Empowering Harmonious Relationships: Brenda Warren's Journey from Military Leadership to Mindset Transformation and Intimacy Mastery

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to your Thoughts, your Reality with Michael Cole, the podcast that shines a compassionate light on the journey of veterans battling through life's challenges.

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<v Speaker 1>Michael is a dual elite certified neuro encoding specialist in coaching and keynote training presentations dedicated to guiding military veterans as they navigate the intricate pathways of post-deployment life.

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<v Speaker 1>Join him as we delve into the profound realm of neuroencoding science, empowering these brave individuals to conquer universal battles procrastination, self-doubt, fear and more.

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<v Speaker 1>Together, let's uncover the strength within you to re-engage with families and society, forging a new path forward.

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<v Speaker 2>Hello, hello, hello everybody.

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<v Speaker 2>So today we had an amazing pivot with the amazing Brenda the solutionist, warren.

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<v Speaker 2>I had scheduled for a different time and Brenda was amazing and said let's do it.

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<v Speaker 2>So here we are at 9 am.

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<v Speaker 2>So Brenda is a retired Marine Corps gunnery sergeant with over 30 years of experience in leadership and relationship building, free time best-selling author and creator of the Tap In Method.

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<v Speaker 2>If you've not heard about that, I'm sure we'll touch base on it today, but check out previous episodes.

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<v Speaker 2>It's an amazing method.

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<v Speaker 2>She's a specialist in business building, focusing on mindset transformation and growth, and, of course, she's very passionate about fostering relationships and all that fun stuff.

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<v Speaker 2>So welcome and thank you for your grace.

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<v Speaker 2>Amazing lady, I appreciate you.

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<v Speaker 2>Tell people a little bit more about yourself who haven't seen you on here yet please.

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<v Speaker 3>You said a lot already, so I think the main thing is to know is that I am a solutionist.

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<v Speaker 3>I see things other people often miss and I really take a holistic approach mind, body and soul and I'm passionate about helping veterans and entrepreneurs in general build businesses that thrive, that they love or they learn how to do it their way.

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<v Speaker 3>But I'm just as passionate about helping people build strong, loving, healthy relationships, because I truly believe that no one should lose their relationship for their business.

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<v Speaker 3>I help people create harmony between their business and their personal life that align with their core values and how they want to show up in the world.

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<v Speaker 2>Amen, I love it, absolutely love it.

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<v Speaker 2>So let's start with I know you've helped countless individuals navigate challenges in their relationships, so you bring that up.

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<v Speaker 2>So this is going to be our main topic, about intimacy and sex and they're not necessarily the same thing et cetera.

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<v Speaker 2>So why don't we start with what is an overlooked aspect of intimacy in today's fast-paced world?

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<v Speaker 3>You know, michael, the truth is many of us forget to be present and people often don't realize that They'll say well, michael, the truth is, many of us forget to be present and people often don't realize that they'll say well, brenda, you're a business coach.

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<v Speaker 3>How did you get into a relationship?

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<v Speaker 3>Because if your business, if your personal relationship is jacked up, your business is going to suffer.

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<v Speaker 3>Harmony that allows us to have a synergy that will not have us.

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<v Speaker 3>What do you call it?

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<v Speaker 2>taking from one to support the other or vice versa.

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<v Speaker 2>Got it, got it.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 2>So with that in business, so kind of go through that correlation and how you connect them even more so, if you will, Well, this is and this all comes from my own learning.

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<v Speaker 3>I've been in ministry for over 30 years and I've talked to so many people people that have committed infidelities, people that are just fed up with their marriages and what I started noticing was that a lot of them did not realize that they were creating their problems because of the way they were not handling their professional and business life as a unit.

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<v Speaker 2>Got it.

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<v Speaker 2>So explain some best tips then, if you will.

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<v Speaker 2>I mean, as far as that aspect goes how are they, how would you say they are?

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<v Speaker 3>Well, you know, when I first started teaching people to run their love lives like a business, they thought I was crazy.

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<v Speaker 3>I had to create a report card.

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<v Speaker 3>I asked them if you were to brand your family life.

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<v Speaker 3>Do you have the no trust and like going on there as well?

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<v Speaker 3>Does your family trust your word that when you say you're going to come back at a certain time, you're going to be there?

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<v Speaker 3>Are you providing service excellence for your family the way you do for your customers?

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<v Speaker 3>To me the parallels is so profound because our kids, our significant others, they see us a certain way and, believe it or not, we tell them every day who we are.

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<v Speaker 3>And if you think about it from a business standpoint, how can your family begin to know, like and trust you if every time they turn around, you tell them, well, face will to lies, you're not providing the care and nurture that you say you provide Like, for example, if you tell your kid I'm going to show up for a play and then, oh, daddy, was too busy because this business over here came in the way First time, they'll go okay, that's a problem.

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<v Speaker 3>Now, if you did that in your business, someone would say you missed a mark.

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<v Speaker 3>They said that's a problem.

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<v Speaker 3>Then we got to do it into what Service recovery?

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<v Speaker 3>Same thing with your family relationship recovery.

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<v Speaker 3>So the next play you show up, kid's happy, you're happy, you're back on track.

