276 | Following a Child's Lead vs. Returning Responsibility: Knowing the Difference

Play Therapy Podcast: A Master-Class in Child-Centered Play Therapy

In this episode, I answer a question from Sandi in Iowa about how to respond when children ask or tell us to do things in the playroom. Whether it's a power and control need, learned helplessness, or collaborative play, understanding the why behind the request is essential for responding in a way that aligns with CCPT principles.

I break down when to comply (such as in power and control play), when to return responsibility (especially in cases of learned helplessness), and when it's appropriate to engage in collaboration without violating CCPT adherence. If you've ever wondered whether you should follow a child's instructions in session or redirect responsibility, this episode provides a clear framework for making those in-the-moment clinical decisions.

Play Therapy Podcast Meetup - RICHMOND, VIRGINIA - March 7th, 2025 at 6:30pm RSVP here: https://www.playtherapypodcast.com/meetup

LIVE, APT-approved Advanced "4-Pillars" CEU Training (Reflecting Feelings, Choice-Giving, Encouragement, Limit-Setting) Series Starting Friday March 28th Through April 11th, 2025

PlayTherapyNow.com is my HUB for everything I do! playtherapynow.com. Sign up for my email newsletter, stay ahead with the latest CCPT CEU courses, personalized coaching opportunities and other opportunities you need to thrive in your CCPT practice. If you click one link in these show notes, this is the one to click!

If you would like to ask me questions directly, check out www.ccptcollective.com, where I host two weekly Zoom calls filled with advanced CCPT case studies and session reviews, as well as member Q&A. You can take advantage of the two-week free trial to see if the CCPT Collective is right for you.

Ask Me Questions: Call ‪(813) 812-5525‬, or email: brenna@thekidcounselor.com Brenna's CCPT Hub: https://www.playtherapynow.com CCPT Collective (online community exclusively for CCPTs): https://www.ccptcollective.com Podcast HQ: https://www.playtherapypodcast.com APT Approved Play Therapy CE courses: https://childcenteredtraining.com Twitter: @thekidcounselor https://twitter.com/thekidcounselor Facebook: https://facebook.com/playtherapypodcast

Common References: Cochran, N., Nordling, W., & Cochran, J. (2010). Child-Centered Play Therapy (1st ed.). Wiley. VanFleet, R., Sywulak, A. E., & Sniscak, C. C. (2010). Child-centered play therapy. Guilford Press. Landreth, G.L. (2023). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship (4th ed.). Routledge. Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group. Benedict, Helen. Themes in Play Therapy. Used with permission to Heartland Play Therapy Institute.

2025-03-05 11 min Transcript

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Transcript

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi,

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I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode,

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I am answering a question from Sandi in Iowa.

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And her question is about

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how we handle when children ask us to do things for us in the playroom,

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and I think I've touched on this a couple of times,

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but I don't know that I've comprehensively addressed this in the coaching,

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it comes up a lot.

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I think on the Collective calls it comes up a lot,

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but I don't know how in depth I've gone into it on the podcast.

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So thank you so much,

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Sandi,

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for the question.

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However,

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hang on before we dive in,

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a couple of housekeeping things.

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Number one,

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This is your last chance to RSVP for the meetup.

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So if you are going to be in Virginia,

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last chance,

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playtherapypodcast.com/meetup,

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you have to RSVP.

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I need a headcount and I have to

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solidify everything for that.

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That will be this Friday,

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the 7th at 6:30 Eastern.

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So that was issue number one,

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issue number 2.

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I am very excited to announce

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that.

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March 28th,

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April 4th,

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and April 11th,

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3 Fridays in a row,

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I am presenting

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Advanced Pillars

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with Corwell.

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So

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for those of you that want to do a really deep dive into the four pillars,

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this is for you.

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This will be 9 collective hours of CEUs approved by APT through Corwell.

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It will be 3 Fridays in a row,

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3 hours each day.

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We'll do reflecting feelings.

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One week we will do limit setting one week and

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we will do choice giving and encouragement the third week.

