#43 Maura

Hello, Jackie Cohen. 0:00:03.480 --> 0:00:06.040 In the last fifteen hours, you have sexty more than 0:00:06.080 --> 0:00:07.440 you're sext me in the last six months. 0:00:07.520 --> 0:00:08.320 What's going on? 0:00:08.560 --> 0:00:11.400 Okay, So I got a whole bunch of headshots taken, 0:00:11.720 --> 0:00:12.960 and I need to choose one. 0:00:13.800 --> 0:00:14.480 We're lucky for you. 0:00:14.520 --> 0:00:15.440 I'm doing nothing right now. 0:00:15.480 --> 0:00:17.360 You're in front of your smartphone. 0:00:17.400 --> 0:00:18.840 Right now, my smartphone? 0:00:18.840 --> 0:00:20.919 Well then my smartphone. 0:00:21.040 --> 0:00:25.560 Okay, here's the first one. Kind of a bearded bohemian. Look, 0:00:25.960 --> 0:00:27.960 here we go. Just send it to your cell. 0:00:28.720 --> 0:00:30.680 Oh my god, it makes me look like a bum. 0:00:30.800 --> 0:00:33.159 All right. Okay, how about this one beside a plant 0:00:33.640 --> 0:00:38.080 no denim shirt and denim vest in a cagle cap 0:00:38.800 --> 0:00:41.520 in a law library, sitting in a bean bag chair 0:00:41.920 --> 0:00:43.080 eating a powdered doughnut. 0:00:43.479 --> 0:00:43.960 Of course. 0:00:45.760 --> 0:00:47.760 Okay, all I've got left is this one of me 0:00:47.840 --> 0:00:50.080 in a turtleneck and a pair of overalls. 0:00:51.159 --> 0:00:51.360 Yeah. 0:00:51.800 --> 0:01:02.240 No, I like overalls from Ghimili Media. I'm Jonathan Goldstein 0:01:02.520 --> 0:01:14.399 and this is Heavyweight Today's episode Mara right after the break. 0:01:21.560 --> 0:01:24.360 Here are some things to know about Mara. She has 0:01:24.400 --> 0:01:26.760 a clock in her bathroom, so even when she's in 0:01:26.800 --> 0:01:29.240 the shower, she can make sure she's running on time. 0:01:30.120 --> 0:01:32.880 When she meets up with friends, she brings along sparkling 0:01:32.920 --> 0:01:37.160 water so everyone stays hydrated. And on her high school 0:01:37.240 --> 0:01:40.600 rowing team, she was the coxin, the one who steers 0:01:40.640 --> 0:01:44.480 the boat and keeps everyone on course. In other words, 0:01:45.040 --> 0:01:48.320 Mara gets the job done, which is why the one 0:01:48.400 --> 0:01:51.520 job she can't get done bothers her so much that 0:01:51.600 --> 0:01:53.000 it pops up in her dreams. 0:01:53.360 --> 0:01:55.360 You know how people have an anxiety dreams, and it's 0:01:55.400 --> 0:01:58.480 like you're naked, or you're in a test room and 0:01:58.520 --> 0:01:59.640 you've not studied. 0:02:00.200 --> 0:02:02.080 I don't know what yours is, Jonathan. 0:02:02.080 --> 0:02:03.960 I've had that stuff happen in real life. Well you're 0:02:03.960 --> 0:02:07.440 talking about dreaming. Oh interesting, Okay. 0:02:07.480 --> 0:02:12.720 So I have a reoccurring dream about driving that I'm 0:02:13.000 --> 0:02:16.160 behind the wheel of a car, and then all of 0:02:16.200 --> 0:02:19.440 a sudden, there's just like this creeping anxiety where I 0:02:19.520 --> 0:02:21.160 realized that I can't drive. 0:02:24.160 --> 0:02:27.840 Mara does not have a driver's license. Her fear of 0:02:27.919 --> 0:02:31.080 driving began eleven years ago because of what happened to 0:02:31.080 --> 0:02:34.320 one of her cousins, one of her many many cousins. 0:02:34.720 --> 0:02:36.480 I have about forty first cousins. 0:02:37.160 --> 0:02:39.560 Do you know all the names of your forty cousins? 0:02:39.800 --> 0:02:41.720 Of course, I do. 0:02:41.800 --> 0:02:43.280 Could you recite all forty. 0:02:43.080 --> 0:02:51.440 Names Dominica, Michael and Catherine, Shana, Ben and Mary. 0:02:51.760 --> 0:02:54.360 As Mara lists, I try to remember the names of 0:02:54.400 --> 0:02:58.600 my cousins, of which there are two. There's Marty and 0:02:58.680 --> 0:03:02.000 a man named Sence. I want to say Benjamin. 0:03:01.680 --> 0:03:04.080 The twins Chris and Kevin, and Tina. 0:03:04.480 --> 0:03:07.840 In my family, cousins are a coincidence a murder of 0:03:07.919 --> 0:03:12.040 Rando's with the same grandparents. But in Mara's family, a 0:03:12.040 --> 0:03:15.240 cousin is a friend. And of all Mara's forty cousins, 0:03:15.840 --> 0:03:21.240 there was one who was her best friend, Shannon Shannon. 0:03:23.320 --> 0:03:25.880 Mara was two years younger than Shannon and grew up 0:03:25.880 --> 0:03:29.760 in Shannon's hand me downs. They celebrated Christmas and birthdays together, 0:03:30.200 --> 0:03:33.800 spent whole summer days at the pool. Shannon was her cool, 0:03:33.800 --> 0:03:34.720 big sister. 0:03:34.840 --> 0:03:36.600 Someone that you always kind of wanted to have in 0:03:36.640 --> 0:03:40.040 your corner, you know. She was the person that I 0:03:40.080 --> 0:03:43.720 got most excited to have play dates with or sleepovers with. 0:03:44.480 --> 0:03:47.000 As they grew older, Mara and Shannon would go on 0:03:47.080 --> 0:03:50.920 long walks together, talking about their families and gossiping about boys. 0:03:51.600 --> 0:03:53.520 In the fall of two thousand and eight, Shannon went 0:03:53.560 --> 0:03:57.000 away to college, and that summer, Mara was looking forward 0:03:57.000 --> 0:03:59.560 to seeing her again at an upcoming family party. 