036 | TOXIC MOTIVATION (W3W) with Vocalist Brynnan Brooks

WEBVTT

00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:08.240
When you said toxic motivation, my heart broke a little bit. I thought, what is my firstborn saying to me? What did you mean by that?

00:00:08.240 --> 00:00:52.539
I just meant in that moment that while it was good to be motivated and good to have goals and stuff, sometimes those goals can get in the way of mental health or just like having fun and not feeling guilty. It's Word to the Third, my reflections on purpose, life, and growth. I'm Toby Brooks, speaker, author, professor, and forever student. Each week on Becoming Undone, I bring you guests who've dared bravely, risked mightily, and grown relentlessly. High achievers who have transformed from falling apart to falling into place. But every third episode, it's my turn to reflect, refine, and reprocess on Word to the Third. This week was hard.

00:00:52.539 --> 00:00:55.799
It was kind of a wake-up call for me.

00:00:55.799 --> 00:01:01.299
I was told that several people had been asking around why I hated my job.

00:01:01.299 --> 00:01:04.500
Honestly, I was dumbfounded.

00:01:04.500 --> 00:01:05.500
Hate my job?

00:01:05.500 --> 00:01:07.019
I love my job.

00:01:07.019 --> 00:01:12.019
I really appreciate the opportunities that I get to try to inspire and teach others.

00:01:12.019 --> 00:01:19.700
And the fact that it aligns directly with my purpose to help others discover and pursue their purpose is a good fit for this season in my life.

00:01:19.700 --> 00:01:24.579
However, in retrospect, I've probably been a little too transparent about my ambitions.

00:01:24.579 --> 00:01:30.819
I've got goals and plans to multiply my influence and to help inspire on a larger platform.

00:01:30.819 --> 00:01:36.900
But after hearing that hard truth that people think I'm unhappy in the now, it made me realize two things.

00:01:36.900 --> 00:01:48.359
First off, not everyone in your circle is in your corner. I know that's cliche, but it's true. If somebody really has concerns about you, why would they talk to someone else without talking to you first?

00:01:48.359 --> 00:01:56.120
Brene Brown talks about how the person who puts themselves in the arena shouldn't concern themselves with the critics in the stands. I get that. I do.

00:01:56.120 --> 00:02:03.560
Having a podcast, being on social media, those are ways we put ourselves in the arena and it opens us up to criticism.

00:02:03.560 --> 00:02:06.719
That made me realize the second thing, that I have a role in this too.

00:02:06.719 --> 00:02:16.159
There's a fine line between being transparent for the sake of trying to inspire somebody, but the flip side of coming across like you're disrespecting your current place in life.

00:02:16.159 --> 00:02:20.280
I just got Kobe Bryant's book, The Mamba Mentality, in the mail yesterday.

00:02:20.280 --> 00:02:22.919
I'm looking forward to reading it.

00:02:22.919 --> 00:03:26.560
Kobe is arguably one of the best examples of extracting every ounce of ability out of life through a borderline maniacal work ethic and a commitment to excellence. But when Kobe was in high school at Lower Merion with dreams of NBA stardom, I wonder, did people think he hated his high school team? Did critics question his drive to reach the top? I doubt it. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not comparing myself to Kobe Bryant, but why do we tend to do the same in other aspects of life. A student with dreams of working in pro sports doesn't hate their grad school. They aren't running from their present. They're pulled toward what is, in their mind, a larger purpose. Somehow, that's been lost in translation for me. I'm seriously bothered to know, maybe I shouldn't be, but I am seriously bothered that not one, but several people who know me, either read what I've written or listened to what I've produced, registered that message as hated my job, and then decided that the next appropriate step was not to talk to me about it, but rather to discuss it among themselves.

00:03:26.560 --> 00:03:30.759
It just shows me that I missed the mark.

00:03:30.759 --> 00:03:36.840
My goals and my aspirations are to become the absolute best version of myself that I can.

00:03:36.840 --> 00:03:38.120
I'm working on a new degree.

00:03:38.120 --> 00:03:40.520
I'm being mentored by people I respect and trust.

00:03:40.520 --> 00:04:09.599
I'm mentoring others who also aspire to become their best. I'm doing my absolute best to be healthy and fit, productive and impactful in the world. That's the message I'd hoped the example of my life was sending out into the atmosphere. And yet somehow, apparently, the message that was received was that I hated my job. I missed the mark. So in a show that is by definition about failure, I see that this is a lesson I've learned the hard way before.

