Angie Martinez IRL - Porsha Williams Says Embracing Reinvention After Motherhood Saved Her Life

00:00:00
Speaker 1: So, yeah, I have disrupted things.

00:00:02
Speaker 2: But it's like me standing in the middle of a tornado and I'm smiling, you know what I'm saying, Like, Yeah, y'all go crazy.

00:00:09
Speaker 1: But I feel amazing.

00:00:10
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying.

00:00:11
Speaker 1: I feel good.

00:00:12
Speaker 3: And that is a beautiful way to say that.

00:00:16
Speaker 4: Yeah, like there's a tornado, y'all can have a tornado all y'all want swirl on like, but I'm just smiling inside the tornadoes and.

00:00:25
Speaker 2: Get thatspiration will calm down and then people will look back and say, Wow, that's actually pretty inspiring that she just went for it like that.

00:00:40
Speaker 3: Thanks for watching, guys. Today's episode is brought to you by boost Mobile. Today's guest is a cultural force who turned reality TV into a launch pad for reinvention. She's an entrepreneur, activist, media personality. She builds brands. I can already tell she is a girl's girl. I will tell you the story about that after she build brands like Pampered by a Porsche. She's in the upcoming season of Real Housewives of Atlanta and Traders, a mother of Boss. Please welcome Porsche Williamson Show today.

00:01:10
Speaker 1: I have a lot of audience.

00:01:11
Speaker 3: I'm you know, be quiet. I love it. It will be quiet, though it does get quiet, but for the initial welcome, we want you to feel the energy and the love you do. I'm so glad to be here. I'm happy to have you, baby. How are you doing good? I could already tell you a girl's girl because I was like, oh my god, I like these earrings so much. You took the thing off to get me the name, and I was like, I'm gonna get you a pair.

00:01:32
Speaker 1: That's right. I do not get keep that is.

00:01:35
Speaker 3: Girls girls activity.

00:01:36
Speaker 1: I'm like that.

00:01:37
Speaker 2: I'm like, because if I ask you, I want you to tell me, and I would have sent you to link and everything.

00:01:41
Speaker 3: Actually I'll take it though, still I'll take that. Actually do that. How are you, baby? And what's happened? What season of your life? Not you not the reality show? Season of your life? Are you in right now?

00:01:54
Speaker 1: What season of my life am I in?

00:01:56
Speaker 2: I would say the truest season, the true with I thought to get to where I am and I really can appreciate what I've been through. I can appreciate where I'm standing right now and who I am and how I am handling and living my life, how I'm really truly living and loving life right now.

00:02:18
Speaker 3: What is the difference though, like in the everyday ness of it? What is the difference.

00:02:22
Speaker 2: The difference in the everyday ness is I have boundaries and loving boundaries. You know, I'm not like walking around like some mean you know person every day. But healthy boundaries are good to say, you know, not just in business, just in everyday life with friendships, with relationships. Did you not have across the world. I didn't always practice that, No, I really didn't. I you know, would do whatever to keep the peace or compromise myself in a lot of different situations. But I found a healthy balance.

00:02:53
Speaker 1: You know what I mean.

00:02:54
Speaker 2: I feel like when you first start to practice having boundaries and protecting yourself, you do a little too much.

00:03:00
Speaker 1: You end up seeing there boy yourself because it's like you don't pushing everybody.

00:03:02
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying. You isolate. You known isolated a little bit too much.

00:03:05
Speaker 2: Now I have isolated, but I have learned to discern the right people to let back around me, the right situations, the right opportunities. And I don't know, I trust myself a lot more now, like you know, in your forties, I really.

00:03:18
Speaker 1: Know what I want and don't want.

00:03:20
Speaker 2: And I'm quick to say yes to what I do want and quick to say no, which is not something I always used to do.

00:03:26
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think it takes women some time. I think a couple of days. I think people pleasing sometimes puts our boundaries at risk, and they also like not even knowing ourselves or not trusting ourselves right, not trusting, not trusting, and also in the past seeing yourself through other people's eyes, trusting other people's.

00:03:44
Speaker 2: Opinion for your life or for or them telling you who you are better than yourself. Yeah, and you know, I feel like every mistake has just been to learn an opportunity. Like I live by no no mistakes, lessons learned, you know what I mean for me, And so at this point you forgive yourself, you celebrate yourself. And I take moments. I take real life snapshots of things that happen to me. If I'm around my mother and we're having a good day and we're talking about something and I'm just like a pause, and I take it in because as a single mom who works all the time and you know, trying to build empire and do all these multifaceted different things.

00:04:26
Speaker 1: Life will just pass you by.

00:04:27
Speaker 2: You miss it, and you don't appreciate the small things. So there's times when I'm just sitting there with my daughter and watching TV and I just give her an extra snuggle and I take a snapshot and I keep that from myself, and I'm so glad that I've learned to slow down when I needed to.

00:04:41
Speaker 3: Snapshots are good. Snapshots are real good, yeah, because you have them forever, and then you have them in the bad moments when you're down and you need them.

00:04:49
Speaker 1: They're they're there, yeah, and you can go back to those moments.

00:04:52
Speaker 2: I feel like in my life when I've had trauma, I can go back to those moments like that. But when there's been good things that happen, and I don't because I don't savor those moments.

00:05:02
Speaker 1: I just say, oh I did good or this is a good moment.

00:05:04
Speaker 2: I just keep on going trying to get the next good moment or the next thing that I.

00:05:10
Speaker 1: Have to do.

00:05:11
Speaker 2: You rush along past things that you supt should celebrate and things that really feel good to you, whereas now I savor them. So when I do have like a tough day, I'm like, oh, I know what I need. I need PJ to come in here and let's just cook together. I need us to just cuddle together. I need to call my mom, I need to call my friend.

00:05:29
Speaker 1: I need to go have a drink. So when you have higher in your mind, the positive and the things that calm your nervous system as opposed to always going back and relying to trauma to help you push through, then it's.

00:05:41
Speaker 3: Better for me, so much better. It's so much better. What is like just thinking about your life and looking at the resume and stuff? What is how many years? Twelve thirteen years? In reality? Yeah, I think it's over a time, but.

00:05:55
Speaker 1: Yeah it's yeah, it's probably eleven.

00:05:57
Speaker 3: Yeah. How does that shape your view of your yourself, your view of the world, Because at first you're performing, right, so you probably don't even get it, But then it starts. It's like a mirror back to you, right, and then what people think of you is another mirror back to you, right. And then I could imagine that that almost informs if you're not strong and you're not mindful, it could inform how you see yourself true right.

00:06:20
Speaker 2: For me, it was I really had to figure it out because I was I people pleased to get used too much. But I was the type of person where with men and different situations as I was growing up, every other things are more important than what I was doing in my life, you know, hence my first marriage. You know, I owned businesses, I was very successful, I owned property, but when I got married, it was like, oh, no, let me go do this, let me go be a wife, and let everything that I had worked for go. So my self worth was really somewhere else other than with me. And I did see myself through other people's eyes, mostly you know, men or job or whoever would like me at the time. And so in reality TV, I was so naive and just thinking, oh, I'm just gonna get on TV and I want to show my beautiful life and you know, my perfect marriage and now yeah, and you know, in your real life, who walks up to you and says they don't like you, who walks up to you and judges you, no one.

00:07:18
Speaker 1: So it really was a shock, like, oh my god, like.

00:07:22
Speaker 2: Someone is really taken to heart that I said something silly, like they're really judging me off of that or whatever. And it took a moment for me not to read the comments and just kind of frame myself as this character that everybody was making me into because reality TV is going to sensationalize the part that's entertaining for me. I'm super goofy, I'm like down home country. I say funny things, even on purpose to make people laugh. But on TV it just made me into like a particular box. And so over the years I realized that the only way this is where I am now doing the show now that I'm back, the only way that I can do is really be just me.

00:08:01
Speaker 1: I have to stand on everything.

00:08:03
Speaker 2: Nobody can give me a storyline, Nobody can tell me what to say, Nobody can do any of that. It literally has to be how I feel, and the cameras are just watching me live my life.

00:08:12
Speaker 1: And with being in that way, I.

00:08:15
Speaker 2: Don't care what anybody has to say. I don't care really will come no comments and things like that. They don't bother me at all, because a lot of times you're only seeing again back to a snapshot, you've seen a piece of my life, or you're seeing the beginning of a story, and you have to let things play out. And so I am now a very confident person because at the end of the day, I know everything's going to work out for my good I know, I move with love. I'm not trying to hurt anybody. Will I still make mistakes, hell yeah, Like of course I'll still make mistakes, but it's nothing that I'm trying to hurt anybody. It's nothing that I can't take accountability for. And so when you live that kind of life. At this point, I want to say this season for me, it was one of the best.

00:08:56
Speaker 3: It was.

00:08:57
Speaker 1: It was.

