404. I want to do everything, so I do nothing

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here. Back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our twenties, and back for a very important episode at that. I want to do everything, so I do nothing. This is our topic for today. I have so many dreams for myself and my life, but I don't chase any of them. I hear this all the time from people in their twenties. In fact, I think it is the biggest worry I hear from people during this decade, and it's also a major route of so much dissatisfaction, not just now but in the future. Obviously, it doesn't always sound like that, right. It doesn't always sound like somebody being like, I want to do everything, but I do nothing. It sounds like I don't know which of these jobs to choose, so I'm just going to stay where I am. It sounds like I don't know whether to stay or leave my relationships, so I guess I'll just stay. I don't know whether to honor my passions or my need for stability, so I'll do neither. I don't know whether to travel or whether to save, so I won't do either. As well, All of it is the same. It all comes back to this core dilemma. Our expectations for ourselves, our dreams, I guess, are so heavy that they often keep us pinned to one place, safe but not very happy. This conundrum is so interesting to me because it's not that you can't achieve what you want if you set your mind to it. It's not that there is a lack of things that intrigue you, or a lack of opportunities or ambition. In fact, I normally find that people who get stuck in this situation have an excess of ambition. Psychologically, it's about regret, right, and more than that, it is about fear. It is very easy from the outside to look at someone who is stagnant at this point in their life and to assume that they are just lazy. They lack discipline, they lack motivation, they lack structure. I would say eighty percent of the time. For people in this situation, that's not their problem. A lack of discipline is not the problem. It is this fear that's holding them back from just choosing somewhere to direct their discipline. So today we're going to talk about what's really going on, and also my guide to taking all those options, taking all those dreams, and committing choosing chasing what you really want, even if you are entirely unsure how it's going to turn out. So, without further ado, let's get into the episode. Let's return to this main dilemma, wanting to do it all, not knowing which path is worth trying first, so doing nothing. This has been something that personally I've been dealing with a lot recently. Let's get ken for a second. I'll be totally honest. I've been doing this podcast for five years now, literally for my entire twenties minus like one or two years. I honestly want to do beyond this before I turn thirty, and I just can't seem to take a step towards anything. I feel like I have a new brilliant idea every week for how I want these last few years of my twenties to go. You know, I really want to go back and get my PhD like I always wanted to. That was my path before this podcast happened. You know, I really want to launch a business. I want to write another book. I think about a business idea like every day part of me also just wants to do nothing. But I have done none of these things. I think maybe because I'm leaving this invisible space for the most perfect fully formed idea to like come along and like to have the space to complete it. I want to have this like full body confirmation reaction that I had when I started the podcast. That's like the only time I've ever felt that. And because I feel like I've felt that once, and because I took this one big risk, I'm like, oh, maybe I don't need to take risks anymore. Maybe I just need to coast. Maybe it really just comes down to this sense of like I've just I don't know. I feel like life has gone so well, I've got all this privilege. Taking the wrong step would be a disservice to everything that's gone well in my life. And I'm so young that like to set off in the wrong direction feels like it would have such major consequences for me. So let's interrogate why that is. Because you guys know I have a deep hunger for self awaren I'm not somebody who can leave my problems alone. This is what I've concluded from the research. This is why I feel like I am staying still, as I'm sure many of you are as well. I know I mentioned fear. What I've realized is that it really comes down to three distinct fears. The fear of regret, the fear of failure, and the fear of being judged, the fear of being seen. Those kind of feel like similar fears, they are really really different. Let's start with the biggest primary fear for so many of us, the fear of regret, the fear that we will choose one of these paths. One day, we will choose that one, that path branching out in front of us, and we will find ourselves five, ten, fifteen years down the line in a place we don't want to be and unable to change it. We will find ourselves deeply resenting the version of us right now who didn't know any better and chose the wrong path. The interesting thing about fearing regret, fearing the wrong outcome is that you're really just worried about a lack of control, right, It's actually quite a human fear, and you're really just worried about putting things in motion that will be unchangeable. And what it really comes down to is this deep knowledge that we as humans have less control than we think, but also our time here