97. The long distance dilemma

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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here. Back for another episode. I don't know what it is at the moment, but there is something in the water, because I've been receiving so many dms, so many requests to do this episode, and today I'm going to do it. Let's jump into it. We're going to talk about the long distance dilemma and that kind of age old question, or in some ways a new age question of do I do long distance or do we end it here? Is the distance too much of a hurdle in my relationship? I think this is such a conundrum for those of us dating in our twenties. During this decade, I think our romantic relationships suddenly take on a whole new level of seriousness as we begin to consider the longevity and the nature of this relationship. This could be our life partner, this could be our forever person, and that level of seriousness is not one that we typically had in our teenage years or in the relationships we had in our early twenties. We become a lot more future orientated in every aspect of our lives, and that includes when it comes to our romantic partners. But at the same time, our twenties also pose this very unique time. I would say that presents so many opportunities to travel to work abroad or in different states, opportunities that are once in a lifetime that we can't say no to. But sometimes the choices we decide to make aren't going to align with what our partner decides to do, and we have to make a decision do we try and take this long distance? So how do we make that decision? What are some of the major considerations. What are some of the things you should be looking out for around whether this is going to work? And maybe you've given it a shot, you've done long distance and it's just not working out. How do we know when it's time to throw in the towel and I guess leave that relationship behind. I think distance can be hard in any relationship. It really disturbs our closeness it's harder to make shared memories. It can also be really really expensive when we account for for travel, and I think it's hard when you have to say goodbye as well. You know, there's no cutting corners here. It's going to be difficult, and it will test whether this person is the right one for you for all of the correct reasons. It tests your boundaries, It tests the nature of your innate connection, I guess. But there is also a way through it, and I want to talk about that today as well. We're going to discuss all things long distance, starting at what the psychological pillars of a healthy romantic connection look like, how those are tested by distance, why it is that distance places a strain on our partnership, on our relationship, Also some of the major questions and considerations that you need to contemplate before diving into this arrangement, the signs that it may not be working, and some of the tips to remain connected, backed by some fun psychological theories around connection similarity and emotional intimacy. So, for all of my lovely listeners out there who have messaged me with questions and needing advice on their long distance relationship, this one is for you. We're going to get into all the nitty gritty and hopefully provide some more clarity around what the future holds and answer some of those questions. I'm so excited to get into it, to share a bit of my own experience, and of course all of the psychology that explains why distance can be so hard. So, without further ado, I say we jump right into the long distance dilemma. Alrighty, let's picture this for a second. You and your partner have been together for three years. You met at twenty one. When you're at UNI, you are super in love. You're still super in love, you may even live together, and you're really going steady. You know, the future seems really bright. You can't live without them. And then all of a sudden, you get an amazing opportunity to move into state. It's an incredible offer, more money, your dream job, in your dream city, and you're going to take it. But your partner wants to stay where they are. They are equally happy with the opportunities they have at the moment, and in this situation, you kind of face across roads. You really only have two options here. Do you start a long distance relationship or do you go your separate ways. And I guess there's also that third alternative, which is to say no to that opportunity and to stay in the same place. That third alternative is not one I think we're going to talk about a lot today. I would not recommend it, especially when we are so young for so many reasons. You know, our twenties are such a time of liberation and freedom. You never know if you'll get this opportunity again, or this level of freedom. And I think one day we're inevitably going to be restricted by things like mortgages and children and aging and family. So now is really the time, I think, where you're allowed to feel selfish. You're allowed to say yes, and even if that's going to change your dynamic. If the person you are with is right for you, they are going to celebrate your success and your decision. They're not going to hold you back. I think secondly, if you say no for the sake of staying together, this can potentially foster resentment if it alters kind of the balance of power and compromises between you both. You know, when one partner consistently has to say no to things, especially when they benefit their personal or professional growth, it can create a real imbalance and I think a big degree of resentment. You know, over time you begin to feel undervalued. And there's also this idea of a sense of missed potential. You know. There was a wonderful study done in twenty seventeen