202 | Bad Guys Play: Healthy Expression or Cause for Concern?

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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Your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered Play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode. I'm answering a question from Nada in Texas

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and her question is about a child who is fascinated by bad guys and bad guy behavior.

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So we're going to dive into that. I'm actually excited about this.

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This is a really helpful email that I got.

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So I'll read it and then we'll chat through that together

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before we do.

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You can find out about both of those

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Ok.

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That's all the housekeeping I needed to get out of the way.

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So let's read through

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Nada's question and then we'll kind of dive in.

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There is a six year old child who is fascinated by bad guys

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and negative behaviors like stealing and bullying

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in his drawings and his play, he often depicts himself as a bad guy or a bully.

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He has even expressed future ambitions of stealing

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from a bank and harming homeless people,

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which is concerning

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the child is described as socially awkward by his

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parents and friends and he struggles to make friends

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when asked what makes him sad. He typically responds that he feels lonely,

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given his fascination,

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I wondered if it would be helpful or harmful to encourage this play.

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For example, should the parents consider getting,

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getting him a criminal police kit

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or a striped T shirt which he associates with bad people attire

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that he will often include in his drawings.

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Additionally, I suggested that they might take him to places like escape rooms

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because he seems to enjoy mission based activities,

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possibly influenced by exposure to a game like GT about a year ago.

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That's Grand Theft Auto.

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Sorry for those of you that may not be familiar with that game.

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The parents are understandably anxious about

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these behaviors and fear for his future

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as well as social judgment from those around them, which has already been a concern.

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Thank you so much for the support you offer

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across social media and I appreciate any guidance.

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Ok, so Nada, thanks for writing this in.

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I think this is actually gonna be a helpful conversation for us to have. So

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let's start with, we can immediately see

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good versus bad theme

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and we know that children have to reconcile

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that it is not a black and white issue.

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Kids are often

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very concrete thinkers

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even though they are emotional beings, which I know seems like a contradiction.

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But what I'm trying to say is

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they believe that something is either there or not there, true or not true.

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And it's very difficult for them to resolve

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what they perceive to be conflicting truths.

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So you are either good or you are bad.

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But the reality of life and the world is that every person is a mixture of good and bad.

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So what will happen in play is that kids will work through

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good versus bad play specifically when a child has been branded or labeled

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or adopted an identity of being air quote bad.

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And this is the danger of a child interacting with

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peers and teachers and coaches where they get that message

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either explicitly or implicitly,

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they start to assume that they are a bad kid

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or they do bad things

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and therefore then he's constantly trying to resolve

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well, am I really bad? Do I want to be bad?

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Do I think that maybe I'm good? But how can I be good and bad at the same time,

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this is a very normal process that kids are working through.

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So the fact that we're seeing good versus bad play is very healthy and appropriate,

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it's essentially identity formation

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because what will happen is the child will start to realize no,

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I can be good and bad and I can make sense of that

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in my head through the work that I'm doing in my play.

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So we want to see good versus bad play in this scenario.

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I think that's actually really healthy.

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The fact that he is identifying as the bad guy

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is likely because he has been branded that way. But it can also mean

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that he realizes that bad guys have power and control.

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So if you are a bully, you have power and control.

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If you are a robber, you have power and control.

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If you are going to blow something up or if you're going to

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shoot someone or if you're going to do anything menacing like that,

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you have power and control. And we know

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that a power and control grab

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is a pendulum swing.

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My gut tells me that he probably feels very powerless

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and very out of control in his normal everyday life,

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potentially, especially with his social

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circles. And his peers,

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if he doesn't make friends easily and he doesn't really fit in,

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then he would feel very powerless

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around kids his age,

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he would feel very out of control because no one really connects

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with him and he doesn't know what to do about it.

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So you can see how a child

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playing out ideal versus actual

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is going to make themselves feel more powerful, more strong, more capable,

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more whatever.

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And unfortunately, think about

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the most powerful things.

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They're usually big and scary and mean

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and or bad things happen with them.

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Think about kids that play out being t rex.

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Why do they do that? Because it's the most powerful scary dinosaur that exists.

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Think about a child playing out Hulk. Why do they do that?

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Because Hulk is scary and strong and big and destroys things.

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So there's this sense of power and control

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with the idea of

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bad things happen

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when this person has the power and control. So this is all tied together

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and to answer your specific question about,

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should parents encourage any kind of play in

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this vein?

