#48 Ben

Yeah, Hey, what are you going to say at my funeral? 0:00:05.480 --> 0:00:06.600 Oh? 0:00:06.760 --> 0:00:08.720 Here, let me set you up. And now coming to 0:00:08.800 --> 0:00:12.600 the podium, doctor Jackie Cohen, I'm not doing I can 0:00:12.680 --> 0:00:14.720 give you notes speak from the heart. 0:00:14.920 --> 0:00:16.720 I can't do it. It makes you too sad, it 0:00:16.760 --> 0:00:17.880 makes you so too annoyed. 0:00:18.200 --> 0:00:19.800 So you're going to be too annoyed to give me 0:00:19.840 --> 0:00:21.000 a eulogy at my funeral. 0:00:21.079 --> 0:00:23.000 I might listen, I might jot down a few words. 0:00:23.040 --> 0:00:27.520 Would the word genius be in there? God, saint saintly 0:00:27.880 --> 0:00:32.320 try to keep going generous, generous to a fault generals, 0:00:32.880 --> 0:00:34.800 Whys I'd. 0:00:34.640 --> 0:00:35.320 Give you warm? 0:00:35.880 --> 0:00:40.360 Okay, caring it's nice. Belligerent you would use the word 0:00:40.440 --> 0:00:42.280 belligerent in my eulogy. 0:00:43.080 --> 0:00:44.760 I'm having to look up the word belligerent because I'm 0:00:44.800 --> 0:00:46.720 not even sure what that means. Oh yeah, have don aggressive. 0:00:46.880 --> 0:00:49.880 Actually you know that would be me. I'm Belligerent. 0:01:02.840 --> 0:01:07.600 From Gimblet Media. I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is Heavyweight 0:01:08.560 --> 0:01:26.280 Today's episode. Ben right after the break, Hi Jonathan, Hi Ben, 0:01:26.319 --> 0:01:27.680 how are you I'm doing? 0:01:27.720 --> 0:01:28.080 Okay? 0:01:28.680 --> 0:01:31.800 This is Ben. He's speaking to me from his office, 0:01:32.120 --> 0:01:33.720 which is also his baby's room. 0:01:34.160 --> 0:01:36.040 He doesn't actually sleep in this room. He actually sleeps 0:01:36.040 --> 0:01:38.920 in the bathroom. At some point he's going to demand 0:01:39.800 --> 0:01:40.360 a room. 0:01:40.160 --> 0:01:44.440 Without a toilet exactly. Maybe it has to do with 0:01:44.560 --> 0:01:49.040 becoming a dad. But lately Ben's been reconsidering his own childhood. 0:01:49.640 --> 0:01:53.880 Whereas my childhood was marked by Shenanigan's tomfoolery and a 0:01:53.920 --> 0:01:58.440 generous helping of hokey pokey, Ben's was not. When he 0:01:58.480 --> 0:02:01.120 wasn't much older than his son is now barely a 0:02:01.200 --> 0:02:04.520 toilet free tot fresh out of the toilet room, Ben 0:02:04.600 --> 0:02:08.440 possessed the seriousness and determination to have already mapped out 0:02:08.560 --> 0:02:09.400 his life school. 0:02:09.919 --> 0:02:13.920 I had this purpose where I was going to grow up. 0:02:13.960 --> 0:02:16.280 I was going to get good grades. I was going 0:02:16.320 --> 0:02:18.519 to get into a good college, get into a good 0:02:18.560 --> 0:02:21.120 med school, and become a physician. 0:02:26.160 --> 0:02:29.600 Ben's purpose was so all consuming that even in elementary 0:02:29.600 --> 0:02:33.520 school he devised his own homework and TV schedule, and 0:02:33.600 --> 0:02:36.960 in high school Ben didn't go out and party. Instead, 0:02:37.200 --> 0:02:40.120 he split his free time between playing piano and golf 0:02:40.320 --> 0:02:44.519 and volunteering at a local hospital, activities designed to look 0:02:44.560 --> 0:02:48.760 good on a college application. To my years, Ben's description 0:02:48.840 --> 0:02:52.320 of his childhood sounds like a cross between Doogie Houser 0:02:52.440 --> 0:03:00.880 and Casper Hauser. But eventually his hard work paid off. 0:03:01.720 --> 0:03:04.799 Ben became a doctor, but it wasn't without a cost. 0:03:05.720 --> 0:03:08.560 Looking back, Ben doesn't regret the parties he missed, the 0:03:08.639 --> 0:03:11.200 cheap booze he might have drank, or the parking lot 0:03:11.240 --> 0:03:15.600 donuts he might have donutted. He regrets something else entirely. 0:03:16.600 --> 0:03:22.880 Now that I'm older, I can reflect, and I had 0:03:22.919 --> 0:03:30.639 blinders on so much that I was not aware of 0:03:30.880 --> 0:03:32.240 people who were hurting near me. 0:03:33.520 --> 0:03:36.440 When Ben says people, what he really means is one 0:03:36.480 --> 0:03:40.520 person in particular. In keeping his head down focused as 0:03:40.520 --> 0:03:43.880 he was on success for all those years, Ben fears 0:03:43.920 --> 0:03:46.520 he might have ignored someone who really needed him. 0:03:47.040 --> 0:03:48.440 My cousin Sihan. 0:03:51.280 --> 0:03:56.840 Sheihan, a boy Ben hasn't seen in twenty years. To explain, 0:03:57.120 --> 0:04:00.800 Ben takes me back to his childhood in Anchorage a last. 0:04:01.120 --> 0:04:03.520 He was fourteen years old on the golf course one 0:04:03.600 --> 0:04:07.040 day when he saw his mom walking towards him. Beside 0:04:07.080 --> 0:04:09.680 her was a boy, maybe a couple years older than Ben, 0:04:10.000 --> 0:04:13.720 and like Ben, he was Korean. His mother introduced him 0:04:13.760 --> 0:04:18.520 as his cousin, Sheihan Sheihan. Ben's mom said had just 0:04:18.640 --> 0:04:21.520 arrived from Korea and was now going to be living 0:04:21.560 --> 0:04:22.120 with them. 0:04:22.640 --> 0:04:24.440 And I didn't think twice about it, and I just 0:04:24.440 --> 0:04:25.479 started calling my cousin. 