is finite, right, we can't do it all. So how do we know with certainty what choice is going to maximize our pleasure and our happiness whilst minimizing our pain. Which one of these is going to be the perfect combination of max pleasure minimal pain. The thing is, we don't. We only know in hindsight. Sometimes we don't even know in hindsight because there's no way of knowing if another path would have turned out any better. Really, at this point, you just have to bet on the one you think is best. What's ironic as well, and I think as a core part of this is that the more choices we have, the more impactful and the more severe our paralysis nonalysis normally is which is funny, right, I think there's this logic that more choice and more ambition, more dreams, means it will be easier to choose because the right one is going to stand out. Unfortunately, that is not the case. There is a term for this. You've probably heard it. You've probably even heard it on this podcast. It is called the paradox of choice. The paradox of choice was it kind of first appeared, Actually it didn't kind of. It first appeared as the title of a book by this American psychologist. His name is Barry Schwartz, and in this book, Barry talks about a very very famous study, probably one of the most famous psychology studies of all time. It was conducted in the year two thousand. What it involved was a researcher. A researcher setting up a jam stand at a local supermarket. On day one, she has twenty four jams. On day two, she only has six jams. The researcher like, based on what I think I know about human psychology, when I have twenty four jams, more people are going to buy a jam because their preferences are going to be reflected and represented by my options. The truth that really shocked researchers was when there were twenty four jams, only three percent of people were able to make a decision and purchase something. When there were six jams. Thirty percent of people who came to the stand bought a jam. Why Because when we have too many choices, it actually doesn't equal freedom, it equals overwhelm. The pro con list that our mind is mentally working through is too large. It's too large to compare fifty options against each other versus two. And the risk of disappointment also increases with each new potential jam, because each new potential jam offers a whole new flavor that we could really, really love. We're not really talking about jam, right, We're not talking about jam. We're talking about our lives, and we're talking about the potential decisions or ideal selves or futures that we want to inhabit. It is paralyzing, and it also makes us feel silly to be complaining about having so many options, so many goals that we can't choose one. But it stumps your brain. It creates the ie do nothing part of this equation, mainly because of cognitive overload and because of the possibility of making the wrong choice is so large and profound that it drives our behavior kind of counterintuitively to make no choice. So that's the fear of regret. Second is the fear of failure. This is different from our fear of regret, because our fear of regret is about a fear of inaction, so like leaving a stone unturned, leaving an opportunity not taken. Our fear of failure is about the fear of and the fear of making a tangible mistake, rather than a mistake derived from not doing anything at all. It is the fear of committing and then being disappointed or being you know, not being able to meet the expectations for this dream or this life that we want to create. You know what, that's a possibility. It's a real possibility. We might not have what it takes. And it really stings to think about it because it gets all tied up in our self worth, our self esteem, our ego, like those little pesky things that we have to deal with. Nobody wants to feel like they weren't good enough or big enough for their dreams, or that they got so so close and missed it because of something that they did. That's a big reality to consider, and you know what, sometimes people do decide I don't think I could survive that, so I don't want to take that risk. The fear of failure is too loud, But I truly believe that, like a lot of this really comes down to a lack of self acceptance and more specifically, a lack of self trust, like this belief that like bad things could happen and you won't be able to survive them. If things do not grow perfectly well, you will not live. You will not be able to endure it. Failure will become you. Failure will be a permanent state of mind that you will remain in the thing is, it's not and it won't be. You can try again and again and again and again. In fact, most people do and will. You're going to be totally fine. In fact, a little bit of failure, I think, especially in your twenties is like healthy for you. It's part of a healthy emotional diet because it proves you are trying, and you're putting yourself in the path of luck and opportunity and it didn't hit you this time, but it could hit you next time. I also think that's why again, inoculating yourself against failure as early as you can in life in your twenties, like basically allowing little failures to come in proves how capable you are of surviving what might be a bigger failure, and if you want a big life like that may one day present itself. The possibility of big failures is going to be there, but it's no big deal. You've inoculated yourself. You got the failure vaccine, like it is nothing that you can't handle. There