Dating In Your 40's

00:00:09
Speaker 1: Hey guys, and welcome to this episode of Keep It Positive.

00:00:12
Speaker 2: Sweetie.

00:00:12
Speaker 1: I am Christah Renee, and today we are talking about dating in your forties. And when I think about dating in your forties, the first song that came to mind was Destiny's Child. Independent women and women independent, throw your hands up at me. And when I think of that is because I feel like once women get to their forties and they're still dating, they're definitely independent.

00:00:43
Speaker 2: I know.

00:00:44
Speaker 1: For me, I just turned forty in October, and it was something that clicked. It was something that clicked. It's like, literally the day I woke up after my party, I was like, WHOA. I had so much clarity on things, and I was very sure about what I wanted to do, how I wanted it and all those things. But leading up to that, I work in a very vain industry, and the industry that's always looking for the youngest and the hottest and the next, and I was worried, like, lord, am I getting older? Like, and we also have an industry where we don't tell people our age, so like, even on my invitation, I was very strategic about not putting that I was turning forty because I just didn't want to put that out there, but everybody found out anyway, so now everybody knows. But when you're dating in your forties, there's so many factors that come to place.

00:01:40
Speaker 2: Your biological clock is ticking.

00:01:42
Speaker 1: Society has put so much stress on you need to get married by this age, you need to start having children by this age. And my acting career got started very late, and what I thought was late. With then I realized some of the greatest artists there are started in their forties. So I'm actually as insecure about that as I was before. But I was worried about that my biocological clock is ticking. I found myself attracting like twenty year olds and I.

00:02:12
Speaker 2: Was like, what is this guy? I know, I don't look forty. That was the first thing. I don't look like how old I am.

00:02:17
Speaker 1: But I was attracting young people, and with that it became a stress because I knew they wanted children.

00:02:22
Speaker 2: I'm like, okay, these are conversations we have to have. And I always wanted to date.

00:02:26
Speaker 1: Somebody that's either my age or a little older, and honestly they'd already had children. Because I didn't want that pressure. I don't want the pressure of Okay, if he wants children, I can't give him that, Like what if I've passed that stage in my life. And another thing that's really hard about dating in your forties is for me, is finding a man that's not intimidated.

00:02:50
Speaker 2: I've dated and.

00:02:52
Speaker 1: Then men see how I'm living and it's like, oh, I can't keep up with that, and I'm like, I don't need you to keep up the things I need from you. Of Course, I want someone who has something going on with for themselves.

00:03:02
Speaker 2: Of course I want.

00:03:03
Speaker 1: Somebody who can do the things for me that I can do for them, but it doesn't have to always be on the level that I do it, because that's not what I need you for.

00:03:11
Speaker 2: I need love. I need affection.

00:03:13
Speaker 1: I need the love languages and when there's five and I need all of them. I need someone that is emotionally supportive to me, someone that supports my career. And I've found that a lot of men are not in a space of maturity or even have the bandwidth to give me that they're so used to just buying women and oh, I'll go do this, I'll pay for this and everything's gonna be okay. No, like I need some like I need you to be my homie, my lover, and my friend. And that's where I feel like, even dating, I just haven't found all three of those things in a man.

00:03:51
Speaker 2: When I think about some of my like worst and best dates.

00:03:58
Speaker 1: One of the best dates I ever had, I was living in DC and this was when The Delaware's Pride was out. Anybody who knows me knows I can quote the Delaware's product from top to bottom, like I.

00:04:10
Speaker 2: Love that movie.

00:04:11
Speaker 1: And we I had never taken a train ride before, so we took the train from DC to New York. He took me to Nobu fifty seven. And this is like when Nobu was like just starting to pop because it was in every rap song, so like it was like all we want to know voo tonight. So we went to Nobu and then the next day he took me to see The Color Purple. After the play, he took me to Smith and Lewinsky, which was the restaurant that Meryl Streep had Anne Hathaway go get her lunch. And when she brought it, she goes, oh, I don't need that. I'm going to have lunch with Demachier and.

00:04:45
Speaker 2: She was like pissed.

00:04:48
Speaker 1: So she takes the plate and throws it in the sink, and the plate cracks and all this stuff.

00:04:52
Speaker 2: So we went there.

00:04:53
Speaker 1: We got the exact same steak that mal Streep had ordered, or that Anne Hathaway had ordered for mel Streep, and I was like, this is the most thoughtful Valentine's Day I've ever had and probably still won the most thoughtful weekends. Somebody's like really planned out for me. And then we got back home. He bought me my friend Louis time.

00:05:12
Speaker 2: Bag and I was like, okay, yeah, this is great. And then I found out that he was a scammer. Yeah.