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<v Speaker 3>But what if you have a pattern of not showing up to those plays?

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<v Speaker 2>Absolutely.

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<v Speaker 3>The message you're giving to your child is that their business is more important to them and, michael, can I tell you, I wish I understood that when my child was growing up, because I did not, I'm sad to say, make my child a priority.

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<v Speaker 3>I made my business a priority and our relationship suffered for it.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and you know what, you're not alone.

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<v Speaker 2>So I mean let's just, let's just all take ownership right.

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<v Speaker 2>Everybody that owns a business and works the hours that they do, whether it's one, two, three, six businesses or corporate world or whatever it is.

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<v Speaker 2>I think we get in our minds that you know we need to provide, provide, provide, and I think you know that that's kind of the I don't want to say the norm, because it shouldn't be and I don't, I hope it's not, but it feels like it is.

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<v Speaker 3>It is the norm.

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<v Speaker 3>But here's the thing I advocate for changing the culture.

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<v Speaker 3>I ask my business owners that I work with to go 10 toes down that their family is a priority.

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<v Speaker 3>They need to put that in their mission, vision and goals.

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<v Speaker 3>For example, you can't go to the bank and get money out at 501 if the bank pulls a five and they don't apologize for that.

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<v Speaker 3>Now they do have ATMs, but you're not talking to a telly, you're not talking to a bank manager, and if you want to, you got to wait till the bank opens again at nine.

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<v Speaker 3>So why do us, as entrepreneurs, think we don't have the right to set business odds for our own?

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<v Speaker 3>And here's the thing I have not had any of my business owners that's actually put into practice that put their kids on their schedule, meaning if there's a play, you put it on your schedule.

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<v Speaker 3>You know in advance.

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<v Speaker 3>And then you show up and guess what?

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<v Speaker 3>Most of them that started doing that and they would tell a person they were supporting that they've done that.

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<v Speaker 3>They're like you did what?

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<v Speaker 3>More and more people are starting to do that because we've given them permission to say my family is a priority.

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<v Speaker 3>It only takes one person to start a trend.

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<v Speaker 2>Absolutely.

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<v Speaker 2>You just did it.

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<v Speaker 2>So I mean, how many times do we give our business the best and our families get the rest?

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<v Speaker 2>You know it's, it's again, it's a, it's a sad fact in our society.

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<v Speaker 2>You know so.

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<v Speaker 2>So let's change it today in our society.

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<v Speaker 2>You know so.

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<v Speaker 2>So let's change it today, absolutely.

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<v Speaker 3>Schedule a date night.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh, I absolutely love talking to people about date nights.

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<v Speaker 3>Because why?

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<v Speaker 3>Because here's the thing when you get in a relationship with someone, what happens?

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<v Speaker 3>When you first meet them?

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<v Speaker 3>You're taking them out, you're doing stuff, you're in your best favor, you dress up.

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<v Speaker 3>Then you get in a relationship maybe it's long-term or you've even gotten married and now you no longer do the things that you did to entice that person to fall in love with you in the first place.

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<v Speaker 3>I challenge the women that I work with to fall in love with their husbands every day and I invite them to educate their husbands so they can do the same for them.

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<v Speaker 3>And how do they do that?

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<v Speaker 3>You create date nights.

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<v Speaker 3>You create a situation where a lot of the women what do we do?

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<v Speaker 3>We get up in the morning, we do our hair, we beat our faces, put on these cute outfits and everybody at work gets to see how fabulous we look, smell and act.

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<v Speaker 3>And then, as soon as we get home, what do we do?

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<v Speaker 3>We pull these bras off, take that hair down, wipe off that makeup and by the time our significant other spouses get home, we looking like McGill and Gorilla.

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<v Speaker 3>They didn't see all the fabulousness that they saw when we were dating.

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<v Speaker 3>I challenge those ladies I know it's been a rough day, but keep your day.

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<v Speaker 3>Look on until your spouse gets home and at least let him look at some of that cuteness too.

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<v Speaker 3>That'll give you an opportunity to say that.

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<v Speaker 3>And if it's just been a rough day, then at least if you're going to take it off, don't just put on sweats and a mess.

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<v Speaker 3>Get yourself some outfits that when he gets home he's seeing a fresh face, hair pulled back, smelling good.

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<v Speaker 3>Take a shower, ladies, and greet that man with some passion.

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<v Speaker 3>I know life is lifing, but the reality is we are putting so much into these jobs and our kids and we're neglecting our relationships with our significant other.

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<v Speaker 3>And the kids are going to grow up and go away and then y'all going to be looking at two other like strangers.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and that's a major problem.

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<v Speaker 2>During that transition you do so much and it's all about the kids and all about that, and then you don't know who each other are anymore.

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<v Speaker 3>And here's the thing.

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<v Speaker 3>What we don't realize is that we're teaching our kids how to have dysfunctional relationships, because we're not showing them samples of functional relationships.

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<v Speaker 3>When you are in a home and you teach a kid how to have date nights, guess what?

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<v Speaker 3>When they grow up, they expect to have them with their significant other.

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<v Speaker 3>If you teach them that it's okay to be affectionate with your spouse or significant other, they learn that they also learn when you're cussing and fussing at each other, when you're hooping and hollering, when you're hitting and being inappropriate.