is this incredible piece of psychology research from two thousand and three titled Fear of Failure, Friend or Foe, which basically talks about how our fear of failure is not a singular thing. Your fear of failure can either lead you to work harder this is what they call an overstriver response to failure, or it can lead you to develop defensive behaviors. This is called a self protective fear of failure, so overstriver or self protective. The thing is, you want to be an overstriver if you cannot stop fearing failure, at least fear failure in a striving manner. Use it as a motivator, not as something that's going to handicap you from the start. Use it as something to look at and be like, I don't want that. And the biggest failure is not choosing I'm gonna work really hard. Our final fear that we need to touch on today is the fear of not just failing, the fear of being seen to fail, or the fear of judgment from others. Also part of this is, with all these choices, sometimes the fear of confusing people with your direction, sometimes like something not going right, choosing something else and thinking that people are going to judge you for that. When I talk to people who have this similar I want to do everything, so I do nothing fear this actually comes up so often. It's this idea that we have promised people we are this one type of person committed to doing this one type of thing, and so choosing something different or veering off course, maybe that makes us a liar. Maybe people would think weirdly strangely about us. Maybe they would think that like we're not disciplined, or like we're entitled, or like we just can't choose a lane. That potential for social judgment keeps us small. In anticipation to this, I say, literally, who cares be multi hyphen it? Have the courage to just say that didn't work out, what's next? Have the courage to confuse people with how many interests you have. If they're thinking about you that much, you win. You are the one with the mental real estate in their mind. You're the one with the goals big enough that they are on their radar. That's crazy that persons thinking about your goals probably more than you're thinking about them. You're the one with the audacity to try, rather than just to judge others for trying. That makes you a winner. Even if you publicly fail at something or whatever it is you're trying, you still win. Sometimes even having that rather slightly existential mindset nobody's going to remember this anyway, is really powerful. It's a very stoic mindset to have, because you put distance between yourself, the potential outcome, and this person's potential opinion, and you see it really clearly in the grand scheme of things. Their opinion will not matter on your deathbed. What will matter is realizing you didn't do the things your heart really called you to do because of their opinion. That will matter, you know. What will also matter getting to tell yourself the story that you did it anyway, Having a life of alignment, freedom purpose that that person could never dream about because you just said, I do not care thank you for your opinion. Have a nice day sometimes. And this is another mental exercise I do. It's really helpful to see life as divided into teams, the people who had the audacity to try and the people who didn't. Which team do you think is having more fun? Which team do you think is happier? Which team do you think is having a better time on this earth? The audacity team? Dah be part of that team. Okay, we're going to take a short break here, but when we return and want to give you a guide to picking. Let's pick together. What are you going to do first? What's the interest that you're going to commit to today? Stay with us. We're going to reveal all after this short break. Here is the truth that you've got to get really comfortable with. No, you cannot do it all. You just can't. That's one of the limits that we face as humans with finite time. But you can do a lot more than you think if you are able to surpass your decision paralysis. And here is exactly how I would go about it, how I'm going to try to go about it, and how I have in the past. I will say, Number one, stop trying to cram sixty to seventy years of goals and life into the next few months of the next few years. Stop compressing your timeline and remember like goals take time. Experiences come later on in life and in stranger ways than you would ever expect. And if you try to do everything at once, that is a very quick way to becoming disillusioned with your dreams, burnt out by your dreams, putting a lot of pressure on yourself, and also never getting anything done, Like doing it all right now would be a disaster. This is what you have to do. Instead. I want you to treat your twenties and with that in mind, like any decade of your life really like it is made up of five seasons, like a TV show. I spoke about this in my book Person and Progress, by the way, if you want to buy it. But whether you divide your life or your decades up into seasons of two years, seasons of three years, maybe even five, you have to find a way to mentally represent your life so that it's not just like one clump of years extending out in front of you one year after the next. Instead, there are segments. Each new season is going to have different characters, different character acs, different plot twists, different destinations, different supporting characters, like there's going to be so much that's going to be different, like different