00:05:22
Speaker 1: They always say when things seem to be too good to be true, they probably are, and it was I was like, Lord, how does man work for the government and he's scamming. He had this man and I don't want to be stereotypical, because we if you're living in in Atlanta, we know there's a lot of scammers and most of them are of African descent. So he had this African friend who he's like, he owed him some money and he's like, hey, baby, can whatever his name was put this money in your account?

00:05:51
Speaker 2: So I was like sure, So I wake up.

00:05:53
Speaker 1: One morning and there's like, no, oh, I wake up and there's like a million dollars, a negative million dollars on my bank statement. I'm like, a negative million dollars. I'm like, first of all, I'm working for the governor. I know I ain't making no million dollars. I'm like, and what is who put out a million? It wasn't saying negative? So I called the bank and they were like, oh, that's because there's a fraddler on your account because the money that was deposited the other day was actually stolen.

00:06:21
Speaker 2: What y'all? I cannot make this shit up. So like, oh my lunch wrick.

00:06:25
Speaker 1: I had to go to make of America and put out an affidavit to let them know it wasn't me, and they're like, no, we know it wasn't you. But I couldn't have an account with them for like years because of that.

00:06:37
Speaker 2: It was crazy.

00:06:38
Speaker 1: So you gotta be careful who date and get to know people, because that was it turned.

00:06:41
Speaker 2: It was real good and then it got real bad. Let's see another bad date.

00:06:49
Speaker 1: I want to tell y'all some funny stories and honest, i'mna be honest with you guys. I haven't really like been in a serious relationship since twenty seventeen, so the dating has been very far and few bets queen, But I dated this other guy who was a little older, and one of my biggest pet peas is someone.

00:07:08
Speaker 2: Who doesn't tip. Well, judge me if you want to.

00:07:11
Speaker 1: But I feel like when there are people in hospitality, you should take care of them, especially if they look out for you, and especially if I'm taking to because I made I actually set the reservation up because that.

00:07:23
Speaker 2: Was another thing I was always having to set up everything. I'm like, dog, like, can you do anything?

00:07:29
Speaker 1: Like?

00:07:30
Speaker 2: What is going on? Like?

00:07:31
Speaker 1: I don't understand that about men who like don't It's like the courtship has been lost. Like how men used to like send flowers. We're gonna talk about that too. How many used to send flowers, make to take time in advance to set up, Hey, I want to take you out on this day? They wait till the day of Oh what are you doing tonight? There's no initiative anymore. We're gonna talk about the flowers real quick. So I love flowers. Anybody who knows me knows that I love flowers. Do you know how I dated this guy and he literally looked me in my face and said, do you know why I haven't got any flowers?

00:08:07
Speaker 2: And I was like, why, I do want to know?

00:08:09
Speaker 1: Actually, yes, he said, because he'd said because that because.

00:08:12
Speaker 2: You want them. What sense does that make?

00:08:17
Speaker 1: He said, But when I do do it, he said, it's gonna be so elaborate.

00:08:20
Speaker 2: You're gonna be like, oh my gosh. And I was like, you're making no sense.

00:08:24
Speaker 1: If you know, this is a part of my love language, and this is something that makes me happy.

00:08:28
Speaker 2: Do it because I do that for you.

00:08:31
Speaker 1: And that's another thing understanding like how people need to be loved because the way I love may not be the way my man needs to be loved. So understanding that, Hey, okay, Chrystal's love language is all the love languages. So let me make sure at some point I'm touching her. Let me make sure at some point I give her affection. To make sure at some point I give her affirmations, I give her gifts, I do access service for her. And I'm not I feel like that's all encompassed in a relationship. And I'm not saying do all those things every single day, but like just consistently let me know, hey babe, I.

00:09:03
Speaker 2: See you, I hear you, and I feel you. And when he did that, I was just like, okay, this is crazy. I was like, you're not my guy, you can go.

00:09:15
Speaker 1: Then the other guy who didn't tip, well, it was just like, you know, if you don't treat I feel like you don't treat the way you treat like waiters and people who are there to serve you. If you don't treat them right, that's and immediately dismissal for me. Even when I think about like the dating process as a forty year old woman, it's not the same as it was in my thirties, Like since don't have time, you know, I'm like, okay, what are we doing? Like I'm not applying the pressure like they won unless I really really like you.

00:09:45
Speaker 2: I'm like, is he my husband or my guys?

00:09:47
Speaker 1: And because I need to know what are we doing? Apply the pressure because I like you? But I am I do like to take time to get to know my person. I am big on referrals. I really do not like meeting strangers. I want to know somebody that knows you to be like to vouch for you and say okay, Yeah, this person isn't crazy or this is his past, it's what he's been through. I need a little little backstory, background check on.

00:10:15
Speaker 2: You just need to feel safe.

00:10:17
Speaker 1: And then even with my success, like I have to be more strategic about the type of men that I even am around. You know, I have to make sure that you just don't have a lot going on, that you're here for the right reasons. Even like the dating phase, like before, I could go a year and still be wondering like what are we doing now after a few months, Like Okay, we know each other, Like what are we doing?