0:04:26.080 --> 0:04:30.719 You didn't know the backstory, You didn't know whether he 0:04:30.839 --> 0:04:32.360 was going to be staying with you forever. 0:04:32.600 --> 0:04:37.279 Like this story is full of question marks for me. 0:04:41.120 --> 0:04:44.320 Ben says he eventually learned Chianne wasn't really his cousin. 0:04:44.920 --> 0:04:47.760 They weren't related at all, but he didn't learn a 0:04:47.760 --> 0:04:51.080 whole lot more. Back then, Ben didn't ask a lot 0:04:51.080 --> 0:04:55.520 of questions. In the evening. Ben's parents worked at a 0:04:55.600 --> 0:04:59.239 deli they owned. This meant that Ben, an only child, 0:04:59.560 --> 0:05:02.200 spent a lot lot of time alone. But now is 0:05:02.200 --> 0:05:04.680 Shehan in the house, he found reasons to go a 0:05:04.720 --> 0:05:08.479 little easier on his homework, TV schedule, reasons to just 0:05:08.560 --> 0:05:11.880 be a kid for a while. In the process, Ben 0:05:11.920 --> 0:05:14.760 and Sheehan grew to become best friends in spite of 0:05:14.800 --> 0:05:19.120 their differences. While Ben was always so serious and studious, 0:05:19.600 --> 0:05:23.200 Shehan had a lightness about him. While Ben's ambition was 0:05:23.240 --> 0:05:26.680 to become a doctor the most parent approved of career paths, 0:05:27.160 --> 0:05:30.200 Shehan wanted to be a film critic. The most I 0:05:30.279 --> 0:05:32.320 promise if it doesn't work out, I'll go to Law 0:05:32.360 --> 0:05:38.320 School of Career Paths. On Sunday nights, they watched WWE SmackDown, 0:05:38.760 --> 0:05:41.760 the dulcet tones of creed pouring through the air as 0:05:41.760 --> 0:05:45.520 the undertakers soared free from off the ring post. And 0:05:45.600 --> 0:05:48.880 it wasn't just watching wrestling on TV, Ben says, but 0:05:49.000 --> 0:05:52.320 wrestling for real. As soon as his parents left for 0:05:52.360 --> 0:05:55.960 the deli, Ben, taking his lead from the rock, would 0:05:55.960 --> 0:05:59.680 turn up his boombox kick open Shehan's bedroom door, and 0:05:59.720 --> 0:06:01.960 with that it was go time. 0:06:06.160 --> 0:06:08.279 And my parents don't even know this, and I'm sure 0:06:08.360 --> 0:06:10.600 if they ever hear this, this come to a who 0:06:10.640 --> 0:06:12.760 light of the day, they will be mortified. But we 0:06:12.760 --> 0:06:18.960 would take the cam quarter and there's these huge arm wars, 0:06:19.000 --> 0:06:22.440 probably like eight feet tall, and we would climb up 0:06:22.440 --> 0:06:24.160 to the top and we would jump all the way 0:06:24.160 --> 0:06:25.800 down to the other person who's laying. 0:06:25.760 --> 0:06:29.240 Hold on cow like the like the top rope in 0:06:29.279 --> 0:06:30.320 the top ring. 0:06:30.480 --> 0:06:34.159 Oh my god, And we broke every bed in the house. 0:06:35.480 --> 0:06:38.880 And Ah, I loved doing that with my cousin. 0:06:40.040 --> 0:06:42.800 Ben still has a video of Sheihan practicing one of 0:06:42.800 --> 0:06:48.920 his signature moves outside in the Alaskan snow. Outside the house, 0:06:49.040 --> 0:06:56.560 everything is blindingly white, Ben count Chihan down sick co 0:06:58.080 --> 0:07:03.000 Chihan climbs onto the balcony's top railing, and then she 0:07:03.360 --> 0:07:06.920 does a full front flip off the porch, landing onto 0:07:06.960 --> 0:07:12.760 his back in a foot of snow. And that's where 0:07:12.800 --> 0:07:18.040 the video stops, but it isn't where the night would end. Eventually, 0:07:18.160 --> 0:07:21.080 Ben's parents would return from the deli, and his mom 0:07:21.080 --> 0:07:23.520 would check in with the boys about their school work. 0:07:24.200 --> 0:07:27.679 Ben's mom took Sheihan's success as personally as she did Ben's. 0:07:28.240 --> 0:07:33.320 I'm probably gonna rehash many stereotypes of Korean mothers, but 0:07:34.160 --> 0:07:37.560 she definitely fit the mold in the sense that she 0:07:37.640 --> 0:07:42.160 instilled in me a very strong work ethic and expectations 0:07:42.160 --> 0:07:45.080 that were sometimes never able to be in the reach. 0:07:45.960 --> 0:07:48.720 And Ben's mom held Chihan to the same high bar 0:07:49.000 --> 0:07:52.120 as she did her own son. This meant that for Shehn, 0:07:52.320 --> 0:07:55.200 who'd been dropped into an American high school with almost 0:07:55.200 --> 0:07:57.680 no English, every day was a struggle. 0:07:58.120 --> 0:08:01.240 Here's somebody who's similar to my age, which plucked out 0:08:01.240 --> 0:08:04.240 of their country now has to speak a different language, 0:08:04.640 --> 0:08:08.400 held to this bar that's even tough for me to meet. Yeah, 0:08:08.440 --> 0:08:12.080 And like if I knew he was going to get 0:08:12.120 --> 0:08:13.760 a see in something. They're going to get into it 0:08:13.760 --> 0:08:16.840 for like an hour downstairs, Like I'm going to my room, 0:08:16.880 --> 0:08:18.320 I'm sutting the door. I don't want to hear it. 0:08:19.400 --> 0:08:22.119 Shutting the door was Ben's go to what he needed 0:08:22.120 --> 0:08:25.320 to do to stay focused, but in doing so, he 0:08:25.400 --> 0:08:28.760 was also shutting out his friend, and aside from his 0:08:28.840 --> 0:08:32.520 mom's pressure, Ben says Shehan's life was hard in other ways. 0:08:33.280 --> 0:08:36.520 Drunk guys yelling go back to your country, kids at 0:08:36.559 --> 0:08:40.400 school making fun of his English. Ben was born in Alaska. 