RSVP to

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the meet up,

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but Mississippi was so much fun and just really had a lovely time,

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even though it was cold.

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And then second update.

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This is my birthday week,

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so

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my birthday's Friday.

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If

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you have a birthday this week or specifically

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if you have a birthday on February 28th,

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we share a birthday.

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Happy birthday to you,

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and I feel that

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something needs to be said

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because of my February 28th birthday.

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If you are a leapling.

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And you celebrate on February 28th because you only have a birthday every 4 years.

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Here's to you.

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You're younger than all of us,

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but wanted to say happy birthday to the Leapings if you celebrate on February 28th.

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Internationally,

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if you are a leap year baby,

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your official birthday on documents is usually February 28th.

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So whether you have a February 28th birthday or you celebrate on the 28th,

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happy birthday.

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We'll celebrate together this weekend.

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Hope you have a lovely time.

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All right,

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so.

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Let's dive into this concept of reflecting feelings,

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crossing over into the limit setting,

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it changing a little bit,

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reflecting cognitions,

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etc.

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So

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let's start with reflecting feelings versus

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our emotions rather versus cognitions.

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So here's what happens.

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Often parents

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and often therapists

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will,

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because we are logical and cognitive and intellectual beings,

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we identify the cognition.

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When we try to acknowledge something.

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So

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child is experiencing an emotion because of a scenario

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and our adult brain.

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Ends up saying

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You

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are hoping to do that,

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for example.

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OK,

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that's a reflection of cognition.

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That is not an emotion.

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And here's the beauty of if our

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brains naturally gravitate toward reflecting a cognition.

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We are able to use that

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to get to the emotion,

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so that's not necessarily wasted effort.

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So if our brain naturally goes to,

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you're really hoping to do that

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or

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you don't like

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whatever or

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your.

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Gosh,

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I,

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I'm having a really hard time thinking of cognitions

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cause I work so hard to reflect emotions,

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but

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anything that the child is thinking about rather than feeling.

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You can use that to lead you to the emotion.

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So if you say you're really hoping to do that.

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Then the emotion that is at the heart of when you're hoping something.

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Is you're hopeful.

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Right,

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or

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you.

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Wish you could go.

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And there are others so

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you can imagine that if your brain naturally goes toward a cognition,

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you say,

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OK,

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if

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the child is thinking that

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what would they be feeling as a result

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or really at at the catalyst for the thought,

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to be honest.

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So that's a really important distinction and we often

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need to make sure that we're not reflecting cognitions.

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They do serve a purpose in the playroom every once in a while.

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But we want to make sure that in full mastery of reflecting feelings

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that we are acknowledging the emotion,

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not the cognition.

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And so,

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you know,

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I guess we use the phrase walk before we run,

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right?

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So if we are trying to master a reflection of feelings,

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we want to make sure that we're acknowledging emotions.

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Even though reflecting cognition serve a purpose now,

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let's pivot to limit setting

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because even though

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curriculum in ACT

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books will say that the A stands for acknowledge the feeling

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most often

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when we are

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setting a limit,

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we are in fact acknowledging

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the intent,

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the need,

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the desire,

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or the wish.

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So sometimes that is emotionally related

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but often what we say to the child

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is

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more of an acknowledgement of what they would like

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rather than an emotion sometimes we can do both at the same time.

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But for example,

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child wants to.

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Throw

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the playdough on the carpet in the playroom.

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You know that's going to get stuck in your carpet.

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So,

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is there an emotion

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driving,

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wanting to throw the playdough onto the carpet?

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Possibly,

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but it seems more like a wish,

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a desire,

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or an intention.

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So in that scenario,

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we wouldn't say

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you're excited

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to throw playdough onto the carpet

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unless the child is actually excited about that.

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But often

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it's just something that they intend to do.

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So rather than saying you're excited,

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we would most likely say.

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You're thinking about throwing the playdough on the carpet.

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Or

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it would be fun

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to throw the playdough on the carpet,

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or you really want to throw the playdough on the floor.

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See how those are not emotions,

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but that would still fall under the category

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of acknowledge the feeling in limit setting.

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Because the whole point of the A

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in ACT

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is validation.

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You're not wrong

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for wanting to throw Play-Doh on the carpet.

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You're not wrong

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for thinking it would be fun.

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Everyone understands

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that sometimes if you're playing with Playdough.

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You might just want to throw it somewhere.

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However,

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the goal is validation,

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even though it's not necessarily an emotion.

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Now,

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if the kid is jumping up and down with a huge smile on her face going,

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I'm gonna throw this on the floor.

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OK,

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then we're probably looking at excitement.

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And we could work that in.

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But I want to make it very clear that even though

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we consider that to be acknowledge the feeling in the ACT.

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It is often not an emotion that we say.

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However,

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to fully do feeling reflection.

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We absolutely want to make sure that we're focusing on the emotion.

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So I know that seems a little bit counterintuitive because we're calling both

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acknowledge the feeling or reflect the feeling,

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and then in the limits,

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we're not quite getting there most of the time.

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But keep

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the reason in the back of your mind,

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it's validation.

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In both cases,

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we want a child to feel

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seen and heard and understood

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and validated.

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So whether we say

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You're proud

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or whether we say

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you want to throw the playdough.

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They both help the child experience the be with attitudes

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and they both help the child feel validated

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even though they come out a little bit differently and

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they serve a little bit of a different purpose.

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So here's what I would challenge you to do.

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If you are reflecting feelings,

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make sure that you're reflecting an emotion.

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Avoid reflecting cognitions.

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And focus truly on

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an emotion

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so that the child builds an emotional vocabulary.

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That's why there's crossover with the reflecting feeling skill,

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because when you do it just to reflect feelings as a reflective response,

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it builds an emotional vocabulary.

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When you do it as part of limits,

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it helps the child feel heard.

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It's functioning in different outcomes.

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And then if you're going to set limits,

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you can address the need,

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the desire,

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the

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intention,

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the wish,

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because that is a lead in to the neutral limit.

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You really want to throw the playdough,

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but the playdough is not for the carpet.

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See,

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now that's saying,

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hey,

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here's what is

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the boundary,

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even though

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I get it that you want to.

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Versus you're proud

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helps a child connect emotional IQ,

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emotional vocabulary,

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and somatic and experience

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to an emotion.

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All right,

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so I hope that that helps make sense of that for you.

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I want to always try to be really clear

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and when I notice something that isn't quite aligned,

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it can be confusing and I wanna make sure that especially

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for those of you who are new to the field,

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that's not something that's tripping you up and maybe those

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of you that have been practicing for a while,

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you're not even aware that there's a difference.

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So trying to

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educate.

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All right,

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well,

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I love y'all.

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Thanks for hanging out with me.

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I am really looking forward to

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our questions this week.

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Uh,

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I've been getting so many questions and so I'm looking forward to diving into those.

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So we'll do those in future episodes this week,

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but

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happy birthday to all of you that have a birthday this week,

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especially the 28th or the 29th.

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Love you all.

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We'll talk again soon.

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Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr.

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Brenna Hicks.

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For more episodes and resources,

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please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.