00:10:42
Speaker 2: Like are we gonna make something official? You're trying to put a ring on it, You're trying to be my life partner. What.

00:10:49
Speaker 1: But it's definitely a situation where I'm open. I had to get I used to like to stay in the house all the time, and I was like, Chris, so you're never going to find a man if you don't leave the house.

00:10:59
Speaker 2: But y'all, even that.

00:11:00
Speaker 1: Even just getting ready, putting a makeup on, doing your hair, finding an outfit, going to shop for an outfit because you feel like I don't have nothing to wear, and then you get out there and nobody approaches you.

00:11:14
Speaker 2: What am I doing?

00:11:16
Speaker 1: I find myself coming home. I done spent two hundred dollars on a meal and drinks.

00:11:21
Speaker 2: And still ain't got no action. What's going on?

00:11:24
Speaker 1: I'm still trying to figure it out, and people like men don't approach him, Like no nobody approaches me.

00:11:30
Speaker 2: I'm like, I don't know if I look like I mean or.

00:11:33
Speaker 1: Some people say I'm unapproachable. Other people say, oh, you look like you already got a man.

00:11:37
Speaker 2: I'm like, I don't. I don't. I don't if I need to put a sign on bag.

00:11:41
Speaker 1: I'm single, ready to mingle and maybe somebody will holler. But like, I try to be more conscious of like smiling at people starting conversation or been saying hello just so the guy can know like okay, she's interested, or that was an invitation to have a further conversation.

00:12:00
Speaker 2: But y'all don't get it, like I don't understand. Help me.

00:12:04
Speaker 1: I need somebody to respond to this and tell me what I need to do, because your girl need't tell. And one of the biggest things for me is being intentional. And I let people know straight out the gate listen, if you're not intentional, I'm in a very intentional space in my life right now. I know what I want, I know what I'm ready for, I know what I bring to the table. So when you come into this table, I need you to understand, ain't no half ass and ain't no like or.

00:12:35
Speaker 2: I'll call it when I want to call her. I'm gonna carry her any kind of way.

00:12:38
Speaker 1: Certain times, like in my thirties, I feel like I had a little more grace or I feel like I put up with more because I wasn't as secure a who I am. But now I'm not putting up with it. I need you to come in knowing what you want and saying, hey, I see you, and I know you're a good woman. I know I need to take that serious, even if it's just as a friendship. I need to come in here knowing that I need to get to know you. I'm not playing with you, and where it goes is where it goes. I may have even put up with like cheating.

00:13:12
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying.

00:13:13
Speaker 1: I dealt with that, and I would forgive and be like it's okay because I struggled with.

00:13:18
Speaker 2: And I still kind of struggle with this. I'm still trying to figure this part out.

00:13:23
Speaker 1: How we put marital expectations on dating.

00:13:29
Speaker 2: So we were not married.

00:13:32
Speaker 1: But I don't want you. I want you to be monogamous, exclusive. I want you to treat me like your wife, and.

00:13:39
Speaker 2: I want all the all the rewards of a husband, and we're not married.

00:13:45
Speaker 1: So I had a friend of mine she was like, I just believe that you're singing until you're married. Until you're married, Like it's not under God, but we know at some point it has to be like, Okay, this is decision.

00:13:55
Speaker 2: This is what I'm doing.

00:13:57
Speaker 1: And I would put up with a lot of things because I was like, well, like he's got to get to have a system.

00:14:01
Speaker 2: You know.

00:14:01
Speaker 1: And I would make excuses for him, and then I would also try to justify, well, yeah, we're not made, so technically you can do what you want to do until we get married. But at what point does the man say, you know what, I'm ready to go ahead and start practicing being a husband, because I know you gonna want me to cook, you want me to clean, keep the house right, keep my body right, you want me to put it down right. You're gonna want me to carry myself in a certain way, and all that encompasses a wife, and I feel like that was something that I dealt with it I would I probably wouldn't deal with in my forties. Something else I dealt with in my forties was inconsistency.

00:14:43
Speaker 2: I mean in my thirties.

00:14:44
Speaker 1: Something I felt dealt with in my thirties was inconsistency. I would allow man to just kind of come in and come out. I had a lot of relationships where it was off and on, and whenever he called back, we were back on.

00:14:58
Speaker 2: We'd fade out and I would do what I was doing.

00:15:01
Speaker 1: He would do what he was doing, and then he call and say he missed me, and it was like, okay, we're back.

00:15:05
Speaker 2: You know. I had a guy that I did that with for like six years.

00:15:09
Speaker 1: He was like off and on, off and on, and to this day it's funny and they're like, you know that's your husband.

00:15:13
Speaker 2: I'm like no. They was like, well, he's still like with nobody, and I'm like yeah, because he got issues. He has commit me issues, and I was like, this is not my husband.

