Managing [Holiday] Stress (with Dr. Aditi Narurkar) #33

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<v Jon @wholeparent>Welcome to this special Christmas episode of the Whole Parent Podcast.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>My name is John.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>I'm the host.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>I remember growing up this feeling of palpable excitement.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>On Christmas morning I would rush downstairs.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>The tree would be there the same way it was the night before, except somehow totally different filled with presents.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>I remember seeing all of those packages that weren't there the night before, those things that Santa brought.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>The stockings were filled Somewhere.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>My mom was making coffee probably way too loudly in the kitchen.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>We would all get up, We'd gather around and sit in the living room, a room that we basically never sat in in my childhood.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>There were white couches.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>We were basically banned from the living room as kids, but on Christmas morning you were allowed to be there.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>You'd have your spot.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>The youngest me would pass out the gifts.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>We would all have our little mountains of presents and then we would go around the room opening them in order, youngest to oldest.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>And what I never realized as a kid is how much that whole experience, that memory, probably cost my parents.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>I'm not talking about the financials of it, although that's certainly a consideration.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>I'm talking about the stress that goes into the holidays.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>I now realize, as a parent of four kids myself that no matter how much joy the holidays bring, there is also a level to which they are just overwhelming.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>There is this feeling that you have to make everything perfect, a pressure to create these memories, and then just exhaustion that comes from doing all of that, juggling all of these things.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>You're going to holiday parties.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>You probably are getting backed up at work.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>You're not doing the things that you need to do.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>It is a lot.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>If you're traveling, that's a whole separate thing and it's easy to think that it's just a holiday thing, that we're stressed because of the season.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>But even when the holidays end, when you go to that last Christmas party or New Year's party or whatever, what you realize is that the stress does not go away.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>It's not just for the holidays that every day in the life of most parents is stressful.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>For parents, there has basically never been a more stressful, more overwhelming time to be an adult.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>The demands of work and family collide with the constant noise of our modern world, the endless notifications, the pressure to do more, the nagging feeling that we're never quite doing enough.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>Today, on the Whole Parent Podcast, we are talking about stress.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>We're talking about why life feels so heavy for most parents today and what we can actually do to change our brains to have less stress, to feel less overwhelmed.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>Our guest, Dr Aditi Narukar, is a leading expert on stress and resilience.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>She has graciously agreed to do this podcast so that we, as parents, can understand how our brains are wired to respond to stress and how we can do some simple, science-backed strategies that can reset our brains when it feels like too much.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>Because, even though the holidays amplify stress for many of us, they also give us this invaluable opportunity to pause and reflect.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>What if we can find ways to go into 2025, to move through life with more calm, with more patience, not just during this season, but for the entire year?

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<v Jon @wholeparent>That's what we're talking about today and if you want to parent with less stress, stay right here.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>I am so excited today to welcome Dr Aditi Narukar to the podcast.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>I am so excited to have you on.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>She is the author of the Five Resets.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>She is one of the world's leading experts on stress and a parent herself.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>Welcome to the podcast.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>I am so excited to be here, John.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>You know I am such a fan of your work and watch almost every video you do and bring those parenting tips into my own life, so really a pleasure to join you today.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>Well, it's kind of fun to be on the call with somebody who, like I, take your tips and you take my tips.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>It's fun to have an actual, so you are a follower.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>That's fun, I am an ardent follower.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>I love how you describe things in a really approachable way with the science and making it very accessible, which I really appreciate because that's my language right.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>I talk about the stress response a lot as it relates to parenting.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>What is the stress?

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<v Jon @wholeparent>Why should parents care about stress beyond, just like parents are stressed out, because obviously parents are stressed out?