0:04:00.280 --> 0:04:04.000 It was July third, It was a Friday afternoon, and 0:04:04.040 --> 0:04:06.080 it was my brother's graduation party. 0:04:06.760 --> 0:04:09.320 Mara's family was hosting. So the day of the party, 0:04:09.560 --> 0:04:12.920 Mara helped her mom prepare for guests, tidying the laundry 0:04:12.960 --> 0:04:14.640 room to make it into a bar area. 0:04:15.080 --> 0:04:18.840 So I was sweeping the laundry room and I remember 0:04:18.960 --> 0:04:22.400 the phone ringing and my mom picking up, and it 0:04:22.520 --> 0:04:23.800 was my grandfather. 0:04:24.839 --> 0:04:28.760 And I remember my mom. 0:04:28.640 --> 0:04:32.200 Saying Shannon's name in this her You know the sound 0:04:32.279 --> 0:04:35.159 that people get when they're stressed and their voice just 0:04:35.200 --> 0:04:35.839 gets tight. 0:04:36.720 --> 0:04:37.479 It was like Shannon. 0:04:38.800 --> 0:04:41.640 And then she came into the room and she said, 0:04:42.480 --> 0:04:43.920 Shannon's been an accident. 0:04:44.880 --> 0:04:45.520 She's dead. 0:04:50.600 --> 0:04:53.159 With the place still kind of decorated like a graduation 0:04:53.360 --> 0:04:57.560 party with streamers and confetti, you know, my family just 0:04:57.600 --> 0:04:58.520 started rolling in. 0:05:00.000 --> 0:05:03.320 Already turned into an informal vigil, with the family consoling 0:05:03.360 --> 0:05:06.839 each other in small, hushed groups. It was here that 0:05:06.960 --> 0:05:10.719 Mara overheard an aunt sharing the graphic details of Shannon's death. 0:05:11.360 --> 0:05:13.520 These were images that would stick with her for years 0:05:13.560 --> 0:05:17.480 to come. Mara's aunt explained that while driving back from 0:05:17.520 --> 0:05:21.600 the Jersey Shore for the graduation party, Shannon, her license 0:05:21.640 --> 0:05:25.039 barely a few weeks old, accidentally swerved off the highway 0:05:25.440 --> 0:05:28.680 and drove through a guardrail and into a tree. The 0:05:28.680 --> 0:05:31.760 car spun around and hit another tree. It was the 0:05:31.800 --> 0:05:33.200 second tree that crushed her. 0:05:34.760 --> 0:05:37.400 You know, when news like that hits you, it doesn't 0:05:37.480 --> 0:05:41.000 really hit you, you know. I cried a little bit, but 0:05:41.080 --> 0:05:45.960 it was like this kind of sprint and then like normalcy. 0:05:46.040 --> 0:05:48.400 It only began to sink in a few weeks later, 0:05:48.600 --> 0:05:51.440 while MARAA was traveling for a race, she was staying 0:05:51.480 --> 0:05:54.120 in a hotel room with her rowing team. It was 0:05:54.120 --> 0:05:57.280 her birthday, and I. 0:05:57.240 --> 0:06:01.800 Remember like at midnight into the bathroom and running the 0:06:01.839 --> 0:06:07.279 shower and just like sobbing, I think for the first time, 0:06:08.000 --> 0:06:11.919 like realizing that this older cousin who I admired so 0:06:12.080 --> 0:06:15.400 much like I was going to get older than her. 0:06:16.520 --> 0:06:18.880 She was always going to be the same age. 0:06:19.560 --> 0:06:23.599 Crying in the hotel bathroom, Mara turned seventeen years old. 0:06:29.040 --> 0:06:31.880 Turning seventeen in New Jersey meant who was time to 0:06:31.880 --> 0:06:35.240 get her driver's license, and Mara had already begun the process. 0:06:35.800 --> 0:06:39.159 She'd gotten her permit. She'd been practicing or driving, but 0:06:39.200 --> 0:06:42.560 with Shannon's death, maraa couldn't bring herself to actually take 0:06:42.600 --> 0:06:43.440 the final test. 0:06:44.120 --> 0:06:47.640 My parents were pushing me to schedule the test, and 0:06:47.680 --> 0:06:50.080 I was kind of like, oh, I don't know, you know, 0:06:50.200 --> 0:06:52.080 excuse excuse, I'm busy. 0:06:52.160 --> 0:06:53.800 I'm traveling for crew. 0:06:54.600 --> 0:06:59.360 This image of the accident would come to mind at 0:06:59.400 --> 0:07:02.480 even just the thought of getting behind the wheel, but. 0:07:02.440 --> 0:07:06.200 Her parents kept insisting. The way Mara explains it, their 0:07:06.200 --> 0:07:09.000 approach was throw the kid into the deep end and 0:07:09.040 --> 0:07:11.880 they'll learn how to swim. They wanted Mara to stop 0:07:11.960 --> 0:07:16.120 dwelling and push through. So one day after church, Mar's 0:07:16.160 --> 0:07:17.800 father demanded she take the wheel. 0:07:18.320 --> 0:07:21.360 My dad was basically like, you're driving home, and I 0:07:21.400 --> 0:07:24.200 was like, I don't want to, but he made me, 0:07:24.960 --> 0:07:28.440 and we were, I don't know, a mile and a 0:07:28.520 --> 0:07:33.640 half from my parents, and I can remember just being 0:07:33.920 --> 0:07:38.800 utterly terrified and feeling like my stomach was just dropping 0:07:38.800 --> 0:07:41.559 through my body, and my dad being in the front 0:07:41.600 --> 0:07:45.280 seat and like raising his voice and making gasps and 0:07:45.360 --> 0:07:49.360 like pulling in and thinking to myself, I never want 0:07:49.400 --> 0:07:53.560 to do that again. And that was literally the last 0:07:53.560 --> 0:07:57.640 time I ever was behind the wheel of a car. 0:08:03.640 --> 0:08:07.680 Eleven years later, and still Mara's parents see her inability 0:08:07.680 --> 0:08:11.520 to get her license. In practical terms, adults just need 0:08:11.560 --> 0:08:14.240 to drive. They've never been able to see it the 0:08:14.280 --> 0:08:17.440 way Mara does. So at no point were you able 0:08:17.480 --> 0:08:19.560 to say the reason why I don't want to drive 0:08:19.680 --> 0:08:22.040 is just it connects too much to Shannon Oh. 0:08:22.400 --> 0:08:24.360 I have been various rays over the years. 