378 | Stop Rescuing Children in the Playroom

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi,

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I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,

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The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode,

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we are discussing

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A really important topic.

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I don't even know how to introduce it.

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I guess if I'm being really open and transparent,

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not that I'm

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ever anything but.

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I'm really tired of therapists telling me how hard it is to let

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a child struggle in the playroom and I can't take it anymore.

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So we're gonna talk about it.

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That's my intro.

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I,

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I can't even give you like this is so philosophically important,

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which it is,

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but really,

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I,

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I just,

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I have no tolerance for it.

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My threshold has

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exhausted itself and

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we need to understand that what we're doing in a playroom

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is more than

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A list of skills

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If we are missing the purpose of the skill,

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if we don't understand what is at the heart of a skill.

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We are totally missing

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a crucial,

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significant piece

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of why we're CCPT,

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and I think that is at the heart

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of struggling to let a child struggle.

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It's because you don't understand the purpose

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behind why the child is given the opportunity to struggle.

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So,

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we're just going to deep dive that and we'll see.

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So,

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don't,

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don't feel attacked.

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If,

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if you're that person going,

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oh no,

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she is totally talking to me.

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It's like when you go to church and you think

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that the pastor wrote that sermon specifically for you.

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I promise this is not a personal attack,

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but you

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have to get to a point

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where you are thrilled when a child struggles,

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and I mean that with all sincerity.

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You,

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you get to a point where you're like,

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oh,

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I'm so glad.

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I'm so glad that this child is having a hard time with this

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because you know what's going to come out of that.

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But if you're sitting there

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just dying inside because you want to help,

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then we've totally missed the philosophical

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point.

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So,

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let's,

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let's talk through this.

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I was on a call 2 weeks ago now.

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And

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I.

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Actually,

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I do this a lot.

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It wasn't just a one-time thing.

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I catch CCPTs

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giving really subtle help and clues to kids.

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It's not overt.

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It's not like the CCPT goes,

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Oh,

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you just push that thing right there,

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cause that would be really in your face problem solving.

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And that would be a huge violation of never do

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for a child that which they can do for themselves.

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So we don't necessarily do that very often,

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where it's just like totally

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evident that you're helping,

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but

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we'll say,

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oh,

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you're wondering where the water is,

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and you glance with your eyes for too long

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in the direction of where the water is in the playroom,

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hoping that the child realizes what you're staring at,

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or a child is struggling and struggling and struggling to get something open.

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And you say something like,

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oh,

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you're pushing it,

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but it doesn't push.

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Y'all

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stop.

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I went off on,

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on a coaching call a couple of weeks ago.

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I mean,

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my going off isn't really going off,

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but,

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but I was probably on a 10-minute frustrated rant

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and I was like,

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stop it.

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I was like,

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you have to stop doing that.

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And then the whole call,

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everybody on the call was like,

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it's so hard.

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It is the worst thing.

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It is terrible.

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It is so difficult,

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and that frustrated me even more

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because

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if we are sitting there internally.

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Freaking out because a child is struggling

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and we are just dying inside

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because it is so terrible to watch a child struggle,

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you have completely missed the purpose

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of returning responsibility.

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We are not returning responsibility to check off a box.

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We're not returning responsibility

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because it's one of the 11 things that we do in a playroom.

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We're not returning responsibility because we're told to

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in order to be adherent to the model.

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We return responsibility

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and a child struggles

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and a child figures things out for themselves and we don't have answers and we

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don't have solutions and we don't help and we don't swoop in and we don't rescue

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and we don't fix and we don't do all these things.

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Why?

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Not because there's rigidity and we're told that we can't,

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so we spend the whole time lamenting the fact that we can't.

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What are we doing?

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That is not CCPT.

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CCPT is watching a child

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and.

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Responding in all the appropriate adherent ways

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and at the depth of our core going,

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yes,

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this is exactly what this child needs.

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Yes,

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keep struggling with it,

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bud.

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Yes,

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girl,

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come on,

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you can figure this out.

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Yes,

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yes,

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this is exactly what you need.

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Yes,

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you're gonna figure this out eventually.

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Yeah,

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you're gonna learn to regulate,

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you're gonna learn to control your emotions.

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You're gonna learn to do all the things that I know CCPT produces in you,

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but I have to stay out of your way.

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Y'all,

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come on

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We are not in the playroom

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to wrestle internally with ourselves

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over how difficult it is for to watch a child have a difficult moment.

