#7 Julia

Hello, Happy birthday, birthday girl. Are you going out for 0:00:06.280 --> 0:00:07.560 dinner tonight with Rick or anything? 0:00:07.840 --> 0:00:08.080 What? 0:00:08.280 --> 0:00:11.320 It's not my birthday for another seven months? 0:00:13.200 --> 0:00:14.960 You hang on a second, hang on, I'm. 0:00:14.760 --> 0:00:16.919 Hanging I'm hanging out in traffic, so it's. 0:00:16.720 --> 0:00:17.360 Perfect for you. 0:00:17.600 --> 0:00:21.160 According to my calendar alert, it is your birthday, are. 0:00:21.079 --> 0:00:26.479 You Because I don't know how many times I'm gonna 0:00:26.480 --> 0:00:28.000 say it's not my birthday, and how many times you're 0:00:28.000 --> 0:00:29.960 going to repeat that it is my birthday. 0:00:31.160 --> 0:00:31.760 This year you. 0:00:31.760 --> 0:00:34.400 Didn't Actually, this year, you forgot to call me on 0:00:34.440 --> 0:00:39.080 my birthday, not even an email nothing. 0:00:40.840 --> 0:00:43.519 Okay, okay, what about that time you got me an 0:00:43.560 --> 0:00:48.440 ice cream cake for my birthday knowing I'm lactose sensitive. 0:00:49.840 --> 0:00:52.280 Do you remember the man at the roller ring kept 0:00:52.280 --> 0:00:53.800 on knocking on the bathroom door? 0:01:00.000 --> 0:01:00.840 Oh good? 0:01:01.480 --> 0:01:02.360 Are you kidding me? 0:01:07.560 --> 0:01:12.080 From Gimblet Media, I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is Heavyweight 0:01:12.680 --> 0:01:29.319 today's episode. Julia. Julia is a journalist and she's endlessly 0:01:29.400 --> 0:01:33.160 curious about the world around her. Once on assignment for 0:01:33.200 --> 0:01:36.760 The New York Times, she investigated the benefits of bacteria, 0:01:37.280 --> 0:01:39.919 and as a part of her research, she didn't bathe 0:01:39.959 --> 0:01:43.640 for a month. She's done political stories too, where she's 0:01:43.720 --> 0:01:47.640 kept after a source or a story for years, which 0:01:47.680 --> 0:01:50.440 is what makes her reluctance to seek out the answer 0:01:50.800 --> 0:01:53.200 to a question that's been dogging her for over two 0:01:53.280 --> 0:01:55.520 decades all the more curious. 0:01:56.200 --> 0:01:59.040 I think the story begins on a Monday. I'm pretty 0:01:59.080 --> 0:02:02.120 sure it's a Monday, and I was fourteen years old. 0:02:02.840 --> 0:02:05.880 This is Julia, and the question she can't stop thinking 0:02:05.880 --> 0:02:09.560 about revolves around a moment from her own life. It 0:02:09.600 --> 0:02:12.560 all began twenty one years ago in the eighth grade 0:02:12.960 --> 0:02:15.920 at one of the fanciest all girls schools in Montreal. 0:02:17.240 --> 0:02:21.080 I remember wearing my itchy green kilt. 0:02:22.680 --> 0:02:25.520 You have to wear a uniform there, yes, okay. 0:02:25.240 --> 0:02:29.320 That's sort of a puke green uniform with a button 0:02:29.360 --> 0:02:31.720 down white shirt, and on Mondays we had to wear ties. 0:02:32.600 --> 0:02:33.800 We also had bloomers. 0:02:34.120 --> 0:02:36.200 I don't think I ever understood what bloomers were. 0:02:36.520 --> 0:02:41.280 It was just sort of like a balloon with holes 0:02:41.280 --> 0:02:41.880 in the bottom. 0:02:42.320 --> 0:02:47.160 And were they ruffled? No, cursed with a lifelong inability 0:02:47.200 --> 0:02:52.720 to distinguish between bloomers, couloats, pantelats, pantaloons, drawers, and even knickerbockers. 0:02:53.000 --> 0:02:55.600 I was glad for the opportunity to finally sort it 0:02:55.639 --> 0:02:58.320 all out the shape of it, but that's not why 0:02:58.360 --> 0:03:02.080 we're here. So after a fifteen minutes of inquiry, I 0:03:02.120 --> 0:03:06.080 was ready to move on. Okay, sorry, yes, I'll go 0:03:06.080 --> 0:03:08.240 go on. 0:03:09.320 --> 0:03:13.280 As I left morning assembly on Monday and walked into homeroom, 0:03:14.440 --> 0:03:21.560 I looked for my desk and I stopped and looked 0:03:21.560 --> 0:03:26.520 around and it was missing. My desk was gone, and 0:03:27.080 --> 0:03:28.200 that was where it started. 