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I think it's important to recognize that when a

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child is working through themes in a playroom,

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we don't want

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parents to be trying to facilitate that at home.

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Parents are not equipped, they're not trained,

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they often can't handle play like that.

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And let's be really transparent here,

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kids are very protective of their family members,

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they're very protective of the people that they love.

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I would argue Nada,

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that the reason why he is playing this out with

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you is because he is keeping it from his parents.

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And my concern would be that if they tried to force this or facilitate this in any way.

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First of all, it wouldn't feel genuine

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and congruent. Second of all, I don't think they would be able to handle it

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because they are emotional about this.

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You already mentioned that in your email, they're concerned, they're emotional,

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they're worried about the social implications.

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So we have this notion that parents absolutely need to be supportive

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of the work that the child is doing

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but not try to create

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that type of play at home.

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So I actually would advocate against buying specific toys just so that

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he can play things like that out unless he's requesting them.

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I mean, obviously,

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if he says, hey,

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I really want handcuffs to play with at home

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because I can play with them in Nada's room,

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they could absolutely grant that request.

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But as far as intentionally orchestrating toys so that

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this play can somehow manifest itself at home.

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I don't think that that's helpful and I think the child would see right through that.

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Now, here's another thing that I'm hearing in all of this,

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this child has a huge lack of identity.

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And when a child is identity-less does not know who they are,

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does not know who they're putting out into the world.

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It creates division and disconnect with peers.

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Kids have a natural checks and balances system.

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They naturally slough off each other's rough edges.

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So a child that is

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too

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aggressive, too much of a bully, too pushy, too demanding.

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Kids don't wanna play with that child.

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Same with a child that's too shy and timid and reserved.

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Kids don't really wanna play with that child.

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So,

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what it does is it actually helps them to become a better

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version of themselves because kids naturally help polish each other down.

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Now, here's the issue though

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for a child that doesn't really know who they are

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and they're not really putting anything out into the world.

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No kid can connect.

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So it's like, I don't know who you are. I don't know if

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you're kind or not kind or aggressive or passive or

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there, there's a sense of I'm not sure who I'm trying to connect with

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and therefore the connection doesn't take place.

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I think self esteem work is going to be a huge piece of this puzzle for this child.

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So along that line of thinking,

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it would be really helpful if his parents

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were supportive of things that he's really interested in

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and things that would boost his confidence and self esteem.

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And again, he has to have buy in this can't be,

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I think it would be great if you started doing karate.

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Ok. If the child has no interest in karate

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that's forced and then there's no buy in. We want the child to start to feel

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a sense of self, start to feel a sense of identity and be proud

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of what he's capable of doing. So if a

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a scenario like an escape room would provide that for him.

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We do escape rooms as a family all the time.

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When we travel, we find an escape room wherever we happen to be in that city.

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And we do them as a family,

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we love them and they are challenging and they do make you feel proud and you know,

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you do get a sense of accomplishment

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at the end of that.

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So if that would be something he would love

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to do and would boost his confidence and self esteem

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and value, I would absolutely be supportive of something like that.

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So the goal is that parents are supportive of the work but not pushing an agenda.

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And

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you know, I heard several times in your email, you said that, you know,

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it was concerning the way he was

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playing and the parents are understandably anxious and

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they have already felt that there was a concern based on the social judgment,

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et cetera, et cetera.

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Let's go back to when kids say something or do something.

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It's not about what they say or do. It's about the why

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this child does not wanna hurt anyone. This child is not

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going to intentionally

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be mean,

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he's stuck and he doesn't know any other way to

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express the fact that he feels powerless and out of control

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and he's just unhappy and he doesn't really know who he is.

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We're always trying to look at the why and the rationale.

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So if we can normalize this to the parents,

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help them understand why this is happening

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and reassure them that this is appropriate and it's healthy grant in fantasy,

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what you can't grant in reality,

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the playroom is a special place where he's able to do things

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that he would not be able to do in real life.

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So this is practice ground.

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This is where he sorts through his stuff and

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then that starts to spill over into other environments.

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So, Nada, thank you so much for the email. I hope that that's helpful for all of us

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because we do have kids sometimes that play out and talk about

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really interesting things and we have to know why that's happening.

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Help reassure parents

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and help support the whole process not only clinically in the room,

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but also for the social interaction and the family

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dynamic and all of those considerations as well.

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All right, y'all love you so much. I hope that you have a lovely week.

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We'll talk again soon. Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr

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Brenna Hicks. For more episodes and resources.

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Please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.