and it examined past and future regret around missed opportunities and kind of that implicit trade off that occurs, and they found that lost opportunities can create regret and resentment, and it makes it difficult to achieve psychological closure because you can't change the past. You're always kind of going to be haunted by this what if. So I think when you're faced with this dilemma of do I say yes or do I say no for the sake of my relationship, my opinion is you should always say yes. What's now in question is whether the relationship you're currently in is going to grow with you into this new situation and this new season of life, or maybe you would both be better off kind of calling it quits, saying goodbye. Of course, that is a very nuanced personal decision, and I think distance comes from a lot of factors. You can feel distanced even when you are close together, but there are so many things that also make proximity a massive issue. You know, it's not just that you've gotten this amazing opportunity to say yes or no to It may also be that you've just lived in different countries when you met, or your family needs, you know, all these pressures. But I think regardless of the reason why you are facing this dilemma, wh're not going to sugarcoat it here. Long distance is super hard and there are actually a number of psychological reasons why this is the case and which could potentially explain why so few relationships actually survive this experience in this period. You know, there's been so many findings that couples in long distance relationships they were more likely to separate compared to those living a short distance away for a number of reasons. And I also want to state that isn't always going to be the case. Obviously every situation is unique, but they are associated with more individual and relational stress compared to being in a proximal relationship proximal meaning a short distance or local. I think that's because at the end of the day, relationships are built on psychological and physical factors like proximity, closeness, and reciprocity, and when one of these is weakened, we can really struggle to maintain that romantic connection and sense of trust. I think as humans we do have an inherent need for physical closeness, and when that connection is absent or limited, it contributes to feelings of loneliness, to feelings of longing and frustration, which are then projected onto your partner. Projection being a psychological coping mechanism whereby we attribute our own feelings to another person rather than acknowledging just the holistic difficulty of the situation that we are in. You know, we don't see it as the distance. We see it as our partner isn't putting in enough effort. We see it as our partner is letting us down, that our partner is not willing to sacrifice for our relationship when that isn't the case. I think this a lack of physical closeness and the strain that places on a relationship can be traced by act to the effect and the influence of dopamine. Of course, dopamine is the neurotransmitter that is responsible for pleasure and reward, in addition to things like oxytocin, which is the chemical that allows us to feel love and to feel trust. These neurochemicals are released at much higher rates when we are physically closer to someone, when we can hug and kiss them and be in their presence, and they make us feel amazing, And as time goes on, if you've spent a lot of time around this person, you've obviously fallen in love. And we come to depend on these chemicals and the way that they fuel a sense of closeness and intimacy. So when we become physically distanced, we can go into somewhat of a withdrawal. When these chemicals and neurotransmitters are released at a lower rate, it creates stress, It creates longing and even physical pain, which is a feeling I think any one of us we've ever been separated from someone we deeply love, can understand. On another kind of level as well, This distance can also create opportunities for jealousy, for doubt, and insecurity because we are no longer able to physically check in regularly and observe each other's daily activities and progress. There's also this element of not being able to talk openly as well and respond to cues other than just someone's words. You know, a lot of our communication as humans is not just done through what we verbally express. It's done through small gestures and posture and tone and body language. But when you have to have those hard conversations with your partner through the phone or of FaceTime, a lot of that is missed and we can misinterpret what's someone is trying to say, or feel a lack of trust and a lack of closeness, like we can't really believe them. And of course there is this element of a lack of shared experiences. You know, building shared experiences and creating memories with a partner is essential. It's an essential part of any relationship, not even just romantic. So in long distance relationships, I know it sounds kind of obvious, but the physical distance limits our ability to share these experiences on a regular basis. It makes us feel disconnected, It makes us feel like we are living separate lives, which in some ways we are. And I know this perspective around why it's so hard is somewhat somewhat negative and maybe a bit of a downer, But I think all of this is just to say that a, if you're considering this, you should go into it prepared and be If this is you currently, it's not your fault for feeling inflicted or for finding this hard. It's biological, it's social, it's psychological, but it doesn't mean that it's the end, because a lot of the time it can be worth it if the person is worth it. I was in this relationship during university. You'll know