0:03:35.160 --> 0:03:37.840 The desk had been hidden by her classmates, and that 0:03:38.000 --> 0:03:41.400 was just the beginning. Without warning, the girl she'd been 0:03:41.400 --> 0:03:45.080 friends with since third grade completely froze her out, and 0:03:45.160 --> 0:03:49.000 Julia had no clue why. To top it off, her 0:03:49.040 --> 0:03:52.440 best friend was the ringleader, the. 0:03:53.160 --> 0:03:56.320 Girl who used to be my best friend. I guess 0:03:56.360 --> 0:03:58.440 we can give her a name. Let's call her Jane. 0:03:59.440 --> 0:04:02.440 It was just rae. Knowing that she and I had 0:04:02.520 --> 0:04:05.880 hung out at my house and all of the secrets 0:04:05.920 --> 0:04:08.360 music exchanged and all of the fun we'd had, and 0:04:08.400 --> 0:04:13.280 then seeing how she was being now it just it 0:04:13.320 --> 0:04:20.760 was a bit surreal. But yeah. 0:04:21.400 --> 0:04:24.240 Then what started happening was every time she walked into 0:04:24.279 --> 0:04:27.359 the classroom, Julia noticed that the girls would drop what 0:04:27.400 --> 0:04:31.080 they were doing and study her. If she so much 0:04:31.160 --> 0:04:35.040 as scratched her nose or sniffled, they'd furiously take notes. 0:04:35.720 --> 0:04:38.839 It seemed like everyone was collaborating on some big project 0:04:39.320 --> 0:04:43.520 that she knew nothing about. The notes were collected by Jane, 0:04:43.800 --> 0:04:46.800 who buried them in her desk. The girls kept at 0:04:46.839 --> 0:04:51.760 it day after day until finally Julia reached her breaking point. 0:04:52.480 --> 0:04:55.400 She gathered up her courage, and, like the good reporters 0:04:55.440 --> 0:04:58.440 she'd eventually become, decided to investigate. 0:04:58.920 --> 0:05:03.920 I eventually snuck into home room one day during recess. 0:05:03.960 --> 0:05:08.920 It was empty, and I searched Jane's desk, and there 0:05:08.920 --> 0:05:14.760 at the bottom I found a nicely bound document with 0:05:14.800 --> 0:05:17.720 a cover page. And I picked it up and read it, 0:05:18.200 --> 0:05:22.200 and it said one hundred reasons why we hate Julia. 0:05:25.160 --> 0:05:29.680 In my memory, this document I'm holding is one hundred 0:05:29.680 --> 0:05:33.480 pages long, but I'm sure it was only ten. And 0:05:33.560 --> 0:05:40.680 I opened it and inside I read about myself. Everything 0:05:40.839 --> 0:05:44.960 was something about me that they hated. I hate the 0:05:44.960 --> 0:05:49.880 way she walks, I hate the sound of her voice, 0:05:50.360 --> 0:05:51.240 I hate her face. 0:06:00.760 --> 0:06:05.320 After that, Julia started skipping school. Eventually, she told her 0:06:05.320 --> 0:06:08.400 parents what was going on, and they contacted the administration, 0:06:08.920 --> 0:06:13.360 but the bullying continued. Ultimately, her parents decided that the 0:06:13.360 --> 0:06:15.719 only solution was to send her to a new school, 0:06:16.120 --> 0:06:17.960 but Julia still had a few weeks left at the 0:06:18.000 --> 0:06:19.080 old one. 0:06:19.120 --> 0:06:23.200 I became a double agent. I pretended that I was 0:06:23.279 --> 0:06:28.120 coming back the following year, and I didn't tell anyone 0:06:28.200 --> 0:06:31.039 I was changing schools because I had no friends left 0:06:31.040 --> 0:06:31.400 to tell. 0:06:33.440 --> 0:06:37.000 The school year ended and her new life began, But 0:06:37.080 --> 0:06:40.120 because her new school was so close to the old one, 0:06:40.240 --> 0:06:43.120 Julia lived in constant fear that her old life would 0:06:43.160 --> 0:06:46.680 find her. Every day, she'd map her route to and 0:06:46.760 --> 0:06:50.479 from school, carefully avoiding the streets her old friends lived on, 0:06:51.040 --> 0:06:53.560 the coffee shops they hung out at, and for the 0:06:53.560 --> 0:06:57.159 most part, it worked. For those first few weeks at 0:06:57.200 --> 0:06:59.720 her new school, she managed to hide in plain sight. 0:07:00.400 --> 0:07:02.719 She was starting to feel like things would be okay. 0:07:04.040 --> 0:07:07.960 But then one day after school, Julia was upstairs in 0:07:08.000 --> 0:07:12.600 the den doing homework and the doorbell rang. She went 0:07:12.640 --> 0:07:15.160 to her parents' bedroom window and looked down at the 0:07:15.200 --> 0:07:19.280 doorstep and saw standing there her former best friend Jane, 0:07:20.040 --> 0:07:21.920 along with a few of her old classmates. 