0:08:40.920 --> 0:08:43.960 His mom was Korean, but his dad was white. He 0:08:44.000 --> 0:08:46.520 says he was able to camouflage more than Shehann could. 0:08:47.320 --> 0:08:49.920 Chi Ann could never escape the daily grind of being 0:08:49.960 --> 0:08:56.120 an outsider. When high school ended, Ben went off to 0:08:56.160 --> 0:08:57.280 college in Washington. 0:08:57.600 --> 0:08:57.800 Well. 0:08:57.840 --> 0:09:01.200 Sheihan, whose grades weren't as good, made an anchorage with 0:09:01.320 --> 0:09:05.320 Ben's parents and attended a local school. The boys kept 0:09:05.360 --> 0:09:08.240 in touch, but as college life grew busier, they spoke 0:09:08.360 --> 0:09:11.280 less and less, and then at the end of his 0:09:11.320 --> 0:09:14.920 second year, Ben received a phone call from home. His 0:09:15.000 --> 0:09:18.000 parents told him that after two years of struggling in school, 0:09:18.440 --> 0:09:21.480 Sheihan was calling it quits and going back to Korea. 0:09:22.600 --> 0:09:26.400 It was just like how he came, same way he left. 0:09:27.240 --> 0:09:30.440 After six years together, six years of being a family, 0:09:30.960 --> 0:09:34.440 Ben and Sheehan never even got to say goodbye, and 0:09:34.480 --> 0:09:42.480 once again Ben didn't ask any questions. Ben says that 0:09:42.600 --> 0:09:46.720 until recently, his recollections of Shehan were largely fun and 0:09:46.800 --> 0:09:50.160 silly ones, kids wrestling on a bed, kind of things. 0:09:50.760 --> 0:09:53.520 But now is a dad, perhaps imagining his own kid 0:09:53.679 --> 0:09:57.000 alone in a far away place, he finds himself recalling 0:09:57.040 --> 0:10:00.800 different memories, ones that are causing him a lot of guilt. 0:10:02.000 --> 0:10:06.360 I can more clearly think about the times where I 0:10:06.360 --> 0:10:08.320 would go to the restroom and I would see him 0:10:08.360 --> 0:10:10.800 just kind of at his desk, and it wasn't really 0:10:10.840 --> 0:10:11.520 doing anything. 0:10:13.040 --> 0:10:16.600 As a kid, Ben couldn't understand what Sheihan was going through, 0:10:17.240 --> 0:10:20.240 But now he can, and he regrets that all those 0:10:20.360 --> 0:10:24.360 years ago, he never tried to put himself in Sheihan's shoes. 0:10:27.720 --> 0:10:32.000 I never took the time to truly ask him how 0:10:32.040 --> 0:10:32.679 he was doing. 0:10:33.960 --> 0:10:37.720 Back then, Ben didn't ask she had any questions. But 0:10:37.800 --> 0:10:40.120 now that he's older, is in fact a grown ass 0:10:40.200 --> 0:10:43.040 doctor with a baby living in his toilet. He's full 0:10:43.080 --> 0:10:47.360 of them, and he wants answers, who was she had 0:10:47.720 --> 0:10:50.240 and how did he come to live with them? And 0:10:50.320 --> 0:10:52.400 perhaps most importantly. 0:10:52.720 --> 0:10:58.000 I want to know that he's safe and he's happy. 0:10:58.120 --> 0:11:00.720 I just want to know that she Han's doing okay. 0:11:01.520 --> 0:11:04.400 But that hasn't been easy to find out. The last 0:11:04.400 --> 0:11:06.920 time Ben heard from Sheihan was when he emailed him 0:11:06.920 --> 0:11:10.520 in invitation to his wedding over ten years ago. Chihan 0:11:10.640 --> 0:11:14.280 wrote back saying he couldn't make the trip. Ben continued 0:11:14.280 --> 0:11:17.240 to send emails over the years, but they went unanswered. 0:11:18.000 --> 0:11:21.240 Maybe Shehan was holding a grudge, upset Ben had never 0:11:21.280 --> 0:11:24.679 been there for him. But Ben didn't give up. At 0:11:24.720 --> 0:11:27.440 one point, he took to Reddit looking for tips on 0:11:27.480 --> 0:11:30.320 how to find his friend. One of the commenters was 0:11:30.360 --> 0:11:32.640 able to use an old screen name of Chian's to 0:11:32.640 --> 0:11:35.480 place him at a movie preview and soul. They sent 0:11:35.520 --> 0:11:38.440 Ben a video of the event, but Sheihan was nowhere 0:11:38.440 --> 0:11:42.320 to be found. In a last ditch effort, Ben even 0:11:42.360 --> 0:11:46.120 tried to find Sheihan physically. On vacation with his wife 0:11:46.120 --> 0:11:48.600 in China, he took a detour through Korea. 0:11:49.480 --> 0:11:52.440 The mission was to find my cousin. 0:11:53.000 --> 0:11:56.120 But the mission was a failure. At this point, Ben 0:11:56.160 --> 0:11:59.480 doesn't even know if Sheihan is alive or dead, and 0:11:59.559 --> 0:12:07.560 that's why come to me. What can I do? Is 0:12:07.600 --> 0:12:08.920 it a common name. 0:12:09.480 --> 0:12:13.959 Sheeon, that's not a super common first name. So this 0:12:14.000 --> 0:12:16.320 is gonna be more like a Gerald Smith. 0:12:16.559 --> 0:12:20.040 Let's google Jerald Smith and see what that comes up. 0:12:20.080 --> 0:12:24.560 With a lot of Gerald Smith's, I'll tell you the 0:12:24.600 --> 0:12:28.000 first one who comes up was the clergyman, politician, and 0:12:28.120 --> 0:12:34.880 Nazi sympathizer. To be clear, I'm journalist enough to track 0:12:34.920 --> 0:12:37.719 down one hundred at Korey and Gerald Smith's, but I 0:12:37.760 --> 0:12:40.160 wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just ask Ben's 0:12:40.160 --> 0:12:43.680 mom for she haand's whereabouts. Ben balks at the idea, 0:12:43.760 --> 0:12:47.360 though since Chian's departure in two thousand and six, it's 0:12:47.400 --> 0:12:50.960 like he never existed at all. Ben says that over 0:12:51.000 --> 0:12:53.520 the years he and his parents have hardly ever talked 0:12:53.520 --> 0:12:57.559 about Shehan. For his mom, especially the subject of Sheehan 0:12:57.840 --> 0:13:02.280 and her failure to help him succeed forbidden territory. 