00:04:09.599 --> 00:05:17.920
And by the way, if you're one of those folks who had one of those conversations, could you send me an email or give me a call? I'd love to chat with you, deconstruct where I went wrong, because a person can't fix problems that they don't understand. But that's an aside. This show is my latest attempt at podcasting, but it's not my first. That would be Better Every Week, a show my daughter Brennan and I launched during her freshman year in college. I loved it, but it was hard for us to keep to a schedule. We ended up recording and producing just four episodes. I thought it would be fun to go back and perhaps re-release or repurpose some of the content here on my show now, and wouldn't you know it, in the first episode we talked about how off-putting my drive and ambition has been to the people under my own roof, my own family. I don't know toxic motivation isn't bad by itself in the eyes of the person with it the goal is to inspire, to motivate, to model positive behaviors and attitudes but sometimes, in my case apparently many times, the message gets filled with noise. What's intended is not what is received. And you end up sometimes doing more harm than good.

00:05:17.920 --> 00:05:43.839
That said, I hope you'll enjoy this look back to a show my daughter Brennan and I recorded during the first semester of her freshman year in college when she was a vocal performance major at the University of Oklahoma in November 2021. I'm happy to say that she and her friends are working on a new show of their own now, hopefully launching soon. So while Better Every Week was a well-intentioned but fairly short-lived effort, we don't view it as a failure.

00:05:43.839 --> 00:05:47.759
It was simply a step on our paths towards success.

00:05:47.759 --> 00:05:51.600
I hope you'll enjoy episode 36, Toxic Motivation.

00:05:51.600 --> 00:05:57.579
She is a crazy talented vocal performance major and a freshman at the University of Oklahoma in Norman.

00:05:57.579 --> 00:06:09.560
And he is a father and husband and drummer and all kinds of different things and a college professor at Texas Tech in Lubbock, Texas.

00:06:09.560 --> 00:06:13.839
We are both stubborn and opinionated and committed to getting better every day.

00:06:13.839 --> 00:06:17.560
Better Every Week is the podcast for those who relentlessly pursue better.

00:06:17.560 --> 00:06:29.199
Hey, if you're on this podcast, if you're listening, if you're signing in, chances are this very first episode, one of two things has happened.

00:06:29.199 --> 00:06:32.800
We have hit you up and said, hey, we started a new podcast, you should listen.

00:06:32.800 --> 00:06:40.660
Or this is five years down the road, we've got a library of 400 episodes and you've binged, listened all the way back and you're like, wow, they've gotten a lot better.

00:06:40.660 --> 00:06:43.040
So I'll go ahead and apologize up front.

00:06:43.040 --> 00:06:49.000
This is our very first episode, but I also won't apologize because this is our very first episode.

00:06:49.000 --> 00:06:58.560
Brennan and I have been working on this idea for months now and it seems like one thing after another got in our way, but I'm excited to say we're finally here.

00:06:58.560 --> 00:07:42.779
So the opening quote, today's topic, basically the way we handle this is we take turns. I'm a professor and Brennan's a student and we want to look at growth from both of our perspectives and in a way society maybe doesn't look for ways that we can disagree and still show that we love each other. So when we started game planning for this thing we brainstormed a variety of topics and the one we wanted to start with is this topic of toxic motivation. Brennan tell me where did that term come from? Why did good old dad decide this would be episode one?

00:07:42.779 --> 00:08:04.699
So this all started for me in the midst of the lockdown. And we were looking at an unknown future, your junior year and your brother's eighth grade year. And as I often do, I decided to tackle the problem with a lengthy to-do list. You remember some of the things I had for us to do?

00:08:04.699 --> 00:08:06.699
I mean, we had a lot of stuff we were going to do.

00:08:06.699 --> 00:08:10.699
We had a lot of like, cleaning out stuff and remodeling.

00:08:10.699 --> 00:08:14.699
I mean, we ended up watching all the Marvel movies, but I don't know if that was originally on the to-do list.

00:08:14.699 --> 00:08:16.699
Right.