0:07:22.480 --> 0:07:24.480 I hit the ground as if someone was shelling the 0:07:24.520 --> 0:07:28.640 second floor windows. I was in a state of total panic, 0:07:28.880 --> 0:07:33.360 and I saw them in my mind's eye, there on 0:07:33.400 --> 0:07:36.240 the front steps, waiting for someone to answer the door, 0:07:37.480 --> 0:07:41.880 and I was just on the ground, trying to breathe, 0:07:42.000 --> 0:07:46.520 and they rang the doorbell again and I waited. 0:07:52.440 --> 0:07:57.400 Eventually they left. And this is the moment that Julia 0:07:57.440 --> 0:08:01.360 has fixated on for over twenty years. Why had the 0:08:01.400 --> 0:08:04.600 girls shown up at her door? And what did they want? 0:08:05.520 --> 0:08:08.320 Maybe they'd shown up to bully her, but maybe they'd 0:08:08.320 --> 0:08:11.320 had a change of heart, realized how mean they'd been, 0:08:11.640 --> 0:08:15.720 and were there to apologize. Whatever the case, Julia was 0:08:15.760 --> 0:08:18.760 too scared to open the door and find out, and 0:08:18.840 --> 0:08:22.200 that decision to not go downstairs and face the girls 0:08:22.200 --> 0:08:26.440 who tormented her still haunts Julia. Even listening to her 0:08:26.480 --> 0:08:29.520 talk about it all these years later, it still feels raw. 0:08:30.120 --> 0:08:34.840 I'm thirty five now, and that day has become one 0:08:34.840 --> 0:08:42.040 of my only regrets because the memory of my weakness 0:08:43.600 --> 0:08:48.280 sometimes supersedes all of the strong things I've done since then, 0:08:49.200 --> 0:08:50.400 and it makes me feel weak. 0:08:53.040 --> 0:08:56.920 Even though you were you were just a child, I 0:08:56.960 --> 0:08:57.600 was fourteen. 0:08:58.600 --> 0:09:02.320 I think it's the memory of that fear still somewhere 0:09:03.240 --> 0:09:07.320 in my physiology. It makes me fearful when I think 0:09:07.320 --> 0:09:10.520 of it. I just wish I'd gone down there. I 0:09:10.559 --> 0:09:15.080 wish I'd had the guts. 0:09:18.679 --> 0:09:20.600 What do you think has stopped you up until now 0:09:20.640 --> 0:09:24.040 from just posing the question, you know, like just finding 0:09:24.080 --> 0:09:27.160 the girls and just asking them why they were there 0:09:27.160 --> 0:09:27.560 that day. 0:09:29.400 --> 0:09:33.280 I'm afraid to find out what I did to bring 0:09:33.920 --> 0:09:41.320 on the bullying, because it's very possible that I was bad. 0:09:45.400 --> 0:09:47.600 I think, deep down, I don't really know what was wrong. 0:09:47.720 --> 0:09:49.160 I don't know what was wrong with me, and I 0:09:49.160 --> 0:09:50.520 don't want to know what was wrong with me. 0:09:52.600 --> 0:09:56.559 I mean, it feels like you're being really hard on yourself, 0:09:56.840 --> 0:10:01.640 or being hard on this little kid basically, you know, like, 0:10:01.679 --> 0:10:03.880 do you look at photographs of yourself at that age 0:10:06.679 --> 0:10:09.400 in try not too well? I think you'd be surprised 0:10:09.440 --> 0:10:12.480 by like I mean, I have memories of being that 0:10:12.559 --> 0:10:15.240 age where I thought like I was at weddings and 0:10:15.280 --> 0:10:17.319 I thought I was like flirting with adult women and 0:10:17.320 --> 0:10:19.199 stuff like that. And I look at pictures of myself 0:10:19.200 --> 0:10:21.640 and I look like a cabbage patched all. 0:10:23.200 --> 0:10:23.480 You know. 0:10:23.760 --> 0:10:26.440 I think I probably looked like the ten men because 0:10:26.440 --> 0:10:29.400 I had a full set of braces, and then after 0:10:29.440 --> 0:10:32.079 I graduated from my braces, I immediately went to headgear 0:10:32.120 --> 0:10:34.199 neck gear combo. I don't know if you've ever had that. 0:10:34.240 --> 0:10:36.560 But I've only seen them on TV sitcoms. 0:10:37.000 --> 0:10:41.680 So combine that with my glasses, it was a sad 0:10:41.679 --> 0:10:42.520 state of affairs. 