New Year's Eve

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Speaker 1: On the Bell Cast, the questions asked if movies have women in them, Are all their discussions just boyfriends and husbands, or do they have in individualism the patriarchy? Zef invest start changing it with the beck Del cast. Oh man, yeah, let's find it. Let's find a good line. There's so many good lines. Wait, what about the one that Abigail Breslin says to Sarah Jessica Parker when she's like, you're just so moody and like possessive because you don't have a man and you're me the man in your life. I like the one where you're just so want to be a hipster who had is a heartbroken by the prompt? Oh wait, no, I know what My favorite line in my line, favorite line, and the exchange in the movie is okay, hopefully you remember the line store of talking about um So Caitlin, you're like a comic book artist? Do you like draw illustrate? Oh my god, I'm that was so aggressive. Welcome to the Bechel Cast. Well wait, wait, wait, which one was yours? Oh? My favorite line from the film The Prestige film from two thousand eleven, directed by Gary Marshall, New Year's Eve. My favorite line is let the best the JJ win And then everyone was like ha ha ha oh this what a what a happy almost new year everyone. Uh, this is the Bexel Cast. I'm Jamie Loftus, I'm Caitlin Darante, and this is our podcast about how movies fair when we look at them through an intersectional feminist lens, and folks, We're gonna have fun this week. I feel like we, uh, as as as an extended podcast family, have earned it. You know, it's been the biggest ship pile of a year on record, and it was that was a pretty competitive mark truly, So there's been some pretty shitty years in the history of the world. But you know what people were having a lot of optimism for was two thousand and twelve. Apparently there they made a whole movie about how excited we were for two thousand and twelve. Yeah, why wouldn't this movie have come out in like the end of nine, when like we were actually talking about like this new millennium. Why two k was a big thing? There was like so much maybe like two thousand, two thousand twelve was the year that some people thought the world would end because of the like oh, I forgot about the mine calendar thing. My theory was it was the entire movie was funded by Obama's re election campaign. They're just like right, I think they would have made a far better movie if that were true. I don't know. That's up for debate there. Uh, this movie has got off. Okay, so we're this is the Bechtel cast um. If this is your first episode, you know, maybe reconsiderate or or just hang out and see it's we're loose. We're loose today. But we're going to use the Bechtel test, I guess theoretically as a jumping off point for discussion, that being a media metric test invented by queer cartoonist Alison Bechdel, sometimes called the Bechtel Wallace test. There requires that, for our purposes, two people of a marginalized gender with names talk to each other about something other than a man for more than two lines of dialogue. Doesn't seem like it would be that hard. This movie really takes a long time to get there, really long. It does get there, and so it does, but it barely does anything. There's a whole scene in this movie where Sophia Vergara and Katherine Aigel, are just throwing eggs across a room. A feminist feminis n eggs symbolism. Okay, think about it. It's who we're talking about New Year's Eve, the movie that was supposed to get us all excited for two thousand and twelve. Do you do you have a history with this movie? Have you seen it before? I know I hadn't seen this before. Okay, I know I had seen the previous uh person cast Gary Marshall movie. I have seen Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day, sure, Okay, I have not seen that one either, Nor have I seen Mother's Day, which came out five years after this one, which is the like it's like an unofficial trilogy, because they're all Gary Marshall ensemble movies that are all bad. There's no way we were just talking about this off, Mike. There's no way Gary Marshall actually directed this entire movie. I feel like he hired ten assistant directors and paid them enough to not credit them appropriately, and then showed up for one. The true story of this movie for me is in the forty five minute blooper reel at the end. Uh, It's is pretty It's the most compelling part of the movie. I think Jessica Bielle gives a birth to two copies of Valentine Stand DVD in the blue on Blu ray Hello, because she's rich, which is which is why like her whole storyline makes no sense. Oh my gosh, no, now these storylines makes sense. I can't wait. This is like if uh, and we we you know, early in the cast we covered four years ago. At this point we covered Love Actually, And this is if I Love Actually, Like I don't even know, Like, if Love Actually got hit in the head really hard with the basketball, uh, the movie would maybe be something like this. It's trying to do the same vignette thing, but yes, instead of like would love Actually the vignettes makes sense, they're just generally pretty sexist and racist and dated. For this, these don't even make sense. That don't make sense at least, I mean, go back and listen to our Love Actually episode. We had plenty to say about it and like, it's very problematic in many ways, were not. At least Love Actually, though, has the ability to elicit like real emotion in audiences, Like people responded to that movie for a reason. I understand why people really liked it, like in a dated way, but like you're like, Okay, I I see, I see why people were into this at the time. No one was into this at the time. I think we're the first people that have watched it since it came out. It made Okay, it made a hundred and forty two million dollars at the box office. It was one I can't what else came out around that time that no one everyone had to go see New Year's Eve. Because that's actually a good question. My favorite fun fact about this movie is then it was nominated for five Razzie Awards and lost all of them to Jack and Jill uh Adam Sandler. Yes, um, so you know it wasn't even the worst movie to come out in that year. Um. It also has a seven percent on Rotten Tomatoes. And if you just like, if you look at the critical reception chunk on Wikipedia about this movie, it's very funny because like the quotes that get pulled about this movie are and like there's I mean, I'm just gonna read a couple. Okay. Roger Ebert, our favorite person, actually has something that we would agree with, says New Year's Eve is a dreary plod through the stands of time until finally the last grain has trickled through the glass of cinematic sludge. Shout up to sludge. How how is it possible to assemble more than two dozen stars in a movie and find nothing interesting for any of them to do? End quote Um Claudia Winkleman, not Claudia of BBC one. I have found the worst film of all time and it is called New Year's Eve period And then there's a couple more, but you get the idea. This is I mean, this is This is one of those things that it reminds me of the Lindsay Ellis did a video on Cats and like the sorts of movies that critics come together to just really take a gigantic dump on as as a as a professional exercise. However, this movie does deserve it. It's way more than Cats did because Cats was good. Uh, this movie is is really bad. Um. Oh another There's just so many This movie is just a list of moments. There's also scenes that seem like they're interrupted by another scene and then the previous scene just starts against Yes, I have I made a note of a few of those. They keep cutting too A montage that they just they should just let the montage play out, but Zecca Fron is taking Michelle Peiffer around New York City ever heard of it to like check off her New Year's resolutions from the previous year, and instead of again, instead of letting the whole montage play out, they just keep like dispersing little little bits of it throughout the movie, and it's like, this is so jarring and weird. And then they cut back to a scene that they had already, like the Katherine Heigel storyline, and it's like, just let one of these moments breathe for five seconds cut away. It's that's yeah, that that was the I thought the most agreed just went to where they cut out of the middle of a scene of Katherine Heigel and it's not John, it's not John bon Jovi. It's John bon Jensen, Jensen, Bun Jensen Jensen. Uh, but they cut out of the middle of it. And then it's like the weirdest part of most of that like thing that whole montage is that it's clear that it's just zach Efron doing a d R over b roll that they're not even there for there's like they cut to like just be roll of a water taxi and then you hear Zack got Frond saying and go in a taxi in New York with no traffic check, and you're like, so much of these scenes are a d r um. It's I had I had fun. I will say I was so frustrated because I like, I feel like I had to, like for a horrible movie, you have to really pay close attention to what's like. It took me a really long time because I had to keep pausing and because things keep happening, and you're like, wait a second, there, wait a second, why did they just take Hillary Swaying to the maternity ward was why is that happening there? Why is she in a room full of babies? And then it's over so fast and then you forget right away? How are you so normally? I watched the movie twice. I think normally you watch whatever movie we'recovering once. We both had to watch it an extra time, so I watched it three times. You watched it twice just because I also knew I wasn't going to retain it from the night to the morning, which is sad, and that is the mark of a really bad and really poorly written movie. Its like none of it sticks with you, and it's so jarring, and it like just gives you so much whiplash that you cannot piece together any part of the narrative, Like it just washes over you. It's so oh. Another one of my favorite bad lines is at the end the Hilary Swank ludicrous storyline, I'm like, what is gosh so weird? And then at the end ludicrous is fake family shows up And I've never seen an actor make it more clear that this is not his actual family because he because he like he walks towards these like these board children, right and he's like, hello, my little rugrats, Well you're not their dad. Also, why is Ludacris a cop, like an NYPD cop and not just like a he's like a lieutenant or something. He's like really high up in the ranks. Well this is this is Through researching for this very important episode, I did find out that Ludacris and Richard Pryor were cousins. Did you know WHOA? I didn't know that he's cousins with Richard Pryor and Monica the singer. Oh what a talented family. You know it turns out it's a dynasty. Um, but I'd