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<v Speaker 3>So you just simply have to decide what lesson do you want to teach your children?

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, amen.

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<v Speaker 3>I want to teach them a lesson of being loved and being honored and being respected.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I love that, and I know my wife's on here, she's popping up some comments and so on.

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<v Speaker 2>Honey, don't forget date night tomorrow night.

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<v Speaker 3>There you go.

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<v Speaker 2>We have scheduled it and we should have did it a long time ago.

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<v Speaker 2>So just in time to talk to Brenda no idea where you're going here.

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<v Speaker 2>Just so you know.

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<v Speaker 2>That's okay, it's fantastic.

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<v Speaker 2>So what are some things you know, obviously.

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<v Speaker 2>What is what?

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<v Speaker 2>What do you define intimacy as?

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<v Speaker 3>intimacy is that closeness, that situation that happens when you're building your relationship and you have good communication.

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<v Speaker 3>You know it is not about um the physical, because we titled this today that intimacy is more than sex.

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<v Speaker 3>See, sex is the physical act.

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<v Speaker 3>You can have sex with someone and not be intimate.

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<v Speaker 3>Now, back in the day, when we was young, all y'all know who's what horny little heifers and we out there just doing everything and anything we can do big enough to, just didn't even like half the people you did it with.

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<v Speaker 3>Maybe that ain't y'all, I'm just.

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<v Speaker 3>I'll talk about me, okay, hey I'm just letting it go you know it was like, because intimacy is not sex again, sex is specifically the physical act.

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<v Speaker 3>Intimacy refers to the closeness, being being familiar, knowing somebody.

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<v Speaker 3>That's about trust, open communication and all those things that make you want to be close to someone.

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<v Speaker 3>Sex is just getting it on.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and intimacy is really the relationship, it's the relationship.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, and remember, and again, that's why I say when people hear intimacy, you can be intimate with a coworker, you can be intimate with a friend, you can be intimate with your significant other.

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<v Speaker 3>Now there's levels, because you know, don't be crossing the lines, y'all out there, don't get it twisted.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm not saying go up there and get your work wife that y'all be talking about, no, chase will be all in your business business, but that's another subject for another day.

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<v Speaker 3>Don't get me started on that one.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, let's get started, didn't you?

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<v Speaker 2>Didn't you?

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<v Speaker 2>Did you just say work wife.

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<v Speaker 3>Work wife.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh, you know, cause, when you, when I was at my job, when I was at the hospital, the first time my boss referred to me as his work wife, I was offended, but then I realized what it really meant.

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<v Speaker 3>That's that person, that's your right-hand person.

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<v Speaker 3>They're always doing everything for you.

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<v Speaker 3>Because I did everything for my boss.

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<v Speaker 3>That man barely had to pour a drink of glass in the water.

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<v Speaker 3>Okay, he was pampered and he started referring to me as his work wife, and his wife referred to me as his work wife.

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<v Speaker 3>Now, I later had a conversation with her and said that's not a good thing, sweetie, because if bossy keeps looking at me like that, we can cross some lines that we're not supposed to cross.

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<v Speaker 3>But see, I was good at that because I was very clear when I was there I am Mrs Warren and I have a husband, okay.

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<v Speaker 3>So you have to draw those clear lines because you can create such a level of intimacy that when you have a fight with your significant other, a spouse, you telling your work person about it and next thing you know y'all is bumping uglies in the sheets and you don't even know how you got there.

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<v Speaker 3>You're like I don't know how it happened.

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<v Speaker 3>You didn't just fall into it, baby you, you, you worked your way into it by creating an intimate relationship with someone you should have had clear boundaries with.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah absolutely, and I agree with that a hundred percent.

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<v Speaker 2>You, you, you get to that point and all of a sudden it's like how do we even get here?

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<v Speaker 3>Right and it's easy.

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<v Speaker 2>Very careful, be very careful and you have to work to make sure those boundaries are crossed Absolutely.

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<v Speaker 2>You both have to be very vigilant with that.

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<v Speaker 2>So so, as far as the intimacy, and of course we've already thrown the questions out and we're just doing- our thing.

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<v Speaker 2>So what are some ways to build more intimacy in that relationship?

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<v Speaker 2>Let's go with your spouse, let's start there.

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<v Speaker 3>OK with your spouse.

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<v Speaker 3>One of the first things is, first of all it's again when you do the parallels of a business have you and your spouse set out a vision for your relationship?

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<v Speaker 3>Most people don't even bother to do that.

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<v Speaker 3>When I tell the couples I work with that, they look at me like I'm crazy at first.

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<v Speaker 3>But I'm like, if you don't know where you're going, how are you going to get there?

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<v Speaker 3>And what is often amazing is that what one person's vision is.

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<v Speaker 3>It's totally different than what the other one's, because they never really talked about their expectations.

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<v Speaker 3>You know, we get our expectations based on how we were raised.

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<v Speaker 3>You know, if you were raised in a house where everybody was married and there's never been a divorce in your family but yet you married a person, that they get divorces like people change their underwear and they don't have no problem walking away.

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<v Speaker 3>Their walk away game is good because they don't even know what a healthy relationship works with.