0:10:43.480 --> 0:10:46.840 As soon as she graduated high school, Julia left Montreal 0:10:47.400 --> 0:10:47.880 for good. 0:10:48.480 --> 0:10:51.000 Depending on how you know the outcome of that conversation, 0:10:51.120 --> 0:10:57.000 I might have chosen not to leave Montreal. When I'm 0:10:57.040 --> 0:11:00.840 in Montreal once a year, I avoid the neighborhood I 0:11:00.880 --> 0:11:03.400 grew up in where all of this went down, for 0:11:03.440 --> 0:11:08.200 the most part, and those girls are long gone. I mean, 0:11:08.240 --> 0:11:10.920 we're all grown ass women now with careers and jobs 0:11:10.920 --> 0:11:16.480 and kids. And here I am avoiding friends of friends 0:11:16.480 --> 0:11:19.559 on Facebook because I don't want any of those girls 0:11:19.559 --> 0:11:22.199 to know what's going on with my life. 0:11:22.440 --> 0:11:24.760 Do you feel like, had you answered the door and 0:11:24.800 --> 0:11:28.559 they had apologized to you, that that would have changed 0:11:28.600 --> 0:11:31.280 your life in some way, that it would have changed 0:11:31.320 --> 0:11:37.559 your relationship with your past and the city and these friends. 0:11:38.480 --> 0:11:43.000 I think it might have, but I'll never know what 0:11:43.040 --> 0:11:45.600 they wanted to say to me because I didn't answer 0:11:45.640 --> 0:11:45.960 the door. 0:11:47.400 --> 0:11:49.640 It's scary to return to the moment you've spent your 0:11:49.679 --> 0:11:53.240 whole life running from. So when I gently suggest that 0:11:53.320 --> 0:11:55.120 you try to find out why they were at the 0:11:55.160 --> 0:11:58.839 door that day, Julius suggests that maybe the past to 0:11:59.080 --> 0:11:59.920 just stay in the past. 0:12:02.280 --> 0:12:05.480 You know, we move on with our lives. We you know, 0:12:05.679 --> 0:12:11.520 we move on, and it's another thing to open up. 0:12:11.760 --> 0:12:12.960 You know that Pandora's Box. 0:12:13.000 --> 0:12:17.360 Again, Even the language that you're using about fear of 0:12:17.400 --> 0:12:20.120 opening up that Pandora's box, it is so similar to 0:12:20.160 --> 0:12:23.080 the language that you used in describing like fear of 0:12:23.120 --> 0:12:23.959 opening that door. 0:12:26.360 --> 0:12:28.440 So what you're saying is I should really just finish 0:12:28.480 --> 0:12:28.840 the job. 0:12:31.480 --> 0:12:56.680 I think so after the break opening Pandora's Box, in 0:12:56.720 --> 0:12:59.880 spite of her initial trepidation, once Juliet decided to find 0:12:59.880 --> 0:13:02.080 out why the girls came to her door that day, 0:13:02.520 --> 0:13:06.359 she was all in. Watching her take it on was impressive. 0:13:07.120 --> 0:13:09.800 Julia went back to Montreal and reached out to her 0:13:09.840 --> 0:13:12.840 former best friend Jane, who agreed to meet with her 0:13:13.040 --> 0:13:16.600 but said she didn't remember anything. And so, for the 0:13:16.600 --> 0:13:19.880 first time since eighth grade, Julia returned to her former 0:13:19.960 --> 0:13:22.960 school to go through the yearbook and find the names 0:13:23.000 --> 0:13:26.960 of her old classmates. And then she started searching. 0:13:27.520 --> 0:13:35.319 I reached out to probably twelve girls from from my grade. Yeah, 0:13:36.160 --> 0:13:39.839 and in my worst moments, I imagine that none of 0:13:39.880 --> 0:13:41.560 them were going to write back, and it was sort 0:13:41.600 --> 0:13:45.400 of going to feel like, you know, I was on 0:13:45.400 --> 0:13:49.120 the outside of the group again, you know, and that 0:13:49.160 --> 0:13:51.560 the social dynamics I remembered from the eighth grade were 0:13:51.600 --> 0:13:54.040 still in play and all that. But then the responses 0:13:54.080 --> 0:13:55.080 started to trickle in. 0:13:58.240 --> 0:14:00.760 Hello, Hello, Hello, Yes, this is Julia. 0:14:01.040 --> 0:14:03.479 Julia logged hours and hours of interviews. 0:14:03.760 --> 0:14:06.760 Cool and rang my doorbell. I thought you might have 0:14:06.800 --> 0:14:07.400 been one of them. 0:14:07.480 --> 0:14:09.320 I don't think so. Do you remember anything about that? 0:14:09.720 --> 0:14:10.240 Was I there? 0:14:10.679 --> 0:14:13.520 No? Oh boy, I don't remember much about high school. 