0:13:02.559 --> 0:13:08.640 If something is not a success in her life, I 0:13:08.760 --> 0:13:13.520 stay very far away from those because I imagine, in my interpretation, 0:13:13.840 --> 0:13:17.160 is my mom experiences those memories as pure pain. 0:13:18.000 --> 0:13:21.360 Like the Deli for instance, once it folded in twenty ten. 0:13:21.720 --> 0:13:24.080 His mom can never bring herself to even set foot 0:13:24.080 --> 0:13:27.560 in the mall it was in. Have you considered talking 0:13:27.600 --> 0:13:28.160 with your father? 0:13:30.080 --> 0:13:34.520 I haven't. Honestly, that's me and my parents. We don't 0:13:34.880 --> 0:13:37.319 talk about deep things ever. 0:13:38.240 --> 0:13:41.160 Deep things like who was that boy who lived in 0:13:41.200 --> 0:13:43.360 our house for six years? That none of us ever 0:13:43.440 --> 0:13:46.560 talk about. Ben and his dad usually stick to the 0:13:46.559 --> 0:13:50.440 weather or at most fishing, but Ben does think that 0:13:50.480 --> 0:13:54.080 his dad might have information, so together we phone him up. 0:13:58.760 --> 0:14:02.440 Hello, Hey, Dad, can you hear me? Oh? Yeah, hi son? 0:14:02.640 --> 0:14:03.400 How you doing. 0:14:04.880 --> 0:14:09.040 Doing good? So the reason why. 0:14:09.360 --> 0:14:11.959 Ben gets his dad up to speed, explaining how he's 0:14:11.960 --> 0:14:14.520 been carrying around a lot of guilt about Shihan and 0:14:14.559 --> 0:14:17.280 wants to find him. I asked Ben's dad if he 0:14:17.320 --> 0:14:18.960 knows how they first came to meet Sheihan. 0:14:20.200 --> 0:14:24.680 No, there was no there's no real family relationship, but 0:14:24.680 --> 0:14:27.480 it was something to this sect. I think there was 0:14:27.520 --> 0:14:29.200 some kind of connection over there in Korea. 0:14:30.280 --> 0:14:33.240 Though Ben's dad doesn't remember how they met Sheihan, he 0:14:33.320 --> 0:14:35.960 was happy to have him around. He thought she Han's 0:14:36.000 --> 0:14:38.240 playful personality was good for Ben. 0:14:39.120 --> 0:14:41.960 He was more of a social person. 0:14:42.360 --> 0:14:43.120 See I was a. 0:14:43.000 --> 0:14:44.160 Really nice guy. 0:14:44.240 --> 0:14:49.240 He had a very mellow personality, you know, happy, go lucky. 0:14:49.640 --> 0:14:53.400 He liked to interact and more than being a chiever, 0:14:53.640 --> 0:14:55.640 you know what I mean. Yeah, And I try to 0:14:55.680 --> 0:14:58.560 talk to mom about that and tell me that's his personality. 0:14:58.600 --> 0:14:59.320 He's different. 0:14:59.600 --> 0:15:02.920 But she had the feeling that she had to help 0:15:03.000 --> 0:15:06.040 him to get up there and achieve and get good 0:15:06.080 --> 0:15:09.600 results for his parents, you know. And I think they 0:15:09.600 --> 0:15:11.680 had a lot of high expectations, and I think that 0:15:11.800 --> 0:15:13.320 was part of the reason Mom might have been a 0:15:13.320 --> 0:15:15.960 little tough on I mean, because they were kind of 0:15:15.960 --> 0:15:17.760 tough on her what they expected. 0:15:18.760 --> 0:15:21.520 Ben always assumed his mom was pressuring she han to 0:15:21.560 --> 0:15:25.040 get perfect grades because she took his success so personally 0:15:25.720 --> 0:15:28.200 it hadn't occurred to him. Then Maybe it wasn't just that. 0:15:29.080 --> 0:15:36.840 It seems his mom had been under pressure too. Do 0:15:37.200 --> 0:15:41.080 you remember the moment when you said goodbye to him, 0:15:41.160 --> 0:15:42.040 when you saw him. 0:15:41.920 --> 0:15:45.960 Oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah. It was kind of sad, 0:15:46.040 --> 0:15:46.520 you know. 0:15:46.800 --> 0:15:50.160 We gave him a hug and told him to take 0:15:50.200 --> 0:15:53.160 care of himself and keep in touch, you know, that 0:15:53.240 --> 0:15:54.960 kind of stuff, and he was he was kind of 0:15:54.960 --> 0:15:55.560 sad too. 0:15:56.480 --> 0:15:58.560 Did it seem like he wanted to leave was he. 0:16:01.280 --> 0:16:03.680 He seemed resigned to it. I think that's the best 0:16:03.720 --> 0:16:04.760 way to describe it. 0:16:05.920 --> 0:16:08.200 Ben's dad doesn't have a clue about how to get 0:16:08.240 --> 0:16:10.960 in touch with Sheihan, but he does have tips for 0:16:11.000 --> 0:16:13.520 how Ben might go about asking his mom for information. 0:16:14.400 --> 0:16:17.040 You know, I think if you, if you was to 0:16:17.200 --> 0:16:22.160 proach that with her, just one on one, you and. 0:16:22.040 --> 0:16:26.000 Her, that is not you and her and him your 0:16:26.080 --> 0:16:29.000 weird new best friend with the microphone. 0:16:28.880 --> 0:16:31.240 And just tell her wonder how he's doing. Do you 0:16:31.280 --> 0:16:32.920 know how I can get a hold I really want 0:16:32.960 --> 0:16:36.560 to talk to him. She would be more receptive to that, 0:16:37.160 --> 0:16:37.800 I think. 