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<v Speaker 3>If y'all haven't done the work, they have not gotten counsel.

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<v Speaker 3>That's a recipe for divorce right there.

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<v Speaker 3>So the first thing I say do is get a clear vision for your relationship and, while I'm on that, do not base it on somebody else's fantasy relationship you think they have.

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<v Speaker 3>Too many of us are looking at other people going oh, look at them and, baby, they so tore from the floor.

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<v Speaker 3>You'd be surprised if you went behind their closed door.

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<v Speaker 3>So I say, look at your own relationship and make it work for you.

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<v Speaker 3>And a good point is I have a couple that the gentleman stays home and the wife goes to work.

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<v Speaker 3>She's got more degrees than a thermometer.

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<v Speaker 3>She married a guy with a high school diploma.

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<v Speaker 3>He is an amazing man.

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<v Speaker 3>He is not a punk, but he knew that she had the skills and she loved what she does.

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<v Speaker 3>So he decided when they had kids that he would stay home and take care of the kids.

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<v Speaker 3>That's his jam.

00:16:01.241 --> 00:16:06.893
<v Speaker 3>He's one of the best fathers I know, but he's often ridiculed because he takes a non-traditional role.

00:16:06.893 --> 00:16:11.731
<v Speaker 3>But let me tell you they've been married now 30 something years.

00:16:11.731 --> 00:16:15.162
<v Speaker 3>Their kids are all happy, they're safe, they're productive.

00:16:15.162 --> 00:16:19.950
<v Speaker 3>They had a clear vision for what would be their marriage.

00:16:19.950 --> 00:16:22.114
<v Speaker 3>She's about to retire in another year.

00:16:22.114 --> 00:16:34.644
<v Speaker 3>Man, I really love that To travel but there was never a time when, based on how they set their particular marriage up, that there wasn't mutual respect.

00:16:34.644 --> 00:16:37.171
<v Speaker 3>Now did they have their rough points Absolutely.

00:16:37.171 --> 00:16:44.248
<v Speaker 3>However, they had a vision for what their relationship would look like, how they would raise their children and how they would live their life.

00:16:44.919 --> 00:16:45.942
<v Speaker 2>You know, that's fantastic.

00:16:45.942 --> 00:16:46.504
<v Speaker 2>I love that.

00:16:46.504 --> 00:16:52.730
<v Speaker 2>You know, and I got news for everybody being home with with children is generally the harder job.

00:16:52.730 --> 00:16:56.327
<v Speaker 2>Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely.

00:16:56.327 --> 00:16:58.552
<v Speaker 2>So that's fantastic.

00:16:58.552 --> 00:17:02.423
<v Speaker 2>You know story, if you will, and example, I love that.

00:17:02.423 --> 00:17:12.096
<v Speaker 2>So, if you will, having a clear vision setting date nights adventure dates.

00:17:12.819 --> 00:17:19.663
<v Speaker 3>Adventure dates, date nights, and the main thing about the way we get intimate with anyone, be it a significant other or just a random person, is you spend time with them, be it a significant other or just a random person.

00:17:19.663 --> 00:17:21.003
<v Speaker 3>And just spend time with them.

00:17:21.003 --> 00:17:24.705
<v Speaker 3>You get to know what they think, how they feel you also.

00:17:24.705 --> 00:17:30.229
<v Speaker 3>You nurture that relationship by being able to honor each other's individuality.

00:17:30.229 --> 00:17:35.172
<v Speaker 3>Nobody expects you, once you become a couple, to be a carbon copy.

00:17:35.172 --> 00:17:37.113
<v Speaker 3>You all have your own beliefs.

00:17:37.113 --> 00:17:39.653
<v Speaker 3>You understand the way you see things and view things.

00:17:39.653 --> 00:17:44.797
<v Speaker 3>You have to have some clear rules for how you settle disagreements.

00:17:45.477 --> 00:17:47.198
<v Speaker 2>You know, go into that a little bit, if you will.

00:17:54.140 --> 00:17:54.762
<v Speaker 3>And my as a Christian woman.

00:17:54.762 --> 00:17:56.150
<v Speaker 3>In my the way I was raised, the man always has the final say.

00:17:56.150 --> 00:17:58.039
<v Speaker 3>Now, nowadays, when you say that all the feminists will come with me, save your breath.

00:17:58.039 --> 00:18:05.726
<v Speaker 3>It ain't going to help you none, because I truly believe that everybody can't be in charge, but the couple has to decide for them.

00:18:05.726 --> 00:18:06.968
<v Speaker 3>I'm not going to tell nobody else.

00:18:06.968 --> 00:18:08.833
<v Speaker 3>They got to let their husband have the final word.

00:18:08.833 --> 00:18:18.548
<v Speaker 3>But what people don't understand when they hear that is that a man that has a heart after God's own heart, he's not making his final decision without his wife's input.

00:18:18.548 --> 00:18:19.751
<v Speaker 3>They need to read the Bible.

00:18:19.751 --> 00:18:30.123
<v Speaker 3>But anyway, the main point is that someone has to be able to have the final word when all things have been said and done about how y'all live, where you live, what you do.