rather see that ensemble cast movie like about a comedian and two musicians all in like all sharing a bloodline that's more interesting than whatever drivel we get with New Year's Eve. Richard Pryor is not available, Yeah, but Ludacris was available for this movie. He was so available. But even though he could be removed from every scene and it would be no different, there was at one point truly like there and and we'll get to the treatment of black and brown characters in this movie because it is real bad but just like the most poorly written you can imagine. But there was a full like ten minutes that I was convinced. I was like, is Ludicrous actually a ghost because he's just sort of like in these scenes with Hilary Swank being like it's gonna be okay, and she never asks him really anything about himself, And I'm like, is he like a ghost of New Year's past telling her to go to Robert? Also Robert de Niro is in this Oh, I will say, for a full disclosure, I went into this movie being like, there's gonna be one storyline that I'm just not going to pay attention to at all because there are too many, and so I was like, one's gotta go, and I chose as a character to pay attention during zero of their scenes. I chose Josh de Mel. Oh I didn't pay attention to a single scene that Josh Deml was in. I know he ends up with Sarah Jessica Parker, but I wasn't paying attention to Josh de Mel. I don't want to learn. I feel like I've gotten this far in life without learning who Josh Deml is, and I like, I just don't really want to know who he is Fergie's husband question mark. I think that's the main thing you need to know about it. That's not to see that. Wouldn't have expected that, Um, I didn't. I just was like, oh, I recognized this guy, but I don't want to look at him. Um. And so I ignored his storyline, but every all the other ones I paid very close attention. I'll fill in the gaps the Josh Jamal what's his name? Josh, I have no idea, I have no don't take my word for it. I literally fast forward it through his scenes. You not having paid attention to it, will not like someone who did pay attention to it will have no better understanding of what happens in his story than someone who did not pay attention at all. So you missed truly nothing. He's Tad Hamilton's and when a date with Tad Hamilton's. Oh yeah, he's in at least one of the Transformers movies and some other stuff. Who is this man? I'm just not interested? Um, I guess yeah, let's let's see. Let's see. Yeah. I don't know how to recap this exact in the year on the most difficult recap of all time. Okay, I mean it's not unlike Cats in that a bunch of characters just keep getting introduced and introduced and introduced, and then there's no story, and then there's a climax sort of and then it's the end. So it's really similar structurally to Cats if you think about it anyway. You gotta hand it to New Year's Eve. So again, this is like an ensemblement movie in the vein of love. Actually, it's trying very hard to be love actually and not succeeding, and that is embarrassing. But um, we're in New York City. It is New Year's Eve. Day. I think there are like seven main storylines, but then a couple of them kind of morphed together by the end, so it's sort of hard in a way that goes to be like wow, but it's this, This is like they're really reaching for love actually, because some of the stories intersect there. But it's like, and it doesn't work for me in that movie either, but this one is like, huh, why would you do that? It fails, We don't care, So it's worth mentioning New York City in a way is the main character is really the protagonist of the film. It's just kind of a love letter to New York. I love the part where Robert de Niro is like, ah, that New York Air. You're like, yeah, that's disgusting, that New York Air as it smells like trash all the time. It smells like something really wet that you can identify, like awesome. Yeah. They named all the segments, uh, really boring and that did you see in the credits where they're like resolution tour, hospital Story, Maternity, Ward Jensen and Laura's story, Ellen the Mother Daughter, a Hearn party, Times Square. This is so the pinnacle of creativity if you ask me, okay, so um. The other note about this is that I'm going to use actors names instead of characters names, just for the sake of clarity, because there are truly dozens and dozens of characters, um, and most of them are played by famous people, so that'll just make everything more clear. I'm also probably gonna, like accidentally or on purpose, leave some stuff out of this recap because there's just like far too much to even talk about. But here's the gist. So. One story revolves around Hilary Swank. She is the VP of the Times Square Alliance and she is in charge of the famous ball drop at midnight, she flips a gigantic light switch and that's her whole thing. But she has vertigo, so Chris has a cop right sure. Another story revolves around Zac Efron, who is a bike courier and he really wants to do some like big epic party for New Year's Eve that night with Ashton Kutcher, his roommate. With Ashton Kutcher his roommate, Um, he drops something off a package for Michelle Peffer at her office at a record company, and that turns out to be four tickets to this very exclusive party that Zach would love to go to, but she's like, get away from me, and then she quits her shitty job with her shitty boss, John Lisco. John Litco is the only person who knows what movie he's in, and he has such a fun performance. He goes like because she works at like a record that ahearn record company, and he's like, yes, you know, it's very not bad year for music, music piracy, blah blah blah. It's like, did you just skip over some of the script. And then when she says I quit, he goes, you can't quit. It's Grammy season. I was like, this is so vague. Michelle Phifer's wig is so distracting. Really, I'm like she we were texting about this last night. But it's like everyone in this movie is playing themselves except for Michelle Pfeiffer, who is like doing this character. Yeah, and okay, here's what's really did you get this sense to when you first watched the movie and you're first introduced to her character she has seen getting off of a bus. She's holding a piece of paper. It makes it seem like this is her like first time in New York because immediately after that she almost she like goes to cross the street and then almost gets hit by a cab and then has to like twirl around and then Pratt falls into a pile of trash. But then you find out she's lived here for years, right, So I'm like, why would you set up this character that way? Like that so much reads as like she just got off the bus in New York City where she's never been before, and she doesn't know how to cross the street or she doesn't know how to like navigate through the city. That's like a trope. Like you you see that shot and you're like, oh, I know what's happening, But then they make it they twisted for no reason. It's so weird. Like the way that this character is written is just like I don't even know if it's sexisty, I know, it makes no sense. I know, like I I guess it is sexist, but it's so nonsensical that you're just like, what were they trying to do? Even like she doesn't seem to know what her job is, or like she she doesn't I don't know what her job is, but she also doesn't know what her job is. Zach Efron comes to deliver her the mail every day, but he says he's a bike courier, not a male man. And then he says, I've seen you every I've brought you a package every day this year, and you've never looked at me, which is like, uh, if Zach Effron delivered me a package every day, I would like no, you know, and not look at anything else. I would be thinking about him constantly. And then she's invited to like this cool party, this like big record label party, the record label she is currently working at. And then he's like, oh wow, that's a really cool party and she's like, really, what is it. I'm like, you work here, what are you talking about? If it truly? I like that? And finally I like that Zach Efron's character's name is Paul. Paul. Here's a whole there's that whole thing where he sings that little song he goes, give all the chance to show you what I can do. It's like, what if his character's name isn't Paul? And he was just kind of guessing, Oh, funny, Sorry, this is a disaster. I know. Well, the record company that Michelle Peiffer works at is the same card company that is owned by Josh Dummel's character's mother and his storyline. His storyline is that he is trying to make his way to New York from Connecticut, where he like was just the witness of its friend's wedding or something on the morning of New Year's Eve. Sure, yeah, people have weddings then not absolutely made no assent, Like I just like, who are these people? Okay, we just need to get him. We haven't even gotten to Jessica Beale's unvaccinated fetus unbelievable. She an anti vaxer, big time anti vaxer. Very weird seeing her play a pregnant lady because you're like, this kid is in for a world of heart horrifying. She's bad. Well, Josh Jamel is trying to get to New York because he is giving a speech at an event which turns out to be the party that Zeke Efron is trying to go to, and he's also considering meeting up with a woman who he met last New Year's Eve, so that's his setup. Um onto zac Efron's roommate, Ashton Kutcher. He hates New Year's Eve. He's a grinch about New Year's here re arranges the sign this is happy New Year's even makes it say crappy New Year's Eve? Where did those letters come from? Where did the scene in the art come from? How did you get that? This is the worst written movie of all time? More like crappy New Year's Eve? Ashton Kutcher is so bad. I mean he's so bad and really honestly most movies. Um, but have you ever seen jobs, Steve Jobs? You've seen jobs there? Well? There there are a few moments in the elevator where he's channeling jobs. When he goes an illustrator, You're like, oh, that's like he's prepping for jobs anyway. Sorry, he doesn't want to do anything to celebrate New Year's Eve, and he's on his way to like throw out a bunch of New Year's decorations, but oh no, he gets stuck in his apartment buildings elevator with Leah Michelle. Is that how you say her name? William Michelle? Yeah, so we have in this storyline, we have, um, Leah Michelle, a confirmed racist, and Ashton Kutcher, an early investor in Uber and the worst actor of all time. And we're supposed to be like you should kiss and I'm like I need to get out of these scenes as quickly as possible. Uh So, Lea Michelle is on her way to be a backup singer for Jon bon Jovi a k A. Jensen bon Jensen, and he is playing the like televised Times Square Ball Drop Concert like Ryan Seacrest hosted, Blah blah blah that whole thing. He has a romantic history with Katherine