00:08:16.699 --> 00:08:26.699
But I distinctly remember you, I don't remember if you mentioned it to your mom or if you said it to me first of all, but you said, come on dad, your motivation's almost toxic.

00:08:26.699 --> 00:08:29.639
At first I'm like, why are you being this way?

00:08:29.639 --> 00:08:32.919
When you said toxic motivation, my heart broke a little bit.

00:08:32.919 --> 00:08:37.919
I thought, what is my firstborn saying to me?

00:08:37.919 --> 00:08:39.600
What did you mean by that?

00:08:39.600 --> 00:10:31.799
I just meant in that moment that while it was good to be motivated and good to have goals and stuff, sometimes those goals can get in the way of mental health or just like having fun and not feeling guilty for like, oh I'm just gonna go like not do anything for however long. But I definitely think it was easier for me to recognize that in you because it's not easy for me to recognize that in myself when I definitely do that because I know that I do, especially in high school when I had like 7,000 things that I was involved with. Well to be honest, that initial shock made me stop and tap the brakes a little bit and realize that, wow, maybe there's something to that. Maybe this accomplishment motivation, it's either not healthy or maybe it drives people who are struggling with, you know, anxiety or depression or other things, especially in a vulnerable time, it pushes them a place they don't need to be. So the opening quote here that I've found that really, it really kind of stabbed me right in the heart, said, feeling the need to be busy all the time is a trauma response and a fear-based distraction from what you'd be forced to acknowledge if you slowed down. What do you think of that quote? I think it's a blunt way to put it because you know a lot of times it's like oh well you just you should probably just slow down like you don't you don't have to be doing all these things and and like that's that's true but calling it what it is like a trauma response or like not not wanting to acknowledge things like that's true i think we all do that and it's not always with motivation things that we you know there's a lots of different trauma responses, but it's definitely one, but it's one that goes undetected because it's positive.

00:10:31.799 --> 00:10:37.799
It's a good thing. You're being motivated, you're doing stuff, and it's easy to just say, like, oh, that's not a bad thing.

00:10:37.799 --> 00:10:45.240
You know, I'm not doing drugs or something that's more like harmful to me, but it can be.

00:10:45.240 --> 00:11:32.740
It can be just as harmful. Yeah. So the reason I picked this for our very first episode as a professor, I'm seeing unprecedented levels of students with anxiety and depression suffering from this nearly endless, seemingly endless season of unknown and adaptation and new normals and all those things. And it really made me realize that I struggle as a professor knowing when to push a student to do their best and when pushing a student who's at their, at the end of their rope is going to push them over the edge. Like they don't, they need, I always say this to my students, you either need, if you're struggling, you need a hug around the neck or a kick in the pants.

00:11:32.740 --> 00:12:58.399
And my challenge is to figure out which one of those is the appropriate response. And toxic motivation is the kick in the pants. What have you seen during your freshman year in terms of students dealing with this pandemic and this unknown? I think, I mean like you said, people either switch into like, all right I'm going to do everything that I possibly can and I'm not going to have any time to pause and think about it because I don't, I can't think about it because I'll get overwhelmed, or they switch into like, I'm so overwhelmed I can't, I can't even like do my work I can't do and, and then it's hard because, like you said, you know, if, if a professor is trying to find that that balance or even just like a mentor someone in your life is trying to find like, right, do you need a hug is wrong, that really damages those relationships. And I think it's really easy for students to, like, if a teacher is trying to push you, to just kind of label them as, like, mean or, like, domineering or just write someone off like that. And then that door is no longer open anymore for them to be able to push at any point because of one mistake, of one, like, misjudgment of when is the right time. Yeah. So this kind of leads us to this topic of stress. And by definition, stress, I mean, if we're talking physiologically, stress is non-directional, right?

00:12:58.399 --> 00:13:02.480
You've probably heard about stress all your life, and you hear that term, and you think negative.

00:13:02.480 --> 00:13:14.000
By definition, you stress is actually positive. You're prepping for juries. Tell our audience what juries are and why they're stressful.

00:13:14.000 --> 00:13:16.659
They are very stressful, although I'm excited.

00:13:16.659 --> 00:13:19.679
Maybe they'll be less stressful after I get through this first one.

00:13:19.679 --> 00:13:23.519
But Jory's is like singing or instrumentalist.

00:13:23.519 --> 00:13:25.720
I think some theater people do it too.

