149. Confidence will change your life ft. Tiff Baira

00:00:04
Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what.

00:00:16
Speaker 2: They mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here. Back for another episode. Welcome to the Twelve Days of Guests this December. Today we have on such a fabulous guest. I'm so excited and honestly, the origins of this friendship, the origins of this episode are kind of amazing, and I think really sure, like the power of the Internet TIF bearer. You would know her from Streethearts and ways see. Maybe you saw her on The True Baramore Show, you see her on TikTok. She's the queen of confidence and we're obsessed with her. Welcome tip.

00:01:06
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm so happy to be here. I know I've told you before, but I am your biggest fan. So I've been listening to this podcast for like the last year and it's helped me through some dark nights. So I'm so happy to be here.

00:01:20
Speaker 2: Wasn't it like the episode that I did on anxiety and.

00:01:22
Speaker 3: You were like, yeah, I still probably listened to that once a month, with that one night where I have too many espresso martinis. I always listened to that. I'm like, it's okay, like it's all gabba gamma.

00:01:35
Speaker 2: Oh my god, you know it's all gly to me. Gabba Gabba gabba. That is so funny. You definitely have listened to that episode. I need to listen to that episode probably a little bit more, because I was like, I went out me of the night and then I like woke up the next morning and I was like, everyone hates me and I have no friends. And I'm sure you felt that.

00:01:54
Speaker 3: And can we talk about how like as you get in your later twenties, like I'm twenty six, but when I was twenty one, I never had anxiety and like now I'm like, oh my, it'll lasts like five days.

00:02:04
Speaker 2: Y'all last five days. You're like, honestly, it's this weird thing where I think it's like you have more to lose. You're not like just like wowd crazy party girl, which is like kind of what I was at like twenty twenty one. Now you're like, oh, like what I say actually means something. I think it's like that frontal lobe developing and being like my actions have consequences, and so then you get like more intense feelings towards your anxiety. But then also your body just can't take the drinks as well as it used to, right.

00:02:32
Speaker 3: It cannot take it as well, you know, like I did a whole But what's great is like as you get older, the hope is that you have like really good friends around you. So like when you do the apology toward the next day, they're like, Tiviany's stopping ridiculous. You're literally fine, Like I didn't even know you drank, And I'm like, okay, that's what I need to hear. Yeah, So it's like you learn to surround yourself by people that have your back just as much as we should have our own backs.

00:02:56
Speaker 2: That's actually such great advice. We've like jumped straight into it. But I feel like I haven't even given you, like, let's talk about it. I haven't even given you an opportunity to tell the audience a little bit about yourself. I know I gave you a bit of an introduction, but in your own words, who is Ti.

00:03:13
Speaker 3: Yeah, Well, I'm tif Bear. I'm in New York City, and I've really kind of been sharing my experience of dating and being a dating coach for like the last three years on TikTok, which then led to me becoming an actual dating coach on a Roku show match Me in Miami, where I've worked with hundreds of singles. I have a practice where I work with singles, And really the difference between what I do and what some of the previous matchmakers that you've seen on the CNR is that my major thing is finding love while loving yourself. Jimma, I don't know about you, but like in my early twenties and even to now, it is a full struggle bust trying to figure out how to navigate dating while not being harsh on yourself and not blaming yourself for your dating life not always going the way you wanted to. So really, like the ethos of what I do is like how to enjoy being single, how to love yourself at the same time while putting yourself out there and realizing that like rejection may happen, but it's not a problem with you, it's a compatibility issue. So I help clients really just learn, like number one, how do I learn to love myself before going out into the dating world. Because if you can't tell yourself like what you deserve, build your standards, learn what actual love is for yourself, it is very hard to find it, and it also leads you to settling for the wrong people that may not treat you the way you deserve and calling that love. So we're in the business of building high standards, building high confidence, and working through the vulnerabilities and insecurities that I think we all have, specifically in our twenties.

00:04:43
Speaker 2: Honestly, that hits home for me because I think about people that I know who are like actively dating right now. I think about my pau self when she was actively dating, and how much I thought the way of the people treated me or the decision they made about our relationship reflected something deeper about myself. And now I realize, like being in a really healthy relationship, I am so glad that those people rejected me, because otherwise I wouldn't have rejected myself, and I would have like continued to pursue them for so long and I didn't like I deserve so much better. But it's so interesting, like how you don't realize that until you really start to like cultivate your own self worth.