00:08:57
Speaker 3: Yeah, it really You're more free, right or yes.

00:09:01
Speaker 2: And I'm very I'm very direct. Yeah, I've become a very upfront person. And because that's what I want back. I think when you.

00:09:11
Speaker 3: God, it's so much easier, it's so much easier. But when you have people who've been in.

00:09:15
Speaker 2: Your life who you felt were not direct with you, lie to you, we're not loyal to you, et cetera. Me I want people to reciprocate it. So if I want you to reciprocate it, I gotta give it to you.

00:09:26
Speaker 1: If I'm gonna.

00:09:27
Speaker 2: Expect you to always be honest with me and tell me if I bothered you, if I've done something, if we have issue or whatever, then I need to do the same with you. So it's uncomfortable with the new relationships that I have with friends and things, but it's a truer relationship, Like you already know, this is how I am in a relationship, this is how I friend, And you know you're the likely that you don't.

00:09:49
Speaker 3: But at least you can make a choice based on something real.

00:09:51
Speaker 2: You can make a choice based on sound stand real exactly. And really I used to not want to be around people who are like I am now because you know, you kind of like people back and then I used to like people just go along and get along, have a good time, but no, you have to have tougher conversations to really like build a good foundation with people. So I'm very I'm very intentional.

00:10:10
Speaker 3: Now, what makes a good friend.

00:10:14
Speaker 2: Well, I can just speak from where I am. I don't have a lot of friends because I'm not that trusting and I've been through some traumatic things and friendships, things that I've called things that people have done to me. So for me, it's just a person who understands how I am and I understand how they are. If you're not the type of person who needs to see me every week or talk every day on the phone, then that's cool. But when I see you, I love you, I miss you, it's like we never skip time. Those type of people who allow other friends to live life, but you're still there for them when they need them. That's a real friend. That's the type of that's really the only kind of friend that I can have because I'm busy living life.

00:10:52
Speaker 1: I'm busy trying to survive out here.

00:10:53
Speaker 3: It shouldn't be like another responsibility. Yeah, like another job. Yeah.

00:10:58
Speaker 2: Those people who you call and it's like, oh, I have hurt him you or I was trying to call you or I was hey, what's up?

00:11:03
Speaker 3: How you been? Like you good?

00:11:05
Speaker 1: It's like you know what I'm saying, Do you need anything? What you're working on?

00:11:08
Speaker 3: Like that?

00:11:09
Speaker 2: Those are the because life is life and for a lot of people, you never know what people are dealing with. I mean, I dressed up and put on makeup in a wig every day and every day it is not glamorous for me.

00:11:21
Speaker 1: Every day is not the best day.

00:11:22
Speaker 2: So when you meet someone you really want to check on them where they are right, then don't go badge with them because you haven't.

00:11:28
Speaker 1: Talked to them.

00:11:29
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's a waste of time. Time.

00:11:31
Speaker 2: You don't wasted ten minutes of the phone call, and I actually wuldn't get off and now I gotta go yeah, now I gotta go long, you know, like, yeah.

00:11:40
Speaker 3: It's so funny. It's so funny. So what about this? So there's a new season, yes, and new and the Trader Show. So you have how many jobs? How many jobs?

00:11:51
Speaker 2: You have?

00:11:51
Speaker 3: The product projects?

00:11:52
Speaker 1: Yes?

00:11:53
Speaker 3: I had products? Yeah, projects, the products.

00:11:56
Speaker 1: Projects, products, that's true. Actually you got a new boo.

00:11:59
Speaker 2: You gotta okay, you gotta have your hand and everything, you know. For me being I didn't just want to be known as a reality star. I did want to be the top of my reality TV world. But outside of that, I want to build my own brand. So I've always been a businesswoman, so I had to be able to monetize all of this fame and people paying me attention and wanting to purchase something from me. So I started Pepper by Porscha Sheets, and I started from my mom. She actually hooked me up with the vendor, and I started because the line of sheets feel just like the sheet she had on her bed, and I used to love being in my mommy's bed. So they really when people say I look at sheets are so soft.

00:12:37
Speaker 1: I'm like, I know, I know. That's a part of home for me.

00:12:40
Speaker 2: And then I started Go Naked Hair after my first divorce because I just lost my self confidence totally and I used hair to express myself to like fake it till you make it, if you will, you know what I'm saying, Like, if I needed to handle business, I'm putting on a bob. If I need curly hair, I want to feel fun and free, I put on my curly wigs. So to me, we women, we express ourselves through hair. And so that's how Go Naked started, and then you know, Housewives of course, and then Traders was really fun.

00:13:08
Speaker 1: That's the super huge show.

00:13:10
Speaker 2: That I don't really know what to expect when I got there, but a lot of people when you watch the show, you get immersed into it, like the mystery of it all.

00:13:18
Speaker 1: But it's very intense in actually doing the show. But yeah, it's very intense because you're in situations to where you're having to prove yourself and convince people that you think should automatically believe you. It's like, what you know, I didn't say that or do that or this. So yeah, so Traders was fun. Traders was fun. And then I'm also doing a podcast with my sister.

00:13:42
Speaker 2: And of course yes, yes, yes, so that's we'll be starting that in the new year.

00:13:47
Speaker 1: Nice.

00:13:47
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah yeah, and then two other shows that are coming up. But yeah, I try to stay busy. But to be honest with you, as busy as I am, I decided before I retired from Housewives, before took a high, that I was going to have blocks.

00:14:02
Speaker 1: Of time in there for my family.

00:14:04
Speaker 2: So even though it seems like I'm always busy, I do still have a lot of downtime. You schedule it out, I schedule it out.

00:14:10
Speaker 1: It's priority. Yeah, yeah, that's good, and I'm priority.

00:14:13
Speaker 3: Yeah. We forget that, we don't. We forget that. I do it too, And then I wait something all the way beat down. So I'm like, yeah, you you know, we have.

00:14:24
Speaker 2: Managers, we have people who handle things for us, but you have to have your best interest in handle yourself. Yeah, and you have to say, you know what, Okay, I've been going, going going for two weeks straight. No, no, no, I need this whole weekend or I need this whole half a week. And I'll let you know when I'm ready to work again.

00:14:38
Speaker 1: You gotta do that.

00:14:38
Speaker 3: Yeah, I was seeing something about some of the stereotypes of reality and then also like how different reality personalities are treated versus how others are treated. You've been able to kind of like push past that with it, maybe just because of your business and your personality. Why do you think that is? What do you attribute that to you being in to kind of like push past where some people get stuck.

00:15:04
Speaker 2: Well, reality TV is one hundred percent entertainment one percent. There are feel good moments, there's things that you can relate to. That's why we all watch it, right, But at the end of the day, people like to put it in its own box and the people who are on it. But at the same time, everybody, if they had the opportunity to be on reality TV show, they would want to be on it. They would want to do exactly what we're doing. But it's kind of fun to poke fun at the people who are doing It's.

00:15:31
Speaker 3: Like an easy target.

00:15:32
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're sharing my life and I'm making mistakes and I'm going through different things, and it's easier to point and judge it. But if we put a camera on you and what you're doing in your life, how would that feel?

00:15:43
Speaker 3: So for me.

00:15:44
Speaker 2: I don't really think too heavy on what box reality TV puts me in because I'm Porsche and I do many many different things. I've hosted TV shows before, I've done a lot of different things. So I feel like when you are talented and you can kind of branch out, then it helps you come out of that box, like you can have fans and supporters in different places and most of all own what you do.

00:16:10
Speaker 1: You know, I think a lot of times people.

00:16:12
Speaker 2: Judge reality stars like they're just silly or whatever, which sometimes just we are. Okay, I think I could be the funniest and silliest one, but I respect what it is.

00:16:21
Speaker 1: I respect that I.

00:16:22
Speaker 2: Am sharing my life and that a lot of women that I meet can relate to me. They talk to me about different things that I've been through and they match it and how I've helped them by telling my story or showing something that normally somebody wouldn't want to talk about that's embarrassing.

00:16:36
Speaker 1: So I lean into it.

00:16:38
Speaker 2: You know, even if I am dating someone, you know, you have to come into it with confidence because people will make you feel like, oh, you're.

00:16:44
Speaker 1: Doing that show. No, I do this show.

00:16:47
Speaker 2: Yes, I'm a reality star and this is what we do, and this is how I use my platform, and these are the things that have I've benefited from it.

00:16:54
Speaker 3: So yeah, I just have you ever been in a situation where somebody didn't want to be part of that world but wanted to be part of your world privately? Yeah? Yeah, even dating, I would imagine.

00:17:08
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was single for a long time after my first divorce and I went to go see a dating you did a matchmaker, and a lot of the matches once they realized that I was on a reality show, they didn't want to match.

00:17:23
Speaker 3: Wow.

00:17:24
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it wasn't like them filming.

00:17:27
Speaker 3: Did you feel a way about it?