00:15:25
Speaker 1: Something else that I dealt with in my thirties that I would not do now is the line like I just let's just say this. I put up with a lot of shit that I would not put up with now. And that's because I don't have the tolerance. I have a zero tolerance for blind cheating, for inconsistency, for someone who a deal break for me is someone who's not like a man of God, who doesn't want to go to church, like I need somebody that I can do everything with.

00:15:57
Speaker 2: I don't want to just we man.

00:15:58
Speaker 1: We go on vacations together, we go to dinner together, we go to ball games together, we do all the things together. But when it on Sundays, I'm the only one going to church. That ain't gonna work for me. I need somebody that's like, baby, we're gonna pray together to because we gotta keep this thing tight. And that's for me, is like one of the biggest, biggest things. I always say that when people are like, what are you looking forward to?

00:16:18
Speaker 2: Man?

00:16:19
Speaker 1: And I always say, I want a man that has to seek God to get to me. When they see me, they're like, ooh, I can't go about the same way I didn't want it with all these other women. I gotta go with this woman different. Lord help me secure this because I know if I do it, I'm gona mess it up.

00:16:34
Speaker 2: I need you to seek him first before you step over here. Okay. Secondly, how he treats his mother.

00:16:40
Speaker 1: I want him to like if my mother always said, watch how man treats his mom, because that's how he's gonna treat you.

00:16:44
Speaker 2: And it's so true.

00:16:47
Speaker 1: I look at how he is around his friends, the friend the company that he keeps, how he is when I bring my friends around, because a lot of times you can kind of tell when you bring them in.

00:16:56
Speaker 2: A different environments. You're like, okay, I see how you carry yourself.

00:16:59
Speaker 1: I want somebody that I can in any room, whether we with the president of the Atlanta Hawks suite or we are at a children's center helping some kids. Like I want to know that I can put you in any room when you're gonna adapt, and I can go to the bathroom, you're not gonna embarrass me, okay, because some folks you cannot leave unattended. Another thing that I look for in a man is honesty and integrity. Integrity is so important because if you don't have that, it's just everything else starts to crumble. The way he handles himself, takes care of his body, that's important. And I've noticed that, like the older I get, it's less about the physical.

00:17:43
Speaker 2: Don't get me wrong, that's we got eyes.

00:17:45
Speaker 1: That's the first thing you do is you see, you see the person like dang, okay, what's up, daddy. And then it's like, okay, well what else you got? You're saying as of that, but I still want to be like, Okay, I see you. But I've noticed that the older I get, the the less important the physical is. It's more about your spirit and your soul. And I've found like I've given guys who may not be worldly, like the quote unquote like world definition of fine, and then I get to know and I'm like, wow, you really are fine. You may not be like what the world deems beautiful, but like your spirit is so beautiful. I dated this one guy and he was Muslim, and my parents were so mad. They were like, you are that's unequally yoked, Like you shouldn't date somebody who's not Christian. And I was like, and this is really kind of what changed my view on religion. But we'll talk about that in a second. And I was like, but nobody's ever loved me the way he has. This guy was the kindest person. He loved the way I love. I love really hard. He loved hard. There was nothing that I didn't have to ask for anything. If he saw that I needed it, it was done. I was like, he was so attend and we're still good friends to this day. And he came to my college graduation. He got to meet my family. After this man and my family they were like, oh my god, we love him because they saw what I saw and just a beautiful, beautiful soul. But taking it back to the religion part, because of that and the way my parents reacted to that whole unequally yoked thing. Because of the way the way he made me feel and the way he loved me, it started to make me think that religion was just put in place to give people rules to live by, to like, so that people could be good. And in all of all the religions, there's like one thing in common is love your neighbor as yourself, Like be good to people. How you treat people is what's going to come back to you. And if a lot if the whole world followed that, it would be such a loving world. And I don't get I haven't studied like deeply all the different religions, but I feel like it was all put into place so that we can just be good people and have some type of rules to live by so we're not reckless.

00:20:04
Speaker 2: But that was mine.

00:20:06
Speaker 1: He's the only Muslim up dated, honestly, Like I used to want like the hot boy, you know what I'm saying. They had it going on the most popular. Even from like high school, I always dated like the start of football team.

00:20:20
Speaker 2: College, I paid it the start of the basketball.

00:20:22
Speaker 1: Team, and then I it was a phase of my life where I started to attract like dudes. It was making a lot of money and I got I was in college and that was when I was exposed to like my first like millionaire boyfriend, and I was like, whoa, this is a different life. And being exposed to at a very young age was like it was a lot, you know, and then you get you get exposed to it, and that's what you It's almost like a drug. It's like you get addicted to the life, the access, everything that comes with that.

00:20:57
Speaker 2: And I saw that like it was a trend.