0:08:24.400 --> 0:08:30.000 Has just never been heard, Mara says. Any conversation with 0:08:30.080 --> 0:08:33.920 her parents about driving devolves into a fight. Her parents 0:08:33.960 --> 0:08:37.120 push her to move past her fear. Mara says she can't, 0:08:37.840 --> 0:08:41.160 but they never really talk about what's behind the fear. Instead, 0:08:41.440 --> 0:08:46.000 they talk in circles and everyone leaves resentful. This happened 0:08:46.040 --> 0:08:50.200 most recently last Thanksgiving. Because of the pandemic. Mara didn't 0:08:50.200 --> 0:08:53.120 want to take the train from DC to Jersey. Her 0:08:53.120 --> 0:08:55.400 mother didn't want to make the long drive to pick 0:08:55.400 --> 0:09:01.040 her up. Things grew heated. Mara remembers her mom eventually saying, well, 0:09:01.360 --> 0:09:03.800 you're the one who decided not to get your license. 0:09:04.640 --> 0:09:07.240 It felt like the same argument they've been having since 0:09:07.240 --> 0:09:11.240 she was seventeen, and so now you're twenty eight years 0:09:11.240 --> 0:09:12.880 old and you don't have your license. 0:09:14.280 --> 0:09:16.400 I'm twenty eight years old and I don't have my license. 0:09:19.080 --> 0:09:21.320 Say it out loud. It makes you on a car. 0:09:23.000 --> 0:09:26.040 MARAA is desperate to change the conversation with her parents, 0:09:26.520 --> 0:09:29.280 and the solution she thinks is to get her license. 0:09:30.000 --> 0:09:32.840 That way, they can stop fighting about the license and 0:09:32.920 --> 0:09:35.200 finally talk about why it's been so hard for her, 0:09:35.679 --> 0:09:39.760 about what's behind her fear. The only problem. Mara is 0:09:39.800 --> 0:09:43.720 still terrified of driving, so she's come to me for 0:09:43.760 --> 0:09:47.760 help getting on the road and eventually passing the driver's test. 0:09:48.520 --> 0:09:51.800 I believe I failed the written part a couple times, 0:09:52.160 --> 0:09:53.960 and I wasn't a good driver, and I'm still not 0:09:54.000 --> 0:09:56.760 a great driver, and I don't really like driving. Okay, 0:09:57.320 --> 0:09:59.920 when I play grand theft auto, I can barely steal 0:10:00.160 --> 0:10:03.680 a single auto. But I remind Mara that even so, 0:10:04.360 --> 0:10:07.160 they still gave me a license. I don't have any 0:10:07.160 --> 0:10:13.439 special skill, any great hand eye coordination, and yet I'm 0:10:13.480 --> 0:10:18.280 street legal. Right. I'm just basically like, yeah, any any 0:10:18.320 --> 0:10:22.120 asshole can do it, and I'm that asshole, and I'm 0:10:22.120 --> 0:10:25.520 confident that Mara can be that asshole too. So this 0:10:25.679 --> 0:10:30.079 is what I want to hear. You say, you ready, 0:10:30.440 --> 0:10:36.320 I'm ready. I'm twenty eight years old. I'm twenty eight 0:10:36.400 --> 0:10:38.920 years old and I'm going to get my driver's license. 0:10:39.800 --> 0:10:43.280 And I'm going to get my driver's license. How does 0:10:43.280 --> 0:10:44.959 that feel? It feels good. 0:10:44.960 --> 0:10:46.120 I feel like I wanna cry again. 0:10:46.440 --> 0:10:51.960 Ah after the break, I cox in Mara to the 0:10:52.000 --> 0:10:54.480 finish line. Check this out. 0:10:56.000 --> 0:10:56.640 Port side. 0:10:57.000 --> 0:11:02.880 Raise your arms, stroke stroke, I mean drive, drive tune. 0:11:02.920 --> 0:11:06.959 That radio pumps that as NKO. Get your head out 0:11:06.960 --> 0:11:15.720 of it. You need like your twin brothers. With her 0:11:15.800 --> 0:11:18.560 road test a few months away, Mara will need someone 0:11:18.600 --> 0:11:21.439 to practice her driving with. It's still the height of 0:11:21.480 --> 0:11:24.680 the pandemic, so I can't fly to DC. I'll need 0:11:24.720 --> 0:11:28.679 to offer my tutelage over video. This means recruiting a 0:11:28.720 --> 0:11:33.000 local proxy, some DC based Patsy to fill the passenger seat. 0:11:33.120 --> 0:11:37.080 While holding me aloft on their phone, Mara suggests I 0:11:37.120 --> 0:11:40.560 speak with her friend Joe. Joe describes Mara as the 0:11:40.640 --> 0:11:43.280 kind of person who's always there to help, stepping up 0:11:43.320 --> 0:11:45.760 before you even ask. So she's happy to help mar 0:11:45.880 --> 0:11:48.640 learn to drive. But there's just one problem. 0:11:49.040 --> 0:11:51.640 I hate podcasts. I don't think I could. 0:11:51.440 --> 0:11:57.760 Connect with them. Well, she's inside of one now. Although 0:11:57.800 --> 0:12:01.600 she's known Mara for years, says MARAA only recently told 0:12:01.600 --> 0:12:04.760 her she doesn't know how to drive. Mara's shame about 0:12:04.760 --> 0:12:08.120 not having a license is something she's kept hidden, even 0:12:08.160 --> 0:12:09.360 from her closest friends. 0:12:10.080 --> 0:12:13.440 I was very surprised by it. Burney and a friends 0:12:13.480 --> 0:12:16.719 have gone on tons of trips together, and it had 0:12:16.800 --> 0:12:19.760 never crossed my mind that she couldn't drive the car 0:12:19.840 --> 0:12:20.440 at any point. 