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I don't know how many of y'all are familiar with the CPRT curriculum.

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So if you've read this,

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this is gonna be a helpful reminder.

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If you have no clue what I'm talking about,

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this will be a whole new story for you.

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In the CPRT manual,

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when you coach parents,

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they share the story of butterflies and cocoons.

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And actually right now in Florida.

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So

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my birthday was this weekend.

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So

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end of February,

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early March,

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it's always consistent with my birthday.

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All of the monarchs

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are

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in cocoons.

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And so it tells

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the story in the manual

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of

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families watching cocoons and the butterflies hatching.

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And they watched the butterfly chew this tiny,

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tiny little hole in the bottom of the cocoon.

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And watched it spend a very,

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very long time trying to squeeze itself out of the hole in the cocoon.

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And when it finally squeezed itself through,

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it laid there exhausted for a while,

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but then it revived itself and it was able to fly away.

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And so well intended,

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well meaning.

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Caring about an animal's well-being,

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family says,

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well gosh,

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that was awful.

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Let's just open up the cocoon so that it's easier for the butterfly.

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And so very carefully put a little cut in the cocoon

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so that the butterfly didn't have to go through the

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process of struggling to break free from the cocoon.

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And the butterfly had a much easier time coming out.

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And it laid there next to the cocoon and died.

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And

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the question then of course the family presents is,

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oh my gosh,

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what happened?

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We thought we were helping.

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We thought we were making it easier.

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We thought we were solving the problem.

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We thought we were rescuing that butterfly from having to go through that

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tedious,

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hard process.

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And

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random things that I know,

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the study of butterflies is lepidoptery.

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So,

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the lepidopterist was brought into the conversation.

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And informed the family.

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That the struggle that the butterfly goes through

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to squeeze itself and push itself out through the hole,

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pushes all kinds of capillaries into the wings.

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And

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it does all kinds of things to fortify the butterfly

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so that it is strong enough

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to fly,

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and when it doesn't have to go through the hole

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and it doesn't have to go through the struggle,

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it's too weak to survive

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and it dies.

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So the next time you are in a playroom

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and you are

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coming unhinged because this kid is struggling in front of you,

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look,

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it is OK if kids cry in your playroom.

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It is OK if kids get mad in your playroom.

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It is OK if kids give up in your playroom.

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It is OK if kids tell you they hate you because you will not help them.

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Every moment that those things take place,

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you should be internally celebrating and let's be really clear,

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we are neutral on the outside.

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So,

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kid has no idea

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whether we're happy,

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sad,

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mad,

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or indifferent in the playroom.

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But

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internally,

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there should be deep satisfaction and contentment

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because we can say wholeheartedly,

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this is exactly what you need to be doing right now.

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You are struggling with this because you are compelled to struggle

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because you know it's something that you need to conquer.

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You keep coming back to that and you keep revisiting that

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and you still haven't figured it out,

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but here's the word that we put to work.

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Yet

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You haven't figured that out yet.

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You're not sure how to do that yet.

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I did an episode on that a long time ago.

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Why?

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Because

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it is so important for us to realize that it is a process.

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And if they

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can't figure something out,

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if they can't find something,

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if they don't know how to open something,

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if they don't know what something's called,

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if they're not sure what to do to fix a problem in the playroom,

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as they continue to work on it.

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00:09:58,270 --> 00:10:00,739
We should be celebrating that,

280
00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:02,450
knowing what's going to come,

281
00:10:02,909 --> 00:10:04,479
because here's the contrast.

282
00:10:05,869 --> 00:10:07,460
When we don't have answers,

283
00:10:07,549 --> 00:10:08,950
when we don't have solutions,

284
00:10:09,030 --> 00:10:11,289
when we don't fix and rescue and save.

285
00:10:12,059 --> 00:10:13,669
The child is forced to do it,

286
00:10:13,869 --> 00:10:15,429
and let's look at the opposite.

287
00:10:16,729 --> 00:10:19,280
Do we want a child to walk out of that playroom and go,

288
00:10:19,570 --> 00:10:19,760
wow,

289
00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,460
Miss Brenna's so good at things.

290
00:10:22,039 --> 00:10:23,380
Miss Brenna's so smart.

291
00:10:23,679 --> 00:10:25,320
Miss Brenna always knows what to do.

292
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:26,820
Miss Brenna can open anything.

293
00:10:27,119 --> 00:10:28,840
Miss Brenna knows what everything's called.