00:05:26
Speaker 3: Oh no, I'm just to that. It's like I really do believe that, Like rejection is redirection, Like the people that are rejecting you are leading you to where you need to be, Like all the no's are leading you to your yes And like I think what you were saying it hit me too, because it's like a lot of times you like to reaffirm the stories we tell ourselves. So if we say we don't deserve love, you're going to constantly date people that make you feel unloved because you're already telling yourself that's what you deserve. So it's very uncomfortable to step out of that cycle of toxic guys or people that don't give you enough, because then you're saying, like, hey, I might I deserve but it's going to be uncomfortable to get there because you're kind of walking away from all you've known, and also.

00:06:05
Speaker 2: You're walking away from what feels really exciting, Like the chase feels exciting. Having someone who is like never giving you one hundred percent feels exciting because you're like, how do I get that one hundred percent, like I'm gonna fucking work for it. There's something about me that I can change, and once I figure it out, everything's gonna be perfect. But it's so interesting because it's like it's like what the fuck? Like sometimes I think back to you know, that experience, to myself, and I'm like, how like when you're in it, you don't realize that, like that excitement that you feel is really just anxiety and it's really just your body and your brain being like you should know right now that you deserve better, and with trying really hard to tell you that, Oh my.

00:06:48
Speaker 3: God, it's so true. I think, like what you're saying is so spot on. Where it's like back when I was first experimenting with dating with my self esteem was pretty low. I didn't meet people at the beginning who thought I had value. I felt like I had to prove my value. So now I'm always like, you're not doing a PowerPoint presentation, Like your job is not to convince or to persuade. They should already meet you knowing your value. You know, nobody walks into like nobody wants into Chanelle and is like, well, I know it's listed at two thousand, but like I'm just gonna give one hundred dollars. Is that okay? You know what I mean. It's like you are the cashier. You're the one that's setting the price, So don't set it for one hundred when you know the actual value. And I think it's very you learn that with time, I hope, and also with realizing that like the guys that treat you like shit at the beginning are going to treat you even worse at the end. You cannot change treatment. You can only change who's in your life. You know, if it starts bad typically, I mean I can't say like one hundred percent, but if someone's already not treating you with respect or the right way, it ninety nine percent doesn't get better, you know what I mean. You want someone that at first sight is excited about you, someone that already is ready to meet you where you are and knows your value without you having to prove anything.

00:08:06
Speaker 2: Additionally, you know ninety nine percent of those relationships end. But I saw this thing the other day that was like, with the love of your life really treat you that way? Is that really? Like this story you want to tell your kids, like, oh, when your daddy and I first met, Like he like ghosted me and ignored me, and like I used to beg him for flowers and he'd never give them to me, Like what a cute story. Kids, Like he.

00:08:29
Speaker 3: Had a roster of like three girlfriends I don't know, but like he would text me sometimes the four am, and I thought it was dromantic.

00:08:35
Speaker 2: Yeah, or like you know, he like told me that he was sleeping with other people and I just was like, all right, he'll change his mind, and then he did, and now I'm so happy. It's like, is that really how the love of your life would treat you if they don't know like from the get go, I don't know. I don't think that they like suddenly become more aware.

00:08:53
Speaker 3: Well you know, Jim, I think the biggest thing that allows us to make these red flags green is our fear of being alone. And I think that's one thing that I really try to encourage and something that I work with on myself, Like it's better to be alone right now than with someone that makes you feel lonely. I think that's something that I learned a hard way. When I was younger, I was like doing really casual hookups with guys that didn't deserve me, or just going filling my time to not feel alone. But what you're actually doing in the long run is going to make you more alone longer because you're not creating space for the right people. You're like basically putting bad boy band aids across your journey and you're not leaving space or some of that actually deserves you. So the biggest thing that I've done and have really focused on, if it's not one hundred percent what I want or what I deserve, I'm not going to just be like, oh, well, it's Saturday night, I had nothing to do. Let me like go get a free dinner with a cue guy, because I already know that that's wasting my time. Of what my goals are now, there's so many different goals. Like if that's what you want, absolutely go out and do it. Like I think the biggest thing, we all own our own dating stories, and you know, monogamy is not for everybody. If you want a dat a million people, go ahead, do things that make you feel good, but make sure that you're doing it to add to your confidence, to add to what you really want, and not just something to distract you from the fear of being alone because I hope that everyone starts to learn that being alone is a beautiful thing, Like being alone with yourself is the best company.