Heigel, who is catering the Big A Hearn Records after party. That's with her co workers Russell Peters and Sophia Vergara. Yes, then we meet Sarah Michelle Geller. She wants to spend the evening with her daughter, Abigail Treslin. Sorry, you mean Sarah Jessica Parker. What did I say, Sarah Michelle Geller. I keep doing that and I literally named Sarah. It makes sense, that makes it. Meanwhile, Sarah Jessica Parker. I even have that written down and I still said the wrong thing. Okay. It took me a second to be like, wait, who is it? Then I couldn't remember Sarah Michelle Geller's Sarah Jessica Parker. Okay, we have to leave this in Sarah Jessica Parker wants to spend the evening with her daughter, Abigail Breslin, but Abigail is trying to go to Times Square with her friends and she wants to kiss her crush at midnight. Yeah. She also lifts her shirt in the middle of a train station in their first seen because reasons. I was horrified to see that. It is so weird. She's fifteen in this movie, and um, why do that it? It doesn't make sense for a character to do. It doesn't make sense for Gary Marshall to tell a child to do it doesn't even make sense for her character. She's not kind of like her character isn't like wooho, look at me, Like she's not an exhibitionist. He nothing about it. It makes any sense tracks And on top of that, it's like, yeah, why is a child lifting up her shirt and exposing her bra in public? And why is her mom not reacting to that? She her mom, well, her mom does say this isn't girls gone wild? And she like runs over to like she runs over to like cover her up, and I've seen that does tragically pass the Bechtel test. I'm just realizing that Leah Michelle's character was named Elise. Yeah, it's so weird. It's like some characters get full names in this movie, other characters don't. Like zac Efron is only known as Paul Um, but Michelle Peiffer is constantly referred to as Ingrid Withers, like her full name all the time, like why why, which I feel like it is, like, hey, audience, in case you didn't know, this is a character who is far far older than zac Efron. See she has an old person name Ingrid Withers, whereas he is young and cool, and therefore he is Paul. I don't know. I'm not sure rooting for them. So that's Sarah Jessica Parker, not Sarah Michelle Geller. So that's her storyline with Abigail Breslin. Then we cut to a hospital where Robert de Niro is dying. Halle Berry is a nurse who tends to him his nurse, his nurse who he thinks is his wife sometimes um. Yes. His dying wish is to see the ball drop in Times Square one last time with his own eyes. He wants to go up on the roof, but his doctor Carrie and then I'm going to have like a you and McGregor moment here because I don't know how to say his last name. He's the guy from what could be Princess Bride, Princess Bride guy. This okay, This whole thing with Robert de Niro is so vague. On the second watch, I was like, maybe I will figure out what is going on here. It seems like he is in the late stages of cancer. He has stopped refusing or he has started to refuse treatment, which does happen. But then he's like, I didn't. Do you think I came here because the hospital is good. No, I came here because I want to get on the roof of this hospital. And you're like huh, And then he keeps saying. It was like, on my second watch, I was racking up because his whole thing is he's like, just take me up on the roof so I can die, and it's this whole thing. And then when everyone's like why why do you want to why why? And he's like I'm an asshole or he's like I've been I've made so many bad choices. But he never says what any of those choices are. No one ever do we even did I miss something? Does he say what he did that was bad because he keeps being like, I'm an ass, I made so many mistakes and you're like, were you like fracking? Like what are you doing that is so bad that you want to die today? Like it's just so weird. Um. I don't think they specify. My impression was that he was just sort of like an absentee father and husband kind of person. It's the way he was talking made it sound like he had done something really or some like because if because like most maybe as a generalization, but like most parents who worked a lot aren't like I need to die right now because I feel bad that I had to work. Like it sounds like he did something bad. It sounds like he really fucked you. And I kind of him curious as to like what he did, because he's clearly racked with gilt over something. Right, But don't worry, he'll get a redemption arc because it's a holiday season movie. Maybe he was like Henry Kissinger's assistant or something like like something this man did something really bad. Otherwise he would not be telling anyone who will listen that he was a bad person and needs to die right now. I don't know, Well, something's going on meanwhile at the same hospital question mark Sarah Paulson, Oh yeah, I didn't even think of that. I think it's the same one, but I'm not totally sure. Um, Sarah Paulson and Jessica Biel are both extremely gregnant. And the thing with this hospital is that if you are the first person to give birth on New Year's Day, that family wins dollars from that hospital. And like, huh, is that is that a thing that happened? Maybe I don't know, um, but they are both vying for this grand and Jessica Biale is married to Seth Meyers. Sure right. There's also it's like a good like there's not one Like I would say, I would argue that if I had to choose a pairing and none of the pairing seth chemistry. But I had to be like, who has the most chemistry, I would honestly probably say Zach Effron and Michelle Pfeiffer. And that's not a compliment, like they don't have a lot of chemistry, but everyone else is just like they're just saying lines near each other, like I feel like everyone's missing each other's eyeline, And I mean and I feel like, yeah, that my my two bottom couples are definitely Seth Meyers and Jessica Beale horrible and who wait, keep losing track of who is even where? Oh? Aston Catcher and Lea Michelle those are my bottom right. I truly could not track the logic of that relationship. And then Sarah Paulson is married to I know is married to Till Schweiger, who I wrote down in my notes brilliantly. But he looks like he should be the villain of a National Treasure movie. So oh, he definitely does. Wow. I did not know who this man is. He is that bad. I have no idea who is. He's a German actor who's in some American cinema, but he's also in a lot of German films. Um, yeah, I recognize him, but I don't. I couldn't. I like had to look up his name. He I didn't like his character. His character was really aggressive. He also like runs a charm school. Randomly, like, why do we learn what his job is? It has nothing to do with anything. I did not. I didn't catch on the first one, and then the second one. I was like, why would you add this detail? The Yeah, he runs a charm school, which is like, um, I guess, but also he's not very charming, so I don't know, like what my my, I think one of my top worst moments of the movie is when so like it becomes this weird masculine race to who can get their wives water to break the fastest, which is first of all, a really gross premise for a vignyet and so it's it's like Till Schweiger and Seth Meyers being like, my wife's gonna water break any minute, and I'm making her eat an chovies and You're like, this is so gross. And then Sarah Paulson goes up to tell Schweiger and like apologizes to him because her water hasn't broken yet. I'm like, that's so bleak. She's like, I'm sorry, honey. I don't think we're going to get the money because I couldn't induce labor on command. Like, also, Sarah Paulson, did you feel I felt that Sarah Paulson's pregnancy looked extra fake, like way faker than Jessica Bale's. I don't know what, like, but Sarah pauls it couldn't have been clear to me that they just like velcrode something on it just like stuffed with lumpy pillow up into her shirt, Like why did she get a worse did they only have two? And then Jessica bials like I get the good one. I don't know. Sarah Paulson's looked super fake. Well I'm guessing like fifty of the budget went to paying bon Jovi, so I don't know shot budgensons. I can't get over it. Yeah, so yeah, she plays this is like early. I was trying to figure out is this um oh oh this wait, okay, I just learned something interesting. Oh please tell me. Sarah Paulson and Cherry Jones were together from two thousand four to two thousand nine, meaning that they were recent x's at the time of this movie. I don't know. That has nothing to do with anything. I just didn't know that. I was trying to figure out if this if this movie came out when Sarah Paulson was famous, or if this was a movie that she did, like right before she got famous, because she got famous doing like American Horror Story and stuff. But I don't know when that was. I feel like this was either right around then the cusp of them, or just like right before that, right it had to, because it's like there's some people it's it's really hard to because like these movies are so in the moment that it's kind of some people are bigger stars than they used to be, and then other people are presented as huge stars and now they're kind of not and so it's just very jarring, Like it's very much a time capsule of this is like peek Lea Michelle when now, like everyone this was like, so, I think we were supposed to be excited about that Katherine Heigel. It's always weird to be like and now it's Katherine Heigel and everyone was like, so what you know, but an other person who is who has ended up, you know, being exposed as as a villainous person. Oh no, what did she do? She was accused of a bunch of similar to Lea Michelle, a bunch of racist micro aggressions on the set of Gray's Anatomy, much like Lea Michelle did on Glee. So, um, yeah, I guess my apologist those people. Yeah, okay, so that is the setup for all of these storylines. Let's take a quick break and then we'll come back and see what happens next and we're back, all right, So here are the stories that unfold. I guess um, the pregnant women start to try to induce labor. I hate this scene with Jessica Bielle and the anchovy I'm all right, I just can't get over it, so nastysty bon Jovi, meanwhile, is trying to win back Katherine Heigel after bailing on their engagement last year, which we learn in very expository dialogue. It's so okay. That made me laugh so much because there he John bon Jensen is such a disaster in this Like he keeps wandering around being like I don't understand. Why won't you give me another chance? And then Sophia for Car is like, well what did you do? He's like, well, I proposed to her and then I immediately disappeared last year. And I'm like, well, of course she hates you. What are you talking? Rights like, I don't understand. He's