who that was with if you listen to my episode with my ex. I actually need to do a follow up on that. But besides the point, we did long distance for four months during the COVID lockdowns, and when I tell you, it got to the point where we almost broke up every week, I'm not even joking. It was unbearable. And when I could finally go and see him when the travel restrictions eased, I remember feeling like, Okay, I'm gonna go and I'm gonna break up with him, and I literally told my housemates that I would be back that evening. I did the three hour drive to where he was living. I cried the entire time, and when I saw him, it was like everything was totally fine. We fine. It just fell right back into place. When you do see each other, it feels like a honeymoon. It feels like a vacation. You just connect on a whole new level. You know, it's like this huge rush of all of those happy, positive hormones. And we all know the saying, you know, distance makes the heart grow fonder and I never realized the truth behind that until that moment. And of course, if you've been in a long distance relationship for some time and you are seeing each other more regularly than once every four months, I'm sure you'll experience a lot less of the cumulative and built up stress. But it also makes your time together so special and so precious when you are in the same location, because I think you've really developed your relationship to the point where you can kind of handle anything. After you've been through that period of stress and complication and distance. You know you've built the trust, you've built the communication, the boundaries, you understand how to connect, and you don't really take each other for granted. I think, alongside this, from a psychological perspective, long distance relationships often require us to develop independence, to develop resilience and effective communication skills. You know, being physically separated does provide an opportunity for personal growth as you learn to kind of navigate challenges and make decisions independently. It also provides you with so much extra time to focus on your personal goals, focus on your hobbies, on your friends, self improvement, and fostering a sense of individual fulfillment. You know, a lot of the time I see this amongst people in their twenties, where we become like obsessed with our partner. Our You know, our partner is like the core pillar and the center of our universe. Sometimes it is kind of nice to break away from that and realize that you are actually two separate people. But there are some considerations and some questions to ask yourself before you dive right in deciding whether to pursue a long distance relationship. It can be a complex decision, and psychology, of course, can provide some insights for us to consider. Here are a few that I think are particularly worthwhile to take into account. Number one, goal alignment and the future. There is no point putting yourself under this pressure. If you both see this relationship as short term. It sounds kind of like common sense, But do you actually want to be with this person in the long run and do they feel the same. You need to discuss your long term goals and aspirations with your partner before you jump into doing life long distance. Are you both on the same page regarding the future of the relationship and the willingness to eventually close that gap and close the distance. Do you have a shared vision? Do you both have the same idea around your priorities, whether you want a family, where the relationship is headed. If you're not on the same page around your values and your goals, the relationship is either going to crumble really quickly or you're gonna find yourself in the same location again and then be like, what was the point of doing all of this? So I would say having a shared sense of direction and purpose will help you navigate the challenges and make you feel like it's worth it. The second thing to consider before you get into a long distance relationship is communication. I feel like, once again super common sense, but effective communication is crucial in any relationship, but even more in this situation. Reflect on your communication styles. Is one of you a bit more hostile? Does one of you close off? What is your willingness your equal willingness to be open and honest? And I think you have to realize that there will be effort there in investing and maintaining a strong connection, not just in terms of your communication styles, but also in terms of practical things like time zones and work schedules. And you know, your life is no longer conveniently in parallel. It's now kind of perpendicular, where you meet at one single point during the day, and you have to try and create situations where that is going to be most ideal for both of you. The third thing I would say is trust. You know, trust is such a nuanced psychological idea and it is the foundation of any successful relationship. But essentially it is this idea that you know that that other person will be in your corner and will make decison in both their best interests but also your own best interest. And I think when you do long distance the entire context of it is that you don't get to spend quality time and have hard discussions in person. And if you are someone who is particularly jealous, or perhaps has an anxious attachment style or childhood wounds surrounding abandonment, you are going to be triggered by your partner moving away, So it may be worth having a deeper discussion about how you're going to manage that. What level of reassurance you need, what level of frequency of communication you're after, because unless you're both capable of fostering and preserving trust over the distance, it