390. The psychology of serial monogamy & relationship hopping

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here, back for another episode. I am very excited for this episode because I think it's something that a lot of us are going to find relevant and very revealing. Today we are talking about serial monogamy or relationship popping. I think it is safe to say we have all had We all know that one person, that one friend who seemingly cannot stay single for any pece period of time, who's always in a relationship. We all have encountered that person in our dating lives who maybe wants something suspiciously fast despite having just gone through a breakup. Somebody who really seems to be hell bent on finding a relationship after only just ending one very very previously, very shortly before. Maybe you are that person. This is what we're talking about today, relationship popping, This situation phenomena where somebody jumps quickly from relationship to relationship without really leaving any time for emotional processing, for healing, for self reflection. It's not simply going on a few dates after a bad breakup or meeting a new person kind of serendipitously after a bad breakup. We've all done it, well, I think had those moments where well, maybe not all of us, but I think it's pretty normal to sometimes have those moments where a relationship ends and you happen to find somebody really amazing pretty soon after. What we are talking about instead is this pattern of quickly needing emotionally significant relationships to follow each other very much, needing exclusivity, needing a partner in your life, often having very little space in between the people you date. Before we let our minds assume that this is a personality flaw, I have got to remind you this isn't necessarily bad. Like I said, some people genuinely thrive in partnership. They date intentionally, perhaps for religious or personal reasons, and that's fine. But the question is what do you lose when you do that, if anything? And why do some people feel almost unable to be single whereas other people avoid relationships entirely? What is that human difference that makes people go either of those ways. So let's start with I guess some basics, not so much a definition, but some parameters around what makes somebody a serial monogamist. There is no definition. I personally think you could label yourself or somebody you know as a serial monogamist when they consistently leave less than three months between significant relationships, or they consistently leave less than three months between leaving a relationship and actively seeking out another committed relationship. This is not just a one off, it's not just a long time coming after a breakup, and it's not just rebound relationships after This is sort out commitment. A rebound relationship, you know, a rebound relationship is usually just a single event, and I think it's usually just about distraction, right, It's partly about soothing, it's partly about proving you're desirable. It's partly about feeling like you need to do the things that single people do after being in a relationship for a while. Sometimes it's just about a new connection, but you kind of know with rebound relationships they're not gonna last. Relationship hopping, though, is seeking relationships that will be something meaningful for you, and it's this state emotional state where being single is like completely intolerable and you really do require a relationship for emotional stability, a sense of emotional and self centeredness, not self centeredness in like the egotistical way, but like self stability in a way, and you don't know who you are or what to do without it. Again, this isn't some moral flaw or something that you should be ashamed of, but you should be aware of it because maybe it is causing you to make rash dating or relationship decisions you otherwise wouldn't. And I honestly think that most of the time, at its minimum, at its lowest, it is causing you to miss out on the deep, deep self discovery that you get from being alone for while, and the privilege that you get from being single, especially during your twenties. So a big question you may be asking is again, why am I like this? Why are some people like this? This is where attachment theory comes in, but not as you know it without giving you like the whole rundown of all the different attachment styles, because I feel like that's been done to death. Let me just say this attachment is essentially just your unique blueprint for how you respond to closeness, how you respond to love, how you respond to uncertainty, and how you respond to emotional threats inside and outside of relationships. People with anxious attachment styles are often more likely to be serial monogamous. We know that's probably because they struggle. They struggle with the fear of abandonment. They struggle with the idea that somebody could leave them, So having a label is really comforting. But another influential idea coming from these researchers in the eighties, their names were Cassidy go Back. Basically, what they thought was that anxious attach people they often use hyper activating strategies to sell sooth, whereas avoidant people use underactivating strategies to self sooth. So essentially, people who are anxious make themselves feel better by turning up the volume and turning up the intensity of a relationship reassurance seeking, forcing urgency, forcing proximity, putting more