like, she also two years old. I'm like, how could you not understand? She? Katherine Heigel is like I didn't even get to cook you one meal in our apartment together, and it's like women cooking, Like why would that be the thing? She says a chef, but yeah, she's she's like a fancy chef. But even so like that whole like, I mean, talk about two people that have no chemistry. Chemistry. Jon bon Jensen is struggling just to like seem like he is acting like he cannot act and he's trying so hard, and he's just something about the way he enters scenes I found very jarring and clear that he wasn't an actor, because he just seems like he's wandering into like a kitchen and you're like, get out, what are you doing in here? Growth There's a similar phenomenon happening with Ludicros, where like suddenly he just like swivels around in a chair and he's like Hi, That's why I thought there, Yeah, the musicians in this movie are really clearly musicians and not not actors. I mean, Ludicrous is being done a disservice. Everyone's being done a disservice, but Ludacris is being done an extra disservice. But he is like just kind of all of a sudden there he's just all He's just like Hilary Swank is my best friend, and she's afraid of heights, and as we know, I'm gonna I just the fact that he has a cop pick Hillary Swank up, and it's like, I love my friend and this is how I help her. I have my coworker pick her up. And you're just like, I hate this friends. Stop makes no sense. Um okay. Meanwhile, Abigail Breslin sneaks out of her apartment, and that makes it sound like she has her own apartment. She sneaks out of the apartment that she lives in with her mom, whose name is either Sarah Michelle Gallery or Sarah Jessica Parker. We don't know our character name, and we're not going to look it up. We simply don't care. She sneaks out and goes to Times Square and then her mom like tries to chase after her and figure out where she's gone. Meanwhile, Josh Dummel crashes his car and then has to hit your ride in an RV with a pastor and either the pastor or the pastor's his wife, horny dad making very gross comments the whole way. Um. Like, then, back in New York City, Robert de Niro is like expressing all of his regrets about not being a better person. It's all very vague. We're like, what did you do? I think he like he has to be like working high up in the government, and like I was gonna say, like he was he like the president of some like um could be Wall Street. Maybe they're in New York. I just feel like Robert de niro characters don't feel guilty over like nothing, you know, like he plays very hardened characters. Right, his character did something really bad. Maybe maybe he's playing the same character that he did in Taxi Driver and his character and Taxi Driver does some very fucked up stuff. That's the Canada. He's on his death bed being like I just want to see the ball drop with my daughter. Hilary Swank. So weird. The twist. Oh yeah, by the way, spoiler alert the twist, Hilary Swank is his daughter. Yeah, what does he die? At the end? He does, I'm pretty sure because she's like holding his like personal items, as if he passed away. That is so confusing because on the first I realized at the end of my first viewing, I'm like, I don't even know if he lived. At the end, no, I think he dies and then it's like the stroke of midnight or something like did he die on the roof, because that was the other thing. I'm like, Hallie Berry is about to lose her job. She lets Hilary Swank like abduct her dying father to bring him to the roof. And then Hallie Berry is like, I know, it's all good. She's like, I'm too busy. I skyping with common who's overseas in the military, who was nominated for an award for that yet I saw that, um, But so Hallie Berry is like whatever, but then yeah, it seems like maybe he possibly died on the roof. And then she had to like, what bring her father's right, and then just be like verd of all, Hillary's might be accused of murder if there is not if there is not good video surveillance of like what exactly happened, She's in a lot of trouble, true. But instead she's just pulled into a room full of infants and they're like, look at these Do you feel better? And she's like, yes, right, it's like her dad died, but now she's looking at newborn's. It's the circle of life. Some people die, some people are born. Wow. I yeah. And also I felt like there was just a weird element of and maybe I'm like overthinking a little bit, but I'm like, oh, nothing cheers up a woman like a room full of babies, because women be wanting babies really bad. There's so many like stereotypes, and we'll talk about them, but like women stereotyped in a particular way happens countless times in this movie. Yeah, um, okay, so what happens nex um zac Efron. He is taking Michelle Cifer all around the city to check off her New Year's resolutions. And then Ryan Seacrest as himself. Funny, He's one of the few celebrities in the movie who is actually playing himself. It's so funny. So like half of this cast has been canceled since this movie came out, Like it's like astounding. And then on top of that, Michael Bloomberg comes out and you're like shocking. Um. So Ryan Seacrest is like, all right, everyone, it's six pm in Times Square. Let's raise the ball so that we can drop it at midnight. So they go to raise it, but oh no, it's broken and it won't go up. So then Hilary Swain has to call someone named Kaminski, who turns out to be Eldo died and you're like, oh, I want so much better for him than this caricature of a of a character. Yeah, so Hector Elisondo shows up to fix the ball, and then Hilary Swank gives this like what is meant to be a moving speech that is televised across the entire nation. For some reason, everyone sees it in Times Square. At Times Square is silent captivated by Hillary Swank's speech. I also let there's so many like details of this movie, like in in Times Square specifically where there's like a huge poster for Sherlock Holmes Trunk of Secrets or whatever. The fun The second movie was starring Robert Downey. Oh, sorry, Sherlock Holmes A Game of Shadow. I was gonna call a Book of Shadows, but I think that might be the National Treasures. It is a Game of Shadows, Trunk of Secrets. It was all it's all the same, but they're they're like heavily advertising an extremely Sherlock Holmes A movie is actually what it's called disaster. Okay, so everyone sees this speech. Meanwhile, Leah Michelle and Ashton Kutcher have started to bond. They're about to kiss, but then the elevator starts back up again and she has to leave to go sting for Jensen bon Jensen. Also he's so rude to her. She she like, he's like, what are you a groupie? And like, uh, have some respects, sir. She's John Bond, Jensen's backup singer, like this is the worst of me. And he's like, I'm an illustrator, Like I did not want them to kiss. I was thrilled they didn't get to kiss, but they do later I know. Well. And there's also like it goes without like you can tell by looking at the poster and the year this movie came out that there's just like no consent in the entire people just like launching each other at each other's heads. It's gross to look at. I have a list of all the like the sexual harassment and sexual misconduct that happens in the movie. It's horror genuinely nasty. Yeah, okay. So meanwhile, zac Efron is really close to getting his tickets to this exclusive party, but then Michelle Phiffer overhears him calling her pathetic because he's screaming in an open room with three feet away from her. He's like, hello, I'm with this lady. She's fucking pathetic. And then she's like I She's like, I'm right here. I heard that. And he's like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. What are you doing? What do you think was going to happen? So she's like, I don't want to do this anymore, and he thinks that he blew it. But then he's like, I'm so sorry. I'm gonna make this up to you and I'm going to amaze you and and all of your resolutions are gonna come true and blah blah blah, all this stuff. Okay, the scene where he you know, the one I'm talking about. The scene where all of a sudden Michelle Phifer is in like Spider Man turn off the dark, like like they're just flinging her around the stage. It was so scary and it like made my eyes hurt to look at. Yeah, it was so like However, that was edited. I don't know if Michelle Peiffer was like, um, I'm not actually going to do that. You have to like green screening. But it like hurt my eyes to look at, and it hurt my head to think about, like why are they doing this? Why why, But it was also like it just felt so because her thing was like I need to be amazed. That was like her resolution. Her list is fucking ridiculous. It's so basic. It's like such basic white woman ship, and I'm just like, are you It makes just that character is so and also I feel like there is like some ages of met play and the way that character is written, because they're like like I feel like there is this whole element of like, look at this, like you are supposed to think that she's pathetic a little bit, oh yeah, but then we're like, oh wait, Paul thinks she's cool, so I guess she's cool. Like you're just like he validates her, and that whole I mean, none of these stories makes sense. But she's just like call she rents Paul for a day, which is not how bike couriers work. Uh, you can't just rent a bike courier for a day. But also he is already doing the work of a mailman, so we don't even know what's going on. He also has two bikes. He has a regular bicycle and then he also has like a moped scooter thing. This is why I'm very glad I watched this movie twice because I'm like, Wow, he seems to have a lot of money for someone who says that he does not have any money, because he has a gigantic apartment that he shares with Ashton Kutcher. They live in like a loft or something, multiple bikes. Like he's just like he's kind of like living. He's he must be from money or something. Well, did you notice this Whenever he goes into like the record company to deliver the initial package to Michelle Peiffer, He's just like seen going into their like kitchen and like other spaces like rifling through stuff and stealing it. He steals a bunch of CDs, and he like steals a bunch of like coffee creamer and stuff. I don't know what this guy's deal is at. I think we're supposed to think he's like scrappy in his twenties and like doesn't have a lot of money, but like that doesn't make sense. And also it's like that's sort of like I don't know. It seems like Gary Marshall wants you to believe like, oh, New York gets magical and like, you know, Zachary, but I don't understand how Paul has all these connections. They're like, he's like, I'm a bike career, therefore I can rig you up in the theater whenever I want. You're just like, no, you can't. Or like