0:16:38.960 --> 0:16:42.240 Well, thankstad. I yeah, I just appreciate you man. 0:16:42.280 --> 0:16:45.400 I love doing stuff with you and do any matter 0:16:45.400 --> 0:16:47.040 of fact, I'm looking forward to going fishing with you 0:16:47.120 --> 0:16:48.040 when you come back down in. 0:16:50.800 --> 0:16:53.520 A few weeks later. Ben does as his dad advises 0:16:53.760 --> 0:16:57.480 and phones his mom without Your Humble Narrator, But sadly, 0:16:57.800 --> 0:17:01.560 she doesn't know how to contact Sihan either. However, she 0:17:01.600 --> 0:17:05.119 does have a story for Ben, a surprising one. 0:17:05.640 --> 0:17:09.080 So it's I guess it's more complicated. 0:17:09.640 --> 0:17:12.840 I think it turns out that the story of how 0:17:12.880 --> 0:17:16.320 Sheihn entered their lives began well before Ben was born. 0:17:17.359 --> 0:17:20.240 One day in nineteen eighty five, Ben's mom and dad 0:17:20.320 --> 0:17:23.160 were out for a drive when they spied an uncommon 0:17:23.200 --> 0:17:26.520 sight for Anchorage at the time. Walking down the street 0:17:26.640 --> 0:17:30.320 was an elderly Korean couple. Ben's parents slowed down and 0:17:30.400 --> 0:17:33.960 offered them a ride. The women bonded that day over 0:17:34.000 --> 0:17:36.919 the hardships they'd been through in Alaska, and over the 0:17:36.960 --> 0:17:40.080 months to follow they continued to visit one another and 0:17:40.119 --> 0:17:44.879 eventually became close. Soon after that, Ben was born. 0:17:45.920 --> 0:17:51.080 And so my mom had a really complicated postpartum course, 0:17:51.320 --> 0:17:54.480 a lot of medical complications. She was sick and kind 0:17:54.520 --> 0:17:59.240 of laid up for several months, and the grandma would 0:17:59.280 --> 0:18:01.240 take care of me this time when I was a newborn. 0:18:02.080 --> 0:18:05.240 This woman, this older woman who took care of you. 0:18:05.720 --> 0:18:09.480 Was Chion's grandmother. Huh, his mother's mother. 0:18:10.600 --> 0:18:13.520 In talking to his mom, Ben learned that as babies, 0:18:13.880 --> 0:18:16.119 he and Sheihan had both been cared for by the 0:18:16.119 --> 0:18:20.640 same person, held by the same arms. The grandmother's kindness 0:18:20.680 --> 0:18:23.760 would be repaid some fourteen years later, with her grandson 0:18:23.840 --> 0:18:28.280 Sheehan being accepted into Ben's family's home. Ben had never 0:18:28.320 --> 0:18:31.040 heard any of this, and why. 0:18:31.640 --> 0:18:34.679 My mom said she didn't want to distract me from 0:18:34.760 --> 0:18:36.840 all the studying I was doing. 0:18:37.680 --> 0:18:44.159 Classic going through Ben's family to find Shehan seems to 0:18:44.160 --> 0:18:47.360 have hit a dead end. It's time for a new approach, 0:18:48.240 --> 0:18:51.199 and so I gird my loins and reach into the 0:18:51.240 --> 0:18:56.000 deepest recesses of my people, finding strategic nugget satchel and 0:18:56.040 --> 0:19:01.240 withdraw the choicest strategic nugget and choicest rategic nugget dipping 0:19:01.320 --> 0:19:07.439 sauce my desperate mind fingers can grasp. Maybe try shooting 0:19:07.480 --> 0:19:19.639 an email to that address again, you know what I mean? Ben? 0:19:20.840 --> 0:19:21.159 Hello? 0:19:21.359 --> 0:19:25.680 Yes, Hi, Hey, I came as quickly as I could 0:19:26.240 --> 0:19:29.560 when you sent up the heavyweight signal into the sky. 0:19:30.400 --> 0:19:31.240 Now what's going on? 0:19:32.840 --> 0:19:39.439 Yeah? So you remember? Okay? Uh we last time we chatted, 0:19:39.480 --> 0:19:43.800 which was less than a day ago. We decided I 0:19:43.800 --> 0:19:50.600 would send one final email and then uh and and 0:19:50.640 --> 0:19:51.520 he replied. 0:20:11.119 --> 0:20:15.480 After ten years of unanswered emails, Ben finally receives a response. 0:20:16.000 --> 0:20:20.080 Yeah, so he says, Hey Ben, Wow, so long time. 0:20:20.720 --> 0:20:23.919 First of all, thank you for not forgetting about me 0:20:24.000 --> 0:20:27.040 and trying to email me again. I'm so glad to 0:20:27.080 --> 0:20:29.640 talk to you again and miss you your mom and 0:20:29.720 --> 0:20:33.959 your dad so much. Oh God, bless you always. 0:20:33.960 --> 0:20:34.160 Bro. 0:20:35.440 --> 0:20:35.840 That's it. 0:20:39.400 --> 0:20:42.080 And so we roll up our sleeves and tackle the 0:20:42.119 --> 0:20:47.879 mathematical equations necessary for converting American time to Korean time. 0:20:48.720 --> 0:20:52.080 And then we get into a video call and wait. 0:20:52.119 --> 0:20:53.639 I'm sure he's gonna look at me and be like, 0:20:54.040 --> 0:20:55.879 what the hell happened to you? Man? Where'd all your 0:20:55.920 --> 0:20:58.560 hair go? I don't even know what he's gonna look like. 0:20:58.600 --> 0:21:01.080 He could look completely differ two. I mean, it's been 0:21:01.200 --> 0:21:02.160 twenty years. 0:21:04.240 --> 0:21:06.840 And since it has been so long, Ben isn't sure 0:21:06.920 --> 0:21:09.600 what Chian's English will be like. So I've hired a 0:21:09.680 --> 0:21:13.040 Korean interpreter named Max to join us just in case. 0:21:13.480 --> 0:21:13.880 Hello. 