0:12:20.840 --> 0:12:23.000 Is it sort of like when you find out that 0:12:23.040 --> 0:12:26.360 a friend is Canadian, like you just thought you just 0:12:26.400 --> 0:12:35.320 thought she was people? What about this lot lesson? One 0:12:35.920 --> 0:12:40.560 the basics? Is it open for her first driving lesson? 0:12:40.840 --> 0:12:44.000 Joe brings Mara to an empty stadium parking lot. My 0:12:44.120 --> 0:12:47.360 virtual self or best self rides along in a phone 0:12:47.360 --> 0:12:50.640 holder fastened above the glove compartment, not unlike one of 0:12:50.640 --> 0:12:54.400 those dashboard hula dancers. Get yourself comfortable so that you 0:12:54.400 --> 0:12:58.760 could reach the gas as well as the break I've 0:12:58.760 --> 0:13:02.240 always feared I lacked any but taking on the aspect 0:13:02.360 --> 0:13:06.160 of a talking car air freshener is a new low. Okay, 0:13:06.240 --> 0:13:13.760 there you go. Mar's hands are visibly shaking. This is 0:13:13.760 --> 0:13:16.120 her very first time behind the wheel of a car 0:13:16.280 --> 0:13:19.120 since her father had her drive home from church eleven 0:13:19.200 --> 0:13:23.640 years ago foot reaches the various petals down there. 0:13:24.880 --> 0:13:28.280 Release, this is the brig and the gas. 0:13:28.320 --> 0:13:29.400 Did you have them confused? 0:13:29.480 --> 0:13:29.680 Yes? 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:34.800 With the pedals all sorted, Mara takes hold of Joe's 0:13:34.840 --> 0:13:36.040 hand and let's take it. 0:13:36.080 --> 0:13:45.439 Eat breath. Okay, let's jack Oh shit, I'm underverse. 0:13:48.640 --> 0:13:51.760 Mars starts slow, taking a lap around the empty parking lot. 0:13:52.440 --> 0:13:56.440 At first, she coasts too scared to even accelerate, but 0:13:56.520 --> 0:13:57.440 then she's. 0:13:57.240 --> 0:13:59.000 Using the gas. I use. 0:14:00.520 --> 0:14:07.199 Okay, But in spite of her anxiety, Mara takes the 0:14:07.280 --> 0:14:08.160 driving quickly. 0:14:08.679 --> 0:14:12.520 At that when I hit that fifteen miles per hour, 0:14:12.559 --> 0:14:14.160 I was like, I'm capable of anything. 0:14:14.840 --> 0:14:16.960 When she has a feel for the car, she even 0:14:17.000 --> 0:14:20.160 decides to tackle parallel parking with some abandoned cones. 0:14:20.480 --> 0:14:22.680 And between that cone is gonna be where you have 0:14:22.720 --> 0:14:23.560 to parallel park. 0:14:23.720 --> 0:14:27.800 Okay, you can call it Jackie Cone JACKI co But 0:14:27.920 --> 0:14:31.040 unlike Jackie Cohen, this cone doesn't laugh at you or 0:14:31.080 --> 0:14:33.800 bang down the phone when you call it stands tall 0:14:33.920 --> 0:14:37.920 and tribute to safety. And also unlike Jackie Cohen, hits 0:14:37.960 --> 0:14:41.520 orange with a white stripe, though Jackie does have that 0:14:41.600 --> 0:14:44.560 orange sweater vest she wears with a white turtleneck makes 0:14:44.560 --> 0:14:48.000 her look like a creamsicle. But although Jackie Cone is icy, 0:14:48.360 --> 0:14:50.520 she's no treat what she doesn't. 0:14:55.560 --> 0:14:57.800 I'm gonna turn off the car and put my emergency 0:14:57.800 --> 0:14:59.680 brake on with. 0:14:59.640 --> 0:15:02.600 The less an over we said in the parking lot, Joe, 0:15:02.680 --> 0:15:04.600 how do you feel? How do you feel? Mar's done? 0:15:05.120 --> 0:15:06.800 Master level one? 0:15:07.920 --> 0:15:09.680 That's amazing. You've done it all at this. 0:15:09.720 --> 0:15:12.960 Point, except actually like driven on a road. 0:15:15.920 --> 0:15:19.960 Yeah, lesson two the road. 0:15:20.840 --> 0:15:24.520 These quiet neighborhoods are a welcome respite from the normal 0:15:25.000 --> 0:15:25.800 DC bustle. 0:15:27.640 --> 0:15:30.320 This is Mara's cousin, Mike, who's taking her driving on 0:15:30.360 --> 0:15:34.200 an actual street. Mike and Mara grew up together. When 0:15:34.240 --> 0:15:37.400 Mike was overseas and homesick, Mara was the only family 0:15:37.440 --> 0:15:40.040 member who came to visit him. But in spite of 0:15:40.080 --> 0:15:43.320 their closeness, it turns out that, like Joe, Mike never 0:15:43.360 --> 0:15:46.520 knew about Mara's lack of a license. Now that he does, 0:15:46.600 --> 0:15:48.320 though he's offering his full support. 0:15:49.160 --> 0:15:49.800 That's perfect. 0:15:50.880 --> 0:15:53.480 Mike is a staff sergeant in the Army and has 0:15:53.520 --> 0:15:55.840 the kind of can do attitude that must come in 0:15:55.920 --> 0:15:58.680 handy when motivating a cadet off a plane with the 0:15:58.760 --> 0:16:00.040 gentle poke of a bay. 0:16:00.120 --> 0:16:04.800 That driving is possible. Driving is for everyone, So. 0:16:05.200 --> 0:16:07.760 Mara is at ease driving through the streets of DC. 0:16:08.360 --> 0:16:10.000 His mic offers helpful tips. 0:16:10.520 --> 0:16:13.880 Turn signals are a crutch, you don't need them. 0:16:16.000 --> 0:16:18.360 Blinkers are not for you, though they're for other people. 0:16:19.400 --> 0:16:26.600 First of all, it's nobody's business where I'm going. Instead, 0:16:34.880 --> 0:16:36.600 you had to operate in a parking garage. 