00:20:59
Speaker 1: I continued to attract that type of man, somebody that was always like high end stature, and I think it was and I started to even look at me and like, Okay, Yashmas might take care of me. I had that mentality because I didn't have nothing going on. But when you when I started having something going on and the table started turning, I was making my own money. I was standing on my own two feet. I didn't have to pay on him to pay my bills. I could do it on my own. That's when I started looking for different things than a man. I was looking for somebody to take care of me when I was younger, But as I started to come into my own, I was like, no, like I need something deeper, Like it's not all.

00:21:36
Speaker 2: About the fame.

00:21:37
Speaker 1: It's not about the riches because those men I'm not putting all men who make a lot of money or men of stature and high status in the same box.

00:21:49
Speaker 2: But it's a lot that comes with their life.

00:21:52
Speaker 1: And you deal with infidelity, you deal with ego, you deal with a lot of loneliness because they're always busy, and those are things like okay, do I want that?

00:22:04
Speaker 2: Like is this a life I want?

00:22:05
Speaker 1: Do I want to be by myself all the time while he's out doing god knows what because he feels like he can because he's the one bringing all the money in. So when I started making my own money, I started my whole idea of what I wanted and the man.

00:22:19
Speaker 2: Started to change.

00:22:20
Speaker 1: And not saying that my success defines me, but I'm not gonna sit here on the line and say that it didn't boost my confidence and make me like I don't need you.

00:22:28
Speaker 2: You know, I can do this on my own. I want you.

00:22:31
Speaker 1: And there's a difference between needing somebody and wanting somebody when you want them. It's a choice. I'm making a choice to be with you when I need you. It's like, nigga, I'm not gonna be able to survive if I don't have you. And the need turns into something different, like I need that spiritual connection. I need you mentally, like you have my heart and my soul. Now it's not all like tangible things when now for what I am now, But yeah, it's definitely changed. I look more on the inside than the outside. It's not all about it's not all about what you can do for me at this age, It's about how you can feed me, and that's what it really is. How can you feed me? How can you feed my spirit? How can I learn from you. There's guys that like literally can be top NBA players that like, Crystal, I will marry you tomorrow, And I'm.

00:23:30
Speaker 2: Like, bro, the conversation is horrible, Like.

00:23:33
Speaker 1: I'm gonna safe your sexual you get me here, You're gonna get me there, you gotta you gotta get the mind first. I'm like, every time I'm on the phone with you, I'm like, and I know you'll buy me every Chanel collection, everything in Gucci. You'll take me on every trip I want to go on. But when we're there, what we're talking about, Like, it's something about that, Like I have to be stimulated mentally. So those are the things I look for now as a forty ye old And that's what the difference is.

00:24:07
Speaker 2: For sure.

00:24:09
Speaker 1: A man that's hollering at forty year old Crystal needs to come with some confidence, some swag. He gotta come knowing, like I need to see that you know that you can handle me, because I don't feel like you can handle me. I'm like, okay, I'm not to run all over you, like I need to know that when you come to me, you come with intention. It's like, listen, like this is where in my life I want to get to know you. I want to take you serious. Come to me single. Don't be having a whole bunch of stuff going on. Okay some scragglists, go ahead and let them fall by the wayside before you come over here, because I need you to be open to receive all that your blessings that God has for.

00:24:48
Speaker 2: You, because I'm a blessing. Hey, I need you to know I'm a blessing.

00:24:54
Speaker 1: I had one guy tell me he's like, you know, Crystal, He's like, I just wonder sometimes, am I missing my blessing? Because I'm in a He's in a very like he's in a very evolutionary phase of his life where this I mean talking about he is doing amazing things. And he's like, and I wonder because of where I am and I'm in a phase where I have to be selfish and there are phases in life where you have to focus on yourself. He's like, am I missing my blessing? And I looked up at him and I said, you are. But that's okay. You gotta do what you feel is right for you. And if the time is right and we're supposed to be together, we'll be together. When the time is right, and if not, you're a great friend and I'm here for you. I support you, but you're not about to play with me. We can be cool. We got to keep it just like this, keep it friendly. Don't don't play with me when you know this is not what you're ready for. So he's got to be intentional. He's got to be ready for open for something serious, because I'm telling you, like when you come oporate here, you're not You're gonna love it. You're gonna love it here and you're not gonna leave. So yeah, he gotta come confident. He got to come intentional and ready. So I talked about it. I said that I like, I love referrals. But in two thousand and nineteen, my friends were like, Crystal, why are you single?

00:26:08
Speaker 2: Like you are such an.

00:26:10
Speaker 1: Amazing woman, Like there, I know there's somebody out there for you. And I had two friends that had met on Riah, which is just like high end elite dating site. You gotta get vetted so like anybody just can't sign up for the site.

00:26:23
Speaker 2: And I was like okay, Like I felt.