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Parents are very stressed out and that's like let's get that out of the way.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>A recent study showed that two thirds of parents have experienced burnout and I think that number is underreported, so most likely a higher number than just 75% of parents.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So there's a lot of reasons why parents are stressed and burned out.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>One is just because parenting in and of itself is a difficult endeavor right, it's 24-7.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>There's no respite and there's no time to recover.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It's just you're always on.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>But also in this particular era of the modern world, with many competing demands on our time, it's just ups the ante.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>That much more.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So, not only are we parenting 24-7, but we are also expected to be on the job, working and engaged in our work 24-7.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>And because of the information overload and the sense of hyper-connectedness that we as adults are engaging with and unfortunately, some kids as well, right, like with increased screen time that has a direct influence on our brain, on our neural pathways and our stress response.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So not only are we engaging on a day-to-day level, with a lot of stress being a stressful job, you know, the greatest job you'll ever love being a parent.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>However, there's external factors as well, and then also the lack of social support that many parents are feeling.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>We know that loneliness is a major issue and back in the day there was a lot of social structure and infrastructure built into parenting.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>Oh yeah.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>An entire tribe would parent together.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>And now you know, we know that it takes a village, but really cultivating that village takes time for many people and often there isn't a village, and so we're really relying on our nuclear family to do the work of parenting, when it is really a job of community.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So so many reasons.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>What can we do to manage our stress, to reset our brains and our bodies?

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>We can use some of the strategies that I offer on an individual basis, while also very much remembering that these are societal phenomenon.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>Right, and I think that that's such a compelling point to just to take the pressure a little bit off of parents of being like it is not your fault that you're stressed, right?

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<v Jon @wholeparent>So if parents are more stressed out than they've ever been, what can we actually do?

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<v Jon @wholeparent>First of all, what are the five resets?

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<v Jon @wholeparent>For anybody who hasn't read the book, that needs to read the book, and I'm going to link in the show notes.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>But what are some practical strategies that parents can actually do that can actually benefit them even though stress isn't their fault?

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So of course, like you said, john, it's not your fault If 75% of people are facing a sense of stress and burnout.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Parents, of course you are not the exception, you're the rule.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>If you feel a sense of stress and burnout and you are not alone, it is not your fault.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It's like saying, in a room of 30 parents, 21 parents are struggling with stress and burnout and you are not alone, it is not your fault.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It's like saying, in a room of 30 parents, 21 parents are struggling with stress and burnout.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>And so, as you first normalize and validate this difficult experience of parenting, that's really important when we are working in a clinical setting, as a doctor, the first thing you want to do is, of course, when someone comes in the patient comes in with a difficult experience is to normalize and validate that difficult experience.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It automatically makes you feel less alone and there is something we call in medicine, it's called the group effect.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So that is really important to make sure that people feel supported and there is that sense of normalizing and validating this difficult experience of parenting in this moment in time.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>And so when you're thinking about the resets and the premise of the resets is this idea of neuroplasticity Fancy scientific word simply means that your brain is a muscle and your brain can change based on stimuli.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So when you're feeling a sense of stress, instead of saying okay, well, this is just how it is and I have to live with this for the next 18 years until my child goes to college, Instead you can do certain things in your day to day to actually change your brain and actually dial down that stress response, to help you feel better in the moment and so that's really what the five resets is about.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>So the five resets, just briefly.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>Can you summarize what are the five resets?

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>I would say, you know, let's talk about the titles, right?

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So?

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>The first is get clear on what matters most.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>Okay.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>The second is find quiet in a noisy world.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Then, third reset, sink your brain to your body.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>The fourth is come up for air.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>And the fifth is bring your best self forward.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>And so in each of these these are kind of like frameworks of how to think about stress and burnout.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>And so it's a roadmap.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>And so do you have to go through reset, one through five?

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Of course not.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>You can start wherever you want.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>But that's just the way I've laid it out.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Because with the first reset, when you think about what matters to you most, when you're feeling a sense of stress and you are very much in your own way not because of you, it's not your fault, it's your biology.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Of course it's hard to see the future.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>And so this first reset gets you out of that fight or flight, immediate need for survival, amygdala activated mode, back to that prefrontal cortex.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Instead of asking yourself you know, what's the matter with me?

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Why do I feel like this?

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>I feel horrible or I acted a certain way?