00:18:30.123 --> 00:18:33.990
<v Speaker 3>Yes, some couples they don't do that.

00:18:33.990 --> 00:18:35.294
<v Speaker 3>I will tell you.

00:18:35.380 --> 00:18:39.409
<v Speaker 3>I was fortunate as I began to minister and talk to different people.

00:18:39.409 --> 00:18:41.192
<v Speaker 3>You hear the word submission.

00:18:41.192 --> 00:18:45.366
<v Speaker 3>People freak out, but it's nothing different than what they do every day.

00:18:45.366 --> 00:18:46.682
<v Speaker 3>And when I tell them that, they're surprised.

00:18:46.682 --> 00:18:49.394
<v Speaker 3>You go to a job every day and submit to what people tell you to do.

00:18:49.394 --> 00:18:51.542
<v Speaker 3>That boss tells you to jump your ass off.

00:18:51.542 --> 00:18:52.244
<v Speaker 3>What not high?

00:18:52.244 --> 00:18:57.184
<v Speaker 3>Why is it when you get home your husband asks you to do something you done lost your mind?

00:18:57.184 --> 00:18:59.731
<v Speaker 3>I ain't submitting to that Girl you done lost your mind.

00:18:59.731 --> 00:19:08.892
<v Speaker 3>They have to be an understanding and an agreement that when we make decisions for our family, these are the rules we follow.

00:19:10.021 --> 00:19:11.287
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, Well, that simplifies it right.

00:19:11.660 --> 00:19:12.201
<v Speaker 3>It simplifies.

00:19:12.201 --> 00:19:16.391
<v Speaker 3>That way, nobody's confused when different things come up.

00:19:16.391 --> 00:19:18.826
<v Speaker 3>It's right down to about how you raise your kids.

00:19:18.826 --> 00:19:30.625
<v Speaker 3>You have to have rules about that, because if one of the spouses is telling the kids don't do this, and then the other one's always countermanding that, the kids learn to go to the one that's always going to change their mind.

00:19:30.625 --> 00:19:33.945
<v Speaker 3>You see, for me we had a rule when Alex was little.

00:19:33.945 --> 00:19:37.890
<v Speaker 3>If mommy said don't do something, they went to daddy.

00:19:37.890 --> 00:19:40.021
<v Speaker 3>The first thing daddy would say is what did your mama say?

00:19:40.021 --> 00:19:41.605
<v Speaker 3>And vice versa.

00:19:43.428 --> 00:19:52.523
<v Speaker 3>I had a rule in my house you don't get to disrespect your father and if there was a, you don't raise your voice at your daddy.

00:19:52.523 --> 00:19:55.536
<v Speaker 3>And I remember one day I raised my voice at my husband and my kid said uh-uh, you can't talk to my daddy like that.

00:19:55.536 --> 00:19:56.579
<v Speaker 3>That's disrespectful.

00:19:56.579 --> 00:19:59.747
<v Speaker 3>I was like I apologized.

00:19:59.747 --> 00:20:00.930
<v Speaker 3>I immediately corrected.

00:20:00.930 --> 00:20:06.279
<v Speaker 3>I apologized to my husband, I apologized to my child because the tone of voice that I used was not loving.

00:20:06.279 --> 00:20:16.788
<v Speaker 3>Now, under my breath, I was thinking you sorry, son of a, but I knew that I had to practice what I preach, yeah, and acknowledge I was wrong.

00:20:17.107 --> 00:20:20.784
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and, as a leader, your kids are going to respect that, mm, hmm, obviously.

00:20:20.784 --> 00:20:22.268
<v Speaker 2>So that's fantastic.

00:20:22.268 --> 00:20:23.932
<v Speaker 2>So let's see.

00:20:23.932 --> 00:20:28.191
<v Speaker 2>So let's talk about if we can switch it up just a little bit, because I love the tap in method.

00:20:28.191 --> 00:20:33.132
<v Speaker 2>Can we talk about the tap in method just a little bit and then how that relates to relationships?

00:20:34.320 --> 00:20:43.534
<v Speaker 3>Now the normal tap in method is it's still the five step procedure and in my normal when I'm dealing with business, the T stands for transformation.

00:20:43.534 --> 00:20:57.945
<v Speaker 3>In business and in relationships, the A stands for accountability and announcement in the business, but in the relationship is authenticity.

00:20:57.945 --> 00:20:59.969
<v Speaker 3>So there's a slight difference there.

00:20:59.969 --> 00:21:04.976
<v Speaker 3>Inside of the business there's prepare.

00:21:04.976 --> 00:21:11.682
<v Speaker 3>Inside of the relationship we focus on presence because it's always the underlining, but we add this part into it.

00:21:11.682 --> 00:21:23.923
<v Speaker 3>And then when it comes to the I, that's the imagined face You're still going to imagine, but we add in intention when you come to that shift, and the bottom one is always nurture.

00:21:24.686 --> 00:21:25.931
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and I love that.

00:21:25.931 --> 00:21:27.477
<v Speaker 2>I love the tapping method.

00:21:27.477 --> 00:21:37.369
<v Speaker 2>We've talked about it multiple times now, and so with using that, I mean can you give an example With intimacy or a relationship?