00:17:29
Speaker 2: I felt like, even though you would think that my pool of dating is huge, it's really not. I mean, once you take out the cheaters and you know, the people who just are horrible in relationships and the people who don't want to be a part of reality trauma, it's very it's a very, very very small dating pool. And then also you have to think about if someone is dating you and you're in the public eye at all, you know, are they an opportunist? You know, something that they want from you to do they want to use that, So it's it can be really tough to try to just side how you're gonna maneuver that.

00:18:01
Speaker 3: For real? You ever notice how everything keeps going up? I mean rent is going up, Streaming services are going up. Even like your favorite burrito places all of a sudden wants to charge you for salsa. You go to the supermarket, they want to charge you extra for the bag.

00:18:14
Speaker 1: It's kind of crazy out here.

00:18:16
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00:18:51
Speaker 2: I think that I'm still learning, for sure, And I really try to make sure that someone has their own like you know what I mean, I don't think that I can really speak on that because I thought I had it figured out with my last situation, but I didn't. I thought that fame and social media will be the last thing that someone will be a part of who I chose, and it was absolutely the number one.

00:19:19
Speaker 1: Thing that they wanted. So yeah, yeah, so I you know. And so once I realized that, I was like, well, hell, you know, Okay, I guess you just don't know. You just never know.

00:19:31
Speaker 2: So for me, I just go off of what I feel, you know, And I try to even though I do and know as much as I said I'm going to keep my relationship, my relationship private.

00:19:43
Speaker 1: It's hard to do for me.

00:19:44
Speaker 2: Number one, Just as who I am when I am and when I'm happy, I want to express that I'm happy, like I'm.

00:19:52
Speaker 1: Just I show it.

00:19:53
Speaker 2: You're an open book, you know, and so I want to express it. And then of course, not only do I want to express it, there's a mic in my face asking me about it.

00:20:05
Speaker 3: Oh, so you're trying to keep You're trying it out. Though you're trying to keep, we are trying to your new situation. Learning that as private as possible.

00:20:14
Speaker 1: Yeah, get yes. I mean, you know, I have some old habits, which is I.

00:20:20
Speaker 2: Love out loud, you know, and I am living in my truth and I'm open with where I am in my life, you know. But that doesn't mean you should be dragging someone else into.

00:20:30
Speaker 3: Into all your crazy world, you know, so, I especially when it's still and you're still trying to figure it out exactly. But you do make headlines when you were married to two men and then you say a woman, that's gonna automatically.

00:20:44
Speaker 1: That's gonna automatically automatically.

00:20:46
Speaker 3: People got questions.

00:20:49
Speaker 2: And I'm not lying when I say I really thought it was the worst kept secret. But I think seeing me say it was the worst kept secret because over the years I have definitely spoke about dating, not dating women, but you know, being with women before.

00:21:06
Speaker 1: But dating is different dating.

00:21:07
Speaker 3: I've never you never dated women. I've never so before it was like experimental or just swarring or explore, exploring, exploration, exploration.

00:21:19
Speaker 1: I'm just exploring all parts of who I am.

00:21:23
Speaker 2: And I you know, I know people are like, oh, you know, she shouldn't why this is my life?

00:21:29
Speaker 1: And you know, people ask me questions.

00:21:32
Speaker 2: Again, I am not going to feel ashamed of how I feel or at this point in my life. It doesn't mean that anything in my past wasn't real. It just means this is also another part of who I am. It's so funny. People in my comments are life. She's lived nine lives, and it's so funny because my family we've said that I have.

00:21:49
Speaker 1: And I don't think that there's an issue with you reinventing yourself. I don't think there's an issue with you exploring a different side of who you are. I think in my world, I have been beat down enough for who I am to the point where I don't care what anybody has to say, and so I'm just not.

00:22:06
Speaker 2: Going to hide anything. You know, I am going to try to be private moving forward.

00:22:10
Speaker 3: Right about the relationship.

00:22:12
Speaker 2: Yeah, details and things like that, but I'm more interested. I thought it was I never writing for me to live out loud more.

00:22:18
Speaker 3: So than the details of this relationship or any relationship. But I think it's I don't know. I think it's uh, it's like kind of inspiring that you don't have fear, Like you said, you've never dated a woman before, the fact that you're freely open to that and then open to letting people see that you're doing that is interesting.

00:22:35
Speaker 2: It wasn't as easy. After the aftermath wasn't as easy. What do you mean, the after mask wasn't as easy. So me, me being a spontaneous person and you know, really into someone and wanting to share it, and yes, this is brand new Portia is dating a woman. Yes, that is something that shocked everyone. And as I was doing it felt natural to me, felt like a natural transition. It's my real life, it's how I feel, and I'm really into this person. However, I then just had to kind of really think about what was actually happening. I had to take a step back and say, wow, like, you know, I introduced my family, and then it's people with the labels and it's like, oh, she's coming out and she's this and this label and that. I'm like, well, I'm just me. I am just showing and operating in another side of me. So I don't really have that need to want to label anything at all. I just I've made a joke and I'm like, I'm just poorsious sexual. I am just I'm just poortious sexual. I am comfortable, and you know, it really wasn't so much freedom. It is absolutely a freedom, especially when you have your family support for sure. I think if my family were side eyeing me and different things like that, it would have felt been more of a coming out, a hard luck coming out story of some other some other people have experienced with me. The support and just the love of knowing that if I'm happy, they're happy. And I think that's how this transition has happened. It hasn't felt like some huge change going on natural to you, It's very natural and to me, I'm more so attracted to the person. It really wasn't about her being a woman, although she is an absolutely gorgeous, beautiful woman, and really.

00:24:32
Speaker 3: Trying not to talk about her, but you can't even help and look at you, you look at you. I'm trying not to ask. I know, I know, And this is how I am.

00:24:44
Speaker 1: I'm a lover girl.

00:24:46
Speaker 2: I am such a lover girl. Again, I was alone for a while, you know what I mean. I mean I know that people are like, oh, this is what you filed and this is this, but you know, you feel a lone way before.

00:24:56
Speaker 1: You actually chile and you leave and then you go through.

00:24:59
Speaker 2: This long, hard lonely, stressful, divorce and then all of that, and honestly, I was so numb for so long that I just didn't know if I was going to be able to feel like this the same way I didn't know if I was going to be able to make it back to Porsche. And that's why I celebrate myself right now. And I really don't have a mind or space to think about anybody else's opinion or anything, because I fought hard to be here, Like ending this year, people talk to me and I'm like, I'm just glad to be in my right mind.

00:25:31
Speaker 1: Like people don't know how.

00:25:32
Speaker 2: Much you deal with in life, of course, and yeah, they have no idea. And me in this industry, I always have to pretty it up right. Who wants to be on somebody's Instagram and they look like, you know what, was me at every moment. So it's my job to put on a wig and lashes and do my job and look good. But it's also my job to take care of Porsche. And thank God that I am where I am so just as thankful as I to be back and feel like I can really have a good gut laugh again, really hug my daughter and feel her energy again, really appreciate family again. It's the same way I'm happy that I actually have butterflies again and I can feel, you know what I'm saying, excited about someone again. That those two things is something that I really do. Chaerish right now for sure, that's beautiful.

00:26:22
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's so many women that well men too. The people go through divorce and it hits hard for people. Yeah, what what was the And you you have to like you say, put your lasses on, in your wig on, Well, what what was that moment like? And then how do you pick yourself back up? Like what does the dark moment feel like? And I don't know for you, what was that experience?

00:26:43
Speaker 1: You know?

00:26:44
Speaker 2: I want to say is you know, I don't want to talk much about him because it just brings up so much, but I can speak about my experience and what I feel like I lost. You lose the future that you were working on. You lose like your biggest job on earth, your biggest blessing, the biggest thing that you're hoping for to happen for a long period of time. You lose that and when it happens, it rocks your world. I mean I truly identify as a wife when I am married, I really do, and I'm locked in and I want to give my all. I mean, I'm a cancer. I'm such a nurturer, like I want to take care of everyone, and I especially want to take care of my family, and I wanted to I don't want to be successful at that.

00:27:28
Speaker 1: And also I'm very intentional.

00:27:30
Speaker 2: So each day I want to make you happy, and I hope that you want to make me happy. And when those things break suddenly, the way I had to end it, it was devastating. But then I also had to pick the pieces up and it had to go to work. You know, you got to keep going. You got to keep going and going and going. And I reached a point that where I realized, like, if I just keep going, you may end up still successful, you may end up still finishing out everything that you're trying to do, but you're going to be empty and you could be bitter. And so I took time and I said, you know what, I'm going to start doing things for me, and I cut my days in half. And if I needed to stay in the bed all day and cry, if I need to stay in the bed all day and watch TV, or doom scroll or whatever, rotten bed, whatever it was, I would take those times and do it.

00:28:19
Speaker 1: If I had content I needed to do, I.