when he goes he opened that really jarring shot where he opens up a storage container and there's a luxury spaw inside, and it was like here here we are in Bali and you're like Meanwhile, Michelle Pifer is like, she's like, ah, we're in Brooklyn, the scariest neighborhood. I hate it here. It's so dangerous Brooklyn. And it's just like shut that whole her list. It was really funny too. I was like, wow, should we try to pull that list off next year? One like Save a Life? Like ridiculous, it's ludicrous, it's officer ludicrous, it's Lieutenant Ludacris. Do you okay? So then we find out that Hillary Swank is like planning to go meet up with someone that night, and it's set up for us to think that Hillary Swank and Josh Jumel are like meeting up with each other, but then it's not, because Hillary goes and meets up with her dad, Robert de Niro and She takes him up to the roof where he immediately dies. Where he dies, then the ball drops. Wow, Happy New Year. Jessica Bale's in labor. Yes, the Gragnant women are giving birth. Leah Michelle is singing old lang sign. Zac Efron shows up and hisses Michelle's life for surprise kisses her mind you launches himself at her. The god some of the grossest no consent like surprise kisses in the whole film canon here. I also think it's worth mentioning. Ashton Kutcher shows up to be like good luckily and Michelle, I'm your like loser boyfriend now the prize and she's like okay, but he brings this thing that I only recently learned about from a YouTube channel I watched. But like, he brings her this really weird dated item that's like a balanced bracelet that are like do you remember those They They were a thing ten years ago. I didn't know they existed. But he it looks like a live strong band, but there's like a little piece of stone in it and it's some It was some bullshit scam that they did in the early two tents where they're like, oh you balance better when you wear this thirty dollar bracelet that's just plastic. I know he references that, but I thought he was just making a joke where it's like ha ha, if you don't have this cheap rubber bracelet, it might offset your balance. I didn't realize that was a real thing, like a balance brace. Tragically, that was a real thing. Yeah, paging officer ludicrous, give what's going on? God? And I mean they're obviously like funck the myp D. But then at the end where the New York cops just started kissing people, you're like, what the fuck is going on? And it's happening. Well, here comes another surprise kiss. Abigail Breslin goes and like finally finds her crush in Times Square t Austin a Disney star or an Glodeon star. Yeah, I have I have no idea who that was. He was on Wizards of Waverley Place, okay um, But this other girl grabs him in surprise, kisses him. And then Abigail Breslin sees this and she gets sad. But then the boys like, wait a minute, no, I got surprised kiss you have it all wrong. I want to kiss you, and then he surprised kisses Abigail Preslin. Just she's wearing fingerless gloves for all of this. Oh I didn't even notice that two thousand eleven she is wearing fingerless clubs. Oh there's another just quick, this is uh. Seth Meyers and Jessica Biel comment. But one of one of my one of the most baffling line exchanges in the movie for me was she's doing yoga to induce labor. She just wants dollars even though they seem to have a ton of money right to pay off. Seth Meyer's student loaned it. Oh my gosh. So yes. So this is the scene where you find out that he's a horse doctor. He's he like walks and he's like, where are you doing yoga? Like stop? And then she goes okay, and then she she says, you are going to be a great vet someday, Griff, and then he says thanks, and then he makes a long joke about like, well, what if I married a horse, that I would be married to a horse, but I'm not. I'm married to you anyways, why aren't you in labor? And I was like, what the funk is going on? Here this is he's a horse doctor. He used to pay off his horse doctor. So in that storyline of the two gregnant women, we learn what both of their husbands do for a living, but we don't want anything about the two women and the husband's jobs are ridiculous. It's a horse doctor and charms school owner. Like there we we I'm trying to think. I'm like, we know what Hillary Swank does, we know what Katherine Heigel does. I would argue, we don't know what Michelle Phiffer does. Michelle Phiffer doesn't even know what she does. That's why she's full. I think she's the assistant to John Lethgo. But it's so vague that it really could be anything. We sort of know what Sarah jess I almost said it again, Sarah Jessica Parker does, because she's like a costume signer the Rockets Nic only in New York. I guess we know what some of the characters. It's just so like. But but yeah, it seems pointed that you don't know what the two of very pregnant people do for a living. It's almost as if to say, like, well, they are mothers, so they wouldn't have a career. Pregnancy is a full time job, so weird, but yeah, he needs to pay off his Also there's that Matthew Broderick cameo or first of all, is that just like a deal that him and Sarah Jessica Parker have, like you get both of us and they're like, well, we don't want Matthew Broderick and he's like, well, write me a scene anyways. Also his name is Mr Buellerton. Oh, Ferris Buellerton's day off? Maybe what a what a mess? What a mess? Um? Also pretty cool that Sarah Jessica Parker is like, yeah, my husband needs to be in the movie, but I'm not going to kiss him. I'm going to kiss Josh. Yeah, okay, So that brings us to Josh Dummel dumal whatever. Goes to the spot where he was supposed to meet this like mystery woman who he met last year. It seems like she's not going to show up, but then she does and surprise it's Sarah Jessica Parker and we're like, we're we supposed to care about this at all? No hard to know um, And then they kiss and we're like, whoa, I guess that's the end of the movie. It's Josh Is it joshd Mall's voice over at the end of the movie, because at the end it was like I believe, So that was confusing to me. I did not catch that the first time. I was like, And then at the end, someone just starts talking, I have no idea. I wasn't sure if it was him or maybe de Niro's ghost. So, oh my god. When when they literally I mean the way that all these storylines and are so sloppy, but when Hilary Swank leaves to go see if she's like, by Ludacris, has been fun being in this movie with you, and then he's like my little rugrats and You're like, stunt, don't weird? Weird? Maybe they are. Then I was like, what if those are his actual kids and they did one of those things. It's it wasn't yeah, yeah, yeah, who knows um, But I think that's the end of the movie. Then there's like this credit montage of mostly Zach Effron dancing, and then there's also bloopers, but then that's it. Did you find it really jarring in the credits where okay, it looked like the credits were like they put all the names of all the main actors, but they didn't put any of the names over the actor that they were talking. So it was I was like dying. It kept cutting like they credit like it was shots of zac Effron when they for ludicrous, it was shots of zac Efron. When they were crediting Liam Michelle. It was a shot of zac Efron. When they were crediting Jon bon Jovi, Like they put Michelle Peiffer over Sarah Jessica Parker. It was like it made that's like editing one oh one, and they fucked up cotting back to Zach Effron for everyone except for zac Efron, and that was John bon Jovi, Like this is so weird. Oh my god. Well that's the story. Let's take a quick break and we'll come back to discuss, and we're back back. I just wanted to shout out the blooper real one more time. Did you have a favorite blooper um? I mean, just because I love zach Efron so much, I was like very endeared by I think he has one or two little bloopers that gets snuck in there. He seems like he was really hamming it up. He really was oh he has, Yeah, he has one where he calls Michelle Schifer the wrong character name. Uh, and then he likes. And then there's another one where he likes. He's like talking into the phone to Ashton Kutcher and then he like does his line wrong and then he has to like kind of swivels around. He's like, oh shoot, So I liked those just because I love zac Efron. My favorite one was when Hallie Berry the Hallie Berry carry they're they're McGregor, so they're like they're walking down the hallway and Hallie Berry is saying he needs to be taken to hospice care, but she can't stop laughing. Uh, maybe made sense if you were. It seems like you had to be there, because it doesn't make sense to me why she's like, he has to go to hospice Like he's like, halle Berry read the room, Yeah you almost, and he's dying right. They should have included the context store for why she was laughing, but they don't, and then it just seems really insensitive, makes her seem really mean, like very strange. And and then of course Jessica Biel gives birth to a deep a widescreen DVD and a blue ray of Valentine's Day because this all takes place in the same expanded universe. Hilarious. I also wanted to shout out some of the cameo performances that we haven't already shouted out, such as Milana. I never ended up finding her. I was confused by the two, and I think it's partly because I don't really know what Alssa Milana looks like and I liked the same I'm suffering from the same thing. But she was one of the nurses in Robert de Niro almost called him Robert Downey Jr. God Trunk of Shadows. She's a nurse in Robert DeNiro's story. There's also um is it Yard Lee Smith? Rd Lee Smith? Oh? Wait Bart Simpson? Yes? Where is where is Bart? Or? Sorry Lisa Simpson. She's in the r V that Josh Dummel is in. Uh see why I fast forward at the Josh Dumel scenes for self care, so I don't know. She plays a very kind of trophy character where she's just like in love with the idea of love and she's just like, oh my gosh, tell me about this love story between you and this woman. I love love it sounds like season two of you. Um. There's also Nat Wolf from The Naked Brothers Band is credit it as waiter, which makes no sense to me because he would have been like sixteen, so that he plays I guess he plays a waiter. I don't know who that is, so I can't say that's okay. Carlage God, I don't think I have ever tried to say her last name out loud since the Spy Kids episode. But Carla Gugino, Yeah, yeah, yeah, a mom from Spy Kids, iconically, amongst other roles, is in it briefly. Briefly, she plays like a hippie doctor almost she's like an m D. But she also like does all this kind of holistic medicine approach. She's the one who pulls the DVDs out of Jessica Bale's vagina. Hilarious joke. We all love it. Um. There's also Penny Marshall is at the like record company party, and we see her being very mean