seasons in a TV show, different sets, different everything. And in each season you have to choose your major focus and your minor focus. And until you realize you are bored of that focus, or you finish that focus, or you're not you know, you realize it's not for you, you stick with it, you give it everything, you don't get sidetracked. A major focus for the next three to five years could be finish my degree, launch my business, launch my podcast, write my book, travel, pursue acting, say for a property. And then your minor focus, which can change like every year, is something like get more hobbies, a new friend, figure out my personal style, run a half marathon, something that's kind of more personal, definitely something that's not as like Korea or finance focused. Two years, three years, five years, whatever segment works for you. During that time, you have to focus on your major goal that is your only objective, because it's not going to be forever. It's just going to be for this period. And after let's say three years, you have all the permission in the world to try something new, or to pivot, or to like quietly no, like, hey, I've accomplished that one. That's part of the I want to do everything. I did that one thing, and that can remain stable whilst I go and do my other things. Like I can say I did it, I can say I tried it. Now it's time to go do something else. You know, when I quit my job to do my podcast full time, I did say I'm going to give myself two years to just give it everything. Now it's like been three years later. It's been three years, and now I'm pivoting into doing other things, like there are other things I want to do. I've given the podcast outside of my job such a big chunk of my time. Now I'm doing video podcast. Now, I'm writing another book, Like now I'm doing these other things. Like that gets my time now, and I don't feel guilty for not having given this previous thing my all. When you segment, when you say this is my time for this, and later this will be my time for that, you give your individual dreams the space to breathe, rather than like treating them like freaking cage chickens and cramming them all in with all the others. I feel like just to simplify this easily and just to make it like a quick mantra date one dream at a time. A question that will probably come from this is like what dream do I prioritize first? I think this is actually rather I don't know if this is privileged to say. I think it's a rather easy question to answer. You just have to use your regret thermometer here. Your regret thermometer is basically like asking yourself, what's the one I'm going to regret the most? What one hits the highest regret level in my mind? Like, what's the one that if I am on my deathbed and I if I die in like three months, I'm going to be like, why did I not do that? Specifically? That was a huge goal of mine. Why did I not do that? I also think a good exercise to do is just to sit down and really identify, Like, if I'm going to choose the first thing I pursue, what are my values? What do I actually care about? What is the life you really want? Not the life you think you want, not the life others want for you? What is the life you want? Can you identify it? Is it? Wealth. Is it creativity? Is it connection? Is it comfort? Excitement? Adventure? If it's adventure, don't choose the strict corporate job first, Like that cannot be the first pathway. If your priority, your main value is adventure, that can come later. If a part of you really just knows I just want to live a creative, artistic, free life, don't choose the dream the first dream to be a one that restricts you straight out the gate. Make that plan be Take all the things that like you really want to do. Write like a massive list. Actually, like you can do this right now. Write a massive list. Anything that you're like not one hundred percent like I would want to give my life to this, Cross it off for now, something you can do later. Like I think half the reason why we can't choose what we want to do is because half of the things on our list are things that we don't actually care about. I think that, Like we sit down with all these thoughts like that. But I want to be a doctor, and I want to be I want to travel all the time, and I want to run my rescue center, and I want to be an artist, or I want to be a mom, or I want to be a dad, and we're like, but wait, half those things are not things we actually want to do. Half those things are things that we think other people want from us, Like half those things are things that we expect ourselves to want. So genuinely go through that list, cross out as many as possible until you get to the one that really stands out. That is where your regret for what whatever's going to send you. Especially again, like if you are in your twenties, you have so much time. Those things, those plan bs like they can come later. You have heaps of time to settle. If heaps are time for that, just don't do it now, like it's always going to be that. You can settle twit it's called settling. You can do whatever you want. You can't always do what you want to do right now whenever you want. Like you may not have money or connections or stability, but you have gusto, you have enthusiasm, you have less obligation. Probably that is an asset, Like that is the asset of your time. Please please use it for something good and something fun, or use it for literally anything, doesn't matter what as long as you care about it. The