Andrew Neil: A story of mental illlness, courage, and hope

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world one story at a time. Hi, I'm Tony Mantur.
Welcome to Why Not Me? Embracing Autism and Mental Health Worldwide.
Joining us today is Andrew Neil. While returning to his parents' home,
he crashed into an illegally stopped vehicle. Ten days after
the accident, while recovering at home, he had the first
of many psychotic episodes that changed his life forever, as
he stabbed his younger brother through his arm. He spent
seven months in a jail cell and was found not
guilty by reason of insanity. He was then committed to
the Virginia State Hospital System for a period of three
long years. His inspirational journey is one of music, writing,
children's books, and all the things that keeps him hopeful
for a brighter future. So before we dive into our episode,
we'll be back with an uninterrupted show right after a
word from our sponsors. Thanks for coming on.
Yeah, I really appreciate you're having me and during stuff
like this it's important.
Oh it's my pleasure, and I do agree with you.
It is a very important subject to talk about. So
if you would tell us a little bit about yourself.
Well, long story short, I had a traumatic brain injury
in two thousand and nine with a car crash. I
suffered a TBI and after that, right after that, I
started having trouble like mental illness, you know, and I
would seek treatment and stuff. But long story short, one
time I was like in a manic episode and just
raising thoughts and I punched the walls in the house
and my brother came down and it was like, what's
going on? And there was a knife on the counter,
and I thought he was an imposter wearing a suit.
So I stabbed him and hurt his arm, and then
the cops came, and that kind of started my journey
as far as being incarcerated for something that I did,
like in the spor of a moment, in the course
of like a minute, you know, it really changed my
life forever.
So after that incident, what happened next?
So like about nine months and a little jill twenty
three hours a day.
So after all that happened, how did that affect you
and change your life?
Sometimes it's kind of like, you know, as I look
back on the dark crowd, I see the silver lining
because it lets me appreciate things like being able to
go outside or drink water, you know, drink some tea.
You know. It just makes me appreciate the little things
in life when you have been kind of locked up
like that, you know. But another thing too is I'm
a musician and artist and I write songs and stuff.
And after I got out of jail, I went to
Western State Hospital and Stanton and I stayed there for
about three years, and then I got conditionally released. And
then now I'm doing pretty good in society and I'm
knock on wood, I'm very stable. I have a good balance.
So was it the accident that you was in that
started this whole journey down this path for you.
The dramatic brain injury.
Yeah.
Well yeah, that was in two thousand and nine, and
it was relative things and I was, you know, sometimes
I would take med sometimes I will I didn't think
it was that serious, but it was pretty serious, and
I you know, I would have psychotic breaks. But now
I'm on good some good medicine and very stable. And yeah,
that kind of really kind of definitely set off the
avalanche about some of my my struggles with mental illness.
Okay, so how did they go about treatment? How did
they figure out what was going on with you so
that way you could get the treatment and everything that
you needed so that way you could move forward with
your life.
Well, I would say the at Western State I had,
I had some really really good doctors, and I was
very fortunate to get care of a lot of people
don't don't get the care that I got, you know,
I was very lucky and blessed. They actually did some
exposure therapy kind of go over some trauma that happened
to me when I was little, and that really helped
a lot. And then also they used some different medicines.
But the one day set al On was claus are real.
That's really been very effective for me. But also I
started to exercise again. Growing up, I played football a lot.
I got some concussions, and they say that that might
contribute to to some of the problems I was having.
You know, I actually got a scholarship for lacrosse at
West Point, but I dropped out because of some just
depression and stuff. So exercise really helps as well as
my treatment. And I read a lot like self help books.
To answer your question, the treatment was really it was
a combination of therapy, medicines, exercise, and mindfulness, you know,
and also I've always been a positive person to just
have a positive outlook online.
So something like that. Of course, it affects your family,
it affects your friends. So how did they handle it?
Did they get behind you and support you to help
you get through it all? What was going on through
their minds during this process?
Yeah, it was tough though, you know, really really tough.
At some times. They found some support groups with like
with Nammy and stuff bad, but it wasn't always easy.
You know, there's a lot of stigma still have passed
with them's illness. So they never gave up on me.
You know, there is some times in the hospital when
I was struggling, and you know, and even the doctor
said they didn't know if I was ever going to
get better.
Well, it's absolutely good that you did. So what do
you do now? Looking at what you're doing, What does
your life look like day to day?
It's pretty good, it's pretty balanced. I exercised a lot,
I read a lot. I do a lot of chories
around the house. My parents sometimes go to Florida, so
I take care of their house when they're gone. I
see my doctor every month or so. I'm in the
process of my work. I write children's stories and poetry.