00:13:25.720 --> 00:14:05.679
It's like your final at the end where if you haven't had some other sort of solo performance, you go and you have music that you've been working on all year or all semester and you just sing it for people and they say good or practice more. And so just knowing that that's living at the bottom of your syllabus and that you've got to do that, how has that changed your behavior this semester? I think, I mean it's made me practice more, it's made me want to be more regular with my practice schedule, but I think it's also made me know, like knowing that like I'm gonna have to sing in front of people regularly and for people.

00:14:05.679 --> 00:14:11.279
I mean, I'm a vocal performance major, so that kind of should have been evident, but it made it very real.

00:14:11.279 --> 00:14:21.480
This is the time where you know you're going to have to sing in front of all of these people who are so, so talented and have done so much great work in music.

00:14:21.480 --> 00:14:25.279
That's made me really want to practice getting in front of people and doing it.

00:14:25.279 --> 00:14:30.320
And because in like simulating that environment, have I done that enough?

00:14:30.320 --> 00:14:31.159
I don't know.

00:14:31.159 --> 00:14:31.980
We'll see, but.

00:14:31.980 --> 00:14:35.220
Any students of mine who are listening know I'm a big projects guy.

00:14:35.220 --> 00:14:42.659
And so in my field in strength conditioning, athletic training, sports medicine, rehab science, whatever, we don't have things like that.

00:14:42.659 --> 00:14:45.700
We have practical exams, we have projects.

00:14:45.700 --> 00:14:48.080
And so I've always been a projects guy.

00:14:48.080 --> 00:14:56.320
And it breaks my heart when I see evaluations where students kind of miss why I gave them that project.

00:14:56.320 --> 00:14:58.519
They're like, oh, it's just busy work.

00:14:58.519 --> 00:15:00.519
It's never busy work.

00:15:00.519 --> 00:15:02.440
It's intended to be eustress.

00:15:02.440 --> 00:15:05.720
It is a project that will motivate you to grow.

00:15:05.720 --> 00:15:07.840
Distress, on the other hand, is directional.

00:15:07.840 --> 00:15:10.879
Eustress is in the positive, distress is in the negative.

00:15:10.879 --> 00:15:11.840
It's destructive.

00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:14.100
It leads to negative adaptations.

00:15:14.100 --> 00:15:28.860
So how do you tell the difference when that non-directional assignment, juries, has become eustress or motivating or distress and it's putting you in a bad place mentally?

00:15:28.860 --> 00:16:05.759
I feel like studio class where we go and we have like a group of people who all take lessons from the same professor and we just sing for each other is like the like low stakes version of juries is what it feels like is you just go and you listen to people and you sing and and I feel like that has been you know if you if I go into my studio class and it's just like I can't even perform in front of them because I'm just so like in my head about it and I'm just like tense with all of this like all of the stress, then that's when it's distress.

00:16:05.759 --> 00:16:37.039
That's when it's distress. And then I think when I when I get to go to studio, because I've definitely had both of these throughout the semester, where I go to studio and it's this like low stakes environment where it's like people are here for you and to help you, going to that environment and like getting feedback, I think there's some times where I've left studio and all of the things people have said like all of the like critiques and things that they're like, here, you should do this, you should work on this.

00:16:37.039 --> 00:16:43.639
If I leave studio and I'm like, okay, these are easy things that I can implement that I know how to do, that I know how to practice doing.

00:16:43.639 --> 00:17:23.019
And I'm just like, it's kind of the same sort of tension but in a more like excited and and I I'm stressed because I'm like oh there's all of these things to work on but if I know how to work on them then I'm like I'm ready to go like get me a practice room right now like ready to work. Right. There's a an old saying that says if it doesn't challenge you it doesn't change you. I know you've had had friends who went on to college into programs maybe that weren't super competitive and you know they got the leads as freshmen.

00:17:23.019 --> 00:17:31.980
Whereas when you went to OU you thought about doing musical theater and you're like these are like Broadway ready people and I'm not ready for that rejection.

00:17:31.980 --> 00:17:45.519
What's the value for you in trying hard things, you learn what you're okay with failing at.

00:17:45.519 --> 00:17:55.799
You know, because there's some people who the thought of like working a day job is like really stifling to them.

00:17:55.799 --> 00:17:57.519
So they need a career in the arts.