0:14:14.120 --> 0:14:17.640 I remember one time you were hiding in a bathroom stall. 0:14:18.240 --> 0:14:21.040 But just like Jane, not a single person said they 0:14:21.040 --> 0:14:22.960 could remember showing up at her door that day. 0:14:23.000 --> 0:14:25.640 Oh yeah, well, I honestly don't remember doing that. 0:14:25.800 --> 0:14:26.280 I don't. 0:14:26.600 --> 0:14:28.360 I don't, I don't. 0:14:28.400 --> 0:14:29.440 I'm sorry, I don't. 0:14:29.440 --> 0:14:30.600 I don't remember anything. 0:14:31.120 --> 0:14:33.800 I just don't remember it, promised you. I have no 0:14:34.040 --> 0:14:35.440 recollection of this. 0:14:36.800 --> 0:14:37.400 I'm sorry. 0:14:38.240 --> 0:14:38.720 Sorry. 0:14:40.920 --> 0:14:43.720 Well, what each of them did remember was their own pain. 0:14:44.440 --> 0:14:46.560 There'd been a lot of bullying that year, and no 0:14:46.640 --> 0:14:50.240 one felt safe. Julia heard about one girl who had 0:14:50.280 --> 0:14:53.280 found her desk filled with meticulously cut out images from 0:14:53.320 --> 0:14:57.320 porn magazines. Another girl remembered someone spreading rumors that she 0:14:57.400 --> 0:15:01.040 had aids. I hated that place, said one. It's all 0:15:01.080 --> 0:15:04.360 a big fog of chaos, said another, A dark cloud 0:15:04.400 --> 0:15:07.400 over the class. You never knew who you could trust. 0:15:07.760 --> 0:15:11.960 We were awful, awful little girls. The more Julia heard 0:15:12.000 --> 0:15:14.800 about it, it started to sound like a Stephen King novel, 0:15:15.240 --> 0:15:17.600 and not one of those cutesy ones about clowns or 0:15:17.760 --> 0:15:26.520 talking cars. In almost every conversation, one name kept coming 0:15:26.600 --> 0:15:29.040 up as the person who had it the worst. Even 0:15:29.120 --> 0:15:33.960 Julia acknowledged it. The name was Sarah Taba. Sarah had 0:15:33.960 --> 0:15:36.560 the misfortune of being the only eighth grader who was 0:15:36.600 --> 0:15:40.000 slightly overweight, and as such she was always kept at 0:15:40.040 --> 0:15:43.600 a distance in high school. I was also someone who 0:15:43.680 --> 0:15:47.360 existed on the margins, so I understand how oftentimes kids 0:15:47.400 --> 0:15:50.520 like me, kids like Sarah Taba, become the eyes and 0:15:50.640 --> 0:15:55.200 ears of the school, fidgety, uncomfortable witnesses, forced to watch 0:15:55.240 --> 0:15:58.120 from the wings. I'm reminded of this all the time 0:15:58.160 --> 0:16:00.160 with the friends I went to high school with who 0:16:00.160 --> 0:16:03.600 were more popular than me. Remember the time Robert Ciolick 0:16:03.640 --> 0:16:06.120 wore a three piece suit to school. I ask the 0:16:06.160 --> 0:16:09.360 time Madame Rebert slammed the classroom door so hard the 0:16:09.400 --> 0:16:12.400 clock fell off the wall, the day Sharon Wiener got 0:16:12.440 --> 0:16:16.600 suspended for leaving the schoolyard during recess. Of course they 0:16:16.640 --> 0:16:20.040 don't they were living their lives. But I was on 0:16:20.120 --> 0:16:24.200 the sidelines taking it all in, remembering. 0:16:28.960 --> 0:16:33.000 Hello, Hi, Sarah, Hi, it's been a really long time. 0:16:33.240 --> 0:16:37.480 Yeah it yes, it has. 0:16:39.040 --> 0:16:42.440 Having all these conversations made Julia think about Sarah and 0:16:42.480 --> 0:16:45.320 what she might remember. But when she asked her if 0:16:45.320 --> 0:16:47.880 she had any recollection about the day those girls showed 0:16:47.920 --> 0:16:50.520 up at her door, Sarah couldn't remember anything. 0:16:51.400 --> 0:16:52.960 The first thing I thought of when he said a 0:16:52.960 --> 0:16:55.240 group of girls right in the doorbell, I immediately thought 0:16:55.240 --> 0:16:58.320 it would be a bad experience, Like it wasn't people 0:16:58.320 --> 0:17:01.800 coming looking for you to be like we miss you? 0:17:01.840 --> 0:17:02.440 Where are you? 0:17:03.720 --> 0:17:04.440 Yeah? 0:17:04.920 --> 0:17:07.600 Grade eight was a bad year at that schirl. Either 0:17:07.640 --> 0:17:11.040 you were being bullied and kicked on or you had 0:17:11.040 --> 0:17:13.040 to turn around and become the bully. 