I actually have teamed up with an illustrator from Boston
and we're going to start illustrating some of my stories.
That's kind of cool.
That's very cool.
And I have a band called Code Purple Andrew Neill
and Code Purple, and we have our stuff on Spotify,
all originals that I wrote, and we practice every now
and then we get together and practice. We actually played
in Charlottesfield. There's this thing called Fridays after five. It's
like downtown. It's a pretty big deal. We played there
last year, so that was a pretty cool thing.
Yeah, it's great that you can be creative and still
do what you want to do.
But I do a lot of chores. I really try
to pull my own weight my pay rent and I
do a lot of chores around the house. And I
also have a cat and she's very therapeutic too.
We have an So yeah, that's just so good. Animals
are very therapeutic and just help so much. Now, with
everything that you have going and it's a lot, what's
your future look like? Do you have any goals and
plans that you're thinking of now?
I just took it day by day, and I do
have a vision for my feature, which is important. I
think with mental illness, perspective is key. A lot of
times people are so even myself included, I was so
caught up and looking back at the past. You know
that I never moved forward. But now it's like my
perspective is on the moment and like I have hope
for the future, or you know, I'm looking forward to things,
and I think that's really heat of mental illness.
Absolutely. So, when was it that you got your first
diagnosis to the point of where you started seeing what
was going on and figuring things out so that you
can move forward with your life.
I guess it probably I don't know. Maybe it was
a long journey. They had ups and downs. There was
times when I was, you know, self medicating because I
had a really bad VACUU injuries. There were times during
the opiate crisis when but I guess when I was
really starting to feel good. The pandemic threw a monkey
in my ranch. But I think that did a lot
to everyone. I guess sometimes it's almost like I also
had non hopin fin foma. No it's a cancer free now,
but that was five years ago. But I guess the
illusion I'm gonna make is kind of like sometimes with illness,
like you get better, you know, and you're doing really
good for a while, but then it's like you go
back into remission. As far as me now, I think
answer your question, I guess it probably took about, you know,
twelve years to get to this level of kind of
awareness and this level of kind of knowledge of this
self awareness and to really self actualize myself and not
be who society or like wants you to be, but
just to be my true self. You know, there's a
quote saying, you know, the world will ask you who
you are, and if you don't know, the world will
tell you. So the world's not telling me who I
am anymore, and I'm just I'm answering that every day.
So it took a long time. I know, times relative,
but it's almost like, you know, the Israelites in the desert,
I was wondering for a long time. You know, it
took them like forty years. So I'm thirty six now
and I have a lot of forms under my belt.
But one thing about me is if I make a
mistake or something, I usually tend to learn the hard way.
But once I learned something, I tend not to repeat it.
Yeah, that's great. Now, I've talked with several different people.
They talk about their daily struggles and of course what
it takes them to get through those daily struggles to continue.
Do you have those daily struggles that you have to
work through to maintain so that way you can keep
moving forward?
Yeah, I mean definitely. There is uh at Western State
a very nice that and m Sharih always says, you
make the weather where you are. Sometimes though, there's some
storms that we have no control over, like and I
think a lot of it really with me, I think
I've really got the psychological stuff down, but sometimes especially
with the head trauma, and I really think sometimes it's
more of the physiological, you know, stuff that I might
have to deal with sometimes, just like maybe a little
bit of social anxiety here and there, and I just
you know, got to ground myself. And I write poetry
that's kind of how I make sense of the world.
And they're really short ones that the people can memorize.
I can memorize them. But to answer your question about
how I deal with my struggles, just really the social
anxiety and fear of trusting people, you know, me, me, me, I,
I I like too much of these words, and peace
starts to die. So it's like sometimes like the way
the peace from me is like I try to focus
on I do focus on myself sometimes, but I try
to care about and love other people, and that really,
you know, it's in giving that we receive and it
really just helps, you know, when you have that mindset
of just trying to love other people.
That's a great way of looking at things because even
though you have daily struggles, you can work around them
in the way that's most comfortable to you.
Yeah, there is daily struggles. But you know, like I said,
every now and then, I always kind of remember my
past and my scars and where I came from in
that jail cell, and every day out of theirs is
a gift from God. And there's some people that weren't
as virtune of me that are you know, things could
have turned out way different. By God's grace, it didn't
and I got a second chance on life. So some
people aren't as you know, some people are going to
be there.
You know, yes, you are very correct. There are many
people that are not fortunate enough to be out of jail.