00:17:57.519 --> 00:18:27.259
And so the idea of going in and like getting a bad performance review from a boss or getting a you know something like that that is that they just can't handle failing at that but if you don't try the hard thing of going and having that sort of job like how do you know whereas like you know there's some people on the other end of the spectrum where they're like I can't handle the failure and rejection of the arts because or like sports even of saying like you're just you're not good enough you can't that rejection because that's more personal.

00:18:27.259 --> 00:18:31.680
So I think, but you can't know any of that until you try some of it, you know?

00:18:31.680 --> 00:18:43.440
You can't know that like, I don't want to work that kind of job until you have some sort of experience in that, knowing what you can and can't handle and what rejection you can deal with.

00:18:43.440 --> 00:18:48.400
And that's the million dollar question is, I need the hard things in order to grow.

00:18:48.400 --> 00:18:52.859
If all I ever do are the easy things, I never get challenged and I never adapt and I'm never better.

00:18:52.859 --> 00:19:16.640
But if I try things that are too hard and I set myself up for failure, and in your area of study, I can't even fathom the amount of rejection that a musical theater or a vocal performance may – I mean, what's success for someone in your line of work as far as landing an audition?

00:19:16.640 --> 00:19:19.619
How many times out of a hundred are you going to get a callback?

00:19:19.619 --> 00:19:20.619
Not very many.

00:19:20.619 --> 00:19:21.619
I see it.

00:19:21.619 --> 00:19:22.619
It's interesting.

00:19:22.619 --> 00:19:27.039
I've heard people say, like, your job is not to sing if you're a singer.

00:19:27.039 --> 00:19:35.220
Your job is to audition because that's what you're doing 90% of the time is you're just going to auditions and you're being rejected most of the time.

00:19:35.220 --> 00:19:45.339
Yeah, and that's a mental shift from a lot of careers where I think about students going into medicine and you know, they've always been top of their class.

00:19:45.339 --> 00:19:57.579
They've always aced standardized tests and when they get out, they've never experienced failure like they've just always won.

00:19:57.579 --> 00:20:27.640
one. And somewhere in there is a happy medium, a space where you're growing. Carol Dweck talks about the growth mindset, you can't worry about the scoreboard today, you got to worry about the organism you are that's going to come out the other end of this process. So we know you're going to ace juries, but if you don't, there's value in that you learn or you win.

00:20:27.640 --> 00:20:29.359
I mean, those are the options.

00:20:29.359 --> 00:20:33.039
I can't even believe I wrote this next prompt.

00:20:33.039 --> 00:20:43.700
People who know me from all my years in athletic training have probably heard me make fun of musicals and you have changed me, my dear.

00:20:43.700 --> 00:20:55.200
But my wife, Christy and I went to see Dear Evan Hansen and I won't even lie, I cried like a baby.

00:20:55.200 --> 00:21:15.640
I don't know if you are human if you watch the movie in there or watch that show and don't do that. But there is a scene and a song in the movie version of Dear Evan Hansen and I don't even know if I can get through it without crying now, but there is kind of the class president, the do all everything Alana Beck.

00:21:15.640 --> 00:21:21.920
And she sings the lyrics, spot the girl who stays in motion, spins so fast she won't fall.

00:21:21.920 --> 00:21:27.519
She's built a wall of her achievements to keep out the question without it.

00:21:27.519 --> 00:21:29.480
Is she worth anything at all?

00:21:29.480 --> 00:21:34.619
Tell me what that stirs in your soul when you hear that or read that.

00:21:34.619 --> 00:21:44.700
I think, I mean, we all have things that we put our worth in, but I think when, especially in the place we live, in the society, in the time and all of that, that is where a lot of our worth gets put, is in achievements.

00:21:44.700 --> 00:22:03.440
It kind of, when I read that part of our outline, it made me think of like a conversation we had in my global engagement, like study abroad foundations class.

00:22:03.440 --> 00:22:13.900
And we were talking about how it's a very uniquely American, uniquely United States thing to have so much, to put so much value in your career.

00:22:13.900 --> 00:22:16.599
The first thing you ask someone is like, what do you do?

00:22:16.599 --> 00:22:17.599
Like, what do you do for a living?

00:22:17.599 --> 00:22:19.400
Or if you're in college, what's your major?