0:17:14.400 --> 0:17:18.840 Yeah, maybe there was something toxic, something dark. 0:17:19.640 --> 0:17:21.959 I think normal bullying. If there's such a thing as 0:17:22.000 --> 0:17:26.520 normal bullying, you can identify the perpetrator and the victim 0:17:26.600 --> 0:17:31.240 and the like. But it was just so pervasive. 0:17:32.840 --> 0:17:36.879 Do you remember the day that you realize that I 0:17:36.960 --> 0:17:37.320 was gone. 0:17:38.320 --> 0:17:43.440 I don't, actually, no, I remember feeling like you were 0:17:43.480 --> 0:17:44.520 just sad all the time. 0:17:45.359 --> 0:17:46.720 Remember you being sad too? 0:17:47.480 --> 0:17:49.120 Yeah? 0:17:49.520 --> 0:17:54.280 One thing I remember people would call you tubby taba. 0:17:57.119 --> 0:18:01.760 Doesn't surprise me. Yeah, I remember a lot of stuff 0:18:01.760 --> 0:18:10.600 like that. I can't help but think that our grades 0:18:10.680 --> 0:18:18.120 behavior had impacts on the staff. What do you mean, well, 0:18:19.760 --> 0:18:23.719 I actually I'm assuming you knew this, but maybe you didn't. 0:18:23.720 --> 0:18:26.000 But miss McDonald killed herself the following year. 0:18:29.680 --> 0:18:31.160 Yeah. 0:18:31.280 --> 0:18:35.520 Miss McDonald was Julia's favorite teacher and Sarah's too. Miss 0:18:35.600 --> 0:18:38.240 McDonald had gone to the school as a student and 0:18:38.320 --> 0:18:41.760 later returned to teach biology. She was the fun teacher 0:18:42.080 --> 0:18:43.359 who wore frog ear rings. 0:18:44.520 --> 0:18:47.800 You think that there was something to do with what 0:18:47.960 --> 0:18:53.200 was happening in the school that caused her to commit suicide. 0:18:55.080 --> 0:18:58.320 I think it had a role in her depression. She 0:18:58.440 --> 0:19:00.920 left right in the end of our grade eight year. 0:19:04.680 --> 0:19:08.800 Because what I knew of her and with her school, 0:19:09.119 --> 0:19:10.800 it was her passion. 0:19:11.359 --> 0:19:12.359 She was an old girl. 0:19:12.440 --> 0:19:15.320 She was there teaching. She wanted to instill this love 0:19:15.359 --> 0:19:20.880 of animals and biology and all of us, and we 0:19:20.880 --> 0:19:24.560 were a bunch of brats. I remember there being a 0:19:24.560 --> 0:19:26.879 lot of associations between that pig that she had on 0:19:26.920 --> 0:19:31.199 top of her TV and her a lot of comments 0:19:31.400 --> 0:19:36.320 about her way. Yeah, had an impact. 0:19:40.080 --> 0:19:43.200 Ms McDonald had been hospitalized over the summer, and when 0:19:43.200 --> 0:19:45.280 she came back in the fall, she was no longer 0:19:45.320 --> 0:19:49.480 the biology teacher, but a substitute. The last period of 0:19:49.520 --> 0:19:52.399 the last day she taught before she killed herself was 0:19:52.440 --> 0:19:56.840 a class called Personal and Religious Education. The students considered 0:19:56.840 --> 0:20:01.320 the class a joke. Sarah was there that day and. 0:20:01.400 --> 0:20:05.600 The grade was just running around and doing everything they 0:20:05.600 --> 0:20:08.480 weren't supposed to do in the classroom. She tried to 0:20:08.480 --> 0:20:10.719 get people to calm down and sit down and pay attention, 0:20:10.880 --> 0:20:13.480 and like, I wasn't even trying to teach us anything. 0:20:13.520 --> 0:20:15.280 I don't even know if there was any material to 0:20:15.359 --> 0:20:19.600 cover that day. And then we showed up at school 0:20:19.600 --> 0:20:22.119 Monday morning to find out that she killed herself one 0:20:22.119 --> 0:20:30.360 for the weekend. Oh my god. She was my. 0:20:31.840 --> 0:20:32.439 Role model. 