focus on the relationship as a solution to their discomfort, whereas people who are avoidant want to turn all of that down, seeking proximity, seeking deep intimacy, sometimes with whoever comes through the door first. It is a self regulating strategy. Because when we feel dangerous or we feel uncertain about the future, when we feel uncertain about whether we'll find love again, whether we'll be lonely, whether we'll be whether we'll find peace, it's very easy to put off thinking those things. If you have somebody in your life, you can say, oh, look at this, I've got this person, this person who cares about me. I must be doing something right. That is why some people feel safest when they have a partner, because it feels like something in their life is going right. It feels like they're doing something that society approves of. It feels like then it represents to them that they have a place to go home to, they have somebody who cares about them, and they have been chosen. So there's this whole mix of things bubbling up, anxiety, self esteem, self worth, nervous system regulation, attachment. The irony of relationship hopping, though, is that I think ironically we think people who are in relationships must be secure, and those who are out of them must be have something wrong with their attachment style. But people who are always in relationships are sometimes the most anxious and disorganized people internally. Being partnered doesn't automatically equal emotional safety or emotional maturity. It can sometimes just be that we have this coping strategy of seeking emotional closeness with others. That means, you know, from the outside, it always seems like everything's going well. It always seems like we've got somebody who cares about us and loves us, and you know, we must be we must be the shit, We must be pretty great. But the thing is is that those relationships, and I'm not going to speak for your experiences, just from what I've seen, those relationships are often quite shallow because real vulnerability and real connection, like we know this, you know this, It takes time, and it takes difficult things to bond, to bond people together. It's awkward. Real vulnerability is actually really awkward because it involves risk, the risk of reaching out to somebody and then rejecting you. It involves the risk of being chosen and being safe and being loved and then maybe somebody turning around and not feeling those same things towards you, and you know, just kind of knowing that, knowing that's a possibility, and still trusting them, especially in those early stages, especially when you're first getting to know somebody. Now, if you are somebody who is very anxious and has a deep rooted fear of rejection or abandonment, those early, those early days, those early stages of risk and vulnerability and uncertainty, that can be unbearable. It can be unbearable to like your self esteem and to your sense of emotional safety. So instead you chase that artificial closeness. You chase the closeness that is created by structure, and created by proximity, and created by a label, and created by far commitment and fast enmeshment and fast emotional intimacy rather than just sometimes letting things happen naturally. And it's not manipulative. This isn't a character flaw. It's self protection. It's the logic of thinking, if I make this official really quickly, if I lock this person down fast, I'll be safe. If you know who cares. If I just met this person three weeks ago, a week ago, if they're my partner and they have that label, then they can't they can't leave me. That's one more barrier to them walking out of me like the last person did, or this relationship crumbling like the last one did. Really, I think sometimes relationship hopping is really just a way of avoiding the grief associated with past hurt. You know, think about what happens after a breakup. You're gonna feel something, You have to feel something, pain, betrayal, longing, anger, and there's often this quiet period that really demands we sit with ourselves and let ourselves be confronted with really big emotional questions that kind of suck to answer, but questions like who am outside of this relationship? What do I do with my evenings now? Why didn't this work out? Well? Happens if I don't find somebody? Better? What happens if I don't find somebody? Period? And for you know, a period of time, we don't know the answer to those questions. We don't know who we are outside of a relationship. We don't know for certain if we're going to be okay, if we're going to find somebody we like as much as that last person. So sometimes it's a lot easier to turn all of that inward focus outwards because it doesn't require you to answer any of those questions. Being in a relationship answers those questions for you. Who am I outside of this relationship? Doesn't matter. I've got this new relationship. What do I do with my evenings now doesn't matter. I've got this person, I spend it with them. You know why didn't it work out? Well, this relationship is working out. Will I ever find somebody better? Well, look, I just did. Relationships give you a role. They give you something to they give you answers, they give you something to pour your energy into. They give you a guaranteed plan, a guaranteed sense of self worth, and a sense that you've been picked. And I get it. It's absolutely terrifying when you have that designated relationship free time, especially if it's the first