The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 3

Previously on Miller High Life Presents The Heavyweight Diaries. Bloomberg 0:00:06.840 --> 0:00:09.360 is acting coy lay him what I've been working on? 0:00:09.400 --> 0:00:14.680 I have nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, Bloomberg says. Pinky swears 0:00:14.720 --> 0:00:32.360 are sacred. The Gimlet Media conference room is a blaze, 0:00:32.840 --> 0:00:36.960 glowing with the brilliant light of the elephantine chandelier hanging 0:00:37.000 --> 0:00:40.040 low enough to almost tickle the top of my balding pate. 0:00:41.120 --> 0:00:44.360 But the room is made even more radiant by the luminous, young, 0:00:44.400 --> 0:00:48.600 scrubbed faces of the Gimblet advertising team, the Gimlet Marketing team, 0:00:48.840 --> 0:00:52.960 the Gimblet Brand Synergies team, the Gimlet Press outreach and 0:00:53.040 --> 0:00:57.800 public relations team. In the room too is Michael, my 0:00:57.920 --> 0:01:02.200 designated observer from People Off who ever since the Way 0:01:02.240 --> 0:01:06.959 Too Casual Friday incident of twenty sixteen, has been assigned 0:01:07.040 --> 0:01:10.840 to all my meetings. I watched the room watch me 0:01:11.400 --> 0:01:14.400 for a full thirty seconds as I pull mightily on 0:01:14.480 --> 0:01:20.240 the sliding glass door trying to enter the conference room. Finally, 0:01:20.480 --> 0:01:25.160 my designated Michael comes to the rescue, opening the door 0:01:25.200 --> 0:01:27.800 with a quick flick. He leads me over to the 0:01:27.800 --> 0:01:30.680 head of the fifty foot long table and stuffs a 0:01:30.720 --> 0:01:35.360 piece of paper in my hand. It reads meeting agenda 0:01:36.000 --> 0:01:43.360 time two hours, speaker Jonathan Goldstein, purpose to report progress 0:01:43.520 --> 0:01:47.920 on the new season of Heavyweight. It here bears mentioning 0:01:47.960 --> 0:01:52.280 that the new season of Heavyweight is progressing poorly, very 0:01:52.480 --> 0:01:56.520 very poorly. It might also bear mentioning that everyone in 0:01:56.560 --> 0:02:00.000 the room except for me, is wearing a toilet seat 0:02:00.120 --> 0:02:13.760 around their neck. Gimlet has a new sponsorship with Hoity 0:02:13.800 --> 0:02:17.919 Toity Toilet Seats, a startup that crafts toilet seats from 0:02:17.960 --> 0:02:21.600 a single piece of salvage timber and delivers them straight 0:02:21.639 --> 0:02:25.440 to your door. The business teams are showing their support. 0:02:26.240 --> 0:02:29.480 Hoity Toity Toilet Seats were designed by two graduates of 0:02:29.520 --> 0:02:34.000 Stanford's prestigious School of Medical Fashion. The ad copy reads 0:02:34.680 --> 0:02:38.040 wearing them around the neck like a Hawaiian lay promotes 0:02:38.120 --> 0:02:44.120 proper posture. Flipping over the trifoled brochure reveals celebrity spokesperson 0:02:44.240 --> 0:02:48.560 Harvey Kaitel insisting that not only are his Hoity toities 0:02:48.639 --> 0:02:51.560 the height of hygiene and a soothing balm for his 0:02:51.680 --> 0:02:56.160 near constant whiplash, but with the right shoes, they're perfect 0:02:56.200 --> 0:03:00.600 for an evening on the town. Will Heavyweight be sponsored 0:03:00.639 --> 0:03:03.400 by the good folks at Hoity Toity as well. I 0:03:03.600 --> 0:03:08.959 ask Hoity Toity's focused on a different demo. Madison, head 0:03:09.000 --> 0:03:13.400 of marketing, says, they're more Cardi B than Wilfrid B. 0:03:14.280 --> 0:03:17.799 That's what I call Wilford Brimley. But we do have 0:03:17.880 --> 0:03:25.079 some exciting sponsors for heavyweight, like what I ask adult undergarments, 0:03:25.160 --> 0:03:31.480 she says, mobility scooters, orthopedic insoles, wheat, germ fiber supplements, 0:03:31.520 --> 0:03:37.840 some super cool stuff. Awesome sauce, I say, so, how's 0:03:37.880 --> 0:03:42.080 that quirky, self deprecating commentary of yours coming along? Asks 0:03:42.160 --> 0:03:45.680 the senior VP of brand Synergies, a twenty three year 0:03:45.720 --> 0:03:51.480 old toddler named Bryce. Super Awesome sauce, I say, wiping 0:03:51.520 --> 0:03:54.800 the sweat along my hairline with a fish taco wrapper 0:03:54.880 --> 0:03:57.400 from the pre eating lunch that I wasn't sure I 0:03:57.520 --> 0:04:01.880 was allowed to eat, but which with reluctant, tensative rat 0:04:02.000 --> 0:04:05.840 like bites and loud, nervous swallows. I've been eating without 0:04:05.880 --> 0:04:15.560 cessation since I entered the room. Bryce twirls the artisanal 0:04:15.600 --> 0:04:20.039 toilet plungeries carrying as a matching dandy stick, and suctions 0:04:20.040 --> 0:04:24.200 it to the tabletop with a loud, thwacking sound. What's 0:04:24.240 --> 0:04:28.719 the first episode about? What isn't it about? I ask? 0:04:29.760 --> 0:04:33.480 I then try out a jolly, infectious laugh in order 0:04:33.520 --> 0:04:36.960 to get the room laughing and establish a tone of 0:04:37.080 --> 0:04:40.800 casual bonami. But what comes out of my mouth instead 0:04:41.120 --> 0:04:44.680 sounds like a barking seal who's just eaten tainted yogurt, 0:04:45.080 --> 0:04:48.440 has yogurt all over his seal whiskers, and has begun 0:04:48.560 --> 0:04:52.919 barfing out shrimp, cocktails, scuba gear, and whatever else it 0:04:53.040 --> 0:04:58.279 is seals normally eat. In the ensuing silence, Bryce asks 0:04:58.320 --> 0:05:02.200 me to offer a little more detail. It's about this 0:05:02.360 --> 0:05:04.800 teacher who once yelled at me and made me cry 0:05:04.960 --> 0:05:08.919 in third grade. I say, I finally just tracked her down, 0:05:09.920 --> 0:05:14.799 and asks Bryce, making eye contact and leaning forward exactly 0:05:14.920 --> 0:05:19.080 fifteen degrees, as stipulated in gimblet Media's Good Listeners Make 0:05:19.120 --> 0:05:24.480 Good Managers video tutorial. In an interesting twist, I say, 0:05:25.120 --> 0:05:28.719 it turns out she died five years ago. I ended 0:05:28.800 --> 0:05:31.800 up speaking with her hospice nurse who cared for her 0:05:31.839 --> 0:05:37.520 in her last days, and asks Bryce, leaning forward an 0:05:37.560 --> 0:05:42.919 additional five degrees. He says, I say she made no 0:05:43.080 --> 0:05:48.359 mention of me. Bryce fiddles with his toilet seat. What 0:05:48.520 --> 0:05:52.480 else you got, he asks, and the room erupts in laughter. 0:05:54.240 --> 0:06:01.120 What else I got? I got nothing? As the sound 0:06:01.160 --> 0:06:04.279 of the room's youthful titters stab at my ear drums, 0:06:04.720 --> 0:06:07.920 I consider pitching a trip to England, where my unique 0:06:07.960 --> 0:06:12.240 powers of interlocution might help solve Brexit, But that would 0:06:12.320 --> 0:06:15.600 involve taking a trip to England, where the dampness might 0:06:15.680 --> 0:06:30.720 amplify my trots into a full blown case of the scoots. 0:06:31.920 --> 0:06:34.719 Desperate for an idea that was more local to my 0:06:34.800 --> 0:06:38.920 personal bathroom, and with yogurt on the brain, I explained 0:06:39.000 --> 0:06:42.599 how Gimblet media editor Jorge just was just telling me 0:06:42.720 --> 0:06:45.839 how he'd been up all night after accidentally eating some 0:06:46.000 --> 0:06:50.520 spoiled yogurt. I add some sly emphasis on the word 0:06:50.640 --> 0:06:56.160 accidentally to up the intrigue. What if he had a 0:06:56.200 --> 0:06:59.760 do over, I say, affecting the voice of a wizard 0:06:59.839 --> 0:07:04.680 casting a magical spell, and could undo having eaten the yogurt, 0:07:05.279 --> 0:07:09.400 not by barfing nine times like he already did, but 0:07:09.440 --> 0:07:15.560 by not having eaten it in the first place. As 0:07:15.600 --> 