might be worth just simply going on a break. The fourth element and consideration is your emotional and physical needs. Consider what your physical needs are as as well as those of your partner. If you are someone who likes to have sex all the time, if you are someone whose primary love language is physical touch and quality time, a long distance relationship is going to require more effort from you because your immediate romantic needs are not going to be fulfilled in the same way that they were when that person was close. So I think you really need to evaluate that trade off. Are you willing to give up what you need physically and emotionally in the short term or are you someone who actually needs that input and stimulation and those needs fulfilled more regularly. You know, I think that you need to be honest. Both of you need to be honest about whether that is too much of a hurdle, you know, whether you should open up your relationship, whether you should see other people, or whether it's something that you're willing to sacrifice in the short term. For the long term out come and output of being together. And the final consideration is your support system. Distance is really hard and it will definitely put pressure on your personal wellbeing no matter how healthy and stable your relationship is. It will also make you feel lonely. I think in most relationships, our partner is our primary source of socialization and source of entertainment, and we spend so much time with them, So evaluate the alternatives there and do you have a support system available to you. I think it's really helpful to have friends or family or some other source of support who can provide you with emotional and practical assistance during challenging times or when that is not available from your partner. We are not meant to be isolated solitary creatures. We are not meant to be deprived of physical touch or deprived of emotional intimacy. So even though there may be distance in your relationship, you should still be getting those needs fulfilled elsewhere. Otherwise I think it's not really worth considering whether long distance is the right decision for you. It's just obviously not. Ultimately, I do think the decision to pursue a long distance relationship is highly individual. I can't give you all the answers because it is highly personal. It requires a discussion between you and your partner, introspection about your own needs, and I guess a mutual understanding of the challenges involved. But if you are both committed, you have the same goals, you are willing to put in the effort, you have worked through your attachment style, you have a strong foundation. I do think that this arrangement can succeed. And all of that in mind, I do just want to pose some major questions that I think we need to answer to determine whether this is right for you. So if you're looking for like a guidebook or like some kind of massive sign like a yes no situation, answer these questions and I think that it will really illuminate your decision for you. Firstly, in five years time, do you see this person in your life? Can you imagine a future together? If the answer is no, then maybe this isn't right for you. Do your long term goals align and if they don't, does that matter? What are your expectations? Are those shared? Are you okay with not seeing this person for more than two weeks in your daily life? Would that be upsetting for you? If your partner doesn't answer your text messages or your calls immediately, does that leave you feeling anxious? And what is your approach and strategy for jealousy? Am I prepared for hard times? What am I going to do when this happens? How will we manage conflict? I think all of these are really valuable to answer both before and during the distance, and make sure you're brutally honest with yourself and with each other. You know, a study conducted in two thousand and one found that honesty is the main factor behind all of those elements of trust, of communication, of reciprocity, of closeness. So I think it's a good place to start being honest whilst you're still close to each other, and then that honesty can move forward with your relationship as you face distance. You know, that involves regular check ins and communication, which I think is vital. But there are some other strategies that we're going to discuss, along with some signs that maybe it is time to call time of death on the relationship and call it quits. So all of that and more in just a second. We want our relationships to work, and we want to give them the best chance we can, especially when we feel like we found the right one. You know, that is really hard to do, let me tell you. So you want to hold on to that. And I think the distance doesn't have to mean the end of our relationship, especially when we go into it rationally and with shared expectations. But also some good strategies. So here are some very practical tips from my own experience, but also from friends and from some amazing therapists that I think are really useful. There's five and they are the most repeated themes for managing long distance. First of all, if this is you right now, you need to plan ahead, set a date for when you are going to see each other next. And I think that psychologically, time apart is made easier when it has an end date that you can look forward to. It allows us to view separation and these hard times as temporary. And there's even been research into this that suggested that perceiving negative events like doing long distance as time limited can actually lead to better psychological well being and coping. You know, our perception of time is influenced by the anticipation of an end date. When we set a timeframe, it can create a