00:10:18
Speaker 2: Like what, oh my god, solitude is sacred. I always say that on this show, and I love that. I know solitude is so sacred. And not only that, like either relationship, be happy with yourself is the most important one. It's the only one that lasts your whole life. So it's so interesting that we don't take time to really cultivate it. You said something though, that I think that I really want to talk about today. If you are familiar with TIFFs content, the thing that I love about you is how like unapologetically yourself you are. You Like it's like this this aura of confidence that I think a lot of people are like, like I freaking want that, Like I want to knock give a fuck what people have to say. It just like can view the sense like this. It's just this charm. It's like so refreshing. Have you always been like that? Have you always been this like confident, bubbly person.

00:11:12
Speaker 3: Absolutely not. I think the biggest thing when I was growing up, I was bullied really badly, Like probably since I can remember, I remember like since kindergarten being called the fat girl like and it was always very isolating. And then I was like, okay, well, what's my social capital going to be? Let me just be funny or like really I had to build It's this really crazy thing when you get bullied when you're young, you start strategizing how to not get bullied. And for me, I was like, well, if I'm funny, if I talked to everybody I can, I can kind of fit in, right, But for my whole life until about twenty eighteen to twenty, it was about fitting in. I wanted to fit in, and I was trying to squeeze into this smaller version of myself and it was very uncomfortable. Because I started I kind of got to the point where it was like, I'm never going to be anybody else's idea of me. I'm never gonna be good enough for other people's standards, so I have to create my own standard. And it was this very freeing moment where I was like, okay, they're like okay, so the biggest thing now, like all my wheels are turning. What really set me free when it came to my confidence was relativity. Was understanding that there's not one way to be that that there's not one opinion that sets your worth. Like, you can have ten guys in a room, and one of them will think you're hot, one of them will think you're ugly, one of them thinks you like a stove lasagna, one of them thinks you like a honey baked tam one of if you thinks you're miss America. Right. So, once you understand that, you're like, why the fuck am I can I curse on here? Yeah?

00:12:39
Speaker 2: You can?

00:12:40
Speaker 3: Oh, Okay, I'm like, I'm like, why am I chasing all these other people's standards? Because then you're just wasting your fumes, You're wasting your energy chasing all these things, and then you don't know what you really want. So finally, after just being like, Okay, well I don't fit into this bubble, I don't fit into that bubble. I'm never gonna be this, I'm never gonna be that, let me like what do I want to be? And from there I've started this journey of just really exploring what I want. And I think the key thing, the key to confidence is exploring at first. Confidence is not something that just happens overnight and It's not something that lasts forever. You have to constantly be cultivating your confidence and I call it the confidence gym, Like you have to be lifting weights. Like there are times like micro things that I still struggle with. When I'm the biggest girl in my workout class, sometimes I still want to keep my shirt on and not wear my sport's brow and I'm like, why are you doing that? Is it because you really don't want to do that? Are you scared people are going to judge you? And then sometimes I'm like, Oh, I'm at this gala with billionaires and here I am like the trashy girl shaken ass. I'm like, I'm like, am I going to like pretend that my name is Tiffany Wellington the twelve? Or am I just going to show up and be proud of who I am? So, you know, I think the thing is is that never let other people's labels define you. And also, you can't the biggest. There's this great quote that I really hold on to a lot of time is no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. So when it comes to being confident, a million people might have opinions of you, but the only one that truly matters is your own. And at the end of the day, it's a simple question, are you going to let other people stop you from living the life that you want? Are you gonna let opinions stop you from being you? And it's either a yes or no question. And once you finally face the fear of realizing, like they just have opinions, opinions aren't going to kill you. Like I get hate comments all the time I've had an article, I have had threads of people saying how ugly I am. I'm still out here and I'm still having fun, and I actually feel more confident because once it's almost like, once you face your fear of being ridiculed for your size or for your thoughts or whatever it is, you can't hate someone that's putting themselves out there and that it's better to be on the court playing the game than being that it's better to be on the court playing the game than observing and talking shit. Those that don't do talk shit, So be someone that does, and mind your business and be the best version of yourself, and then you don't care what people are saying, because at least you're doing the things that you were born to do and that you love to do.