And because you had things that worked out, it's giving
you a better life and also a lot of hope.
And it's funny, you know. I watched this documentary on
ESPN about these people in San Clentin that ran a marathon.
It's said that the US has just five percent of
the world's population, but it has twenty percent of the
world's incarcerated people. So yeah, it was just it was
pretty interesting. But another thing too, is to get back
to your question about the daily struggle. Even people that
don't have mental illness in this world, in the climate
of this world today, I think everybody is struggling, And
the biggest thing, I think just to trust that to
have like your circle of comfort, and to know that
people love you and that you love them, and that
you know your cat loves you and you love your cat.
Just the little things. When you lean on the little things,
the big things don't crush you. You know.
Yeah, that's a great way of looking at it. Now,
when you have a bad day, how do you cope
with it? How do you get past it? That way,
you know that you can sit back at night and say,
you know, I had a bad day, but that's okay,
Now I've got tomorrow.
Yeah. Well, there's different avenues. One, you know, physiologically, you know,
you can take like a PRN and supplements like l
finding is found in greteen. I think I might be
punct it right, elf finding. It's like an amino acid.
It's found in green tea that that helps calm you.
And take a warm shower, take a break from other
people for a while and go out into the woods
or just deflate there. And one thing too, is I
read a lot, and I read and this does go
back to your question about how I deal, how I
kind of hope is I read about Muhammad Ali, and
he would the roky dope and sometimes, like on the
early rounds, he would just lay on the ropes and
let the person, you know. So sometimes I do that
with my mental illness, you know, in some days when
it has the upper hand, I just lay back on
the ropes and kind of just let itself punch itself
out and I know that this too shall pass and
then I just move on from there. Kind of over
simplifying it, but yeah.
All that matters is that it works for you. Now,
are you looking at doing applicating at all?
I really think eventually I want to. I want to
start doing that. I live in Gordonsville, Virginia, and in
Charlottesville they have this thing called Blue Ridge Clubhouse and
it's a pretty good place. Monday through Friday, they have
different groups and workshops. So yeah, I think it's important
to know that you're not struggling alone.
So yeah, absolutely. And plus you have the lived experience
of what you've been through and how you live your
daily life and how you're living it now. So because
of that, do you have anyone that reaches out to
you that may need some help, that needs a little
guidance and possibly a little mentorship that you can give.
Yeah, I definitely have some friends, especially from when I
used to live in a group home in Charlottesville. I
still stay in touch with some of the people from there.
One person in particular who is really kind of going
through some things right now, everything that's going on in
the world, so I can't really put the board's probably
what's feeling, but just a tough time right now forms
and he has you know, mental illness too, so yeah,
just being there for him and uh, but I really
do think some of my poems really do kind of
help people.
So yeah, that's great. Do you find at any times
that you will do some self reflecting You'll look at
what you've done, analyzes some and then use that to
see how you can better yourself from day to day.
Yeah. I mean I would say sometimes that I probably
need to have a little bit more health reflection than
I normally do. I did start writing a little book
about like stuff I notice, about my symptoms and stuff.
So the more knowledge you have about something, the more
you can handle it. You know, For example, like one
thing is like sometimes I mishear things. It's almost like
my ears have dyslexia. They miss hear things. So my
acronym for life is learn, improve, fight on, and enjoy.
So that improved part, like say, I try to do
that every day. I try, But yeah, there's probably a
lot more for self reflection. I mean, you know what
I mean, that's pretty much self reflection. I mean it's like,
you know, it's pretty limitless when you really think about it.
Yeah, that makes perfect sense. So what should go to
when you just want to get away from everything and
be like on your own little island. What should go
to to just relax and use that enjoyment part to
keep moving?
Yeah, I would say as far as like what I
go to to enjoy life?
Yeah, what puts you in that place where you just
have that great feeling not worrying about anything and just
living life.
I guess music is a big part of that, playing guitar,
you know, writing songs and stuff, and sometimes I'll play
at open mics, which really helped. That's like a even
last night, I just played that one at a place
in Charlottesville. Yeah, playing music is very very ruble for me,
and I have no you know, brandos ideas and you know,
not going to be like the Spook or anything. But
I do think when day hopefully I can maybe write
or have some lines for somebody, for an artist of
some degree, you know, especially children stories.
That's great. So tell me a little bit about to
children's stories. What kind of stories are are they and
what are you writing about?