psychological time horizon effect, and it makes it appear like the time a part is moving faster. We feel more mentally prepared and feels like things are moving quicker, and provides more of a sense of control. So all of those amazing things. I think every time you see your partner, make sure that you have an end goal in sight and plan for the next time you'll see each other. Psychologically, it will literally help you manage that so much better. I think the second tip is around setting up date nights developed, being enjoyable rituals, and maintaining emotional intimacy. Often when we enter into a long distance dynamic, the first thing we sacrifice is of course, quality time and with that emotional intimacy. I think those things are very easy to cultivate when you are close and when you are conveniently close to a partner, But when there's distance, obviously that's less easy. So set aside dedicated time for virtual date nights and plan out activities that you can both enjoy together and kind of maintain excitement and novelty in the relationship. You know, novelty is important. You want to feel like you're still dating. When I was doing long distance, we used to do these things called dinner dates, where we would both cook the same recipe together over zoom, we would buy the same bottle of wine, and we would eat together over like literal video, we would like sit down and have dinner with each other through our laptops. Obviously not as good as the real thing, but I guess yes. It leads into my next strategy, which is to put effort into those shared experiences. You don't need to give up on joint interests and creating shared memories or sharing inactivities together just because you're miles away. I think after COVID, the world has evolved to be a lot more digital and virtual, and that's to the benefit of people who are doing a long distance You know, there are so many things you can do together, like words with friends, or you can play scrabble, or you can do I don't know, video games. Do I sound like an idiot saying that video games you can do those together online? Right? I think so? Correct me if I'm wrong. But just things like that, you know, watching movies using a shared screening service, it feels like you're both in there together. It feels like you're both doing something a ritual, an activity that provides a sense of stability. It provides a sense of comfort and shared identity in the relationship. I've already mentioned this, but of course check ins, regular check ins once a month. Set up some time to ask yourself and ask your partner difficult questions. What could each of you be doing better? Is there something that you're missing, What's been happening in your lives that maybe you haven't spoken about. I think it all comes back to that core factor for success, which is open communication and trust. Those are your crucial ingredients here. And finally, my fifth tip is kind of silly, but it's actually really useful. That is to create a vision board or some physical reminder of why you're doing this. A long distance is a marathon, it's not a sprint, and it's kind of like this joint long term goal you're pursuing together with the aim of one day being reunited. When we treat it like a mutual goal, this greatly helps our perception of how achievable this will be, and we can use visual cues to help us with this. When you're not seeing each other every day, you can forget why you're doing it, So create some vision board or physical reminder of what the long term future holds. Maybe that's like a dream life collaborative printerest board, or a picture of where you're going to go on vacation next, or a piece of their clothing, or a visual tangible item that reminds you of them to keep them close and centered on why you're doing this in the first place. That's just a selection. Obviously, there are other notable tips, including expressing affection regularly, practicing gratitude, whatever keeps you connected. However, we're talking about a dilemma here. Sometimes you can be doing all of these things and it's still not enough. A big question I get is when do we know it's time to end things? When is the distance just too much? When is it no longer worth it? That's a huge question, you know. I think sometimes it's not always that immediate decision of do I break up with them now or do I try long distance? What happens when you've given it ago and it's just not working. I think it's a really hard thing to say. But once you're even having these thoughts or even contemplating ending things, that is the biggest indicator that it may be time to have some serious conversations. Because there is obviously some deepest dissatisfaction there that you're beginning to recognize that's beginning to bubble up. And coming to that realization can be so difficult, and I think we often hold off on doing that and doing what we know is right because of a lot of factors, the first one being this idea of the sunk cost fallacy. This is this idea that we feel compelled to continue investing in a relationship even when it no longer serves us, simply because you have already invested significant time, effort, or emotions. So often what happens is we believe, and we come to believe this fallacy, this false narrative that ending the relationship would mean wasting those past investments. It would mean that you wasted your time, and we never want to see something as a waste as humans, so we stay despite the fact that we are unhappy. Every situation is unique, and I will continue to repeat that because it's not a one size fits all approach. But when the emotional connection between you and your partner has significantly diminished, when you can no longer communicate, when you are not excited to hear