The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 2

Previously on Miller High Life Presents The Heavyweight Diaries. Alex 0:00:06.559 --> 0:00:09.640 wants to see you in the studio. Regretful choice is 0:00:09.680 --> 0:00:13.240 making my dogs sweat? Make my dogs sweating, My bare, 0:00:13.320 --> 0:00:17.000 sweaty dogs was enough to get my dogs sending a 0:00:17.079 --> 0:00:20.720 gentle arc of dog sweat across the studio. At the 0:00:20.840 --> 0:00:32.760 exact moment that Alex Bloomberg walks through the door, from 0:00:32.800 --> 0:00:35.600 the tip of his nose, Alex Bloomberg wipes away a 0:00:35.640 --> 0:00:38.600 bead of what he must imagine is chanelle number five. 0:00:39.479 --> 0:00:42.919 But it is not Chanelle number five. It is instead 0:00:43.040 --> 0:00:47.320 a bead of foot sweat from toe number five, the 0:00:47.440 --> 0:00:52.199 great toe. I can tell from his hecto millionaire scowl 0:00:52.400 --> 0:00:57.480 that Alex Bloomberg is not feeling overly chuffed. What's up, man, 0:00:57.960 --> 0:01:02.840 Bloomberg says, suctuating his request for information about what is 0:01:02.960 --> 0:01:10.160 quote up? Our loud, intimidating slurps from his Hambucha energy drink, panicking, 0:01:10.319 --> 0:01:12.959 I toss my shoes and socks into a waste paper 0:01:13.000 --> 0:01:17.320 basket in the corner of the room. Then I hide 0:01:17.440 --> 0:01:22.360 my nude, glistening dogs under the table, just chilling out, 0:01:22.640 --> 0:01:27.800 I assure my voice stuttering, cracking and screeching. Would that 0:01:27.880 --> 0:01:30.839 I could be in front of my editing equipment, I'd 0:01:30.840 --> 0:01:34.520 smooth out my words with EQ knobs and splicing levers. 0:01:35.640 --> 0:01:39.840 But alas I'm operating in real time, my least favorite 0:01:39.840 --> 0:01:43.240 of times. Things are happening at the speed of life 0:01:43.840 --> 0:01:54.960 and it's making me nauseous. So I just wanted to 0:01:55.080 --> 0:01:57.640 check in about how the new season of Heavyweight is 0:01:57.680 --> 0:02:02.640 coming along. Bloomberg says, we've sold all the advertising space, 0:02:02.920 --> 0:02:06.120 and the sales team is getting nervous. I'm told you're 0:02:06.160 --> 0:02:10.959 not responding to any of their snapchat inquiries. It's coming 0:02:11.000 --> 0:02:17.720 along riduculously amazing. I say ridunculously amaze balls, I mean 0:02:18.840 --> 0:02:23.280 cool mode, Bloomberg says, When can I get a little 0:02:23.320 --> 0:02:28.880 taste the normally ruthless Bloomberg is acting coy. He's been 0:02:28.919 --> 0:02:31.200 asking me for months to play him what I've been 0:02:31.240 --> 0:02:35.120 working on, but because I have nothing, each time I 0:02:35.160 --> 0:02:39.440 put him off, always with some kind of diversion, stepping 0:02:39.480 --> 0:02:43.120 into a garbage can, feigning a heart attack, having a 0:02:43.160 --> 0:02:47.080 real heart attack, feigning a heart attack so hard it 0:02:47.160 --> 0:02:51.200 becomes a real heart attack. But this time I decide 0:02:51.240 --> 0:02:56.440 to man up, nay, to person up. Oh, just putting 0:02:56.480 --> 0:03:00.640 the finishing touches to the pilot episode. I lie, let's 0:03:00.639 --> 0:03:03.720 have a listening party in a week, Bloomberg says. We 0:03:03.800 --> 0:03:09.040 can listen while eating healthy treats, and I add drinking 0:03:09.120 --> 0:03:21.040 Miller High Life. Extending a pinky, Bloomberg says, pinky swear tentatively, 0:03:21.360 --> 0:03:25.480 I extend the tip of my pinky. Bloomberg touches its 0:03:25.560 --> 0:03:29.639 nub with the tip of his pinky nub. Bloomberg's plump 0:03:29.639 --> 