00:22:19.400 --> 00:22:22.279
Or, you know, before that, it's like, what do you want to be?

00:22:22.279 --> 00:22:26.039
We're so, so ingrained in this idea of career.

00:22:26.039 --> 00:22:40.960
And while that's great, and it's really, it causes success in terms of achievements, if that's what you qualify as success, but that can't be where you put all your worth and it's hard to find the balance.

00:22:40.960 --> 00:22:53.759
Yeah, I know for me, just the thought that achievements were a wall or achievements were a way of insulating myself against maybe what someone else thought of me was one angle of it.

00:22:53.759 --> 00:22:59.279
But the professor in me looked at this like, you know, we're always looking for the top of the class.

00:22:59.279 --> 00:23:01.119
We want the student with the highest test score.

00:23:01.119 --> 00:23:04.279
We want the one who interviews the best.

00:23:04.279 --> 00:23:07.400
And that really made me think about those students.

00:23:07.400 --> 00:23:13.480
Instead of just making an assumption like you're the best, okay, you're the cream of the crop.

00:23:13.480 --> 00:23:15.319
Think about the high achievers you know.

00:23:15.319 --> 00:23:25.480
To what extent do you think teachers, professors, friends, parents, whoever, should be concerned about where that achievement motivation is coming from in that student?

00:23:25.480 --> 00:23:31.160
What are the questions we should be asking to make sure that those people are in a good place as they pursue excellence?

00:23:31.160 --> 00:23:33.779
There's not always a time or a place to ask this.

00:23:33.779 --> 00:23:41.000
But being like, hey, you're really good at this thing, you're good at this class, you're good at this subject.

00:23:41.000 --> 00:23:43.900
What do you like doing that's not related to this at all?

00:23:43.900 --> 00:23:58.000
You know, that's not related to your future, that's not a resume builder, that's not, you know, because sometimes those are the things that are the best resume builders because they're the character builders, because they help with, help you to be in a good place mentally.

00:23:58.000 --> 00:24:01.519
So, I mean, I think questions like, what, what is, what is fun to you?

00:24:01.519 --> 00:24:02.640
What do you enjoy?

00:24:02.640 --> 00:24:05.359
Because I think it's really hard for some people to think of things like that.

00:24:05.359 --> 00:24:12.400
It's like, oh, well, I'm really good at this, or I do this because my whoever wants me to.

00:24:12.400 --> 00:24:14.000
So sometimes it's hard to think of those.

00:24:14.000 --> 00:24:15.920
What do you think? What do you think are those questions?

00:24:15.920 --> 00:24:22.720
No, I know in my career, having you and starting a family changed me.

00:24:22.720 --> 00:24:25.359
But for the longest time, I was all about the business card.

00:24:25.359 --> 00:24:38.519
I wanted a business card that had an NFL team or a division one football team on it because I was insecure and I needed that external validation so that I could provide evidence to people that I'm worth it, that I'm enough.

00:24:38.519 --> 00:24:45.160
And I think far too often, I've recognized that in myself, but I've never gone until I watched that movie.

00:24:45.160 --> 00:24:49.660
I never made the connection that other people do that too.

00:24:49.660 --> 00:24:57.819
That, you know, the class president star of everything is just as insecure as the kid in the corner who won't talk to anybody.

00:24:57.819 --> 00:24:59.940
They're just manifesting it in a different way.

00:24:59.940 --> 00:25:08.980
And our society would say more productive way, but I think we're finally starting to pull the lid off this mental health thing and say, is it more productive or is it damaging?

00:25:08.980 --> 00:25:11.099
So I'll put you right on the spot.

00:25:11.099 --> 00:26:12.599
If you get really honest with yourself, where would you say that your desire to be successful comes from? What's your motivation? I think I have to think about this one. I think there's definitely some times where I want to be successful because I want to be the best or I want to be better than others. You know, I have talked to you about this a lot before where I just get really competitive with writing. I want to have the best essay that anyone has ever heard and it's going to move them to tears and they're going to be so like their life is going to be changed they want to and it's always when I have that mindset when I get some sort of writing projects that I'm like all right I have to have the best essay in this class I have to blow everyone away and and I write and I start writing and I get this first draft and I'm like I hate it I'm trying to say all of these great words and I'm trying to be so motivational that it's coming off as so, it doesn't go together, it doesn't flow and it doesn't truly reflect what I want to say.