00:15:11
Speaker 2: I love that. That's like the pep talk that I honestly needed today.

00:15:14
Speaker 3: I'm like, yeah, okay, I'm like getting hyped doun.

00:15:16
Speaker 2: I'm like, let's go and come to our talk. I'm going to do one soon, like I always love to do it. I honestly like totally agree with that. The quote that always like sticks out to me is like, you are never going to be criticized by someone who was doing better than you. The people who are going to criticize you are always the ones who and if you think about it from your own perspective, like we all judge people at times, like we all sometimes like have bad thoughts about people that we see in the street. I'm going to promise you, like ninety nine percent of the time that you have a negative judgmental thought about someone else, that is you projecting the feeling that you're feeling about yourself. If you see someone you're like, why is she wearing that? Like, oh, like she her butt looks like kind of weird, that's because you would feel that way, Like that's an insecurity that you feel you would have in that outfit that you're projecting or if you're like, oh, like you know, her makeup, like doesn't look blended, like whatever. Ninety nine percent of the time that comment that you want to make about someone else is something that you feel insecure about yourself. And so I always think about that tip when I think about the comments that I also get. Mina often less about my looks and more about like my opinions, which kind of fucking hurts sometimes, but like I don't mind, but I'm like, you know what, I get it, Like, it's it's hard to put yourself out there, especially like online, and not expect some people to find that like uncomfortable because they're uncomfortable with themselves.

00:16:45
Speaker 3: Hurt people, hurt people, But you know what's going to hurt you more being afraid to be your full self. Like, I think what's great is that as long as you're trying, people can comment because you're doing something cool. Haters are actually a sign that you're doing something right. Yeah, And I think like once you're living your truth, like wearing that crazy outfit that you like, pursuing that job that everybody thinks is crazy to do, you really don't place as much value on their opinions because you start building the strength in yourself and it overrides everything. So I think to view confidence as strength that you constantly are building for me, Like the beginning stages of confidence are making choices that align with who you want to be. So even if like right now you're like, oh, I'm really shy, I don't like myself, I feel ugly, I don't think i'm spunny, I don't think i'm smart, you make the list what I would recommend, Like it's just truly a pragmatic thing that I still do is like a confidence check in. Write everything that you hate about yourself right now, and then you say, what would a person do that wasn't doing that? So like, for example, if you don't like that you always are wearing beige, you want to wear yellow, but you're so scared in your mind, be like, who is the type of person that wears yet Samantha Jones? What would Samantha Jones do in this situation? You know what I mean? So start to embody mentally the person that could do the things that you want to do and that are fearless. And then I think the biggest thing that has stopped my growth and what I've saw that has stopped a few of my client's growth is that it's the fear, it's not even the actual doing it. You spend so much time in this anxiety purgatory, just like envisioning how bad it's gonna be, but then when you actually do it, it's not even close. It's actually like everyone, I guarantee you if someone if you wear that yellow, you're gonna have twenty people come up to you and be like, oh God, you look great. You know, it's really our heads stopping us from being the version that we want to be a lot of the times.

00:18:44
Speaker 2: Well, it's the idea of like the what if thinking, which is like a huge sign of anxiety. If a thought starts with what if, it's an anxious thought, and the one that always comes up is like what if what if people don't like me, people judge me? What if they find me less attractive? What if they think I'm too much? And then you follow that with another what if? And this is how I always count of those thoughts, So like what if that person finds me less attractive because I decided to wear what I wanted to wear? And then you go okay, and and then what and then what what?

00:19:19
Speaker 3: What?

00:19:19
Speaker 2: Is the consequence of that, and then what happens after that, Well, then they don't find me attractive, so they don't want to keep dating me, and then what well, then you know, we break up, and then what you find someone better?

