229 | Why Children Ask 'How Much Time Is Left?' and Recognizing Termination Readiness

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You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.

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Your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.

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Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.

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This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get

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a master class in child-centered play therapy

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and practical support and application for your

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work with children and their families.

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In today's episode. I am answering a question from Chris in the Virgin Islands.

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So nice to have someone email from the Virgin Islands.

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Chris, I'm so excited about that and to all of my Virgin Islanders. Big. Hello.

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Thanks so much for being a part of the Play Therapy Podcast family.

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So Chris actually asked two questions.

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So you're gonna get a bonus freebie in this one.

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I'll address both of his questions in this one is about

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children asking how much time they have left in their session.

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And the second is

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knowing when a child is ready for termination and

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the relationship and the attachment pieces of that specifically.

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So I will read parts of his questions

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and then we'll dive in.

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My name is Chris Wray.

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I'm a clinical social worker working in private practice in the Virgin Islands.

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I'm a consistent listener to your podcast. I'm so glad

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I found myself oriented towards CCPT since I started working outpatient.

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And I'm one of the few clinicians at the practice I work for that meets with children.

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Isn't that almost always the case? We're the, we're the lone wolves.

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I have two questions.

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First question,

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I've noticed a pattern with some children who continually ask

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how much time they have left in their session.

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I have initially understood this as curiosity of how much time

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is left and planning their play in a scheduled manner.

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However, when it becomes a pattern,

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sometimes I have felt and questioned whether they are bored of their play time,

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I've also begun to question whether they've hit their resistance threshold

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for introduction of new themes.

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I can't entirely tell. I'm curious of your thoughts

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on such a dynamic.

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All right.

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So we'll pause there and then I'll read the

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second question in a minute to not convolute everything.

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All right, Chris really thank you so much for these questions.

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So as far as a child asking how much time they have left, this is a very common

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occurrence in play sessions

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and it's important the why matters al always,

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it's important to figure out the why.

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And we can usually pre get a pretty good sense of what that looks like

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if we pause

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and interpret what's going on.

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For example,

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if the child is asking

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with the tone aura or implication

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that

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they are really hoping that time is almost up

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that likely indicates they probably want to leave the session.

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So either they

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have just done all the work that they can handle that day and they're ready for a break

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or

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they don't want to be there anymore or they've just

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kind of reached their barrier and they're just like,

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hm.

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Yeah, let's, I just wish this was over.

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So that would be a very different reason for asking how much time is up versus

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a child with really, really high levels of anxiety.

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So a really highly anxious child would likely be asking because they are trying to

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have knowledge

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because knowledge is power

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and power is the antidote to anxiety

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when you have power and control over things, nothing surprises you.

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Nothing catches you off guard.

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And that is the absolute worst scenario for a highly

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anxious kid is to be surprised and caught off guard.

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So an anxiety rooted scenario could be a reason why a child is asking.

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Sometimes they're just truly curious.

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Sometimes a child just really wants to know how much time is left.

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And it's a relatively innocent question. I think you kind of alluded to that.

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You said originally, I thought it might have been one thing,

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but then it became a pattern.

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So now I'm questioning

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if it's just kind of an outlier scenario where you only hear it once or twice.

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Sometimes it really is just curiosity. I know we have a limited amount of time.

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So how much time do we have left?

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It can also be, as you mentioned to plan accordingly

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because certain personalities of kids do not want to run out of time,

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do not want to get in the middle of something and then not be able to finish it

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and they want to manage

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how they're going to play and how much time remains in the session.

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And then as a little bit less common reason,

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sometimes kids will have an external reason for wanting to end early,

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but it's not that they're bored or that they don't want to be there.

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Maybe mom promised them ice cream

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when the session was over.

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So they're just really looking forward to ice cream

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and the sooner they can finish their play session, the sooner they get ice cream

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and it really can just be something as simple as that.

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So the goal when a child asks is number one

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to reflect the content or the feeling or both,

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you're curious about how much time we have left.

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That would be a feeling, reflection

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or

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hm, you wanna know how many minutes we still have?

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That would be a reflection of content

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and sometimes just acknowledging that the child is

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curious or thinking about it is enough.

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But if a child persists,

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you know that there is a reason why they're asking

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and they truly want an answer.

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We typically try to avoid providing an answer to any question that a child asks us

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three different times.

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But if they repeat it a third time,

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then we know that they likely really do want us to answer the question.

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So then at that point, we give a very factual neutral age appropriate answer.

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So when kids ask me how much time is left,

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I reflect several times and then I say,

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mm, it's really important to you that, you know how much time we have left,

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we have 14 more minutes

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and then you'll get a sense of why they were asking sometimes

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because if they go, oh man,

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you know, they wanted it to be over quickly.

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If you say 14 minutes and they go no,

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then you know,

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they were hoping it was much more than that and they want to stay longer.

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So there's a really helpful way to figure out the why

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when we reflect several times and then do provide them with an answer.

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So that is my suggestion and my thought as far as

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why a child might ask how much time is left.

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So now let's dive into the next question

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and this one is about knowing when a child is ready to move into termination.

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So

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he says, I understand the phases and tracking dynamics and behaviors.

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However, how exactly do you do this when a child is ready to transition out?

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I work with a 12 year old boy who has hit all of the milestones and goals,

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his grandmother laid out for him.

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And I feel that

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he is, she is ready to stop bringing him.

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However,

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I feel we're in the midst of processing

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relational grievances regarding his absent mother and father

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for context, I almost feel that he looks forward to our sessions all week.