294
00:10:29,039 --> 00:10:31,200
Miss Brenna can always fix the problem for me.

295
00:10:31,469 --> 00:10:33,640
Miss Brenna can always save me from my struggle.

296
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,760
Miss Brenna's going to step in and make everything better for me.

297
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:39,250
Perish the thought,

298
00:10:39,390 --> 00:10:40,299
God forbid,

299
00:10:40,309 --> 00:10:44,169
that's what a kid walks away from my playroom and says or thinks or feels.

300
00:10:46,659 --> 00:10:48,479
Because the whole premise is

301
00:10:48,659 --> 00:10:50,640
we stay out of the child's way.

302
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,510
And then the child starts to learn,

303
00:10:54,799 --> 00:10:55,669
I can do this.

304
00:10:55,799 --> 00:10:56,919
I can figure this out.

305
00:10:57,039 --> 00:10:57,880
I'm competent.

306
00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:58,619
I'm enough.

307
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,099
I accept myself.

308
00:11:00,479 --> 00:11:01,789
I will regulate myself.

309
00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:03,260
I will control myself.

310
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:05,280
I can build frustration tolerance.

311
00:11:05,359 --> 00:11:06,659
I will problem solve.

312
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:08,419
I know that I'm going to be OK.

313
00:11:09,570 --> 00:11:11,119
That's what they're building,

314
00:11:11,239 --> 00:11:12,859
that's what they're proving

315
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:14,750
and learning about themselves

316
00:11:15,599 --> 00:11:17,239
when no one swoops in.

317
00:11:18,809 --> 00:11:20,380
We have an entire

318
00:11:20,690 --> 00:11:21,760
generation of people.

319
00:11:22,609 --> 00:11:24,549
That I call snowflakes

320
00:11:25,049 --> 00:11:26,830
because they are so fragile

321
00:11:27,289 --> 00:11:29,650
because they've never had to build any grit.

322
00:11:30,539 --> 00:11:32,900
They've never had to build any determination.

323
00:11:33,179 --> 00:11:34,619
Everyone gets a trophy.

324
00:11:35,450 --> 00:11:38,109
Everyone gets acknowledged for participating.

325
00:11:39,619 --> 00:11:40,909
You don't become

326
00:11:41,739 --> 00:11:43,080
a tenacious,

327
00:11:43,659 --> 00:11:44,179
strong,

328
00:11:44,419 --> 00:11:45,479
capable person

329
00:11:46,219 --> 00:11:47,419
on easy street.

330
00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:51,890
The struggle forges strength.

331
00:11:52,719 --> 00:11:54,770
The strongest people I know

332
00:11:55,190 --> 00:11:56,590
have been through the wringer.

333
00:11:58,010 --> 00:12:00,690
The most capable people I know have had

334
00:12:00,690 --> 00:12:03,450
to conquer problem after problem after problem.

335
00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:06,659
It makes you a stronger,

336
00:12:06,780 --> 00:12:07,739
more capable,

337
00:12:07,900 --> 00:12:09,299
more confident person.

338
00:12:10,409 --> 00:12:12,429
When you figure stuff out for yourself.

339
00:12:13,690 --> 00:12:17,369
So every second that you spend watching a child struggle,

340
00:12:17,729 --> 00:12:20,000
you should be internally grateful for it,

341
00:12:20,169 --> 00:12:22,849
and you sure as heck should not be sitting there going,

342
00:12:23,010 --> 00:12:23,409
Oh my gosh,

343
00:12:23,450 --> 00:12:24,440
I want to help so bad,

344
00:12:24,450 --> 00:12:24,729
and like,

345
00:12:24,770 --> 00:12:24,890
oh,

346
00:12:24,929 --> 00:12:25,770
if I could just do that,

347
00:12:25,890 --> 00:12:26,030
like,

348
00:12:26,039 --> 00:12:26,159
oh,

349
00:12:26,210 --> 00:12:27,479
I'll just give like a really subtle clue.

350
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,239
I'm not going to give them like a really obvious clue,

351
00:12:29,289 --> 00:12:31,309
but I'm just going to like help a little bit because

352
00:12:31,489 --> 00:12:32,789
I just can't take this.

353
00:12:33,330 --> 00:12:34,729
Y'all need to work on that.

354
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:39,330
That should not be the fight that is going on in your brain.

355
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,510
The only thing going on in your brain should be,

356
00:12:42,690 --> 00:12:43,289
yes.