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Instead of asking what is the matter with me, instead you reframe that question and say what matters most to me.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>What matters most to me in this moment, rather than what is the matter with me.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>I love that it just really removes that blame and you start looking at it through the lens of self-compassion like, oh, what matters most to me rather than what's the matter with me, the reason you do the whole internal monologue and inner the relationship thing, the marriage thing, from the perspective of I am going to shame myself into progress.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>And it doesn't work because the part of your brain that can actually learn is shut down when we do that.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>And I feel like that is such just that first reset.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>What matters to me most.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>I mean my initial draft of my introduction for the book, which didn't wind up being this but was not how do you want a parent to get your kid to 18, but how do you want a parent to get your kid to 38?

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<v Jon @wholeparent>So, like you may care that your kid goes to Harvard, where you work, or Yale, where my last guest, mark bracket, works, like you might parent in such a way to like get them to those 18 year old goals.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>But, as you've pointed out, as Mark pointed out in the last episode, the, that that's not the, that's not the end of the finish line.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>That's not the real finish line here.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>I feel like that is really the big question, because you know, when you're feeling a sense of stress and burnout, like we've already talked about, it's hard to see the forest from the trees.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>You don't really know when you're on the journey how far you've come, and so, even if you have made great progress with your stress and burnout, you need something measurable for you to say to yourself oh wow, yeah, I really have done great.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Because of that inner critic that is always berating you and really that voice.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>How do you combat that voice?

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>How do you say wait, wait, wait, hold on.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>In fact, I'm doing kind of awesome with my stress and burnout and this is why and so it's a way to reframe that conversation, that internal monologue as well- so parents are stressed out.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>It's not our fault.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>We get that, but how do we get less stressed?

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So if you think about how do you change your brain, just breaking it down whether it means like choosing a different food, or I'm going to start exercising and I never did, or I'm going to stop yelling at my children, or whatever it is that you want to do I want to go to bed earlier the way you change your brain habits like how does it, how do you form habits?

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>First, it takes eight weeks to build a habit and falling off as part of habit formation.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>But really, when you think about your brain and neuroplasticity, you think of like a dirt road, and that's when you start something new and you're not sure if it's going to work.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It's a dirt road but if you do a little bit every day, that dirt road becomes a one lane highway and then a paved road and then a two lane highway and before you know it it's four lanes on both sides and a super highway.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>And so it takes time.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It takes time, but that's how your brain actually works.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>In that it's.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>These are called neural circuits and that's how they form right.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It's like one little circuit, because you do one behavior, maybe once a week, and then, if you start doing the same thing every day, that circuit just gets strengthened and strengthened and becomes cemented, and then it's just who you are, it's just what you do.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>Right, and man, this is so, this is so powerful.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>So we're probably not going to get to the other four resets, but I want to.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>I want to save time here in a moment to say, okay, what are, like, the three actionable things that parents can do, whether that's stop breathe be, that's from the book whether that's intentional breathing you know, vagal breathing, what, like any of that stuff, whatever, whatever your three are, but I'm going to give you, I'm going to give you I like your your highway metaphor.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>I'm going to raise you my metaphor that I use in the book and you tell me if this, if I'm getting this right, or if I need to really quickly hang up this call and call my publisher and tell them that we need to throw it away.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>Um, so the metaphor that I use for for exactly the process that you're talking about, is paving a new road, the very similar to what you offer, but I say it's paving a new road through a forest.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>So actually, the first step is you don't even have a dirt road, you have a forest, and anybody who's tried to walk off trail in a forest knows that literally every single step, you either have a machete or you're you're ripped up Like you're going to get cut up if you're not wearing the right shoes.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>That's therapy?

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<v Jon @wholeparent>Um, you're, you're not going to get through it, right?

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<v Jon @wholeparent>And but the first time that you walk through that that trail, even just the first time, if you go back to the beginning of it and look, you can tell where you stepped off.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>But if you don't step off again for three weeks, you won't be able to.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>Now, if you walk down that path again later that day, it's going to be a little bit more entrenched.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>You walk down that path 500,000 times and all of a sudden, that is the trail.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>And you look back to that trail that you used to walk, that was yelling at your kids, that was unhealthy dietary habits, that was not getting enough sleep because this is another thing from the book you stay up scrolling your phone instead of actually laying down and you realize that, in an amazing way, there are not even two trails anymore, that, in an amazing way, there are not even two trails anymore.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>There is only one trail.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>It's just the new trail that actually, through neural pruning, not only do we get to build new highways, as you say, but we actually get to remove old highways, and that it actually becomes easier, not in a oh well, it's easier because I learned how but in a actually, your brain.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>It is easier for you to do the thing that you are intentionally doing Respond rather than react.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>So does this metaphor am I, am I getting that right?