00:28:21
Speaker 2: Would load up two days and just you know, two or three days and just kill a killer killer and then make sure I had Saturday Sunday to do absolutely nothing to look like crap, you know what I'm saying. So I really had to figure out what I could do to put me first, and most of it was me praying and having to go into myself. I had to take accountability for my part, choices that I made, ways, things that had things that had shaped two I was in my past to make me choose that situation, make me ignore certain things. And when you take accountability from the very beginning and say, ooh this was a pattern and you thought you could cover it up with overdoing this, are overdoing that or over compensating here and there, when you forgive yourself along the way and you really so search and decide, Okay, I see where I see where they could have gone wrong. Maybe I could have Maybe it's not so much as the other person. Just you're speaking up for yourself more. Hey, I don't think you've really looked at me in my eyes in a while. Hey, I don't know if I don't, I don't feel our connection. Just some of the things that you could do along the way, ask for what you need instead of trying to just please. And even though that doesn't sound like such a horrible thing, in the end, it can be because you just end up a shadow.

00:29:35
Speaker 1: You just end up.

00:29:37
Speaker 3: When you said that, you said you always you want to serve you. You're like, you put so much until you want to be a great wife. Yeah, not you want somebody to be a great partner for you, right, which is different. You're right.

00:29:50
Speaker 1: As long as it looked like a good partner for me, I was okay with it, because.

00:29:54
Speaker 3: Then you get to be you can be the good wife without receiving.

00:29:57
Speaker 1: Yeah, a good part in the long run, you're not and receive it. In the long run, you're not. You're not.

00:30:02
Speaker 2: You're gonna have to pick someone who at the root and the base of who you are, they can appreciate that person without all without me coming in doing everything.

00:30:14
Speaker 1: I think men and some people they do love bomb.

00:30:18
Speaker 2: But I didn't realize I do it too, Like I'll come in and I want to be your everything, Like.

00:30:22
Speaker 1: I mean you know, seriously, like I mean to you girl, yeah yeah, But I also.

00:30:29
Speaker 2: Make sure it's reciprocated now, you know, make sure I'm feeling it back, because I'll forget and next thing I know, I've overloved and I'm not receiving it back the way I needed to be received.

00:30:40
Speaker 3: You get angry, or you get well sad lonely like.

00:30:43
Speaker 2: I get sad and lonely, and I feel empty. And when you wake up and you have everything and you still feel empty, something isn't right.

00:30:52
Speaker 1: Life is too short.

00:30:54
Speaker 2: And I really truly think about life as being this one experience that God has given us. I don't know what's gonna happened when I leave this earth, but I do know right now I am blessed and I can be fulfilled. I have a beautiful daughter, beautiful mother, family, sister, everything, and I have one way to deal with it, one way to handle my life. And am I gonna think about it and just think about what someone else wants and live a negative life glass half empty? Or am I gonna look at it and say what can I do to own my world? What can I do? And if I do what I want to do, will it shake something up. Yeah, but whatever shakes up.

00:31:28
Speaker 1: I didn't need it.

00:31:29
Speaker 3: I didn't need it.

00:31:30
Speaker 2: It's okay, you know what I mean. I didn't know what was gonna happen with me coming out, you know, I didn't know if people were going to accept it.

00:31:37
Speaker 1: I have definitely.

00:31:38
Speaker 3: Received a lot of native negatively.

00:31:41
Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure, I definitely have. But that's okay.

00:31:43
Speaker 3: It's not the it's not the first you put that in quotes. But that's the real thing. I was thinking because we interviewed Janelle Monet on the podcast one time and she was talking about the responsibility. It's all of a sudden, It's like if you are a dated woman or however you identify, all of a sudden, there's the you have to represent all of the community.

00:32:04
Speaker 1: Right.

00:32:05
Speaker 3: It's like, I don't know something about the label that can be overwhelming for people, any label, I'm sure. Well, even when.

00:32:12
Speaker 2: I was vegan, I mean, I was like, well, goodness, you're not diet. It's not I'm not living the vegan lifestyle.

00:32:18
Speaker 3: So you're vegan ambassador. I'm not.

00:32:21
Speaker 2: But you know, this is the position I'm in, is the platform I've been platform I've been given, and.

00:32:28
Speaker 1: People do take it. Seriously.

00:32:29
Speaker 2: Yeah, so I would like my way to look how it is. And no, you may not be able to necessarily label it, and that's okay, that's okay everybody, but you can do the same thing. You don't have to label yourself either. We're all just the human rings. You're trying to figure it out. Do you not label yourself or do you label yourself in which way just in terms of like sexuality or oh no, I've never thought about it. It's not something that I necessarily thought about.

00:32:56
Speaker 3: You haven't thought about it at all.

00:32:57
Speaker 1: I love how I love you know what I mean.

00:32:59
Speaker 2: And it wasn't something to think about because dating a woman is new to me, so it wasn't something I even had to deal with.

00:33:06
Speaker 3: No, it sounds like if you date race, like if you date if you date black men your whole life, and then all of a sudden, at forty years old, you're like, I'm gonna try dating this white guy. You gotta think about it, Like therese thoughts that, like this is gonna be different. I think Christmas dinner, I feel different.

00:33:21
Speaker 2: You think more right, you think more about the details. But I was trying to not overthink it because I felt like if I were to overthink it, then I.

00:33:33
Speaker 1: Wouldn't go for it.

00:33:34
Speaker 2: I wouldn't allow myself to get to know something different. You know, you're just open. Yeah, And so I just decided to be open. I mean, I'm sitting in the passage to see the car, like, oh my gosh.

00:33:50
Speaker 3: I'm dating her. Was like, wow, you know, like you're some utifal you know, it's just it's I don't know that is so cute? Is it is?

00:34:02
Speaker 2: And and also there's a part of looking at someone who you match with or hoping. I met with for a long time, but I'm matching with now when you see yourself in them, See that is calming, Like it's she is a part of me. It's not like I'm dating someone who is foreign to me. I mean I have our characteristics and things are very similar.

00:34:27
Speaker 1: Yeah. So you know, it's the same thing with men.

00:34:30
Speaker 2: You know, I like a man who's like calm and very nurturing and very sweet because I can be calm, nurturing and sweet. I'm not gonna pick like an asshole. So like, you know, when it comes to sometimes they'll turn into it.

00:34:43
Speaker 1: Oh baby, they'll turn into it.

00:34:45
Speaker 3: But I don't know, I just I we.

00:34:48
Speaker 1: Were very very similar, were very very similar, and sweet.

00:34:52
Speaker 3: You seem so happy I am.

00:34:56
Speaker 2: Yeah, because guess what, you know, people live their life and they're really afraid to be who they are there really are. I mean, think about it, nobody if my page's just calm, like the way it was before all of this, people rather stay right there where it's comfortable, and you end up living a comfortable life.

00:35:13
Speaker 1: But is it your truest self. Is it where you really should be, where you're really gonna thrive? Maybe not so. Yeah, I have disrupted things.

00:35:21
Speaker 2: But it's like me standing in the middle of a tornado and I'm smiling, you know what I'm saying, Like, yeah, y'all go crazy, but I feel amazing.

00:35:29
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying.

00:35:30
Speaker 3: I feel good, And that is the beautiful way to say that.

00:35:35
Speaker 4: Yeah, like, there's a tornado, y'all could have a tornado all y'all want swirl on like, but I'm just smiling inside the tornadoes and get.

00:35:44
Speaker 2: That spiration will calm down and then people will look back and say, Wow, that's actually pretty inspiring that she just went for.

00:35:53
Speaker 1: It like that.

00:35:54
Speaker 3: Yeah, what I mean, I was gonna say that that's inspiring to somebody who has to do something that might be against the grain in any way to what their community or whatever is and what it's like. What do you like? You said this one life? What are you gonna do? You waste your time making everybody feel comfortable and warm and fuzzy.

00:36:12
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, and I and again, I don't want to sit here like I am the all knowing, the all knowing I mean I am.

00:36:19
Speaker 1: It's still brand new to me. I'm still figuring everything out.

00:36:24
Speaker 3: But you are what you are and your truth.

00:36:27
Speaker 2: I am I am, and I think that's the best way to be. I just can't say enough. And people ask me a many questions about it, what about this? And how's that part?

00:36:35
Speaker 1: And I don't know.

00:36:39
Speaker 3: Like, here's the thing.

00:36:40
Speaker 2: When you're dating, let's say a man, you don't know if it's going to last. You don't know what's going to happen that relationship.

00:36:46
Speaker 1: Why do I have to have all the answers.

00:36:47
Speaker 3: Right now, right now?

00:36:49
Speaker 2: Enjoying and curious? Yes, they're like, how what's happening? I'm like, relaxed, go Google, like it's on the internet.

00:37:01
Speaker 1: Honey, I'm not the first.