0:20:32.560 --> 0:20:35.240 She was the person who survived the school despite not 0:20:35.400 --> 0:20:43.879 being the stereotypical prefect or perfect girl. She was just 0:20:44.000 --> 0:20:51.480 this wonderful, round woman who rejuvenated life and as an 0:20:51.480 --> 0:20:55.439 overweight teenager. For me, that was like, okay, so you 0:20:55.520 --> 0:21:01.119 don't have to be perfect to achieve anything. Was my 0:21:01.240 --> 0:21:04.399 role model who the next year killed herself and like 0:21:04.520 --> 0:21:08.760 shattered all my dreams that you can go about living 0:21:08.800 --> 0:21:11.240 your life the way you're living your life in this 0:21:11.359 --> 0:21:16.959 environment and succeed, which made me want to completely change 0:21:17.320 --> 0:21:19.919 my body. The only way that I was going to 0:21:19.920 --> 0:21:23.280 get through this school was to lose a bunch of 0:21:23.320 --> 0:21:26.879 weight to gain the respect of these people that have 0:21:27.320 --> 0:21:33.159 basically disliked me since I was eleven, and I did it. 0:21:34.720 --> 0:21:37.960 Yeah, I've been really over the years, I've wondered about you, 0:21:38.000 --> 0:21:40.000 and then when I looked you up on Facebook, I 0:21:40.040 --> 0:21:42.520 saw pictures of you and I clicked right by them. 0:21:42.560 --> 0:21:45.639 I thought, oh, I have the wrong person. Yeah, because 0:21:45.640 --> 0:21:49.359 you didn't look like yourself, right, So I mean you 0:21:49.720 --> 0:21:52.440 didn't you just stopped eating it sounds like. 0:21:54.880 --> 0:22:03.719 Yeah, yeah, in tenth grade, tenth through eleventh grade, and 0:22:03.760 --> 0:22:07.480 then basically destroyed myself in the process because it's an 0:22:07.520 --> 0:22:22.800 illness that I've been battling for the last twenty years. 0:22:22.840 --> 0:22:26.399 It's amazing what your childhood experiences can push you to 0:22:26.440 --> 0:22:30.960 do so that I definitely remember because that's how I. 0:22:31.000 --> 0:22:33.679 Ended up in the situation. I am now I'm actually 0:22:33.680 --> 0:22:37.280 talking to you from outside of a clinic for treating 0:22:37.280 --> 0:22:40.159 eating disorders. 0:22:39.280 --> 0:22:46.760 So I'm really sorry, Sarah. 0:22:47.480 --> 0:22:49.760 It's not your fault. That's the. 0:22:51.560 --> 0:22:52.879 A sad reality of all of this. 0:22:53.320 --> 0:23:03.840 It's like, yeah, please picture you know, my nerdy looking 0:23:04.280 --> 0:23:06.320 fourteen year old self giving you a big hug. 0:23:07.480 --> 0:23:14.720 Oh thanks. I actually do have so much to go 0:23:14.800 --> 0:23:18.760 because we have to have lunch now, but it was 0:23:19.119 --> 0:23:22.240 nice speaking cute and do keep in touch. 0:23:31.760 --> 0:23:35.520 The conversation had left Julia feeling devastated. The scale of 0:23:35.520 --> 0:23:44.240 her own pain had been altered in the face of Sarah's. 0:23:50.080 --> 0:23:52.760 Later that night, I couldn't stop thinking about Julia and 0:23:52.800 --> 0:23:56.160 Sarah's conversation, and as I turned it around in my head, 0:23:56.720 --> 0:24:00.399 a theory began to form. Mss McDonald had died around 0:24:00.400 --> 0:24:03.240 the start of the school year. Wasn't it possible that 0:24:03.320 --> 0:24:05.560 those girls had shown up at Julia's door to let 0:24:05.600 --> 0:24:08.840 her know. Maybe they'd been worried about the way Julia 0:24:08.920 --> 0:24:11.920 had just disappeared from their school and feared the worst. 0:24:12.840 --> 0:24:15.080 Wasn't it possible the girls had meant good that day? 0:24:15.080 --> 0:24:18.199 That they came to the door, and if so, wouldn't 0:24:18.280 --> 0:24:21.040 knowing that changed the way Julia felt about the past 0:24:21.080 --> 0:24:24.560 twenty years and maybe even changed the way she saw herself. 0:24:25.560 --> 0:24:31.520 So I took this last task upon myself. Hey is 0:24:31.560 --> 0:24:34.440 this Christine, Hey Jennifer, this is I found up all 0:24:34.520 --> 0:24:37.440 the people Julia had already spoken with, and I ran 0:24:37.520 --> 0:24:38.400 my theory by them. 0:24:38.680 --> 0:24:41.560 To be honest, I would love to believe that's what 0:24:41.760 --> 0:24:42.960 their intentions were. 0:24:43.240 --> 0:24:44.720 I can't be sure about anything. 0:24:45.080 --> 0:24:47.120 I can't say, yeah, sure, that's it, because I don't 0:24:47.200 --> 0:24:48.200 have a memory of it. 0:24:48.760 --> 0:24:51.320 Okay, well, thank you, bye, all. 0:24:51.280 --> 0:24:52.200 Right, you have a great night. 