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<v Jon @wholeparent>Do you feel like that fits?

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>with your framework?

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Very much so, and you know like you say.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Yes, I think very much so.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It fits exactly with what we know about how the brain works, and that is why.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So, something like exercise.

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<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>You know, if you talk to people who never exercise, it's very difficult to exercise right, like to go from a person who is a lifelong non-exerciser or a sedentary person to exercise that like initial moment.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>That was a really nice way of saying that A lifelong non-exerciser.

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<v Jon @wholeparent>Yeah, I've had so many patients, that's a really kind way of being like the person who never gets off their couch.

00:19:30.006 --> 00:19:33.124
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Yeah, I mean, or there's people who just that's me, that's me, that's me.

00:19:33.124 --> 00:19:37.635
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>And then you have people who exercise every day.

00:19:38.037 --> 00:19:38.216
<v Jon @wholeparent>Right.

00:19:38.484 --> 00:19:39.670
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>And you know, we're all just people.

00:19:39.670 --> 00:19:40.633
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>How did that happen?

00:19:40.633 --> 00:19:53.227
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It's because your brain changes, so your prefrontal cortex gets thicker, and so then when you're exercising, it just, it's just easier to make that decision.

00:19:53.227 --> 00:19:54.570
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>There's no decision fatigue of like should I go, should I not go?

00:19:54.570 --> 00:19:55.292
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Then there's a ripple effect.

00:19:55.292 --> 00:19:56.475
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>When you start exercising, guess what?

00:19:56.475 --> 00:20:01.175
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Your cravings, your food cravings, change because of your prefrontal cortex, because it's gotten thicker.

00:20:01.175 --> 00:20:07.876
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So instead of eating the entire maybe you know, I'm chocolate cake, like I love it so much, that's your thing.

00:20:08.217 --> 00:20:08.759
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>That's my thing.

00:20:08.759 --> 00:20:24.012
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>But instead of eating the whole cake, I will only eat a piece of the cake, because I've been exercising every day, because your brain has my brain has changed, so it all kind of adds together and it's not just one thing, but then it causes a cascade for another thing, and another thing, and another thing.

00:20:24.012 --> 00:20:27.570
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So that first step is often the most difficult, as we know.

00:20:27.570 --> 00:20:32.766
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It's just a matter of physics, right To get that first thing moving move it right.

00:20:32.766 --> 00:20:36.516
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>But once it's in motion, it just can stay in motion.

00:20:37.005 --> 00:21:07.275
<v Jon @wholeparent>Well, and I think that that's like, that's where the like okay, I'm going to go off on this dirt road right on this time, like you are on a highway, like when you're get, when you try and build that, to use your metaphor, like when you try and build that new neural pathway, the new dirt road, it's not just that you're you're choosing to walk down the hard road, it's that there is another road and it's available to you and it looks, it's, it's there's a whole chocolate cake at the other end and it's.

00:21:07.496 --> 00:21:09.819
<v Jon @wholeparent>It's like it's not an unappealing thing.

00:21:09.819 --> 00:21:23.877
<v Jon @wholeparent>And especially in in a world where we're constantly burned out and stressed out, the idea of like bypassing our established neural pathways feels, when we're constantly in survival mode, really hard.

00:21:23.877 --> 00:21:41.702
<v Jon @wholeparent>But we can, and I think probably the easiest, some of the easiest ways, some of the most effective tools, are some of the resets that you provide, some of the I shouldn't say the resets some of the actionable, evidence-based practices that then lead to those long-term resets that can rewire your brain.

00:21:41.702 --> 00:21:48.584
<v Jon @wholeparent>So if you, if you had to give some practical okay, parents are listening to this, they're like step one call to action.