00:19:30
Speaker 3: Like perfect?

00:19:31
Speaker 2: If you follow like an anxious thought to its like logical end, you always like come out at a better solution, Like you always come out at a point where you're like, actually, this really doesn't matter that much, Like it really doesn't matter.

00:19:46
Speaker 3: I love that Tranathon, I always follow that too, And like on top of that, it's also just like when you're being your full self, you're going to lose a lot of people that wanted the wrong version of you, and you have to be okay with that. Like, you know, I've changed a lot in my middle twenties. I used to be the girl that was out and about all the time, partying all the time. And I woke up one day and I was like, you know, I want a real career, I want we real love. I want to feel good about myself. I want to feel positive. I just don't want to be the chaotic friend that has the funny stories, Like I don't want to live for the story anymore. I want to write my own story, and I did lose a lot of friends, and you know, I think one thing I really want to talk about. I feel like this is like probably the first place that I've discussed this, but it feels like the right place is that just because you're confident doesn't mean that you're not anxious. It doesn't mean that you don't have crippling self doubt, it doesn't mean that you are invincible. I have insane anxiety that I've struggled with for years, and you know, I think what gets me through all of these things is having these sacred things that I do that are just mine and it's like, whether people like me or not, these are the things that I stand for, Like, these are the things that make me happy to be who I am, and I think cultivating those things help you have that tenacity when other people's opinions get in the way. So the way that I think is like your reason for being alive, your motivation, and it shouldn't be chasing likes or opinions or validation or men. It should be like, I want to make this change in the world. I want to make this change in myself, and I want to love that's going to change me for the better. All the other stuff is just noise, and people can't take things from you that are simply yours. And that could be something as small as journaling I've journaled my whole life, or reading these books that you start your day with, you know. So the key to confidence in those small ways are picking things that are yours that have nothing to do with anyone else, whether it's meditating or things like that, and really embodying that as your identity outside of the world's noise.

00:21:51
Speaker 2: One for me is like boxing I used to treat it's really interesting when I was going to talk about it later, but maybe we talk about it now, like the interactions between like exercise and confidence. Previously, it used to be such like a one way straight for me, which was like exercise means weight loss means more confidence. And now I was talking to a friend about it and I was like, it's so crazy. How Like in the last couple of years, my relationship to exercise and physical activity has been more about like a way to express love for my body and a way to like see how my body moves and to treat it well. And right now I'm like obsessed with boxing. There is something so satisfying about like punching a bag again and again.

00:22:33
Speaker 3: Yeah, a jab cross baby, nothing better.

00:22:35
Speaker 2: Yeah, honestly, it's like it makes me feel so powerful. So it's like those little activities I think are amazing where you're like, this is just for me. I'm not trying to become like a fucking MMA fighter, Like I'm not trying to like become an author. I'm not trying to like become a writer. Like, I'm just doing this because, like you said, no one can take something from you that is truly yours and that is only yours, which I think is such a powerful way of putting it.

00:23:00
Speaker 3: Yeah, and you know, I think what you're saying, like with the exercise is so beautiful because there's so many different ways to do it. Like when you talk about confidence and size, I think there's no way to like have this conversation without discussing how how we view our bodies comes to play. Some of my clients that actually fit the quote unquote beauty standards so perfectly have so much insecurity, and then some people that have different bodies struggles or that you think would have different body starts are the most confident people in the world. But I think the biggest thing is that, you know, we all have different sizes, we all have different goals, we all view ourselves in different lights. But I think the biggest thing that's helped my confidence again as always being perceived as like the big girl and being put down for it a lot. Like I really my old perception when I was dating was like, oh my god, I'm so lucky that a guy would want to date someone in my size. That was really how I felt, And I think it's it's hard to discuss it, but I feel like at the same time, it's probably something that a lot of people, especially in their early twenties, deal with because you're thrown into this dating world. You don't have a lot of experience, and especially if you've been bullied, your self esteem is in the gutter. It is below sea level. So it's not wow, he's lucky to be in my life. It's like, wow, I'm lucky to even get a guy to text me at four am. I'm lucky to get a guy that will make me an option. But the biggest thing is like, we don't deserve just to be an option. We deserve to be the one. And the way to do that though is by setting that standard because you know, right now, I like, of course every day is a different day. With my confidence journey, I've kind of taken my whole identity outside of what I think men want me to be or what I think the world wants me to be. But you can't deny that. Like, it's sometimes challenging when you're not really like how do I say this? Like back when I back when I was really serial dating, it was about being sexy. It was all about dressing for the male gaze. And now I'm not really doing that. I'm wearing things that make me feel sexy, so I'm not getting as much you know, attention for men in that way. Actually, the last like five guys I've gone a date with, they like want to be business partners. I'm like, is this the energy I'm getting with my power? Serious?