0:21:14.680 --> 0:21:17.560 Max lives in Seoul, but spent his childhood in the US. 0:21:18.200 --> 0:21:20.680 Like Ben, he went to Korean school as a kid. 0:21:21.080 --> 0:21:24.199 I remember just like thinking I don't need this. 0:21:24.400 --> 0:21:27.080 Yeah, it turns out I did. Yeah, let up to 0:21:27.119 --> 0:21:27.560 this moment. 0:21:28.320 --> 0:21:32.840 And by this moment, Max means this moment, here we. 0:21:32.760 --> 0:21:44.600 Go sean, Oh my gosh. 0:21:43.119 --> 0:21:47.040 Chian raises his arms in triumph. Ben is downright gigly. 0:21:48.000 --> 0:21:50.960 Actually, I was waiting sitting on my lapt I was 0:21:51.080 --> 0:21:51.920 like an hour ago. 0:21:53.640 --> 0:21:55.360 You and I look so old. 0:21:55.440 --> 0:21:58.320 No, dude, I look old. Are you kidding me? What 0:21:58.600 --> 0:22:03.400 a quata? I have no hair? Ben says, because, dude, 0:22:03.560 --> 0:22:06.440 you look the same. It's really good to see you. 0:22:06.760 --> 0:22:07.919 Almost twenty years. 0:22:08.000 --> 0:22:09.119 Almost twenty years. 0:22:16.119 --> 0:22:19.240 First of all, first level has been I want to 0:22:19.240 --> 0:22:20.359 ask you to your dad. 0:22:20.400 --> 0:22:22.600 And mom is still right? Everything? 0:22:23.000 --> 0:22:27.520 Yeah, they're they're they're doing good. Uh still in Alaska. 0:22:29.680 --> 0:22:35.720 Mom's still annoying, right, Mom's still annoying. 0:22:35.840 --> 0:22:36.040 Right. 0:22:36.640 --> 0:22:38.760 It's the kind of thing only a son or daughter 0:22:38.800 --> 0:22:39.359 could say. 0:22:40.040 --> 0:22:42.480 Ben's mom is like almost like my second mom. 0:22:43.080 --> 0:22:45.320 So if I see. 0:22:45.160 --> 0:22:47.680 Your mom, probably I would cry right away. 0:22:47.520 --> 0:22:50.520 I guess, even though even though all the all the 0:22:50.640 --> 0:22:55.640 arguments and all the yelling, you know what, just. 0:22:56.320 --> 0:23:00.320 Any kind of countries, the bomb is all same. You know, 0:23:00.800 --> 0:23:02.440 even my mommy Korea. 0:23:02.560 --> 0:23:05.760 Wow, I think if she saw your face she would 0:23:05.800 --> 0:23:10.480 also cry too. Oh okay, where where do we begin? 0:23:12.040 --> 0:23:14.959 Ben and ch An catch up. Chian still lives in 0:23:15.000 --> 0:23:18.160 Seoul and works in sales. They tell each other about 0:23:18.160 --> 0:23:22.919 their families, but soon enough they're reminiscing about old times. 0:23:23.080 --> 0:23:27.280 Oh, I totally remember that now were so much the first. 0:23:27.040 --> 0:23:28.800 Time ever I saw You're dead. 0:23:28.920 --> 0:23:33.760 Yelly, replaying their finest moments in professional wrestling. We would 0:23:33.800 --> 0:23:39.720 watch SmackDown, laughing about the movies they watched as kids. 0:23:39.920 --> 0:23:42.600 Do you remember if we watch American Pie? 0:23:43.119 --> 0:23:45.480 Actually he's an American Pie too. 0:23:46.920 --> 0:23:50.280 And revisiting the American Pie two? Like New Year's Eve 0:23:50.400 --> 0:23:54.639 they spent together where she Han infamously projectile vomited onto 0:23:54.680 --> 0:23:55.960 a passerby. 0:23:55.880 --> 0:24:06.480 All over her shirt and chat once. 0:24:06.520 --> 0:24:09.040 Ben and Sheehan, I've settled in with each other. I 0:24:09.080 --> 0:24:12.240 try to steer things towards the bigger conversation that I 0:24:12.240 --> 0:24:15.000 know Ben wants to have. What was it like when 0:24:15.040 --> 0:24:17.080 you first showed up? What was your feeling? 0:24:18.240 --> 0:24:18.440 Oh? 0:24:18.520 --> 0:24:19.280 I scared? 0:24:20.280 --> 0:24:25.400 Yeah, I missed my parents, I miss my Korean friends. Yeah, 0:24:25.440 --> 0:24:28.400 actually I cried every single night. 0:24:28.640 --> 0:24:28.840 You know. 0:24:29.960 --> 0:24:32.600 After just a short time in America and with very 0:24:32.640 --> 0:24:37.280 limited English, Chihan was placed in Ben's class. Sheehan remembers 0:24:37.320 --> 0:24:38.920 Ben as the perfect student. 0:24:39.880 --> 0:24:43.359 Me was just first time. You know, I had to 0:24:43.400 --> 0:24:48.280 study really really a lot. Even I was doing the homework, 0:24:48.480 --> 0:24:51.959 you know, I was to use the dictionary every single word. 0:24:52.359 --> 0:24:55.399 I took like a two hours, just finished up like 0:24:55.440 --> 0:24:56.480 a few sentences. 0:24:56.520 --> 0:24:56.760 You know. 0:24:57.920 --> 0:25:01.840 Ben is listening carefully and Chian has finished speaking, he 0:25:01.920 --> 0:25:03.919 says the thing he's been wanting to say for a 0:25:03.960 --> 0:25:04.560 while now. 0:25:07.600 --> 0:25:12.680 I felt guilty because I thought about how you left 0:25:12.720 --> 0:25:15.840 all of a sudden, and and how I felt like 0:25:16.359 --> 0:25:20.720 how maybe I didn't support you. I know it was 0:25:20.760 --> 0:25:24.480 like tough because you know, coming to the United States 0:25:24.640 --> 0:25:28.800 and English is second language, and I, I don't know. 0:25:28.840 --> 0:25:30.760 I just thought about us a lot, and I felt 0:25:30.840 --> 0:25:33.280 really bad like I could have supported you better than 0:25:34.280 --> 0:25:35.640 Chion cuts Ben off. 0:25:36.640 --> 0:25:41.960 You are a teenager. I'm the teenager too. Yeah, how 0:25:42.080 --> 0:25:42.640 can I say? 0:25:44.320 --> 0:25:50.480 Chian is grasping for the right words, Max, okay, yeah 0:25:50.640 --> 0:25:55.200 the move. For the first time during our conversation, Chann 0:25:55.240 --> 0:25:58.639 reverts to Korean and makes use of our interpreter Max. 0:25:59.359 --> 0:26:01.280 He wants to get the wording of what he's about 0:26:01.320 --> 0:26:02.240 to say just right. 