00:26:26
Speaker 1: A little more comfortable and safe about it because for me, like I've heard the horror stories of people meeting on dating sites and this is not everybody's story, but for me, in my scary behind, I'm like, that'll be my story. It's like, I don't wanna be on the news because I went on dating site and met some crazy man. But I got on there and I was scrolling through, I was like, oh my goodness. It took me like a week or two to even get approved. So I get on there and I'm like, uh, And then a few guys that I did match with they never hit me. So I was just like, what, Okay, this is stupid. So I deactivated my account and hats off to anybody who does that, and it actually works, like because I feel like there are some good people out there who use dating sites for the right reasons, and those are people who are You're all everybody's looking for a relationship, So it's not like you're going out there and we're not on the same page. We're we definitely have the same end goal in mind that we ready to be with somebody and we wanna get married or whatever the case may be. But I'm big on referrals. I'm not too keen on the dating sites. Somebody asking for when I go on like a dating s a dating show. No, yeah, no, I would never go Somebody literally didn't do didn't somebody ask me to, Like, somebody did ask me about some type of show, and we're like, well a hosted but we're not like coming on it. Yes I can, yeah, all we were both like nah, I just I don't know, Like it's something about that and and that's whatever you do is your business. And I watch the shows. I think they're fun to watch, and I'm very intrigued by it. But I'm not putting myself out there on live television.

00:28:05
Speaker 2: I do that already through my work.

00:28:08
Speaker 1: I'm not about to put you like in that all my business trying to find love. There was another show too, was it Looking for Love that will Packard producers.

00:28:16
Speaker 2: Yeah that my mom loves that show. But yeah, no, I don't think I would do a dating show or anything like that either. When it comes to like dating and that timeline of okay, we met, we get to know each other, you're courting me, Okay, now are we exclusive? Are we doing this thing? What are we doing?

00:28:38
Speaker 1: The most uncomfortable position to be in a relationship or in a dating phase is to the point where you're like confused about what we're doing. I talked to this guy for a year and didn't know what we were doing. And when I finally asked him, I was like, so, what do we doing?

00:28:53
Speaker 2: I know guys hate that question.

00:28:55
Speaker 1: It's like a or they hate that we need to talk and they hate that what are we doing?

00:28:58
Speaker 2: It's like.

00:29:00
Speaker 1: And I'm like, I don't And I tried to use my tone like so what are we doing?

00:29:05
Speaker 2: Not so what are we doing?

00:29:07
Speaker 1: I tried to be very particular about how I said it because I didn't want to like scare him or him.

00:29:11
Speaker 2: Be hrh to go in the shell and be like, oh God, I don't want to talk about this.

00:29:15
Speaker 1: And he was like we're I'm thinking we're dating and he's like, oh no, He's like, we're getting to.

00:29:19
Speaker 2: Know each other. I'm like, bruh, how much knowing do we need to get?

00:29:24
Speaker 1: Like, come on, Passadarius and pastor Shamika say collecting data. I was like, it ain't that much data to collect. I showed you in three months what it was. If you ain't catch it, you ain't catch it. So I'm thinking we dating. And that's the importance of communication because women will be thinking one thing and a man will be thinking another. So I feel like at that point, I was in my thirties and I waited a year to kind of figure.

00:29:47
Speaker 2: Out what we were doing.

00:29:49
Speaker 1: But now I feel like, within within ninety days that three months hid we need to know what we're doing, you know, Like I'm not gonna keep wasting my time if you're unsh sure because I'm an open book. When my energy is very like penetrating, like you're gonna feel it, and it's either you're gonna feel it or you're not feeling it, So like, make a decision, don't stream me along. I need you to be very vocal about how you feel. So yeah, I would say about three months is my like waiting period to kind of figure out where it's going. At this age, I'm gonna have a man who I don't have to ask. He's gonna tell me or I might have to hit him with the I'm about to go go out tonight.

00:30:36
Speaker 2: Am I taking her a?

00:30:37
Speaker 1: Cause I need to let these men know what it is because I know they're gonna be owe me, you know, or not because they don't be approaching me.

00:30:44
Speaker 2: But am I taking her at all? You know? I need to know. I might hit him with that, you hear, They'll probably catch them off guard.

00:30:51
Speaker 1: But no, like I at some point, like I feel at that point, I'll be like, so what are we doing?

00:30:57
Speaker 2: Like this is where I.

00:30:58
Speaker 1: Am, This is how I feel about you, and if I'm asking you that that means I feel safe with you.

00:31:03
Speaker 2: I want to take this further.

00:31:05
Speaker 1: But I hope that the men that I attract now, I hope that I'm attracting likeness and people who think like me that I'm not even gonna have to ask that too. He's gonna come to me and like, babe, like this is where I am. I want to take this to the next level with you, and I'm gonna speak that my next man. I'm not evenna have to ask him, because he's gonna tell me, and he's gonna let me know, baby, this is what it is.