to a service industry person. So that's cool. Um, let's see. Oh, Jim Belushi plays the superintendent of the building with the broken l e Vader. Yeah, and you can just tell like that whole thing that had to be just a whole day of Ashton Kutcher kissing Jim Belushi's ass in a really like in a way that must have been really embarrassing to watch, where he's like, oh my god, I love your work so much, so influential to me, and you're just like Ashton Kutcher, shut the funk up, challenge, calm down. Yeah, there's probably some other people I'm forgetting about, but those those are all the famous people, and of course Mayor Michael Bloomer and Mike Bloomberg as himself. Disaster. You hate to see it? You do? Okay, where should we start? Well? I feel like the one of the more egregious elements of this movie and movies of this genre, are how they treat non white characters. Only white characters get meaningful love arcs in this movie. I would say meaningful storylines at all. I mean, I guess so, but it's like, are any of these stories meaningful? I don't know, Like I guess complete storyline. It's like, um, because we have a few people of color in this movie, but they're all in supporting roles, mostly to support a rich white lady in dating someone or uh, well, I guess so. So Russell Peters and Sophia Rigara work with Katherine Heigel and they only exist to see what's going on with her and John bon Jensen. They don't get any meaningful storyline out of that. And then there's also Luda, Officer Luda, who is a friend of Hilary Swank and then is like, okay, like he doesn't need to be there. It's just weird that he's there at all, Like he I think we said this earlier, Like he could be written out of every scene and the movie would be kind of no different. He could also be a ghost in the movie would be no different. So that's not good writing for one of your only black actors in the movie. And then there's halle Berry in Common where halle Berry's story compared to all of like the white couples, is so depressing, like she doesn't get to go anywhere, she doesn't get to do anything. She has to just like listen to Robert de Niro'll be like, I've made so many vague mistakes. And then well, that's the thing. I wouldn't classify her storyline as being about her. She isn't in another supporting role supporting a white character, and then they do try to characterize her a little bit more, right, but that scene is like a minute, maybe it's an after I think it's like fully an afterthought, totally an afterthought. And the thing that they do to like try to characterize her further is just like introduce her in the context of like the romantic hetero relationship that she's in. So it's like, Okay, this isn't interesting or I mean, it could be interesting, but like nothing about it had been set up or really developed, and it just feels like very random and tacked on. Like I think what's what is more interesting about halle Berry's character is that she is like does not care about medical misconduct. That's pretty interesting. She's like kill Robert de Niro, cef I care, Like that's a better movie, that's a better plot. Like but yeah, it's like even they give her a partner at the last second for no ostensible reason. But even so, it's like you just see like a white couple mashing their face together in Times Square, white couple mashing their face together in Times Square, and then halle Berry has to hang out with Robert de Niro calling himself an asshole for two hours and then at the end they're like and halle Berry has a husband who's serving overseas and she's sad and you're like, fuck you, Like come on. They also make her like get changed in like a fucking broom closet, and then she has to like to zoom to zoom in another room in the hospital, like why doesn't she go home, like when we see where she lives. Like so it's it's like just everything you think it would be in terms of how this movie writes and treats their non white characters. It's aggressively says head or oh yeah. There's also with the two characters who are like in the Employe of Katherine Heigel, we have Sophia Regara who plays a character that she often plays, which is a non native speaker of English. Therefore she gets some like words and phrases wrong, and that's always played as a joke. I mean, that's like the story of modern family, isn't it. I don't know, that is very In fact, I was like she just playing that same character because it's the exact same thing. A lot of jokes are made at the expense of her not having the most fluent grasp of ish kind of thing. And she's also like oversexualized in a way that she very often is so well, which happens very frequently, Like it's just it's it's really frustrating, Like she a lot is made of her body, which is the same deal and modern family, and she's just very like dit see and oversexualized in a way that isn't just sexist. Is also like I mean, we've talked about this in past episodes before our our conversation in a Laddin kind of comes to mind of how black and brown women are so often oversexualized because tropes, and that is like kind of no exception in in this movie for Sophia Vergara. Yes, and then the other character who works for Katherine Hugel is Russell Peters is character, and he is made to do an accent which he does not have in real life. Nope, he is Canadian, He's Canadian. He has a Canadian accent. Um. This is something that a lot of South Asian actors in particular have to deal with Asian actors in general, where they are made to do an accent that they do not actually have. Usually for like comedic effect, and it's almost always racist. We just we we had our conversation about this on the Matren recently with the character I don't remember the name of the character heal from Princess Christmas Prince too, and this has been written about extensively. It's like a I don't know how much that conversation was being had in a public way in late eleven, but at this point, I mean, it's so so so agreed to us and absolutely not on the actor at all, because so many parts are written to these very racist stereotypes, and then the actor only gets so many offers for so many types of parts. Like it's just such an infuriateing cycle. Yes, Kalpen had a really insightful and frustrating Twitter threat about that that we will link in the description about the types of characters that he's been sent. And this seems like this character, Wait, what is Russell Peter's character even called in this movie, Sue neil Um, This character seems very in the South Asian stereotypes that like actors of South Asian descent who do not have accedence are constantly asked to play. Yeah. I would also recommend the documentary The problem with a Pooh. The hot comedian Hari Condobolu made which dives into this quite a bit. So it's on HBO Max for anyone who wants to watch it. Very insightful. Um. Yeah, So in general, like we can just basically sum up this movie as being like obscenely white. The only main storylines are given to white people. The only people of color are there to support the white characters who have more significant narrative arcs. Just like a very a lot of negative stereotypes right play with Um. I feel like Sophia Rigara and Russell Peters in particular, although it doesn't help that Officer Luda is with the ny p D, I don't love that. I also the shot I truly shocking at the end where New York cops are just making out with random people. I hated to see it. Well, let's talk about the sexual misconduct that takes place with any storylines. So there are many examples across many different storylines of characters harassing other characters. Or for example, Zac Efron, the moment he is introduced on screen street harasses like six different women. Yeah, within the first ten seconds of seeing his character Russell Peters to Sofia Regara, which plays into the over sexualization of her character. Um, he's like taking photos of her. She's kind of very excitedly jumping up and down, and he says, keep jumping. You're very sexy. Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy. Katherine Heigel also later sexualizes her again. Katherine Heigel is Sophia regards boss in this movie, so like to her subordinate. She's like commenting on the size of her breasts in a really inappropriate way. Russell Peters also proceeds to make several inappropriate comments to various women throughout the movie about like who they're going to kiss at midnight and other sexually suggestive things. We already talked about the whatever choice if I don't if this was in the script, or if this is something Gary Marshall decided should happen, or what exactly, But a choice was made for Abigail Breslin, who was a teenager she's fifteen child for her to lift up her shirt and flash her bra in a crowded public space for some reason. That's in the movie not just gross but also nonsense, as absolutely nonsense. Um, Jim Belushi is like, hey, Ashton Kutcher, you totally fucked Lea Michelle and the elevator right right, right right, Like that scene goes on for so long of Jim Belushi being like, you had sex with that hot lady wink wink right and you're like please, and it's like, is this I'm sorry screenwriter, Catherine, what's her day? Few game, few games? Something? Is this your idea of comedy? Which goes to show that even women can be terrible sexist screenwriters. She also wrote Valentine's Days, so the End of Yours Eve is the last like major movie that she has written, so you know, yipe swell, good riddance. And then there's also and we touched on some of these already, but there's also a number of surprise kisses where Ashton there's constantly They're constantly happening, Uh, Ashton Kutcher, surprise kisses Leah, Michelle, zach Efron's surprise kisses Michelle Pfeiffer. There's the several surprise kisses in the Abigail Breslin storyline. There's extras, surprise kissing, other extras. It's just constantly happening. It's so and it is also in addition, to this movie being horrendously racist. It is also the most hetero movie I've ever seen, just frustrating because they have I mean, it's like there, I don't know, I'm like why. It's like, you have, first of all, two queer icons in this movie, and it's like, come on, Sarah Paulson, why do I have to like anyways? But who's the other one, Cherry Jones? Oh wait, who's Jerry I don't know who Jerry Jones is. Sherry Jones is the owner of the record label, and she and Sarah Paulson used to date, but by the movie time this movie is shot, they're not dating. So you're like famining drama. They're not. They don't appear in a scene together, much like Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick even though they are married. I don't know, shrug um, but yeah, there are there are several Several of the stories revolve around a romance of some kind between Katherine Heigel and bon Jovi, Ashton Kutcher and Liam