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So if you would like to get CEUs,

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if you would like to partner with

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me in Corwell in getting CCPT training,

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please go to playtherapypodcast.com/4pillars as in the number

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pillars.

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Here's why you're going there

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because

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March 10th,

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which is in 6 days,

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today is the 4th,

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March 10th in 6 days,

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the price is going up.

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They are running a sale right now for

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my podcast listeners and my coaching members and my

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Collective members.

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So you have until the 10th,

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if you want to save money and you want to attend,

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please go to playtherapypodcast.com/4pillars,

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and you can either do the bundle of all 9 hours or you can do

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1 or 2 or 3 of the individual

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trainings.

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So that will be March 28th,

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April 4th,

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April 11th,

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3 Fridays in a row.

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I know you all are wondering,

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OK,

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well,

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is this going to be appropriate for me?

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So I'm really new to the field.

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If I haven't done basics on these pillars,

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is advanced training going to help me?

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Yes.

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If you're on the other side of the camp,

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I've done your coaching,

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Brenna.

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I'm a podcast listener.

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I'm a Collective member.

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I've

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done a deep dive into CCPT already.

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Is this going to benefit me?

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Yes.

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My goal is that this will be in addition to any training that you've already taken

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and or this will be a foundation for you if you're getting started in the field.

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So I actually do highly recommend no matter where you are in the journey,

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this would be helpful for you.

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I'm going to dive into stuff that I've never covered before.

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I've never taught it in coaching.

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I've never talked about it on the Collective.

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This is brand new content.

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So if you

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need CEUs,

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if your renewal's coming up,

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if you just wanna hang out with me for 3 Fridays in a row,

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which would be so fun.

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You can sign up for that.

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I'm really looking forward to it.

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There's also a pre-recorded option,

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so if you can't attend live,

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you can still have access to it pre-recorded,

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but I would actually love to have you on the call.

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So

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those are the two housekeeping tips.

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Now we'll move into Sandi's question.

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So,

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let me read parts of her email and then we'll dive in.

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You talk about how kids are working through a pendulum swing,

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which I definitely see in my work.

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I see kids come in with high needs for power and control,

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and it plays out with them telling me exactly how they want me to do something,

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how they want me to say something,

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etc.

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Then I see the pendulum swing to where they are much less controlling and demanding.

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I see fewer corrections of what I'm doing or how I might say something.

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When they begin to swing and tell me things like which color do you want,

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or you pick out something that will be stolen today.

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Do I adhere to the model of returning responsibility with,

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oh,

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you know,

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in here you get to decide,

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you choose a color,

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or you know

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you're in charge in here,

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so you get to choose the stolen goods.

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Is there a point where we follow the child's lead and

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make those types of decisions because they have learned greater frustration,

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tolerance,

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and ability to manage their anxiety,

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or do we adhere to the model and return responsibility

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regardless of what progress we see the child has made?

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I think I might know the answer,

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but I want to hear it from you.

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OK,

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I always find it really funny when people ask me a question and go,

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I know what you're gonna say.

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So I'm like,

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then why are you asking me?

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OK,

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no,

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but Sandi,

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I really am glad that you emailed because this

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is gonna be so helpful for so many people.

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So even if you think you know my answer,

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I will either confirm or deny what you assumed.

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So.

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Here's where

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this falls and and kind of how we make sense of this.

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It's really not so much about where the child is in the pendulum.

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Because yes,

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early on

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there's likely going to be dictatorial power so it's going to be power and control,

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demanding authoritative,

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just you know you have to do and say exactly what

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I want when kids are in power and control grabs,

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we

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acknowledge that they are ordering us around

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and then we do what they order us to do.

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So

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you are telling me that I have to get up right now and go grab that for you.

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If it is rooted in power and control,

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we comply because that's their need.

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They need to order you around.

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They need to have control and power over you.

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So it's not so much about the pendulum,

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even though we will see that earlier on and then we will see less of that later on,

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it's really not about the pendulum,

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it's about the why.

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So if it's power and control,

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we

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do what we're told after acknowledging that they're ordering us to do it.

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Another option is learned helplessness.

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So will you get that for me?

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I can't do it.