00:37:03
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00:38:49
Speaker 2: You survived two divorces, yeah, and an engagement.

00:38:53
Speaker 3: And an engagement and I'm sure other things probably things that people with people that's people probably think.

00:39:01
Speaker 1: Yeah, they don't have to think too much. I wrote a book. I know, yeah, you read the book, Yeah, The Pursuit of Porsche.

00:39:09
Speaker 2: And I really wish I could re release that book because it really I really said a lot of things in the book I had never even said before, you know, just me speaking about in my twenties through abuse from men, and you know, when you go through things like that, you kind of push it down. And I think that was a part of me when I first got married, of just throwing that person away and putting myself worth only in my ex husband because it was like, oh, I've been through all this and yeah, I accomplished all this, and yes I'm where I am. But you know what, it don't mean anything. What do you want me to be? What do you want me to do? How do you want me to live my life for you? And I don't even know where did you learn what just to be that way?

00:39:51
Speaker 3: Like what why did you think you had to?

00:39:53
Speaker 2: Well when I was when I was much younger, I was I'm still an introvert, but I was very much an introvert when I was a child, to the point to where I would just come home and be in my room every single day, and I would have my own show set up. I had like a whole table setup. I would gather things from around the house and have basically Porsche's World, which is like a QBC. And so I would entertain myself every afternoon by myself. I like, I actually do it for a living now, which is crazy, but yeah, I have my own TV show.

00:40:22
Speaker 1: But basically I was just you.

00:40:24
Speaker 2: Know, very alone and isolated as a child. And then I also always dealt with depression throughout the years, and I don't think I truly understood that it was depression until I got, you know, much older. And so when I would feel vulnerable and have no self worth, and really when my depression showed up, I had zero hope.

00:40:44
Speaker 1: Like I would actually feel like the world is ending.

00:40:47
Speaker 2: And then you have someone who's looking at you until you're beautiful or you're this or you're that.

00:40:51
Speaker 1: Then you are like putting in their hands.

00:40:53
Speaker 2: And so I think that was the beginning of people say, people pleasing, but it was just like man pleasing at the time, and I would.

00:40:59
Speaker 3: Just you found your worth in your mail or whatever ship.

00:41:04
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, and then the abuse, what happened, and then that takes so much from you when.

00:41:09
Speaker 3: You pray on that type of personality.

00:41:11
Speaker 2: By the way, yeah, absolutely, yeah most of the time those are narcissists. Yeah, and you know, you find yourself in those relationships. And when I was young, the bad part about it is when I would be abused by someone, I stayed and I never really understood like how like I think when out because when my thirties stopped after my wedding, my first marriage, I never got secially abused again in my thirties forties and nothing. I haven't been in abuseum, but it happened all through my twenties, and like why would I stay? Like what do you think what was missing in me to stay?

00:41:46
Speaker 1: And I don't know.

00:41:47
Speaker 2: I think it was just me wanting to be whatever that person wanted and I just didn't have self worth.

00:41:52
Speaker 1: So through the years I have to take the time to look at what I've done and celebrate my self and put that on the side of my self worth.

00:42:04
Speaker 2: I am worthy. I'm worthy of someone to love me. I'm worthy of someone to respect me. I'm worthy of someone not to speak down on me or you know, take from me in different situations. I'm worthy enough for you not to do that all on my own. It's nothing that you need to give me or show me.

00:42:19
Speaker 1: I'm worthy of that on my own.

00:42:21
Speaker 2: So I always talk about having self work, because when you don't have that, then that's when you fall prey to people who want to take advantage of you.

00:42:28
Speaker 3: For sure, that's when they swoop in. And it's usually when you're young and you haven't developed that kind of exactly. Yeah.

00:42:35
Speaker 1: Yeah, and people they can sense it. Yeah, I'm saying they can sense it.

00:42:38
Speaker 3: It's so true. Did you get any did you like when you were going through the depression? What was triggering the depression? So I.

00:42:48
Speaker 1: Went through depression my really, my whole life. Yeah, and you're so like, I know.

00:42:54
Speaker 3: You're so just a bundle of joy and smiles and it's just those are some of the.

00:43:01
Speaker 1: Main ones I would have to say, really my whole life.

00:43:06
Speaker 2: I have these bouts with depression. I have, you know, tried to commit suicide like twice. But I want to say, that's why I really wanted a child, That's why I really wanted and needed Polar And that's why I call her my life saver, because I knew if I had her, she would be what I would live for, my actual life saver, and she was. I have definitely dealt with depression after her, But I really pay attention to the triggers, and I really when I can feel it coming on, I start to get I start to move.

00:43:40
Speaker 1: What do I need to do?

00:43:40
Speaker 3: What is it? You don't just let it happen?

00:43:43
Speaker 2: No, no, no no, Because when I lean into it, it's over with.

00:43:46
Speaker 1: Once I start.

00:43:47
Speaker 2: Closing the blinds to turn the phone off, TV's off, it's over with the devil.

00:43:52
Speaker 1: Your mind is.

00:43:52
Speaker 2: Speaking to you, and you will forget that you have a whole life that's abundant.

00:43:57
Speaker 1: You truly will.

00:43:58
Speaker 2: It doesn't matter that my mother and I are super close. It doesn't matter that my my sister is there for me. It does not matter how many friends would like to lift me up. It doesn't matter at that moment. Your world is in that room, in that in that silent room, that silent dark room, that's it dark. So for me, when I feel like coming on, which like I said, it happens, still, sometimes I get up, you know what I mean, It's like, Okay, let me go to the gym or something. Let me like at least walk around the house. Let me get in the car, like people see me in the land. I'm like sitting at a restaurant by myself eating. Just move around, do something.

00:44:34
Speaker 3: You cut it off at the path. I try to cut it off at the path. Yeah, I really do. And have you done? Like have you gotten help?

00:44:40
Speaker 2: You know, here's the thing I I did go to someone probably about it was probably about maybe six months ago, oh recently, yeah, six.

00:44:54
Speaker 1: Or seven months ago.

00:44:56
Speaker 2: And now now I have to say that I don't think you was just regular depression.

00:45:02
Speaker 1: I think it was hormonal.

00:45:04
Speaker 2: That's what I was wondering, pre mental puzzle because it was hitting me like a break.

00:45:09
Speaker 1: Like I literally sat in her office.

00:45:11
Speaker 2: I said, my quality of life is not where it needs to be right now. And so she talked to me and she said, you're like on this, you're like at a seven, so meaning like if you didn't have the surroundings that you have, you could probably be like a killer, but you could be like you're on the same line as that you're in danger mentally. And I left there and I was like, oh my god, like I knew yeah, like I knew it. You know how I felt inside you feel like empty, just lethargic. I could not move, you know, I'm just eating everything. And I was like, damn, are you serious? You mean this has come back and gotten on my back to where I could, you know, harm myself or something. And I just remember thinking, I'm not gonna let that happen. And I never went back to that particular doctor. And I just rebuked it in the name G I just rebuked it, rebukes, I rebuke it.

00:46:03
Speaker 3: This is this.

00:46:03
Speaker 1: I'm not going back there.

00:46:05
Speaker 3: Wow, I'm not going back there.

00:46:06
Speaker 1: I've done the work.

00:46:07
Speaker 2: I've done the work, and I know that I can pull myself out of this. And I went to another doctor and we talked about, you know, my age and different things factoring things around it, things that I might have been deficient in. And she didn't diagnose me as being pre menopausal, but she did say, you need more vitamins, you know, you need some na D, you need some testosterone.

00:46:30
Speaker 3: You know.

00:46:31
Speaker 2: It was a lot of different things help wise that I hadn't even thought about, because when you go to your primary doctor, they're just doing the.

00:46:36
Speaker 3: Right educated as they should be in perimanopauspause, They're not overall, I didn't actually feel depressed.

00:46:45
Speaker 2: I just knew I could move, and when I worked, I was only working and thinking about my bed. How can I get back to my bed? Like literally, I swear to God, everything I did was to get right back home in my bed and shut that door. And I remember telling my telling Dennis, my child's father. I remember crying to him in the car one day and I said, I don't know what's going on. I said, but when I hugged Polar, I can't feel it, and.

00:47:13
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh no. I was like, oh, I can't.

00:47:18
Speaker 2: Let that happen because I always talk about my life experience, but what's most important to me is Polar's life experience. And as close as I am with my mother and as much as I need her, I never want to not be here for her. So even though I don't know if I can put myself first for me, I can put myself first for her, and I can fight for me for her so that I can be here for her.

00:47:41
Speaker 1: And so after I admitted that to him, because you do have.

00:47:45
Speaker 3: To end up saying it out loud, yeah, it was hard to confight in him. It's hard for you to say right now, Yeah it is.

00:47:52
Speaker 2: And him being my co parent, I knew I needed to tell him because we are her her keepers, and so I admitted it to him, and I finally admitted it to my mom, which was also hard because my family's a very strong family. Mostly in black families, we don't admit things like this. We don't talk about it.