00:21:39.181 --> 00:21:56.480
<v Speaker 3>One of the biggest challenges that we face when it comes to marriages is about intimacy and as it relates to sex itself, Because hopefully, if you're in a loving relationship, that you are sexually intimate not just having sex Right.

00:21:56.480 --> 00:22:03.813
<v Speaker 3>And so the tapping method comes in there, because sometimes we have to help people change their mindsets about what's appropriate and what's not.

00:22:03.813 --> 00:22:06.663
<v Speaker 3>I tell people keep preachers and people out your bed.

00:22:06.663 --> 00:22:14.934
<v Speaker 3>The marriage bed is undefiled and if you want to have a healthy sex life then you need to have that with your partner and not everybody else.

00:22:14.934 --> 00:22:17.584
<v Speaker 3>So that's about a shift of mindset out there.

00:22:17.584 --> 00:22:32.622
<v Speaker 3>Also, if they're not married already, whatever, I ask them to really really dive into each other's sexual thumbprint before you make that lifelong commitment, Because there is nothing worse than being in a sexually dissatisfying relationship.

00:22:32.622 --> 00:22:44.211
<v Speaker 3>And if you are not clear on what your sexual requirements and preferences are and you keep that on the down low until you get married, you can be really disappointed when you find out someone does not like what you like.

00:22:44.599 --> 00:22:45.020
<v Speaker 2>No doubt.

00:22:45.782 --> 00:22:47.446
<v Speaker 3>A lot of people.

00:22:47.446 --> 00:22:51.462
<v Speaker 3>That's how infidelity creep in, because if you won't guess what, somebody else will.

00:22:51.924 --> 00:23:04.203
<v Speaker 3>So you got to know your boundaries and what you are willing to pursue before you get there, so that you can say if I'm going to be able to sustain that relationship, so you've got to do the mindset thing.

00:23:04.203 --> 00:23:14.741
<v Speaker 3>When it comes to the next part, about the announcement, accountability and the authenticity, that is where it is always not always, but sometimes it's necessary to seek professional help.

00:23:14.741 --> 00:23:17.284
<v Speaker 3>But sometimes it's necessary to seek professional help.

00:23:17.284 --> 00:23:28.651
<v Speaker 3>As an example, if, if either partner has been sexually abused or traumatized in any way, there may be a need for counseling in order to build that intimacy.

00:23:28.651 --> 00:23:35.755
<v Speaker 3>If there was an infidelity that occurred, you may need a professional to help you work through all of that.

00:23:35.755 --> 00:23:47.101
<v Speaker 3>What I do say start bringing in professionals, vet them, vet them, vet them.

00:23:47.101 --> 00:23:52.892
<v Speaker 3>I am not a licensed therapist and I tell people that all the time I can help you, based on ministry, counseling and experience, however common.

00:23:52.892 --> 00:23:57.086
<v Speaker 3>Sometimes there's a level when you get to say, baby, that's beyond me, you need professional help.

00:23:57.847 --> 00:23:57.948
<v Speaker 2>And.

00:23:58.008 --> 00:24:16.308
<v Speaker 3>I really ask that people seek that and oftentimes they're shocked when I say this is above that, because if you have been someone that's been sexually abused, you should talk to a professional, really unpack that so that you can have a healthy sex life In the preparation stage and in the present stage.

00:24:16.308 --> 00:24:17.211
<v Speaker 3>That's what we talk about.

00:24:17.211 --> 00:24:20.405
<v Speaker 3>Oh, I love this part because that's what I'm talking about, especially for the ladies.

00:24:20.405 --> 00:24:22.691
<v Speaker 3>Ladies prepare for those encounters.

00:24:22.691 --> 00:24:26.323
<v Speaker 3>Men are visual and I need to say this right here.

00:24:26.323 --> 00:24:30.330
<v Speaker 3>Ladies, listen, sexy is not a dress size.

00:24:30.330 --> 00:24:36.631
<v Speaker 3>Too many of us are caught up in our sizes, unless your husband or significant other is blind.

00:24:36.631 --> 00:24:39.808
<v Speaker 3>They know what you look like and they still came to you.

00:24:39.808 --> 00:24:46.874
<v Speaker 3>And if you put on a few pounds since you've married them and you've blessed them with some children, they knew that was going to happen.

00:24:46.874 --> 00:24:55.034
<v Speaker 3>If you are fortunate enough to have a man that loves you, really loves you and is not caught up in your weight, he's going to love you whether you got a few extra pounds or not.

00:24:55.034 --> 00:25:01.184
<v Speaker 3>And if he's telling you that, stop trying to put your perception of self on him.

00:25:02.093 --> 00:25:09.101
<v Speaker 3>I had a client that husband had not seen her undressed naked in 20 years, had not seen.

00:25:09.101 --> 00:25:14.214
<v Speaker 3>They've been having intimate relations, but he hadn't seen her without her cold off.

00:25:14.214 --> 00:25:18.026
<v Speaker 3>They make love in the dark because she was so ashamed of her body.

00:25:18.026 --> 00:25:20.463
<v Speaker 3>If you're that ashamed, y'all better go start working out.

00:25:20.463 --> 00:25:23.171
<v Speaker 3>There's walk, you can walk, you can go to the gym.