00:26:12.599 --> 00:27:02.880
So, you know, that's exactly what happened with this last big essay that I did where I wrote the whole essay with that mindset, with the to be successful in this project, my paper has to be better than anyone in the class, which is strange for me because I'm not typically super competitive except with writing. And I wrote the whole thing and I was like, this is terrible. And I just completely scrapped it and rewrote and started at 10pm the night before it was due and stayed up till 3.30 in the morning and like just completely rewrote it. But when I, when the purpose and the driving force behind that essay, when my standard of success was, was I want to say the things that are so true to me, and I want to fully explore and explain and really clearly articulate what I want to say and what I think is important to me in this essay.

00:27:02.880 --> 00:27:05.880
That's when, you know, I finished it and I was so proud of it.

00:27:05.880 --> 00:27:10.880
And I was – that's when I felt successful because I knew what the success was.

00:27:10.880 --> 00:27:16.259
But I definitely think sometimes it's competitiveness that I, you know, that's why I want to be successful.

00:27:16.259 --> 00:27:17.099
Yeah.

00:27:17.099 --> 00:27:17.980
I've made this joke to you.

00:27:17.980 --> 00:27:19.720
Well, actually you made the joke to me.

00:27:19.720 --> 00:27:22.460
You had me do the Enneagram and I'm an Enneagram 8.

00:27:22.460 --> 00:27:24.740
And when you told me that, I said, well, what's the best?

00:27:24.740 --> 00:27:28.180
And you said, that's the most 8 thing you could possibly say.

00:27:28.180 --> 00:27:29.539
And so I read up a little bit more about it.

00:27:29.539 --> 00:27:32.539
I'm like, well, I don't want to take this test if I can't win.

00:27:32.539 --> 00:27:37.960
And so that's kind of hardwired into me, but it doesn't come from a place of wanting to dominate somebody else.

00:27:37.960 --> 00:27:50.779
If I'm really honest, it's, it's because I'm insecure and it's because, uh, whether it was failed relationships in the past or just the way I grew up, I just always felt like I wasn't quite enough.

00:27:50.779 --> 00:27:54.220
And if I did find success, there was an asterisk behind it.

00:27:54.220 --> 00:27:56.259
Like there was some reason to explain that away.

00:27:56.259 --> 00:27:58.740
And that's, that's a blog post I'm working on for next week.

00:27:58.740 --> 00:27:59.660
Actually the asterisk.

00:27:59.660 --> 00:28:01.339
Well, you were right.

00:28:01.339 --> 00:28:05.000
You said, I said, this thing's going to take probably 20 minutes.

00:28:05.000 --> 00:28:07.000
You're like, that's going to take way longer than that.

00:28:07.000 --> 00:28:08.000
So we better land this plane.

00:28:08.000 --> 00:28:11.000
I got one last one before we go to sprouts and seeds.

00:28:11.000 --> 00:28:17.000
Eric Thomas is one of my favorite motivational speakers, and he always talks about the power of your why.

00:28:17.000 --> 00:29:47.859
But a lot of people get told, they're told their why, whether it's by their parents or by society, and they end up pursuing majors they don't want, relationships they don't need, they take jobs that maybe they don't really care about. What are some strategies you can use or have used to own your why? I think definitely doing things that you have no idea how they're gonna be helpful or how they're gonna be good or how they're gonna contribute to your success. I'm trying to think of a good example of that but well okay this is a very very random one but I'm an arts major so it seems like I should want to be doing things that are going to contribute to that in the future. You know, I want to get an internship over the summer at like some sort of performing arts thing or I want to go to some sort of camp or conservatory or just do something that is where everything is pointed in the same direction on the same path and that's how I'm going to get where I'm going. But I don't think exploring things like I learned, I know how to knit. So learning, maybe I take a class and I learn how to make bunnies and little slippers, you know, like that, I have no idea how that's going to help me in the future, but it doesn't need to, you know, it doesn't need to help me in the future. And it honestly, probably it can at some point, there's no reason why that can't, you know, there was that, um, during the Olympics that I don't remember what, what sport he played, but he like went viral on everything because he's sitting there at the Olympics as a competitor.