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Can you help?

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What is that called?

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How does that work?

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Can you open this,

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those types of learned helplessness responses,

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which

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often when a pendulum swings in your description,

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they are more gentle,

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they are less demanding,

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so you might at a later point in therapy,

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have a kid that

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will be more gentle in their approach.

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So they might say,

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do you want to pick that?

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OK,

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that's different than learned helplessness route.

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If the why behind them telling you to do something.

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I

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learned helplessness.

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I can't do it.

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Will you get it?

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That's too high.

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I need you to help me.

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I don't know what to do.

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You have to do it for me.

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If there's a learned helplessness,

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we always,

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absolute on purpose,

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return responsibility.

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Regardless of where they are in the process,

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regardless of how the pendulum has swung,

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if it is a learned helplessness route,

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we always return responsibility.

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Why?

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Because the child needs to build a self-concept.

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The child needs to know that someone believes in them.

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Someone implies that they have the capacity to do this.

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Learned helplessness,

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we will always return responsibility regardless of where we are in the process.

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And then another reason why kids will sometimes

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tell us or ask us to do things is for collaborative type of play.

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When it's a back and forth relational collaborative kind of scenario.

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So,

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you're throwing a ball back and forth and the ball's near your feet.

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If we're really rigid and we're really trying to

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look at it legalistically and say never do for

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a child that which they can do for themselves,

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well,

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I shouldn't pick up this ball even though it's right by my feet

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because that's doing something for a child they can do for themselves.

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But if you're tossing a ball back and forth

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and it's collaborative play and it's relational engagement.

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It would just be

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natural and appropriate

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for you to grab it because it's by you.

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And then you toss it back.

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And

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another similar scenario

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is a child will collaboratively

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Involve you.

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In other words,

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both of the little girl's hands are full.

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She has

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I don't know,

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glue and scissors in one hand and she

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has construction paper and pipe cleaners in another,

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and then she says,

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you grab the scissors.

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Well,

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I don't know if I said scissors were in her hand,

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but whatever.

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You get the point.

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So both of her hands are full,

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and then she says,

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hey,

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will you grab the such and such for me?

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Or,

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hey,

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you,

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you grab those two things,

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we could say,

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oh,

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you'd really like me to grab that for you,

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but that's something you can do.

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But we're missing the why.

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The why is my hands are full,

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it makes sense that you would collaboratively help.

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It's not because I don't think that I

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can't do it.

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It's not that I'm ordering you around,

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it's just collaborative in nature.

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And so if that's the why,

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we typically want to say,

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oh,

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you'd like me to help you with that.

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But it has to be rooted in that

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cause.

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So,

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Sandi,

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thank you for the question.

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I hope that that helps tease apart the different

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reasons why kids will tell us to do things.

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And this really is a clinical judgment call.

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We have to know the child,

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we have to know their root issues,

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we have to know their thematic and symbolic play.

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And we need to have our finger on the pulse of what's driving the request

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and therefore then we can adjust accordingly

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so I don't think there's ever just a blanket rule we

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always do what we're told or we never do what we're told

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it's much more nuanced than that.

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It's actually very much a clinical in the moment decision.

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Why is the child ordering us around and then

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what would be the most therapeutically helpful response?

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So Sandi,

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thanks a lot for your question.

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I hope that that's helpful to a lot of you because we get told to do lots of

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00:10:09,950 --> 00:10:11,830
things in the playroom and sometimes it's tricky to

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00:10:11,830 --> 00:10:14,419
know exactly the most adherent way to respond.

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All right,

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so if you would like to reach out to me,

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I'd love to hear from you,

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brenna@thekidcounselor.com,

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and

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I am traveling this week to Virginia,

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so

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I will

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return on Sunday and looking forward to

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the Collective calls and the coaching calls again.

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It's going to be cold in Virginia,

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y'all.

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This Florida girl is gonna be very cold,

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but I'm excited about that.

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So I will

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see you when I get back.

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We'll talk soon.

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Love y'all.

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Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr.

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Brenna Hicks.

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For more episodes and resources,

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00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:55,510
please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.

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