00:31:27
Speaker 2: I got you, we and this thing.

00:31:29
Speaker 1: And it's so funny because my parents got engaged within six months and they were married by the eighth month, so it was a very fast track marriage. And my mom always says, they don't take nobody that law and to figure out they want to be with you or not.

00:31:45
Speaker 2: Now, I will say that. I go back and forth to this.

00:31:51
Speaker 1: Some days I want marriage, other days I want a life partner. There's been a time where I wondered if I just wanted a commitment ceremony because I wanted to be I wanted to honor God and get married before God, but not in the law.

00:32:07
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying.

00:32:07
Speaker 1: I feel like it just gets weird and technical when it comes to getting married the way that the United States and everybody else wants you to get married. But I feel like that's between you and God. And if we can honor God and live by those vals, that's all I need. And what we do together, how we build together, is ours. And if it don't work, you go your way.

00:32:28
Speaker 2: I go mind.

00:32:29
Speaker 1: We slip what we've done together. I leave what I came with, You leave what you came with. But then the other time, it's like, Okay, let's get married.

00:32:36
Speaker 2: I don't know. I still want my ring. Whichever way I do it. I need that ring. Okay, let's talk about them minimum eight.

00:32:46
Speaker 1: What Jaz said, right, so be it can't can't even fit her hand in or do purse.

00:32:50
Speaker 2: Yeah, I need that. I need that thing. I need the one that I like got to take off some days, my baby, it's just too big. It's just too big. Everything's to big. It's too big. It's too it's too strong, it won't fit.

00:33:15
Speaker 1: All the things.

00:33:16
Speaker 2: It's just a big energy. Okay. They're young and a fun boy.

00:33:20
Speaker 1: They keep you young, They keep you young. You know what I like about young men is that they're very confident. If they're like attracted to an older woman, those little boys be coming with some confidence, It's like, okay, they make you feel good about yourself.

00:33:35
Speaker 2: They hype you up.

00:33:37
Speaker 1: And I think we do the same thing for them older women is like we struck their ego.

00:33:42
Speaker 2: We make them feel more of.

00:33:43
Speaker 1: A man, and it's like they feel like they're conquering something.

00:33:49
Speaker 2: But little do you know we conquering them. We just let them think that they doing something.

00:33:55
Speaker 1: Yeah, my date, I did go through a phase where all I was attracting was twenty years old old, and like even boys they be like, well, I'm twenty nine.

00:34:03
Speaker 2: They went to twenty eight, twenty nine, and.

00:34:05
Speaker 1: Then I met a thirty year old and finally I'm meeting like men in their forties where I'm like, okay, been through some things. Have a better understanding of life. That's what I need. Me and young men, I realize there's some good conversation, we have fun together, but when it gets to that depth and what I really need in a relationship, they can't really provide me with that. And there are some young men that have gone through enough in their childhood where they're like, I'm like, wow, like you actually have an old soul, and it's because the things they've been been through. Look for me, I definitely need somebody a little older, someone that's my age, that understands and has that maturity.

00:34:41
Speaker 2: I feel like there are.

00:34:42
Speaker 1: Pros and cons, so like dating guys that are a little older than you, I personally wouldn't go over five to eight years older than me. I kind of want to keep it in that range because I feel like once you get like into the fifties and the sixties, that's.

00:34:57
Speaker 2: Just we got it.

00:34:59
Speaker 1: It's just too much and like as you my daddy, like for real, I can't do that. But even like the energy and like the fun. There's some fifties and sixty year olds that like, I like to have fun, But I feel like my age range, like we're still young, we still have a lot of vigor. We like to go out, like to travel. I need somebody to keep up with me. Cause when I go out, like especially out the country, I like to have a good time, and I'm out partying, I might be on the table. I don't need you to be embarrassed, like I wanna have a good time and I don't feel like sometimes like older people, they just wanna stay in the house all the time or wanna do boring stuff like I.

00:35:38
Speaker 2: Don't wanna go play bingo, like what I'm tryna know.

00:35:47
Speaker 1: I'm tryna you know that's what old people be doing.

00:35:53
Speaker 2: Don't fussy playing bingo, going to bingo night, No bruh. All right, go on, I'm gonna be over it. I'll be at no boo. I'll let me.

00:36:05
Speaker 1: One of the first young boy I talked to we met through a mutual friend. We had dinner together. We pulled up on and we had dinner with him, and I thought he liked my friend. So then I get a call and my brother's like, yo, so and so wants your number, And I was like me, I was like, cause my friend is like a lot younger than than I am. So I just knew that he wanted my friend. He's like nah, he said you and I said oh, I said okay. I was like, yeah, you can give my number. So I hit him and he was like, hey, what's up. He's like I want to fly you out, Like I want to bring you to where I live.

00:36:37
Speaker 2: If I say too much, people in the hotel about but yeah, I want to bring you to where I am.