00:21:48.584 --> 00:21:49.827
<v Jon @wholeparent>How can we do it?

00:21:50.314 --> 00:22:06.240
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>First and foremost, John, everything I recommend is practical because, as a doctor, I've had so many patients who everyone has a full life, Everyone's busy, and me, as a working mother, you know like everyone is just strapped for time and energy, and so it has to be practical and easier.

00:22:06.240 --> 00:22:06.800
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>You won't do it.

00:22:06.800 --> 00:22:10.327
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So the first thing is you try.

00:22:10.327 --> 00:22:18.048
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>You know, one thing I love, which is which was my gateway into this whole world of mind, body, medicine and stress management, was stop breathe, be.

00:22:18.048 --> 00:22:31.387
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Everyone has three seconds and this is a three second brain reset, and so in that moment of chaos we have all been there as parents you can stop breathe and be.

00:22:31.387 --> 00:22:40.597
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>The instructions are in the name, and when you stop breathe and be, what you're doing is that you are getting out of that what-if?

00:22:40.938 --> 00:22:43.145
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Anxious thinking, which is about the future.

00:22:43.145 --> 00:22:45.182
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Anxiety is a future focused emotion.

00:22:45.182 --> 00:22:50.582
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>You're thinking about what if this happens and what if that happens, and it gets you back in the here and the now.

00:22:50.582 --> 00:22:53.157
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>What is so it's away from what if?

00:22:53.157 --> 00:22:56.547
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Thinking back to what is stop breathe, be.

00:22:56.547 --> 00:22:58.860
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>You can use that anytime, anywhere.

00:22:59.121 --> 00:23:00.044
<v Jon @wholeparent>So stop breathe be.

00:23:00.044 --> 00:23:02.721
<v Jon @wholeparent>That is step one and I remember this part of the book.

00:23:02.721 --> 00:23:13.042
<v Jon @wholeparent>When you get to this part of the book, it is absolutely profound when you talk about putting your hand on the door handle, of going into these rooms where you have patients and being like, ok, I am going to stop breathe be.

00:23:13.042 --> 00:23:25.321
<v Jon @wholeparent>I definitely use Stop Breathe Be, if not daily, at least every two or three days, when I know I am not in the place to parent in the way in which I want to parent in that moment.

00:23:25.321 --> 00:23:27.206
<v Jon @wholeparent>What's another one that we can use right away?

00:23:27.995 --> 00:23:32.786
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Another one I love, which I use in my everyday life, particularly at night.

00:23:32.786 --> 00:23:35.540
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Like you said, at night, when you're scrolling, it's grayscale.

00:23:35.540 --> 00:23:37.686
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So it's a way to create a digital boundary.

00:23:37.686 --> 00:24:04.039
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>We have boundaries in every aspect and every relationship in our lives with our spouses, our kids, our colleagues Yet we have no boundaries when it comes to your digital devices, and so creating a digital boundary is important because, like we talked about at the beginning of this conversation, your brain needs rest and recovery, and if you are constantly on the go as a parent and then during your downtime you're scrolling, Scrolling has an immediate effect on your brain.

00:24:04.039 --> 00:24:17.067
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It actually revs up your stress response, your amygdala because you know clickbait works on the biology of stress and your amygdala doesn't know the difference between things happening thousands of miles away or things happening in your backyard.

00:24:17.067 --> 00:24:18.596
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It's the same response.

00:24:18.596 --> 00:24:19.558
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It's like a light switch.

00:24:20.179 --> 00:24:22.223
<v Jon @wholeparent>And so good, so good.

00:24:22.984 --> 00:24:23.425
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Yeah.

00:24:23.425 --> 00:24:24.207
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So how do you?

00:24:24.207 --> 00:24:28.483
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So one thing that I do is um first, we all do it.

00:24:28.483 --> 00:24:32.855
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It's called revenge, bedtime procrastination, very common amongst parents.

00:24:32.855 --> 00:24:35.663
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>And so at the end of the day, it's eight or nine o'clock at night.