0:26:03.480 --> 0:26:06.440 Ben says, Chenes, you know said that don't feel too 0:26:06.440 --> 0:26:12.560 guilty about not having been more supportive of him. He 0:26:12.640 --> 0:26:15.719 noticed that you use the word guilt and said, you know, specifically, 0:26:15.720 --> 0:26:17.080 don't feel guilt. 0:26:18.280 --> 0:26:21.160 Guilt is for when we've done something wrong and want 0:26:21.200 --> 0:26:24.440 to make amends. But she assures Ben that he's done 0:26:24.440 --> 0:26:27.760 nothing to make amends for your parents took me in 0:26:27.920 --> 0:26:30.880 even though I was a stranger, Sheian says, they took 0:26:30.920 --> 0:26:34.200 me on their vacations, made sure I at Christmas presents. 0:26:34.720 --> 0:26:36.440 They made me feel like one of the family. 0:26:37.480 --> 0:26:41.679 Ben and Ben's parents helped me a lot in high school. 0:26:41.840 --> 0:26:44.639 Ben was like right behind me, right with me. 0:26:51.920 --> 0:26:55.000 Then, through Max, Shean lays out the story of why 0:26:55.040 --> 0:26:57.320 he had to go back to Korea, which, as it 0:26:57.359 --> 0:27:00.560 turns out, wasn't quite so well of a sudden. In fact, 0:27:00.800 --> 0:27:03.520 it wasn't anything like the story Ben had been told. 0:27:03.800 --> 0:27:06.040 You know, his family was sending him, you know, money 0:27:06.720 --> 0:27:10.920 when he was in Alaska, and then his father's company 0:27:11.400 --> 0:27:12.680 went bankrupt, went under. 0:27:13.920 --> 0:27:16.840 Chan's family could no longer afford to keep him in America. 0:27:17.520 --> 0:27:20.200 So there was nothing Ben, his mother, or even Sheehan 0:27:20.359 --> 0:27:24.119 could have done. Chian's return to Korea was inevitable. 0:27:24.800 --> 0:27:27.000 You know, thinking back, he feels like all the help, 0:27:27.359 --> 0:27:30.680 all the support was enough, Like you guys did enough, 0:27:31.840 --> 0:27:35.960 and even if you know, this sort of collective goal 0:27:36.119 --> 0:27:40.919 in a way wasn't achieved, he doesn't think back on 0:27:41.040 --> 0:27:43.080 that with this great regret. 0:27:44.240 --> 0:27:45.080 Well, thank you for that. 0:27:50.680 --> 0:27:53.920 For years, Ben had seen himself as having failed Sheihan. 0:27:54.720 --> 0:27:57.320 But to hear Chian tell it that isn't the case. 0:27:58.119 --> 0:28:01.120 He returned home with stories to tell about his Alaskan 0:28:01.200 --> 0:28:05.439 adventures and the friends he made. For Sheihan, those are 0:28:05.480 --> 0:28:09.680 the real memories that remain to quote Ben's dad. Maybe 0:28:09.720 --> 0:28:22.040 that's just Sheihan's personality in spite of counseling against them. 0:28:22.400 --> 0:28:24.520 It seems like Sheihan has a couple of regrets of 0:28:24.560 --> 0:28:24.920 his own. 0:28:25.760 --> 0:28:29.520 You send me email and enjoining your marriage for the 0:28:29.560 --> 0:28:32.160 best man, but I couldn't. 0:28:32.560 --> 0:28:32.760 Ben. 0:28:32.760 --> 0:28:35.679 It told me he'd invited Chian to his wedding. But 0:28:35.800 --> 0:28:37.959 this is the first I'm hearing of the role he'd 0:28:38.000 --> 0:28:41.760 been asked to play. Is Sheann remembering correctly that you 0:28:41.800 --> 0:28:43.520 were asking him to be your best man? 0:28:44.840 --> 0:28:49.200 Yeah, I actually didn't have a best man after Shan 0:28:49.280 --> 0:28:56.480 said he couldn't come. Yeah. I didn't maybe fully recognize 0:28:56.520 --> 0:28:58.440 it at the time, but I think as time went on, 0:28:59.520 --> 0:29:02.840 I'm going to college, I didn't have like any friends 0:29:02.840 --> 0:29:05.400 that I was like super super close with, and so 0:29:05.520 --> 0:29:08.040 I still look back to be like, who was I 0:29:08.160 --> 0:29:10.640 closest with? And that was shown. 0:29:15.320 --> 0:29:15.880 Funny things. 0:29:16.040 --> 0:29:18.640 I have lots of friends, close friend I have lots 0:29:18.640 --> 0:29:24.240 of best friends, But I think as Ben, not as friend. 0:29:25.480 --> 0:29:26.120 As brother. 0:29:26.360 --> 0:29:30.320 You know, a brother is someone who's seen your mild 0:29:30.320 --> 0:29:33.480 manner dad yell at you, someone who's comfortable telling you 0:29:33.520 --> 0:29:36.360 how annoying your mom is, because not only do you 0:29:36.400 --> 0:29:39.720 both know it's true, but it's also being said with love. 0:29:47.400 --> 0:29:50.240 Ben still has one more question the when he first 0:29:50.280 --> 0:29:52.720 came to me with that he worried about most. 0:29:53.320 --> 0:29:57.959 I guess my next question is are you happy? 0:29:59.200 --> 0:30:01.520 Are you happy can be lumped into the how you 0:30:01.600 --> 0:30:05.320 do in category of conversation, but knowing how much this 0:30:05.440 --> 0:30:08.920 question has occupied Ben through the years, it doesn't feel 0:30:08.960 --> 0:30:11.840 like small talk, nor does she Han's response. 0:30:13.040 --> 0:30:14.600 Ah, of course. 