0:07:19.800 I speak, I wave my arms in theatrical suspense building 0:07:19.880 --> 0:07:25.120 circles and slowly rise from the table, hypnotizing my brand 0:07:25.160 --> 0:07:30.360 strategy biz marketing colleagues with a perfectly executed borsh belt bob, 0:07:30.760 --> 0:07:34.560 an old Vaudeville trick designed to focus the audience's attention 0:07:34.720 --> 0:07:39.400 onto the performer along with it, my voice grows louder 0:07:39.400 --> 0:07:44.960 and louder as my pitch reaches an hysterical crescendo. If 0:07:45.000 --> 0:07:48.040 you allow yourself to venture past the limits of your 0:07:48.080 --> 0:07:51.960 earthly imagination, you might begin to envision what such a 0:07:52.040 --> 0:07:57.679 do over might yield. With my eyes closed and head 0:07:57.720 --> 0:08:01.040 tilted back, I shoot my arms out to each side, 0:08:01.520 --> 0:08:06.840 bono style and fall into silence. I count down in 0:08:06.960 --> 0:08:14.200 my head five, four, three, executing a perfect pocono'se pause, 0:08:14.600 --> 0:08:17.400 an old Vaudeville trick designed to increase tension at the 0:08:17.480 --> 0:08:20.200 end of a performance to a level so high that 0:08:20.280 --> 0:08:23.360 the audience can't help but break it with a rapturous 0:08:23.440 --> 0:08:31.000 standing ovation. Two and a half two one, Wait for it, 0:08:32.000 --> 0:08:36.679 Wait a little longer for it. With no applause forthcoming, 0:08:37.040 --> 0:08:41.920 I start the countdown again, three, two and a half, 0:08:43.200 --> 0:08:50.480 two and one. When I open my eyes, the boardroom 0:08:50.559 --> 0:08:55.160 is empty save for Michael, my people ops observer, who 0:08:55.280 --> 0:09:00.680 is furiously scribbling angry notes or angrily scribbling fury notes. 0:09:01.559 --> 0:09:07.000 Either way he avoids my gaze. On the table beside 0:09:07.000 --> 0:09:10.760 me is a Gimlet brand Vellum note card. Written upon 0:09:10.840 --> 0:09:15.120 it in big floury handwriting is a note from Bryce 0:09:16.160 --> 0:09:21.040 loved your little skit bro ps. You've got three weeks 0:09:21.080 --> 0:09:25.720 to cough up something or else. It's curtains for certains 0:09:27.240 --> 0:09:33.079 XO XO Bryce. Cakes. All I've got is a big, 0:09:33.120 --> 0:09:37.040 fat Canadian goose egg. It'd take three weeks alone just 0:09:37.080 --> 0:09:40.960 to figure out the perfect cutesy retort to Bryce. It 0:09:41.080 --> 0:09:44.600 was beginning to seem like my Canadian goose was cooked. 0:09:45.840 --> 0:09:48.520 I sit down at the head of the boardroom table 0:09:49.000 --> 0:09:52.240 and help myself to the last remaining vegan brownie on 0:09:52.280 --> 0:09:56.640 the party platter. To wash it down, I crack open 0:09:56.880 --> 0:10:02.040 an unopened Miller High Life, which is still ill mercifully cold. 0:10:10.360 --> 0:10:13.600 This has been chapter three of the Heavyweight Diaries. With 0:10:13.679 --> 0:10:16.200 any luck, the new season of Heavyweight will begin on 0:10:16.240 --> 0:10:19.960 September twenty sixth. Until then, you can chart our progress 0:10:20.120 --> 0:10:24.000 each week with a new diary update. And remember the 0:10:24.040 --> 0:10:27.120 best place to listen to Heavyweight is on Spotify. The 0:10:27.160 --> 0:10:29.480 second best place to listen to Heavyweight is on a 0:10:29.480 --> 0:10:33.120 love seat sharing a pair of earbuds with your sweetheart. 0:10:33.920 --> 0:10:37.560 Heavyweight is Me Jonathan Goldstein, along with Jorge just Stevie Lane, 0:10:37.679 --> 0:10:41.640 Khalila Holt, NBA Parker. This episode was mixed by Emamonger. 0:10:42.040 --> 0:10:45.360 Music by Bobby Lord. Our ad music is Vivaldi's Spring, 0:10:45.440 --> 0:10:49.080 performed by the Wichita State University Chamber Players. We'll have 0:10:49.160 --> 0:10:51.960 a new chapter of the Heavyweight Diaries next week