00:48:10
Speaker 3: Too much when you're down, you know.

00:48:13
Speaker 2: And maybe it was down last month, you know, but I'm back up. But like for me to like admit it in real time, it was it was tough. And like I said, it just didn't look like it. You could look anywhere in my life and you would not see that I was sad or depressed or anything.

00:48:28
Speaker 1: But it was there and they found it.

00:48:31
Speaker 2: And so, like I said, I just went into heavy, heavy prayer and I just really crawled and fought my way out of it. And I never, like I said, I never got into medication or anything like that.

00:48:42
Speaker 1: And I do feel much much better. I definitely I do.

00:48:45
Speaker 2: I have a new therapist now, and I tell her the truth, you know, because I was like these therapists is once I tell him. Like I told my sister, I said, every time I tell the therapist the truth, they tell me.

00:48:56
Speaker 3: I'm depressed.

00:48:56
Speaker 2: So I'm like, I ain't gonna be telling them everything. You gotta, you know, try to put me in award.

00:49:04
Speaker 3: But no.

00:49:05
Speaker 1: So this particular therapist, I told her the truth and I've been talking to her and I'm She's like, you're good. I love the way you're handling things.

00:49:13
Speaker 2: We have rearranged and compartmentalized my life in the way that I can handle everything. I can see what I need to do. I have my big, big box for Portie and it's filled. It's filled with everything that I need. And again that's why.

00:49:25
Speaker 1: People, you know, said, oh, she says she's standing her. No, me standing in my truth.

00:49:29
Speaker 2: Is really me, just really standing in my life whatever that is. I deal with me positively. I do not talk bad on me at all. I mean, I actually said to some one the other day when those thoughts in my mind come and I'm just thinking so negative, you know, I'm looking at me and I say, you can shut the fuck up.

00:49:52
Speaker 3: I'm gonna try that ship, try that ship. I need that ship.

00:49:57
Speaker 1: Yeah, shut the fuck up, because you will be like, oh, you're an impostle.

00:50:01
Speaker 3: You're not only never told myself to shut the fuck o.

00:50:04
Speaker 1: Yourself and you're not really you're telling that inner boy of course that hates you. There's one that hates you in this of course, God and you who loves you, and that's the one you should be really leaning into. But you gotta tell that bit to shut the fuck up, because.

00:50:17
Speaker 3: Why are you saying this to me? I just woke up.

00:50:20
Speaker 1: I'll get your ass back in the bed, lazy ass, I just walk.

00:50:23
Speaker 3: Up, am I lazy?

00:50:25
Speaker 1: You can shut the fuck suck up, like.

00:50:29
Speaker 3: For real, And I swear to you.

00:50:31
Speaker 1: I don't know what the magic is, but it works.

00:50:34
Speaker 3: It's us. It works. I'm gonna start that. That's gonna be in my new twenty twenty six okay pack, It's easy, my little bag. I'm gonna put that in the twenty twenty six bag. You can shut the fuck up right now and look dead in that mirror, you bitch.

00:50:48
Speaker 1: You hear me?

00:50:49
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, and flip your hair and go on about your damn day because we have things to handle. We are here for a reason. We have a life to live. We have people to you know, pour into. And you know, if you're walking around and you're letting that voice just tear you down, to you down, tear you down, You're not gonna really live.

00:51:08
Speaker 3: Yeah, go ahead, mama. Yeah, and wow, how much you your daughter is your savior because it was that that low moment, that's the one that took you down. Even telling me this whole story today, that's the moment that it's like the hardest for you to even to even see visit.

00:51:24
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't think about you know.

00:51:27
Speaker 2: I don't know, and I don't want to sound crazy, but when you have dealt with depression over your life, the thought of death is not that scary.

00:51:36
Speaker 1: It's just not you know, I don't think about it like other people think about it.

00:51:39
Speaker 2: Maybe I'm a little morbid, So yeah, I have thought about it so much in my past when I was in my twenties and going through that, all those things I went through that I don't think about.

00:51:50
Speaker 1: It the way other people do. It's like, really, yeah, if this experience is okay, but my daughter I will. I want to be here for her.

00:51:58
Speaker 2: I want to make sure that she has a loving mother and a protector, and then I'm here to witness her life and be there for her anytime she needs me. So being a mother has absolutely saved my life.

00:52:11
Speaker 3: Wow, that's funny. Because when we first thoughted this podcast, the first season was called We're All Gonna.

00:52:16
Speaker 5: Die ah, and everybody thought it was so dark and whatever, but it really wasn't because to me, a long time ago when we launched it, I had a bad car accident and I had this realization like, shit I could have been that could have been it?

00:52:27
Speaker 3: Yeah, and so okay, so now I'm still here. Okay, what if I only have a year or whatever? It is, like what But when you think about life and you remind yourself that we are this is time is limited for everybody. But when you remind yourself that, it forces you to make better decisions. It forces you to not waste your time doing shit you don't really want to do, or having conversations you don't really give a shit about having, and.

00:52:48
Speaker 2: It doesn't matter what it's connected to. So like a lot of people's driving force is money, you know. But I learned a long time ago, if you're doing something that is fulfilling to your spirit, then the money's gonna come. Okay, And maybe it didn't come in this one in this particular job or opportunity, right, who knows. If I don't make a lot of money in my podcast. I love to do it. It feels good to me to sit and talk to my sister and enjoy and share our life stories and funny things and antidotes. But over here, this job pays me money. So you still have to fill your life with things that are fulfilling to you. You cannot just work yourself to the bomb.

00:53:23
Speaker 3: Whether you're working a nine to five.

00:53:25
Speaker 2: Or whether you're on TV like me and you're taking all these it's all relative at the end of the day.

00:53:29
Speaker 1: Yeah, So you have to do things that are fulfilling to you.

00:53:33
Speaker 3: You have to be.

00:53:34
Speaker 2: Around people who calm your nervous system. I don't care who you are, I don't care what the job is. If this interview was uncomfortable, I love you and respect you, I would have to say, respectfully, I'm gonna have to go because when my nervous system is not settled, something is not right and I don't have to live like that. You can decide to make that choice. If I'm in a relationship with someone, I let them. If I don't feel calm with you, then that means we're not vibrating on the same space. You know, our energies don't match. Yeah, and so I really I put that anywhere I am.

00:54:09
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter in any situation.

00:54:11
Speaker 3: I'm so good.

00:54:12
Speaker 1: I like to.

00:54:12
Speaker 2: Protect my peace as you should. Got to protect my piece. I work hard for that bit of piece. And yes, I had that bit of peace, you know, when I was in a relationship and that didn't last. But I learned and I felt what that felt like, and I'll never let it go again.

00:54:29
Speaker 3: And then, so, how have the past shit your life? In the past six months, it's drastically shifted from where you were six months ago. Yeah, like that's pretty fast. No, you don't have any remnants of it? Are you still kind of on the Do you still have feelings or concerns about any type of depression or those type of states coming back? Or well you're just still today a time.

00:54:52
Speaker 2: Well, first of all, you have to try to identify what may be happening that's different for you as a woman. I can't just say, oh, I'm just a person who deals with depression. No, I'm also a woman who's forty four years old. Could it be paramenopause? You know, over my life when you look look at certain things, could I be adhd you know, like, what other things can I find out about me in order?

00:55:17
Speaker 3: Just think about it.

00:55:17
Speaker 1: If it was someone else and they had an issue like me, I'm a problem solver. If you came to me and you.

00:55:21
Speaker 2: Had an issue you wanted to solve or you wanted advice, I'm gonna ask you a manion questions to get down to it where we have something to Oh, just depression. No, it could be a chemical imbalance. It could be a number of things, and you know the box. I've gotten a couple diagnoses that have helped me be able to look at different triggers in my life, different things that I've done. There been things that I may need to change, maybe need more order in my life. I may need to clean my damn house up a little bit more. I may need to be more organized with my daughter so that I'm not rushing her or vote stressed in the mornings. There's just a lot of little things.

00:55:57
Speaker 1: Once you find out.

00:55:57
Speaker 2: How you operate and how you can make those small tweaks that can make your life better and like distress you. So for me with ADHD, it just really it just really showed me like, Okay, this is how I think.

00:56:11
Speaker 3: Did you get diagnosed with ADHD too?

00:56:13
Speaker 2: Yes, and so it's a matter of Okay, this is how I think. It's nothing wrong with how I think, but this is how I think. That's how it operates.

00:56:19
Speaker 3: ADHD probably makes for a great reality star. Well here I am. It's probably I am.

00:56:30
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, what made.

00:56:31
Speaker 3: Me like a star. Here we go. Because you have to be on, you have to have energy, like you have to be exciting to watch unpredictable, unpredictable. I'm sure that has contributed to the success. Yes, of your reality is good.