0:16:36.640 --> 0:16:40.120 Yet, Mara and Mike make a bathroom stop at a 0:16:40.160 --> 0:16:43.760 grocery store, which affords Mara a chance to practice parking 0:16:43.800 --> 0:16:47.000 in a parking garage and Mike a chance to practice 0:16:47.000 --> 0:16:49.120 sharing his heart. 0:16:49.400 --> 0:16:51.800 I think parking was one of the hardest things for me. 0:16:52.120 --> 0:16:57.000 Probably it's hard for me to admit. But after all, 0:16:57.360 --> 0:17:00.960 masculinity is just a cage, not break out of it. 0:17:01.640 --> 0:17:11.520 Wow, what is that noise? Mike's keen military ear senses 0:17:11.640 --> 0:17:15.280 danger in the underground parking garage. That was terrifying. 0:17:22.640 --> 0:17:23.360 It's terrifying. 0:17:23.400 --> 0:17:24.040 Are you getting that? 0:17:24.160 --> 0:17:24.880 It's terrifying? 0:17:25.080 --> 0:17:26.560 No, Maybe she's get out of here. 0:17:28.880 --> 0:17:30.000 In the corner run. 0:17:34.000 --> 0:17:37.479 Creeping around parking garages, laughing with a partner in crime. 0:17:38.119 --> 0:17:41.520 After years of fear and avoidance, Mara is finally catching 0:17:41.560 --> 0:17:44.000 up on what she missed as a teenager, first learning 0:17:44.040 --> 0:17:47.840 to drive from where I said in a cup holder, 0:17:48.440 --> 0:17:59.280 It's nice to hear her having fun. Mara's handling everything 0:17:59.359 --> 0:18:01.960 so well that I'm tempted to suggest we skip the 0:18:01.960 --> 0:18:04.160 rest of our lessons and just go to the movies. 0:18:04.760 --> 0:18:07.720 Theaters have cup holders two, after all, and I hear 0:18:07.760 --> 0:18:11.480 Boss Baby Too is getting good reviews. But there's still 0:18:11.520 --> 0:18:15.520 one lesson Mara needs, which brings us to lesson three, 0:18:16.280 --> 0:18:20.359 The Highway. Mar's road test is only a few weeks away, 0:18:20.680 --> 0:18:23.520 and she still hasn't driven on the highway, so while 0:18:23.600 --> 0:18:27.080 visiting Austin, Texas, Mara calls upon her friend Nora to 0:18:27.119 --> 0:18:31.119 take her driving on a real Texas interstate. Mara's always 0:18:31.119 --> 0:18:34.480 been there for Nora. When Nora's grandmother died, Maras stayed 0:18:34.520 --> 0:18:36.560 up all night with her so she wouldn't be alone. 0:18:37.119 --> 0:18:38.160 Nora's glad to help. 0:18:39.240 --> 0:18:45.000 My hands are sweating mine or two, my hands are 0:18:45.040 --> 0:18:49.119 also sweating, I'll say, just like watching Nora is holding 0:18:49.119 --> 0:18:50.959 the phone up so I can see the highway from 0:18:51.000 --> 0:18:55.800 Mara's perspective, Semi's whiz by making Nora's Mini Cooper seem 0:18:55.800 --> 0:18:56.560 even tinier. 0:18:57.359 --> 0:19:00.399 We're on I thirty five, Austin's only major free way. 0:19:00.800 --> 0:19:07.479 It's chaotic, all right, and you've got the green arrows. 0:19:07.520 --> 0:19:16.840 So ship man, y'all, there's people coming up behind you, 0:19:16.880 --> 0:19:18.879 but you'll get in the cars last to get on, 0:19:19.359 --> 0:19:21.800 so you have to like get over fairly quickly here 0:19:22.000 --> 0:19:23.240 to get onto the highways. 0:19:23.359 --> 0:19:26.800 So all right, we're getting on. 0:19:27.560 --> 0:19:31.680 Mara emerges onto the highway, tentatively a little too slow 0:19:31.720 --> 0:19:32.760 for the flow of traffic. 0:19:32.920 --> 0:19:33.639 Ship Man, I. 0:19:33.600 --> 0:19:34.639 Don't know if I'm ready for this. 0:19:34.800 --> 0:19:36.679 You stand the then stay in the far this right 0:19:36.760 --> 0:19:37.119 lane if we. 0:19:37.119 --> 0:19:40.040 Can get right off this an accent immediately after, I 0:19:40.040 --> 0:19:41.400 have to look, what do I do? 0:19:41.480 --> 0:19:44.280 No? Just stay in the right lane. Oh do you 0:19:44.320 --> 0:19:47.000 want to stay in this? Yes? That's let's I said, okay, 0:19:47.119 --> 0:19:49.600 cant's just say where you are and we're just gonna 0:19:49.640 --> 0:19:51.240 get off at the second. 0:19:51.240 --> 0:19:54.880 Okay, right, okay, all right? 0:19:54.560 --> 0:19:58.080 At okay? 0:19:58.440 --> 0:19:58.640 Right? 0:20:00.400 --> 0:20:02.560 Can you get to the right lane? I don't know. 0:20:05.119 --> 0:20:06.320 If you get into the right. 0:20:08.200 --> 0:20:09.000 Can't go one more? 0:20:09.760 --> 0:20:11.320 There's no one behind you. 0:20:11.960 --> 0:20:13.080 We can go all the way over. 0:20:14.400 --> 0:20:17.280 Once off the highway, Mara finds a parking lot and 0:20:17.320 --> 0:20:21.040 comes to a stop, all told her first ever highway 0:20:21.119 --> 0:20:23.080 drive was less than two minutes long. 0:20:30.560 --> 0:20:31.440 Can you hold my hands? 0:20:32.600 --> 0:20:36.320 Yeah, I'm gonna put you down, John, Yeah. 0:20:36.119 --> 0:20:43.560 Yes, take a break. 0:20:48.200 --> 0:20:51.639 I don't know why I'm crying. I mean, I know 0:20:51.680 --> 0:20:54.160 why I'm crying. No, even regardless of the other stuff. 0:20:54.160 --> 0:20:56.640 That was my first time getting in the highway since 0:20:56.680 --> 0:21:01.359 she died, you know, and like it's like knowing, like 0:21:01.400 --> 0:21:03.480 feeling the like at the speed and which like in 0:21:03.520 --> 0:21:07.880 a moment, like something could happened. Just I felt out 0:21:07.920 --> 0:21:09.960 of control, even though I know I was in control. 