00:25:20
Speaker 2: That is so funny, honestly, be like ysolte heere where we go.

00:25:25
Speaker 3: But it's again that thing where you're building that confidence of being like, I don't want to draw the like wrong people towards me. And if I'm you know, dressing in a way or doing things that don't embody who I really am, and I'm doing this because I think that's what they like. That's actually hurting your confidence in the end, because then you're not building it from a place of your own power. You're building it from a place of what you think others want.

00:25:47
Speaker 2: Well, I completely get what you mean. It's also this really interesting thing where it's like, especially if you as someone who perhaps didn't like people didn't really like show you that they were attracted to when you, like, you know, they didn't really show you like admiration or attraction when you were like in high school or even in college. Like I remember being in high school and like no one ever really like had a crush on me. No one really was like ever like, God, she's like attractive, Like no one really like flutted with me. And you know, all my other friends had like boyfriends and like little flings and like they had that like teenage love experience, and I didn't really have that the same way that they did. And so then when I like went to UNI, and then even when I like left Uni and moved to like a big city, it was like anyone who was willing to give me an inch was gonna get a mile from me, like I was like, yes, please, I'm like a freaking foster home, like please drop off your neglected male pets, like and I will, I will gladly take them because I'm I want intimidy and I want compassion. And then it's about being like you said this in terms of like showing up to your dates in power suits. It was like, all right, I'm gonna stop thinking that, like the biggest prize here is for this person to like me, and the prize is going to be for me to actually like walk out of that day and like myself. And I'm actually going to be thinking about whether.

00:27:13
Speaker 3: I like this exactly, Like you need to flip it to be like I am a judge on American Idol and they're a contestant, Like I'm I'm here to see if they're going to make the cut.

00:27:21
Speaker 2: Dance for me do a seeing to a dance. I need to be entertained.

00:27:27
Speaker 3: But I think a lot of people struggle, especially a lot of young women. It's like you feel like you have to chase someone in order for them to like you. And I think that all comes from the places of like this crazy bullshit timeline. You know, It's like you feel like you're missing out if you're not in a serious relationship by a twenty one or twenty two or again, like you said, didn't have that high school fling. That timeline is so fake and it doesn't exist, and you can still be happy being twenty six of the nice little puppy and going on dates and take time. You know, you don't become a surgeon after one day of class. Things good things you have to work towards. Good things take time. And yes, there's some relationships where you're meeting a cute supermarket and you find a love of your life and you're happily ever after. But for most of us, it's going through the ups and downs of the dating apps. It's going putting yourself out there. But every time you put yourself out there, you learn a little bit about what you want and more importantly, what you don't want, and the fact that you're walking away from the things that you don't want or actually making you a better version of yourself, because every time you say no to things that hurt you, you're saying yes to the future version of you and building a more confident version of you. Oh my god, I'm not screaming at you.

00:28:46
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I'm like, this is like really giving me a bit of a wake up cultive. I'm like overwhelmed, but also like the people need to hear it. The people need to hear it. I honestly think that, like we've spoken about this a little bit as well, but sometimes we worry about the people that are going to leave our lives when we start to embody confidence more. And for sure that does happen, like especially people in like who you're like kind of romantically invested in, who are like what do you mean I can't just walk all over you, like, oh god, but you will lose people. However, I think that I also was like quite bullied in primary school and in high school, and I've realized that nothing could be as bad as that, So I've kind of taught myself to like not feel embarrassment. And the moment that I stopped caring about what other people thought, especially people who didn't love me, and just let myself be authentic, suddenly I actually had more friends than I've ever had, and I had more people wanting to be with me. I felt like a magnet. It was kind of like the moment that you step into your power and are like, this is who I am. Either like it or I'm not interested. People love that that is so freaking magnetic and powerful. Like I think confidence is literally like life secret hack to attracting what you want. Have you found that, like in not just with dating, but like in your career and your friendships, et cetera.