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I guarantee you he does

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and

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that I am a trans

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object relations figure for him,

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which makes me feel uncomfortable to a certain degree.

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I feel uncomfortable due to the fact that I

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cannot be available for the entirety of his life.

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And I often feel pressured by the managed care aspect of clinics.

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I also feel nervous to what degree he attaches to me.

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I don't quite know what that says about me or him. Curious about your thoughts.

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OK. So

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first and foremost, let's talk about

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assessing readiness for termination.

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If you

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haven't

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listened in order, we talked about termination phase a while back.

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So if this is very foreign to you, please go back and start at episode one

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for those of you that are familiar with termination,

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what are the reasons why

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we

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decide that a child is ready to begin the termination phase?

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There you go. I'm sure you all answered appropriately.

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So they are for those of you that had no idea how to answer that question.

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They are that there is resolution of presenting issues.

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We see regulation and stability across all environments.

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We see no

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new themes being introduced into the play

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and we do not see shifts taking place within existing themes.

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So in other words, let's say the child continues.

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In, in your case, Chris, you mentioned

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he's still playing out relational

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play.

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OK?

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So if we know he's doing relational work and you are seeing things shift and change

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as he's working through that relational dynamic,

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we know that he is still actively doing work and therefore,

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we know he is not ready to terminate.

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So there are four reasons that we're constantly evaluating

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or or four criteria rather that we're constantly evaluating

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to determine if a child is ready to begin the termination process.

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What you're describing, my gut tells me he is not ready to terminate.

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Yes, he has met the milestones and goals. That means that he has regulated,

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that means that he likely has built

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an emotional vocabulary and likely has built

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uh coping skills.

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However,

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usually we see there's a hierarchy in what kids are going to process.

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So I suspect that he worked on all of the

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other things which has allowed him to better regulate,

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which is why grandma's pleased.

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But we also know that

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there's going to be harder work toward the end.

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So if he is now working on relational dynamics and aspects

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that is much harder, deeper stuff,

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so it's going to hang on longer and it will take longer for him to get there.

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So we're always going to look at

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those four criteria for preparation for termination

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if we recognize that

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he is constantly building coping skills. He's constantly building resilience.

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He's building an emotional vocabulary. He's building problem solving skills.

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He's building an emotional IQ,

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he trusts himself. He accepts himself, he values himself

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all of these things, equip him

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to do life without you, Chris.

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And this is true for all of us.

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You're absolutely right that he's not going to have you for the rest of his life.

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And that is never the premise of CCPT. And it's never the goal,

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the goal is that the child does the work.

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The child carries the skills that they've acquired with them forever

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and they are better equipped to handle whatever comes.

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We just serve as the guide rails.

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We serve as

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the therapeutic partner on the journey,

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but they're not better

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because of what we did. They're better because of the work that they did.

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So it's very important to recognize that even when you are no longer in his life,

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he has worked and built all of this stuff that he's going to need.

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So,

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while you've been a part of that and you've

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been a necessary component of his healing journey,

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you are not a requirement long term.

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And, and that's why

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Rogers, we go back to Rogers, we go back to child-centered and or sorry,

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person centered and then child-centered.

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We know

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that the whole premise is that people self actualize

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and the relationship is at the heart of that,

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but they don't need that person in their life forever.

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They need the environment and the relationship,

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they do the work and then that work carries on

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once they

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are through that part of their journey.

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So it's really important that we recognize that he will

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do what he needs to do and then take that with him.

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And you mentioned that you feel that he might have some attachment to you.

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He should

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let, let's think about this for a second.

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What is the most important component of CCPT?

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Yes. Thank you. The relationship.

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So we understand

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that this relationship that this 12 year old has built with you, Chris,

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it is extremely significant to him.

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It is extremely important to him. It is valuable, it is meaningful. It is necessary,

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especially in the absence of a mom and dad.

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I'm sure he absolutely

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is attached to you and values coming to see you

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and he should

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because we understand that the relationship is at the heart of everything.

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And so that's why we have to have a termination phase.

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That's why it is a process

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because we allow him to have a healthy and happy goodbye.

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So when he is ready,

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I would argue, he's not yet.

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When he's ready,

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you're going to go through the termination process with him.

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And it is a phase so that he can prepare

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to do this without you and he can feel ready to handle it

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and he can say goodbye and know that it's not a forever goodbye.

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We,

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we make it very clear that a child can always come back and see us.

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Why? Because the relationship persists even if we're not meeting with them weekly.

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So that's really important to be mindful that we have

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to keep the relationship at the heart of it,

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which means attachment takes place,

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it should

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and then it actually allows them to understand what

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it means to say goodbye in a healthy way

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and know that that relationship and that person is still there for them,

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even without consistency in or, or frequency in sessions.

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So Chris from the Virgin Islands, thank you so much for the question.

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I'm really excited to hear from you

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and I hope that was helpful to kind of have a bonus in that one.

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You got two questions for the price of one.

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But I think both of these issues are something that we,

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we really need to be mindful of.

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We need to know that kids are going to ask how much time is left and what's behind that.

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And then also

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that we need to be mindful of when a child is ready to terminate.

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So, really appreciate that if you all would.

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Thanks to reach out to me, I'd love to hear from you,

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brenna@thekidcounselor.com.

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If you

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are signed up for the conference in Australia,

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please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com/meetup

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and reserve your spot for the meet up when we're in Brisbane

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and otherwise I love you all. We'll talk again soon. Bye.

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Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr Brenna Hicks.

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For more episodes and resources.

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Please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.