Michelle, Abigail Breslin and her crush Seth, Sarah Jessica Parker and Josh Jumal. They're all only Hilary Swank, who doesn't have a romantic storyline. Yeah, kind of, it's like Hilary Swank and then Ludacris is already married. Yeah, you find out Halle Berry has been married the whole time at the end, common the two pregnant women in hetero relationships. As everyone is, this is a New York City where only straight people live and mostly white people live, and we all love cops and we need to have a baby yesterday. Like it's messy. Um. Yeah, I think that they're we we've sort of touched on this, but I think that there's definitely some ages them at play with how Michelle Peiffer's characters treated. I didn't like that. I'm all for like, you know, like I I always think it's like a cool representation when there's an age relationship and the woman is the older party that I feel like a lot of them. But this is not the storyline that you're like, cool there it is, Uh, that's not this is not it because these two characters make no sense together. It doesn't like the huh what are they going to do? Like it doesn't make any sense. But I guess they're in love and so that's amazing Seth Meyers as a horse doctor. Um what else? What else is going on here? Yeah? It is kind of like it is. It was jarring to go down the list of main actors and and realize how many have been canceled rightfully so since since this movie was released. Um. Oh. And then there's just like the good old fashioned sexism in the movie. There's, for example, um, when Sophia Frigara tells John bond Jensen, Uh, that's what women like. We like to talk. Um some some classic, some classics out there. There's John bon Jensen's being baffled that Katherine Heigel wouldn't just give up her career to go on the road with him, and he's like, why won't you do? What's the big deal? Like women's careers are less valuable? Yea, at the very least she challenged. I was like, wow, I'm surprised this movie even had her challenge that, because she says something akin to like, I have my own life, I have my own career. I'm not going to drop it for you again. I'm going to focus on my own stuff and I love my career. And then because of that, he decides to cancel his tour, so I'm like, okay, I didn't expect for any of that to happen. That's like, which leads to one of the worst setups of the entire movie. Oh God, like where they're kissing, they're kiss kiss kissing in Times Square. Well, apparently John bon Jensen is supposed to be performing at midnight in Times Square and then she can Higgels like, wait, if you're not performing, then who is? And he's like, oh yeah, I forgot to perform at midnight in Times Square on New Year's Eve. And then Lea Michelle asked to come in and do do her a little thing Stan Lea Michelle so annoying. There's another really troubling thing about the Katherine Heigel Jensen bon Jovi storyline to me, and it is that you find out towards the end bon Jovie basically demanded that she get hired to cater this party. Yeah, which first of all, talk about like giving a woman imposter syndrome because she's she thought she got hired based on her merit and instead she got hired because bon Jovi threatened to not do the performance unless she catered the after party. That's so fucked up. He tries to save it by being like, I know you would have had a lot of offers, but I just you're like. And then the other very troubling thing about this is that she was actively trying to avoid him after he betrayed her, Yes, and he puts her in a situation where she is forced to be near him and come in contact with him, which is not dissimilar from stalking. And I totally agree he's treated as so cute for doing all of this too, like we're supposed we as an audiensor trained to be like, oh my god. I love how he keeps showing up. I love how he keeps, you know, like putting her like finances to revolve around this person that she doesn't want to be around for a very good reason. Uh. The and then that scene we're sitting on the hood of the car and he talks to Hillary Swank and he's like, oh, I'm so he's acting like he's twenty years old. He's girl, boy, screws it up. It's like, sir, you are fifty years old. You need to grow up, like and then Hillary Swank says you rock yeah, And then you got oh but yeah, sure, yeah, like you said, audiences have been trained to think that what he did was romantic and not very troubling. And that's also how Catherine Heigel reacts. She's like, Wow, you did that for me. You stalked me and gave me imposter syndrome. That's so romantic. I can't believe a famous guy made time should harass me all year, And that's exactly what he does. He basically just wears her down throughout the whole movie. Yeah, he keeps just walking into a kitchen. It made me really stress out. I was like, put on a mask, put on some gloves, like what are you doing? Get away from the food. You're dirty. Um. As much as I detest Ashton Kutcher, Leah Michelle, that whole thing that there's a lot of sexism at played there is well, he is like Mr. Nagging over and over like he for a groupie, and then only to reveal that he like is like a freelance like graphic designer who sucks at drawing that fucking thing they laser jetted off and Kucher is like, look at my art. You're like yeah, yeah, right, and then she says it's bad. But his whole thing is like he is just nagging her and then she starts to fall in love with him. I don't, It's just like garbage nonsense. They're like, we only have seven minutes to do this entire arc, and it's just and like two minutes of it are bent nagging Leah Michelle's character. Um, I mean she negs him back. So I guess there's that also not how not a good basis for a relationship. I didn't know for that that like the Boushemy test, if you apply the Bush test to that, that relationship in particular of just like if Steve bouch if you're sitting in an elevator with Steve Bushey being like, what are you some kind of groupie? Oh so do you want to kiss me? Or what? Like? It just does not It does not play, It does not work, and it's bad. Um, how about how about this? Abigail Breslin says to her mom, Sarah Jessica Parker, quote, you're clingy and mean, and it's because you don't have a man in your life. And then Sarah Jessica Parker, rather than responding meaningfully to this or challenging this at all, she nods in agree meant She's like, it is that she got me. That's why I'm trying to prevent you from going to Times Square of really dangerous area on a really dangerous day as a minor, because I need to date Josh d mel really bad. Um. Also, we didn't mention this. Her brother, Sarah Jessica Parker's brother is Zach Efron. That does that ever become relevant? No? It does not. Do they ever even appear in the same shot. I don't think that they do. Know they talk on the phone, They've never met. And Okay, I know that age gaps between siblings is a thing. I know that it happens. I didn't even thought about that. Sarah Jessica Parker is twenty two years older than Zac Efron. It's not impossible that they would be siblings. Maybe they're steps of I did find it to be sort of a weird choice though. Maybe there're steps of I don't know, could be half siblings. Maybe maybe they didn't even know who was going to end up, Like it's so much of this movie must have come together in in editing, Like who God, I didn't even think of that. Also, what a meaningless thing to do like that never comes back because he's like, He's like, well, maybe like if my niece calls me and says like her cool uncle, like, but then that never happens, so well he does. I think what happened there is that Abigail Breslin did call him off screen and for some reason told him where she would be, and that then he relays that information to Sarah Jessica Parker. But like she could have just like she found out another way where her daughter was, you know, she couldn't. She could have texted Piper's mom, who is another very trophy like woman character of the overbearing Muther. She could have just texted Piper's mom and been like where are our kids, and Pipers along to be like they're right here because I'm stalking them. Also, the just how that um Abigail Breslin and her crushed Seth, how that plays out towards the end like we already went over like the surprise kissiness of it all, but the way that they have that, even the way that Seth question talks to her is really weird. Where she is mad at him because he got surprise kissed, which is not his fault, but this movie says it is his fault, and he says, she grabbed me and she totally stole it from me, and then she's like, I don't believe you, and then he surprised kisses her. I just wanted to go through that dialogue because I'm like, the dialogue does somehow make a bad situation worse because it's just But the line I did like from him that was so clear, I'm like, oh, I a grown person wrote this, A grown person who has never met a teenager before I wrote this line. Was when Abigail Breslin's like, I'm sorry, Seth, I can't calm to hang out, and he's like, but Haley, half of the history classes going and You're like, yeah, teenagers do be saying that all the time, just like music executives are always saying you can't quit it's Grammy season. I have another really fun example of a person who hasn't been a teenager in many decades and who has never talked to a teenager since. So toward the beginning of the movie, Abigail Breslin is like with her group of like girlfriends and they're like, oh my god, are you going to kiss Seth tonight? Do you even know how to kiss, and then one teenager says they have a video on the internet that shows you how to kiss, and then another teenager chimes in and says they have two, one for regular kissing and one for passionate kissing. I'm like, are you trying to talk about YouTube? Are we like doing like a helicopter around the word YouTube and we can't get there? You know, the two YouTube videos about how to kiss us about kissing? Giant that down as well. I was like, teenagers, they're always watching those two YouTube videos about kissing. Oh, here's another example of the the writer not knowing anything about comedy writing. Josh Dummel, whose character's name is apparently Sam. We guess is that the like the exclusive after party and he gets surrounded by a couple of women who are like throwing themselves at him, and he almost looks to camera in like giggles, and he says, I'm a Sam witch because his name is Sam and he's sandwitched by a couple of women. And that's a joke there, That is what is meant to be a joke. The only good comedy in this movie is when they put Michelle Pifer in the Spider Man turn off the dark. Um like acrobat thing. I did laugh when Jessica Bielle says my water broke and Seth Meyer says all of it. I did laugh at that. So that whole scene is just baff like he's like, I'm a horse doctor, your water broke. What's