time in your life you've truly been single. You're not used to spending this time focusing on you and what you actually want in life, and so a relationship becomes a way of filling those holes or those gaps in your self confidence and your self esteem. There's this whole theory about this from the nineties which basically says, I think it's called sociomedia theory, socioma sociomedia, sociomedia theory. Sorry I tripped over my words there, but it essentially says that when somebody really ties their sense of self worth to external things. The loss of such external things can feel much more painful than if you are somebody who ties your worth to internal things. And the only way you can tie your worth to internal things is if you do the work, and is if you take those moments of being single or not even being single, being alone, being scared, being unsure, and you show yourself you are capable of handling it yourself again. If your self esteem is deeply tied to being accepted and chosen, and you don't have that additional part of you that says it's okay, we'll be fine if we're not chosen, because we'll have ourselves. A breakup is like an emotional emergency. It is like an emotional collapse. It's like catastrophe. And so sometimes your brain is going to look for the easiest solution to that, and what is the easiest band aid solution fix Find somebody else, Find somebody else who's going to quickly fill that whole ride up, who's going to make you feel validated again, make you feel safe again, make you feel chosen again. That is why we find ourselves in this pattern. There's something else going on here, though, something I would say is a little bit more positive, and it comes down to the excitement and novelty we love when we fall in love with people, that we get addicted to when we meet new people. So we're going to dive into that explanation and so much more after this shortbreak. Okay, so far we've talked about relationship hopping as something that is driven by fear, insecurity, avoidance, that kind of stuff. There is another version of the story that is completely different. Sometimes people relationship hop because falling in love feels incredible and that is the state that they want to be in forever. Sometimes people are serial alchemists because they are chasing that very specific experience, the experience, the temporary and yet deeply addictive experience of falling in love. Let's be real, Like the early stages of any relationship is the best. Like it's the best. It's one of the best feelings in the world. When you like are like on date three or four, maybe five with like somebody you're really into and it's all anticipation and obsession and everything is new and there's like this little secret, like this relationship just feels like this little private thing between you and the other person. You know, your whole world becomes like what am I going to see this person next? I wonder what they're thinking about me, Like feeling giddy, feeling excited for the future, and the passion, and that high is biological. It's meant to drive us to connect with people and to have those early moments of deep bonding that will, you know, kind of push us to long term commitment. It's meant to give us like it's no mistake and it's no accident that the early days of a relationship create this bonding high. There was a study in two thousand and five done on this from researchers in New Jersey who basically scan the brains of seventeen participants who were all loved up, and then asked them to look at a photograph of the person they were really in love with or just recently had started really dating or falling for, and then to look at a person like a photo of just somebody random. And what they found was that there was these whole segments of their brain that just showed in crazy activity levels. It was like the right ventral area and I think like the right coordinate nucleus like this basically the areas associated with reward and motivation, not like that's where love is in your brain. It's in reward, and it's in those reward and motivational areas. Essentially, your brain is feeling so many positive things and is like, let's chase that further and is really activating those systems in your brain. They're going to want you to do that. As you fall in love, you're also being flooded with vasapressin, oxytocin, all these things that chemically feel great make you feel incredible dopamine as well. Dopamine plays a huge role on this process, and it plays a huge role in motivating you to want to see the more, to feel good in their presence, to feel like the highs of uncertainty and unpredictability that is honestly so enthralling about the start of a relationship, like is this going to work out? Is this person going to be the one? Your whole system, the whole system of romantic love is meant to be addictive, it's meant to be motivational, it's meant to really run on this heightened level of reward. I know that doesn't sound romantic, but it does explain serial monogamy really well. New love is so addictive because it puts us into this powerful state of emotional intensity, of obsessional thinking, of heightened attention. And if that reward state becomes one of the main ways that someone feels excited about life, purposeful, somebody feels emotionally switched on for the first time or in a long time, it makes sense that they would chase that feeling again and again and again, like the feeling of winning, like the