0:30:18.560 --> 0:30:22.600 Of course, there's no hesitation. Chion says that he and 0:30:22.640 --> 0:30:25.680 his extended family all live in the same neighborhood and 0:30:25.720 --> 0:30:28.560 see each other often. He has a job he likes 0:30:28.600 --> 0:30:30.760 and is good at. He's had the same group of 0:30:30.760 --> 0:30:35.480 friends since his twenties, friends he loves, and perhaps most importantly, 0:30:36.080 --> 0:30:36.880 he's a new dad. 0:30:39.640 --> 0:30:40.480 Just second Jessica. 0:30:42.840 --> 0:30:45.400 Ben wants to see Shean's son, and Sheeon wants to 0:30:45.400 --> 0:30:48.200 see Ben's son. They both run to get their kids, 0:30:48.560 --> 0:30:50.000 in Ben's case, from the toilet. 0:30:50.960 --> 0:30:52.320 Oh hello, see look. 0:30:55.000 --> 0:30:57.360 Ben and Sheehan hold their babies up to the camera 0:30:58.280 --> 0:31:01.320 just as you might expect. Ben baby has hair parted 0:31:01.360 --> 0:31:04.960 to the side like a baby anchorman, and Sihan's son 0:31:05.480 --> 0:31:07.080 has hair like a lit match deck. 0:31:07.880 --> 0:31:09.720 Look at that hair you just got. 0:31:10.120 --> 0:31:12.120 He's so angry, I know. 0:31:13.680 --> 0:31:21.880 Oh okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, okay, say good night everybody. 0:31:21.680 --> 0:31:33.080 Daddy Ben. Oh. As much as Ben has worried about 0:31:33.080 --> 0:31:36.840 Sihan over the years about being there or not being there, 0:31:37.360 --> 0:31:46.240 they're together now and they both seem happy. 0:31:55.720 --> 0:31:57.560 I think we need to get some flights. We got 0:31:57.560 --> 0:31:58.320 to do it proper. 0:31:59.320 --> 0:32:01.920 You know how when those American pie style movies, there's 0:32:01.920 --> 0:32:04.040 always that guy who's got a plan that's going to 0:32:04.120 --> 0:32:06.120 lead to everyone's most epic night ever. 0:32:06.680 --> 0:32:08.920 Jonathan, you got to book us some flights. We got 0:32:08.920 --> 0:32:09.680 to go to Korea. 0:32:10.080 --> 0:32:13.240 It turns out that under all the lab codes and stethoscopes, 0:32:13.720 --> 0:32:14.520 Ben's that guy. 0:32:15.080 --> 0:32:17.640 And then we're gonna do some karaoke together and. 0:32:17.600 --> 0:32:19.320 Then she and vomits on my chest. 0:32:19.640 --> 0:32:20.800 Yeah exactly. 0:32:22.640 --> 0:32:24.360 But since I'm not the guy in the movie who 0:32:24.480 --> 0:32:27.720 charters a private jet and flies everyone to Korea, have 0:32:27.800 --> 0:32:30.720 you guys ever tried to do online karaoke? 0:32:31.840 --> 0:32:32.080 Oh? 0:32:32.200 --> 0:32:33.920 My god? 0:32:34.840 --> 0:32:40.200 Professional since I'm not taking them to the Korean karaoke bar. 0:32:40.680 --> 0:32:44.400 I bring the karaoke bar to us, and with it 0:32:44.440 --> 0:32:49.880 a little creed. Oh well, sure it's eleven am in Korea, 0:32:50.400 --> 0:32:53.880 not exactly cocktail hour. And sure I'm paying our interpreter 0:32:54.080 --> 0:32:55.040 Max by the hour. 0:32:55.360 --> 0:32:56.320 Do you remember create? 0:32:57.320 --> 0:33:01.640 But Ben doesn't care today. He's the happy, go lucky one. 0:33:02.320 --> 0:33:05.600 He kicks in the door, opens his arms and lungs 0:33:06.320 --> 0:33:09.120 and sings lodges her. 0:33:10.720 --> 0:33:18.240 Shan the news today, you remember, she? It seems my love. Yeah, 0:33:18.400 --> 0:33:19.680 it's gold a change. 0:33:20.120 --> 0:33:21.720 I'm so sorry. 0:33:21.960 --> 0:33:23.760 I close my eyes. 0:33:24.760 --> 0:33:28.280 No, no, no, begin to pray, Max, can you translate? 0:33:29.320 --> 0:33:29.920 He is of. 0:33:30.160 --> 0:33:36.600 Joy streamed down my face, Ready with arms, Widow, it 0:33:36.800 --> 0:34:26.680 was sleeping right now, Now that the fern ures rift. 0:34:26.640 --> 0:34:28.480 Turn into its good. 0:34:28.400 --> 0:34:36.520 Will home, now that the last month's rent is skiming 0:34:36.719 --> 0:34:39.280 with the damage deposit. 0:34:39.040 --> 0:34:41.040 Take this moment to dissolve. 0:34:43.640 --> 0:34:49.200 If we message, if we tried, we felt around for 0:34:49.440 --> 0:34:50.200 far too. 0:34:52.520 --> 0:34:55.240 From things that accidentally talked. 0:34:59.680 --> 0:35:03.840 This A was produced by Moheeny mcgouger and me Jonathan Goldstein. 0:35:04.239 --> 0:35:07.560 Our senior producer is Khalila holt Our. Supervising producer is 0:35:07.600 --> 0:35:11.759 Stevie Lane. Production help from Damiano Marquetti. Special thanks to 0:35:11.800 --> 0:35:16.560 Emily Condon, Brendan Klinkenberg, Lisa Wang, Alex Bloomberg, Christopher Ibeling, 0:35:17.000 --> 0:35:20.520 and Jackie Cohen. Bobby Lord mixed the episode with original 0:35:20.640 --> 0:35:24.160 music by Christine Fellows, John K. Sampson, Ben Alaman and 0:35:24.320 --> 0:35:27.760 Bobby Lord. Additional music credits can be found on our website, 0:35:27.800 --> 0:35:31.880 Gimbletmedia dot com slash Heavyweight. Our theme song is by 0:35:31.920 --> 0:35:34.240 The Weaker Bands, courtesy of Epitaph Records. 0:35:34.680 --> 0:35:35.279 Follow us on. 0:35:35.320 --> 0:35:38.840 Twitter at Heavyweight or email us at Heavyweight at gimletmedia 0:35:38.880 --> 0:35:42.279 dot com. We'll be back with a new episode next 0:35:42.360 --> 0:35:42.560 week