happening? Like? I like the scene where Sophia Rigara and Katherine Heigl throw eggs again, the most feminist scene in the movie. And um, you know, we have to respect the symbolism. It's an allegory. It's a bad scene, but they are throwing eggs for the whole thing. Yeah, Hilary Swang saying you rock. That's exciting. That's great. Well, to jump back to the pregnancy storyline really quickly, a couple of things on that when they when they bumped, the when they push their pregnancies against each other. Yes, that's that's that definitely happened. And so basically the women and this is more Jessica beal antagonizing Sarah Paulson. But Sara Paulson seems very chill, like, she seems like she's being kind of like bullied by her charm school husband to participate in all this because she keeps being like, I don't really care, Like I just want to give birth to a healthy child, which like fair. There's that whole scene where her husband, Sarah Paulson's husband, she's like, Wow, we're gonna win grand and he's like, no, it's much less than that. That's not the amount. You're wrong. You're wrong, you're wrong, And we understand that it's because like he doesn't want to like reveal to this other pregnant couple that he's nagging his nine months pregnant wife. Ever we've seen they appear in to the point where she feels like she needs to apologize to him for her water not breaking when he wanted it to. Yes, and that is awful. Um. But basically, because these two husbands are very competitive about winning this money, which they don't seem to need because they seem to be doing fine financially, there's always going to be sick horses, that's right, um, But they're kind the competitive rubs off on to their wives, and then the women get pitted against each other in this pregnancy storyline. And one thing that I was like, okay, again, here's the movie doing the bare minimum. The two women do apologize to each other towards the end, but it just it was such a flimsy story to begin with that I I just hated like seeing the women pitted against each other and then like having to apologize for it because their husbands are like being just toxic and overly competitive and like almost having like a dick measuring contest about whose wife can go and labor first kind of thing. Yeah, it just fucking sun like. And then at the end where like Seth Meyers and Jessica Biel are like, oh, wait a second, we're rich, we don't need dollars. I guess we'll just give it to Sarah Paulson and the charms School guy because they already have children, which was another thing that they reveal that You're like, oh, I guess that would have It would have and helpful to know that earlier. Would it would have made the thing with the money make more. I don't I don't know, but I'm like, you own a charm school? Is the charm school failing? Like? What is that? What's happening? I don't know, I don't know. This last movie is so bad. It's so corrible. There's another really poorly done joke where the spy kids, mom, doctor, get her name. Um, she says to Seth Meyers because Seth Meyers is like trying to negotiate like a split of the winnings with her. Yeah, and she's not having it. And she says, you're dangerously close to a rectal exam and he's like, no, don't give me a rectal exam, because what's more humiliating than someone doing something to a man's like anus? It's exhaust day. I hate this movie so much. It's bad. It makes to be said to watch. I hate how carefully I had to pay attention to it in order to know what was happening. I don't know. I mean, maybe it was worth it to see Michelle Phifer flowing around a stage. Maybe it wasn't. Who am I to say? It's definitely one of the worst movies I've ever seen that it's just so expensive it maybe want to watch um. Every time Sherlock Holmes Um Trunk of Shadows popped up, I'm like, I would rather be watching this. And I know that movie is bad. I've seen it. It's simply a disaster. It's so here. I made a short list of the people whose talents were wasted in this movie because I think some of the casting was like, yeah, I don't really respect you as an actor, and I think you were well cast for this movie. But there are some people who are, like you just feel so bad that they're in this movie. For me, alle Berry is at the top of the list, Sarah Paulson, Hilary Swink, Hector Elizondo and I'll throw Zac Efron in there, I don't care, and Michelle Piper and I guess I mean Robert de Niro. Robert DeNiro. He's in a lot of shitty movies, but he's a talented actor. You do get the feeling that Gary Marshall bullied him into doing this, like someone owed someone a favor there maybe, like I don't know, because Gary Marshall, like he directed Princess Diaries, which is probably why actor Alixanda is there. He directed Pretty Woman, he directed Beaches, he directed Runaway Bride, like, he directed a lot of you know, iconic rom coms and then just like started making really bad rom coms. But r I P. Gary, Um we yeah you started strong and then there was a few weird ones at the end, but uh, yeah, what the fund is going on? Apparently. Jessica Biale, Aston Kutcher, and Hector Alexando are also in Valentine's Day, a movie I have seen but remember zero percent of the Only thing I remember about Valentine's Day is that Taylor Swift kisses Taylor a loatner because Taylor a lot nor only day it's other people Taylor. I love that for him. I think that I've gotten. I mean, I feel like we're leaving out or like just forgetting so much, but there's only we. I mean, it's so difficult to process everything that happens in this movie, so truly is Yeah, I I guess I just wanted to touch one more time, particularly on because Sophia Regara has been the center of a large discussion about the over sexualization of latin X women in particular for so long. There's a lot of different opinions on it. We are obviously not the two people to make any sort of judgment call on it, and it's something that I want to talk about with latin X guests in the near future view. UM, but I just wanted to shout out a couple of articles and UM we can link this in the description as well. UM. For some of them. I wouldn't even say it's like necessarily criticism, just several Latin X writers that have written about her career and the sorts of parts that she's played in the past. So the first one is from this year from in Pop Sugar by Jennifer Paula Varella Rodriguez. It's called say what you Want, but Sophia Vergara has broken barriers for Latin X people on primetime TV and beyond. Then there's also interviews with Sofia Vergara on this topic. One is in Vanity Fair back in seventeen with Johanna Desta. The headline is, and I would recommend reading the whole thing Sofia regarda to critics, what's wrong with being a stereotype. So it's a very large discussion that we'll be having with guests, but I just wanted to sort of shout out that there's a certain the notes of that in the part she's playing in this movie. Yes, yeah, I will have to check those articles out. Thank you for doing that research, Jamie and um. I look forward to having this discussion and greater detail and more depths in coming episodes. We're hinting at an upcoming episode. But it's a surprise, it's a secret, but it does pass the Battel test. It does past effectively, it does does it, oopsie, it does. Between a few different um Sarah, Jessica Parker and Abigail Breslin, we mentioned that scene that passes where Abigail Breslin exposes her bra, but the context of most of their conversations is, Mom, why can't I hang out with the boy that I like? Similar to the exchanges betwe between Katherine Heigel and Sofia Regara, where they have a few exchanges that are just like two line back and forth the technically passed, but like the context of most of their conversations are about Jensen. Jessica Biale and Sarah Paulson talk about their pregnancy competition. But they're Greg's, They're they're little Gregg's and but then also like their husbands are always like right there. So none of these passes. And I mean, I'd almost be mad if there was like a really like good exchange of dialogue that does pass the Bechdel tests in an otherwise terrible, terrible movie, because it feels like it wouldn't. This movie, this movie doesn't deserve. It mostly passes by accident, by accidents, by sure coincidence or mistakes, so spiritually it doesn't pass. Spiritually it doesn't pass. I'm getting this movie no nipples. I'm giving this like nothing, nothing for this movie. Yeah, the few again, the few, like bare minimum moments where I'm like, okay, at least Katherine Heigel stands up for herself and it doesn't want to go on tour because she has her own career, or like when the regnant women apologize to each other again, like it's canceled out by every other obscene thing that happens in the movie. So zero nipples, zero nipples, which is also what I give. The year gets zero nipples, zero nipples. I think that we actually kind of jinx stuff last year, because do you remember when someone sent us a clip of us being like, twenty two might be really fine. So I'm just gonna go in neutro. I'm gonna I find it best to have very low expectations because even if something not terrible happens, they exceed your very low expectations. So I'm going to go on record as saying will be the worst year in recorded history. I'm gonna have no take because thank you, it gives me stream anxiety. Um. Well that well, there's another year and that's New Year's Eve. So this New Year's Eve, please stay inside and don't want this movie. Here's the best way to ring. Please don't watch this movie. Yes, So we'll be back next year with lots of fun episodes, lots of surprises. Maybe we'll leave our houses this year, maybe we won't. Kind of just like a fun rolling of the dice. Um, but we'll be back with you. Thank you to everyone who's listened. Thanks for common hang for a fun end of your episode. And you can find us online by at Bechtel Cast, on Instagram, on Twitter we gave up on faith Bug. You can contribute to our Patreon ak Matreon, patreon dot com slash Becketel Cast. Five dollars a month gets you to bonus episodes plus access to I think like eighty other bonus episodes. Holy moly, that's right. Yes, And then you can also check out our merch store at t public dot com slash the Bechtel Cast. And here's something that I just want to shout out because people always ask us who designs our merch and because we never mentioned this, but it's all Jamie. It's me. Jamie does all the merch, it's me. So all those block letters, guess what is my little my little pause? What am I saying? It is me? Thank you? Uh? Do you wait, Jamie? Do you draw? Or do you ill? The the hubers of his saying that and then showing me the worship I've ever seen in my life, I swear to God. All right, that's twenty twenty. We love you, Happy New Year, and let the best the JJ win. Bye bye bye