0:03:34.840 pinky nub feels like a wedge of peeled tangerine. Pinky 0:03:34.920 --> 0:03:38.840 swears are sacred, Bloomberg says, with what sounds like a 0:03:38.840 --> 0:03:48.600 touch of menace totally. I say, swallowing hard. As we 0:03:48.760 --> 0:03:52.040 rise from our seats and exit the studio, I pray 0:03:52.120 --> 0:03:55.040 that Bloomberg does not cast as gaze downward and spy 0:03:55.160 --> 0:03:59.360 my feet barefoot in along. Each of us sets forth 0:03:59.560 --> 0:04:03.960 in the direction of the bathroom. For Bloomberg this means 0:04:04.000 --> 0:04:07.960 the executive bathroom, the kind of comfort station one might 0:04:08.040 --> 0:04:12.920 refer to as the facilities, And for me, this means 0:04:12.920 --> 0:04:16.680 the public bathroom, where everyone from Timothy Nelson to the 0:04:16.720 --> 0:04:30.839 FedEx delivery man voids their bowels with exuberance. Once there 0:04:30.960 --> 0:04:35.120 I make myself comfy on the countertop, soaking my barefoot 0:04:35.200 --> 0:04:38.760 dogs in a sink full of tap water. I pray 0:04:38.839 --> 0:04:42.240 to God Timothy Nelson doesn't burst in and start making 0:04:42.320 --> 0:04:46.240 small talk about decibels and frequencies and why in the 0:04:46.279 --> 0:04:51.200 world I'm washing my feet there are crumbs between my toes. 0:04:51.640 --> 0:04:57.160 I might say, that's cool. Timothy Nelson might respond, is it? 0:04:57.320 --> 0:05:01.520 I might fire back, is it really? My tone will 0:05:01.520 --> 0:05:05.479 be testy, of course, because like most I don't like 0:05:05.560 --> 0:05:15.360 interruptions when soaping down my dogs in public. And as 0:05:15.360 --> 0:05:19.280 for Bloomberg, I imagine he's in his bathroom, eating a 0:05:19.400 --> 0:05:23.840 charcoal broiled, garlic rubbed steak and drinking a goblet filled 0:05:23.920 --> 0:05:29.200 with two bottles of Miller High Life, while seated atop 0:05:29.240 --> 0:05:33.479 a dynamically warm toilet seat and staring thoughtfully out a 0:05:33.560 --> 0:05:37.320 floor to ceiling window as the pale sun sets over 0:05:37.480 --> 0:05:43.320 the Brooklyn skyline, while vigorously paper toweling my dogs and 0:05:43.400 --> 0:05:47.599 imagining just how beautiful smelling the executive lavatory must be, 0:05:48.360 --> 0:05:52.360 how luxuriant and free of charge its beard unctions, and 0:05:52.400 --> 0:05:57.400 how juicy the bowlful of expertly melonbald honeydew. Cold hard 0:05:57.480 --> 0:06:01.960 reality sets in Blomberg is expecting to hear some of 0:06:02.000 --> 0:06:07.080 the new season, and I have absolutely nothing whatsoever to 0:06:07.160 --> 0:06:13.960 present him with. This has been chapter two of the 0:06:14.000 --> 0:06:17.320 Heavyweight Diaries. With any luck, the new season of Heavyweight 0:06:17.360 --> 0:06:20.720 will begin on September twenty sixth. Until then, you can 0:06:20.839 --> 0:06:24.200 chart our progress each week with a new Diary update. 0:06:24.760 --> 0:06:27.680 And remember the best place to listen to Heavyweight is 0:06:27.760 --> 0:06:30.960 on Spotify. The second best place to listen to Heavyweight 0:06:31.160 --> 0:06:33.680 is on the sound system in Alex's tricked out Camaro. 0:06:34.680 --> 0:06:38.400 Heavyweight is me Jonathan Goldstein along with Jorgeos, Stevie Lane, 0:06:38.480 --> 0:06:41.880 Khalila Holt, and b A. Parker. This episode was mixed 0:06:41.880 --> 0:06:45.360 by Emma Munger, music by Bobby Lord. Our ad music 0:06:45.400 --> 0:06:49.480 is Vivaldi's Spring performed by the Wichita State University Chamber Players. 0:06:49.880 --> 0:06:53.040 We'll have a new chapter of the Heavyweight Diaries next week.