from them, when they do not regularly reach out when you dread the future, when you are frustrated, or you have doubts when you can no longer picture them in your future, or you're experiencing resentment, your relationship is no longer fulfilling you. What is the point of being in a relationship at this point? Obviously everything is going to come with hard moments, But I think life is really short, and our twenties are even shorter. Your relationships are meant to build on already a strong foundation and make you feel better. So do you really want to spend this decade and this time unhappy or feeling anxious or unsupported? Maybe this is the time for you to be alone. I'm also a firm believer that you can love someone twice and you can come back to each other if the time and the circumstances are right. It doesn't have to be goodbye forever. But if you are persistently consistently unhappy and you feel like there is not enough investment or effort from each of you you mutually to push through, this may not be what's right for you at this moment in time. So what do we do next? You know, no one likes to be broken up with over the phone. So how do you navigate bringing this up when you're maybe not in the same city, or the same state, or even the same country. It's a sensitive conversation to be having, but I think flag your thoughts and feelings in advance before you plan to see each other next, so that no one is blindsided. It may I think also provide you with an opportunity and the time to work on things in the meantime, you know, and if that isn't fruitful and the challenges are still there, make sure you prepare them for the fact that you want to have a difficult conversation. And I would say, if possible, do it in person. I know that's really difficult, or over video something that feels more personal. To honor your relationship and to respect the other person, I guess what I'm trying to say say is that it shouldn't come as a surprise, be honest, be clear, allow for emotional expression from both of you, and of course set those breakup boundaries. And you know, sometimes after we've ripped the band aid of we realize that we've kind of been checked out for some time. And I think that although all breakups are hard, you've kind of already gone through the process of creating distance, and sometimes it's easy to heal when you know that you're not going to have to run into them on the street or at your local cafe. You know, small consolation here are small consolation prize. But the distance may actually work in your favor here, if you would like to see it that way, if you'd like to make that part of your perspective. Every relationship is so nuanced and unique, So I would take this advice with the grain of salt and reflect on what's right for you. I'm not someone who tells everyone to go out there and break up with their partners just because they're slightly unhappy. I think that it's about really examining whether the relationship is actually evolving with you, or whether you are changing for the relationship and changing for another person, or feeling like you have to give up on your dreams to maintain something that's never the way that we want to be behaving in our twenties or at any stage in our lives. But we also can't deny that distance is going to be hard, have some self compassion. We obviously want to be close to the ones that we love for many psychological and physical reasons. So you're going to struggle regardless, But it doesn't mean a death sentence for your relationship. When there is an angle in sight, when you have those clear timelines, when you treat it like a shared goal, I really think that it can be worth it and you can work on it. If your bond is worth it, if this person really is the one. No relationship is ever going to be easy. I'm just going to say that one final time. I know I sound like a broken record, but it can be distanced. It can be you know, you can still feel distanced when someone is sitting right next to you, and you can still be full of jealousy when you guys live together. You can still feel like you're not communicating when you are around each other all the time. Right it's just about realizing that that is possibly going to be exacerbated and having the strategies and the forward thinking to plan for that. What a jam packed episode. I feel like long distance is such a dilemma. So if you are in a long distance relationship right now, or you're contemplating it, you're contemplating the freedoms that you might have to give up. The choices you might have to make. I hope this has helped you out. You know, I've been there, done that, got the T shirt. It wasn't fun, but there's really something to be said with being able to see your partner after six months apart. It does make the heart grow fonder, they will say that. So I really hope that you enjoyed this episode, that you learnt something, that it provided you with practical guidance, or just something to think about. As always, if you did enjoy this episode, please feel free to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now. It really helps the show to grow and meet new people. Maybe there is someone in your life who needs to hear this. You should send it to them. I'm sure they would appreciate it. And I will say, this topic wouldn't have been done. I wouldn't have thought to do it without suggestions from people over on Instagram. I am always looking for new topics to cover, new ideas, new things that are being experienced by our generations. So follow me over there at that Psychology podcast if you have an idea or something that you would like me to explore further. As always, thanks for tagging along, thanks for joining in. I will be back next week with another episode.