00:30:12
Speaker 3: My life In the last three years since I again I told you, I had that epiphany that, like, I need to start being the real me and not chasing the things that are just temporary fixes I live. It's changed one hundred percent. Three years ago, I was a dish twasher, a hostess, a struggling model, and then when I started the TikTok journey, you know, my first few videos going viral. I was shocked and I and it was a choice that I was like, am I going to leap into this totally scary, unknown world and shoot for something better? Am I going to stay with my old ways that you know haven't done, aren't serving me anymore? Am I going to stay with that group of friends that are not serving me anymore? Or am I going to risk it all and try and the version of myself that I know I could be so I've always again making that even when I was in my early twenties, I just loved learning about people. And I think that's like a great tip that I could give if you're just starting to cultivate your confidence, If you just start to open the conversation up, you'll realize that a lot of people are not as scary as you built them to be in your head. And you'll also get rejected in the process, which will then make you realize that rejection is not going to kill you. Bib. You know, it's actually it's like exposure therapy. Like when you go get your latte, rather than having your headphones on and being like, you know, I'm scared, like that haparista, I don't know what to say. Say hey, be like, hey, thank you so much, this latte art is amazing, and then he'll end up talking about his dog or you know, you'll start chatting, and I think realizing that like again, you're on the same page as everyone else. There's no one better than you, and there's no one less than you, and treat people with that same respect will gravitate that same respect towards you. I think a lot of times it's very easy and I did this too, where like you know the cool girl syndrome where all those you know, you see these tictotrins of these girls. Especially now and now it is harder than ever to be confident because you're seeing the illusion of digital confidence that may not exist behind the screen. So I want everyone that is in taking content to please keep that in mind. You know that girl that's walking in the street as confident, you don't know who that really is. It's a fifteen second video and you can't build confidence in fifteen seconds, and anyone that's going to tell you that is lying. So the thing is how you start to build it over time. That's the thing. Give it time, Start talking to people, start being like, I have a story that I want to share, and I also want to hear other people's stories too, And then it builds this beautiful chemistry that then you walk through life not as someone proving but someone that's curious. And then again simple tip, people love to talk about themselves. You open that door and you're gonna make friends with everybody. And again, once you start talking to people, you're gonna realize like, I'm interesting too. So it starts. There's a lot of work that you do behind the scenes, right, like journaling your insecurities, like saying this is what I'm struggling with. I don't like how this looks, or I don't like how I say this. This is a lot of times we're hypercritical over ourselves and nobody notices these things anyway. But the second thing I would say, do a friend audit. If you have friends in your life that are talking down to you, making you feel like shit, are being like, oh are you gonna wear something like that? Cut cancels a lead that is truly poisonous for your confidence journey. So do a friend audit, and then be very open about putting yourself out there and putting yourself into new experiences. The things that scary you, you should go towards a little bit more, especially if it's like new activities, new friends, like join that kickball league, join a pottery class, write that fucking play, you know, the things that you've been putting off because you're too scared to do. Just start today, one hour, you know.

00:33:59
Speaker 2: Five, five, whatever, Literally just do it. Just do it.

00:34:03
Speaker 3: Sponsored by Nike.

00:34:05
Speaker 2: Yeah, sponsored by Nike, Just kidding. The other thing I always think about, which is more like this is like a mental I don't know if you do this as well, but it's like a mental exercise. When I used to like walk into a first date, when I'd walk and when I now walk into like a room of new people, I imagine this like big golden bubble around me, and every time I breathe, it like comes out of my heart and it's like this big literary bubble that everyone else can see. And I'm just like I'm just expelling this like insane magnetic confidence, like this confident force and that like visualization of myself as this like magnetic golden sparkling orb is so powerful and like just changing how I hold myself and the energy I give off and people respond to your energy. If that's why like fake it to make it so correct, like cycle, because people are going to mirror your behavior back to you. If you are telling them to treat you in a certain way. I eat as someone who is a confident person, they will do that. That's the only thing they have to go off is how the version of yourself you choose to put out.