00:29:47.859 --> 00:29:55.839
And he met himself a sweater while at the Olympics and like, he got so much fame and like, he was able to like, share about his life and his story.

00:29:55.839 --> 00:29:58.099
And, and so it, it ended up contributing.

00:29:58.099 --> 00:30:36.079
That's not related to whatever sport he did, but I think just exploring things and not feeling guilty for that and just doing things that you're, this sounds fun. I just want to do it. I want to do this thing, even if I don't know how it's going to help me, even if it doesn't help me, it's worth it because it's helping me mentally and that's more important. I think what you're talking about is an investment in growth and you don't know when that investment is going to pay off. I think about the senior directive you wrote and there were snippets within that, that didn't have anything to do with your ability to compose that script, but it added nuance and it flavored it.

00:30:36.079 --> 00:30:47.440
I mean, I think about the genius of Lin Manuel Miranda, like there's so many little pieces in there that he tucks away, that his life experience made it matter more, right?

00:30:47.440 --> 00:30:51.039
So it just adds depth into what we're doing.

00:30:51.039 --> 00:30:52.039
All right.

00:30:52.039 --> 00:30:55.779
So a segment we want to run, this isn't just talking about stuff.

00:30:55.779 --> 00:30:59.420
We really want to, I hate to say it, but we're going to assign homework.

00:30:59.420 --> 00:31:03.099
Sprouts and seeds means growth never just happens.

00:31:03.099 --> 00:31:04.500
You've got to cultivate it.

00:31:04.500 --> 00:31:09.099
And so the assignments for this week, we'll just kind of take turns giving them to you.

00:31:09.099 --> 00:31:14.700
In the next seven days, make a list of exactly three goals that you want to accomplish in the next 12 months.

00:31:14.700 --> 00:31:16.720
It's almost New Year's resolution season.

00:31:16.720 --> 00:32:20.079
Don't resolve to do things. Set a goal. The second assignment is to look at the goals you set and write down, examine, determine, figure out what your why is. So just decide why you want to do those goals and why they're important to you. And as you do that, the last part of that is to really consider the fact that even good things can come from toxic places. I might be trying to impress a potential boss or a new relationship, but also bad things can sometimes come from good places. And so I tend to be a list person and when I make that list I never consider the why. I'm just so zeroed in on the task at hand and so this is going to force me to be reflective and I think that's one of the keys to growth that's helped me probably the most is to plot your course to do your work but if you never look back you can't ever really take inventory of how far you've come and then you're constantly reorienting.

00:32:20.079 --> 00:32:46.400
Honestly I feared listening back to the first show we ever produced would be more painful than it really was. But this message is timely for me and just the thought that it was recorded by a dad at home in Lubbock and his daughter in her dorm room in Norman Oklahoma two years ago makes me thankful for the seasons in life and the family who's been such a blessing for me every step of the way. What about you? What are you working on or waiting for?

00:32:46.400 --> 00:33:15.000
What are you doing in the meantime to get better every day? I'd love to hear about it. Surf on over to UndonePodcast.com and drop me a note. Also be sure to tune in for upcoming episodes. At long last I'll be releasing my episode with my friend, coach and author Reid Maltby, talking about his new book, The Spartan Mindset. Then, researcher Dr. Ram Hadass talks to me about his journey from aspiring basketball player in Israel to recognized researcher in the US.

00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:21.200
And then, Dr. Quincy Connolly shares his story of sports, school, business, and working in higher ed.

00:33:21.200 --> 00:33:24.000
This and more on Becoming Undone.

00:33:24.000 --> 00:33:27.119
I'm Toby Brooks, and this has been Word to the Third.

00:33:27.119 --> 00:33:51.160
♪♪Becoming Undone is a Nitro-Hype Creative Production written and produced by me, Toby Brooks.

00:33:51.160 --> 00:33:59.519
If you or someone you know has a story of resilience and victory to share for Becoming Undone, contact me at undonepodcast.com.

00:33:59.519 --> 00:34:03.559
Follow the show on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn at becomingundonepod.

00:34:03.559 --> 00:34:05.079
Follow me at TobyJBrooks.

00:34:05.079 --> 00:34:34.260
Listen subscribe and please leave us a review on Apple podcasts Spotify stitcher or wherever you get your Podcasts till next time everybody keep getting better Thanks for watching!