They're all a little bit different, but I would definitely
say the overall arching thing at the end of it
is hope. Like there's one about the earl the squirrel
and you little kid helps them find is he gets
hit on the head by an apple and a little kid,
you know, he goes around searching for acorns and the
kid helps them. Like at the end of the story,
for instance, it goes and whenever you see a squirrel
that hops, know that God loves for you never ever stops,
you know, So stuff like that. And that's just a
little little line, but it has a message of hope
and that I think the kids need that, you know.
They Yeah, that's great. It gives a lot of kids.
There's a lot of hope, and it's good that you're
writing it. So how many books have you written so far?
I would say probably I've written like almost five want songs,
but the children stories that kind of I've written a
lot of poetry, like hundreds of poems, but I would
say only maybe like five or six children stories. But
I'm really going to try to start hearing the ground
running all of bit.
So have you got them published yet?
No? No, I've only got one thing published, and that
was a poem. When I went to community college, they
selected my poem.
That's great. It gives you inspiration to keep moving forward
and doing bigger things.
Hopefully God will I know have more time to kind
of realize some of my dreams. But another thing that,
like you said that for coping, like spirituality is big
and the First Corinthians thirteen, like the love chapter, and
sometimes like you can do all these things, but you
don't have a good part, like it's worthless. So I
try to always remember that. And also, you know, humility
is a big thing too, and it's the Latin word
for umility is a hummus, you know, which means like
living earth or of the earth. And that reminds us
like when we're humble, like grounded in the earth. You know,
usually mental illness feeds off, at least for me, if
you head off my ego or like you know, everyone's
out to get me me, me. But but when you're humble,
it almost disarmed. It helps me disarm my mental illness.
You know, that's very interesting. I've never heard it quite
put that way, but that's really a great way to
look at it. I'm glad that you can. So what
would you like to tell the listeners about your journey?
The things that they should know about what you're doing,
what you're trying to do, what your future looks like,
anything that you think is important that they hear.
Well, it's almost kind of like job. You know a lot,
you know, the car crash and then the cancer. And
in two thousand and after the car crash, I had
my first psychia episode and I was paid three times
by cops, and my kidneys almost failed, and I was
at on the top of the world at a scholarship.
I was at West Point and then you know, two
months ours and a little jail cell for like two days.
But then it's just a very long story. But I guess,
I guess. You know, hope is a very important thing,
you know, and and just like believing in yourself and
that you're I mean, just look at your hand, like
it's such a beautiful, you know thing, And if I
could say anything. It's like, hope is a beautiful thing,
but it's very fragile. It's almost like a like a
votive candlental heart. And this world's especially now, it's always been,
but it's just so windy and that hope gets blown out.
So I'll just say, protect the hope in your heart
and then just take it moment by moment earlier day
by day, you know, because that's all you can do.
Yeah, that's a great point. Now, before all this happened,
you kind of took life for granted. I mean, you're
not the only one. A lot of people do it.
They never think about tomorrow, they only think about today.
It's a hard reality to admit that life is that
precious and that fragile at times. So what's your mindset
now on the way that you look at life compared
to how you looked at it for any of this
stuff ever happened to you.
I would say it kind of goes back to the
middle of the aspect. And also when I do something,
I just don't do it to get it done. I
do try to do it with a good heart, you know,
and I try to see other people too. Before all
this happened. I was almost kind of whether it be
culture conditioning or whatever, but I was a little bit
just desensitized. And but now, like when I go check
out the store, I see the clerk, you know, and
I lurk human beings too, you know, And sometimes I
guess I would take that the brand in the past,
you know. I mean, I actually just see other people
and kind of have empathy a lot of people on
this eurf you know, billions. It's not all about me really,
but little acts of kindness. Those are some of the
realizations I've had. It's just humility, empathy of little acts
of kindness. And when I do something, life is short,
so I might as well try to the best you
can to deal with love. You know. Out of all
the religious teachings they try to dress that.
Yeah, those great words to live by. Now with all
this has happened, everything that you've gone through, your parents,
your brother have you mended fences? Have they gotten back
to where everything's smooths out and livable now?
Oh? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah. You know, they say actions
speak louder than words, and I definitely didn't kind of
just speak my action more often than not. So I'm
going to turn thirty seven August. You know, some shilling
stories and I don't know. I have hope for the future.
So but yeah, to answer your question, yeah, my family,
they didn't give up them and so that's just another
aspect of how fortunate and blessed that.
Yeah, that's just awesome. Well I really appreciate you taking
the time to come on the show today.
Yeah, well, thanks for doing that. It's important. Thanks Tony, It's.
Been my pleasure. Thanks again. Thanks for taking time out
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