00:35:13
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's a quote. In order to in order to in order to be successful, you must present an image of success at all times, right, that was like a business thing that I heard, because you know, I think it's very scary in our twenties because it's like we kind of don't know what the fuck we're doing, and we're supposed to have all this pressure to be like, oh, I'm going to get an A in my university and I'm going to go to this college and I'm going to get be a CEO by twenty nine, you know all that stuff, right, But I think the key thing, especially like if we want to like specifically target energy and business and growing that side of yourself, be prepared. And I think that's it in everything, Like I don't drink anytime i'm before, Like I will never drink before I'm filming the next day because I know that my energy will be impacted by a hangover. So the things that you really want in life, if you're given the opportunity, you have to make sure that you're ready. So that confidence, of course is a muscle that you build, but also there's micro habits that you can make that directly impact your confidence. You're not going to be confident if you're fifteen minutes late for the meeting you literally have a hangover from hell, you're you don't know, you didn't even read what this conversation is about. So fake it till you make it. Be prepared to fake it, you know what I mean, Like have the preparation done. And I think that's also really important when it comes to like your personal life too, where it's like, if you're going into a date, it's very easy just to like be just just scared of the situation, you know what I mean, and just like fall back into old habits. But like, again, what you're saying about that energy, Like I love how you visualize that, and I think it's so real and the biggest thing that I've noticed in my life now that I've started to respect myself, people respect me. So when I was like either getting like sloppy drunk on a first date or like kind of being all over the place in my work, you know all this stuff. Find out what giving your self respect looks like. I can't tell you what that is, only you can know what that is. But I know that all of us intuitively know what respect looks like to ourselves, like, and I think, yeah, while I give this advice, also know that it's such a fluid journey, and do not be overly rigid, Like you could be a CEO in the morning and kill a meeting, go on a date, go get drunk in order like taco bell the next day, like it's okay, But like also know like your higher goals, so know that growth. My growth has been very fucking messy, And I still don't have all the answers, but I think you can't. You don't lose if you don't quit. And like I have a lot of journeys that I'm still working with it with my confidence and with who I want to be, but I just know that, like I'd rather chase the dream than chase the wrong things that I know it don't serve me anymore.

00:38:16
Speaker 2: I think the things that we've talked about are really valuable for not just people like you, just people in their twenties, right, especially like women in their twenties, because this is everyone wants to be confident, everyone wants to have like these amazing relationships and whatnot, but like it's a lot harder to do it, and like having a bit of a sense of like how you can go about that just by by controlling something that is very much completely in your control, like your confidence levels, is like super super valuable. So I want to say thank you so much for coming on this show. Thank you so much for finding time to chat. It was honestly in lining for me. I feel inspired. I feel like I'm gonna go out and buy that this like outfit that I really wanted to buy. Yes, I would wear that. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'll wear it when I see you. I'll wear it out for donning with you. We look like hot. So thank you so much.

00:39:09
Speaker 3: Thank you for having me. Genma. You're a bright light to the world and you're helping all of us navigat our twenties. So I'm so grateful for you and thank you for having me.

00:39:17
Speaker 2: God, look at this positivity circle here. Also, if you are not following tip, what are you doing? What are you doing? Come on? She's so funny. She is just like hilarious, confident, magnetic. She posts so many like good little nuggets of information and also just like really like high quality content. You obviously do Streethearts NYC, which is like your matchmaking show. You post tips for people who want to model. You just post like New York tips, anything that you need. She's a big sister she's your New York big sister, she's your confidence big sister. So go and give her go and give her a follow, and as always, if you enjoy the podcast, please feel free to give a five star review. Wherever you are listening right now. Make sure that you're following so that you know when new episodes are coming out. If you have an episode suggestion, please follow us at that Psychology podcast or just follow us because you want to, because we share behind the scenes, video content, anything, everything over on that platform. So it was so great to have you here, and as always, we will be back next week with another episode.