feeling of getting drunk, like the feeling of getting high. However, if slash when the relationship ends, the crash is profound. It is deeply profound if they have been chasing relationship after relationship, And what is the only way to not feel the crash, to not feel the hangover is to get drunk again, is to get high on love again. So what does this do to us biologically emotionally, because may be thinking, like, what's the harm in this? Love feels great because we're meant to experience it as much as possible in our lifetime, which I don't disagree with. You know, it's great for character development. Even if it doesn't work out, least I learn a lesson, like I learn more about myself and then one day the person I'm with, they will be the one. Like, what's the harm in just putting myself on the line in the path of love as much as possible? I think I find that hard to argue with, to be honest, but logically and rationally, you do actually lose a lot when you do not give yourself time to be single and progressing from serious relationship to serious relationship, especially when there is a high degree of desperation and fear and obsession involved, will do things to your character development and will do things to your emotional development. I think the harm is that you don't ever get the chance to figure out who you are, is this new version of you after this previous relationship has ended, and more generally, like, you just never get the chance to figure out who you are alone, and so you will always be if you can't get comfortable being alone, you will always be at the mercy of somebody who could leave you. And I don't just mean a partner, I mean friends, I mean family members, I mean anyone. You never developed that sense of like, I can handle this. I know myself, I know I am capable. I can rely on myself. That is your backbone. Everybody needs that because at any point, you know, tragedy happens, life happens. If you never feel comfortable being by yourself, when you inevitably perhaps the universe of the world forces you to be by yourself, you will look around and have no coping strategies and have no idea how to be here and be there in that moment. I think it's that cost, the cost of our independence, that is the greatest, because those stretches of life where you are alone is what allows you to actively consider You're just you. You don't have to think about anybody else's needs, anybody else's preferences or routines. You're not responsible for anybody else's emotions. You're just responsible for you. And in those periods is where you are really able to articulate, what do I want out of my one shot at life? What do I want out of my time here? What do I really like doing? What does my true and authentic daily flow look like? And maybe you answer that question and go, what I really want out of my one true life is to find someone to be amazing and you go about that, But how will you know if you do not? At some stage you know, stop letting your own frequency be constantly interrup somebody else's and people who don't always stay for very long relationships. You know, whether you like it or not. They will shape your daily life. They will shape your identity, They will shape even your future imagination. They will especially shape your thoughts. I always think about this one of the two times you think about somebody or other people the most when you are falling in love with them, or when you are falling out of love with them, or when you are grieving them. If you are always in one of those two states, falling in love breaking up, falling in love breaking up, the mental real estate becomes very crowded, and the mental real estate you have left for yourself becomes very limited. Those thoughts that you have concerning your own identity and your own needs are not selfish. They are absolutely essential for self development, absolutely essential for your ability to articulate your wants and needs. And so if you find, because it's not always going to be for everybody, but if you find being in a relationship stops you from being able to prioritize that, and you are constantly in relationships the time when the time comes that you are not in a relationship, when the time comes when you have to really look in the mirror and be like, wait, what do I want? You may find it really hard to answer that question. Another thing that can happen over time is that you don't always get the chance to actually consolidate relation or learning. So maybe again you answer that question, what do I want out of my life, and it's to be in love. Being in a relationship constantly probably won't actually help you in that either. Most people understand relationships through experiences. Right you date, you make mistakes, You notice what you do and don't like, what you avoid, what you repeat. Maybe you break up, maybe you don't, but you have to learn something. If you do breakup, you have to you get something from that. And the research shows that learning in this case, or learning of any kind, tends to crystallize and become more substantial and impactful when there is a poor between the next lesson, when you can reflect without immediately being swept up in the emotional demands or cognitive demands of something new. I think one of the most valuable things you can do in the aftermath of a relationship is like the painful work of self reflection, And I think that is a way of honoring the relationship even if it didn't work out. I think