00:24:35.663 --> 00:24:44.086
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>You finally get that moment your kids are asleep, the kitchen is cleaned, everyone's had dinner, baths, you sit down, perhaps maybe for the first time all day.

00:24:44.086 --> 00:24:47.070
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Do you claim that time is your own and you start scrolling.

00:24:47.070 --> 00:24:53.241
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>You have every intention of going to bed at 10 o'clock at night Every intention and before you know it it's midnight.

00:24:53.241 --> 00:24:54.245
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>What happened?

00:24:54.245 --> 00:24:58.754
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>What happened is that your brain just took over the amygdala and you started scrolling.

00:24:58.934 --> 00:25:01.922
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>When you're feeling a sense of stress, you're scanning for danger.

00:25:01.922 --> 00:25:04.288
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Your amygdala starts scanning like tribes people.

00:25:04.288 --> 00:25:11.862
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Back in the day we had night watchmen scrolling at night while the tribe slept, and now we are our own night watchmen.

00:25:11.862 --> 00:25:13.581
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So we scroll and scroll and scroll.

00:25:13.581 --> 00:25:16.884
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>We see something that looks interesting or dangerous or curious.

00:25:16.884 --> 00:25:24.097
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>We go down that rabbit hole and before you know it, it's midnight and you have shirked on your sleep and you know again.

00:25:24.097 --> 00:25:25.481
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>This is not a knowledge thing.

00:25:25.481 --> 00:25:27.695
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>We all know that going to bed early is important.

00:25:27.695 --> 00:25:29.039
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It's good for our brain and our body.

00:25:29.039 --> 00:25:33.639
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>We tell our children to have strict bedtimes and yet we are so lax with ourselves.

00:25:33.639 --> 00:25:35.924
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It's about parenting ourselves a little bit better.

00:25:35.924 --> 00:25:39.140
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Absolutely so, grayscale.

00:25:39.180 --> 00:25:40.124
<v Jon @wholeparent>Grayscale, grayscale.

00:25:44.394 --> 00:25:45.599
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>All you do is you set your phone to grayscale.

00:25:45.599 --> 00:25:49.996
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Every phone is a little bit of a different way to do it and when you click your phone to grayscale, it switches everything to black and white mode.

00:25:49.996 --> 00:25:53.265
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>And so scrolling becomes less interesting for your brain.

00:25:53.265 --> 00:26:01.643
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It's less stimulating for your brain, so you can scroll, you'll read headlines and within like 30 minutes you're bored because it doesn't have the stimulating colors.

00:26:01.643 --> 00:26:06.346
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It'll decrease your screen time and get you to bed earlier, so that is what I love that.

00:26:07.049 --> 00:26:11.240
<v Jon @wholeparent>And you're saying switch your phone to grayscale at the prescribed times.

00:26:11.240 --> 00:26:13.424
<v Jon @wholeparent>You're saying just have a phone.

00:26:13.605 --> 00:26:19.024
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So I usually don't have my phone in grayscale all day, simply because you need a little bit of color.

00:26:19.024 --> 00:26:24.503
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>In fact, if you're like doing an Amazon purchase, it's hard to actually see when you have it on black and white.

00:26:24.503 --> 00:26:26.206
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>I've tried lots of different things.

00:26:26.206 --> 00:26:38.079
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So I keep it usually on grayscale when I am at night, when I'm scrolling and when I get to bed or when I'm focused on a task at work and I don't want to have a distraction of my phone.

00:26:38.660 --> 00:26:39.141
<v Jon @wholeparent>I love that.

00:26:39.160 --> 00:26:44.028
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Switching it onto grayscale and then I also keep my phone off my nightstand, so creating a digital boundary.

00:26:44.028 --> 00:26:51.906
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So it's not the last thing I do when I go to bed, it's not the first thing I check in the morning just a little bit of a buffer for your brain and giving.

00:26:51.906 --> 00:27:04.539
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So that's like the second kind of non-negotiable and then, tied to that, the third non-negotiable is that I really do try and I would recommend this to all parents is to protect your sleep like the vital resource it is.

00:27:04.539 --> 00:27:10.656
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Of course, we know, based on data, that your sleep only after your final child.