0:21:19.560 --> 0:21:39.680 I'm glad it was with you. Okay, I want to 0:21:39.720 --> 0:21:40.240 try it again. 0:21:40.520 --> 0:21:43.000 Okay, yeah, there a. 0:21:43.040 --> 0:21:44.520 Goat, that's just stuff. 0:21:45.119 --> 0:21:48.280 In spite of her anxiety, Mara gets back on the highway. 0:21:48.760 --> 0:21:51.440 Okay, go straight and go kind of left, and we'll 0:21:51.440 --> 0:21:53.239 stay in this lane the whole time until we get out. 0:21:53.280 --> 0:21:58.000 Okay, Okay, now go go this time. 0:21:58.320 --> 0:22:01.000 Mara stays on the highway for a few exits before 0:22:01.040 --> 0:22:03.800 getting off. When I asked her why she felt so 0:22:03.880 --> 0:22:06.640 strongly about getting back on, she says she didn't want 0:22:06.640 --> 0:22:09.240 to let the fear build into something bigger the way 0:22:09.280 --> 0:22:26.480 it has for years. Marra wants to get the job done. Mara, yes, 0:22:27.160 --> 0:22:27.840 how you feeling. 0:22:28.119 --> 0:22:30.000 I'm feeling pretty anxious right now. 0:22:30.440 --> 0:22:33.320 It's finally the day of Mara's road test. She's brought 0:22:33.359 --> 0:22:36.120 along a support group to help distract from her stress, 0:22:36.600 --> 0:22:40.600 her friend Jenna, her cousin Dominica, and of course cousin Mike. 0:22:41.240 --> 0:22:46.240 I'm extremely hung over. Hearing this, Maras springs into action, 0:22:47.040 --> 0:22:50.520 not unlike a thoughtful, nurturing version of the kool Aid 0:22:50.600 --> 0:22:52.360 Man sparkling water. 0:22:52.760 --> 0:22:56.919 Yes, I love you someone, Yes, different flavors like. 0:23:03.960 --> 0:23:09.240 Do you want to back it in? Or I'm gonna go. 0:23:10.080 --> 0:23:12.919 It's fifteen twenty os, so I'm gonna go check in. 0:23:13.000 --> 0:23:13.480 Okay, great? 0:23:13.600 --> 0:23:14.080 Are you here? 0:23:14.400 --> 0:23:14.600 Yeah? 0:23:14.680 --> 0:23:14.960 Here. 0:23:17.480 --> 0:23:20.120 While her friends wait in the car, Maraa heads off 0:23:20.119 --> 0:23:22.800 to the test, where she will adjust mirrors and check 0:23:22.800 --> 0:23:26.480 blind spots. She will signal right, and she will signal left, 0:23:26.960 --> 0:23:30.760 making it everybody's business where she's going. When she approaches 0:23:30.760 --> 0:23:33.480 stop signs, she will slow down one hundred and fifty 0:23:33.520 --> 0:23:36.640 feet before the corner. She'll even deal with a lane 0:23:36.640 --> 0:23:39.480 hopping drunkard on an e bike that feels like an 0:23:39.520 --> 0:23:43.640 obstacle out of a video game, and fifty three minutes later, 0:23:44.400 --> 0:23:49.000 she will emerge, oh my. 0:23:49.000 --> 0:23:53.800 God, look your own Thank you, my gentlemen. Still going 0:23:53.840 --> 0:23:55.240 I still cotton now? Oh god. 0:23:55.800 --> 0:23:59.800 Maara is twenty eight years old and finally she has 0:24:00.119 --> 0:24:08.359 driver's license, like hot mouth. That's for years, Mara felt 0:24:08.400 --> 0:24:10.919 so much shame about not driving that she hid it 0:24:10.920 --> 0:24:14.000 from the people she loved. But now they're all here 0:24:14.040 --> 0:24:17.200 celebrating with her. She says she'd never have been able 0:24:17.240 --> 0:24:20.119 to do any of this without having asked for their help. 0:24:20.840 --> 0:24:23.200 Let me see, Wow, you were so beautiful? 0:24:24.040 --> 0:24:35.080 What like no one ever gets. 0:24:37.600 --> 0:24:40.440 In the weeks after getting her license, Mara tells everyone. 0:24:40.960 --> 0:24:44.199 She calls her sister, she texts her friends, but there 0:24:44.240 --> 0:24:46.520 are still two people. She can't bring herself to tell 0:24:47.160 --> 0:24:50.560 her parents. The driver's license was meant to clear the 0:24:50.600 --> 0:24:53.960 way for a conversation about Shannon's death. But as hard 0:24:53.960 --> 0:24:56.720 as getting her license was, the idea of talking with 0:24:56.760 --> 0:25:00.119 her parents seems even harder. She's worried that she'll try 0:25:00.160 --> 0:25:02.600 to bring up her big feelings and her parents will 0:25:02.600 --> 0:25:05.720 make their here we go again faces and there let's 0:25:05.720 --> 0:25:09.040 put all of this behind us sounds. Then her dad 0:25:09.080 --> 0:25:12.639 will grow quiet and her mom will start to cry. 0:25:12.800 --> 0:25:17.080 Everyone will get upset, and once again Marrow will feel unheard. 0:25:18.000 --> 0:25:23.240 And so she procrastinates for three months, but then one evening, 0:25:23.320 --> 0:25:27.200 around midnight, she sends her parents, Andy and Sue an email. 0:25:28.160 --> 0:25:31.040 In it, she says she finally got her license and 0:25:31.119 --> 0:25:32.480 wants to tell them all about it. 0:25:33.400 --> 0:25:35.919 So we need to hear more detail. How did this 0:25:35.960 --> 0:25:36.600 all come about? 0:25:37.800 --> 0:25:39.159 I don't know where do you want me to start? 0:25:41.240 --> 0:25:43.840 Well, firstly, initially, I mean, how did you feel when 0:25:43.920 --> 0:25:45.439 you when you received Mara's email? 