00:25:23.191 --> 00:25:23.992
<v Speaker 3>You have options.

00:25:23.992 --> 00:25:26.827
<v Speaker 3>Stop complaining about results you're not willing to work for?

00:25:26.827 --> 00:25:30.046
<v Speaker 3>Okay, shut up and be what it is.

00:25:30.046 --> 00:25:32.299
<v Speaker 3>But if you want to do something about it, do something.

00:25:32.299 --> 00:25:40.374
<v Speaker 3>And if you don't and you own where you are, your body is capable of great pain and great pleasure, regardless of the size.

00:25:40.374 --> 00:25:52.301
<v Speaker 3>And if you're fortunate enough to have a partner that will love every inch of you, regardless of your size, baby, have fun, kick your feet up and enjoy, and stop getting caught up in your head, because most men are not.

00:25:52.301 --> 00:25:55.650
<v Speaker 3>I've interviewed men, I've done surveys.

00:25:55.650 --> 00:26:06.260
<v Speaker 3>They are not caught up in the things that we're caught up in and we often describe ourselves of some great sexual pleasure, are not caught up in the things that we're caught up in and we often deprive ourselves of some great sexual pleasure by being caught up in body parts and stuff that don't even matter.

00:26:06.280 --> 00:26:07.845
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, totally makes sense.

00:26:07.845 --> 00:26:11.971
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, so where were we at?

00:26:11.971 --> 00:26:13.259
<v Speaker 2>On the tapping method, I'm sorry.

00:26:13.780 --> 00:26:14.662
<v Speaker 3>Okay, that was a P.

00:26:14.662 --> 00:26:15.663
<v Speaker 3>And then we go to the.

00:26:15.663 --> 00:26:23.955
<v Speaker 3>Imagine, imagine how amazing your sex life could be, your intimate life could be, if you actually thought through it.

00:26:23.955 --> 00:26:26.464
<v Speaker 3>I encourage my couples to play games.

00:26:26.464 --> 00:26:28.028
<v Speaker 3>There's a game called Almosting.

00:26:28.028 --> 00:26:31.134
<v Speaker 3>There's a game called Kiss and Tell.

00:26:31.134 --> 00:26:36.166
<v Speaker 3>You know, a kiss and tell is just about you kiss that and you tell me if you like it, if you don't, if you don't, we move on.

00:26:36.166 --> 00:26:37.569
<v Speaker 3>It's just about having fun.

00:26:37.569 --> 00:26:38.832
<v Speaker 3>Be free to play.

00:26:38.832 --> 00:26:40.654
<v Speaker 3>You know it was.

00:26:40.654 --> 00:26:41.500
<v Speaker 3>It's.

00:26:41.842 --> 00:26:46.300
<v Speaker 3>Oftentimes we get so caught up in what, if they, what would they think about me if I did that?

00:26:46.300 --> 00:26:48.025
<v Speaker 3>I touched that, I kissed that, I licked that.

00:26:48.025 --> 00:26:59.048
<v Speaker 3>Well, you need to be having those open conversations about what you're comfortable with and you also need to not pressure your partner into doing things they're not comfortable with, absolutely.

00:26:59.048 --> 00:27:13.287
<v Speaker 3>You know that's not cool, but that's why it's important to have these kind of conversations before you commit to that lifelong partnership, because if someone has a mindset that, no, I ain't never, ever, and that's something you really enjoy, you're going to be really disappointed.

00:27:14.390 --> 00:27:15.251
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, absolutely.

00:27:15.740 --> 00:27:20.519
<v Speaker 3>So in the preparation phase, we encourage the ladies and I mainly work with ladies.

00:27:20.519 --> 00:27:31.551
<v Speaker 3>I do have a few enlightened men that love to have a conversation, but I teach the ladies how to talk dirty at the dark without being nasty, how to write love letters and sex letters to their significant other.

00:27:31.551 --> 00:27:43.753
<v Speaker 3>We talk about playing the games, about keeping it interesting, about asking a family member a trusted I'm going to say that trusted family member or someone to watch your'm going to say that trusted family member, or someone to watch your kids, so that you can spend time with your spouse.

00:27:43.753 --> 00:27:48.898
<v Speaker 3>And if that's not possible, you two maybe need to take off during the day and go to a hotel somewhere.

00:27:48.898 --> 00:27:53.421
<v Speaker 3>Whatever you got to do to spice it up and keep it interesting, I encourage Remember y'all married.

00:27:53.421 --> 00:27:55.002
<v Speaker 3>That's a license to have sex.

00:27:55.002 --> 00:27:55.845
<v Speaker 3>What's wrong with y'all?

00:27:55.845 --> 00:27:57.768
<v Speaker 3>We didn't even know yet.

00:27:59.510 --> 00:27:59.971
<v Speaker 2>I love it.

00:27:59.971 --> 00:28:00.471
<v Speaker 2>I love it.

00:28:00.471 --> 00:28:02.234
<v Speaker 2>My aunt is on here, just so you know.

00:28:02.234 --> 00:28:07.970
<v Speaker 2>She just said Mike, no smiling, that's hilarious.

00:28:07.970 --> 00:28:08.771
<v Speaker 2>That is hilarious.