00:27:10.656 --> 00:27:16.976
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It takes six years after your last kid to finally get into a decent sleep pattern.

00:27:16.976 --> 00:27:21.494
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>We know that based on the data, but in fact I mean your kids can be older and getting up.

00:27:21.494 --> 00:27:23.821
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>You know that's not like a hard and fast rule.

00:27:24.262 --> 00:27:34.807
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>We know that sleep is not something that parents get readily because for all the reasons that we already know, but really trying to prioritize your sleep.

00:27:34.894 --> 00:27:47.730
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So when you do the gray scale, what will often happen is that you'll get to bed earlier and then you actually will get the sleep that you need, because when you are sleeping, when you're shortchanging your brain with sleep, there is a link between sleep and stress.

00:27:48.534 --> 00:27:59.042
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So when you sleep less, your brain, in fact the amygdala, is more reactive, your cortisol, the stress hormone, is higher, and so you might be more irritable the next day.

00:27:59.042 --> 00:28:01.082
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It might influence your work.

00:28:01.082 --> 00:28:05.617
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>The ripple effect is vast with the sleep stress cycle.

00:28:05.617 --> 00:28:09.467
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So it will likely affect your parenting, your emotional reactivity.

00:28:09.467 --> 00:28:11.600
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It might affect emotional eating.

00:28:11.600 --> 00:28:19.144
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It certainly affects your willpower to exercise or motivation to do things or clean the house, et cetera, because you are so sleep deprived.

00:28:19.144 --> 00:28:24.042
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Now we've all been there as parents, and especially in the newborn years, toddler years.

00:28:24.042 --> 00:28:32.268
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>But even then, if you can protect your sleep and really think about sleep like a therapeutic intervention, it's not a waste of time.

00:28:32.268 --> 00:28:34.654
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It is truly, deeply therapeutic.

00:28:34.654 --> 00:28:42.297
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It is in fact so important for your brain because sleep is when everything happens in your body, in your brain.

00:28:42.297 --> 00:28:44.903
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>It's like a dishwasher for your brain.

00:28:45.264 --> 00:28:47.861
<v Jon @wholeparent>Yeah, yeah, no, literally cleaning out the neurotoxins.

00:28:47.861 --> 00:28:48.223
<v Jon @wholeparent>I try it.

00:28:48.223 --> 00:28:49.598
<v Jon @wholeparent>This is something that I tell to my.

00:28:49.598 --> 00:28:51.644
<v Jon @wholeparent>My eight year old is that he's.

00:28:51.644 --> 00:28:54.776
<v Jon @wholeparent>I don't want to go to sleep and I'm just like, yeah, but your brain's so dirty, man.

00:28:55.978 --> 00:28:56.859
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>That's so good to clean it.

00:28:56.879 --> 00:28:57.539
<v Jon @wholeparent>We got to clean it out.

00:28:57.539 --> 00:29:00.542
<v Jon @wholeparent>But yeah, I, you know this has been such a helpful conversation.

00:29:00.542 --> 00:29:08.711
<v Jon @wholeparent>Just to summarize, you know, I think what we all need to appreciate is, number one, that stress is normal.

00:29:08.711 --> 00:29:16.608
<v Jon @wholeparent>Number two, that most of the stress that we're feeling in the modern 21st century is maladaptive and not adaptive.

00:29:16.608 --> 00:29:26.086
<v Jon @wholeparent>That those places where stress is adaptive, you know, hey, if you're a little stressed out because, like your doctor has said for the last five years, to go get a colonoscopy, go get a colonoscopy.

00:29:26.086 --> 00:29:36.646
<v Jon @wholeparent>But if you're constantly stressed about things that are happening, if not hundreds of miles away, thousands of miles away from you, constantly like this is not helping you.

00:29:36.646 --> 00:29:42.419
<v Jon @wholeparent>Number three the way to actually change that is to build these new neural pathways through stop, breathe, be.

00:29:42.419 --> 00:29:43.999
<v Jon @wholeparent>And these are just the first three.