00:36:43
Speaker 1: And he was very like assertive in life, was very made plans all right, send me your birthday and all this stuff if you out, put you in the hotel because I know we don't know each other like that, and it was time to go eat. So like he came and picked me up. He did all the things. It was like every thought out and I was like okay, little boy, I see what you's doing. And he was just like oh yeah, he's like I saw you.

00:37:07
Speaker 2: And I was like yo, Like who is that? He said? Soon as you walked in. I was like who is that? He's all that's Crystal and I was like yeah. I was like, I'm a lot older than you. Said, I don't care about that.

00:37:16
Speaker 1: Where they say age ain't nothing but a number, y'all love to use that line.

00:37:19
Speaker 2: I was like, age is more than number. Once we get down the line, Okay, we gotta right now.

00:37:26
Speaker 1: It's all cute, But when we get to the nitty gritty and you start wanting babies and talking other things, I'm.

00:37:30
Speaker 2: Like, uh, I'm forty years old. So he came with a real confident. It came strong. He was already booking flights, playing dates, and I was like, Okay, I like that. I like that.

00:37:48
Speaker 1: All right, guys, here is one of my favorite parts of the show where we have positive outcomes, where you guys right into me and I give you my advice. So this one says miss Crystal. Hey, Crystal, I am a huge fan.

00:38:03
Speaker 2: Of your work.

00:38:04
Speaker 1: I'm forty three years old and recently divorced with a fifteen year old son. My marriage was over a long time before we decided to end.

00:38:12
Speaker 2: It ain't that it.

00:38:15
Speaker 1: My son loves his father to death and took the divorce really hard. Now I'm single and ready to mingle, but I'm scared to date today's man because I was married for twenty years. I have no clue on how to date, and I know my son is gonna give whoever I date the blues. Can you please give me some advice on how to put myself back out there.

00:38:35
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, if.

00:38:37
Speaker 1: You've been d married, if you were married for twenty years, I totally understand because dating has completely changed and today's man is not the man twenty years ago. So I'm gonna tell you to buckle up, cause it's hard out here for a pimp.

00:38:52
Speaker 2: Like, it's real hard.

00:38:53
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, like people think, I tell people honestly who have.

00:38:57
Speaker 2: Troubles in their marriages.

00:38:59
Speaker 1: I was like, do everything you can to work that thing out, because when you come out here, ain't nothing out here. So I'm gonna be honest with you. It's gonna be hard, but I want you to be open minded. I want you to get up, go to like restaurants where you feel like you can meet people sometimes like nice hotel bars and nice places and meet people. You want to go to places that attract the type of man that you want. Don't just like go anywhere. You gotta be very strategic about where you go. My friend used to tell me, like, go to Whole Foods, put on a cute little workout outfit because that's where all the doctors go for lunch. And I was like, what you gonna I'm serious, whistle go to Starbucks in the morning, because that's where everybody goes to get to get their coffee. And she was like, you think about it. You want to strategically put yourself in the places that you want to meet the caliber of man that you want. As far as your son, sons are overprotective of their mother, so I'm sure whoever you date your son's gonna.

00:39:51
Speaker 2: Give a hard time.

00:39:52
Speaker 1: But yeah, I would say just be open mind and know this's not gonna be easy, that it's gonna be a lot harder than it was twenty years ago. But honey, if that's what you want, you deserve it, and I want you to go get your man.

00:40:03
Speaker 2: Okay, keep it positive, Sleepy. What I'm going through and what I'm growing through in this season of my life when it comes to dating in my forties, I am going through developing patience.

00:40:26
Speaker 1: For the timeline that God has me on to get a man, because right now, I'm like, Lord, where is he?

00:40:33
Speaker 2: And I feel like he's coming this year? I really do. I feel like he's coming this.

00:40:36
Speaker 1: Year, But Lord, where is he? And I'm growing through this season learning myself and preparing myself for that man.

00:40:45
Speaker 2: So in therapy.

00:40:47
Speaker 1: I'm really trying to unpack more things so that I can be my full self when I do find or attract because I'm not fine, he gonna find me, find my man. So yeah, that's what I'm going through and what I'm growing through. Guys, this has been an amazing episode. I hope you guys enjoyed it for the keep it blank, sweety, what we gonna say, i'm'a say, keep it mm keep it cute, sweetie, Okay, cause listen, we're forty, we're fabulous, we're fine. Just keep it cute, have fun with it, and stay open minded. Thank you guys so much for tuning into this episode. If you wanna write into my Positive Outcomes Listening letter, make sure you write to Keep It Positive Sweetie at gmail dot com. You can find me on All Things All platforms at love christ Orine, follow me tap in and let me know how you guys are enjoying the show. I hope it's blessing you as much as it's blessing me.

00:41:39
Speaker 2: M wah. And in the meantime, you know what to do. Keep it positive, Sweetie,