00:56:48
Speaker 1: Yes, spontaneous.

00:56:49
Speaker 3: So it's a gift that a curse. Probably it is.

00:56:52
Speaker 2: I and I look at it now as a gift, you know. And I've found I'm not medicated. What I take is LDN, which is really good. So any body out there, I hope I can spread that message that Elf Thanning is amazing. Those voices that I told you we have to tell to be quiet, elth Thanning just tells them to calm it down. It calms it for me in the mirror. It goes in the system and tell everything to shut the buck up. And it's amazing. And so it's it's a way that like if I feel high stressed or whatever, it just kind of comes down at least quiets me from overthinking, et cetera.

00:57:24
Speaker 3: Yeah, so amazing, And I'm learning more and more about it.

00:57:28
Speaker 1: You know, you start to go into research, you find.

00:57:30
Speaker 3: Out I love this journey for you, this whole journey. I love where you are. You know, it's great. I think, yes I will. I'm not going to ask you a bunch of personal questions, but I do I really value I think it's I thank you for sharing what you did share today, because I really think there is something to that. Like not letting outside noise, outside opinions, whatever, just kind of interfere with you finding or exploring. Who knows if this is your answer or not, but at least you're not afraid to see to try to do. It feels right right.

00:57:58
Speaker 2: Now, and everybody's trying to figure it out. Yeah, yeah, everybody's trying to figure it out. It's just a news cycle. If it's just beach trending for like a week, it's okay, a week or two, that's right.

00:58:06
Speaker 3: I can put the.

00:58:07
Speaker 1: Phone down, you know what I mean?

00:58:09
Speaker 2: Like, I think you know some points, as you know, public figures we forget. You can put the phone down, you can delete that app for a while.

00:58:16
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's okay, and they'll still say it and it's not going to affect you if you don't see.

00:58:20
Speaker 1: Ever freaking No, it's not until I go to dinner or something they're like, oh, did you see this?

00:58:23
Speaker 2: I'm like, you need to show that to me. Like, I'm good, let's just drink and enjoy. Yeah, you can put the phone down. Do not wake up in the morning and that's the first thing that you're looking at, you know what I mean, or the last thing that you see before you go to bed.

00:58:35
Speaker 1: Take a moment and just just live.

00:58:38
Speaker 3: By the way, not just for public figures in genera, take a moment, because if it's not a story about you, if you're not a public figure, is it is something being fed to you that is meant to either stress you out, compare you to somebody else, compare your life to somebody else's life. Like there's just so much negative putting you in the.

00:58:58
Speaker 2: Position to judge other people. And that's what social media does. It gives everybody a voice and the ability to judge and then find a community of people who are also judging.

00:59:08
Speaker 1: So now it's a good time.

00:59:09
Speaker 3: But yeah, that bitch is crazy.

00:59:13
Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, when you put your phone down, what you're doing in your life.

00:59:18
Speaker 2: You got going on boom, you know what, what did you just do that? If we knew about it, we would also judge. And then they feel empty after they are no longer in that community that's in the cell phone on social media. So live outside of all of that for sure, Like, start to do some things I'm not seeing in my community sometimes, you know, we don't, you know, get outside and do the crazy things like you know, we don't out here riding horses and playing outside and doing things.

00:59:44
Speaker 1: Get out some like do things that you wouldn't really to go rend some dirt bikes, go fishing, like you know, I'm golfing now, the greatest thing.

00:59:54
Speaker 3: It's the greatest thing. Everybody's gonna get real good.

00:59:56
Speaker 1: I mean you already look amazing.

00:59:58
Speaker 3: You're very sweet. Yes, damn, thank you, nobody. It's my thing. It's that to be outside, you in the grass, find your thing. What is your thing?

01:00:07
Speaker 2: So my thing was golf as well. I didn't know that I think was golf as well.

01:00:12
Speaker 1: Did I know that? Because I didn't post about it.

01:00:15
Speaker 3: It was my thing. It was my thing.

01:00:17
Speaker 1: So I kept it for me.

01:00:18
Speaker 3: You golf by yourself.

01:00:19
Speaker 1: I used to, but I haven't do it for a while.

01:00:21
Speaker 3: You do. I golf by myself sometimes, but when you go.

01:00:23
Speaker 1: They don't try to partner you up sometimes.

01:00:25
Speaker 3: Sometimes, but I was in a club and I could. I would book like weird hours and then I would go like when people were even It's like later in the day. I might not do a full eighteen, but I'll I get some in by myself. But I like also golfing with other people.

01:00:36
Speaker 1: That's good.

01:00:36
Speaker 3: I'm golf with strangers.

01:00:37
Speaker 2: You can go golfing strangers great because you don't have to talk about shit.

01:00:40
Speaker 1: You don't.

01:00:41
Speaker 3: You just want to know what club did you use for that? And how far did it go?

01:00:44
Speaker 1: And you know, you get on through and you can drink and enjoy your horsho.

01:00:48
Speaker 3: We're gonna be golf friends. Can we really do that?

01:00:51
Speaker 2: I would so do it when I tell you, I love it. I got my own clubs and everything.

01:00:56
Speaker 3: So do I wait a minute, where's my Look at what I have on my chair? You no, I just want this. I won the Ladies Long Drive competition at the c C Sabathia Thing. It's a little golf. This congratulations. I don't hit that far, but there wasn't that many ladies. So I want it. So I wont that it's still in there because I had it on earlier, so I had tucked it inside.

01:01:17
Speaker 1: And no, you need to keep that. You need to find your hobby.

01:01:20
Speaker 3: Come on, like we got to get off. When i'm and when I go, I don't put the phone on. There's no phone.

01:01:24
Speaker 1: There's no phone throwing off your frequency.

01:01:27
Speaker 3: For sure, it really is.

01:01:28
Speaker 1: I mean I didn't. I'm not perfect. Yes, I'm on my phone.

01:01:31
Speaker 3: I have to post I so am I.

01:01:32
Speaker 2: Okay, we do all that, but think about your frequency at the end of the day. You don't want that throwing it off. I have another secret to admit today.

01:01:39
Speaker 3: Okay.

01:01:40
Speaker 1: Tree hugger.

01:01:41
Speaker 3: What do you mean I go outside on hug trees? You don't I do? I do.

01:01:45
Speaker 2: I go outside often barefoot and I'll just ground and I have this big tree that I had been eyeing them.

01:01:52
Speaker 3: For a while.

01:01:54
Speaker 1: You don't hear about the tree huggers and like, you know, the synergy.

01:01:56
Speaker 3: I didn't know it's a real thing.

01:01:59
Speaker 2: And I was like, I'm gonna walk up to them and just see if I can hug them. And I went and I hugged them, and I just felt you automatically feel like this peace, like this one that's with the earth.

01:02:10
Speaker 1: Stop it. I'm not I'm not kidding say this, but you're also gonna go hug a tree.

01:02:15
Speaker 3: How often do you do this?

01:02:17
Speaker 1: Well, it's cold now. I haven't visited him in a while.

01:02:19
Speaker 2: Okay, you have a particular Oh yeah, he's right in the middle of the putt putt in my backyard.

01:02:25
Speaker 3: Got it, But I haven't done part of your backyard. We're gonna be friendly. I want to come to your house.

01:02:31
Speaker 1: The next interview was at my house.

01:02:33
Speaker 3: Okay, fine, it's at my house.

01:02:34
Speaker 5: Fine.

01:02:35
Speaker 2: And we recently went to Scotland on Housewives and in the castle we were staying it, there was this big beauty I cheated on my tree, okay because there was this big beautiful tree in the back and you could see they feel this all out they filled.

01:02:53
Speaker 3: And so there were these they had.

01:02:55
Speaker 2: This big beautiful roots coming out, and I was like the girls, you know, they didn't understand what was I said, yeah, I'll be right back, and I went and I hugged this tree for like five minutes. Straight and it was just I don't know, it just comes me. I'm sure there's a scientific or spiritual Uh. So you just wondered did somebody tell you to do this or you just wanted to sing it online? You know how it is on social media you start tapping into and then all vibration in your life and how you know, water is living and things like that and frequency and those. That was one of the things that I had learned about. And I was like, I'm gonna try it, and it actually worked.

01:03:30
Speaker 3: You were into it.

01:03:31
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm into it.

01:03:31
Speaker 3: I'm gonna try it. I'm gonna try it on the golf course. Yeah, try it on the golf course.

01:03:36
Speaker 2: Pick your right tree and do it, and try to like let your skin touch it if you can.

01:03:40
Speaker 3: Now me, I don't like bugs.

01:03:42
Speaker 1: I don't like none of that. But I don't. But I was like, I need this, goodness.

01:03:46
Speaker 3: I'm gonna try. It's gonna be weird, but you know what thing do the thing that's hard to shut the fuck up exactly, I don't hug the tree exactly.