357
00:12:44,179 --> 00:12:44,719
Yes,

358
00:12:44,940 --> 00:12:46,059
that's exactly what you need.

359
00:12:46,169 --> 00:12:46,919
Yes,

360
00:12:47,580 --> 00:12:47,940
come on,

361
00:12:48,059 --> 00:12:48,609
yes.

362
00:12:49,719 --> 00:12:50,919
However long it takes.

363
00:12:52,130 --> 00:12:52,140
Because

364
00:12:52,590 --> 00:12:53,960
it's expectancy.

365
00:12:54,979 --> 00:12:56,260
There's no expectation.

366
00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:57,140
Let's be really clear,

367
00:12:57,260 --> 00:12:58,710
Landreth makes that distinction.

368
00:12:58,940 --> 00:13:01,390
We don't have expectations of what's going to happen,

369
00:13:01,820 --> 00:13:03,380
but there is expectancy.

370
00:13:04,919 --> 00:13:06,809
We are expectantly waiting.

371
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,559
What the child's going to gain

372
00:13:10,179 --> 00:13:11,619
from all of those struggles.

373
00:13:13,270 --> 00:13:14,890
So please be encouraged.

374
00:13:15,109 --> 00:13:17,109
Please challenge yourself.

375
00:13:17,950 --> 00:13:19,409
To confront

376
00:13:19,710 --> 00:13:21,229
your need to swoop in.

377
00:13:21,989 --> 00:13:23,820
And even if you're not swooping in,

378
00:13:24,159 --> 00:13:26,710
if it's hard for you to not swoop in,

379
00:13:26,919 --> 00:13:28,400
you need to conquer that too.

380
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:29,159
So there's,

381
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,989
there's layers and levels here.

382
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:32,539
Some of you are

383
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:33,869
not going to jump in,

384
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,760
but you're miserable the whole time.

385
00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:40,320
What do you need to do to get to a point where you're thrilled

386
00:13:40,859 --> 00:13:42,359
that the child is going through that?

387
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:44,349
And I know I,

388
00:13:44,359 --> 00:13:46,599
I had all my coaching people last week like,

389
00:13:47,390 --> 00:13:49,340
It's the bleeding hearts in us.

390
00:13:49,500 --> 00:13:49,750
It's,

391
00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:50,429
it's the,

392
00:13:50,549 --> 00:13:51,150
the givers,

393
00:13:51,190 --> 00:13:51,979
it's the servers,

394
00:13:52,030 --> 00:13:52,809
it's the helpers.

395
00:13:52,909 --> 00:13:53,619
I know.

396
00:13:53,830 --> 00:13:55,219
I know that's how we're wired.

397
00:13:55,309 --> 00:13:55,429
Look,

398
00:13:55,469 --> 00:13:56,849
you don't do this job

399
00:13:57,190 --> 00:13:58,690
if you don't wanna help people.

400
00:13:58,909 --> 00:13:59,750
I get it.

401
00:14:01,150 --> 00:14:04,049
But it gets in the way of fidelity to the model,

402
00:14:04,150 --> 00:14:07,650
and anything that we realize gets in the way of our fidelity,

403
00:14:07,869 --> 00:14:08,909
we have to purge it.

404
00:14:10,179 --> 00:14:13,840
So start purging your need to rescue and help and fix,

405
00:14:14,450 --> 00:14:16,400
even in subtle small ways,

406
00:14:16,419 --> 00:14:21,020
because it represents a misunderstanding of the model and what the goal is.

407
00:14:22,489 --> 00:14:22,690
So,

408
00:14:22,789 --> 00:14:23,489
I love y'all.

409
00:14:23,549 --> 00:14:25,030
I hope that encourages you.

410
00:14:25,609 --> 00:14:26,320
Share your thoughts with me.

411
00:14:26,369 --> 00:14:27,010
I'd love to hear.

412
00:14:27,119 --> 00:14:29,309
Email me brenna@hekicounselor.com,

413
00:14:29,890 --> 00:14:31,289
and I hope y'all have a great week.

414
00:14:31,409 --> 00:14:32,229
Happy March.

415
00:14:32,409 --> 00:14:33,169
I'll talk later.

416
00:14:33,359 --> 00:14:33,650
Bye.

417
00:14:34,710 --> 00:14:38,500
Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

418
00:14:38,750 --> 00:14:40,669
For more episodes and resources,

419
00:14:40,830 --> 00:14:45,590
please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.