third thing I really want you to do is set decision timelines for yourself, tell yourself and commit to starting when you say you will make a choice by a certain date. And then if you really want to go small, like just do some micro risks, commit for like two months, just like go as small as possible. Just be like, I'm going to make a decision by here, by this time. This is the decision. Now for the next two months, two weeks, two years, like I'm just gonna test it out right. Baby steps. Those baby steps are so crucial because they they reduce the mental threat of an all in like full stakes, no take backs, life change. And that's really important because probably something you're dealing with is just a lot of overwhelm and stress. So this just lets you concentrate on what's right in front of you, not the big outcome like two three fifteen years down the line that is like its own scary monster level of fearful and terrifying. Pick something you can do in the next two months for one of your dreams in action it. Finally, I want you to remember two final things. Firstly, you can jump across timelines. Making a choice in life isn't like strapping yourself to a train aboard unmovable tracks like that you can never get off. It's like hiking through a forest, where you can like push through the dense bush to change tracks when you realize that you're lost. You can be flexible if you don't like the life that you end up creating. You are not stuck there. You can borrow parts of other dreams that you have. You can go back to school, you can start over, you can practice as a novice. You can cut your own path through the forest. It's not this. You are not tied to any particular life path just because it's the first train you got on. You can get off. There's heaps of stops for you to get off. Like. These are not locking contracts. You have agency. There are not clauses that are unchangeable. You can change at any time if you if you want to, if you have like the spirit, and if you have the resources that I'm sure you do, if you're considering all these choices, and secondly, the final reminder, the one I wish I knew sooner. The very fact that you care now about making the right choice shows that you will always care. The very fact that you are worrying about not being able to do it all. Worrying about your future self, worrying about regrets shows that you have accountability over your life. And if you someday do encounter a life that you didn't sign up for that emotional reaction, that same motivation is still there and it's going to propel you to change. I have this professor say to me once, the people who are anxious about making the right decision are never the ones I worry about. I worry about the ones who are apathetic. I worry about the ones who don't worry, because that shows a lack of buying. That changed my life when he said that, like, the biggest mistake you can make will never be making a mistake. It will be not having the guts to fix the mistake, or not caring enough to fix the mistake. You obviously care. That's why you're so worried right now. You obviously will always continue to have this force and this motivation in you that will want you to change your life. So choose whatever you choose, and you will be fine, Like you will be okay because you are not apathetic. That's where all this worry proves. So that is all I have time for today. That is the end of my big rant about wanting to do it all and not doing any of it. I hope that this has helped you make a choice. I hope that it's at least helps you to be like baby step, like audacity takes you a long way. What am I going to be audacious about? What am I going to just concentrate on now, just for the next little while, not forever. I hope that breaking it down has made that, like the process behind why this is hard and how to overcome it a lot easier. If you have made it this far and you were listening on Spotify, leave a comment down below. What is the dream? What is the ultimate dream that you have for your life? Why not put it out into the universe. What is like the thing that you really want to have happened for you? Put it in the comment section. Let's make like, let's just put that, put it that one inch closer to reality. Let yourself verbalize it, maybe for the first time. Make sure that you're also following us on Instagram at that psychology podcast. You can of course share your dreams with me over there as well. I'm always receptive to hearing them, especially if like one of your dreams is starting a podcast. I'm always down to give some advice. Send this episode to somebody who you think it will resonate with. Follow us. You can also read the transcript of this episode on substaff. There are so many things that you could do with this episode. You could watch it on Netflix if you wanted. I don't know if you know that if you're new to this podcast, we are also on Netflix all over the world, so if you want to watch future episodes, past episodes you're more of a visual learner, that is a great place for you to go and check us out. I think that's enough plugs for me. I think I've done enough. I think I've done enough self promotion for this episode. So yeah, do with that what you will. And as always, at the end of every episode, you guys know I say this, be safe, be kind, be very gentle to yourself, especially if you're like debating the future. It's a tough one to think about, but I am one hundred percent sure you're going to be okay. We will talk very very soon.