it also really helps you close the story of the relationship by acknowledging like and doing this work and acknowledging like, yes, this really hurt. I really didn't want it to end this way. I wish it it ended differently, but it didn't. And this is why sometimes you don't get a future. You get a lesson and that can be just as valuable if you take time to absorb it without the pause. And I'm sorry, I'm really laboring on this point, but without the pause, you still move forward, but you don't always integrate any of that learning into your next relationship. And that is where unhealthy patterns that cause marital breakdowns, divorce, deep betrayal. That's where they come from the repetition of unhealthy patterns that are never dealt with. So when do we know it's time to break the pattern? When can we look in the mirror and be like, Ooh, I think I need a break from dating. I think this may be me. I would say, when you realize that dating stops being about connection and fun and starts being about urgency and self confidence, then you need to take a step back. When you notice that you are really just going on dates with anyone, You are letting dating a take over your life. When your type always ends up leading to the same ending, it's time to take a break. I think the biggest indicator, though, is when you don't even know what you want anymore. You're just doing it, You're just dating without intention. You feel a little bit lost with it, you feel equally lost without it. There's like this gap that needs to be filled, and you just feel like I cannot sit still until I have somebody. I think that is the biggest sign in those moments. That is when you need to do a dating detox. I've spoken about this so often on the podcast before. I'm so sorry if you are like, oh God, can she be quiet about this? But it's because it is so helpful literally saying to yourself the same way you do an alcohol detox, the same way you may do a detox to quit smoking. If you literally just give yourself six months and say dating is not on the table in the slightest during this period, and I'll come back to it later, but I really I don't have to think about it for this period of time. You will come back with such a better understanding of what you want, Like I cannot speak highly enough of taking some clear, designated time away from dating to really address like if love is something that I obviously need, we all need it. If love and monogamy in the future something I want, what will that look like for me? And how will I know when I have it? And how will I know when my needs are not being fulfilled? I just think that at dating detox and six months, I don't know, it's just the best. It resets like your emotional biome, Like it returns you to this stable, secure point, you know how I always think about it. It's like your frequency is not being constantly interrupted, so you are able to very clearly signal to others and signal to yourself what you want. And if you are finding that you relate to any of this, I think this is the easiest way to go about it. Take relationships off the table, deal with the discomfort, and it will be uncomfortable, but know that, like this is an investment in your future self, in yourself right now and in any relationship you find yourself in in the future, because you're gonna come into it with so much more clarity and a much clearer idea of what you want and how you go about me relationships work. I think it doesn't mean breaking off of like you don't have to stop dating forever, and you're not doing this as punishment, right, You're not punishing yourself. I should have said that very clearly upfront. This is like the freedom to just let your mind relax without constantly having this like hyper vigilance towards you know, romantic interest, without constantly having this like part of your brain that has switched on to other people and switched on to like, who am I going to date next? It's not forever, It's just for a moment, and I think it can be incredibly powerful for literally anybody. So I hope you enjoyed this episode. I hope you learned something about relationship hopping and serial monogamy. I'm sorry I sound so sick in this episode. I feel like I've been saying that every single episode recently, So I really appreciate your patience with whatever this nasal congestion thing is ever since I moved to London. Make sure that you are following us on Instagram, that psychology podcast on substack if you want to read some article versions to do with the psychology of your twenties, straight into your inbox, or if you want to hear our studies of the week to finish the year so much smarter, so much more informed. You can also now watch the podcast on Netflix. I feel like I've been talking about this for ages, but if you are in Canada, oh, actually I should say Canada, the US, UK, Australia, Southeast Asia. It's available everywhere, well not everywhere, but in everywhere in those places as of right now. So go and watch it. Make sure to tag us in your stories or if you post anything about it. I would love to see it. I appreciate you making it to the end. Leave a little heart emoji if you down below, if you're listening on Spotify, and if you are still here, thank you for listening. Thank you as always to our researcher Libby Colbert for her contributions to this episode. And until next time, Be safe, be kind, especially if you relate to this EPO sord. Be very gentle with yourself. We will talk very very soon.