01:03:57
Speaker 2: You didn't know you was gonna get that out this interview. I got so.

01:04:01
Speaker 3: Into it, So thank you for that all right. We have a couple of things before we let you go. I have a gowl in real life ball with a couple in real life questions. Can somebody pass me the bowl? We're doing the bowl? First of a voice note? Do we have a voice note? Oh, we have a voice note for you? This is our mobile voice note section where somebody I haven't even heard this, so I don't know if it's a fan, a friend, but somebody who has a message or a question for you.

01:04:26
Speaker 1: A portia when your daughter looks back at you in your journey one day, like what do you hope she understands about the woman you were becoming?

01:04:37
Speaker 3: She might hear that, she might see that that moment that we just talked about.

01:04:40
Speaker 2: She might, and I'm pretty sure she will with social media. Well, my daughter looks back on my life, which is well documented a lot of it. I would hope that she saw a woman who is in pursuit of her best self and a woman who was living life on her own terms and who loved herself, forgave herself and most of all.

01:05:09
Speaker 1: Found joy or fought for joy.

01:05:12
Speaker 2: Because as a mom, the only thing I want from my child. I know people hit a lot of expectations on their kids. I just want her to be happy, whatever that is. You know, even though I'm working, and you know, I'm building. The money that I have for her is for her.

01:05:28
Speaker 1: To be able to do what she wants to do.

01:05:29
Speaker 2: I don't have any particular life to set out for her, and I wish everybody lived like that.

01:05:35
Speaker 1: My mom actually was like that with me, even though I work with her. But I would just want her to see me fighting for my life and living my real life how I wanted to live it. And that's all I want for her, and Mommy will be happy.

01:05:51
Speaker 3: That is a wonderful example to set for your daughter, we said some we always worry about be strong, being this being that. It's like, just let me show you, watch me chase this happiness because happiness is important. Yeah, and she peace is important, all of it.

01:06:06
Speaker 2: But she needs to see and know from me that it's something you're gonna have to be intentional about, Be intentional about what your life looks like, who is in your life, what you do in your life. If she can live that way and not just go along the way what somebody else wants or what life is pushing her to. No, no, no, always have your goal set for yourself and make sure that you are at the head of it no matter what, even if you have a child, even if she's married or whatever. Make sure that you are putting you first regardless.

01:06:35
Speaker 3: And that's not so good. Yeah, and the parent and your mom is your first example. I just had to remember of we have you know, Adrian Howe and byline from the real she was on with her husband recently, and you know, she had a relationships before that didn't go well and she left an engagement and everything because she watched her mother chase her happiness. She's like, her mother got a divorce from her first husband. She's like, something about watching my mother chase her happiness made me realize want to have that too, and kids do that. Your mother is your first example of like how it's supposed to be done.

01:07:12
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, and that life is a steady flow.

01:07:15
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah.

01:07:16
Speaker 2: You are not your circumstance. I'm sure you may go through hard things in your life, but you are not your circumstance. You are beyond that. You're just going through that. And so as long as she remains fluid and I remain fluid and can see a way out and keep moving with my energy and my love and my life, then she'll be fine.

01:07:35
Speaker 1: Things are going to happen.

01:07:36
Speaker 2: She's got to know that, yes, life is hard, and she's gonna watch mom's life and be like.

01:07:39
Speaker 1: Yeah, mom went through some things. Okay, yeah mom, girl in there. But she's going to see that and be like, yeah, it's the real world.

01:07:47
Speaker 3: That's amazing that she could watch your life.

01:07:49
Speaker 2: I know, right, yeah, you know it's real. It's real, and you know, a lot of people don't have the opportunity. I was really close to my mom, so I watched my mom fight to be the number one childher center owner and entrepreneur and single mom and take care of us.

01:08:05
Speaker 1: And the whole family.

01:08:06
Speaker 2: And so that's where I get my work ethic from, you know what I'm saying. And that's and there were also some things that she feels like she might have missed in doing all this.

01:08:14
Speaker 5: Well.

01:08:14
Speaker 3: It's also her generation where they were trying to fight for equal rights and fair pay and they wanted to be bosses too, and they wanted to prove it so they had that was their play. And then the next generation it's like, wait a minute, I want to be happy too, Like yeah, we want to be hustlers, but we also and bosses, but kind of also really want to prioritize joy and being happy.

01:08:37
Speaker 2: And that's the ultimate way of having it all. A lot of people say, I hear me say, I want to have it all. No, I really mean it. I really mean it. But I know now it starts with me. I have to feel complete in who I am. Then everything else is at it, Like literally everything else is at it.

01:08:53
Speaker 3: So good.

01:08:53
Speaker 1: Hey, guys.

01:08:54
Speaker 3: Support for this podcast is brought to you by Walden University. Have you ever thought to yourself, what if I could go after what I actually want and I could really make a difference. Well, you are not alone, and this is exactly why I want to tell you about Walden University. For over fifty years, Walden has helped working adults like you get the w with the knowledge, the skills and everything you need to build the future that you want and you can make a difference where it matters most. If you've been waiting for the right moment, this is it. Head to waldenu dot edu and take that first step. Walden University set a course for Change, certified to operate by SHIV. All Right, before you go hit our Irl Bowl. Boo by our Irl Bowl is sponsored by Walden University. Okay, thank you to our friends at Walden.

01:09:42
Speaker 1: This is real life questions. Yes, what is the best and the worst decision you ever made?

01:09:52
Speaker 3: Oh?

01:09:53
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, oh wow, there's.

01:09:57
Speaker 3: A many, not a many to be the best. What's the first one that comes?

01:10:05
Speaker 1: Okay, the best decision I would say is well, of course, getting with my eggs and having polar I say that's the best.

01:10:13
Speaker 2: Yeah, because I I really didn't know that relationship was new and you know, we had our blessing. So I would have to say that's the best decision I ever made.

01:10:24
Speaker 1: And worst decision I ever made.

01:10:27
Speaker 3: A lot big one.

01:10:30
Speaker 2: Okay, that should have just been one question that didn't have to be fully loaded like that. Okay, worst decision ever made was probably compromising myself like in a lot of different situations.

01:10:44
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't, you don't need to do that.

01:10:47
Speaker 1: You don't.

01:10:47
Speaker 2: I don't feel like you need to because you know why, Because at the end of the day, your destiny is already said. The gift that you have is going to take you right where you need to be. So as long as your gift and you're.

01:10:58
Speaker 1: Fully aligned and you're living in divine alignment. You don't need to compromise yourself. You need to be you, in your fullest self, and then what's meant for you will be for you. There's any situation, hey, hello ya Really, if that's a situation you got to compromise yourself, don't do it.

01:11:17
Speaker 3: Yes, don't do it. You're actually going against yourself. You're like, You're like, yeah, it's not good. Okay, you know, I like this question for you. It's very simple. When we started our podcast, taking it back up, so this is good. I know it kept saying goodbye. This is how we usually used to start. This was our startup question. I have a startup question and the end question. This is the start of question. How happy are you poorscha on the scale of one to ten today?

01:11:42
Speaker 2: Oh to energy check today, I am at a ten. Yeah, yeah, I'm at a ten. I had a really rough day yesterday, and I like the way I handled it. I like to felt I felt triggered yesterday and I felt like I was going down a loop and I stopped myself and I started.

01:12:01
Speaker 1: Going solution based and I handled it, and so I'm proud of it.

01:12:05
Speaker 2: Like every time I have a win like that, even though it feels like a loss, every time I have a win, I feel good.

01:12:10
Speaker 1: So today I am happy ten. I'm a ten.

01:12:13
Speaker 3: That's amazing ten. And my other favorable In the question which we ended with a lot is and we'll end it today with that is if God were to text you today, what would it say?

01:12:25
Speaker 2: Oh, my God, if God texts me today, were to say, thank you for fighting for our relationship. Yeah, There's been a lot of different times in life where I have felt led away from God, or I have felt like I was in his clothes, or I did not pay attention. But I walk around my house all day speaking to God, I mean, and I teach my daughter to pray.

01:12:49
Speaker 1: And so I would have to.

01:12:50
Speaker 2: Say that we have a close relationship, and I think that's what he would appreciate. It's me constantly him being in my mind and me thinking of him first that relationship and working. You have to work on that relationship because the world is trying to pull you away. Your flesh is trying to pull you away. So you have to consciously be thankful and grateful even in the midst of what you have going on.

01:13:13
Speaker 1: Even all that that we talked about today.

01:13:15
Speaker 2: I have to constantly say, but God, yeah, thank you for today.

01:13:20
Speaker 3: Thank you. That's Portia in real life, everybody.

01:13:27
Speaker 1: This is Porsche Williams in real life.

01:13:31
Speaker 3: Hey guys, thanks for watching. Make sure you subscribe, like comments, and check out all of the other episodes we have on Edge. Martinez Iro Podcast