0:25:46.520 --> 0:25:50.920 I was crying, really very excited for you fan you 0:25:50.960 --> 0:25:51.560 were admitting it. 0:25:52.040 --> 0:25:54.280 I'm just so happy for her. 0:25:55.160 --> 0:25:59.159 It was a huge obstacle for her, just emotionally. 0:25:59.600 --> 0:26:03.520 It's a not to be too dramatic, but a demon 0:26:03.560 --> 0:26:04.080 if you will. 0:26:04.840 --> 0:26:07.520 Sue nods, Yeah, I'm sure she probably told you. 0:26:07.560 --> 0:26:12.159 The story of week of her test driving test was 0:26:12.200 --> 0:26:13.400 her cousin's. 0:26:12.960 --> 0:26:15.119 Funeral, who died in a car crash. 0:26:15.280 --> 0:26:15.440 Right. 0:26:16.760 --> 0:26:19.120 Mara had told me that raising the topic of Shannon 0:26:19.160 --> 0:26:22.320 would be a struggle. I wasn't expecting Sue and Andy 0:26:22.400 --> 0:26:24.760 to be the ones to bring it up first, and 0:26:24.840 --> 0:26:28.359 neither was Mara. At the mention of Shannon, she freezes 0:26:28.440 --> 0:26:28.719 us up. 0:26:31.920 --> 0:26:37.920 I am like, very surprised that you have always made 0:26:37.920 --> 0:26:44.120 that association because of the way that me not driving 0:26:44.200 --> 0:26:47.480 has been frequently brought up in our family. It's been 0:26:48.600 --> 0:26:53.439 talked about as this very intentional choice and feeling like, 0:26:53.480 --> 0:26:55.600 in some ways, like not entitled to grieve. 0:26:57.800 --> 0:27:00.960 We even talked about Shannon in years truly. 0:27:04.160 --> 0:27:06.960 I'm sorry that you felt like we were avoiding the conversation. 0:27:07.880 --> 0:27:13.080 Yeah. I think during the experience the following years, my 0:27:13.240 --> 0:27:17.399 recollection is was that that it's something that we we 0:27:17.600 --> 0:27:25.360 tried to acknowledge verbally, but without you know, creating a 0:27:25.520 --> 0:27:26.480 crutch if you will. 0:27:28.359 --> 0:27:31.480 Andy and Sue feared too much sympathy might provide Mara 0:27:31.640 --> 0:27:35.040 with an excuse to give up on driving altogether. But 0:27:35.160 --> 0:27:37.959 Mara didn't want a license to drive so much as 0:27:38.000 --> 0:27:40.520 she wanted license to feel whatever she was feeling. 0:27:41.600 --> 0:27:45.159 This wasn't just a mental block, This wasn't something I 0:27:45.200 --> 0:27:47.560 was overthinking, But this was trauma. 0:27:47.840 --> 0:27:50.280 Yeah. We knew it. Yeah, that's what I was saying. 0:27:50.640 --> 0:27:52.880 Something we do that we didn't maybe do a great 0:27:52.920 --> 0:27:54.960 job of communicating it, but we knew it. We knew 0:27:54.960 --> 0:27:56.880 it all along. We knew it right from that day. 0:27:58.400 --> 0:28:08.479 You know, we heard and this is the roughest thing 0:28:08.520 --> 0:28:11.880 about being a parent. There's no playbook I mean, we're 0:28:11.880 --> 0:28:13.600 at a complete loss. 0:28:14.880 --> 0:28:17.800 No parent wants to watch their kids suffer in the 0:28:17.840 --> 0:28:21.280 aftermath of Shannon's death. They'd wanted to say something important 0:28:21.320 --> 0:28:24.479 and wise, something that might put an end to mars grief, 0:28:25.200 --> 0:28:28.000 But what can one really say? So in the face 0:28:28.040 --> 0:28:31.400 of an unsolvable problem, they focused on a solvable one, 0:28:32.000 --> 0:28:35.480 the driver's license, and talking about the license might have 0:28:35.520 --> 0:28:38.240 also been a distraction for Andy and Seue from their 0:28:38.240 --> 0:28:43.200 own grief. They'd love Shannon. Two, how do you guys 0:28:43.320 --> 0:28:45.880 remember that time? 0:28:45.960 --> 0:28:51.320 If I can ask, I remember it in great detail. 0:28:51.880 --> 0:28:55.200 We were having about eighty people coming to our house 0:28:55.840 --> 0:28:58.880 for my son's high school graduation party, and Maria was 0:28:58.920 --> 0:29:01.200 busy sweeping through the lawn ready. 0:29:01.240 --> 0:29:03.840 Even though Mara and her parents have never discussed that day, 0:29:04.240 --> 0:29:07.760 Sue raises all the same things Mara did. She remembers 0:29:07.760 --> 0:29:11.440 Mars sweeping the phone call, walking into the laundry room 0:29:11.520 --> 0:29:15.480 to tell Mara what had happened. For Mara, hearing Sue 0:29:15.480 --> 0:29:18.480 described that day the same way she always has makes 0:29:18.520 --> 0:29:22.760 Mara feel seen. Sue also brings up things Marara wasn't 0:29:22.800 --> 0:29:25.760 there for, like the day after the funeral, when she 0:29:25.880 --> 0:29:28.440 drove Shannon's mom and brother to the tow yard to 0:29:28.480 --> 0:29:32.400 collect Shannon's personal effects from the crushed car. Sue remembers 0:29:32.400 --> 0:29:35.160 Shannon's purse on the floor of the back seat, her 0:29:35.160 --> 0:29:38.960 phone and flip flops lying amid the shards of broken windshield, 0:29:39.480 --> 0:29:42.400 like Marra's night crying in the hotel room. That was 0:29:42.440 --> 0:29:44.760 when for Sue it all sank in. 0:29:45.320 --> 0:29:49.560 Understanding what grief I was battling, and we were all battling. 0:29:50.080 --> 0:29:52.040 Yeah, I mean by the time, you know, by the 0:29:52.040 --> 0:29:55.320 time we even digested it, that year went by, you know, 0:29:55.600 --> 0:29:59.120 still stuck in our throats, and everybody dealt with it 0:30:00.080 --> 0:30:03.360 own way, just to try to protect themselves, try to 0:30:03.360 --> 0:30:04.200 protect their own heart. 