0:24:52.960 --> 0:24:56.440 Okay, bye bye bye. 0:24:55.600 --> 0:24:57.960 Okay, okay, okay, take it easy. 0:24:58.040 --> 0:25:11.359 Hi, bye bye. 0:25:14.080 --> 0:25:16.080 There was only one thing left for me to do. 0:25:18.080 --> 0:25:20.439 I just feel like I'm at a loss, Like this 0:25:20.480 --> 0:25:25.440 whole thing started off as me encouraging you to give 0:25:25.440 --> 0:25:28.840 it a try and that it might be helpful in 0:25:28.880 --> 0:25:32.320 some way. And I don't feel like I brought you 0:25:32.359 --> 0:25:37.520 any closer to knowing what happened at the door that day. 0:25:37.560 --> 0:25:38.680 And I just if. 0:25:38.560 --> 0:25:41.520 There's one of us who's disappointed, it certainly isn't me. 0:25:43.760 --> 0:25:46.120 I don't know whether I was emotionally equipped to open 0:25:46.200 --> 0:25:50.439 the door as a fourteen year old. But to me, 0:25:50.520 --> 0:25:56.040 the important part is is that I opened the door. Now, 0:25:57.720 --> 0:26:03.760 I couldn't have I couldn't have confronted that if I 0:26:03.800 --> 0:26:11.879 hadn't literally done what we decided we were going to do, 0:26:12.000 --> 0:26:15.080 if I hadn't had these phone calls and asked these 0:26:15.080 --> 0:26:26.880 hard questions. And I've forgiven that little girl for being 0:26:26.880 --> 0:26:29.959 so frightened. I was so ashamed, I was so regretful, 0:26:31.200 --> 0:26:33.959 And I don't blame myself for being afraid. Then I 0:26:33.960 --> 0:26:40.080 had every right to be. It wasn't rational. And so 0:26:40.560 --> 0:26:43.199 I think the biggest challenge for me and all of 0:26:43.200 --> 0:26:48.520 this was to allow myself to slip back into that 0:26:48.560 --> 0:26:51.000 fourteen year old girl's skin and say, look, you know, 0:26:51.160 --> 0:26:52.840 I get it. 0:26:52.840 --> 0:27:00.360 It's okay, you know, it's okay. 0:27:01.359 --> 0:27:05.439 I'm proud of who I was. Then It's been a 0:27:05.480 --> 0:27:06.679 long time since I could say that. 0:27:11.440 --> 0:27:14.560 And you feel like that's happened like that, that's happened 0:27:14.600 --> 0:27:15.440 in this process. 0:27:16.200 --> 0:27:17.520 Yeah, I do. 0:27:18.760 --> 0:27:20.159 Well that makes me feel better. 0:27:20.920 --> 0:27:23.600 Well, I'm happy to make you feel better, Jonathan. 0:27:23.840 --> 0:27:24.359 I might. 0:27:28.160 --> 0:27:34.400 Ding dong, I'm ding dong. 0:27:34.960 --> 0:27:37.960 Is this the part where I rewrite history and answer 0:27:37.960 --> 0:27:38.240 the door? 0:27:38.320 --> 0:27:44.080 That's right, ding dong, Okay, I'm answering the doorkay open 0:27:44.119 --> 0:27:46.320 the door. What happened to you? 0:27:49.400 --> 0:27:54.760 I change schools and you know why. 0:28:23.280 --> 0:28:29.080 Now that the fern entures returning to its goodwill home, 0:28:32.560 --> 0:28:36.639 now that the last month's rent is scheming with. 0:28:36.840 --> 0:28:40.920 The damaged post, take this moment to dissolve. 0:28:43.480 --> 0:28:45.320 If we meant it, if we. 0:28:45.240 --> 0:28:50.040 Tied, were felt around for far too. 0:28:52.360 --> 0:29:00.560 From things that accidentally talked. Heavyweight is hosted and produced 0:29:00.560 --> 0:29:04.240 by me Jonathan Goldstein along with Chris Neary and Khalila Holt. 0:29:04.320 --> 0:29:07.880 A senior producer is Wendy Dore, editing by Alex Bloomberg 0:29:07.960 --> 0:29:11.960 and Jorge just special thanks to Emily Condon, Maya Goldberg, Safer, 0:29:12.200 --> 0:29:16.160 Lena Chambers, Emily Kennedy, Laura Scott, and the Birthday Girl 0:29:16.640 --> 0:29:20.280 Jackie Cohen. The show was mixed by Hailey Shaw, music 0:29:20.320 --> 0:29:23.440 by Christine Fellows. Additional music credits for this episode can 0:29:23.480 --> 0:29:27.560 be found on our website Gimbletmedia dot com slash Heavyweight. 0:29:28.120 --> 0:29:30.520 Our theme song is by the Weaker Thans courtesy of 0:29:30.600 --> 0:29:33.760 Epitaph Records, and our ad music is by Hailey Shaw. 0:29:34.200 --> 0:29:37.600 Follow us on Twitter at Heavyweight. Next week's episode will 0:29:37.640 --> 0:29:41.320 be our season finale in anticipation of season two. If 0:29:41.320 --> 0:29:44.400 there's a moment from your past where everything changed, send 0:29:44.440 --> 0:29:53.000 us an email to Heavyweight at gimletmedia dot com.