00:28:08.771 --> 00:28:12.086
<v Speaker 2>So unfortunately we're at the end here.

00:28:12.086 --> 00:28:17.461
<v Speaker 2>We didn't get to talk about sharks or guinea pigs or anything, but we'll do that again next time.

00:28:17.461 --> 00:28:24.522
<v Speaker 2>So, if we can, brenda, as always, can I get three tips to help get veterans further faster?

00:28:25.944 --> 00:28:27.887
<v Speaker 3>I think, as it relates to intimacy.

00:28:29.510 --> 00:28:30.392
<v Speaker 2>Yes, absolutely.

00:28:30.992 --> 00:28:32.760
<v Speaker 3>Okay, I see the mic, don't smile.

00:28:32.760 --> 00:28:37.471
<v Speaker 3>Number one date each other.

00:28:37.471 --> 00:28:39.114
<v Speaker 3>Date nights are so important.

00:28:39.114 --> 00:28:44.528
<v Speaker 3>Number two have those uncomfortable conversations before they become uncomfortable.

00:28:44.528 --> 00:28:47.136
<v Speaker 3>Talk to each other openly and honestly.

00:28:47.136 --> 00:28:50.045
<v Speaker 3>And number three keep other people out of your bedrooms.

00:28:50.045 --> 00:28:51.568
<v Speaker 3>It's just between the two of you.

00:28:52.411 --> 00:28:55.463
<v Speaker 2>I love that, I love that and can I just you know it really was.

00:28:55.463 --> 00:28:59.971
<v Speaker 2>I think what a fantastic tip is get out of your own head.

00:28:59.971 --> 00:29:04.806
<v Speaker 2>Get out of your own head because number one, we're guys, we're simple.

00:29:04.806 --> 00:29:11.161
<v Speaker 2>And it's both ways I'm not just picking on ladies at all, but we're simple.

00:29:11.181 --> 00:29:36.547
<v Speaker 3>The next time we talk, we definitely need to talk about some things men can do to make their women more receptive, because y'all don't understand, I'm telling you, if y'all would start washing some dishes, picking up some clothes not for everyone, because some women are about service but I'm telling you, if y'all would start really participating in the child rearing and really really taking some of the pressure off those women that actually work outside the home, because when they come back from work they having to work again with the kids and oftentimes the guys are kind of sitting on the sidelines.

00:29:36.547 --> 00:29:40.631
<v Speaker 3>But if you want somebody swinging from the chandeliers, you got to help them, have the energy to do so.

00:29:43.153 --> 00:29:44.075
<v Speaker 2>I really do love you.

00:29:44.075 --> 00:29:50.009
<v Speaker 2>You're awesome, so these conversations are some of the funnest I have.

00:29:50.009 --> 00:29:50.551
<v Speaker 2>Is that a word?

00:29:50.551 --> 00:29:55.929
<v Speaker 2>Funnest, funnest it can be a word the most fun that I have.

00:29:55.929 --> 00:29:57.752
<v Speaker 2>I love having you on every time.

00:29:57.752 --> 00:30:00.126
<v Speaker 2>So, Brenda, how do people reach out to you, my friend.

00:30:00.700 --> 00:30:07.730
<v Speaker 3>You can reach out to me on LinkedIn at BrendaTheSolutionist S-O-U-L-U-T-I-O-N-I-S-T.

00:30:07.730 --> 00:30:08.672
<v Speaker 3>Solutionist.

00:30:08.672 --> 00:30:10.295
<v Speaker 3>Brendathesolutionistcom.

00:30:10.295 --> 00:30:12.384
<v Speaker 3>I'm the Solutionist everywhere.

00:30:12.384 --> 00:30:13.288
<v Speaker 3>Just reach out.

00:30:13.288 --> 00:30:17.670
<v Speaker 3>Awesome, and remember I help you create a business and a work.

00:30:17.670 --> 00:30:18.471
<v Speaker 3>What do you call it?

00:30:18.471 --> 00:30:20.878
<v Speaker 3>Business and a family life?

00:30:20.878 --> 00:30:24.460
<v Speaker 3>Harmony, because the choices you make today will be the reality you live tomorrow.

00:30:24.460 --> 00:30:28.590
<v Speaker 3>So choose to have intimate relationships that last I love it.

00:30:28.700 --> 00:30:30.386
<v Speaker 2>On that note, we are out of here.

00:30:33.980 --> 00:30:40.430
<v Speaker 1>Thank you for joining us on another insightful journey of your Thoughts your Reality podcast with your host, host Michael Cole.

00:30:40.430 --> 00:30:44.075
<v Speaker 1>We hope the conversation sparked some thoughts that resonate with you.

00:30:44.075 --> 00:30:50.633
<v Speaker 1>To dive deeper into empowering your thoughts and enhancing your reality, visit empowerperformancestrategiescom.

00:30:50.633 --> 00:30:55.673
<v Speaker 1>Remember your thoughts shape your reality, so make them count.

00:30:55.673 --> 00:31:00.690
<v Speaker 1>Until next time, stay inspired and keep creating the reality you desire.

00:31:00.690 --> 00:31:02.446
<v Speaker 1>Catch you on the next episode.