00:29:43.999 --> 00:29:44.942
<v Jon @wholeparent>You said how many in the book?

00:29:44.942 --> 00:29:45.423
<v Jon @wholeparent>Fifteen.

00:29:45.984 --> 00:29:46.365
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Fifteen.

00:29:47.195 --> 00:29:48.641
<v Jon @wholeparent>So these are just the first three.

00:29:48.641 --> 00:29:50.842
<v Jon @wholeparent>Well, they're not the first three, but they are three.

00:29:50.842 --> 00:29:52.740
<v Jon @wholeparent>Stop breathe, be number one.

00:29:52.740 --> 00:29:55.639
<v Jon @wholeparent>Getting more sleep, number two, and the way that you can do that is having some.

00:29:55.639 --> 00:29:56.783
<v Jon @wholeparent>I like to call those.

00:29:56.783 --> 00:29:58.336
<v Jon @wholeparent>You said it was a digital boundary.

00:29:58.336 --> 00:29:59.438
<v Jon @wholeparent>It's a physical boundary too.

00:29:59.939 --> 00:30:01.241
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Yeah, geographical boundary.

00:30:01.361 --> 00:30:08.538
<v Jon @wholeparent>I got to physically get away from this thing, and so if it means that you watch fewer whole parent books, uh, please watch or not, books.

00:30:08.538 --> 00:30:10.484
<v Jon @wholeparent>Fewer whole parent videos, please watch.

00:30:10.484 --> 00:30:11.547
<v Jon @wholeparent>Fewer whole parent videos.

00:30:11.547 --> 00:30:12.496
<v Jon @wholeparent>Uh, in fact.

00:30:12.496 --> 00:30:16.265
<v Jon @wholeparent>Uh, Dr Aditi, can we just prescribe no whole parent videos after midnight?

00:30:16.265 --> 00:30:22.179
<v Jon @wholeparent>Um, and if you are, then they have to be in gray scale, which will be very weird looking, Um.

00:30:22.179 --> 00:30:23.561
<v Jon @wholeparent>But thank you so much.

00:30:23.561 --> 00:30:25.003
<v Jon @wholeparent>How can we connect with you?

00:30:25.003 --> 00:30:27.406
<v Jon @wholeparent>How can we, other than just, you know, buying the book?

00:30:27.406 --> 00:30:30.090
<v Jon @wholeparent>Obviously you read the book for the audio version.

00:30:30.090 --> 00:30:31.480
<v Jon @wholeparent>I'll make sure that I link that as well.

00:30:31.480 --> 00:30:33.522
<v Jon @wholeparent>But how else can we connect with you?

00:30:33.522 --> 00:30:35.381
<v Jon @wholeparent>What future projects do we have?

00:30:35.381 --> 00:30:36.600
<v Jon @wholeparent>Do we have an email list?

00:30:36.600 --> 00:30:41.118
<v Jon @wholeparent>How can we get more as parents to actually change our brains as parents, to?

00:30:41.158 --> 00:30:41.819
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>actually change our brains.

00:30:41.819 --> 00:30:52.270
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>So you can follow me on social media across platforms at Dr Aditi Narukar, at D-R-A-D-I-T-I-N-E-R-U-R-K-A-R.

00:30:52.270 --> 00:31:05.563
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>You can check out my website, 5resetscom or draditicom, and a newsletter on Substack called it's Not you, it's your Stress and all of that is linked in my bio on Instagram.

00:31:06.125 --> 00:31:06.446
<v Jon @wholeparent>Awesome.

00:31:06.446 --> 00:31:14.321
<v Jon @wholeparent>Dr Aditi Narukar, thank you so much for being on the Whole Parent Podcast and all of your time that you've given us your amazing book.

00:31:14.321 --> 00:31:15.303
<v Jon @wholeparent>You're awesome.

00:31:15.303 --> 00:31:15.985
<v Jon @wholeparent>Final word.

00:31:16.606 --> 00:31:22.547
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Thank you and parents, I am with you in solidarity on this adventure of a lifetime.

00:31:22.547 --> 00:31:23.207
<v Dr. Aditi Nerurkar>Thank you, John.