0:30:05.200 --> 0:30:08.320 And then I left for college, and like, I haven't 0:30:08.360 --> 0:30:10.560 lived at home really since. 0:30:12.200 --> 0:30:14.800 You know, It's funny more, I never really put it 0:30:14.840 --> 0:30:18.720 together till you're just talking now that you're the only 0:30:18.760 --> 0:30:21.920 one of the siblings that was here full time in 0:30:21.960 --> 0:30:23.600 the aftermath of her death. 0:30:24.200 --> 0:30:28.200 Yeah, Mara was the youngest of three siblings. It was 0:30:28.280 --> 0:30:30.760 just her and her parents alone in the house, the 0:30:30.800 --> 0:30:33.080 air thick with the weight of all that was unspoken. 0:30:33.720 --> 0:30:35.800 I meanwhile, you were trying to figure out where you're 0:30:35.800 --> 0:30:38.400 going to go to college. I mean all your senior 0:30:38.520 --> 0:30:40.040 EVENTU rough. 0:30:40.920 --> 0:30:41.800 That was a rough year. 0:30:50.120 --> 0:30:53.800 It's a small conversation as far as conversations go, but 0:30:53.880 --> 0:30:57.640 after not talking about it for over a decade, it's something. 0:30:58.120 --> 0:31:01.760 Maura, think about this. Ten years ago, we would not 0:31:01.760 --> 0:31:04.080 be having the conversation like we're even having right now. 0:31:04.480 --> 0:31:08.160 Yeah, and I just really appreciate you both having this conversation. 0:31:08.880 --> 0:31:11.120 There's so much room for improvement, and I think that's 0:31:11.160 --> 0:31:13.640 the and we're open to that. Yeah, and we're open 0:31:13.680 --> 0:31:18.680 to that. The book isn't written just a series of chapters. 0:31:19.520 --> 0:31:20.240 It's the beginning. 0:31:21.040 --> 0:31:23.800 Absolutely, we're proud of you more. 0:31:26.200 --> 0:31:31.120 Do you want to show them your driver's license? Mar 0:31:31.240 --> 0:31:33.520 holds up her license for her parents to see. 0:31:34.320 --> 0:31:38.480 Ooh, pretty picture, thank you, very nice, and that's me 0:31:38.480 --> 0:31:39.400 in hologram form. 0:31:39.480 --> 0:31:43.680 Ooh, what's a little ghosts like? Ooh, it's a show. 0:31:46.520 --> 0:31:48.880 The license no longer needs to be weighted down with 0:31:48.960 --> 0:31:52.080 implication and meaning. It can finally be a piece of 0:31:52.120 --> 0:31:55.120 plastic with a nice picture on it that gets you 0:31:55.160 --> 0:32:13.840 from point A to point B. One fall Saturday, Mara 0:32:13.920 --> 0:32:17.720 borrows a friend's car a miles She needs it to 0:32:17.800 --> 0:32:22.760 run some errands. No, absolutely, not. It's the kind of 0:32:22.800 --> 0:32:26.680 afternoon people have all the time. Really, what's Chicago like? 0:32:27.480 --> 0:32:30.720 But for Mara, it's an afternoon of first first time 0:32:30.800 --> 0:32:35.080 driving around DC alone, first time hitting a pothole, shit, 0:32:36.200 --> 0:32:40.240 first time driving through a drive through. Mara m a 0:32:40.400 --> 0:32:42.840 U R A where she orders a chicken sandwich and 0:32:42.840 --> 0:32:43.920 a strawberry milkshake. 0:32:44.440 --> 0:32:44.560 You. 0:32:47.160 --> 0:32:49.880 She fits her milkshake into the cup holder and heads 0:32:49.880 --> 0:32:56.800 to her next stop, The Sun's Bold. Mara started this 0:32:56.880 --> 0:32:59.640 trek because of her family, and she finished it because 0:32:59.680 --> 0:33:04.120 of her friends. But today she's enjoying the drive all 0:33:04.200 --> 0:33:06.760 by yourself. Does think. 0:33:53.360 --> 0:34:02.880 Now that the fernitures returning to its goodwill home, Now 0:34:02.960 --> 0:34:07.880 that the last Monsrand is scheming with the damage, the 0:34:08.120 --> 0:34:11.000 Bob take this moment to des. 0:34:13.520 --> 0:34:14.680 If we imagine I. 0:34:14.800 --> 0:34:18.160 Flee to series. 0:34:18.080 --> 0:34:19.920 Felt around Far. 0:34:22.440 --> 0:34:24.719 From Things, Accident. 0:34:26.560 --> 0:34:26.799 Zero. 0:34:29.560 --> 0:34:32.880 This episode of Heavyweight was produced by Khalila Holtz, Mohemy mcgauker, 0:34:33.080 --> 0:34:36.840 Stevie Lane, and me Jonathan Goldstein. Special thanks to Emily Condon, 0:34:36.920 --> 0:34:41.280 Aggie Goldstein, Alex Bloomberg, Bethel hoptay Anna Foley, Lynn Levy, 0:34:41.360 --> 0:34:45.319 Paul Bowman, Zach Schmidt, and Jackie Cohen. Bobby Lord mixed 0:34:45.360 --> 0:34:48.720 the episode with original music by Christine Fellows, John K. Sampson, 0:34:48.800 --> 0:34:52.319 Sean Jacoby, and Bobby Lord. Additional music credits can be 0:34:52.320 --> 0:34:56.359 found on our website Gimletmedia dot com slash Heavyweight. Our 0:34:56.400 --> 0:34:59.480 theme song is by the Weaker Than's courtesy of Epitaph Records. 0:34:59.600 --> 0:35:02.359 Follow up us on Twitter at Heavyweight. This is our 0:35:02.400 --> 0:35:05.040 last episode of the season, but we're already looking for 0:35:05.080 --> 0:35:07.240 stories for next year. So if you have a moment 0:35:07.280 --> 0:35:09.439 from your own past that you need some help with, 0:35:09.880 --> 0:35:13.880 email us at Heavyweight at gimbletmedia dot com. Happy holidays 0:35:13.880 --> 0:35:16.880 to wall and we'll see you next fall. See I 0:35:16.920 --> 0:35:17.799 made a little rhyme there.